Mika Brzezinski's Blog

There is no one, clear path for women to "success." There is no map, no obvious way forward because the definition of success is going to be different to each individual person. What is most important as a woman, a mother, an employee, is to figure out what you personally need to be happy and complete. It is not enough to build up everyone around you in order to create your own happiness. That will work on a superficial level, but in order to make sure that you are fulfilled you will need to dig in deep and do your own soul searching. I decided to write "Grow Your Value: Living and Working to Your Full Potential" not only as a tool for other women to avoid many of the potholes that I hit along the way, but also as a way to reflect on my own journey and grow from it. Warts and all. Because once you know your value, it is time to grow it... in all aspects of your life.



I knew I needed to write this book while moderating a panel at the White House Working Families Summit with feminist leader Gloria Steinem, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, BET CEO Debra Lee, and former president of the Rockefeller Foundation Dr. Judith Rodin. These incredibly accomplished women completely turned off on me when I asked one particularly awkward question: Have they experienced any personal strain because of all of their career successes?



There was silence. Crickets. No one even wanted to touch that question. I realized, in that moment, just how scared we are of this conversation. Sometimes we don't want to talk about the real struggles, because that's exactly what they are... real. In an effort to become a more authentic version of myself, I knew I needed to "go there." From my children, to my marriage, to my career, I put it all on the table and dissected it. And shockingly, I feel like all the relationships in my life have improved as a result. It wasn't always easy to talk about, and I am sure that with this book I am just scratching the surface, but I am better for it and I think that my co-workers and family would share that sentiment.



You cannot possibly have it all if your professional and inner values are not closely allied and aligned. If you do not know your inner value, how can you command it from others? Additionally, if you lose sight of your inner value while developing your professional brand, it is impossible to truly enjoy your own accomplishments. You need and deserve a support system around you to celebrate your triumphs and lift you up when you are overwhelmed or lonely. But if you are determined to only show people the glossy picture and not the real woman underneath, how can you expect them to be there for you on a real, emotional level? Sometimes with success, comes almost a separation between you and the people closest to you and you feel all chopped up. That's certainly how I felt in my household as my notoriety escalated.



We need to start talking about the issues that women face in a way that allows us to be vulnerable, raw, and real. What is it like to make more money than your husband? How do we connect with our children when everyone is moving at warp speed? What can we say to millenials, entrepreneurs, or anyone looking to change their path? In "Grow Your Value" I was in awe of the "successful" powerful women who shared those bruises with me, and ultimately, you. From Pepsi's Indra Nooyi telling women to "leave their crown in the garage" to Dr. Judtih Rodin and Senator Claire McCaskill discussing some of the reasons their first marriages were unsuccessful, I saw that we all pay a price for success. I realized just how often we let our core suffer when we blindly stumble forward and tell everyone that everything is okay when it is not. While you can always step back, rebrand, and correct your path, you have to start by having an open conversation with yourself.



I am still a work in progress, but I am learning in real time to grow my value. And I hope you will too.



More information about "Grow Your Value" can be found at www.msnbc.com/growyourvalue

We need to start talking about the issues that women face in a way that allows us to be vulnerable, raw, and real. What is it like to make more money than your husband? How do we connect with our children when everyone is moving at warp speed? What can we say to millenials, entrepreneurs, or anyone looking to change their path?

If you missed it, our kickoff Know Your Value event in Philadelphia, PA was a huge success! These women are givers -- and so we're going to give them the opportunity to grow their sense of personal and professional value. I can't wait to see what the next Know Your Value event in Washington, D.C. has in store.

The "Grow Your Value" bonus competition drives home the message that it is important for women to both learn their value and communicate it effectively.

I'm sure most of us can't imagine being uprooted from our homes and forced to flee with only the clothes on our backs. But that's what millions of people face each day. As Syria enters its 5th year of conflict, 3.9 million people have fled Syria to neighboring countries.

Have you ever tried to unplug? Try attempting it, as I did, while on a family vacation, with your entire extended family there, when you are the main organizer of that vacation. Try unplugging when your two teenaged girls are addicted to their phones. Try unplugging when, for the last decade, you have eaten, slept, showered and exercised with your iPhone in hand. (You know, they make a great waterproof case these days....)



"Obsessed" is not the word. "Addicted" doesn't sum it up either. "Tethered"? "On permanent phone-IV"? "Permanently attached"? Closer.



I knew it was bad. I have known it for a while. I just didn't want to believe I was one of "those women." But I am. I am worse.



I'll confess to one of my worst moments and leave it there:



At some point in the past few years, Joe and I just might have left MSNBC, and our agent, Ari Emanuel, was handling the complicated back-and-forth. The negotiations were tough and dramatic. (I am so happy that we still are at MSNBC, but that's a different blog.)



I was on vacation in Paris with my family. It was a long-awaited, much-needed vacation, much-needed family time. Yet the negotiations were so intense, and it was all playing out right there on my phone!



I was with my husband Jim and my daughters, Carlie and Emilie, at Good Friday services at the oldest cathedral in Paris, Saint-Germain-des-Prés. The cathedral was just stunning, all stone, with huge pillars and the most incredible music echoing through the chambers. My older daughter Emilie and I pulled each other close. It was a magical moment -- until something started buzzing between us. Literally buzzing.



Emilie and I looked down toward the thing sticking out of my pocket that was buzzing so viciously. Yes, it was my iPhone. And the way it was propped in my pocket and vibrating, you could actually see the name of the aggressor calling persistently (it rang like 20 times): "Ari."



Emilie and I saw the name, and then we looked at each other. Her eyes said it all: "Really, you're going to answer that?!"



No. No, I would not. Absolutely not. Never. Not in the oldest cathedral in Paris. Sacrebleu! Totally sacrilegious. Who would do that? Good God, that's sick.



I said all that to myself and stuffed the phone back into my pockets. It buzzed more. I started to fidget, shifting. Emilie and I were no longer hugging. More like shifting around, looking away.



Then I caught myself in the act.



Instead of looking at the incredible moment with my daughter in Paris, I found myself looking at the columns inside the church, and not for their architecture or their fantastic size but to choose which one I could hide behind to answer my phone!



Yes. I actually did that. I went there.



When we walked out of the church, I pulled the buzzing, beady-eyed Apple device out of my pocket. I was sweating. I looked stressed.



"Answer it," my husband said in disgust. "Just answer it."



I did. We walked through the busy street, two kids and a husband, me with my phone to my ear and my other finger closing my other ear so that I could hear the latest.



And what was so important?



Ari had nothing new. He was just calling to tell me he was on it, and that Joe was handling it all so masterfully. What?



So that whole moment had been ruined -- to hear that? I knew I needed an intervention.



It wasn't until the past few months that it finally happened. I finally was ready to try it, to try to PUT. IT. DOWN. Arianna put me to the challenge, and this time I was really ready --- or so I thought.



We went on a family vacation to Saint Lucia. I planned to put the phone down entirely and embrace the Third Metric. It would be a great experience in light of our conferences, planned for this spring (New York on April 25, D.C. on May 2, and L.A. on May 9), where we are redefining what it means to be successful, beyond money and power, instead placing value on our well-being, our wisdom and our ability to make a difference in the world.



But it was much harder than I ever expected. As the vacation organizer, there were times I had to use the phone. When I did, I had trouble putting it down. My instinct was to scroll through Twitter, check my email and look for new texts.



I had to stop myself. But when I put the phone down, I felt weird, incomplete, like I wasn't wearing a bra or something. At times during the beginning of the vacation, I actually held the phone even though it was off. It was like weaning: The turned-off phone was my binky.



I won't bore you with all the details, but I did improve, and I got so much out of unplugging. Complete conversations with my dad and mom. A fun swim with my niece. Running with Carlie. Running with Jim and Carlie. Walking with Emilie. Connecting. I even watched the sun go down without stopping to check my binky.



By the end of the vacation, my binky had lost its charge, and I remember not knowing where my charging plug was. Instead of mass hysteria followed by ransacking the room, I shrugged and thought, "Oh, well. I'll get one back in NYC."



I highly recommend unplugging! For your health. For your relationships. For your life!



Thank you, Arianna. Here's to the Third Metric!

When I put the phone down, I felt weird, incomplete, like I wasn't wearing a bra or something. At times during the beginning of the vacation, I actually held the phone even though it was off. It was like weaning: The turned-off phone was my binky.

I remember four years ago, I was asked to fill in at the very last minute to host at an event full of cosmetics CEOs (Leeza Gibbons had cancelled). One powerful guest -- a woman high up in the world of "beauty" -- was surprised to see me. She hadn't heard about the last-minute changes.



"Ah well," she shrugged, "you'll do fine for us as a fill-in, because you are what we call 'somewhat aspirational.'"



That's stuck with me for a long time.



Somewhat aspirational. I loved it. Didn't know what it meant. But I found it to be hilarious and cuttingly honest, which I admire. I considered getting a T-shirt with the words typed out across my chest. I wondered at the time what it was that made me "somewhat aspirational."



Maybe it was that I had written a great deal about the challenges professional women face, both at home and at work -- and revealed my own failures along the way (including a sleep-deprived tumble down a flight of stairs that left my 4-month-old in a cast) -- perhaps that made me more approachable.



Or could it be simply that I was at the end of a 16-hour day and had swooped in to bail out Leeza. Maybe my vulnerability was raw and apparent. Maybe it was that. Since then, I have dug deeper and defined the label myself.



I was only "somewhat aspirational" because, while I had accomplished so much, I had yet to begin to crack the code on the Third Metric. I'm talking about questions many women are left with when they achieve financial security, gain power or success -- or all three at once. Here are the questions. Think about them for yourself:



What about me?

When do I sleep?

Am I happy?

Am I mentally healthy?

Am I physically healthy?

Am I giving back?

Am I remembering where I came from?

What about my friendships?



My answers to those questions were "maybe" or "no" or "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT!" I now more than "somewhat" aspire to figure out the Third Metric. I have to. I have two daughters, and I truly believe we can do better.



Arianna Huffington and I have set out to find it, with the help of some incredible women, and a few good men, too.



A few years ago, I noticed Arianna on the set of Morning Joe, and she looked especially rested for six in the morning. She told me she had slept seven hours, even though she had to get up at 4 a.m. for the show. How was that possible?



"I make sleep a priority," she told me. In fact, "I think every woman should sleep her way to the top." She actually means sleep. And with that, she started to worry about me, offering advice and opportunity.



Arianna is a modern-day, hot, fairy Godmother. She shares her success with other women, expecting nothing in return but the joy of being able to do so. Together as friends, we have addressed sleep deprivation, overmedicating, food issues, marriage, relationships, parenting, exhaustion, and every other challenge that successful, but overstressed working women face every day. We came up with the idea for the conference at a hastily put together breakfast in Washington, D.C., during the inauguration, after weeks of having to reschedule in our home base of New York City.



We were having a tough, deeply personal conversation about life, relationships and our many work projects. Arianna confronted me about my ability to take care of myself while balancing so many different challenges and opportunities. I had few answers, if any. Mostly, I stuttered and hemmed and hawed -- a sign that trouble was on the horizon for me if I didn't learn fast.



So what did we do? We made a plan -- a plan based on our friendship and hope to help others -- to solve this terrible riddle together. Out of that conversation at breakfast, "Redefining Success, the Third Metric" was born. The goal: to share success with others, but to also share secrets of success, especially secrets behind achieving the Third Metric. I will be moderating panels all day next Thursday and can't wait to see what we all learn.



Mika Brzezinski is co-host of MSNBC's Morning Joe, a columnist for Cosmopolitan and a three-time best-selling author, most recently of Obsessed: America's Food Addiction -- and My Own.





This post is part of a series produced by The Huffington Post in conjunction with our women's conference, "The Third Metric: Redefining Success Beyond Money & Power" which will take place in New York on June 6, 2013. To read all of the posts in the series and learn more about the conference, click here.



This story appears in the Issue 51 of our weekly iPad magazine, Huffington, in the iTunes App store, available Friday, May 31.

Somewhat aspirational. I loved it. Didn't know what it meant. But I found it to be hilarious and cuttingly honest, which I admire. I considered getting a T-shirt with the words typed out across my chest.

Somewhat aspirational. I loved it. Didn't know what it meant. But I found it to be hilarious and cuttingly honest, which I admire. I considered getting a T-shirt with the words typed out across my chest.