Susan Biali's Blog

The other day I was doing some research on PTSD and came across a simple video made at home by a war veteran, directed at fellow veterans who similarly struggle with this trauma-generated disorder. I was going to post it here but haven't been able to find it again. Luckily, I found his simple, heartfelt advice to be so powerful and true (and useful to not just PTSD sufferers, but many other people) that I wrote some of it down while I was watching,

We all go through traumas, challenges, setbacks and disappointments. PTSD - Post traumatic stress disorder - characterized by extreme hyper-vigilance and nervous tension, nightmares, flashbacks and so on, is probably one of the most unpleasant things a human can experience. Not only was the person severely traumatized by something at some point in life, but they are forced to keep reliving it through their brain and nervous system, sometimes for decades or a lifetime.

I'm far from an expert in this area, however it's easy to understand that people who suffer from this need compassion, gentleness, patience and as little additional stress as possible. Yet, this veteran gently took a hard line with this group of people whom he obviously deeply cares for. Though his words are meant for those stuck in the life-sucking vortex of PTSD, I think this advice applies to anyone who has gotten into the habit of surviving, or "just getting through" life in the face of adversity, depression, chronic stress, and so on.

Here are some of the things that he said into the camera, which I wrote down:

You get out of life what you put into it.

Are you doing the bare minimum to get by?

What are you going to do to get your life back?

It's about living and reclaiming your life.

Here I thought I was doing research, and I realized he could be talking to me. Now I put a great deal of energy into studying health, happiness, life, self-awareness and self-actualization, etc., it's not as if I don't have a life or am suffering terribly at this point (thank God).

That said, there has been a seemingly endless stream of events shaking things up since mid-2008, beginning with my husband getting laid off the week we got married and moving steadily through significant financial setbacks, multiple moves (including changing countries), the release of my book (and my husband unexpectedly taking a job in Europe at the peak of my book tour), personal and professional losses and betrayals, and many many more events, culminating in having to put down my best friend, my beloved dog Faro.

A few months ago for fun I went over the Holmes and Rahe Stress/Life Events Scale - my score was so high it's a miracle I'm not just a quivering mass on the floor right now. Since I specialize in wellness and how to support yourself holistically through difficult times (e.g. maintaining solid health practices, holding on to friends and family, never losing faith, expecting to find good in the bad, asking for help etc.) I have been able to weather these storms without completely falling apart or self-destructing under the strain.

However, this veteran's words made me realize that even though I still had managed to keep a real smile on my face through it all and find the beauty in everything I could, I had begun to face life from the viewpoint of surviving the onslaught - doing what was necessary to get by, or get through - rather than being proactively creative.

So many things had come at me so fast, one after the other, that I'd gotten into the habit of living in the space of reacting, of tirelessly making lemonade out of lemons. I often based my weekly planning around dealing with or getting past the most recent lemon that had dropped from the tree rather than realizing that I needed to deliberately and very consciously start taking my life back.

Having experienced significant depression and anxiety in the past (and thankfully - amazingly - not during this series of blows), the video veteran's words made me remember that this is often the mindset that depressed or anxious people get into. Life becomes something to get through, whether it's a day at work when you don't feel like getting out of bed, or an Ativan-laced flight to Europe when you can't stop worrying that the plane might crash (thank goodness I don't have this problem as a plane is one of my favorite places to be in the world - if the trip is under 6 hours, that is!).

Sometimes you really do just need to survive, but as things gradually get better and you regain your strength, sometimes you need to remind yourself that you're ok now, that the boogeyman's gone and it's safe to come out into the sunshine.

Even those who don't have a diagnosable disorder but simply live a much too busy, task-packed life can find themselves focusing on getting through the work week, or through the month that lies between them and their next vacation.

How do you live your life? When you look at the week ahead, are you more concerned with just getting through it? Are you fully alive just two days of the week, rather than seven?

Or could you take back your week, and take out some of the duties that weigh you down and replace them with things you would actually look forward to?

Could you take charge of your workday and make some fundamental changes that might make your work an alive, welcome part of your life rather than something that needs to be gotten over with?

How much of your life is about proactively living - about deliberately choosing fulfilling activities, places and people and placing them strategically throughout your schedule so you feel excited about your days?

I recently read a piece in which an expert talked about becoming a "joy hunter". Instead of hiding in a foxhole waiting to react to or get through the next onslaught life sends your way, how about coming out into the light, inhaling the fresh air all around you and chasing down some joy instead? And when you do triumph over something nasty that life has sent your way, make sure you reserve a day and time to do an extended victory dance.

For more tips on how to systematically create a more fulfilling life, check out my book Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You ( www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com )

To receive weekly updates with my best information on how to create a life you’ll love, and to receive my complimentary special report on the Top 10 Ways to Balance Your Life and Boost Your Health and Happiness, sign up via the Prescription for Life ENewsletter box in the upper right hand corner.

And please come follow me on Twitter and Facebook !

If you enjoyed reading this, I would be so grateful if you also share this article on Twitter and Facebook ,using the adorable buttons halfway up the left side of this page!

Finally, if you’d like me to personally coach you past your challenges and obstacles and into a life you’ll absolutely love, you’ll find more information at Live A Life You Love Coaching .

Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope I've helped you move closer to living a life you truly love!

Lately I‘ve been bored more often than usual.

I’ve also been more creative and prolific than I have been in years. This is not a coincidence.

When I look back, I know what triggered it. A couple of months ago, when my vet insisted, I so sadly had to put my beloved rescue dog Faro down. About a week after having said goodbye to my four-legged best friend, I was having lunch at my kitchen table when the silence hit me. Faro was a quiet dog who loved nothing more than to curl up at my feet wherever I was. There was something about his constant presence that had filled up the entire house. The empty sound of my fork hitting my plate ricocheted off the walls, amplifying my solitary state.

Working from home during the day, when I wasn’t answering emails or coaching or doing a media interview, I could usually be found outside walking him (it was never enough!). At other times I’d get out of my chair, stretch and start throwing his favorite stuffed duck across the expanse of the living room for him to fetch, shrieking with laughter at his outrageously silly antics in response to such a simple game. Now, I felt unusually lonely and bored - it was different than the grief that had been darting in and out of my heart. Sitting there at the kitchen table, I started to feel sorry for myself.

But then, something moved into the space. A tingle of excitement and possibility - I recognized this feeling. I remembered this emptiness, a sense of fully inhabiting the moment and every second on the clock dragging itself out. This was the kind of nothingness that, years ago before I created this new career, would cause me to head over to the sofa, curl up with my journal, and write pages of thoughts, feelings and ideas. This is the type of space that my writing/coaching/speaking/dancing business actually grew out of, when I was living in Mexico with long stretches of free time to read, think, doodle, dream and plan.

This was the empty space from which the greatest creativity of my life had been born.

Do you know the kind of deep quiet, the emptiness I’m talking about? When did you last experience it?

Have you been longing to create or start something new in your life, but can’t seem to find the time to make it happen? You may simply not have been giving yourself (and your creative self) enough breathing space.

Since moving back up to Canada in 2009 with Armando and Faro, our newly adopted rescue dog, in the first month I hammered out my book manuscript for Live a Life You Love on deadline for my publisher. I really hadn’t created anything new of significance since, other than the odd blog post. I periodically noticed that I wasn’t creating much, but was so busy with all the other stuff around running the business and life, that I barely registered the fact and just kept going.

I thought maybe I didn’t have anything big and new to say, but what I realize now is that my artist just didn’t have the space and opportunity to show up. Does yours? If you could give “her” anything she wanted, in the next week, what would it be?

I seem to need to get bored and virtually empty myself and the space I’m in (both literally and figuratively) before my inner artist will peek her head around the corner and ask if she can tiptoe in and join me. The great thing is, once she comes out to play she seems to stick around for a while, even when life gets busy again. That’s been the case for me – the ideas and insights and motivation started to flow, and haven’t stopped since, no matter what I’ve been doing with my time.

Now if you’re thinking “but my living space is packed with people, and I don’t have time or money to get away”, here’s my thought for you:

If you feel your creative passions whispering to you, asking for some attention, or if you have a fabulous big idea that you’ve never been able to bring into reality, or you feel you’re creatively blocked and have been for a long time, you might just need a little total silence and boredom.

Even if it’s just for a short block of time, go somewhere where there’s nothing to occupy your mind and hands. It could be a room in your house while everyone else is out or busy, a quiet space in nature, an empty coffeehouse in off hours, wherever. Leave the books, internet and other reading materials behind, hide the TV remote, get away from any kind of entertainment or distraction, everything and everybody.

Just be by yourself for thirty minutes, an hour, two hours, whatever. Just let yourself be. You don’t need to sit there and repeat any kind of mantra or follow any rules, just hang out with yourself. If and when you feel yourself or creative ideas start to flow, grab a piece of paper or a journal and start writing about what’s unfolding. If nothing happens, don’t worry about it and hang out in that space anyway.

Do it enough times, and you’ll find yourself going somewhere. You don’t necessarily have to write anything down, but it’s a good idea to carry a beautiful little notebook at all times to capture ideas, dreams and inspirations as they come. Practicing this can even be as simple as eating lunch by yourself without reading anything or talking to anyone, and letting your mind wander and watching where it goes.

It might not happen right away, but I’ve found that if you give your mind and spirit enough of these silent extremely boring breaks, breakthroughs start to happen. Inspirations will begin to move you into where your life wants to take you. Your creative life, whatever that means for you, that has been waiting all along.

You’re not blocked. Maybe you just haven’t let yourself get bored enough.

For more tips on creativity and how to systematically create a more fulfilling life for yourself, check out my book Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You ( www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com )

To receive weekly updates with my best information on how to create you’ll love, and to receive my complimentary special report on the Top 10 Ways to Balance Your Life and Boost Your Health and Happiness, sign up via the Prescription for Life ENewsletter box in the upper right hand corner.

And please come follow me on Twitter and Facebook !

If you enjoyed reading this, I would be so grateful if you share this article on Twitter and Facebook ,using the adorable buttons halfway up the left side of this page!

Finally, if you’d like me to personally coach you past your challenges and obstacles and into a life you’ll absolutely love, you’ll find more information at Live A Life You Love Coaching .

Thanks so much for stopping by, and I hope I've helped you move closer to living a life you truly love!

I'm on retreat this week and not surprisingly am brimming over with ideas. Getting away from the noise helped me reconnect with my biggest dreams and the overarching purpose of my life. I have a new idea I'd like to try, a way of living that will require some significant financial sacrifices if I'm to put it into action sooner than later.

I also discovered this: to make it happen, I'm willing to eat tuna sandwiches. This may not seem radical to you, but it is to me.

After several years writing/dancing/speaking/coaching from my base in Mexico, I moved back up North a couple of years ago and created a hybrid life blending part-time medical practice with all the other stuff I love to do.

Though this life was lucrative, it was also very expensive; the saying "the more you make, the more you spend" is oh so true. My busy schedule easily justified grabbing takeout or restaurant meals, and the dreary climate and big city pace moved me to constantly treat myself to gourmet coffees or a no-holds-barred grocery binge at Whole Foods, aka "Whole Paycheck". A long list of other things - facials, massages, etc. - also became part of helping me thrive/survive in this context.

Today, inspired by a new juicy and very authentic idea for my life, I've remembered that I haven't always been as high maintenance as I've become. To finance this new possibility, I went through all my discretionary expenses and am actually excited about giving up the gourmet habits I'd convinced myself I "needed".

I'll live off inexpensive healthy groceries such as eggs, tuna sandwiches, and fresh chopped veggies. I'm already doing it, as I've spent this retreat cooking for myself instead of going out to eat as I usually do when here (the eggs are on the non-stick frying pan as I write).

If you've been squeezing yourself into an inauthentic existence that at least partially if not totally strangles your true dream for your life, here's how it might be costing you:

1) Buying expensive treats you "need" to make life liveable

These can be expensive foods and food habits like I've described, or taking yourself regularly to the mall for a consumer pick-me-up. If you were committed to saving every extra penny to make a cherished dream happen - and were far more satisfied and inspired by your life as a result - what could you do without?

2) The stress impacts your wallet (and your body)

What things do you spend on to balance the stress of the life you're living? Do you go for regular massages because of constant neck or back tension? Do you regularly down a series of insanely expensive martinis on Fridays because you're so happy the week's over? Are you spending crazy amounts of money on high blood pressure or cholesterol medications (and possibly are en route to a heart attack or stroke) because of the high-stress high-fat life you're living that you don't fully enjoy?

3) You age faster - and spend money trying to reverse it

I got into the facial habit earlier this year (I'd never usually gone before) because a couple of very busy months and a winter cold spell had left me looking haggard. I know from previous experience that when I live a life I truly love (all the time, not just part of the time) and get plenty of play and rest, I naturally look years younger without anyone else's help. I know countless women my age who pay thousands of dollars for hormone assessments and all kinds of supplement concoctions, largely because of the effects of too much stress and self-deprivation along with a lack of sleep, good self-care and purpose-driven joy.

4) You need vacations to "get away"

In the early years when I was working full-time as a physician, I spent much of my income on frequent vacations (even going into debt sometimes to spend a month somewhere fabulous, as dangling that carrot in front of me helped me get through my highly stressful workdays). When I lived in Mexico, I didn't earn nearly as much but discovered I no longer needed big expensive vacations - or vacations, period - and ended up with money in the bank.

Afterwards, when I was back up north but spending much of my time on fulfilling non-medical work activities, I found that I still hardly needed to get away unless it was for strategic writing/reflecting vacations like the one I'm on now. In fact, these days I love my on-purpose authentic work so much that I have a new problem: it's almost impossible for me to voluntarily disconnect. I don't want to miss a wonderful new opportunity to do more of the same!

5) You eat emotionally

When I start craving cake and other junk or don't want to stop snacking in the evening I know something's up. It's usually because there's something I need to change or acknowledge in my life that I'd rather hide from. I've been craving things this week as I can sense a big leap coming and the part of me that maladaptively craves security is totally freaked out. Most people will automatically start eating (and usually things that are none too good for them, or make them gain weight) when they feel this kind of emotionally-driven compulsion to snack, rather than recognizing it for what it is.

When you make the choice to live more authentically, it can be accompanied by an initial bout of stress and insecurity, like I've just acknowledged. Ultimately though, the delicious and highly fulfilling power behind a dream will render obsolete all those self-defeating habits you've developed to help you stay in the life you have now.

6) You don't have time

When you're busy living a life that's not true to you, not only is it incredibly draining but all the time spent on things that prop you up or help you survive this existence means you have even less time to create positive change. Moving yourself forward in the way that you long to requires that you find the time to take the steps you need to take. Identify the things you're doing and buying that really aren't necessary, and clean them out of your life. Spending less means you don't need to earn as much, and that can automatically free up big chunks of necessary time (that's my personal strategy for moving to the next stage in my life and career).

So tell me - what are you spending time and money and life energy on in order to survive where you are? What can you eliminate, and what steps can you take to get your life going in the direction that you long for it to go?

Last section:

To learn more about how I took the big leap and moved to Mexico to pursue my dreams (note: everyone thought I was nuts), as well as for lots of tips on how to systematically create a more fulfilling life for yourself, check out my book Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com)

To receive weekly updates with my best information on how to create you’ll love, and to receive my complimentary special report on the Top 10 Ways to Balance Your Life and Boost Your Health and Happiness, sign up via the Prescription for Life ENewsletter box in the upper right hand corner.

And please come follow me on Twitter and Facebook

If you enjoyed reading this, I would also really appreciate it if you shared this article on Twitter and Facebook ,using the adorable buttons halfway up the left side of this page!

Finally, if you’d like me to personally coach you past your challenges and obstacles and into a life you’ll absolutely love, you’ll find more information at Live A Life You Love Coaching

I've written about being a Highly Sensitive Person on this blog several times now, and each time I'm amazed by the intensity with which people respond to this topic. There are always a few critics who belittle or question the HSP concept, yet based on the huge number of page reads and overwhelmingly positive (and often grateful) responses, there really does seem to be something to this HSP phenomenon.

I first learned of this relatively common but misunderstood trait - and recognized myself in it - via the work of psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron (for detailed info on her work in this area, as well as an HSP self-test, see www.hsperson.com ). According to Aron's stats, HSPs make up 15-20 percent of the population yet often don't have a name for what has made them feel or seem "strange" or "overly sensitive" their entire life.

HSPs are easily overwhelmed by stimuli, get stressed by loud noises and strong smells, are extremely perceptive, have rich and often intense internal lives, and need plenty of quiet and down time to maintain their equilibrium (and sanity, I would personally add).

It was a great relief to me to finally understand what was "wrong" with me. I now even had an explanation for why I find any kind of violence, even the fake Hollywood kind, so abhorrent. It's not easy to go to a epic action movie with friends and to be the only one sobbing after war scenes (despite having covered my eyes the whole time - having only two hands I'm not able to cover my ears and the battle sounds alone are usually enough to push me over the edge).

Knowing what I am has helped so much, especially when it comes to supporting myself through experiences that otherwise might overload my hypersensitive senses. Here, for you, are my top ten survival strategies:

1) Get enough sleep

Lack of sleep (less than 7 hours, for most people) is well known to produce irritability, moodiness, and decreased concentration and productivity in the average person. Given our already ramped-up senses, I'm convinced that lack of sleep can make a highly sensitive life almost unbearable. Getting enough sleep soothes your senses and will help you cope with an already overwhelming world.

2) Eat healthy foods regularly throughout the day

Aron points out that extreme hunger can be disruptive to an HSP's mood or concentration. Keep your edgy nerves happy by maintaining a steady blood sugar level through regular healthy well-balanced meals and snacks. I also take fish oil (omega-3) supplements daily as the brain loves these, lots of studies support their beneficial cognitive and emotional effects.

3) Wear noise-reducing headphones

A boyfriend introduced Peltor ear protecting headphones (usually used by construction workers, not pre-med students) to me when I was 19 and studying for exams. No matter where I am in the world I have had a pair with me ever since. HSPs are highly sensitive to noise, especially the kind we can't control, and my beloved headphones give me control over my personal peace in what's all too often a noisy intrusive world.

4) Plan in decompression time

HSPs don't do well with an overly packed schedule or too much time in noisy, crowded or high pressure environments. If you know you're going to spend a few hours in a challenging environment - such as a concert, a parade, or a crowded mall at Christmas time - know that you're likely to be frazzled after and will need to decompress somewhere quiet and relaxing, on your own if possible.

5) Have at least one quiet room or space to retreat to in your home

If you live with others, create a quiet safe place you can retreat to when you need to get away from people and noise. This could be a bedroom, a study, or even just a candlelit bath (or shower if that's all you have!). I've found it often helps to listen to quiet relaxing music as well, this can even drown out more jarring external noise when you need it to.

6) Give yourself time and space to get things done

I mentioned above that HSPs don't do well with a packed schedule. I've managed to structure my work life so that I work afternoon/evening shifts the days I'm at the medical clinic. This way I'm able to get out of bed without an alarm, eat a calm unrushed breakfast and putter around before getting down to business. The calm this gives me carries through my whole day. Another strategy for those who work in the morning might be getting up extra early (after 8 hours sleep, of course) to enjoy the quiet before the rest of the household wakes up.

7) Limit caffeine

HSPs are sensitive to caffeine - I usually can't even handle the traces of caffeine found in decaf coffee. If you're a coffee drinker (or dark chocolate junkie) and identify with the HSP trait description, giving up the joe might be a big step towards feeling more collected and calm.

8) Keep the lights down low

I've never liked bright lights and learning about HSP helped me understand why. Minimizing light stimulation goes a long way: I only put on low lights in the evening, and prefer to shop in certain local grocery stores which have gentle mood lighting, avoiding the garishly lit, crowded "big box" stores whenever I can.

9) Get things done in off hours

To avoid crowds and the associated noise and stimulation, I've learned to live my life outside of the average person's schedule. I grocery shop late in the evenings, run errands during the week whenever I can, go to movies on weeknights, and go out for my walks before the rest of the world hits the jogging path. An added bonus: by avoiding the crowds I usually get things done faster , and almost always get a parking spot!

10) Surround yourself with beauty and nature

Since we HSPs are so sensitive and deeply affected by our surroundings, envelop yourself with beauty and calm whenever possible. I've decorated my home simply in a way that's very pleasing to my eye, with minimal clutter and chaos. I also spend as much time as I can walking in nature, enjoying the quiet and its naturally healing and calming beauty.

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Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer.  She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada.  Her opinions  appear in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune.  She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca

I’ve been thinking and writing about the phenomenon of fear for years. Every time I think I’ve got fear figured out, I learn something new that can help me – and you, of course – to harness it and get better results than ever. In my own life and working with coaching clients, the focus is usually on getting past fear(s) and doing whatever it is that the fear stands in the way of. Recently, though, I read a blog post from Seth Godin which made me gasp. Its truth hit me like a wave of cold water: fear can be a much more critical, time-sensitive sign than we realize, and we may hesitate or shy away at our peril.

“By the time the fear subsides, it will be too late. By the time you’re not afraid of what you were planning to start/say/do, someone else will have already done it, it will already be said or it will be irrelevant. The reason you’re afraid is that there’s leverage here, something that might happen. Which is exactly the signal you’re looking for.”

Wow. So fear isn’t just something to deal with and get past. It may mean the moment is nigh - you need to take action now, because it signals that a window of opportunity has opened in front of you. The bells in the part of you that “knows” are clanging wildly, trying to get your attention and putting your mind and body on full alert. This means that getting past your fears and JUST DOING IT is more important than ever.

Here are a couple of other practical thoughts to help you harness and leverage your fears:

 1) Fear will show up EVERY time you’re growing or going where you dream of

Many of us think fear is a sign of danger, that if we feel any kind of fear it must mean something bad is about to happen and we should try to avoid it. This may have served us well when we were kids. Those who live this way feel fear and immediately stop, turn around, and run back to the soft cozy place they’re used to (as much as they complain about it or say they want to change things).

Note: there’s a difference between the fear of the unknown that comes from venturing into new territory, and the instinctual gut feeling that something isn’t right – if you ask yourself which one you are feeling I’m quite sure you’ll be able to tell.

I can still remember exactly where I was standing in my bedroom in Cabo, when I realized that the new anxiety I was feeling wasn’t a sign of trouble to come. I was taking some really big leaps towards my dreams, and would sometimes wake up trembling. Yet at that pivotal moment, standing to the left of my bed, I received a great rush of insight that the tingling of my nerves was actually more like the best moment in a good movie. The sweet tension increases and the soundtrack lifts and swells, signalling that something wonderful, new and beautiful is building on the horizon, just a few more triumphs around the corner. I’ve never run away from or worried about that kind of fear again – thank goodness, as I’ve gone some really wonderful places with that fear humming in the background, a constant companion tucked neatly away in my pocket.

2) Everyone who has done anything unique and wonderful was probably terrified much of the time, and very likely still is

I sometimes get unbelievably nervous before a speaking engagement or big dance performance, it can go on for weeks before the event. I had expected this to go away after a certain amount of on-stage experience, but it didn’t. This sometimes made me question why I agreed to do these events. Maybe in the interest of my sanity and my fight-or-flight nervous system I should be on stage less often? I got the answer to this recently, and it wasn’t at all what I expected.

A few weeks ago, before a big flamenco show, I mentioned my fear to a renowned flamenco performer. “It drives me crazy,” I told her. “There’s nothing like performing, but every time I have a big show coming up I get so nervous that I wish I hadn’t agreed to it. Of course, after the performance I’m on an absolute high and can’t wait to do it again. Am I insane?”

She laughed and told me that after decades of performing around the world, she still got incredibly nervous and also often asked herself why she tortured herself this way. “I know now that as an artist I don’t have any choice but to endure the fear,” she said. “In order to experience the high of dancing for a crowd, which for me is the best feeling in the world, I have to get through the weeks of agony and worry that might precede it. It can happen with even the smallest, least prestigious of events, I’ve learned to accept that that’s just the way it is.”

I was amazed by this admission, and I’d bet you’d be shocked to know how many people you admire, including the most successful people in the world, regularly experience fear. To confirm this theory, I asked another dancer I met, a leader in one of the top ballet companies in the world, if she ever got nervous. She told me that whenever she has to develop a new choreography, she can’t sleep because she gets so anxious about whether she’ll be able to pull it off. Just like the famous flamenco dancer, this continues after decades of working at a world-class level! She still worries about it?!

Conclusion: Success doesn’t appear to immunize you against fear, so don’t expect it ever to fully go away. This was a huge revelation for me.

What are you thinking of doing, or changing, or saying in your life that causes your body to hum with fear at the mere thought? What does this mean that you need to do now – or at the very least this week or sometime very soon! Let’s all grab hands, take a big breath, and jump!

You'll find more tips on how to create the life you long for, by moving past your fear and other obstacles, in my book Live a Life You Love - 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You ( see www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com ).  If you'd like some help moving you and your life forward and would like to talk to me about the possibility of being your coach, I'd love to hear from you! You'll find more information about my coaching work here and can contact me by emailing susan@susanbiali.com .

Find me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrSusanBiali  

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I’ve been thinking and writing about the phenomenon of fear for years. Every time I think I’ve got fear figured out, I learn something new that can help me – and you, of course – to harness it and get better results than ever. In my own life and working with coaching clients, the focus is usually on getting past fear(s) and doing whatever it is that the fear stands in the way of. Recently, though, I read a blog post from Seth Godin which made me gasp. Its truth hit me like a wave of cold water: fear can be a much more critical, time-sensitive sign than we realize, and we may hesitate or shy away at our peril.

“By the time the fear subsides, it will be too late. By the time you’re not afraid of what you were planning to start/say/do, someone else will have already done it, it will already be said or it will be irrelevant. The reason you’re afraid is that there’s leverage here, something that might happen. Which is exactly the signal you’re looking for.”

Wow. So fear isn’t just something to deal with and get past. It may mean the moment is nigh - you need to take action now, because it signals that a window of opportunity has opened in front of you. The bells in the part of you that “knows” are clanging wildly, trying to get your attention and putting your mind and body on full alert. This means that getting past your fears and JUST DOING IT is more important than ever.

Here are a couple of other practical thoughts to help you harness and leverage your fears:

 1) Fear will show up EVERY time you’re growing or going where you dream of

Many of us think fear is a sign of danger, that if we feel any kind of fear it must mean something bad is about to happen and we should try to avoid it. This may have served us well when we were kids. Those who live this way feel fear and immediately stop, turn around, and run back to the soft cozy place they’re used to (as much as they complain about it or say they want to change things).

Note: there’s a difference between the fear of the unknown that comes from venturing into new territory, and the instinctual gut feeling that something isn’t right – if you ask yourself which one you are feeling I’m quite sure you’ll be able to tell.

I can still remember exactly where I was standing in my bedroom in Cabo, when I realized that the new anxiety I was feeling wasn’t a sign of trouble to come. I was taking some really big leaps towards my dreams, and would sometimes wake up trembling. Yet at that pivotal moment, standing to the left of my bed, I received a great rush of insight that the tingling of my nerves was actually more like the best moment in a good movie. The sweet tension increases and the soundtrack lifts and swells, signalling that something wonderful, new and beautiful is building on the horizon, just a few more triumphs around the corner. I’ve never run away from or worried about that kind of fear again – thank goodness, as I’ve gone some really wonderful places with that fear humming in the background, a constant companion tucked neatly away in my pocket.

2) Everyone who has done anything unique and wonderful was probably terrified much of the time, and very likely still is

I sometimes get unbelievably nervous before a speaking engagement or big dance performance, it can go on for weeks before the event. I had expected this to go away after a certain amount of on-stage experience, but it didn’t. This sometimes made me question why I agreed to do these events. Maybe in the interest of my sanity and my fight-or-flight nervous system I should be on stage less often? I got the answer to this recently, and it wasn’t at all what I expected.

A few weeks ago, before a big flamenco show, I mentioned my fear to a renowned flamenco performer. “It drives me crazy,” I told her. “There’s nothing like performing, but every time I have a big show coming up I get so nervous that I wish I hadn’t agreed to it. Of course, after the performance I’m on an absolute high and can’t wait to do it again. Am I insane?”

She laughed and told me that after decades of performing around the world, she still got incredibly nervous and also often asked herself why she tortured herself this way. “I know now that as an artist I don’t have any choice but to endure the fear,” she said. “In order to experience the high of dancing for a crowd, which for me is the best feeling in the world, I have to get through the weeks of agony and worry that might precede it. It can happen with even the smallest, least prestigious of events, I’ve learned to accept that that’s just the way it is.”

I was amazed by this admission, and I’d bet you’d be shocked to know how many people you admire, including the most successful people in the world, regularly experience fear. To confirm this theory, I asked another dancer I met, a leader in one of the top ballet companies in the world, if she ever got nervous. She told me that whenever she has to develop a new choreography, she can’t sleep because she gets so anxious about whether she’ll be able to pull it off. Just like the famous flamenco dancer, this continues after decades of working at a world-class level! She still worries about it?!

Conclusion: Success doesn’t appear to immunize you against fear, so don’t expect it ever to fully go away. This was a huge revelation for me.

What are you thinking of doing, or changing, or saying in your life that causes your body to hum with fear at the mere thought? What does this mean that you need to do now – or at the very least this week or sometime very soon! Let’s all grab hands, take a big breath, and jump!

You'll find more tips on how to create the life you long for, by moving past your fear and other obstacles, in my book Live a Life You Love - 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You ( see www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com ).  If you'd like some help moving you and your life forward and would like to talk to me about the possibility of being your coach, I'd love to hear from you! You'll find more information about my coaching work here and can contact me by emailing susan@susanbiali.com .

Find me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrSusanBiali  

Follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drsusanbiali  @drsusanbiali

This past weekend I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen in a while. When I asked him how things were going, he said "Terrible! People keep using me and betraying me lately, it's really got me down." Though I'm not quite as descriptive when someone asks me how I am, I've been examining a similar pattern in my own life.

My response to him was this: "That's awful, but let me ask you something: Did they show signs early on that perhaps they couldn't be trusted?"

He hung his head. "Yup. Every time."

I said, "Let me guess - you didn't do anything about it at the time, right? You just kept going because you were so excited about the possibilities and didn't want to see what you'd seen. You told yourself that you probably were wrong or over-reacting. If they gave you explanations for what they'd done or said, you gave them the benefit of the doubt because everything else they did indicated that they were a good person. You told yourself that it would be fine and that they were fine..."

Now he became animated - "That's exactly it! I always do that! I've GOT to stop doing that!"

So do I.

Though I'm a life and wellness coach, that doesn't mean I don't need coaching myself most of the time. In fact, most coaches agree that every coach should have their own coach. I have several, depending on what's going on in my life. Lately I've been working with a wonderful coach who has revealed the most amazing insights regarding relationship patterns. I see these patterns so clearly now that I might actually be done with these self-defeating habits, or will at least catch them much earlier. I know that many, like my friend above, experience similar challenges, so I'm hoping my insights will help you, too.

CHANGING YOUR RESPONSE TO RED FLAGS

Usually, our problem isn't whether or not we see the red flags. Though there are some very subtle warning signs or manipulative techniques that impurely-intentioned people may use that I've learned about from my coach, most relationship red flags are pretty obvious. The moment of truth may pass across our ears, eyes or heart in a flash, but we usually notice it. It's what we or our psyche decide to do with this information that matters most.

Recently, I got into an awkward situation with a friend. Things took a certain direction, not initiated by me, and as momentum picked up I got more and more uncomfortable. One of the concepts that my coach reinforces continually is that our instincts are rarely wrong, and that we need to act on them more. Normally I might have labelled my discomfort as indicating that there was something wrong with me - e.g. maybe I need to "loosen up" my worldview, perhaps I'm just too sensitive or anxious, etc. My coach suggested that my discomfort in this situation might actually be my intuition trying to get my attention. She suggested I talk to my friend about my concerns.

Now this made me REALLY uncomfortable. "No, it's okay, I'm sure it will be fine, let's just forget it." I said to her. "I'm overreacting and probably being silly. I really don't want to offend this person and probably shouldn't bring it up."

Her tone of voice got very serious, very quickly. "That's the problem, right there. Until you start changing the actions you take in response to red flags, you're always going to get the same results. The red flags are not the problem. It's what you DO with that information - which is usually nothing - that gets you into trouble." I heard it said recently that truth has an unmistakable ring to it. When she said that, the bells in my head started clanging like a five alarm fire. She was right, I had to do what I was most afraid to and talk to my friend about my concerns. Once I did, everything would probably turn out to be fine and I would laugh at myself for ever having worried about what might happen.

I talked to my friend, and the response was jaw-dropping. My chin still hurts from the impact. The words I got in response to my carefully worded feelings made it disturbingly clear that this person didn't care very much about me or my well-being in the situation. I was totally stunned by this discovery (though my coach, when she heard what happened, laughed knowingly). My gut had also clearly known, which was why I had been starting to feel so uncomfortable. It wasn't a very pleasant experience, so I could understand why I historically had preferred to confront red flag realities.

That said, based on the nature of what had been going on I had probably averted an even worse outcome that might have occurred had I just gone along with things. Short term pain, long term gain.

Can you relate to what I'm talking about? When your gut speaks to you that something's wrong, despite everything appearing "fine" according to outside appearances or explanations, do you listen to it above all else? When your gut tells you that something someone just did or said isn't right, even if they did it with a smile on their face or while telling you how much they love you, do you pay attention? Or is it easier to focus on the smile and the "love" and just keep going?

I don't know about you, but I can't afford to. In the moment it's not much fun to listen to your gut or consciously acknowledge the truth, especially if it means being deeply disappointed, losing a friend or circle of friends, or having to stop going in a direction that at first seemed wonderful and full of promise. But the avoidance of future pain and the life-giving better choices that can be made instead, are truly worth celebrating.

You'll find more information on how to rescue and revitalize your relationships in Step 4 of the seven step program described in my book: Live a Life You Love - 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You www.LiveALifeYouLoveBook.com.   If you'd like some help moving you and your life forward and would like to talk to me about the possibility of being your coach, I'd love to hear from you! You'll find more information about my coaching work here and can contact me by emailing susan@susanbiali.com . 

Find me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrSusanBiali  

Follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drsusanbiali  @drsusanbiali

Most of us know how and what we're supposed to eat. Aside from a handful of surprising nutritional discoveries each decade (most of which just give us information about which already-established-as-healthy foods are slightly better than other similar foods), we've know for a long time what's good, what's not so good and what can be downright disastrous.

Some people have pretty good reasons for not being able to eat as well as they could - economic challenges can prohibit the purchasing of more expensive "healthy" foods, as can lack of availability and access. However most of us have access to plenty of healthy food and still struggle to eat in a way that would fill our bodies with vibrant health and energy. As in so many areas of life, our psychology or way of thinking about the issue can block us and keep us in unhealthy and self-sabotaging habits.

This morning my mom forwarded me an email, a list of cancer-fighting nutrition tips which supposedly came directly from the hallowed halls of Johns Hopkins University. I doubt that's where they actually came from, but I still read it out of respect. Twenty years ago, back when few people were talking about nutrition and cancer, my mom dedicated herself to studying it and successfully warded off an aggressive form of breast carcinoma. I was surprised by how much some of the points affected me. I know about all them but still, as I read them I felt a little chill go through me.

I have a degree in Dietetics in addition to my M.D. and probably eat better than most, but I'd been letting things slip lately. I usually don't like fear-mongering, but sometimes the only thing that'll get us to shape up where we need to is a little (or big) scare. Here are some points from the email:

1) We all have cancer cells in our body, right now

True. Our cells are constantly dividing and cancer-producing errors happen regularly. This is happening in your body right now, and the way that you eat affects whether they get stopped or keep multiplying.

2) When your immune system is strong the cancer cells will be destroyed, preventing them from multiplying and forming tumours

Yup - and what you eat directly affects your immune system. You need high-quality protein to build immune cells, and nutrient dense foods rich in vitamins, minerals and antioxidants are critical to maintaining and pumping up the strength of your immune system.

3) When a person has cancer it indicates that they have nutritional deficiencies

Whether a person develops cancer depends on various factors. Genetics, environment, toxin exposure, lifestyle, etc. all play a role. However, few of us eat in a way that would optimally protect us against cancer, so it is quite likely that anyone who develops cancer probably didn't do all they could nutritionally to prevent it. Most of us, including myself, don't fully harness the power of whole foods to promote and maintain health. I usually manage 5-7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day - but 10? Not so easy, especially with a busy life on the run.

4) Starve cancer cells by not feeding them the foods they need to multiply

This immediately brought to my mind the possible link between sugar and cancer - much of the most recent literature on this subject doesn't support a strong relationship between sugar consumption and the "major" cancers, though there is some evidence that it's linked to development of less common cancers such as cancer of the esophagus. Regardless, this reminded me of a study I came across a while ago that showed that sugar slows immune cell function in vitro, that can't be a good thing! Plus there's a whole host of other reasons to watch your sugar intake, as a reformed sugar junkie I constantly struggle with this one.

The email specifically mentions red meat consumption as being associated with cancer risk. There's a lot of research out there that supports this theory, though it's not clear just how big the impact really is.

5) To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try and drink fresh vegetable juice and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are destroyed at high temperatures.

This is one that made me stop cold. Though I don't advocate an entirely raw food diet, there's no question that fruits and vegetables in their raw form are packed with good things. Without realizing it, because of my busy life - and the tendency for fresh vegetables to go bad in my fridge during particularly takeout-heavy weeks - I'd gotten in the habit of relying on cooking from a huge stash of frozen vegetables to help me get my necessary servings in. Though some would argue frozen veggies are more nutrient dense as they get frozen right after picking, there's usually plenty of fresh local produce available in stores.

I've been relying too much on cooked vegetables - I need to get more fresh ones into my fridge (and mouth) again. So there it is. I know more than most why I need to eat in a way that ultimately prevents most major diseases and cancer, but I can slide into bad or less than optimal habits just like anyone else. Can you relate? The next time you're tempted to cut corners, it might not hurt to remind yourself of the handful of cancer cells potentially lurking in your body that need to be cut off at the pass. Send a big colorful salad their way and your whole body will thank you.

P.S. In my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You, I also describe a simple way to eat that not only helps you lose weight, but keeps you looking years younger and dramatically reduces your risk of developing a wide variety of diseases.

Facebook: www.facebook.com/DrSusanBiali  

Twitter: www.twitter.com/drsusanbiali    ( @drsusanbiali )

Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer.  She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada.  Her opinions  appear in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune.  She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York).

 

The second week of February is Eating Disorders Awareness Week in countries around the world – normally I wouldn’t know this, but I’ve been invited to speak at a fundraising event this year for Hope’s Garden, an Eating Disorder Support and Resource Center.

When they originally invited me to speak, it was because they were looking for an uplifting and hopefully inspiring headline act for their event.  They didn’t know that I’d suffered in the past from not one, but two eating disorders! 

I’ve written about my various challenges with food in another post on “How To Stop Overeating”. Though that article and the chapter about food and nutrition in my book, Live A Life You Love contain useful information that I’ve applied with success in my life and the lives of others, the typical relationship with food is still very complex – there are always more layers to be peeled back and understood.

You have probably heard of the book “Women Food and God” by Oprah favourite Geneen Roth.  I’ve been familiar with Roth’s work for years, including the fabulously titled “When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair”.    I recently bought her latest book in an airport on my way back from a speaking gig, and sat down with it at Starbucks with a steamed vanilla soy milk and a muffin (by the way, this is in direct opposition to Roth’s Eating Guideline No.3, “eat without distractions”, which I still have a tough time following!).

Much of the book contained information I already know and practice (most of the time, anyway) but it did make me even more curious than usual about the meaning of food in my life.  I frequently talk about identifying what it is that is driving you to eat something for reasons other than true hunger – Stress? Loneliness? Anger? Boredom? After reading Roth’s book I was inspired to understand the meaning of the very food itself.

I soon had an opportunity to practice – a staff birthday party at a medical clinic where I work part time.  They handed me a piece of cake, and even though it was a fairly unappealing concoction of greasy fake whipped cream layered with unsatisfying dry yellow cake, I downed it in seconds.  Almost immediately after I started to get a headache, noticed the unwelcome unease of a cheap sugar rush, and regretted having done it.

Roth’s book emphasizes digging deep to discover the roots of your relationship with food, so I did.  I stared at the empty whipped cream-smeared plate and asked myself what it represented.

It came to me immediately: “fun”.

I didn’t want to miss a piece of cake, because to me the cake was the party.  A piece of cake was a party on a plate.  Even if it wasn’t the kind of fun I really wanted, even if it was sure to give me a headache, I was afraid of missing out on any kind of fun.

I was fun-deprived.

My life didn’t have enough fun in it, I had been working too hard, and the thing that I was identifying as being a source of that badly needed fun was an incredibly poor substitute for the real thing. Accompanied by a ton of fat, sugar and unnecessary empty calories to boot.  All because of a lie I had told myself, an association or story I’d probably created around cake decades earlier. If you read any of my writing about food, you will note that I’m always talking about my issues with cake! I used to be able to eat an entire one in one sitting, and I’m not talking about an entire piece – I mean an entire chocolate cake.

Not that I (or you) can’t ever have cake, I enjoyed a piece of divine homemade cake with some friends just the other night and it was fabulous.  I was really having fun with those friends, so the cake wasn’t the source, it was just a bonus and a lovely accompaniment.  But now I have a deeper sense of where that deep passion for cake comes from, and what that longing might be telling me about my life when it shows up.

If you have a problem controlling your behaviour around a certain food or foods, to the degree that it causes a negative impact on your life, try sitting that food in front of you and asking yourself what it represents to you.

What is that food giving you?  Comfort? Peace? Something to do to get through a lonely night? Stress relief after work?  When and how did it become that for you?

The food may indeed accomplish those things in the moment as you’re eating it, but if you feel guilty or terrible afterwards, and wish you could stop eating that food in that way, it would serve you well to look at fulfilling that need in a different way.

What else would give you true comfort without side effects?  A warm bath? A great movie? If you’re lonely, what could you do that would truly help you fill that void?  Could you call a friend instead, or make a spontaneous date for coffee or a visit?

I absolutely agree with Roth that we need to be detectives about understanding our relationship with food, until we understand it so well that we can’t trick or lie to ourselves anymore.  And once we realize how we have been using food and what it has been doing for us, we can find a healthier and much more effective way to take care of ourselves in that area.

To read more about my own journey with food, and my recommendations on how you can learn to eat in a way that lets you enjoy better health, energy and even slows aging (without feeling deprived), see my book Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You.

Join Dr. Biali’s Facebook Community: www.facebook.com/drsusanbiali

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Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer.  She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada.  Her opinions  appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune.  She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca

The last few days, much of my time has been invested in negotiating a complex extended family situation.  Many things have been said:  lots of hurt feelings expressed; cries of righteous indignation rising from all camps; and general agreement on the surprising range of differences of opinion and perspectives.

It reminds me of the days I spent in ethics courses and workshops as part of my medical education. A controversial case would be given to two different groups - one group’s job was to argue for it, the other against it.  It was eye-opening and somewhat disheartening to observe that in even life and death situations the dividing line between right and wrong can be frustratingly blurry and biased by personal perception. In almost any conflict of opinions, there tend to be strong, deeply held justifications backing the actions of either side.

Most of the members of my immediate family are very verbal, and we work out conflicts through long debates and much analysis. In doing so we let off steam, say things that need to be said, try to understand the other, try to make ourselves understood, on and on it goes. We favour this means of conflict resolution so strongly that if we’re not careful we could go around in circles indefinitely, dissecting layer after layer until every subtle intricacy of the problem is understood and resolved. This might be good in theory, but in real life it wastes a lot of time and energy. I know I’m not the only who ended up behind on commitments this week because of all the to-ing and fro-ing.

Then one family member who was involved but wasn’t actually part of our immediate family had an interesting response. At a key point, they expressed their opinion: “I’m willing to just forget all this and move on.” 

Wow – could we really do that? What if as a group, we could acknowledge that each of us had messed up in our own way, that each participant regretted any distress we had caused to others, and that we would give each other a fresh start?

The convolutions of all our different arguments, offenses and perspectives suddenly seemed so insane compared to this crisp, clean concept of wiping the slate clean and starting over.

This might not always work – in situations where the offenses are of a very serious nature, there might be a need for more intense work or investigation into the situation. But in our case, it really was a comedy (tragedy?) of simple misunderstandings, missed opportunities, miscommunications and hurt feelings all around.

I was reminded of those famous words about love: “Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs”. Whoops.  I had definitely been keeping a record of wrongs (in some cases without giving the person in question the opportunity to know that I had felt wronged in the first place), in fact I seem to do so quite often.  

Is there anyone in your life who you’ve been keeping a tally on?  When they do something that seems unfair to you, or you find yourself in an argument with them, do you automatically bring up a list in your mind (or remind them out loud) of all the other things they’ve done, too?

Is there a relationship you could bring peace to by wiping the slate clean?  This doesn’t mean ignoring any hurtful or offensive actions in the future – in my situation, we have agreed from now on to let each other know when things upset or offend us, so that we can discuss and resolve it on the spot.  Hopefully by doing this things won’t ever reach such a boiling point again.

I know how good it feels when someone doesn’t hold my outrageous mistakes against me (and I have made too many to count).  Who can you release from the judgment of the times they’ve been human and have disappointed or offended you?

In my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You, the fourth step is about how to “Rescue and Revitalize Your Relationships”. There are some very effective strategies and techniques I write about which help you peacefully and productively navigate challenges and conflict in relationships. Unfortunately I forgot to apply some of them this week! Live and learn - the learning never stops, and that’s a good thing.

Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer.  She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada.  Her opinions  appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune.  She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca