Rachel Hamilton's Blog

5th of January 2014 we as a family flew to Australia to start a new life in Sydney. 5th January 2022 I flew back to New Zealand alone to start a new life in Wellington. Both journeys meant taking big steps into the unknown.

Like most people I don’t like being outside my comfort zone but for the last 15 years of my life, all my decisions have been based on how to push myself to become a braver, stronger more capable person.

At times it hasn’t been easy, personal development never is, many people don’t understand and that’s ok. But seeing the growth in myself is something I value much higher then money or a solid career. When I moved to Australia 10 years ago I was struggling with my health and didn’t know what direction to take in life. 8 years there set me on the course of where I wanted to be. I got jobs and was able to save money to fund my trips to Africa to live my childhood dreams of volunteering.

I came to terms with my physical limitations and learnt to how to say no in healthy ways. I found my voice and became more confident. Australia taught me to love myself and form a health relationship with myself.

End of 2021 I knew my time in Australia was coming to an end. For the next stage in my development I needed to return back to the country of my roots. 2022 passed in a blur, the challenge of setting life up from scratch completely alone was a shock to the system. I learnt kiwi life again. It was hard but exciting to be back.

2023 was a challenging year for me, the numbness and novelty had gone and in its place was the feeling of this is my new reality. I moved house twice, struggled with the loss of a close friend and my grandad and seeing my loved ones suffering. The lows were low but there were some wonderful highs, my physical health greatly improved and I was told I was in remission, I visited the South Island for the first time, had the perfect holiday in the USA, reconnected with old friends and family and forged some beautiful friendships.

As we begin 2024 and I look back at the years that have passed I see how my life is a beautiful patchwork of amazing experiences and though my life may seem unconventional to many, I am living the life I dream. Growth is messy, painful, confusing at times but it’s also so empowering and exciting. I’m so thankful for this journey called life.

Maybe kindness and understanding changes lives more then aggression and anger ever could. Could real strength be being soft in a world that trys to make you hard and bitter. Is unconditional love the medicine this broken world is in need of?

Everyone around us is carrying unseen heavy loads, no one escapes sorrow and pain. Sometimes the ones with the biggest smiles hold the deepest hurts.

But in darkness love always shines the brightest. Kindness becomes a light house for the suffering soul. To feel understood in your pain is one of the greatest gifts of all.

The world often views kindness as weakness, but I believe it is the key, if we want to see lives changed, hearts healed and hope restored. Maybe if we become radically kind, it could start a chain reaction.

What if bravery is digging deep into pain and allowing yourself to feel it. What if bravery means letting the tears fall as the tension you are holding deep inside is released

What if strength is falling apart in that safe space so you can get up again and face the world. What if strength is saying the words out loud “I’m struggling.”

What if hope is that gentle hand on your back letting you know you are seen in your suffering. What if hope is the life giving words “Your feelings are valid, it’s ok to feel that way

What if one day you will be ok again.

How do you express deep gratitude for those who have walked with you in your darkest hours. Those who have help your hand when you feel so weak. How do you thank someone who holds you tight when you are crumbling inside. Whose love and support gives you the strength to do the hard painful things because you don’t feel alone.

Those who cut the tension and make you smile and laugh in moments when you need a break from the sorrow and tears. How do you let someone know how much just checking in on you to see how you are going and making you remember life goes on means so much to you.

Pure sweet unconditional kindness that is medicine to the soul. Kindness that touches you deeply. Kindness that is God’s gentle healing touch.

Thank you, thank you to those who have walked and continued to walk beside me as I navigate loss and grief. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being God’s gift to me.

19 months since I said goodbye to the life I had spent 8 years creating in Australia. 19 months since I lived in the same country as my parents, sister and brothers. 19 months since I moved to a place I had never lived before and had no social group.

I flew back from America a few days ago after a wonderful holiday.

Spending time there with old friends and my parents made me realise how lonely it can be when you move city’s/countries alone. 19 months on the introvert in me is always at war, wanting to stay home, retreat into the comfort of being alone, but that would defeat the whole purpose of me moving countries.

So I push myself to get outside my comfort zone, make new friends, go on adventures. Feel the pain, feel the loneliness and seek to make community and foster deep connection with those around me. Aiming to love unconditionally, seeking to spread kindness, hoping to inspire.

It’s been 14 months since moving back to New Zealand after 8 years in Australia. 14 months and I’m still adjusting. Re-entry is a beautiful painful crazy weird ride. I still wake up in the night and wonder where on earth I am. I still can’t read a book and struggle to finish a movie and feel super overwhelmed at times.

Going away comes with excitement of the unknown. Coming back comes with peace and a safe feeling but also the yucky bits like relearning your culture over again, feeling not quite part of something you used to be. I didn’t understand how cultures change and grow until moving back to New Zealand. There are new sayings, new greetings new customs that had formed since I have been away.

14 months I’ve changed jobs, moved house, made more awesome friends. 14 months lots and lots of growth has happened. I’ve cried a lot of tears, learnt the value of self care and the importance of practicing self compassion especially when you are facing re-entry and major life events alone. I’ve learnt I absolutely love nature and hiking, that I might be a city girl at heart and I am capable of more then I thought.

I’ve experienced deep loneliness that brought me to a place of truly understanding myself and falling in love with who I am. My life is a beautiful messy masterpiece and I’m so thankful for all the lessons I’m learning on this crazy journey.

8 1/2 months ago I moved back to New Zealand. It has been one of the most empowering, challenging things I have ever done. The last 11 years of my life have been filled with solo travel to Asia and Africa so you would think moving back to my country of birth after 8 years in Australia wouldn’t be that big of a deal, right? Haha yeah, I thought so too. I underestimated how hard re-entry would be. When we left New Zealand as a family, I was 22, entirely different from the 30-year-old me who returned alone. I see the world so much different now than what I did back then. One of the big reasons for returning back was I felt that I was disconnecting from my culture and losing my sense of belonging. I felt like a boat drifting out to sea and wanted to feel connected to my country, culture, and heritage.

I love Australia don’t get me wrong, but I needed to go home. It was a big decision to make though, I would be saying goodbye to Mum, Dad the siblings, the amazing friends, and the wonderful life I had worked so hard to create over the last 8 years, not knowing when I would be back since the world was still shut down due to Covid. This solo adventure had a different feel, this one was going to be permanent. My job transfer was to Wellington which is about 9 hours away from my hometown ( Whangarei) so I was moving to a place, I had never lived before. Reverse culture shock, combined with adjusting to a new city and job, trying to make friends, and missing my family hit me hard. For the first couple of months my body literally felt in shock, everything felt like a dream, I couldn’t think, didn’t really feel anything emotionally (happy or sad), and struggled with serve insomnia and headaches. It was tough but deep down I had unwavering peace that I was in the right place. 3 months passed and I started to feel less dazed and slowly began the process of falling back in love with my culture.  Now 8 1/2 months on from the move, I’m feeling a lot more settled, happier, and feeling so grateful for the life I am slowly building here in Wellington. I’ve met some of the kindest people who have made me feel supported and less alone. Extended family, those from church, at work, and even strangers on the street. I feel so blessed by the people I have in my life right now. Personal development is hugely important to me, it shapes a lot of what I do, and I love looking back and seeing how much I have grown, I’m so proud of myself to see how much I can achieve on my own. I can do big and hard things on my own without waiting for someone else to do it with me. If I could encourage anyone, I would say don’t fear being alone. There is so much opportunity and adventure out there, it’s scary but oh so empowering. If I can do it anyone can. You are capable of more than you know, and awesome opportunities await you if you take that scary step of faith.

Growth is such an interesting thing, often you can’t see it happening until
you look back and see how far you have come. I’m moving back to New Zealand in
a few weeks after 8 years in Australia and it’s really made me think about how
far I’ve come.

5th January 2014 we moved as a family to Australia, I was a completely
different person to who I am now. I was trying to learn to love myself, but I
didn’t know if I ever would. I questioned if I would ever be able to get a
proper job, be truly happy in my own skin or ever be able to purse my dreams. I
moved to Australia with the family because I didn’t really believe I had any
other options. 8 years later I’m so incredibly amazed where I am in life now.
God has blessed me so much.

The growth I see in myself makes me so proud. I have seen so much of the
world, had so amazing jobs, meet so many awesome people, I truly love myself
and the person I am becoming. I have learnt to be brave, pushed myself outside
my comfort zones and take daily steps of faith. Covid, job loses, and health
struggles, I have been able to continue to push forward to the places I believe
God is leading me and always aim to seek growth in the good times and bad. I
have become braver in speaking about my struggles and reaching out to those who
are struggling around me.

I have learnt the value and power of speaking encouragement and have become
less caught up in worrying about what others think of me. The last 8 years have
brought me to such a beautiful place of freedom to be radically me. I thank God
for all the work he has done and is continuing to do in my life and all the
amazing people I have in my life. I am blessed beyond measure.

It’s 10pm at night the thunder is raging and lightning flashing. Inside it’s hot and humid.

A summer storm.

Sometimes life feels like a summer storm.

Recently I have felt so so fatigued by personal storms, sickness, stress and the loss of a very dear friend to cancer.

Feeling so empty. I’m like a broken jug, who wants to full those around me up but the life giving water keeps running out.

6 months ago I managed to run a Facebook page that reached over 20,000 people, reply to countless emails from people who shared their struggles with me. Volunteer helping the homeless of Sydney. I saved, planned, and went on my second trip to Uganda. Volunteered for 2 months and come home, overflowing with joy. I was so energised with all I had learnt in Uganda.

But now i struggle to find enough emotional energy to get to work each day.

Times like theses God feels so far away.

But my very wise friend reminded me it’s ok to grieve, ok to struggle, ok to be broken because in theses moments God holds us.

She is so right.

Today at work God reminded me that we must be kind to ourselves in our personal storm.

Yes people around us walk through things more terrible than we could imagine but it doesn’t mean our pain doesn’t count.

It doesn’t mean we should somehow just get over it.

Your pain matters, your storm is real, your courage is seen.

Let’s be kind to ourselves and hold tight to the knowledge summer storms don’t last forever.

So overwhelmed. So many things I want to do. So many lives I want to change. Yet here I am feeling a failure.

This is the raw unedited image of returning home.

2 months since I returned from my second trip to Uganda.

I’m letting people down, I know it, I’m not proud of it.

Over and over I’m reminded that an empty jug can not fill a cup.

Yet I feel so distant from the only one who can fill me.

Struggling to be a good friend, to keep up with the simplest tasks.

Let alone deal with the important things pressing on my mind.

People don’t talk of the cost. The price of following where God leads.

We just see the glory, the inspiration, the courage of great men and woman of faith.

We don’t see the blood of their tears before and after their journeys of faith.

We don’t see the valleys of doubt, fear, loneliness that come alongside the joys of following Christ.

Thing is when you’ve been changed by steps of faith you cant go back.

I’m never going back to the one I was before I went to Uganda and I dont want too.

But I’ve lost more than one friend.

Somedays I just want to shut myself away from everyone and try to understand this new girl looking back at me in the mirror.

Caught between two worlds.

The girl who lived by faith in Uganda and the girl who is overwhelmed by doubts, fears back here.

Everytime I step out in faith, after every overseas trip, theses feelings and struggles come to fight with me when I return.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth being so burdened down by the cares of this world. Is it worth feeling so lost at sea when I return home.

100% yes.

With each step, I am closer to the heart of the one who died for me.

Everytime I surrender to Christ’s ways I am becoming less of me, more of him.

In touching an ophans hand, I touched the very heart of God. Because they are his children.

I will never be the same.

For the sake of his call, I will accept and embrace the cost.

Trusting even when He feels so far, God is holding me close, filling me with his love.