Christy Wulff's Blog

I guess I’m going to this once-a-year posting bit. I’d like to post more, but life tends to get busy and I don’t make time for it. I want to in 2022, but don’t hold me to it. If I’m writing it will *hopefully* be my WIP and not a blog, but sometimes the insistent rambling doesn’t pair well for a novel. See. I’m doing it now.

Camping in the Cold

4th of July

Sea Side

Cheers to one year!

Okay, 2021. Here’s the thing. 2021 was the first year life was quiet for me since 2017. In 2018 I got a divorce, in 2019 I got engaged and in 2020 I got married. Not to mention my mom passing away, job changing and a host of other things. Most of it was good, great even. But it was busy. They say the hardest relationship is the healthy one after the toxic one and that is a fact. But it’s not until the quiet comes that you know there’s a problem. In a toxic relationship, drama means love. Tears mean love. Huge, over-the-top emotions and behavior mean love. So, the steady hum of a normal life feels like something is wrong. What do you mean you’re not jumping in front of my car to stop me from leaving? What do you mean you’re not showing up at my work and buying me Coach purses? What’s going on here? Where’s the yelling and hitting walls and….what is this? Turns out ‘this’ is a healthy relationship. This is what people do when they have nothing to hide and no need to love-bomb you after their most recent transgression. And no one talks about this addiction (for lack of a better term) you hold on to for the love bombing. You think if someone isn’t fawning all over you all the time, something is wrong. If they’re not texting you every second, something is wrong. You expect it. But what you expect is a false construct that if you’re honest with yourself never lasted anyway. So when things get quiet and life is just happily unfolding you will start to question things and make up scenarios in your head and you will mess everything up if you’re not careful, or so I’ve learned.

I didn’t think I had any leftover issues or wounds, but I’d just spent three years filling those holes with constant life changes. Basically, I had something to focus on other than myself. And as it turns out, ya girl is pretty wounded and worst of all, wounded my son in the process. The behaviors I picked up to survive inevitably trickled down to him. It wasn’t until this year that I really accepted that I needed work. But acknowledging that is the first step and I continue to work on myself and my behaviors. My son and I are closer than we’ve ever been (now that he’s about to move out lol) and I’m working on taking responsibility for the pain I caused him.

I also fully embraced the NACHO Kids method this year and that has been amazing for my mental health. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you can read about it here. It’s a method of family blending where the stepparent leaves the parenting to the parents and totally steps out of the equation. I honestly didn’t know how much stress and drama trying to put my nose where it didn’t belong was causing me until I stopped. We try not to talk about the past or allow situations to overlap at all in our house. My husband and I have had conversations about things we’ve learned from our previous relationships, lessons we took away, behaviors we’re trying to overcome – but not allowing your past a place in your present is a good lesson to learn. We only talk about our future as a family here, and our family is he and I and our boys. It’s refreshing. I highly recommend this style, especially for stepparents whose stepkids live with them full-time. Unless the other parent has asked you to step in and *insert whatever here* do not do it. You’re there for love, kind words and to be a support system for your spouse. I also think I was blessed with the best stepkids on the planet so this makes it easy for me. I’ve never had to deal with meanness or disrespect or other things I hear so many stepparents complaining about and why this method might not work for them. These kids are good humans and just need a little direction…from their parents.

I’m not saying I’ve reached the end of my healing journey and 2022 is going to be smooth sailing. Far from it. I’m just saying that you’ll never get anywhere if you stand still and for the first time in a while, I’m taking steps forward. With all that being said, I leave you with everyone’s favorite part of my posts: Lessons learned in 2021…

You’ve probably hurt and gaslighted your kids. Acknowledge, apologize and do better.Even if you wanted it, the end of anything will affect you and you need to process it.Not everyone deserves your forgiveness, but you deserve to reach a level of indifference that’s, well, indifferent.You can remove yourself from any situation that isn’t good for your mental health, familial or otherwise.Birth control can make your hair fall out.And last but most certainly not least: It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Wishing you all a safe and happy 2022. Here’s to it being your best year yet.

The post 2021 Year in Review appeared first on Christy Wulff.

*I barely posted all year so you’ll forgive the length of this one.*

I know a lot of you don’t want to hear this and cannot relate, but 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Maybe the best. Looking back, yeah, actually, I can say with confidence that 2020 was the best year of my life. But, if you know me or follow this blog at all, you know I was due. You know I’d had some pretty rough years since…well, since 2012 really. It was a hard time in my life. We lost a house, I lost respect for my husband, was doing pretty dumb shit online and was generally miserable. Then, in 2017 after years of back and forth, my husband’s most recent transgression came to light, and instead of fighting with him, I just put his ass right out. Packed his shit and had it waiting for him. And he just left too, since it was in fact, my house in my name and I’m sure by that point he was as done as I was. I don’t know what story he’d tell about those years and frankly, I don’t care. I don’t wish him any ill will, but I do find it sad that he never tried to maintain a relationship with his son. Nevertheless, he did gift me the ability to move on with my life without interfering and for that, I will be forever grateful.

Since I’d spent the last few years of my marriage essentially getting over my marriage, I was fully ready to move on the moment I put him out, and it’s a good thing because the Universe sent me the love of my life about 40 days later. I wish it had been about 70 days later, since it took him three months to actually stop sleeping with his ex, but I suppose in the end I was the catalyst that finally allowed him to move on for good after a year of separation and back and forth. Perhaps the Universe knew he and I would understand what it’s like to be caught in a relationship where the love has died but you can’t seem to let go? Perhaps the Universe knew we needed each other at the exact moment we found each other…well, he found me if we’re being honest. We’re total opposites in most things and practically the same person in some things. It was scary at first, to fall that fast and hard for someone. We put each other through the wringer to say the least. It was over a full year before we both settled into a rhythm and put our pasts completely behind us, divorces and all. And of course, we were both like, ‘oh we’re never getting married again!’ HA! I remember saying that to one of his friends in the beginning, which is funny because this good old Southern girl changed her mind pretty quick. I don’t know what to tell you. Not being married is fine for some people, but not me. If we’re doing this forever thing, we’re doing it married. I had no idea he was on board. He seemed like he was just humoring me most of the time honestly. Then, three months after his divorce was final, he popped the question late one night after a concert. Probably the only true surprise I’ve ever had in my life.

We spent the first part of 2020 planning a big wedding and the last part of it figuring out how to have a small wedding, but still make it special. In the end, it was perfect. Everything was truly perfect and just the way I wanted it. We rented a house (mansion!) for the weekend and most of our friends and family stayed with us.

    

Then we honeymooned in North Carolina in the mountains. It was a dream. Being his wife is a dream. It’s hard for me to describe. I could give you a list of things that make this man imperfect. Like, a BIG LIST. But to me, he is nothing but perfect. He is kind and thoughtful and listens when I need him to. He is SO SMART, very stable in his career, and continues to excel. Fun-loving, we have so much fun together and enjoy the same things, but he can be serious when he needs to be. All the issues I had with my ex aren’t issues with him. Once I was told that people are like cars. They’re gonna start messing up after a while and get old. You have to pick one where you’re okay with the little squeaks or super good at fixing the things wrong with it. I couldn’t deal with any of my ex’s issues. All of my husband’s I’m an expert in. And on top of all that, I’m happy to say, he is so so so so so damn fine. Blue eyes and all! But most of you know all this. Most of you know how happy we are and how happy he makes me.

The other thing that made 2020 perfect for me, it was the first full year of me officially working for the company I’d been supporting for the last 15 years. I’d previously worked for the company that owned them, but they were sold and took me with them! That alone was an honor, to know your name is on some legal agreement somewhere. That you were singled out as being good enough to not be left behind. That is also the kind of shit that makes you crazy loyal. I mean, go down fighting for this company until the last bell rings and they put me in the ground, kind of loyal. It helps that it’s a wonderful company and their purpose is to help people. I, specifically, write words to help get kids special education therapy AND THEY PAY ME FOR IT. And like, really well too. I’m an INFJ and it’s important to our mental wellness that our job matters and fulfills us. I’m so thankful that I have that. Crazy how I ended up with them. A journey that started in 2004 and I’m here to tell you I almost messed up a lot. Thankfully, I had some amazing mentors and friends that protected me and fought for me when anyone else probably would have been let go. I was young and made a lot of mistakes. I’ve grown up here and with this company. Now look at us, all grown and happy and doing the damn thing.

Like I said, I was due. I had some good Karma coming my way and 2020 delivered. If yours wasn’t so great, to you I say this: hold on. Hold on, don’t quit, and always be true to yourself. The right people (and jobs) will find you.

Okay, a new year’s post wouldn’t be complete without some advice and a song so here you go:

 

Lessons learned in 2020

Your physical space around you is important. Maintain your house/work space and splurge a little to make it your own.
Weddings are expensive. But worth it if done right.
Best friends are gonna be best friends even if you don’t see them every day.
Feed your MIND a healthy diet. This is recent (and not mine, I stole this from the CEO of my company). Social media is just a cesspool of other people’s drama. You gotta get away from it. Pick one platform and use that to enhance your personal experience and leave the others alone.
And last but certainly not least, my personal motto: it is never too late to become what you might have been.

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2021! Wear your masks, wash your hands, call your parents.

 

In leu of a song, I give you our wedding dance:

The post 2020 Year in Review appeared first on Christy Wulff.

Well, three names in three years will confuse anyone so here’s where we’re at folks:

2018: Christy Trujillo

2019: Christy Babich

2020: Christy Wulff

But that just shows you how quickly life can change. Lately, I’ve been enjoying the journey and trying to take life as it comes. Well, mostly I’ve been consumed with planning a wedding so WW3 could have broken out and I wouldn’t have known.

I can’t believe I’m having a wedding. But I am. In truth, my Ex’s mom and my mom completely ruined my first wedding for me. They fought and bickered the entire time until I was pretty much like – ‘okay, tell me when and where and I’ll be there.’ It was a miserable experience and then the day went by so fast I just felt like it wasn’t worth it. No one cried. My mom got pretty drunk. The first fight we had, my Ex threw away most of the pictures (this was before the wonderful world of social media so we just had good old-fashioned prints). The only highlight was dancing with my dad.

This time is different though. This time, people are helping me, not taking over. This time everything means something. The song I’m walking to, we wrote our own vows, he’s picking the song to play after we kiss, the song we’re dancing to…everything means something to me. My best friend is my maid of honor and has killed it. I appreciate her more than I can say. (See pic to the right of us at my bachelorette party, which is, in fact, the best picture we’ve ever taken.) Maybe because I’m just…happy. And happy girls are the prettiest.

I firmly believe there are lessons we must learn in every phase of our life and once you learn said lesson, you sort of graduate to the next phase. I think I’m moving into the ‘advanced studies’ phase. Still much to learn, but plenty of lessons under my belt. I would like to write again. For myself, not just for work. I had a hard time for a while sitting down to write and it being anything other than leftover, unsaid words to people who have either left this earth, my life or those I wish would leave my life. I’m more at peace now though, putting old ghosts to bed and whatnot. So maybe this time next year, you’ll be reading about the completion of my next novel. The question is, which one? I have no idea, but it sure will look good published under the name Christy Wulff and that I know for a fact.

The post Here We Go Again appeared first on Christy Wulff.

Well, no New Year’s post this year. I’m slacking. Life has been hectic, but in a good way. The end of the year was non-stop from October through the very end of the year. From baby showers to work trips to festivals  – ya girl has been busy. Two monumental changes. 1) I’m engaged and 2) after 15 years with the same company on the same team – I now work for someone else.

First, Yes. That’s right. This girl who was all ‘I’m never getting married again’ is engaged. All I can say is, never say never. We’re going on three years together and as most of you know, had a pretty rocky start. I’m not going to lie – it took us over a year to truly, 100% get it together. But he never gave up. At one point I asked him to fight for me and this man went to war! And when he did, when we started to really build that trust and our relationship, I knew this was it for me.

The ridiculously long story of our engagement basically boils down to me rushing things (as usual). We go to a festival every year (EDC) and our ‘song’ is by someone who plays at this festival.  At the end of day one this year, he said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t slip a ring on your finger during Slander’ and I said, ‘Me too, son!’ because I thought we were playing. And THEN he said, ‘But it’s at the house.’ You could have knocked me over with a feather. I truly had no idea he’d been working towards getting the ring or was even 100% on board with getting married. I wanted to go a day early or he would’ve had the ring with him. And he’d been kind of weird at the beginning of the trip, but never in a million years would I have thought it was because of that. Needless to say, we had a great night. When we got home the ring was indeed there and we got it sized and I asked him to wait and give it to me at a special time. A MONTH LATER (and after a barrage of bratty behavior from me) he finally got on his knee on a random Wednesday night and officially gave it to me. This man, this beautifully imperfect man, is the answer to every prayer I ever sent up to heaven. He is kind, thoughtful and so SO good at loving me, which to be fair, is not an easy task. I can’t even think about him without smiling. Nothing is perfect, but what we have is pretty damn close.

Just hanging with my fam.

Second, I have worked for MPS Group/Adecco for 15 years and fought to take over the healthcare brands, which they finally let me in 2014. On 12/31/19, Adecco sold the healthcare brands – and they took me with them. Y’all. I can’t express to you the emotions over this. Grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it. Like, I’m crying right now typing this. I am sad for the team I am leaving, 15 years is a long time to dedicate to a group, but I feel like I’ve been given this amazing gift to be with this company. An investment firm bought us and I hope they know they just made the best purchase of their lives because this company is full of people like me – who love it, believe in it and will do whatever it takes to make it successful. It’s a CRAZY ride, becoming your own company, and it will be going on for at least the next six months, but I’m so all in. They will never, ever regret bringing me – I put that on my Daddy’s life (and y’all know I don’t mess around with my Daddy’s life).

I still write, a lot for work and a little for me. Life has just been so crazy that I haven’t been listening to the voices in my head much and truthfully, they’ve gotten pretty quiet. I still have a story to tell, a few stories. But right now, I think I’m just going to focus on my own story – because for the first time in a long time, it’s getting pretty good!

One more thing – my fiance’ (gotta get used to saying that) had a song written for me for Christmas. I made a video with pics. I’ve included below for your viewing pleasure. Told you he knew how to love me.

It’s my first Mother’s Day without my mom. It’s pretty sad. I’m pretty sad. Like, don’t even really want to be reminded it’s Mother’s Day kind of sad. My son made me brownies (so many brownies! Lol) and got me a nice card, but I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. My Ex sent me a card and a gift card, which was really thoughtful. My boyfriend has been really nice, extra loving and snuggles. But the truth is, this kind of sad doesn’t go away. I heard once that grief is like a suitcase and you have to pick it up every day. At first it’s like this huge trunk you can barely lift and you’re dragging it all around running out of breath and thinking there’s no way you can make it. And as time goes on, the bag gets smaller and smaller until it’s like a fanny pack you hardly notice at all – but you still have to pick it up every day. I’d say mine is somewhere between a full-size suitcase and over-sized mom purse. Today, it’s the suitcase – one someone like my mom would have packed full of useless, needless shit when going on a week long trip because what if she needed the coral shoes?

Me and my mom on my 21st Bday

Honestly, in the end, my mom wasn’t even my mom anymore. There were flashes, but she wasn’t really there. And for a while before that she was just mean. Just awful. But now we know that is one of the beginning signs of the Alzheimer’s. If the cancer hadn’t taken her, I’m pretty sure that would have soon enough. No, I’m not going to her grave today. I don’t do that. She’s not there. If anything, I’d drive out to Bryceville to my granny and papa’s and sit down in one of their flowerbeds. If she’s wandering around down here, it would be somewhere like that.

But I hope she’s not.

I hope she’s giving this whole life thing another go. I hope she comes back to a middle-aged couple who’ve been trying forever to have a baby and then out of nowhere they are blessed with a baby girl and love the shit out of her. Love her and raise her with manners and kindness and she finds a man who loves her like my dad in the end the entire time they’re together. A man who she never has to look at and wonder if he loves her and a better daughter who never fights with her in the kitchen over a stupid boy because for the love of God, she deserves it. She really does.

The post Mother’s Day appeared first on Christy Babich.

Piece I wrote last year when my mom died. Thought I’d go ahead and share. It’s long, but worth the read.

Last night I had a very philosophical conversation with my boyfriend. It started innocent and simple, and turned into this profound idea that had been right in front of me with all the secrets to the universe in it…okay, that’s going a bit far. But it will forever change the way I look at the world around me. And it all started with one question.

What’s your favorite color?

Now I’m sure you’ve taken a test online, ‘what’s your color’ or been given some test at work and then assigned colors to be classified in. That’s fine. Those are all well and good. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about the first decision you ever get to make. The first question you will ever be asked that you will answer honestly only once before the onslaught of the world starts to influence your thoughts. What’s your favorite color? You will be asked when you’re two or three and what you say that very first time, is just an honest answer to a question. You haven’t had time to think about it, or mull over why or any of the overthinking that every second of this life calls for you to do. It’s just your three-year-old self. What’s your favorite color? Now. The REAL question is, can you still say the same color today?

I’m sure you’re wondering what kind of conversation could have brought this on. I will tell you as best I can remember as it’s now 10:00 the next day and I’ve honestly had little to no sleep. My mom passed away last week. Well, last week as I’m writing this. It was on 11/28/18 for the sake of whoever is reading this and whenever you are. I’d said I wanted to take a night and try and find some peace about it, meditate if you will, and my boyfriend who is honest-to-God up for anything, bless his heart, was right there with me. So, I was in the middle of telling him this story about my grandfather buying me this yellow and white furniture when I was kid and how yellow was just sort of always there so it became my favorite color. And, let me tell ya, in 1980something, doing anything out of the ordinary was met with confusion at best and flat out condemnation at worst. This included a child telling these kids who all said blue, green or red that yellow was her favorite color.

What? Yellow? Why?

Well, I didn’t know why – it just was. My boyfriend OF OVER A YEAR is just letting me talk and then sort of sits down and says, ‘Yellow was my favorite color too.’ I’m thinking he’s just being silly so I’m all, whatever and he says, “No – really – but I changed it. I changed my favorite color. I’ve never told anyone else that.”

WHAT? THAT’S NOT A THING! Is what I think. But then the truth of him and life and foundations and the weight of untold thanks just like, broke open in my mind. This man let life make him change his favorite color. Now, I love my boyfriend – but he’s been through some shit in his life and tends to shy away (cower in corner) from life when it gets hard. He doesn’t like to deal with things head on at all. He will do everything in his power, whether that is avoid someone or go out of his way to make sure they’re happy, to avoid confrontation. And I’m looking at him saying this to me, giving me his most truthful truth, and at first I start to think – yep, this is what’s wrong with you. You’re a pussy and you didn’t stand up to life and say, fuck you green – yellow is my favorite color and I don’t care what you say.

The truth about me is I tend to seem pretty judgey. And I’m really not. I’m just constantly trying to understand things and classify them so it helps if I can put you in a category. This comes off as judging – it’s not. It’s like a mental filing cabinet.

So, I’m sitting there filing him and then – it may as well have been a tap on the shoulder and actual whispers in my ear – I hear/think: well look at everything that happened to him. Think about him as a little boy, going from foster home to foster home and back to wherever he would end up and just trying to be small and invisible so someone would love him and let him stay. He would’ve done anything. And if yellow seemed like it might ruffle some feathers, he would’ve switched to blue or green in a heartbeat. And look at me. Look at someone who had a rock-solid foundation with the fear of failure removed from her life. It wasn’t that I was so much better because I didn’t let life change my color. It was, the people holding me were so strong that I didn’t for a second think, what if yellow is wrong and I shouldn’t say yellow. No. I thought, well I’m choosing yellow and I don’t care what you all think. And if it turned out that I’d been wrong for some reason, I knew I could say ‘Haha just kidding’ and lay back down on my strong foundation and quickly build myself up from it. Whereas someone like my boyfriend didn’t have anywhere to lay down and rebuild from.

So, here I am. With this life philosophy and parental revelation sitting on me and I’m not even sure what to do about it other than just to write it all down for you. To try and categorize my thoughts and feelings into some semblance of recognizable concept. It’s like he kept telling me, we’re all connected. It’s like this delicate game of dominoes eternity has been playing with all of us and everything knocks over everything else. Be good parents, and raise kids who never feel like they have to change their goddamn color, so they can grow up to be parents who love their kids enough to make sure they never…do you see the cycle here? But it has to start somewhere. Like, a cosmic ‘NOPE’ card (this card game my kid taught me has nope cards and when you have one you can ‘nope’ the move of the person who went before you). So think of this as a cosmic ‘NOPE’ card and the dominoes are reset right now. Right this second – for your lineage. Everyone who will ever be because of you is changed starting now. The second you decide to be that parent. The second you decide that your kid is worth keeping the same favorite color without having to compromise.

And think of how this world could be if we had a bunch of those kids running things. Not a bunch of scared little boys who bought into this whole ‘fake it until you make it’ bullshit, have everyone fooled and have no business running ANYTHING much less countries – think if we had a bunch of kids who’d grown up without the fear of failure, without the overwhelming need to conform, to comprise. And we’re so far past a favorite color right now. We’re at Row V Wade and equal rights and Martin Luther King saying fuck.this.shit. Saying, this needs to change and having the courage as a human being to stand up and make that change. Take it back to the most simple question and I guarantee that every single one of those people, every person who ever made a damn bit of difference, did not let life change their favorite color.

So, what about you?

What about your kids?

Makes you think. Doesn’t it?

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pinterest.com/NeartheTill/

I am genuinely looking forward to 2019. I don’t think I’ve said that about a year in a long time, not even last year. Especially not last year due to the timing of my ‘New Year’s’ post. But, this year is different. This year, I’ve put the hard things behind me. This year, everyone is healthy and my life is settled. This year, I can focus on moving forward instead of just trying like hell to stay afloat.

Some bad things happened in 2018, mainly just the one thing. Just the whole my mom dying thing – which, as it turns out – is a big thing. You’re so pretty. That’s the last thing my mom ever said to me. I had leaned down to kiss her while picking up my son.

“Love you, mom,” I said.

“Love you too, baby. You’re so pretty.”

I laughed and said, “Well, everyone says I look like you so…”

She smiled, and I left. The last words I said to my mom were, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And I did, but it was just her body as I sat with my dad and brother while we waited for them to come take her away to the funeral home. I’m not doing that well with it. And I thought I would – I thought I would be happy for her and just worry about my dad being sad. But nope, surprise – I’m pretty fucking devastated. Facebook was disabled over Christmas because I couldn’t deal with the whole memory thing. Yes, I know you turn that feature off – but I needed a break from social media for a bit anyway.

2018 wasn’t all bad, I suppose. Reading last year’s post, I’m happy to report that he did wait and chase and try and we have our ‘official’ one-year anniversary coming up. The anniversary of the night where we said, this is it. It’s us now. Not ‘him’ and not ‘her’ or ghosts from our past. Just us. The night he looked into my eyes and said he would never hurt me again. And he hasn’t. Truthfully, the one before him left a mess, so I’m sure it’s been hard on him. But he does everything I need him to. If I ask he tells me, if he thinks it’s going to upset me – he talks me through it. He even shares his location with me on our phones. Maybe one day I won’t need that kind of thing – but he says he has nothing to hide so it doesn’t bother him.

Now, I’m spewing all of this romance stuff – please don’t think we’re over here floating on pink clouds. We’re not. We have a lot of issues that we work at every day. But to be honest, they’re mostly brought on by outside influences and the societal knowledge of how things ‘should’ be.  My lovely sister-in-law recently pointed out to me, it’s not ‘supposed’ to be a certain way. It just works out or it doesn’t’…and we do. Speaking of my sister-in-law…ELLIE! Josh’s perfect, beautiful, sweet, I-could-die-every-time-I-hold-her, niece was born this year too. I feel a kinship with her because we’ve both sort of been around for the same time. They found out they were pregnant with her the day Josh introduced me to his family, which may seem silly – but I’m weird and weird shit means something to me.

I didn’t do that great at work this year. I mean, I was fine – but fine isn’t good enough. Not for them. I had a lot going on, but excuses are also not good enough, so all I can do is say that next year will be different. Next year, I’ll exceed expectations – and you can bet your ass I will. My personal writing, um, sporadic at best. I’m giving myself the goal to take the novels I have in progress and either focus on one, or delete them all, throw them all away, (over 100,000 words) and just start writing and see what happens. I suppose some people can write about whatever, but my life always, always sneaks in. And if my life is unsettled, my writing is too. I don’t mean sad – that usually makes for pretty good writing. I mean, unsettled. Unsure. That was 2018. Unsettled. Unsure. 2019 has no reason to be anything other than steady. Change? Yes, I’m sure change will come. But hopefully none in the soul of my life, which these days – is pretty full of hope and love.

Okay, and now for everyone’s favorite part! Advice from lessons learned in 2018:

Life is short. For real. Never take it for granted that you will see someone tomorrow, because you might just be sitting with leftover words and a sad heart.
Do what makes you happy (as long as you’re not physically hurting someone else). If people can’t deal with your happiness, they should probably stop looking.
Leave the past in the past. People are going to make mistakes. You have two choices. Ask them to leave your life or forgive them. If you choose the latter, leave that shit where it belongs and don’t let it mess with your life or your head. And if you have people who love to throw it in your face, well, that’s their sin to answer for. Not yours.

And my personal favorite and overall life motto:

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Happy 2019 to everyone reading this. Thank you for the role you played in my life in 2018, even if it was just to make me stronger. May life’s current carry you to the next phase in your journey and Karma be there to make sure it’s exactly what you deserve.

 

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I’ve never really dealt with loss. I mean, I’ve had the loss of houses and marriages, but never real loss. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. At the time, I thought I was losing a lot with those things, but they’re just things. Turns out nothing compares to the loss you feel when someone dies. Or, in my case, is about to die. How awful is that? Looking at someone and knowing they are about to die? It’s pretty fucking awful. I’ve posted before, about my mom. Well, we thought she was better but she’s not. I’ve been sitting with this for about a month now.

Your mom’s going to die. Any day now. Any day now. Any day now.

My boyfriend’s dad passed away last year in a sudden and horrific way. It was bad. He wasn’t right for a month or two after, did all sorts of crazy things including possibly cheating on me. But grief is a strange thing and affects people differently. I’m starting to do crazy things and not care about things and let the weight of ‘any day now, any day now’ push me down flat on the ground. But life has to go on and people don’t have a reason to act crazy when someone is still alive. It’s only after that you’re given an allowance to freak out. I think it would be better for it to be sudden. Better than waking up every day to ‘any day now, any day now.’

Tammy Babich

Tears creep up on me at weird times. My mind works in an odd, non-linear way to begin with so thoughts randomly find their way into the forefront of my mind and bring me to my knees. Like, just now when I thought back to a moment before things got really bad with my mom’s mind – a few months after my husband and I separated. She was in and out even then, sort of with us, then not with us. I was telling her about the amazing guy I’d just met, and her eyes caught mine and focused, you know, really focused like when someone is listening to every word you say. She started to cry and asked me if I was happy and I said yes and she shook her head and turned back to the TV, then sort of went away again. That was probably the last conversation I had with her that made any kind of sense. Then last Christmas she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and things have gone downhill from there. Now the home hospice nurse comes to help my dad and he says things like ‘we’re just taking it one day at a time right now, we can’t make any plans’ and ‘I think your mom is worse than we think.’

My mom’s favorite Christmas move is White Christmas and she always said she wanted one. If she makes it, we’re going to have Christmas at my house and my son and I are going to decorate like a winter wonderland – fake snow and all. My dad doesn’t know if she’ll last that long, so it will probably be more of a blue Christmas than a white one. The home hospice chaplain convinced him to tell some of the rest of the family, which he did today and now comes the outpouring of love – that will probably just be kind of a burden right now because people will want to come see her and neither of them are in any kind of shape for that. He made me promise to keep everything off Facebook, but a writer gotta write and no one reads this blog anyway. Like I said, maybe sudden is better? But either way it sucks. It just plain sucks. So, I guess, if you love someone – maybe tell them. Like, right now. Pick up the phone and send a text, make a call, make a post, send an email – whatever. Life’s too short not to.

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It’s been a year. A year since my marriage ended. There were a few months of back-and-forth, of course. It’s not easy to separate lives that have been intertwined for 17 years. But in the end, it was a mutual decision. My divorce will be final on 7/26. I’m not sad, but it does seem a little sad. It’s almost like I’m this third party looking in at the situation like, ‘Oh – that’s sad that they don’t speak anymore and the kid doesn’t really want anything to do with his dad and he just disappeared from their lives.’ But I feel little to no emotion when I think about it. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe, on the way home from the court house next week I’ll have some catastrophic breakdown and have to pull my car over because I can’t see through the tears. Maybe.

7/26/18

Overall though, the 365 days from then until now have been some of the best of my life. My job is the best it’s ever been. There are some days where I genuinely feel guilty about taking their money…please note I said some days. My step-daughter moved in with me and has been a godsend, helping me with bills and being a support system for my son (her brother) while we went through this. I’m working on a new book that is in fact the best thing I’ve ever written because it’s essentially about a woman who leaves her husband and finds herself. Clearly, I have a lot of material for this one. I am in a relationship that continues to grow and strengthen as we learn more about each other every day. Truthfully, I’m impatient and pushed it along faster than I should have. We were already living together when most people would have just been getting to the ‘let’s meet each other’s friends’ stage. The first three months don’t even count in my book. They were a mess. A MESS. But we managed to get it together around the first of the year, and now nothing could get between us. It’s a good feeling to know someone has your back. A good feeling to know you’re included in every aspect of their life. I’d forgotten. Along with him, came a brand-new set of friends/family that I am truly blessed to have met. Just good people. Just good, real people who made me feel like I belonged with them. I love them as much as I love him.

Life has a funny way of putting your stubborn ass right where it needs to be. You may think things are so wrong, things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be…but they don’t call them growing pains for nothing. Trust in your journey and don’t fuck with people who aren’t interested in walking along with you. If people want to leave your life, let them. Don’t chase. Don’t beg. Just let them go. You’re just clearing space for a blue-eyed boy who will love you with everything he has. Or..that could just be me. Maybe yours will have green eyes.

You might notice a small change around here. Just a small one. I’m going back to my maiden name and have been strategically changing things as I go. I’ve been Christy Trujillo since 11/3/01 and I must say, it was a tough decision to go back to Babich. Especially because I have six books published under my married name. Truthfully, they’re not that good so… at least there’s that. I did speak with someone once who told me my real literally success would come in my 40s. The book I’m working on now could be that book. I’m writing it under my new Pen Name (Christina Wulff) but who knows how that will all shake out. Also, I now have a different name than my son, which is odd. People have kids with people they’re not married to all the time these days, but I’m old-school Southern so that’s not a thing for me. Most everyone I know, knows me as Christy Trujillo, or CT, which is what most folks call me. I have a serious identity there. It’s MY name.

But the truth is, it’s not my name. It’s his name. His name that he gave me and not mine to keep. We’re not that bitter couple, there’s no resentment there, but still. It’s not who I am anymore – Mrs. Trujillo. And I certainly don’t want to be Ms. Trujillo, that’s just sad. Especially because he may very well give that name to someone else and then she will be Mrs. Trujillo.

So, Christy Babich it is. Hi. Nice to meet you.

 

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