Judith Orloff's Blog

Sensitive, loving people waste lots of empathy trying to understand narcissists or give them the benefit of the doubt. They stay in the relationship for too long, hoping that the person will change. Empathizing with someone who isn’t interested in changing is counterproductive. In these relationships, you need to save yourself first.

If you’re ready to say goodbye, realize that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may amp up their considerable powers of seduction and persuasion to change your mind. However, when the onslaught begins, don’t waver. Stay strong and consistent. Remain vigilant for the mind games that they use to control you.

Here are four narcissistic manipulations to watch for from my book, The Genius of Empathy.

Hovering

Looking utterly sincere, a partner might keep trying to lure you back with empty promises such as, “I can’t live without you,” “I’ll go into therapy,” or “I’ll spend more time with you and the kids. I’ll change.”

If you don’t respond, they may increase the intensity of hovering by showing up at your home unannounced, sending flowers or gifts, or calling you and either hanging up or leaving multiple messages.

False Flattery

People with narcissism believe that others are as receptive to flattery as they are. So, they build you up to get you to do their wishes. They will use sweet talk to take advantage. If you are self-conscious about being shy and introverted, they might say, “I love quiet and thoughtful people. These are such rare traits.” Or, if you feel unappreciated at work, they might say, “You are so respected in your field. I really admire you.” Of course, being appreciated feels great, but this strategic flattery lays it on too thick. They only use it to manipulate and draw you back in.

Negging

Negging is a term that has arisen in popular culture and social media. It occurs when someone gives you a backhanded compliment or sends a mixed message such as, “You look so much more attractive now. Are you working out?” You think, Huh? What did they mean by that? Negging is used to undermine your confidence and make you question your resolve. If you are constantly trying to decode someone’s comments or behavior, it could be a sign of negging.

Turning Loved Ones or Others Against You

People with narcissism play dirty. When you resist their manipulations, they might threaten to undermine your relationships or status in the community. Making your life miserable restores their sense of power over you. Since they have an empathy-deficient disorder and lack a conscience, they aren’t disturbed by hurting you. In fact, they feel justified in doing so.

Stop trying to fix a narcissist or expect them to have empathy or understand your needs. Instead, when asserting your needs, remain centered rather than simply reacting to their antics. While breaking free from this type of relationship, savor your baby steps of progress. If you can move back from the chaos and heartache of dealing with a narcissist, the experience becomes a worthy lesson in how to empathize with yourself, ward off the darkness in human nature, and know your own worth and inner power

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s The Genius of Empathy with a Foreword by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

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In my book, The Empath’s Survival Guide, I write about animal empaths, as well as other types of empaths such as the Earth Empath, the Intuitive Empath and the Emotional Empath. People who are animal empaths have a special ability to tune in to animals and communicate with them. They may even have a specific gift such as being a “horse whisperer” or “dog whisperer.” They can sense if animals feel worried, upset, lonely, or unsafe. By understanding their psyches, these whisperers can help support and heal them.

Animal empaths seem to attract different creatures wherever they go and love being in their presence. So, they may work in rescue shelters, advocate for animal rights, go into veterinary medicine, or help animals in other ways.

Animal empaths have been present throughout history. Saint Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals, was able to talk to “his sisters and brothers,” the rabbits, deer, and fish, and was famous for taming a wolf. Creatures of many kinds flocked to him, as the scene is portrayed in sacred art. He often went into periods of seclusion with only his animal friends. He was known for giving sermons to audiences of birds. St. Francis said of animals, “We have a higher mission–to be of service to them whenever possible.”

If you identify with this type of empath, you can sense that animals are highly empathic with us as well. They can feel our emotions and intentions. Indigenous people believe that animals hear our thoughts. For instance, your dog or cat senses if you are sad or in pain and responds with unconditional love. You can attune to their feelings too. You sense what they are thinking and can respond to them. You are their friend and a devoted supporter of their well-being.

As an animal empath myself, the creatures of the earth have special meaning for me. I feel, in a way, that they are members of my own family, my tribe. A flock of birds flying overhead, the heavenly cry of a Sandhill Crane, the coyote’s howl—these threads of life weave the world of energy and material together. Try to feel the creatures of the earth, and thank them for their beauty, dignity, grace… and of course, their magic –which they share so generously with the humans they know.

To all the animal empaths who are reading this post: It’s okay to let go and love the diverse and sacred creatures on Earth. Become their allies and friends. Hold your interactions with them in your heart forever.

Adapted from The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff, MD (Sounds True). Read more about animal empaths in this book and become the empowered empath you were meant to be. www.drjudithorloff.com

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Being unable to turn off your thoughts is painful, especially in the middle of the night.

As a psychiatrist and empath, many of my patients come to me with an overactive mind. They’re frustrated because their mind’s chatter is drowning out everything else. It goes non-stop, keeping them stuck in circular thinking. They grow tired of repeating the same story, but they don’t know how to stop.

We each have a small and a large self. The small self is limited to the personality level where your ego, intellect, and emotional struggles dominate, and the large self is ruled by the heart. Overthinking can happen when the ego gets hurt, can’t let it go, and stays hurt. It would rather be right and have you remain stressed and angry than for you to release those burdens. As well, the small self compellingly tries to argue you out of empathy and offers “good reasons” to cling to suffering, fear, and grudges.

Empathy is the way of the heart. It lets you switch channels out of your busy mind to a different frequency where healing can happen.

Here are nine strategies from my book, The Genius of Empathy, to help you shift from the small to the larger self.

Nine Strategies to Combat Overthinking

Compassionately identify the unproductive pattern.Focus on breathing through your nose to shift out of your mind and into your body.Kindly tell yourself, Overthinking won’t help resolve the problem. It only frustrates me.Focus only on the Now rather than making up scary stories about the future.Accept what you do have the power to change rather than dwelling on situations beyond your control.Gently put your hand over your heart and visualize an uplifting image that relaxes you.Keep repeating, All is well. With time, this issue will be solved. Or simply Ohm, which in Sanskrit means “I am peaceful.”Listening to serene music transports you out of your mind and into your heart. It’s impossible to “think” the experience of music. You must feel it.An antidote for overthinking is to revel in the wonder of nature: a sunset, a dusky dawn, a sliver of moon . . . whatever touches you.

Once you shift out of your intellect and ego, loving forces can offer extra help. With an open heart, you may become willing to consider, Perhaps there’s a better choice that I’m unaware of. Perhaps I can change my attitude or behavior to heal a relationship.

Adapted from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff, MD (Sounds True 2024)

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Your primary empathy style (cognitive, emotional, intuitive, or spiritual) determines how you naturally express empathy to yourself and others.

You can understand how you are wired by identifying your primary empathy style (though you may relate to other styles as well). Your main style is your default setting, how you naturally express empathy most of the time. Knowing your style is the starting place to appreciating how your own empathy functions and how you can comfortably give and receive caring. (Note that people with narcissism and others who have empathy-deficient disorders don’t have a style of empathy because they lack this quality.)

All styles of empathy can be healing in their own ways. The goal is to make the most of your assets and also experiment with different styles to broaden your options. In The Genius of Empathy, I write about the four types of empathy, their advantages and disadvantages, and how to balance them. Here is a brief description of each style for you to determine your empathy style.

Style 1. Cognitive Empathy: The Thinker/Fixer

If your primary empathy style is cognitive, you’re most comfortable with a concrete, cerebral approach to emotions. Consider this style “thinking empathy.” You use your mind to understand others and wish the best for them. You are solution-oriented. You want to logically fix a problem with brain power but are frustrated if you can’t. You may respond to a friend in distress with “I understand that this situation is hurtful, and here’s what you can do about it” rather than “My heart feels for you,” and then give them space to express their discomfort.

Style 2. Emotional Empathy: The Feeler

If your primary empathy style is emotional, you empathize with others through your emotions. Consider this style “feeling empathy.” You have a big heart and are responsive to people’s needs. You feel everything, but sometimes to an extreme. Like me and many other sensitive empaths, you may be an emotional sponge whose body absorbs others’ distress as well their joy. Since emotions can be contagious, you are vulnerable to catching them.

Style 3. Intuitive Empathy: The Subtle Senser

If your primary empathy style is intuitive, your keen intuition and sensitivity let you read people and their nonverbal cues more easily. Consider this style “sensing empathy.” Your intuition senses if someone is being authentic or if they aren’t. You have strong gut feelings, ah-ha insights, knowings, or dreams. You also feel the positive and negative vibes that people emit. These vibes come from what Chinese medical practitioners call “chi,” or subtle energy, which extends inches or feet from the skin.

Style 4. Spiritual Empathy: The Mystic

If your primary empathy style is spiritual, you empathize with others through your spirituality. Consider this style “divining empathy,” which describes the process of connecting to spirituality (however you define it) to open your heart. For some, spirituality could be God, Goddess, nature, a creative intelligence, or the power of love. The divine is a stepping stone to your large, compassionate self. You become a vessel for Spirit as you give and receive empathy. In some spiritual traditions ego = edging God out, which you are less prone to do.

The most significant relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. Knowing your empathy style provides a basic understanding of how to productively express caring and where you are off balance. This information lets you love yourself more and find a comfortable, healing mode of giving and self-care.

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Bullies want you to recognize how powerful they are. Caring people want you to see how powerful you truly are.

Many bullies have an “empathy deficient disorder “ (they are not capable of real empathy) and often show narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic traits. They can be grandiose and arrogant while belittling others’ accomplishments or personal qualities. An ongoing theme in my book, The Genius of Empathy, is valuing your own needs and setting limits with destructive or otherwise hurtful or negligent people.

People who bully are notorious for targeting those they perceive as “different,” weak, or flawed, or unable to stick up for themselves. What do they want? Mainly, to have power over people (since deep down they feel powerless), which they get by denigrating and dehumanizing others.

What motivates bullying?

A few factors include fear of people’s differences, unresolved trauma, low self-esteem, a fragile ego, insecurity, and poor parental role modeling. Many bullies get pleasure from being cruel or seeking revenge. Unconsciously, someone who bullies can feel that if I make you wrong, inferior, or ‘weird,’ my hatred, anger, and poor treatment of you is justified. Denying your worth and getting my friends to scapegoat you (mob mentality) gives me control over you. Understanding this dynamic never justifies bullying behavior. It simply explains what motivates it and deadens their empathy. In psychiatric circles, this defense mechanism to manage fear and trauma is known as depersonalization, where someone makes another unrelatable or inhuman. To protect your empathy and peace of mind, practice the following seven strategies with bullies.

Tips to Cope with People Who Bully

Tell someone you can trust about the bullying behavior rather than keeping it secret because you’re ashamed. Inform your parents, spouse, good friend, school counselor, or human resources at work who can offer support.Stop expecting the bully to have empathy for you—most don’t.Give up trying to figure the bully out. Accept that they are wounded and can do real harm.Do not react emotionally to the bully’s tactics. They feel powerful by dominating others whom they perceive as weaker. Stay calm. Leave the situation as soon as possible.If your relative is an emotional bully, sit next to someone else at a family dinner and have minimal contact if they won’t stop.If the bully is your boss, you may need to discreetly look for a new job.In instances of physical abuse and bullying, contact law enforcement and secure legal assistance to get a restraining order. Your resolve and refusal to cower helps to undermine a bully’s game.

Take time to have empathy for yourself and the hurt that being bullied has caused you. Assure yourself that you are committed to healing and to practicing self-love. Now and in the future, feel gratitude for the new you who is prepared to never again give your power away to anyone.

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (foreword by The Dalai Lama) by Judith Orloff, MD

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(Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy, Judith Orloff, MD, forward by The Dalai Lama)

It’s important to have realistic expectations of others rather than just seeing the best in them, as many loving, empathic people tend to do.

Idealizing someone or ignoring their limitations is a setup for disappointment and makes you vulnerable to getting into unhealthy relationships. No one is better or less than you. When anyone tells you a fact about themselves, such as “I’m not the most giving person,” you must believe them.

In The Genius of Empathy, I tell the story of a patient, Jean, a smart, sensitive advertising executive, who was swept away by a new man she met. “He’s so brilliant, affectionate, and fun,” she said. He also told her (which she didn’t believe) that he was extremely independent and wasn’t looking for a committed relationship. This man never deviated from his clear message— but Jean didn’t want to hear it. She thought, If I’m patient, our love will change his mind. Alas, it did not. Inevitably, Jean was painfully let down and felt bitter and resentful for a long time.

Making someone into who you want them to be can lead to heartbreak. It’s like going into a hardware store filled with shelves of cold functional equipment and expecting to get a delicious warm croissant and fresh coffee. It’s not going to happen. Still, Jean was hurt and angry; she blamed him for her misery. Months passed before she was able to accept and even empathize with herself for misreading the situation. She admitted how honest he’d been. It was a painful but useful lesson in accepting what is.

Don’t let unrealistic expectations set you up for a similar scenario. I understand how much we may want love or success, how we may ignore the red flags that are evident from the start of a relationship or a passion project. So, stay clear and strong. Train yourself to see people and situations accurately.

Take this Reality Check from The Genius of Empathy

For any new or ongoing relationships, ask yourself:

Am I seeing the whole person, their positive and negative traits?Am I prone to fantasizing and magical thinking?Do I believe what people tell me about themselves, or do I make excuses for them?Are my expectations realistic?Do I acknowledge warning signs?

Compassionately evaluate your answers to determine where you stand with seeing others clearly. If you answered no to one or more questions, keep watching for how you can better align your expectations with reality.

Don’t keep giving your love and loyalty to people who can’t return it. Also, be careful of expecting more from others than they can give. One definition of insanity is when you keep returning to the same situation but expect different results. Sometimes, having empathy means accepting that someone is doing their best (though it might not be great) and subsequently lowering your expectations. This helps you have realistic relationships with more empathy and acceptance for what others can give, even if it is not what you were hoping for.

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(Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff, MD)

In healthy relationships, you don’t have to work so hard emotionally all the time.

Codependency can be defined as a relationship that has become so unhealthily enmeshed that people lose their individual strength and power. Typically, a person with codependent traits feels overly responsible for others and picks up the slack in relationships and at work. They want everyone to be happy. So they go overboard and become people pleasers and peacemakers in their relationships. They have difficulty asserting their own needs for fear of rejection or disapproval.

If you’re a codependent giver, it can be difficult to step back and let others learn from their mistakes. Though you mean well, you want to overhelp or fix people, or believe that you need to intervene. You might have learned this habit from living with someone who is struggling with drinking or who has narcissism or experiences anxiety.

Not all Codependent Givers are Empaths

Many caring people have codependent tendencies, but not all codependent givers are empaths. Codependency is more an instinct to overgive and caretake than an indicator of how much empathy someone has. You can be a codependent without being an empath. Empaths absorb the stress and symptoms of others, not something all codependents do. Commonly, however, both may struggle to set boundaries and perceive others as being separate. Their healing involves learning to be attentive listeners without feeling that it is their job to take on another’s problems.

Codependent givers have good intentions and genuinely want to help, but they tend to neglect their own needs and overgive to the point of exhaustion, even to people who treat them poorly. They are at risk of becoming martyrs. Giving is supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, something is off.

Evaluate your mode of giving using the traits below so that the gift of being of service to others can feel more balanced and gratifying.

Traits of a Codependent Giver from The Genius of Empathy

I put others’ needs above my own.I keep giving to people who don’t reciprocate.I feel exhausted from overhelping or being a martyr.I am a people pleaser—working overtime to make others happy.I feel guilty saying no or asking for help.I can be overcontrolling and micromanage others’ lives or offer unsolicited advice.I fear rejection or abandonment if I express my needs.I try to rescue people from their problems.I believe it is my job to take on the suffering of others and the world.I can smother people with my generosity.

The more traits you identify with, the higher you tend to be a codependent giver and experience empathy overload. Having even one trait suggests some codependency is present. Be gentle with yourself. Begin to balance how much you give and receive. Your goal is to express empathy in a balanced way and feel good.

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I’m such a visual empath. Watching films is a pure delight for me, but I can’t tolerate loud or terrifying movies with big explosions.

I’m not alone; many empaths are often overwhelmed by violent, fast-paced, or loud movie soundtracks. Even the actors can be too loud. Instead, sensitive people love heartwarming movies, so I want to share a few more movies that I love.

Here are my updated recommendations for empath-friendly films. By this, I mean films that are inspirational, sometimes magical, and filled with love of the earth and its creatures, as well as friendships and all of humankind. These are not violent, loud, or action thrillers. Their pace is slower, richer, and leaves space for your imagination to roam to creative, beautiful places.

I hope you enjoy these films too and that they bring peace, upliftment, and enchantment to your life.

1. The Life of Pi (2012)

While stranded on a lifeboat for 227 days after a shipwreck, a young man is hurtled into an epic journey of adventure and discovery. While cast away, he forms an unexpected connection with another survivor: a fearsome Bengal tiger. Based on Yann Martel’s 2001 novel, it stars Suraj Sharma in his film debut, Irrfan Khan, Tabu, Rafe Spall, Gérard Depardieu and Adil Hussain in lead roles.
Streaming on Amazon Video. Watch the video Here

2. The Velveteen Rabbit (2023)

The Velveteen Rabbit is a live-action/animated fantasy short film based on the classic book by Margery Williams. The film celebrates the magic of unconditional love. When William receives a new favorite toy for Christmas, he discovers a lifelong friend and unlocks a world of magic.
Streaming on AppleTV and Amazon Video. Watch the video Here

3. My Octopus Teacher (2020 Documentary)

After years of swimming every day in the freezing ocean at the tip of Africa, Craig Foster meets an unlikely teacher a young octopus who displays remarkable curiosity. Visiting her den and tracking her movements for months on end he eventually wins the animal’s trust and they develop a never-before-seen bond between human and wild animal. Streaming on Netflix. Watch the trailer Here

4. Chronicles of Narnia Film Series (2005 – 2010)

The Chronicles of Narnia is a three-film fantasy series based on The Chronicles of Narnia, a series of novels by C. S. Lewis. The series revolves around the adventures of children in the world of Narnia, guided by Aslan, a wise and powerful lion who can speak and is the true king of Narnia. The children heavily featured in the films are the Pevensie siblings, and a prominent antagonist is the White Witch (also known as Queen Jadis)
Stream on Disney+ and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer for the first film Here

5. The Shape of Water (2017)

From master storyteller Guillermo del Toro comes The Shape of Water, an otherworldly fable set against the backdrop of Cold War era America circa 1962. In the hidden high-security government laboratory where she works, lonely Elisa (Sally Hawkins) is trapped in a life of isolation. Elisa’s life is changed forever when she and co-worker Zelda (Octavia Spencer) discover a secret classified experiment.
Streaming on Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

6. Arrival (2016)

Linguistics professor Louise Banks leads an elite team of investigators when gigantic spaceships touchdown in 12 locations around the world. As nations teeter on the verge of global war, Banks and her crew must race against time to find a way to communicate with the extraterrestrial visitors. Hoping to unravel the mystery, she takes a chance that could threaten her life and quite possibly all of mankind.
Streaming on Netflix. Watch the trailer Here

7. Eddie The Eagle (2015)

Eddie the Eagle is a feel-good story inspired by true events, about Michael “Eddie” Edwards (Taron Egerton), an unlikely but courageous British ski-jumper who never stopped believing in himself–even as an entire nation was counting him out. With the help of a rebellious and charismatic coach (Hugh Jackman), Eddie takes on the establishment and wins the hearts of sports fans around the world by making an improbable and historic showing at the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics.
Streaming on Netflix and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

8. The Way Way Back (2013)

Duncan is an awkward teen who must spend the summer at a beach house with his mother, her boyfriend, Trent, and Trent’s obnoxious daughter. Trent can’t resist badgering Duncan, so the youth steals away to a water park and gets a job that will help him stay off Trent’s radar. As Duncan tends to the slides and pools of the aging park, he finds a father figure in wisecracking park manager Owen at a time when he desperately needs one.
Streaming on Netflix and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

9. Touched by an Angel TV Series (1994-2005)

Angels are dispatched from heaven to inspire people who are at crossroads in their lives. Monica, an angel who at times still needs some guidance with her Earthly assignments, reports to Tess, her tough, wise, and always loving supervisor. Joining them is Andrew, who, in addition to his duties as the Angel of Death, helps out as a caseworker on various assignments. The angels may not bring answers to every problem, but they always deliver a message of hope.
Streaming on YouTube, Paramount+, Netflix, and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here.

10. InnSæi – The Power of Intuition (2016 Documentary)

An Icelandic film that explores the concept of “innsæi,” which means “the sea within” or “to see from the inside out.” It features a philosophical journey about connecting with one’s inner world.
Streaming on Apple TV and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

11. PGS: Intuition Is Your Personal Guidance System (2017)

Filmmaker Bill Bennett documents his journey to find the source of a mysterious voice that saved his life. Featuring interviews with some of the world’s leading experts on intuition, spanning the fields of science, religion, and spirituality.
Streaming on Apple TV, YouTube, and Amazon Video. Watch the trailer Here

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Highly sensitive children are often shamed for their sensitivities. They grow up believing there’s something wrong with them. In “The Highly Sensitive Rabbit,” you’ll see how being sensitive is a creative talent that needs to be nurtured.

Shame is a deeply painful emotion, a sense of humiliation and unworthiness that comes from feeling flawed. Unfortunately, in a culture that often values toughness, loudness, and extroversion, sensitive children are frequently misunderstood. They’re told to “stop being a crybaby,” and their emotional responses may be dismissed or even ridiculed. Rather than being supported, they’re often shamed for being “too emotional.” But their sensitivity is not a weakness—it’s a gift.

As a psychiatrist who was also a highly sensitive child, I know firsthand how shame can cloud one’s self-worth. I remember my mother saying in front of her friends, “Judith, you need to toughen up and get a thicker skin. You’ll never survive in this world otherwise.” That one comment made me want to disappear. When children are shamed, especially in front of others, it can stick in their psyche and follow them into adulthood—affecting their confidence, relationships, and sense of identity.

Understanding Highly Sensitive Children

Highly sensitive children are biologically wired to feel more deeply than others. Their nervous systems are finely tuned, and they don’t have the same filters that many children do to block out stimulation. As a result, they are easily overstimulated. They absorb everything—both joy and pain—with heightened intensity. These are the children who may shed tears when they see someone else suffering, who are easily overwhelmed by loud noises or chaotic environments, and who are deeply moved by beauty and kindness.

Helping Children Heal from Shame

Sensitive children are particularly vulnerable to internalizing shame. They may be teased for crying, for preferring quiet play, or for reacting strongly to perceived slights. Many feel like they don’t fit in.

Take Aurora, the courageous heroine in my book “The Highly Sensitive Rabbit.” She is left out of games, teased for being quiet and “too emotional.” Like many sensitive children, Aurora starts to believe the negative messages she receives from others—until she learns that her sensitivity is actually her strength.

Most parents want to help their sensitive children thrive, but they may not know how to counteract the negative messages their children encounter.

Tips for Parents to Address Their Highly Sensitive Child’s Shame

Here are some ways parents can support and empower their sensitive children:

Validate their emotions: Instead of saying, “Don’t cry,” you can say, “I see that you’re feeling overwhelmed—it’s okay to feel that way. Let me help you quiet down.”Celebrate their uniqueness: Talk about their ability to sense others’ feelings, their creativity, and their deep thinking as superpowers.Protect their boundaries: Never tolerate anyone—whether a teacher, family member, or peer—shaming your child for being sensitive.Intervene against bullying: If bullying is occurring, involve the school immediately and insist on clear policies that protect your child.Model healthy sensitivity: When parents embrace their own feelings and model empathy, children learn that it’s safe and strong to feel deeply.

Becoming Their Safe Haven

Sensitive parents are uniquely positioned to raise sensitive children with confidence. When parents embrace their own gentleness and vulnerability, they become powerful role models. Children learn by watching us. When we show them that sensitivity and strength can coexist, they begin to believe it for themselves.
As parents, educators, and community members, we have a responsibility to nurture the sensitive souls among us. These children are the future artists, healers, and visionaries of the world. By empowering them to overcome shame and embrace who they truly are, we help them grow into emotionally balanced, courageous, and compassionate adults.

Join Dr. Orloff on her The Highly Sensitive Rabbit Bookstore Tour

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Caregiving is an opportunity to help someone with a physical, emotional, or spiritual infirmity. It is a chance for your empathy to shine.

In the 1990s, I was the caregiver when both parents became ill at different points. I am thankful that I could bring them more peace and stability in their final days. They didn’t have to be alone or without the eyes of love. I was their advocate, their rock, a familiar, caring face in the storm. My father told others, “Judith is holding me under her wing.”

Healthy caregiving means sometimes stepping away from the person you are helping to meditate, sleep, attend to your own health, watch a funny movie, or talk to a friend. Also, snuggle with your animal companions or stuffed animal friends to nourish your inner child, who often gets lost in the caregiving process.

Whether you’re helping a friend recover from an injury or supporting a parent through a serious illness, here are five practical caregiving tips.

Practical Tips for Caregivers (From The Genius of Empathy)

Beware of Smothering Generosity

Sometimes you can help too much and smother people with generosity. Though you mean well, without knowing it, you become intrusive, hovering, or nervously fussing over someone. You infantilize them by frequently asking, “Are you any better, honey? Are you in pain?” From the recipient’s perspective, it can feel like you are treating them as a sick, helpless baby.

Appreciate the Pros and Cons of Being a Super-Giver

Being a super-giver offers you a sense of purpose in that you’re contributing to someone’s life. Also, there are real benefits for the recipient. Super-givers have high energy. They get things done and advocate for a patient. Even so, super-givers can overcompensate for their fear of abandonment or rejection by doing too much. Their subconscious motive is that by making themselves indispensable, there’s less chance that the person will leave them. In reality, this isn’t always true.

Know the Difference between Worry and Concern

Worry is when you focus your anxiety on a specific target, such as the health of the person you are caring for. Being someone who chronically worries may be an attempt to gain control or overcome a sense of helplessness about a situation. Naturally, legitimate concerns arise when someone is ill, but worry takes concern into the area of suffering. To worry is to be human. However—and I know this may be hard to absorb— worry doesn’t help

Cultivate Tolerance and Patience

People who are suffering from acute or chronic pain or illness or are immobile can be irritable or just in a plain mean mood. Still, if you’re caring for someone cranky or mean,  try to understand what’s going on. Particularly if the person is dying, cut them some slack and stop trying to change them.

Tolerance means being able to “live and let live” without correcting someone’s beliefs or behavior. With caregiving, it may mean tolerating someone’s frustrating attitude or ongoing pain. Be patient with them.

Reach Out for Support and Resources

If you’re helping someone who is chronically ill or terminal, it is lifesaving for you to seek help and to delegate. I understand the impulse to want to do everything yourself. After all, you are the person who knows and loves the patient the most—and you may feel uncomfortable bringing in a “stranger.” If you’re not a “joiner” or “group person,” you might feel more comfortable with online support. You can participate in Zoom or phone meetings where you can simply listen.

As a caregiver, be sure to take time for yourself to replenish and relax. In addition, you can use the Serenity Prayer to keep you centered.

Grant me the serenity
To accept the people or things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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