C.D. Kreger's Blog
May 2, 2025
Let Survivors Heal: Challenging the Pressure to Forgive
Today I am going to allow myself to be a bit more raw and vulnerable than normally. I want to talk about a kind of harm that survivors regularly receive from people in our lives that we should be able to look to for love and support. I seem to always find myself, and likely many of you, bumping up against people who think they can “help” me by teaching me to “forgive as God forgives.”
If you have ever pushed a survivor to leap directly to forgiveness don’t feel too bad. It is a learned response. It is a trap because all of us have been taught it, and as a result we don’t stop and think of the harm it causes.
Forgiveness is wonderful! Forgiveness and forgiving in the right place and the right time is amazing. However, the problem is that forgiveness was never meant to replace caring for victims or those hurt. Sexual violence is trauma. Sexual violence revisits the survivor in body and spirit for days, months and years. Survivors need real care and support. Medical care, emotional care and spiritual care! Far too many seek to skip past triage of the victims and move straight to forgiveness.
Imagine for a moment that I suffer from a different wound of body and soul. Imagine instead of being abused by a drunken pedophile, I was hit by a drunk driver. No one would ever consider it appropriate to jump right over the triage questions (“Are you okay?”, “How can I help?”), and push their belief that “if only I was better at forgiving, if only I understood forgiveness as they do, if only I were different, if only I were strong enough to overcome all evil”, then my car would not have been damaged by the drunk driver nor my bones would have been broken.
I cannot tell you the number of times I have been told “ if you could just learn how to truly forgive, if you would pray for guidance, if you would read specific scriptures” the speaker directed me to read and consider, that if I were different, if I were better, if I were more holy… or a million other things, implying I was the primary cause of “the problem”. If I were just more, then none of this would have happened, or, even if it did, I could still experience healing, if only I would choose to forgive then I would be whole! And if I am still not whole it could only mean that I chose not to be. Is it any wonder that I spent so much of my life believing that I was sin?
If you cannot understand what I am feeling right now then you are truly a lucky and blessed person. Please just trust me and know that there are many others who will read this and know exactly how I feel. No matter who you are, please make the commitment to not engage in the blame and shame game that is so common. Sexual violence lives in the shadows. Predators find safety and are supported in victim blaming “dialogue”. Let us all, each and every one of us, refuse to provide predators a place to hide!
If you have ever pushed a survivor to leap directly to forgiveness don’t feel too bad. It is a learned response. It is a trap because all of us have been taught it, and as a result we don’t stop and think of the harm it causes.
Forgiveness is wonderful! Forgiveness and forgiving in the right place and the right time is amazing. However, the problem is that forgiveness was never meant to replace caring for victims or those hurt. Sexual violence is trauma. Sexual violence revisits the survivor in body and spirit for days, months and years. Survivors need real care and support. Medical care, emotional care and spiritual care! Far too many seek to skip past triage of the victims and move straight to forgiveness.
Imagine for a moment that I suffer from a different wound of body and soul. Imagine instead of being abused by a drunken pedophile, I was hit by a drunk driver. No one would ever consider it appropriate to jump right over the triage questions (“Are you okay?”, “How can I help?”), and push their belief that “if only I was better at forgiving, if only I understood forgiveness as they do, if only I were different, if only I were strong enough to overcome all evil”, then my car would not have been damaged by the drunk driver nor my bones would have been broken.
I cannot tell you the number of times I have been told “ if you could just learn how to truly forgive, if you would pray for guidance, if you would read specific scriptures” the speaker directed me to read and consider, that if I were different, if I were better, if I were more holy… or a million other things, implying I was the primary cause of “the problem”. If I were just more, then none of this would have happened, or, even if it did, I could still experience healing, if only I would choose to forgive then I would be whole! And if I am still not whole it could only mean that I chose not to be. Is it any wonder that I spent so much of my life believing that I was sin?
If you cannot understand what I am feeling right now then you are truly a lucky and blessed person. Please just trust me and know that there are many others who will read this and know exactly how I feel. No matter who you are, please make the commitment to not engage in the blame and shame game that is so common. Sexual violence lives in the shadows. Predators find safety and are supported in victim blaming “dialogue”. Let us all, each and every one of us, refuse to provide predators a place to hide!
April 13, 2025
The Shocking Truth: 62% and the Urgent Need to Talk About Sexual Violence
Trigger Warning: Please be advised that this post discusses the topic of sexual violence.
The most important thing I have to say about sexual violence is “62%!” In 2018, and in response to the #MeToo movement, the nonprofit organization Stop Street Harassment (SSH) found that 81% of women and 43% of men, or 62% of the overall US population, reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime. (Click here for a full copy of the report.) Sadly, very little has changed since 2018. The #MeToo movement has faded into obscurity and survivors of sexual violence continue to suffer in silence.
Sixty-two percent! Consider what that number means. It means all of us! 62% means that absolutely no one is unaffected by sexual violence. Those of us who do not experience sexual violence directly are still exposed to the impact every day. Our parents, our teachers, our healthcare providers, grocery store workers, people who cut our hair, walk our dogs and prepare our meals…are fighting their way through life dealing with the untreated trauma of sexual violence. There is not one person in this country who is not impacted by sexual violence every day of our lives and still no one knows how to talk about it!
Can you imagine the public outcry if 62% of children were born with birth defects, 62% of high school graduates could not read, or even something as trivial as 62% of airline flights were cancelled or delayed? Sexual violence continues to exist in the shadows just as it always has. Most of us who experience or witness sexual violence suffer in silence thinking that we brought it on ourselves, we must have done something wrong, and no one will ever hear us or understand because we are the only one. We wouldn’t dare try to talk about it. What would people think?
Even worse is our response when people do try to talk to us. How many times have we responded to a person in need by changing or ignoring the topic or directly telling the speaker that such a conversation is inappropriate? It is okay to admit this. We have all done it. We have been trained all our lives to treat this topic as taboo. I have done it countless times and I am the person writing this blog. The point is we all can and must do better!
Allow me to challenge you. Let’s commit to having the discussion. Start small. Find one person in your life. Ask them to read this blog or share my book FACE THE STORM. Even if the first attempt isn't successful, keep trying. People care. If we can just break the ice we can all do better.
Another challenge: Listen. People all around you are looking for a way to be seen and heard. Most of us just stopped hearing because not acknowledging sexual violence is considered the tactful thing to do. We live in a society that reinforces the lie that ignoring sexual violence is required to protect a person’s dignity. We were never taught the truth, that our blind eye to sexual violence creates an environment where predators are free to hunt without fear. Resolve to hear when someone asks for help and respond with care and support. It is not necessary to know the right words or have a perfect answer. All that’s needed is a little reflexive listening. Any simple, non-dismissive, response will do. Just say, “Ouch.” “That’s a lot.” or “I hear you.”
Finally, share! Those of us who are part of the 62% must stand up. We need to be seen, be heard, and be counted. The predators have ruled for too long. Tell your story. Shine a light in the darkness. Let’s all create a new environment where safety is expected, compassion is the norm, and sexual violence is unthinkable!
The most important thing I have to say about sexual violence is “62%!” In 2018, and in response to the #MeToo movement, the nonprofit organization Stop Street Harassment (SSH) found that 81% of women and 43% of men, or 62% of the overall US population, reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime. (Click here for a full copy of the report.) Sadly, very little has changed since 2018. The #MeToo movement has faded into obscurity and survivors of sexual violence continue to suffer in silence.
Sixty-two percent! Consider what that number means. It means all of us! 62% means that absolutely no one is unaffected by sexual violence. Those of us who do not experience sexual violence directly are still exposed to the impact every day. Our parents, our teachers, our healthcare providers, grocery store workers, people who cut our hair, walk our dogs and prepare our meals…are fighting their way through life dealing with the untreated trauma of sexual violence. There is not one person in this country who is not impacted by sexual violence every day of our lives and still no one knows how to talk about it!
Can you imagine the public outcry if 62% of children were born with birth defects, 62% of high school graduates could not read, or even something as trivial as 62% of airline flights were cancelled or delayed? Sexual violence continues to exist in the shadows just as it always has. Most of us who experience or witness sexual violence suffer in silence thinking that we brought it on ourselves, we must have done something wrong, and no one will ever hear us or understand because we are the only one. We wouldn’t dare try to talk about it. What would people think?
Even worse is our response when people do try to talk to us. How many times have we responded to a person in need by changing or ignoring the topic or directly telling the speaker that such a conversation is inappropriate? It is okay to admit this. We have all done it. We have been trained all our lives to treat this topic as taboo. I have done it countless times and I am the person writing this blog. The point is we all can and must do better!
Allow me to challenge you. Let’s commit to having the discussion. Start small. Find one person in your life. Ask them to read this blog or share my book FACE THE STORM. Even if the first attempt isn't successful, keep trying. People care. If we can just break the ice we can all do better.
Another challenge: Listen. People all around you are looking for a way to be seen and heard. Most of us just stopped hearing because not acknowledging sexual violence is considered the tactful thing to do. We live in a society that reinforces the lie that ignoring sexual violence is required to protect a person’s dignity. We were never taught the truth, that our blind eye to sexual violence creates an environment where predators are free to hunt without fear. Resolve to hear when someone asks for help and respond with care and support. It is not necessary to know the right words or have a perfect answer. All that’s needed is a little reflexive listening. Any simple, non-dismissive, response will do. Just say, “Ouch.” “That’s a lot.” or “I hear you.”
Finally, share! Those of us who are part of the 62% must stand up. We need to be seen, be heard, and be counted. The predators have ruled for too long. Tell your story. Shine a light in the darkness. Let’s all create a new environment where safety is expected, compassion is the norm, and sexual violence is unthinkable!
