Gary L. Thomas's Blog

I’m continuing to work on and refine the material in my book-in-progress, When Christian Parents Hurt. What keeps coming up in my study and interviews is the issue of guilt. This is a tricky issue to address, as, in one sense, all of us were “guilty” as parents—none of us parented perfectly. And in a healthy way, we need to come to grips, spiritually speaking (as well as with our children) with legitimate guilt from legitimate shortcomings. But Scripture and the Christian classics stop well short of drawing a direct connection between an adult child’s rebellion and the parent’s parenting. So, how to be open to where we went wrong, without also taking on more guilt than is warranted? That’s the question, isn’t it?

This section will be part of a chapter that we posted last week. If faithless parents can produce faithful children, what does that say about faithful parents who produce faithless children?

Faithless Parents and Faithful Kids

Like I said, it’s tricky, so I’m welcoming any and all feedback as we try to get this right. The numbers of parents who are hurting over this is over-the-top. I’ve got people pleading with me to get this book out as soon as possible. If you know someone who could benefit, please let them know they can become a paid subscriber and read the other chapters in progress. And, as always, if someone is in financial need and can’t afford the subscription, they can email us and we’ll set them up with a complimentary one.

God warns Jeremiah that his faith will lead to family fissure: “Your relatives, members of your own family— even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you. Do not trust them” (Jeremiah 12:6). Jeremiah isn’t told to search his heart; he’s told to stiffen his backbone. His family’s opposition is the price he will pay for being faithful to God.

This seems to be emphasized even more by the teachings of Jesus, who teaches that unfaithful ones will turn on faithful members:

“Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved” (Mark 13:12-13).

This doesn’t call into question what the brothers, parents, or children did wrong, but instead admits the faithful are being wronged because of their love for Jesus, not because they were bad parents.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

The post When a Child Goes Astray, Who’s to Blame? appeared first on Gary Thomas.

To spiritually prosper, we must value what God values, in the order and priority with which God values it. One of the areas in which our culture disagrees with God as much as anything is the value of wisdom. Proverbs says that wisdom is worth more than gold or silver (3:13-15), but how many believers today spend more time thinking about becoming wiser than they do their retirement number?

Yet if we want to prosper and thrive in Christ, we have to stop conforming to the pattern of this age (which values money over wisdom), but be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).

I want to spend a few weeks excerpting from The Life You Were Reborn to Live. This is from the last chapter, and since it’s the last, I haven’t had any podcasters ask me about it or bring it up much, but I believe it is crucial.

I wanted to qualify for the Boston marathon about as much as I have ever wanted to do anything in my life. When I hit my mid-forties, I figured it was time, so I lost weight; I ran speed workouts. I ran long distances, which in the Pacific Northwest sometimes meant running two hours in non-stop rain. I failed to run a fast enough qualifier in my first three attempts but finally got to the place in my fitness where I thought, I should be able to do this.

During my fourth marathon I hit mile twenty-five with sixteen minutes to spare. Sixteen minutes to run one mile (I had been averaging 7:45 miles) and I was in! I started to get dizzy—really dizzy—and non-stop pleaded with God, “Please don’t let me pass out. I’m almost there!”

I crossed the line in 3:22—8 minutes to spare—and saw my name listed on the finisher’s sheet with the coveted “BQ” (Boston Qualifier) listed next to it.

And then the race director shattered our hearts when he said, “I guarantee you that the course is 26.2 miles, but we had to make some last-minute changes to the course to accommodate road improvements. While I am one-hundred percent confident of the course’s length, we didn’t have time to get a proper legal verification, so our marathon can’t be used as a Boston qualifier this year.”

I had done the work. I had suffered the pain. I had run the race. But it was all for naught because I ran the wrong course. Fortunately, I repeated the effort in the Seattle marathon a few months later and qualified that way, but what if I hadn’t? I invested so much effort and time and endured a lot of pain, but if you don’t run a verified course, none of that matters to the Boston officials.

What life goals have you given much effort, energy and attention to? A certain kind of family? A certain academic or vocational achievement? What if, at the end of your life, you find out that you ran the “wrong” race? You neglected to run the course that counted, that really mattered?

Continue reading this free blog on Substack HERE.

The post Are You Running the Wrong Race? appeared first on Gary Thomas.

In my book in progress, “When Christian Parents Hurt,” I spend considerable time dealing with natural parental guilt. This section adds a twist: if we’re going to blame parents 100% for their adult children’s choices, what do we do with parents who tried to demolish their children’s faith only to see their children grow up to be active worshippers and servants of the true God?

Next, we’ll take a look at Paul’s “terrible triumvirate,” the three forces going to war against our adult children’s faith. I’ve already posted part of this chapter; this is an extension, and there will be an additional one added next week. I’d appreciate any and all feedback as we address these painful but important issues.

My wife and I just love Jacob and Rachel. They are a fun couple, earnestly following God. Jacob works at a megachurch; Rachel teaches at the school. They have an adorable daughter. We bought our granddaughter’s favorite toy for their baby, a moose with jangly parts, which they named “Gary.” With a name like Gary, I’ll never have a child named after me, but I’ll take a stuffed moose!

Jacob’s dad ridiculed his faith. Jacob admits that one of the reasons he kept his faith through college was to prove his dad wrong, who told him it would wilt when he “grew up a little.” Jacob loves God, loves his family, has a great, theologically informed mind, is an excellent teacher with a passionate pastoral heart—and yet was raised by a man who tried to take away his faith rather than foster it.

Rick and Randy Bezet are brothers and pastors of two of the largest churches in America (numbers 48 and 64, respectively, in the 2022 issue of Outreach Magazine). While they grew up going to church, they say, “Our dad was running pretty aggressively away from God,” and later got a divorce. They did have a solid, earnestly prayerful grandmother, but the home they were raised in didn’t model faithfulness in either marriage or ministry—and yet they are godly men and faithful shepherds.

Again, how does this work? Why do two parents, passionately encouraging faith and training their children up in the faith, watch in frustration as their kids walk away, while a man who ridicules his son’s faith watches in frustration as his son embraces the faith? And then another man who can’t be faithful to his wife launches two sons into powerful church ministries?

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

The post Faithless Parents and Faithful Kids appeared first on Gary Thomas.

What causes you to feel distant from God? In The Life You Were Reborn to Live, Pastor Gary Thomas reveals twelve powerful lies that keep us disconnected – inviting us to exchange those falsehoods for the rich relationship God designed us to enjoy.

Watch this discussion on Substack HERE.

The post Rediscovering God’s Love, Joy, and Peace appeared first on Gary Thomas.

In my work-in-progress on living with divine affirmation, I want to address how the “good-enough-for-God” life impacts our desire to have others follow us and how we treat those we follow. If you didn’t read part 1 last week, I’d recommend you read it first HERE. Nate Larkin helped shape my thoughts on this matter, and I’d be interested to know whether you agree with his thoughts in this post.

Nate Larkin believes that assuming the role of a “father figure” at his church set him up for all kinds of spiritual rot, including sexual addiction. Trying to live up to the demands of being a spiritual father buried him and sent his soul crashing toward a momentary “escape” that became an imprisoning cesspool. The cascading numbers of “fallen” Christian celebrities should at least lead us to ask, what if it’s not spiritually healthy to have that kind of authority and following? What if the very thing these men and women seek and wear themselves out to attain is what ruins them?

Nate’s sexual addiction brought humiliation, but the humiliation proved to be the gateway to spiritual health. Freed from the shackles of maintaining a father figure others should emulate, Nate could focus on integrity, authenticity, and substance. “The most powerful proof of God’s existence was the transformation that was taking place in my character. As I identified my defects and surrendered them to God, I could feel myself becoming progressively less self-centered, less defensive, less resentful and afraid. I was becoming more honest, more loving, more fully present in my own life and the lives of others.”[i]

He was, in God’s eyes, much more mature and solid as a recovering addict than he had ever been as a seemingly pristine senior pastor. His depth and maturity soon attracted numerous men who pined for Nate’s time. Nate initially thought that sharing his sexual addiction would crater his ministry, but now it was spawning a new one, in fact an even bigger one. But this, too, threatened to undo him. Nate had all the struggling guys talk to him, but he wasn’t encouraging them to talk to each other. Why? “I didn’t encourage guys to call each other because I believed that I was the one with the answers. I was the daddy. And now it seemed that I was willing to compromise my own authenticity in order to protect the prestige of my position.”[ii]

Even after once having been set up for ruin by trying to become “father,” Nate was tempted to go back to that very same pursuit. Humility slides off us like rain runs down a freshly waxed car. The very moment we stop defining ourselves in relation to God and start defining ourselves in relation to others is the moment we leave the good-enough-for-God life.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

The post Call No Man Father, Part 2 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

At Cherry Hills Community Church, Pastor Gary Thomas shared from his new book The Life You Were Reborn to Live. Pastor Gary invited listeners to rediscover the purpose of spiritual rebirth — not simply to be saved, but to live transformed lives that advance God’s kingdom. With warmth and conviction, Pastor Gary encouraged the congregation to stay faithful in seasons of hardship and to see every calling as an opportunity to serve Christ. The message challenged believers to let go of self-centered faith and embrace the joy of a life fully surrendered to God’s purposes. It was a heartfelt reminder that in Christ, we are reborn not just to believe, but to truly live the life we were created for.

Watch this sermon on Substack HERE.

The post The Life You Were Reborn to Live appeared first on Gary Thomas.

In my work-in-progress on living with divine affirmation, I want to address how the “good-enough-for-God” life impacts our desire to have others follow us and how we treat and look at those we follow. Nate Larkin helped shape my thoughts on this matter, but we won’t get to his quotes until next week.

“Make known his deeds among the peoples; make them remember that his name is exalted.”

Isaiah 12:4

If there’s one thing the church doesn’t do well, it’s humility. At various times in church history, Christian worship defined “pomp and circumstance.” Church based worship of Christ involved awe-inspiring cathedrals, ostentatious costumes, and elaborate rituals with utensils that cost more than many people’s houses. I’m not suggesting cathedrals were wrong, just that no one would call such places “humble abodes.”

The humility the good enough for God life calls us to is more about individual posture and position. Walking into a four-century-old cathedral can humble me and remind me of God’s power and presence. Getting a new title or promotion? Not so much. It makes me feel good about…myself.

I was invited to attend an ordination meeting at a large church, and one of the prospective pastors presented a paper on church government. The young man kept saying, “the Bible’s view of leadership is this,” or “the Bible presents government like that,” until I raised my hand and asked, “Where in the Bible do you see a senior pastor?”

Read this blog on Substack HERE.

The post Call No Man Father, Part 1 appeared first on Gary Thomas.

I’ve witnessed the fruit of when a “self-centered salvation” is preached, and it’s a growing problem. When we suggest that salvation is just about getting into heaven, we pave the way for any number of misconceptions about true faith. This is a very short video (7 minutes), but I’d love to get a good discussion going in the comments. Do you see what I’m seeing? How would you respond?

Watch this free video on Substack HERE.

The post Self-Centered Salvation: One of the Great Lies of Today’s Church appeared first on Gary Thomas.

In my book in progress, “When Christian Parents Hurt,” I spend ninety percent of my time trying to pastorally care for parents whose hearts are broken over losing their children, being alienated from their children, or mistreated by their children. That’s why I’m writing the book. But in this one chapter, I want to help parents to have empathy for how difficult it is for our adult children these days, and our need, as their parents, to dial back on our expectations and obliterate our demands.

Parents, it’s our job to outgrow our need for our children’s thanks, attention, and even company. In this day, anything we receive is a blessing. Turning ideal desires into a demand is a great way to make loving you a guilty burden, and who wants to receive that?

Remember, God, Jesus and Paul all said the same thing: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). That’s a command to the young couple and it’s a command to the parents to let the young man and woman go. God wants our children to leave. Physically and emotionally, they are to build a new priority that no longer centers around our desires, hurts, or needs. If I demand they put me first (or even a close second), I’m overturning God’s natural order and tempting them toward disobedience.

Your adult child has a finite amount of emotional energy. We all do. President John F. Kennedy famously said, “Show me a man who is good at golf and I’ll show you a man who is ignoring something.” When your child gets married, they should invest more emotional energy in their relationship with their spouse than they do with you. And then, every time they add a child, that child must become more important to them than you. Our job as parents is to make that transition easier for them, removing all guilt and instead affirming their need to focus on being a good spouse and parent.

So many wedding sermons focus on the new husband and wife “leaving” their parents, but wise pastors tell the couple’s parents that “leaving” is a dual proposition: the parents should make their child’s shift of allegiance and priority as painless and affirming as possible.

This hurts—but it’s part of life. I know physically giving birth hurts tremendously because I saw my wife go through it three times. But that’s what it takes to become a parent and launch your child into the world. Hurting over their relational separation is another kind of pain, but essential to what it means to parent an adult child.

Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.

The post We Need to Outgrow Our Need for Our Children appeared first on Gary Thomas.

If little things are making you frustrated and angry… If not so little things are seriously robbing your joy in life… you just might be holding on to a lie that needs to be exposed. 

Most every Christian worker in the West should realize how much better we have it than the vast majority of those who have gone before us. If not, we’re robbing ourselves of so much joy, and God of so much worship.

I taped a couple of shows recently at Focus on the Family on The Life You Were Reborn to Live: Dismantling 12 Lies that Rob Our Intimacy with God. I stayed in the same hotel I’ve been to probably a dozen times, but for whatever reason, the morning of the interview, the shower temperature was either scalding hot or ice cold. Even so, I realized, if this was the worst shower of my life, it was better than any shower the apostle Paul ever got to enjoy during his missionary trips. And I felt spoiled by God.

Frank Viola published a wonderful book this year, The Untold Story, that puts the New Testament in narrative form. When you read what the early church workers endured, and how simply and even sacrificially they lived, it’s nearly impossible to feel entitled. When Paul wrote, “If we have food and clothing, we will be content with that,” (1 Timothy 6:8), he was writing from experience. Having spent nights floating in the sea, he had learned to make do with even less than that.

Continue reading this free blog over on Substack HERE.

The post My Worst Shower Would Have Been Paul’s Best appeared first on Gary Thomas.