Tracy Brown's Blog

Life is like a party. Some of the people get out on the dance floor and give it all they've got! Others get on the dance floor and just do a simple two step while they snap their fingers. The rest of the people at the party choose to stand at the bar, or line the perimeter of the dance floor, watching.
The ones on the sidelines are there for a variety of reasons. Some of the side-liners are physically unable to dance. Others are just comfortable there, preferring a laid back approach. They choose to be on the sidelines, and enjoy themselves reclining in lounge chairs or perched on bar stools. Others stay away from the dance floor because they are afraid they won't be good at it. So they never try to dance. As the side-liners watch the dancers, sometimes a strange thing begins to happen. The people who have chosen not to dance - particularly the ones who have opted out because of fear - begin to mock the ones who are dancing. They make fun of their movements, their expressions, their appearance.

This ridicule sometimes causes the dancers to grow self-conscious. They start to lose some of their confidence, and start second guessing themselves. Some may even quit dancing altogether, joining the ranks of the people on the sidelines. But, the people I love are the ones who keep right on dancing, oblivious to the crowded sidelines. They couldn't care less what anyone on the sidelines is thinking. They're too busy looking for new partners on the dance floor or they're swept up while they're dancing solo. They keep on dancing, moving, swaying, unfazed by the mockery.

People who choose not to get out on the dance floor should never laugh at those who do. Even if they're offbeat or have two left feet. Even if they look a little crazy, or they don't do it the way you think it should be done. At least they're out there dancing. They're on their feet, making moves, swaying sometimes to a rhythm all their own. That takes courage. More courage than it does to stand on the sidelines and laugh or talk $#&!. I want to show love to the people on life's dance floor. I see you out there grinding, maneuvering, and trying new things. Don't worry about how you look or what people say. Continue to dance like nobody's watching. As long as you're giddy and breathless at the end of it all, you've done great. And for those on the sidelines - whether by choice or not - be an encourager of the dancers. Or be quiet. Because until you've danced yourself, you can't tell us how it should be done. ((Drops mic))

I have a colorful vocabulary. Always have. But, the more I mature, I am making a conscious effort to watch the words that I speak. Words have power. The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue. So I'm doing my best to keep my potty mouth in check. Especially during this season
when many of us are praying and fasting as we approach the holy days. But I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be. And  a few recent scenarios have me embracing one taboo word in particular. The word is " bitch ".

Truth be told, I've always had an affinity for the word. I grew up in a household where curse words were as common as words like "the", "it", and "you". My parents used curse words as adjectives and nouns.

"Put the f*%$ing bag down!"

"Go ask your father what to do with that $#*t!"

"Mother#@&*%$! never learn!"

These were not unusual phrases during my upbringing, and depending on the inflection of the speaker's voice they may not have even been uttered angrily. Needless to say, I seldom cringe when I encounter people who use curse words in their everyday lingo. Still, I have learned that such language doesn't always have a place in society.

On an episode of "Iyanla Fix My Life", I watched as she admonished a group of women, insisting that they would not use the word "bitch" to address each other in her presence.

 "NOT ON MY WATCH!" she bellowed!

I felt convicted. "Bitch" was a word I have often used as a term of endearment for the women I love! I've been known to walk into a room full of my girlfriends and say, "Heyyyy, bitches!" Not in a negative way. But out of love and affection. So I listened closely as Iyanla gave her reasons for not allowing the word in her presence. She reminded the women that our mothers, grandmothers, and ancestors were often referred to as "bitches", "wenches", "niggers", and the like by their employers and neighbors, and that they were powerless to do anything about it. She insisted that these women - and women in general - not repeat that pathology. I took note. Clearly, what I had seen as a term of affection was quite the opposite.

So, I started to check myself. Then I ran into someone I know and the whole situation reared its head again.

I had taken the express bus home from Manhattan one evening, and was walking down the block heading towards my house. I ran into a guy I know. He's someone I know fairly well. But, we have never been particularly close. One of those "hi" and "bye" people we all have in our lives. I had my headphones on listening to A Tribe Called Quest.

 (Their latest album "We Got It From Here"   is FIRE, by the way.)




I was in my zone. Anyone who knows me is aware that when I walk down the street with my headphones in, I'm in my imagination ALL THE WAY! The sidewalk becomes my runway. In my head, there are paparazzi everywhere and they want a show. I strut when I'm in that zone. That evening was no exception.

As I got closer to this guy I know fairly well, I lowered the volume in my headphones somewhat - just enough to hear over the music. I said, "hi", and gave a wave as I walked past him. Then all hell broke loose!

As I passed him, I could hear a commotion so loud that it drowned out the music playing directly into my ears via my headphones. I slowed down and turned around to see that this guy was exhibiting quite demonstrative body language. I stopped, pulled my earbuds out of my ears, and asked, "What happened?"

"I'm saying!" (He was clearly PISSED and his body language displayed that.) "You didn't know who I was or...something!" He was being really demonstrative and... extra !

I frowned. I said his name. "XXXXXXX, right?" Maybe I was bugging and thought he was someone else.

He was still puffed up. "Yeah!"

Now I was really confused.  "Okay," I said. "I said hi to you."

"Yeah! 'Hi!' and kept walking like you don't know who I am. Like I didn't grow up with your kids!"

Now, I could sense that he was angry because he felt that my greeting hadn't been enough. "Hi" wasn't suitable all by itself. I stood speechless for a moment.  I looked at the guy he was standing with, hoping that he would look as confused as I was so that I would know that I wasn't crazy. The guy looked like he wanted to stay out of it.

"But, XXXXXXX," I said. "I spoke to you. You're acting like I walked by without speaking at all. What's the matter? You want a hug?"

He shrugged, still clearly miffed. "Yeah! I'm saying..."

I hugged him. Then I walked away. As I did, I thought back on all of the years I've known him. To be fair, he did grow up in the same general areas as my kids. They never played together. Never went to each other's houses or anything like that. I thought about the last time I saw him. It hadn't been that long ago. And my "hi" had sufficed then. I wondered what was different now.  In fact, as I thought about it, in all the years that I had known him, "hi" and "bye" had always been the extent of our relationship. I could not recall one conversation between us that ever went beyond that. I was perplexed as I entered my house. My sons were home. I told them what happened. Their reactions mirrored my own shock. My oldest son said this.

"Ma, why did you hug that clown? You have to learn to be a BITCH!"

My eyes flew wide. There was that word again. Seeing my reaction, my son clarified his statement.

"You're too nice. People are gonna start testing you with stuff like that. You're all the way up! They see that. You gotta learn to shut them down when they act like that. You should have looked at that fool, and said, "N*gga, I said hi! Now bye!"


I let that marinate, as I went upstairs and continued to think about it.  Am I supposed to stop in the middle of my travels and hug every person that ever grew up with one of my kids. I have three children, and each one has countless friends. Is a grand overture required every time I encounter one of them? I pushed it to the back of my mind and carried on.

 Then I went to brunch this past weekend with a dear friend. She has been incredibly successful and has achieved quite a lot for herself. She has also guided her son into a remarkable career of his own.
We discussed the art of saying "no" to people who feel entitled to you once you become successful. I told her that I have a fear of people thinking I'm arrogant or that I forgot where I came from. Her response made me nearly spit out my Bellini.

"I don't give a f*&#!" she said. "I used to. But then I stopped caring. People are going to think what they want. You can bend over backwards and they'll still have their opinions. So now I don't care. I say no, I mean no, and that's that."

I nodded. That was the attitude my son had been alluding to. Being a "bitch" not just for the sake of being mean. But instead adopting an attitude of not caring whether or not the person I'm dealing with likes my stance. I felt liberated. Here was a woman who had long been on a road that I am just beginning to travel. And she was giving me permission to pull out my inner bitch when necessary.




noun
1.
a female dog:
The bitch won first place in the sporting dogs category.No. Not THAT kind.

3.
Slang.
a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person,especially a woman.
That's definitely not the description I'm going for. Finally, I went to the urban dictionary.


A woman that doesn't give a flying f*ck anymore 


BAM! There it is! Sorry, Iyanla!

(Cue Missy Elliot song! )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opkRF3UZSJw

A strange thing happens as we begin to change.



Recently, I made the decision to sever a friendship that had existed in my life for more than twenty years. I met someone at a time when I was really vulnerable and despondent. That person was an angel in disguise for me, and helped me to develop confidence in myself. The person I knew then was sweet, gentle, caring, and kind. Over time, though, things have changed. The person I know now is cynical, bitter, and undoubtedly different. In fact, both of us have evolved from who we were back then. I find that neither of us truly enjoys each other's company anymore. Instead, we've just been sort of going through the motions in order to maintain the familiarity of the relationship. Doing just enough to maintain contact. But, neither of us are fulfilled.


Last night, while watching the latest episode of "This is Us", I saw this situation illustrated perfectly. Jack told his wife that he loved her. She retorted, "What do you love about me? About the me that I am RIGHT NOW. Not the me that I was when we first met."  He struggled to answer the question. Because, truthfully, he had been saying "I love you" more out of habit than out of the truth in those words.


The shift can happen for a number of reasons. Maybe we enjoyed a person's vulnerability but are not as in love with their confidence. Or maybe the relationship saw one person as provider and one as recipient. When those tables get turned, it can be a game changer. But, whatever the reason, once the relationship changes we owe it to ourselves to face it. Often times we say "I love you". But without any action behind it, the words are empty. Loving someone requires effort and movement. You have to demonstrate it, not just mouth the words. Anything else is just lip service.

The problem with walking away from relationships where love no longer exists - well, the problem for me, at least - is the concern over being perceived as unappreciative. As if by ending an empty relationship it negates all the years when love did exist. What if I am perceived as being ungrateful or disloyal? What will people say? But, these types of questions can force us to remain emotional hostages! They make us slaves to other people's thoughts and opinions. We should never remain in relationships solely out of obligation to some standard of loyalty. Life is too short for that.

Often, as we rise in our lives, we're plagued by guilt over the people and things we're forced to leave behind.

As I've said before, people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime. And it ain't always what we think it is. Some who we thought were "lifers" are actually seasonal. I'm learning to go with the flow, and to trust that God's plan is more perfect than my own. I'm learning to view people's actions far more than their words. People say a whole lot. But, I watch what they do. And when they don't match up, I'm accepting the truth in that - even when it hurts.

More importantly, as I grow, mature, and evolve, I'm making room for more meaningful relationships with real love.  And in order to make room for new things, we have to get rid of the old sometimes. But, saying farewell doesn't mean forgetting the past.

Recently, at a friend's party I ran into an old friend from back in the day. We grew up together in the projects - a place that is very gritty and void of much glitz or glamour. As we chatted together - now as adults with children, grandchildren, and a whole bunch of life experience under our belts - I caught him frowning at me. Turns out he was offended by my use of the phrase "clutching my pearls". I had used it to illustrate my surprise at something. But, he seemed utterly disgusted. "Clutching your pearls?" he repeated, mockingly. "Ain't you from the projects?"


Of course I am. That's where I grew up, and it will forever be woven into the fabric of who I am. But, does that mean that I am forever confined to the vernacular and mannerisms of the projects? Does growing up mean selling out? Is it a crime to move forward, to mature and add new layers to ourselves? I smiled and assured him that I am certainly from the projects. But that's not the totality of who I am. I'm also a wordsmith, a lover of colorful phrases, and a woman who is constantly growing. After the shock wore off, I realized that there will always be people who are offended by your evolution. People who want to hold you to who you were when they met you. People who can't watch you move forward without reminding you where you started. Especially if where you started was at the bottom. And that's cool. The bottom is a great place to start. The problem comes when you are content to stay there.

Saying farewell - whether it be to an old friend or to an old neighborhood - doesn't mean forgetting where you came from. We can walk away and still carry the history. People and things can be gone but not forgotten. The lessons learned, the laughter shared, and the memories made remain. Even after the love has gone.

And that, to me, is better than just going through the motions.

As I sit down to write this, I am angry. Furious, really. I feel powerless, I feel frustrated. I feel unheard. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. It happens every time ANOTHER black person is slain by an officer whose very job description is to protect and serve. I experience this same dreadful, crushing, suffocating sadness each time a jury fails to indict or convict the officer(s) involved. Each time, the family is paid off. Told that there will be no justice, but, "Here's some cash. Now go sit down and get over it." As if once again, we are on the auction block. Told the value of our bodies, of our minds, of our very lives. They put a price on us, and we have no say in the matter.  It hurts. I look at the victims and I see my brothers. My sons. My daughter. Myself.











I listen to the cries of the wives, mothers, sons, and daughters of those who were slain by law enforcement and it devastates me. I have marched alongside my sons in search of justice. I have signed many petitions. I have posted and reposted videos and pictures on social media. I have used countless hashtags. I have prayed, and cried, and I am tired of it. NOW, I want to do something. Marching hasn't worked. Rioting only resulted in the destruction of our own communities. SOMETHING has to happen. But, what? Do we fight? Do we organize and form our own schools, banks, and businesses? Do we just keep praying? Was Malcolm right? Was Martin? Who do we look to now to lead this new civil rights movement? I come up void of any answers.

I watched as the families of those slain in a church in South Carolina publicly forgave the murderer. I watched as Bree Newsome bravely scaled the state capitol building and took down the Confederate flag. And I watched as they put that flag back up. And, I watched as the defense attorney for the murderer of those nine people in South Carolina asked a federal judge to dismiss the charges. I listened as one prosecutor after another announced that there would be no indictment, no conviction, nothing. And now the pain in anticipation of justice denied AGAIN feels like a dull ache in the center of my chest.

The center of my chest...the place where the bullets entered Alton Sterling's body when those cops murdered him in Baton Rouge. I feel an ache in my head. The top of my head, where another cop shot Mike Brown . I feel shortness of breath. The way Eric Garner did as the cop choked the life out of him. The way Jordan Davis gasped for air as the bullets pierced his lungs. The way Sandra Bland was strangled. Ramarley Graham. Sean Bell. Amadou Diallo. Akai Gurley, Freddie Gray. Too many to list. Too much bloodshed. Too much pain. Too many families grieving. Too many black lives snuffed out.

I spent the day wondering what it will take to change the way blacks are viewed in this country. For every step forward, we're pushed back ten. Oprah Winfrey is beloved by ALL of America. Barack Obama was elected to not one but TWO terms in office. Beyonce is the "sister in our head" to women all over the world, and the object of desire for men of every race. Yet each of these people are viewed by the masses as "exceptions to the rule". It seems that many believe that Oprah, Barack, and Beyonce aren't typical black people. That's what makes them lovable. They're "different". I'm willing to bet that even some of my own non-black peers may view me as some type of phenomenon. 'Surely, the mass majority of black women are like Nene Leakes. But Tracy's not like that!'   The truth is I know a few "Nenes". And I know a few "Michelle Obamas", too. I know a few "50 Cents" and I know a few "Baracks". The problem is that when we encounter law enforcement, all they see is BLACK. And for whatever reason - no matter who's fault it is - the response to them seeing BLACK is fear. Or maybe it's hate. Whatever it is, it results in the deaths of black people at an alarmingly higher rate than anyone else.




With no way to express what I'm feeling, I've taken to social media in search of like minded people to commiserate with. I'm searching for the same outrage I'm feeling to be echoed in the hearts and minds of my social media "friends". I'm finding solace in our shared pain. However, at first I'll admit that I hesitated to speak out. I didn't want my white friends to think that I hated them. It doesn't take long for our stance of being pro-black to get misconstrued as being anti-white. But, I was reminded of the words of Jessie Williams as he accepted his Humanitarian Award from BET a few weeks ago.


"The burden of the brutalized is not to comfort the bystander. That’s not our job. " ~ Jessie Williams

I realized that I had to say something. In fact MORE of black entertainers - writers, singers, rappers, actors, fashion designers, athletes, and talk show hosts - need to use our platforms to bring awareness to the problem. We need to start the conversations that will eventually change the minds of the ignorant. Because what good am I to my community if I don't use my voice to speak up on our behalf. I stopped worrying about offending my non-black friends. If they love ME, they have to love my blackness. It's a major part of who I am. There's no separating the two. Before the world sees me as a writer, a mother, a daughter, sister, friend, or even as a so called American, they see me as a black woman. That is the heart of who I am. I love the diverse backgrounds of all my friends. It doesn't offend me to see them show pride in their culture or unity with their community. If the same can't be said in return, good riddance.

But, despite all of the conversations online and face to face, I still feel powerless. I'm still afraid each time my children encounter law enforcement. I still worry that my sons' blackness is apparently against the laws of this country. This afternoon, I prayed with my brother Nigel, who reminded me that as a Christian, I am required to turn the other cheek. I know that's true. I know it in my heart, in my mind, in my Spirit. But, it doesn't erase this feeling of helplessness. God knows my heart. So He knows that I am honestly SICK of turning the other proverbial cheek. I am sick of praying for those who shove guns in our faces and murder our children for what they wear, how they listen to their music, or for just having the audacity to question why they are being harassed. God knows that I am FED UP! And I suspect that many of us are. I am sick of being passive. Sick of newly created hashtags that we only add to the countless others circulated in recent months. While my brother Nigel quoted scriptures like 'Do not let the sun go down while you're still angry.' and 'Love is patient. Love is kind...', I closed my eyes and assured myself that he was right. What I'm feeling is not Christian-like. But, the scripture I keep hearing in my head is 'A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for WAR, and a time for peace.'

I don't know if this is the time for war. I do know that I am sick of being peaceful while others wage war against us. And I know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called INSANITY. So we should not expect that creating hashtags and marching (peacefully or not) will bring about change.

Once we get past all of our rage, our fear, our frustration, and sadness, we have to find a way to make a change. I don't know how we do that. So rather than ending this blog with a solution, I'm asking you...what now? How do we change the tide of racism and fear in this country? How do we make the words "black lives matter" more than just a cute hashtag or catchphrase? We need to find a way to have ALL communities treated equally in this country. We need police who care about the people they are paid to protect and serve. Not police who are fearful, hateful, or drunk off power like poor whites in the south who oppressed blacks in order to feel more superior than somebody. Police cannot be in our communities parading around like overseers keeping wayward slaves in line. Those days are over.

Or are they?

IN STORES EVERYWHERE 11/17/2015!Pre-order your copy today at www.authortracybrown.com

The release date is quickly approaching! I'm so excited for you to read the story, and catch up with Born, Jada, Sunny, and the gang. SO EXCITED, in fact, that I'd like to share an excerpt with you.

Click the link below for a sneak peek at "White Lines III: All Falls Down"! Let me know what you think in the comments below.

http://smarturl.it/WhiteLines3

My daughter and I are directors of a non-profit organization (We Are Ladies First, Ltd.) that mentors young women in our community. We agree that our cause is a worthy one. Take one look at the behavior of many of the young ladies in our neighborhoods, on our social media timelines, or in the music videos that permeate the airwaves, and it becomes clear that there is a problem. While we agree on the existence of the problem, we hold very different viewpoints on what the solutions are.
Recently, my daughter launched a campaign online using our organization’s Instagram page. She encouraged women to channel their inner “Rosie the Riveter” and post photos of themselves in the iconic pose. The overall message was “Girl Power!”  While I champion that message, the image sparked an interesting discussion.


Jokingly (or perhaps only half-jokingly), I stated that I'd rather not roll up my sleeves and get my nails dirty. "Let the boys do that," I said. My daughter gave me a side-eye and questioned my statement. The word “feminism” came up, and she asked whether or not I considered myself a feminist. I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be absolutely sure of the meaning. So I looked up the word.
fem·i·nismˈfeməˌnizəm/noun1.    the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.
We agreed that both of us are advocates for women’s rights. Women should be allowed to run for political office. We should be allowed to vote, to run companies, and to earn equal pay for equal work. But that seemed to be all that we agreed on. My daughter maintained that women should have the right to participate in male contact sports such as football in a co-ed capacity, as long as they have equal skills to their male counterparts. She argues that Rhonda Rousey could realistically FIGHT Floyd Mayweather if a such thing as coed boxing existed. I asked her if she would be okay with Floyd punching Rhonda in the face during a boxing match, and she said that she would be fine with that. I would not. Call me crazy, but whether they are equal in height, weight, and even physical agility there should never be an occasion for a man to physically fight a woman. Even if she steps in the ring and invites it. 
My daughter also insists that there are no gender specific toys, activities, games, or jobs. Her belief is that little girls should be allowed to play with cars, and action figures and that boys should be allowed to play with Barbies and nail polish. She lectures me at length about my inability to work a power drill, open a tightly closed jar, or change a flat tire. When her three year old daughter stated that “football is for boys”, my daughter’s outrage was immediate.
Meanwhile, my views are a bit different.  I think it’s natural for children to identify certain things as gender specific. Pink is for girls. Earrings are for girls. Hair ribbons, nail polish, ruffles, glitter – all for girls. Matchbox cars are for boys. Football, wrestling, ice hockey, and rugby are for males, in my opinion. My views are more traditional. In a perfect world, I believe that both males and females should be able to work outside of the home for equal pay if they possess equal abilities. Once back at home, though, I am comfortable with a man who takes out the trash, makes home repairs, shovels snow, and maintains the cars. In return, the lady should maintain the household, be the main caretaker for the children, and add those feminine touches that make a house a home. When I go to the nail salon, it used to be an exclusively female crowd. But not anymore. When my sons used to go to the barber shop, there used to be an exclusively male crowd. But these days, those things are no longer true. 


I'm disturbed by this trend. While I may be in the minority, I believe that feminism shouldn’t be about trading in our Jimmy Choos for combat boots. I like my Jimmy Choos. I don’t want to play every role in society. Instead, I’m comfortable in my femininity, and I am attracted to men who are comfortable in their masculinity. I don’t want a man who acts like a woman. And the man I’m meant to be with will be comfortable with me and all my dainty ways. He should open doors for me, and pull out my chair for me at the table. He shouldn’t assume that I’m one of those women who would see those gestures as demeaning or condescending. In some cases, I wonder if chivalry is dead because women unintentionally killed it with our staunchly independent stance.
The more I talk about this with my friends and family members, the more I realize that I am one of the few women who hold this viewpoint. Many of my married girlfriends pull up a chair at the table every night to enjoy a meal their husbands prepare. Both spouses work outside of the home, yet it’s the husband who does the domestic work - preparing all of the meals, doing the children's hair, even sewing. This arrangement works perfectly for them, and they have enjoyed long, happy marriages. For all I know, these women may change tires, wield power tools like a skilled professional, or shovel their own walkways. I don't claim to have all of the answers. In fact, I could be completely old fashioned in my thinking. What are your views on feminism? Is my daughter right? Am I right? Or is it as I suspect – that the truth is somewhere in the middle? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let’s keep the conversation going.
P.S. I smell a future novel here. J













                                                                   

On November 17th, readers will be reunited with Born, Jada, Sunny, Zion, Olivia, Frankie, Baron, and all of the characters from the "White Lines" and "Snapped" series! Available soon for pre-order right here at www.authortracybrown.com.

A few questions for my avid readers:

Who is your favorite female character - Olivia (Criminal Minded/White Lines), Jada (White Lines), Sunny (White Lines), or Gillian (Snapped/Aftermath)?Who is the sexiest? Born (White Lines), Dorian (White Lines), Zion (Criminal Minded), Baron (Snapped/Aftermath), or Frankie (Snapped/Aftermath)?Who do you think will emerge victorious in "White Lines III: All Falls Down"? Who will lose?What was your favorite scene in a White lines/Snapped novel? Thanks for your support! Stay tuned for updates, excerpts, and giveaways leading up to the release this fall!

I love to write. There’s something liberating and poetic about expressing one’s thoughts, emotions, and fantasies in words. But, even greater than my love of writing is my passion as a reader. I adore those rare moments when I pick up a book that turns my whole world on its ear, and makes me see things from a fresh perspective. Recently, I reread one such gem. The Alchemist by Paul Coelho is a book whose message is simultaneously simple and multi-layered.
 Throughout the journey of the story’s protagonist, the reader is made to reflect on our own pilgrimage through life. Reading it, and then rereading it, forced me to examine my own rhetoric, and face my fears. We all like to think that we’re living our lives to the fullest, and fulfilling our purpose. But, if many of us are honest with ourselves, we’re really doing the bare minimum. Squeaking by with minimal effort, not giving life our all. Reading The Alchemist opened my eyes in unexpected ways. `It changed my thinking, and made me examine whether or not I have truly been living by my own mantra: “Dream BIG!”
 

I say the phrase all the time. It’s something I have drilled into the heads of my children, the young ladies I’ve mentored, and anyone who follows me on social media. “Dream BIG!” In many ways, I’ve demonstrated my commitment to this mantra in my life. As a young lady navigating some of the roughest parts of New York City, I dared to dream that I could get out of the projects and provide a better life for my children. I did that. I dreamed of becoming an author, traveling, and I’ve done those things. But, until I really dug into the message of The Alchemist, I wasn’t truly dreaming BIG. I was dreaming within my own comfort zone, afraid that if I dared to long for something greater that I might be disappointed. I was thinking too small.


The story follows a young shepherd’s search for his own Personal Legend – the destiny he’s meant to fulfill in life, and his own personal treasure. His journey made me examine my own voyage toward the same things. Along the way, the shepherd met several people who factored into his destiny in different ways. There were those who discouraged him from dreaming too big, warning him that disappointment could result if he was unable to reach his goal. He encountered those who envied his ability to dream, when they had long ago given up on having dreams of their own. While reading the book, I thought about those who settle for a life of mediocrity; doing what they have to do in order to have the appearance of success, all the while feeling unfulfilled deep inside because they never had the courage to truly go for it.
I had to admit that I was one of those people. I was settling for a life of comfort, predictability, and ordinariness, when I knew all along that I’m capable of so much more. I got caught in the trap of getting comfortable in a place where I was only meant to rest for a brief moment. It was just a rest stop on the road toward something so much greater. Like the shepherd, I had to find the courage to leave the “crystal shop” where I was working and venture out into the “desert” toward my own Personal Legend.  

 
I think there’s a book out there for each of us that has the potential to rock us to our core. This book was it for me. It felt like some wise elder sat me down and said to me, very frankly, “Snap out of it! There’s a huge unclaimed reward out there with your name on it. Go get it. Stop being average. Life should never be average.”

It woke me up; gave me the courage to abandon the trappings of a pretty comfortable lifestyle for the chance at going full throttle as a writer, a visionary, a storyteller, and a trailblazer. It pushed me to stop thinking small, settling for a safe bet, when the very scent of possibility is delicious to me. I was born to take risks, to seek the adventure of new beginnings and to challenge myself to grow as the woman God created me to be. The Alchemist lit a fire inside of me.
I suggested the book to my book club, Between the Lines, and our discussion was so rich. Each of us has been on a personal journey of growth as women, albeit in different ways. We were all able to gauge some inspiration from the book. For some of us, the book spoke volumes, revolutionizing the way we view the ups and downs of life. For others, the message was less poignant. But, all of us walked away from it with the reminder that everything we seek is on the other side of fear. Once we face our fears in pursuit of our dreams, immense treasure awaits. Happiness is found.
William H. Gass said, “ The true alchemists do not change lead into gold; they change the world into words. ”
 I like to imagine that I will reach the level of excellence as a writer that I might be considered a true alchemist. What I know for sure is that I’m more determined than ever to try.

I'll admit that I'm cynical about romance nowadays. As a single woman in the "new millennium", I'm not overly optimistic that the men I come in contact with will be prone to spontaneity or over the top romantic gestures. You know, the kind of romance that existed back in the day. Love letters, flowers for no reason whatsoever, surprise weekend getaways, long walks - that type of romance. As I observe the dating practices of my fellow single ladies, I'm dismayed. Is this what it's all come down to? Texting, "liking" each other's Facebook or Instagram posts, changing one's status on social media from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship".  Is that what courtship has become in the internet age?

I was beginning to think that the characters I write about and read about in the works of other authors, are the only ones still practicing the public romantic overtures that every woman dreams of. In literature - and even in films - a man might go the extra mile to profess his love for the woman he loves. But in the real world, most men don't go all out because they don't have to. We (women) haven't required them to. I often say that men  in society only behave the way that they do because women allow it to continue. I was beginning to feel like I was the only person left who still longed for the good ole days!



But that all changed recently, when I visited the page of a Facebook friend and bore witness to one of the most heartfelt and romantic marriage proposals imaginable. The bride-to-be, a mother of three girls, was surprised with an entire production involving scores of family and friends who gathered together to help the groom-to-be create the perfect atmosphere. A series of events unfolded involving karaoke, cheerleaders, and a choir comprised of the bride-to-be's closest friends. And then it happened. In a room packed with their loved ones, many of them teenage girls, the groom-to-be got down on one knee and tearfully proposed to his lady. And she said yes! If pictures are worth a thousand words, it was easy to understand why this romantic overture served as assurance to me that romance is not yet dead. (Maybe it's on life support. But it ain't dead yet.)

    

Along with a group of women whom I love and admire, I've recently embarked on a mentoring program through which we hope to make a difference with the young girls in our community. I feel very passionately about it, and I am excited to spend time sharing the lessons I've learned with young ladies who can hopefully avoid the same pitfalls. As we prepare for these sessions, I've been much more aware of how complicated it must be for these young ladies to navigate their way through a world obsessed with social media and the allure of the Internet. And I've been more sensitive to what messages we're sending to these young ladies through the things that they see in movies and on television, and the lyrics and images they're exposed to in music and videos.

I watched the BET Honors a few weeks ago, and smiled as Smokey Robinson paid tribute to Berry Gordy. This was the music I grew up listening to with my father. He would pull out his .45 rpm Motown records and teach me the lyrics to some of the best songs ever written.

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May. I guess you'll say 'What can make me feel this way?' My girl!"  ~ The Temptations

That's the type of song that my father might have played if he was trying to woo a  young lady in his day. MY HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

"How many drinks would it take you to leave with me? Yeah, you look good. And I got money. But I don't want to waste my time."  ~ Miguel

That's the type of song that either of my sons might sing to a girl at a party. And, sadly, that girl might be flattered, smile, and give him her phone number. She might mistake that for romance. That's how I know that our girls are in trouble.

Gone are the days of slow grinding in a dimly lit basement to "Unchained Melody". Now, the deejay plays "Pop That", and all the guys have to do is stand against the wall and watch the show that the girls put on in the center of the dance floor. Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not in any way, shape, or form a member of the sector of society who eats with their pinkies out and looks down their noses at those who are having fun in their midst. But, I do believe that there is something to be said for modesty. When women put all of their physical attributes on display in public for men's pleasure, it feels demeaning, disrespectful, and cheap even for those of us who are just watching on the sidelines. It begs the question, how can a woman expect to be taken seriously by a man if she parades herself around in public like a two dollar whore? The answer is simple. It won't happen.

In a previous blog post, I wrote, "If you can change the minds of women, the men will follow suit. For example, if every woman decided that we require men to treat us with respect, the men would open more doors, pull out more chairs, and be more chivalrous. But as long as we tolerate, "Yo, yo, ma! Let me talk to you.", the disrespect will continue."  I believe this with all of my heart. It's the difference between being treated with the respect we deserve versus being treated like a "thot". (According to my 22 year old son, "thot" is the new term for a whore. Synonyms include "ho", "tramp", "slut"...you get the picture!)

As I scrolled through the pictures on Facebook of this beautiful and emotional marriage proposal, my faith in the survival of good, old-fashioned romance was restored. I smiled as I looked through one photo after another. And what made me most happy as I viewed those pictures was knowing that her three daughters and all of the young ladies present had witnessed the proper way for a man to ask a woman to spend her life with him. All of them will likely never forget bearing witness to such a fantastic proposal. Maybe every man won't be as creative as this groom-to-be. But, the bar has been set very high for all of the women present - both young and old. And I pray that they will turn their noses up at the next guy who quotes misogynistic song lyrics to them, or who approaches them with anything less than the utmost respect.

As our mentoring group "Ladies First" prepares to embark on our monthly sessions, our goal is to have a profound impact on how they view themselves. We want them to get the message that they are queens, who are worthy of love, respect, and a guy who will express his feelings for them with no shame. Lord willing, we'll achieve that goal, one girl at a time.

To follow the progress of "Ladies First", visit us on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/ladiesfirstltd), Instagram (WeAreLadiesFirstLtd) and Twitter (@_ladies_first). 

"I believe that when women succeed, America succeeds!"   ~ President Barack Obama during his 2014 State of the Union Address


Recently, I had the privilege of enjoying lunch at a local diner on a snowy Saturday afternoon with my daughter and granddaughter. It was a blustery day, and the diner was nearly empty due to the snowstorm outside. We slid into a booth near a window and took full advantage of having our waitress' undivided attention. While we enjoyed a nice meal and some good conversation, little Madison sat coloring a picture. Times like that are so precious to me. I adore all of my children. But, there is something so wonderful about the bond between a mother and daughter (and now a granddaughter). The bond that I share with my two sons is unmistakable. But there's no question that my only daughter holds a special place in my heart that is all her own. As we chatted, I marveled at the fact that she has grown up so much over the past couple of years. She is a mother, a wife, an employee, a sorority sister, and so much more. I'm proud of the woman that she's becoming, and equally proud of the excellent example she is setting for her own little girl. 

We discussed an idea that she had a few years ago, before motherhood and wedded bliss entered the equation. The idea was to impact young girls through a mentoring program. I told her that I strongly believe that if the women in society change, the whole society will fall in line. If you can change the minds of women, the men will follow suit. For example, if every woman decided that we require men to treat us with respect, the men would open more doors, pull out more chairs, and be more chivalrous. But as long as we tolerate, "Yo, yo, ma! Let me talk to you.", the disrespect will continue. She agreed. After all, even "relationship expert" Steve Harvey asserts that men only do what women let them get away with doing. And most of what men do to achieve success - getting jobs, driving fancy cars, grooming themselves, buying nice clothes - is done for the purpose of attracting women. Even the devil himself approached the woman in the Garden of Eden, aware that if he could get her to do his bidding, the man would follow suit. 



Somewhere along the line, women have gotten it twisted. Ladylike, poised, elegant women became nearly extinct, while a generation of twerking, half-naked, loud and vulgar females desperate for attention multiplied. I turn my television to VH1 Classics and watch Whitney Houston sit on a chair wearing a turtleneck, and singing her heart out. I watch Sade, dressed modestly, belt out her tunes. I see Queen Latifah dressed like royalty as she raps about U.N.I.T.Y.  Then, I turn my television to BET or MTV, and I see Nikki Minaj wearing a platinum blonde wig, a cut-out bathing suit, and little else as she raps poolside. I see Miley doing all kinds of f*ckery involving a foam finger. I see Rihanna doing a strip routine that makes even ME blush (and I write some pretty racy scenes in my novels, so making me blush is no easy task!). I see even our beloved Beyonce rolling around in the sand while singing about riding her man like a surfboard. When I step outside of my house, I see young girls imitating all three women in varying degrees. 






While I can't knock these artists for doing what they do to make a living, I can't help but notice that there are plenty of positive examples to choose from. For whatever reason, there aren't many young girls modelng themselves after Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, or Michelle Obama. There aren't many girls striving to be the next Gabby Douglas, Jennifer Hudson, or Emma Watson. Those stars, all of whom possess phenomenal talent, just don't get as much shine as the rump shakers. Wonder why that is. 
So, as I sat with my daughter and granddaughter discussing the state of emergency that's taking place among young girls, we decided that it's time to do something about it. Talk is cheap. We agreed that we could sit there all afternoon citing example after example of young ladies with potential who were being swept away up in a climate where video vixens and porn stars are rewarded with TV shows in primetime. So we set a plan into action right then and there. 


For the next hour, as the waitress refilled our glasses and checked on us from time to time, we sat there in that diner and mapped out a course of action. We agreed that the young men need help, too. But the odds of young guys listening to two pint-sized ladies lecturing them about life are slim to none. Our focus is on the girls. Girls like me who were teen moms. Girls like my daughter Ashley, who rebelled against...everything until she got it out of her system. Girls like the ones whose Facebook posts scream, "LOOK AT ME!", when all they really want is for someone to validate them. Over the next few weeks and months, we'll put our plan into action, in the hopes that we can reach even one young lady and help her change the course of her life before its too late. Because what Hollywood doesn't tell them is that it may be "cool" to be Kim Kardashian in the celebrity world. But if you're just an average Jane, and you've got the same number of notches on your belt as Kim does, you're going to be labeled as a garden tool. And the men won't be fighting to defend your honor as much as they'll be putting you down. 
Having a daughter in her twenties is a constant reminder of the generation gap. Every generation has one. My mother and her peers would sit around and shake their heads at us as we rapped along with Lil Kim. Now my girlfriends and I shake our heads as we watch young ladies nowadays making spectacles of themselves in an age of social networking. But head shaking isn't enough. It's time to do something. So, we are leading the charge to reclaim dignity among young women. In the next few weeks and months, we will be putting our plan into action. We believe that is the first step in changing the course of an entire generation. 
I'm challenging all of you who are reading this blog post to start right where you are. Maybe you don't have the time to start a whole new organization. But, you can make a difference in one young lady's life in your family or community. The next time you see a ratchet Facebook post, instead of gossiping about it, DO SOMETHING about it. Send a private message to that young lady and gently correct her. Offer her another way to get the attention she desires. It takes a village, after all. 


As our president pointed out in his State of the Union address, when women succeed, America succeeds. Let's make a conscious effort to remind the girls in our midst that they are powerful. They are queens. They deserve respect and chivalry. They are worthy of love. But they must love themselves first.