Judith Orloff's Blog

(Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy, Judith Orloff, MD, forward by The Dalai Lama)

It’s important to have realistic expectations of others rather than just seeing the best in them, as many loving, empathic people tend to do.

Idealizing someone or ignoring their limitations is a setup for disappointment and makes you vulnerable to getting into unhealthy relationships. No one is better or less than you. When anyone tells you a fact about themselves, such as “I’m not the most giving person,” you must believe them.

In The Genius of Empathy, I tell the story of a patient, Jean, a smart, sensitive advertising executive, who was swept away by a new man she met. “He’s so brilliant, affectionate, and fun,” she said. He also told her (which she didn’t believe) that he was extremely independent and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship. This man never deviated from his clear message— but Jean didn’t want to hear it. She thought, If I’m patient, our love will change his mind. Alas, it did not. Inevitably, Jean was painfully let down and felt bitter and resentful for a long time.

Making someone into who you want them to be can lead to heartbreak. It’s like going into a hardware store filled with shelves of cold functional equipment and expecting to get a delicious warm croissant and fresh coffee. It’s not going to happen. Still, Jean was hurt and angry; she blamed him for her misery. Months passed before she was able to accept and even empathize with herself for misreading the situation. She admitted how honest he’d been. It was a painful but useful lesson in accepting what is.

Don’t let unrealistic expectations set you up for a similar scenario. I understand how much we may want love or success, how we may ignore the red flags that are evident from the start of a relationship or a passion project. So, stay clear and strong. Train yourself to see people and situations accurately.

Take this Reality Check from The Genius of Empathy

For any new or ongoing relationships, ask yourself:

Am I seeing the whole person, their positive and negative traits?Am I prone to fantasizing and magical thinking?Do I believe what people tell me about themselves, or do I make excuses for them?Are my expectations realistic?Do I acknowledge warning signs?

Compassionately evaluate your answers to determine where you stand with seeing others clearly. If you answered no to one or more questions, keep watching for how you can better align your expectations with reality.

Don’t keep giving your love and loyalty to people who can’t return it. Also, be careful of expecting more from others than they can give. One definition of insanity is when you keep returning to the same situation but expect different results. Sometimes, having empathy means accepting that someone is doing their best (though it might not be great) and subsequently lowering your expectations. This helps you have realistic relationships with more empathy and acceptance for what others can give, even if it is not what you were hoping for.

The post Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations of Others? appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

(Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff, MD)

In healthy relationships, you don’t have to work so hard emotionally all the time.

Codependency can be defined as a relationship that has become so unhealthily enmeshed that people lose their individual strength and power. Typically, a person with codependent traits feels overly responsible for others and picks up the slack in relationships and at work. They want everyone to be happy. So they go overboard and become people pleasers and peacemakers in their relationships. They have difficulty asserting their own needs for fear of rejection or disapproval.

If you’re a codependent giver, it can be difficult to step back and let others learn from their mistakes. Though you mean well, you want to overhelp or fix people, or believe that you need to intervene. You might have learned this habit from living with someone who is struggling with drinking or who has narcissism or experiences anxiety.

Not all Codependent Givers are Empaths

Many caring people have codependent tendencies, but not all codependent givers are empaths. Codependency is more an instinct to overgive and caretake than an indicator of how much empathy someone has. You can be a codependent without being an empath. Empaths absorb the stress and symptoms of others, not something all codependents do. Commonly, however, both may struggle to set boundaries and perceive others as being separate. Their healing involves learning to be attentive listeners without feeling that it is their job to take on another’s problems.

Codependent givers have good intentions and genuinely want to help, but they tend to neglect their own needs and overgive to the point of exhaustion, even to people who treat them poorly. They are at risk of becoming martyrs. Giving is supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, something is off.

Evaluate your mode of giving using the traits below so that the gift of being of service to others can feel more balanced and gratifying.

Traits of a Codependent Giver from The Genius of Empathy

I put others’ needs above my own.I keep giving to people who don’t reciprocate.I feel exhausted from overhelping or being a martyr.I am a people pleaser—working overtime to make others happy.I feel guilty saying no or asking for help.I can be overcontrolling and micromanage others’ lives or offer unsolicited advice.I fear rejection or abandonment if I express my needs.I try to rescue people from their problems.I believe it is my job to take on the suffering of others and the world.I can smother people with my generosity.

The more traits you identify with, the higher you tend to be a codependent giver and experience empathy overload. Having even one trait suggests some codependency is present. Be gentle with yourself. Begin to balance how much you give and receive. Your goal is to express empathy in a balanced way and feel good.

The post Are You a Codependent Giver? appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

I’m such a visual empath. Watching films is a pure delight for me, but I can’t tolerate loud or terrifying movies with big explosions.

I’m not alone; many empaths are often overwhelmed by violent, fast-paced, or loud movie soundtracks. Even the actors can be too loud. Instead, sensitive people love heartwarming movies, so I want to share a few more movies that I love.

Here are my updated recommendations for empath-friendly films. By this, I mean films that are inspirational, sometimes magical, and filled with love of the earth and its creatures, as well as friendships and all of humankind. These are not violent, loud, or action thrillers. Their pace is slower, richer, and leaves space for your imagination to roam to creative, beautiful places.

I hope you enjoy these films too and that they bring peace, upliftment, and enchantment to your life.

1. The Life of Pi (2012)

While stranded on a lifeboat for 227 days after a shipwreck, a young man is hurtled into an epic journey of adventure and discovery. While cast away, he forms an unexpected connection with another survivor: a fearsome Bengal tiger. Based on Yann Martel’s 2001 novel, it stars Suraj Sharma in his film debut, Irrfan Khan, Tabu, Rafe Spall, Gérard Depardieu and Adil Hussain in lead roles.
Streaming on Amazon Video. Watch the video Here

2. The Velveteen Rabbit (2023)

The Velveteen Rabbit is a live-action/animated fantasy short film based on the classic book by Margery Williams. The film celebrates the magic of unconditional love. When William receives a new favorite toy for Christmas, he discovers a lifelong friend and unlocks a world of magic.
Streaming on AppleTV and Amazon Video. Watch the video Here

3. My Octopus Teacher (2020 Documentary)

After years of swimming every day in the freezing ocean at the tip of Africa, Craig Foster meets an unlikely teacher a young octopus who displays remarkable curiosity. Visiting her den and tracking her movements for months on end he eventually wins the animal’s trust and they develop a never-before-seen bond between human and wild animal. Streaming on Netflix. Watch the trailer Here

4. Chronicles of Narnia Film Series (2005 – 2010)

The Chronicles of Narnia is a three-film fantasy series based on The Chronicles of Narnia, a series of novels by C. S. Lewis. The series revolves around the adventures of children in the world of Narnia, guided by Aslan, a wise and powerful lion who can speak and is the true king of Narnia. The children heavily featured in the films are the Pevensie siblings, and a prominent antagonist is the White Witch (also known as Queen Jadis)
Stream on Disney+ and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer for the first film Here

5. The Shape of Water (2017)

From master storyteller Guillermo del Toro comes The Shape of Water, an otherworldly fable set against the backdrop of Cold War era America circa 1962. In the hidden high-security government laboratory where she works, lonely Elisa (Sally Hawkins) is trapped in a life of isolation. Elisa’s life is changed forever when she and co-worker Zelda (Octavia Spencer) discover a secret classified experiment.
Streaming on Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

6. Arrival (2016)

Linguistics professor Louise Banks leads an elite team of investigators when gigantic spaceships touchdown in 12 locations around the world. As nations teeter on the verge of global war, Banks and her crew must race against time to find a way to communicate with the extraterrestrial visitors. Hoping to unravel the mystery, she takes a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly all of mankind.
Streaming on Netflix. Watch the trailer Here

7. Eddie The Eagle (2015)

Eddie the Eagle is a feel-good story inspired by true events, about Michael “Eddie” Edwards (Taron Egerton), an unlikely but courageous British ski-jumper who never stopped believing in himself–even as an entire nation was counting him out. With the help of a rebellious and charismatic coach (Hugh Jackman), Eddie takes on the establishment and wins the hearts of sports fans around the world by making an improbable and historic showing at the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics.
Streaming on Netflix and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

8. The Way Way Back (2013)

Duncan is an awkward teen who must spend the summer at a beach house with his mother, her boyfriend, Trent, and Trent’s obnoxious daughter. Trent can’t resist badgering Duncan, so the youth steals away to a water park and gets a job that will help him stay off Trent’s radar. As Duncan tends to the slides and pools of the aging park, he finds a father figure in wisecracking park manager Owen at a time when he desperately needs one.
Streaming on Netflix and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

9. Touched by an Angel TV Series (1994-2005)

Angels are dispatched from heaven to inspire people who are at crossroads in their lives. Monica, an angel who at times still needs some guidance with her Earthly assignments, reports to Tess, her tough, wise, and always loving supervisor. Joining them is Andrew, who, in addition to his duties as the Angel of Death, helps out as a caseworker on various assignments. The angels may not bring answers to every problem, but they always deliver a message of hope.
Streaming on YouTube, Paramount+, Netflix, and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here.

10. InnSæi – The Power of Intuition (2016 Documentary)

An Icelandic film that explores the concept of “innsæi,” which means “the sea within” or “to see from the inside out.” It features a philosophical journey about connecting with one’s inner world.
Streaming on Apple TV and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

11. PGS: Intuition Is Your Personal Guidance System (2017)

Filmmaker Bill Bennett documents his journey to find the source of a mysterious voice that saved his life. Featuring interviews with some of the world’s leading experts on intuition, spanning the fields of science, religion, and spirituality.
Streaming on Apple TV, YouTube, and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

The post More of Dr. Orloff’s Film Recommendations for Empaths and Sensitive People appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Highly sensitive children are often shamed for their sensitivities. They grow up believing there’s something wrong with them. In “The Highly Sensitive Rabbit,” you’ll see how being sensitive is a creative talent that needs to be nurtured.

Shame is a deeply painful emotion, a sense of humiliation and unworthiness that comes from feeling flawed. Unfortunately, in a culture that often values toughness, loudness, and extroversion, sensitive children are frequently misunderstood. They’re told to “stop being a crybaby,” and their emotional responses may be dismissed or even ridiculed. Rather than being supported, they’re often shamed for being “too emotional.” But their sensitivity is not a weakness—it’s a gift.

As a psychiatrist who was also a highly sensitive child, I know firsthand how shame can cloud one’s self-worth. I remember my mother saying in front of her friends, “Judith, you need to toughen up and get a thicker skin. You’ll never survive in this world otherwise.” That one comment made me want to disappear. When children are shamed, especially in front of others, it can stick in their psyche and follow them into adulthood—affecting their confidence, relationships, and sense of identity.

Understanding Highly Sensitive Children

Highly sensitive children are biologically wired to feel more deeply than others. Their nervous systems are finely tuned, and they don’t have the same filters that many children do to block out stimulation. As a result, they are easily overstimulated. They absorb everything—both joy and pain—with heightened intensity. These are the children who may shed tears when they see someone else suffering, who are easily overwhelmed by loud noises or chaotic environments, and who are deeply moved by beauty and kindness.

Helping Children Heal from Shame

Sensitive children are particularly vulnerable to internalizing shame. They may be teased for crying, for preferring quiet play, or for reacting strongly to perceived slights. Many feel like they don’t fit in.

Take Aurora, the courageous heroine in my book “The Highly Sensitive Rabbit.” She is left out of games, teased for being quiet and “too emotional.” Like many sensitive children, Aurora starts to believe the negative messages she receives from others—until she learns that her sensitivity is actually her strength.

Most parents want to help their sensitive children thrive, but they may not know how to counteract the negative messages their children encounter.

Tips for Parents to Address Their Highly Sensitive Child’s Shame

Here are some ways parents can support and empower their sensitive children:

Validate their emotions: Instead of saying, “Don’t cry,” you can say, “I see that you’re feeling overwhelmed—it’s okay to feel that way. Let me help you quiet down.”Celebrate their uniqueness: Talk about their ability to sense others’ feelings, their creativity, and their deep thinking as superpowers.Protect their boundaries: Never tolerate anyone—whether a teacher, family member, or peer—shaming your child for being sensitive.Intervene against bullying: If bullying is occurring, involve the school immediately and insist on clear policies that protect your child.Model healthy sensitivity: When parents embrace their own feelings and model empathy, children learn that it’s safe and strong to feel deeply.

Becoming Their Safe Haven

Sensitive parents are uniquely positioned to raise sensitive children with confidence. When parents embrace their own gentleness and vulnerability, they become powerful role models. Children learn by watching us. When we show them that sensitivity and strength can coexist, they begin to believe it for themselves.
As parents, educators, and community members, we have a responsibility to nurture the sensitive souls among us. These children are the future artists, healers, and visionaries of the world. By empowering them to overcome shame and embrace who they truly are, we help them grow into emotionally balanced, courageous, and compassionate adults.

Join Dr. Orloff on her The Highly Sensitive Rabbit Bookstore Tour

The post Empowering Sensitive Children to Overcome Shame appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Caregiving is an opportunity to help someone with a physical, emotional, or spiritual infirmity. It is a chance for your empathy to shine.

In the 1990s, I was the caregiver when both parents became ill at different points. I am thankful that I could bring them more peace and stability in their final days. They didn’t have to be alone or without the eyes of love. I was their advocate, their rock, a familiar, caring face in the storm. My father told others, “Judith is holding me under her wing.”

Healthy caregiving means sometimes stepping away from the person you are helping to meditate, sleep, attend to your own health, watch a funny movie, or talk to a friend. Also, snuggle with your animal companions or stuffed animal friends to nourish your inner child, who often gets lost in the caregiving process.

Whether you’re helping a friend recover from an injury or supporting a parent through a serious illness, here are five practical caregiving tips.

Practical Tips for Caregivers (From The Genius of Empathy)

Beware of Smothering Generosity

Sometimes you can help too much and smother people with generosity. Though you mean well, without knowing it, you become intrusive, hovering, or nervously fussing over someone. You infantilize them by frequently asking, “Are you any better, honey? Are you in pain?” From the recipient’s perspective, it can feel like you are treating them as a sick, helpless baby.

Appreciate the Pros and Cons of Being a Super-Giver

Being a super-giver offers you a sense of purpose in that you’re contributing to someone’s life. Also, there are real benefits for the recipient. Super-givers have high energy. They get things done and advocate for a patient. Even so, super-givers can overcompensate for their fear of abandonment or rejection by doing too much. Their subconscious motive is that by making themselves indispensable, there’s less chance that the person will leave them. In reality, this isn’t always true.

Know the Difference between Worry and Concern

Worry is when you focus your anxiety on a specific target, such as the health of the person you are caring for. Being someone who chronically worries may be an attempt to gain control or overcome a sense of helplessness about a situation. Naturally, legitimate concerns arise when someone is ill, but worry takes concern into the area of suffering. To worry is to be human. However—and I know this may be hard to absorb— worry doesn’t help

Cultivate Tolerance and Patience

People who are suffering from acute or chronic pain or illness or are immobile can be irritable or just in a plain mean mood. Still, if you’re caring for someone cranky or mean,  try to understand what’s going on. Particularly if the person is dying, cut them some slack and stop trying to change them.

Tolerance means being able to “live and let live” without correcting someone’s beliefs or behavior. With caregiving, it may mean tolerating someone’s frustrating attitude or ongoing pain. Be patient with them.

Reach Out for Support and Resources

If you’re helping someone who is chronically ill or terminal, it is lifesaving for you to seek help and to delegate. I understand the impulse to want to do everything yourself. After all, you are the person who knows and loves the patient the most—and you may feel uncomfortable bringing in a “stranger.” If you’re not a “joiner” or “group person,” you might feel more comfortable with online support. You can participate in Zoom or phone meetings where you can simply listen.

As a caregiver, be sure to take time for yourself to replenish and relax. In addition, you can use the Serenity Prayer to keep you centered.

Grant me the serenity
To accept the people or things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The post 5 Practical Tips for Caregivers appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

How do you balance work, spouse, friends, family, and kids without freaking out, especially if you’re easily overwhelmed?

The secret to thriving as an empath parent is to have strategies in place to counter tension and over-stimulation. Of course, this is important for all parents, but since empaths have a lower threshold for stress, anxiety, and sensory overload, these tools can make or break their sanity and well-being.

In my new children’s book, The Highly Sensitive Rabbit, a caring cottontail named Aroura lives in the High Sonora Desert with her mother and siblings. Aroura’s mother understands the challenges of parenting and worries about her sweet, sensitive child fitting into her world. Sensitivity can be a mixed bag. Though parental empathy psychologically benefits both kids and parents, physical health is a different story.

In the spirit of self-care, an empath parent can practice the following strategies to reduce stress and to stay calm and balanced. Whether you have a partner or are a single parent, they will help you be mindful of how you express your emotions to your kids, while still allowing you to feel deeply.

9 Action Steps to Achieve Balance and Reduce Sensory Overload

1. Start the day with a gratefulness affirmation
This sets a positive, uplifting tone. Inwardly or aloud say, “I am grateful for this day, for my health, for my connection to spirit, and for my kids and family. Thank you for all these blessings. May I stay calm. May I stay happy. May I be loving.”

2. Remember to breathe
Rushing causes you to hold your breath or to breathe shallowly, which traps tension in your body. Throughout your busy day, program yourself to take a least one conscious deep breath periodically to release tension.

3. Create alone time
To counter the demands of raising children, empaths must schedule at least a few minutes alone each day to recharge. Spend some time in nature if you can or at your sacred space at home

4. Listen to soothing music
Music has the power to heal, inspire, and transform tension. It is an instant energy shifter. It helps you and your baby as you rock the little one to sleep. Later, it can be calming for everyone in your home.

5. Meditate
Finding bits of time to meditate breaks the stress cycle and quiets your nervous system. As one empath mother said, “After I mediate, I’m calmer. Then I don’t get pulled into the drama of my son’s tantrums.”

6. Take power naps
If you have young children, you might feel the urge to catch up on laundry while they’re napping. But this is the perfect time for you to take a powernap. Just 5 to 15 minutes will revive you and provide an energy boost that will carry you through the rest of your busy day.

7. Set boundaries
Strive to set clear and enforceable boundaries. There is probably no harder place to create a limit than with your children, but it’s healthy to say, “No” to unreasonable requests and bad behavior.

8. Don’t be a helicopter parent
Empathic parents are highly intuitive and pick up on what their children are feeling and thinking–often to an extreme. As a result, you can become overly anxious, so you hover and micro-manage. This doesn’t serve your kids and can make them anxious and resentful too. Center your own energy

9. Have fun with your kids
Remember what precious beings of light they are, rather than concentrating on annoyances. Focus on the privilege of parenting them. The laughter of your happy children is healing. Let your empathic self release stress and join them in their joy.

Just as Aurora in The Highly Sensitive Rabbit learns how to set healthy boundaries and deal with overwhelm, you too can make changes to be a more empathic and loving parent. In the extraordinary process of child-rearing, remember to be self-compassionate. Realize: You can’t do everything.

The post 9 Coping Skills for an Empath Parent appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Success and power have many facets.

You can have every material success in the world and still not be happy. Happiness comes from within and without.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I respect that each person has different values and needs. Because of this, I know never to judge a person’s happiness simply by how they appear to the world.

What does success mean to you? I have a wide definition of success–your job is just one part of it. I’m defining success as coming from both outer and inner sources, though outer success alone is flimsy when it’s not matched by the sense of worth you feel inside. Success involves doing as well as being. It’s becoming integrated and whole.

Success is when you give your all, then let go of the results. Whether or not you land the job, the relationship, or any goal, each outcome offers an elegant lesson in surrender. My Daoist teacher says, “If you have never met failure, you have never succeeded.” As painful as it feels, sometimes you try your best but don’t succeed. Though failure can be a blow to your ego and heart, learning to deal with it successfully, without getting hopeless or cynical, is a sign of a truly powerful person. Thus, success is the art of wielding power with humility and a sense of the sacred so your ego won’t be seduced by it–this goes for family, at work, or anywhere.

What is power? How can you constructively harness it? Power is strength. In the world, it’s your ability to get things done, to affect people, to create positive change, to achieve a quality of life; sometimes it’s simply having a hand to hold. It’s also the command you have over yourself, your emotions, your weaknesses. It’s the awareness that if something isn’t working in your life, you can make a change. However, your power comes from drawing inwardly on spiritual forces too. It’s an elegant balance, to be in the world, but not of it, to tell the difference between light and shadow powers–then choose which to follow.

Success involves your ability to tap and surrender to the different sources of power, both material-world and spiritual, and use them for the good. It’s a path to contentment instead of constant frenetic striving.

Here are 3 Essential Keys to Success from my book, The Power of Surrender

Be proud of who you are, not just what you haveAppreciate the value of the love you offer to yourself and others.Embody the good and do good in the unique sphere of your life. No act is too small to be meaningful.

To claim your full power, the kind that strengthens with time, you must address the above three points in a surrendered way, not holding on too tightly to anything. But, you must also reach further than the physical world to tap what’s deep within you. If you don’t, you’ll wrongly perceive that the money, the position, or the degree are the only successes that matter, the only markers that can make you feel powerful, an illusion of our linear mind, which is notoriously blind to its own limitations.

Adapted from The Power of Surrender by Judith Orloff MD

The post What Do True Success and Power Mean? appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Empath children are gifts to the world and need to be nurtured properly.

As a psychiatrist and empath, I’m often asked by parents for advice on raising their sensitive children. As an empath child myself, I never felt like I fit in. Much of the time, I felt like an alien on earth, waiting to be transported to my real home in the stars. My ordinarily loving mother would call me “too sensitive” and would say, “You need to get a thicker skin.” So, I grew up believing there was something wrong with me, and I had terrible shame about my sensitive self.

If you’re the parent of a sensitive child, it’s important to support their sensitivities and help them embrace their abilities. This will help them feel comfortable in their own skin now and as they mature into sensitive adults.

This is why I feel so passionate about my new children’s book, The Highly Sensitive Rabbit, because I want to help sensitive children embrace their gifts. I want to help liberate children from the shame I felt so they can thrive. The book is about a caring rabbit named Aurora who was shamed by her family for her sensitivities but learns to embrace these gifts through the love and support of other animals. The following themes are explored in the book—they are strategies you can use

5 Strategies Nurture Empath Children

1. Encourage openness
Invite your children to speak openly to you or supportive others about their abilities. Teach them to value their uniqueness and trust their gut feelings and inner voice. Then, they will see their gifts as natural.

2. Honor your children’s feelings
Listen carefully to what your children feel and respect it, even if it means the occasional day off from school. If your child needs to crawl under the dining room table or leave a large gathering, don’t drag them back into the party. Don’t shame them for wanting to escape. Just let them stay on the sidelines where they can observe and absorb without becoming overwhelmed.

3. Educate family members and teachers
Educate your children’s teachers and family members about their gifts and tendency for sensory overload. Ask them to support your children if they are bullied or teased.

4. Support your children in taking alone time to be quiet and creative
Empathic children thrive on free, unstructured time to be creative and allow their imaginations to wander. They recharge and calm down when they are alone. This reduces their stimulation level. Sensitive children often have imaginary playmates.

5. Teach your children breathing and meditation exercises
When empathic children are stressed, or if they feel as if they’ve taken on other people’s emotions (including your own), teach them to take a few deep breaths to calm down. In addition, they can close their eyes for a couple of minutes and meditate on a relaxing image.

It is a blessing to support the gifts of empath children. When they learn to manage their sensitivities early on, their childhood and adult lives will be easier and more fulfilling. From this perspective, parenting sensitive children is a spiritual act and sacred responsibility.

Here’s a peek at Katy Tanis’s gorgeous artwork from The Highly Sensitive Rabbit.

The post 5 Ways to Nurture Empath Children appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Are you “overly nice” and suffer as a result? What I mean by this is that empaths and many caring people often burn themselves out by over-giving and don’t know when to back off. They mean well. But what’s missing is balance and knowing when to give less and replenish themselves. I’ve known people who’ve sacrificed the last molecule of their being trying to help someone who may not have wanted their help. Or they exhaust themselves by trying to fix others. So to maximize how your giving can heal others and yourself, learn to remain discerning and balanced.

Neuroscience has confirmed numerous ways that healthy giving enhances wellness. For instance, volunteering has been shown to lower stress levels, reduce depression, and lessen your aches and pains. Plus, MRI scans have demonstrated that donating to a worthy cause increases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Contributing to a community also has been proven to enhance people’s ability to cope with addiction and bereavement.

The desire to give flows naturally from having empathy. You care. You want to help. So you offer your time, your knowledge, and your energy. (For me, time is my most valuable gift.). Perhaps you listen to a coworker going through a tough divorce or you do a load of wash for an ailing neighbor. Maybe you simply smile at a stranger.

It’s a myth that healthy giving is only unconditional or selfless. Healthy giving may also be conditional. Healthy giving comes from your heart but is also about setting boundaries in situations that warrant it and practicing self-care. One form of giving is showing someone appreciation, whether it’s for taking out the trash, filling in for you at work, or writing a moving novel. Appreciation helps people feel validated and to flourish. It can lift you out of a miserable mood so you can think, “Maybe this situation isn’t so bad after all.”

I teach my patients and the UCLA psychiatric residents I supervise, how to give wisely, sometimes a life-or-death concern. It’s a lesson in balancing and conserving energy that many of us overly nice people need to learn. You too can learn to empathize without sacrificing your own well-being. Here are some positive traits of healthy giving.

Traits of Healthy Giving over the Holidays and Beyond
(Source: The Genius of Empathy foreword by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama)

Empathize without feeling drained Practice random acts of kindness Set healthy boundaries such as saying a positive “no” Prioritize self-care, rest, and alone time to replenish energy Feel nourished by giving Know your own limits Accept support Delegate responsibilities Allow others the dignity of their own path without interfering

To feel more energized and balanced in your giving, experiment with incorporating these traits into your life. Learning to balance empathy with self-care is a beautiful ongoing healing process.

I’m inspired by the 14th Dalai Lama’s prayer about helping others in the book “Ethics for the New Millennium” in which he seeks to be “a guide for those who have lost their way” and “a bridge for those with rivers to cross.” In our own unique styles, we can do this too.

The post Are You Overly Nice? The Keys to Healthy Giving appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.

Empathic listening is a way to help heal others through the quality of your presence and attention. You consciously give your time, focus, and compassion to someone who needs to be heard. You slow down to be fully in the moment without distractions. No checking messages, being on the internet, watching television, scanning the room, or taking calls. You are quiet. You are attuning. You are present.

As a psychiatrist, I’m a trained listener. When patients consult me, I’m able to listen to them on a deeper level by utilizing my intellect, my intuition, and empathic abilities. This is very gratifying to me as it gives me the opportunity to understand what they are experiencing on a deeper level. To empower my empath patients, I teach them to listen to their inner voice and set boundaries with difficult people so their empathy can be a source of strength, love, and vitality rather than “dis-ease.”

Empathic listening is very different from talking. It is a quiet, non-verbal exercise in cultivating presence and showing undivided attention. This is also known as “passive listening,” which is different from “active listening” where you ask questions and discuss what the person shared.

Six Keys to Empathic Listening

Here is an overview of the main points to practice empathic listening. You can learn additional techniques in my book The Genius of Empathy.

1. Stay Neutral, Bear Witness
As a listener, you bear witness to another’s distress. You are caring, while offering a few supportive smiles, nods, or words.

2. Cultivate Acceptance
Try to be tolerant of ideas that may be different from your own, that you haven’t been exposed to before, or reasoning that makes you uncomfortable.

3. Set a Time, Place, and Time Limit
Keep in mind that you don’t have to listen to everyone in need, as many caring people tend to do. Choose who you listen to and for how long.

4. Stick to One Topic
Agreeing on a topic keeps you focused. If a sharer tries to cover a list of problems, it can be unproductive and overwhelming for both of you.

5. Listen to Your Intuition
Listening to your intuition can help you determine a person’s inner state. It is a nonverbal way of being empathic.

6. Bring the Conversation to a Close
When you’re nearing the end of the agreed-upon listening time, you can gently remind the sharer that it is almost time to stop.

As you begin to practice empathic listening, simply offer the recipient a supportive, nonjudgmental presence. Allowing time to listen to someone gives them space to express themselves. People also enjoy sharing happy moments and breakthroughs. Listening to these is a way of sharing positive energy and a sense of celebration with each other.

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (Sounds True ©2024) Judith Orloff, MD.

The post The Secret to Empathic Listening appeared first on Judith Orloff MD.