L.D. Parker's Blog

Is anyone else tired of that phrase? First, an acknowledgement of the fact that it has been 9 months since I last posted here. It would be nice if it were for a reason like having a baby (ha ha ha ha) but, no, it is purely trying to adapt to a new normal. With the loss of my mother last August, I have been adapting to a new normal even without global pandemics contributing to the situation.And here I am – in my Redefined Reality (I like that better) – still trying to figure out what exactly that means.We human beings tend to think that we are commanders of the ship that we float on. Yet we are learning just how NOT in control we really are at the moment. A microscopic bug has ground life to a halt, reminding us of how powerless we truly are. The interesting thing is that it’s not all bad…**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**DISCLAIMER**Let the record show that for some people this is positively devastating…lack of work, lack of resources, lack of all the things is destroying some lives – I am aware of that, and it pains me greatly. Not to mention the loss of life that is occurring worldwide…these are VERY much bad things. This stream of thought is more along the lines of finding a bright side on the dark clouds.On to the sunny side of the street…This forced home-bound life has reintroduced some interesting concepts…like family-time. Board games have returned to my life with a vengeance. There is also my green-thumb – previously known as the grim reaper. I have had time to actually pay attention to plants and finding joy in them in a way I’d never really known. For work, because we’ve been proactive about ensuring people feel connected in a manner that has led to us to develop a closeness among the staff that had been missing when we were all ensconced in our individual offices.Yet there is also the frustration – my eldest graduated high school (woo hoo) virtually (ugh). As I have teens who are JUST learning to spread their wings, it is tragic to have to clip their wings right when they want to take off and fly. I have friends I would like to see, but I also know they are not doing the same level of safety precautions that I am, so that’s a no. I am lucky in that I have a couple of close friends who made an agreement to all do the same things, so we CAN interact, but I miss gatherings. And we won’t even talk about trying to date in the age of COVID……Flipping back to the optimistic side, however, there is great opportunity here. We are being shown in a glaring light the disparities in this country between the haves and the have nots. We can see how money drives life, how the internet is no longer a luxury, what the true definition of “essential” workers is to make life go. We are being forced to see the changes that need to be comprehensively made throughout our country – and world. The question is will we, as a society as a whole, have the smarts and strength to implement them? Or will we put out the visible fire, and ignore the subterranean mine fire that continues to burn?To effect true change begins with each of us. What things have you adopted (or want to adopt) just for you during this time? Will you maintain them? What about for your family? Your neighborhood? It is the ripple effect. A small pebble dropped in a body of water can create incredibly large ripples that go on for a long time. No one of us has the ability to make dramatic change world-wide in an instant, but small changes at a personal level can truly begin to make a difference.For me, I am picking my pen back up, because I have been told it sometimes makes a small difference. I am resuming working out and doing self-care. I am reconnecting with some of the charities that have meant a lot to me. And, most importantly, I am finding new and innovative ways to connect with the PEOPLE in my life, on a variety of levels.Life is about connections. If we do not connect with people, places, things that are around us, we are missing out on so much magnificence the world has to offer us. So take the time today to think about what matters to you, and find a way to focus on it.

I’m feeling reflective today about Whys. Why did you do that?Why did you say that?Why did you help so-and-so?Why didn’t you leave that situation?Why, why, why?Here’s the reason…in the last couple of months, I’ve been thrust into the role of “Bad Guy” by quite a large (to me) number of people in my life – directly and tangentially.I have, quite literally, found myself now having zero contact with people I once cherished, because in the script of their life story, I committed some kind of offense that has led them to banish me completely.The interesting part is that not one of these alleged offenses is actually true. Additionally, every last one of them has been levied against me under the guise of “What else would her motive be?” or “Why?”I was accused of manipulating a loved one during a time of crisis just to spite a family member.I allegedly provided emotional support to a friend because I wanted more from them than just friendship.Ditto for my reasons for providing financial support to another friend – because I had a salacious ulterior motive apparently.Most recently, I have learned I have maintained a professional relationship with an ex simply because I simply must still want to be with them – according to their current situationship person.Man, I am really evil.The interesting thing about me is that the idea of that much scheming and manipulating just seems like an awful lot of work. I mean, really, how exhausting would it be to spend your life trying to figure out how to screw people over?Believe it or not – and I know it can be difficult in this cynical world – there are actually people who just enjoy helping others.I know…shocking.Now, don’t get me wrong, of course there’s something in it for me. For me the answer to Why? is simply because I enjoy helping others. I enjoy the connections I have with people. I like being a support, offering advice when I can, and being a rock if needed. I have fun helping others become the best of themselves.I help because I like helping.Is this always a good thing? No. I have a habit of helping even when it’s to my detriment. That’s bad. But what’s bothering me the most right this second is the fact that I feel the need to defend myself almost constantly about Why I’m doing the things I do.That’s the problem.I have to remind myself that I don’t have to justify my Why to anyone except me.I do the things I do for my reasons, and I owe an explanation to precisely no one.I know my motives are good, pure, and truly in the spirit of helping people I care about. Anyone who thinks otherwise can take a long walk off a short pier.However…That stance, while admirable, is not always easy. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that sometimes the person I believed myself to be helping finds themselves in a position of being told to choose between me and the person making the accusations. This breaks my heart.Personally, I would never do the “It’s them or me” thing to anyone I actually cared about. Yet, just today, I listened as a dear friend of a number of years was berated in a rather vile manner by someone who believes me to be of ill repute, and who called me every name in the book, accusing me of all kinds of despicable acts. That friend found themselves in the position of being told to choose. They tried valiantly not to make the choice, so I made it for them.After trying to have a rational conversation with my accuser in vain, I did not respond in kind to the things I was called. I simply told my friend that my role is to support, not to stress. So, if my presence was causing that much conflict, it could be removed. When my friend was given the choice of their other person or me, I took away the burden of making that choice and said go forth and prosper. I’ll still be here if you need me.Because obviously I’m a saint.Duh.Not.That’s not even remotely why. I did it because I don’t want to see my friend in pain. Period. I did it because they need to make the decisions that are best in their life, even if those decisions don’t include me.Did it hurt? Hell yeah.Would I do it again? You’re damn right.Because I love my friends. I cherish them. I want them to be happy and to thrive. And if I am an impediment to their success in life, I gladly give them permission to say goodbye to me.There’s a saying that if you love something, set it free. That’s what I do. There is no point in trying to hold on to someone or something that doesn’t want to be in your life. It doesn’t matter if you feel outraged because your motives are being misconstrued – people who value you will know who and what you are and choose to have you around. People who don’t, well there’s not much you can do.So my answer to all of the Whys? is simply because that’s who I am.I’m not a saint. I’m not perfect. I’m just a person who is trying to live a good life with other people. Take me or leave me, but I gotta be me.

This morning I didn’t make my bed.That may not seem like a big deal, and it isn’t, yet it is.In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven made a commencement address at the University of Texas at Austin, that carried a message I try to share with everyone I know:“If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.”Why does that matter? According to Admiral McRaven, “If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can't do the little things right, you will never do the big things right. And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made — that you made — and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.” (Full Speech)It’s a simple little thing, that is one task I accomplish everyday. Except today.Today my bed is currently unmade, and I’m at work. Today, I simply couldn’t.For the last few days (weeks) I’ve been pretty deep in the depths of depression. I’m in a very dark place that I’m struggling to get out of. Yesterday, I spent most of the day crying on and off. At one point I decided to leave work, because I didn’t consider myself fit for duty so to speak. I don’t know where I was going, maybe the beach, maybe home, maybe Abu-Dhabi…it’s hard to say, I just wanted to go. But my best friend saw me leaving work, planted herself in front of my car, and said no. That it wasn’t ok for me to be alone right then. A couple of other colleagues arrived at that same time, and I returned to my office, to a very supportive environment.I’m beyond blessed to work where I do.So why the depression? Well, I have a natural tendency towards it genetically, and drugs are great, but in the face of great challenges, they don’t always stop the feelers from coming on.My mom is gone. My children are on the edge of adulthood and the world is frightening. My father had “routine” surgery that scared me to my core. I have friends who mean the world to me who are facing life changing circumstances that I’m powerless to help them with. I lost my 75-pound “puppy” a few months back. Home ownership brings new problems each day. In sum – Life.Life is hard. Life will test you. Life can break you. Life can also heal you.You see, right now I am facing a series of unfortunate events – not quite like the movie/book of the same name, but some are pretty close. So when you combine life’s situational depressive acts with a genetic tendency towards anxiety and depression, the result can be disastrous.Like an unmade bed.No, my unmade bed is not the end of the world, but it *is* a sign of the rough spot I’m in. It’s a canary in the coal mine. It is a cry for help for me, that I’m fortunate enough to be aware of.So now what?Well, in a few hours I’ll visit my therapist. Then for the rest of the day, I will take things as they come. I’m not going to hide my depression. I’m not going to pretend like everything’s ok. I’m going to share what I’m going through with the people I love – who also love me – because I know they care enough to be here for me however I need.I’m going to be honest.We live in a society where mental health is stigmatized, yet the vast majority of the population battles it at some point in their lives.Why?If you have the flu or a cold or cancer friends and family will rally and make you meals, run your errands, and be there to support you however you need. Mental health is/should be no different.I am so thankful to have been raised in a home where mental health was treated like all other health concerns – we talked about it, we helped each other through crises, we loved and supported one another with the unseen illnesses as much as the visible ones.Now it’s my turn. I’m not ok – but I will be. I’m going to be transparent about not being ok, so that the my framily (the friend/family combination that is my support) can help me get to a place of being ok.And for that I thank them. If you know someone who seems “off” – who has had a trauma that you know about or you suspect might be going through something, let them know you’re a safe space. Let them know you want to help. Let them know it’s ok to not be ok. They may need that reassurance more than you can imagine.

On Tuesday, August 13, 2019 I lost my mom.Now the dysfunctionally dark humorous side of my brain instantly went “Think back – where was the last place you left her…”Ba-dum-dum.OK, dark humor has been my primary method of coping with this huge loss, and it is huge.My mother was a ginormous pain in my ass. She was also my closest confidante. She knew me better than anyone, as mothers are wont to do – even when we think they don’t understand us at all. Towards the end of her life, she was not an easy woman to love. We now know that the cancer that ravaged her body also severely impacted her mental and emotional state. She became erratic, unpredictable, and at times downright mean. But underneath it all was a woman who was keenly aware of how much of herself she was losing, and who was scared.Dealing with her physical departure is something that anyone who sees me regularly will tell you I handled as well as anyone could, and am still handling well. And they are right…to an extent.The truth of the matter is that if you don’t live or work with me, you probably haven’t seen me since her funeral. You probably haven’t heard from me either. Text messages go unanswered, as do voicemails. Actually, someone told me today my voicemail box is full. And I don’t particularly care.I’m trying my best to figure out my new “normal” – whatever the hell that is. There is no manual for grieving or for how to rebuild your life when it’s undergone such a drastic change. It’s something each person has to do for themselves.I’ve received so much advice that I am simultaneously appreciative of and tired of. I know everyone has been incredibly well intentioned, and speaks from their own experience – which is part of their lifelong grieving processes – but I’m just tired. My tired has become sarcasm. I answer “How are you?” with “Other than a dead mother I’m just dandy!” When one person asked me “Are you coping well?” my uninhibited answer was “Absolutely! It’s like a party every day!” People laugh it off, and I laugh with them, and then walk away. This is so not like my normal self, but I’ve grown exhausted from the normal platitudes and my filter seems completely gone.When you add to that a series of traumas that occurred within my family surrounding her illness, death, the funeral, and all that ensued, I’ve taken a very non-me approach. I’ve closed my circle. Literally, other than people who live in my house and people who see me at work, I’m currently not having contact with others. I’m not sure this is the best approach, but I know it’s the best one for me right now. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love the world. It doesn’t mean I won’t return to my old ways at some point. It just means right now I need to heal in my way, in my time. I can’t even tell you what that means. I know so far it’s meant a lot of cleaning and purging of my house, dusting off my recipe books and regengaging with my cooking, and as of today, picking my pen back up to write. This is a time for me to mourn what I’ve lost, while also finding myself in a new way. The loss of someone like a parent is traumatic. When it is coupled with other personal challenges, even more so. Then add to that a propensity to struggle with anxiety and depression and you’ve got an awesome recipe for self-destruction. Thankfully I don’t seem to be self-harm minded, but I can intellectually understand how people in my situation can go there.To those who have been reaching out and found me unresponsive, I thank you. I love and appreciate you. Your words mean the world, I’m simply not capable of being the “usual” me right now, but it doesn’t mean I’m not beyond grateful to each and every loving gesture sent my way. To others going through trauma, I would offer this advice – if you are going through a loss, go through it. In your way. Find close people you can check in with, even if it’s just to say “I’m not ok today” and nothing more. If you are someone who does better with lots of interaction, do that. Find ways to heal that work for you. To people supporting people like me, offer supports the best way you can, but most of all, be understanding if the person you know is just different at this time. To my mother – given that I know you are all knowing at this point – I thank you for making me the woman I am today. I miss you. I love you.

Emotions are a fascinating thing. They cause us weak humans to do all kinds of things that may or may not be completely rational or logical. In some ways I envy Spock and the other Vulcans from Star Trek in that they have evolved beyond allowing their emotions to rule them. Then again, emotions can lead to some of life’s greatest joys, and not having those would be tragic. I suppose the key is balance, which is a serious struggle for people like me.Although it’s been a while since I wrote anything here…or anything period come to think of it…the fact is that anyone who has followed my journey knows that I am one of those people that experience A LOT of emotions in intense ways. It makes life one hell of a rollercoaster, that I frequently just want to get off.Today, I sit at home, down with a cold that is not letting me out of its death grip despite potentially lethal doses of Vitamin C, Zinc, echinacea, elderberries, and so much more, and left with too many thoughts running rampant through my mind. So, the desire to write has set in – maybe a good thing?The last few months (years) have been chaotic in my life in so many ways. Too many ways to detail right now, but I can sum it up by simply saying it’s been so much so that I’ve been unable to write. That may seem like a silly mundane thing, but for those who know me there should be a collective gasp of horror. You see, no matter what life has thrown at me, I’ve ALWAYS written. Something. Stories, poems, a journal, this blog, posts on Facebook – SOMETHING. Yet a friend recently pointed out she knew I wasn’t ok because she hadn’t even seen anything on social media from me. My inability to write is a canary in the coal mine in essence – except a very late canary. In fact, that’s a horrible analogy because by the time I’m in bad enough shape that I can’t write, the miners are all dead and that canary is pointless.So, as I sit here and write (at last) it may make one think “Great – you’re better now!” and that may or may not be an accurate statement. I don’t know that I’m better so much as I think I broke. I’m not sure if I’ve broken out, had a break through, or I’m just broke down, but something definitely snapped.Last night I posted something on Facebook that I’ve since deleted. It was the result of someone – a very, very, stupid someone who apparently doesn’t know me at all – threatening me. Not with physical harm or harm to my children…actually, come to think of it, I’m not entirely sure what the threat was at this point. The exact words were if I allowed something altogether petty, asinine, and partially out of my control to happen that “there will be repercussions”. But those four little words set me ALL the way off. My first thought was this:That was followed by a couple of hours of planning this person’s demise, accompanied by the since deleted FB post. See, here’s the thing – most people see me and see weakness. I’m a 5’ 2.75”, round, cookie-baking, cupcake-making, executive at a non-profit, PTA working, caretaker of the world. I smile at everyone, will sign any petition a hippie on the street thrusts in front of my face, and I struggle to say “no” even when I really should. I come across as a marshmallow – a lot.Unless you know me.Unless you’ve crossed me.Piece of advice in life – it’s not the people who brag about how many asses they’ve kicked and what they can do to you that you need to be afraid of. It’s the ones who don’t.Granted, the fact that I’m writing this may come across as me being a braggart – fair enough, I’ll take that critique. But this post is more laughable analysis in the light of day, and with less anger than I felt last night. The fact is that as enraged as I was, I’ve not pulled the trigger on a single thing that I coulddo, because I don’t need to. I know for a fact that I could have utterly destroyed this person’s entire existence in a few hours overnight, in ways that they don’t even know I’m capable of, simply because they underestimate both my abilities and my ruthlessness when pushed. Because they’ve never seen that side of me. In fact, there are only about four people on the face of the earth who have ever seen just how far I’m willing to go when provoked. And I’m proud of that.Not because I’m some secret ninja assassin. But because I actually care about my imprint on the world. Ever hear that phrase “With great power comes great responsibility”? It’s so true. Just because you CAN do incredibly destructive things doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Once you do them, then what? I can almost hear a friend of mine say “You’ll feel better” – which may be correct for a time. But what did you accomplish? Chances are it didn’t fix anything. Chances are there were other ripple effects that you didn’t take into account or even realize would happen. Chances are the satisfaction will be short lived.This is where that Vulcan logic comes in handy. If we can take the time to think about things BEFORE we act, we may frequently find that what our emotions tell us to do isn’t always the best course of action to take. Don’t get me wrong – sometimes immediate, swift, and decisive action is a good thing. Sometimes, you need to go pure reactionary mode and let the world see your rawness. But it must be tempered. That should be the exception, not the rule.I had a conversation with a close friend yesterday about how she is really pure Id, and I definitely tend to be almost pure Superego (check out this link for an explanation if you’re unfamiliar with Freud’s concept; TLDR summary: Id = uncontrolled impulse…Superego = restrictive morality). The balance is something we’re both trying to find. But in the light of day, with a calmer head prevailing, I find myself laughing at my rage from last night, and actually thankful in some ways. You see, this encounter reminded me of something. Something critically important that I’d forgotten.I hold all the power.(Insert evil, maniacal laugh here)Not like that.Well, not entirely like that.I hold all the power – in my own life. As do you.As do each of us.Our emotions are triggered so often by external influences that we allow to suppress our own power. But in life, we have a choice in EVERYTHING we do. We choose who we allow in our lives, and to what degree. We choose every action we take throughout a day. We choose whether other people can even have the opportunity to impact us or not.So, this morning, I’m choosing. I’m choosing to change the course I’ve been on. I’m choosing to return to the woman I was becoming when I actually was liking myself. I’m choosing to say “Yes” when I want to, “No” when I mean it, and “Fuck off” to anyone who deserves it. I’m choosing to place a priority on the things that matter to me first and foremost. Because this is MY life. I want to live it. Go live yours.

This morning as I was perusing my FaceBook timeline, I came across a friend who posted a selfie and amongst her commentary was that she gave “absolutely no fux” because she completely embraces everything about herself. My first gut reaction was complete jealousy.On occasion, I will let the phrase “I give zero fucks” come out of my mouth. Usually it applies to something at work because someone has said or done something that is irrelevant to my world (that’s the kind of cockiness that comes with doing what I’ve done for more than two decades). But the truth is that there is always part of me for which that is a lie.You see, I really do give a fuck. I actually tend to give all of them.I am a naturally empathic, nurturing person. I give all of myself to the people, causes, tasks, etc that I care about. And I pay one hell of a price for it.I have incredible difficulty distancing myself emotionally once I’m invested emotionally. I can’t simply flip the switch on and off. And I’m not sure I want to be able to.Yes, there is value in distance. There can be value in putting up walls, boundaries, barriers between your emotions and the things you have to do in this world. It’s about self-preservation. But there’s a cost to that too. It is entirely possible to become so accustomed to having to place that distance, that you begin to struggle to have connection.The key is balance.Each of us has to find a way to balance between the idea of giving zero fucks and giving all the fucks. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to do this – only the way that works best for you in your life and your particular situations.For me at the moment, my life is in chaos in more ways than I care to count. The result has been emotions out of control, lack of sleep, too much stress, and general misery. Because I’ve permitted my fuck-giving-pendulum to swing too far to one extreme. I have allowed all of the external influencers to pull me out of my stability.My work now is to reestablish some boundaries and walls that I took down, so that I can protect myself, while being true to myself. To relearn the proper amount of fucks to give. To accept that there will be times, circumstances, and situations where in my heart I give every fuck I’ve got, but that on the outside I have to/need to/want to give a lesser amount of them – maybe even zero – in order to stop myself from being destroyed beyond repair.I have to give all the fucks I’ve got…about myself first.

I was having a conversation with a friend about crazy significant others, and how quickly we tend to show those other sides to people we get involved with...or how well we hide them.The result of the conversation was this short list of What You Said vs What I heard - these are just the jokes people...laugh with me!“My mother likes you already.”My mother knows literally everything there is to know about you, including details about the first time we had sex, every time since then, and can do a pretty good impression of the sounds you make!“I feel like I’ve known you forever!”I’m so comfortable with you that I have zero inhibitions about farting in front of you!“I think I can tell you anything!”Strap yourself in for THIS ride because I’m about to tell you something you’re not ready for!“You are perfect for me!”Oh – you’re not perfect…but you’re good enough for me because your flaws make mine look a-ok!“I completely trust you with my heart!”If you break up with me, I’m going to slash your tires, and most likely make a scene in a public place…maybe at your job or your next family cookout!“No one has ever made me feel the way you do.”I have something really kinky I want to try – how can I get you to do it?“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”Your bunny should fear for its life if you cross me. “I can’t imagine my life without you.”This relationship has crossed a line that you unfortunately can’t come back from, so good luck with that. You literally can’t quit me. I dare you to try. The consequences will be swift. You know that whole “til death do we part” thing? Not even death will part us. But I love you. Forever.

There are 6,000,000 memes and platitudes that exist about letting go of anger, allowing God to handle those who have wronged you, or my favorite:When something has been said to death like those phrases, they can lose their meaning, which is when you have to dig deep and try to really digest why they’re so popular.Talking (still) about my recent breakup, I’ve been somewhat surprised at the anger.  Not my anger, but that of pretty much EVERYONE around me.See, I was blessed with complete closure on the relationship.  I got to say EVERYTHING I wanted to say, and it was SUCH a relief.  Then I drank a bottle of wine with a friend, and my closure was complete.  I was ready to move up and move on!  It was liberating!But no one else who loves me got that.We don’t often think about how things that impact our lives also impact the lives of those who love us.  In this case, there are so many people who love me, watched me get hurt, and felt helpless.  These loved ones wanted to seek vengeance on my behalf!  They would avenge my honor no matter what!! And many of them had to be talked down off of the proverbial ledge.No, Button, we will not resort to physical violence.  No, Calypso, you may not take all of the trash and things he forgot and deliver it personally to his new girlfriend’s place of employment.  No, Lamar, you may not do…ANY of the things you’re thinking about doing.Seriously, it’s not worth the jail time or bad karma people!But the realization I had today during a conversation with another friend who is just ANGRY is that none of these amazing people I know have had the joy of closure like I have. So what about them?Unfortunately, they are in a position that we often find ourselves in during this life adventure of having anger without being able to diffuse it.  I mean, sure, they COULD do anything they want to make themselves feel better, except would it really?I’ve told them (even today) to let go and let God handle it.  But the reality is that is easier said than done.  When you are looking at someone you thought you knew and realize you don’t know them at all, or when a person hurt someone you love, or any one of a dozen scenarios, you want justice – you want to direct your anger somewhere, but oftentimes there just isn’t anywhere to send it.And that sucks.BUT the thing is that those platitudes and memes and corny sayings exist for a reason.  The best thing you can do for yourself in those situations is find a way to release it.  If it means making sure that you have zero reminders of that person/situation, do that.  If you have to make a voodoo doll of them and torture it, do that.  If you have to gather together all the other people who feel like you do and have a roast (figurative) of that person, do that.  Find some outlet for your anger, release it, and move on.Is this easy?  Not usually.  But at the end of the day, you’ll be better off if you can find a way to block those negative people and negative feelings from your life.Otherwise, the dark side wins…

A year ago I began talking about my next book of poetry.  Aaaaand then silence.I can list out all the reasons why, most of which are centered around the relationship I was in and getting caught up in a new business venture that made my focus on my life-long craft something that I let go – which SHOULD have been a clear red flag, but I’m a slow learner at times.I’ve been beating myself up mercilessly – L.D…you love to write!  Why aren’t you writing?  Why haven’t you finished this book?  Your sister did amazing cover art!  What are you waiting for?The short answer is I put myself last. Behind the relationship.Behind the business venture.Behind the children.Behind work.Behind school.Behind everything else.I decided, perhaps not consciously, that I didn’t matter and the thing that had always been a core part of who and what I am didn’t matter.Now THAT is tragic.Because the fact is that I do matter.  We all do.  And the things that are most important to us, that define us, matter.  They most certainly should matter to our loved ones, but first they have to matter to ourselves.So for the last year and a half or so I have written very little.  The few times I did write it was usually a poem written from a place of pain or a blog post written in anger.  But my joyful writing, my most creative writing was absent. I declared myself the worst procrastinator in the world.  Told myself I was making excuses and should be ashamed – and I was.Then a funny thing happened.  Parts of my writing began to come true.  Not my recent writing, but my old writing.  Specifically from a novel I wrote some time ago, Experimental Lasagna (Now people who knew me when it was first published used to ask me A LOT how much of it was real.  I referred to it as my factional novel – part fact, part fiction.  Part based on my first adventures in dating, part based on dreams, part based on “what if…” scenarios.  So naturally people wanted to know what was real, and I pretty much won’t answer that question.But a few months ago, things I wrote about more than a decade ago – that were pure fiction when I wrote them – began to unfold in my life.  At first it made me laugh.  Then it made me raise an eyebrow.  Then it was just straight spooky.Was I psychic?  If so, my predictions take their sweet time coming true!  Or was the universe just messing with me?  Hard to say.But the actual effect that it had on me was to make me feel like I had to write.  I needed to get back to my craft.  I needed to rediscover this lost part of who and what I was. Suddenly I found myself immersed in the flow of words across a page in a way that I hadn’t been in the longest time.  And I loved it!  I remembered how I enjoyed the pains in my hands after particularly intense sessions.  I remembered the maniacal laughter when I’d play God with characters’ lives.  I remembered the unbridled joy writing brings me.Ever since, I haven’t stopped writing.  So much so that I have finished the edits on the “new” (year old) book of poetry (Titled “Phoenix Rising”, release date to be announced soon, check out my sister's amazing art for the cover...), and have I believe enough material for another book of poetry.  I also have almost completely written my next novel…in my head – really need a science minded person to figure out how to zap it from there to paper for me!Here’s what I discovered in the process – I did procrastinate.  I did lose myself in other things that took me away from myself.  But the forces that operate in this crazy world of ours will not allow us to stray from our destined paths but for too long.  They will find a way to draw us back to ourselves.So if you’re feeling unsettled and unsure, that maybe you’re a little lost, take the time to look around and check – have you strayed?  If so, try to find your way back to your own source of joy.  You’ll be glad you did!

Have you ever heard the expression “Your perspective, your reality”?  It’s long been one of my favorites.  If not, the basic premise is that we all experience life through the lens of our lives.  It colors how we interpret the things that occur around us.For example, two people witness a dog being berated by its “owner”.  If one of those people is highly allergic to dogs and has never liked them, while the other is an animal advocate who has 12+ dogs in their home, they are likely to view this berating very differently.  The first may see it as an owner simply disciplining an unruly animal.  The second as a grave injustice.My point is that the same event can have different interpretations, all depending on your perspective.  It does not always make one right and one wrong, just different.But what do you do when you find yourself faced with something or someone whose version of events is so completely different than your own, that you instantly want to call them a liar?  That person who is portraying you as something very different than what you are, in a way that offends you to your very core?  When that person is so completely WRONG that you feel compelled to defend yourself and explain in grave detail to the entire world how they are a sick, twisted liar who should be burned at the stake, drawn and quartered, or stoned in the town square?Simple.You do nothing.That person has constructed a narrative in their mind that allows them to feel they are right and you are wrong.  This narrative enables them to feel either like the victim or the victor – either of which makes them feel better about themselves. They are usually incredibly charming people who are so skilled and detailed at explaining the stories they’ve concocted, that they can actually make you question your own memory and perception.  I’ve even had instances where I had irrefutable PROOF that what they were saying was wrong/a lie, and I still found myself wondering if they were right because they were just THAT convincing.The thing about people who have the ability to craft something that is a COMPLETE work of fiction and declare themselves to be the only person who is right, is that they are the textbook definition of narcissists.  Or even worse, sociopaths.  People who are that detached from reality that they construct entire versions of events that don’t resemble the truth, and actually believe them themselves cannot be reasoned with, cannot be convinced, cannot be changed.So the best thing you can do for your own well-being is smile, nod politely, and let it go.Is it easy?  Hell no!  But it really is the best thing you can do for yourself.Mark Twain said it best – “Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”