DeWitt Rowe's Blog: Writing for Healthy Conversation

In discussing “Failure: A Valuable Assistant” by Sandra F Carrington-Smith, with fellow authors, it gives me the opportunity to share closing thoughts from my chapter “Don’t Let Someone Make your Extraordinary Ordinary,” on success and failure. I end the chapter on this note:

“I don’t want you to feel like a failure for not meeting someone else’s expectations when they are not trying to accomplish anything for themselves. When you exclusively live for what others expect of you, you lose yourself, your sense of self worth. When that happens, you stop hearing your own voice, stop trusting yourself, cease to value yourself, and most times, you lose focus and balance, which is why I say, “Don’t let someone make your extraordinary ordinary.” Be extraordinary for you first, and then share it with others should you choose. If you find that they don’t appreciate it, keep appreciating it for yourself. Keep working hard and exhibiting the work ethic that best suits you. Do not stoop or downgrade your work to fit others’ wants or needs. Do not let people diminish your accomplishment by looking past it onto the next thing they would like you to achieve. What you’ve done is great now. It is your moment, too, even if they are the greater beneficiaries. In the best way possible, pause and revel in the moment. If the relationship permits, remind the other person that it isn’t to be taken lightly because he or she doesn’t know what it took for you to get there, and there aren’t any guarantees that you’ll get there again. The end product is a reflection of who you are and the measure of excellence you stand for. If that particular person doesn’t see it for what it is, be proud of what you’ve accomplished, and maybe, if not today, the right person will recognize your accomplishment for what it is—extraordinary.”

Earlier, I talked about the number zero in relation to emotional balance and peace of mind. I did so to settle my mind into focus on what I'd like to accomplish over the couple of days and months. I did so understanding why spending some time alone is essential for success. I did so because I didn't want to lose my train of thought by entertaining random thoughts that have nothing to do with my goals. Sometimes when I'm speaking, marketing the book, or blogging I may want to share something and my thoughts are so poignant and to the point that I should write them down as they are. Unfortunately, I look up and entertain something else ... and just like that ... my thoughts are jumbled. Or that so many other things need to be sorted out that I can't get back to my original thought. I don't lose the thought, but I lose the manner in which I felt it was best for me to say something clearly and effectively. And of course that's not limited to writing. For anyone shooting for success in some manner or another, you need to be single-minded and focused. Your mind needs to be at peace to be expressed in words or action effectively. So the piece of mind you wish to share needs your peace of mind to be shared. I wish you a balanced mindset in your endeavors and ask for your support in maintaining mine.

In my debut book, The Conversation That Matters Most, I converse with the reader about the number zero as it relates to emotional balance and peace of mind. Zero is looked as a good place to be metaphorically, as a return point, resting point, and barometer for measuring emotional stability. Here is an excerpt from the chapter. I hope you enjoy...

"If a scale doesn't work, use a linear graph where positive and negative values are recorded and measured. In either case, there's a point where there's a zero value, and that's at the center of each scale or graph. At this center, you have neither more on the left nor more on the right, no more positive than negative, but balance. We too have this center, this zero value within ourselves, where we are levelheaded, and our ability to be rational is heightened regardless of the emotional trigger. It's not as exact as a scale, but it is here at this balance point where you are self-assured, self-controlled, and prudent. Sometimes, at lunchtime, I go outside and sit in the park adjacent to the Hudson River. There are days when the wind is soft, the sun is shining but not too bright, and the water is still. There isn't a disturbance of any sort in the park. The ambience is so relaxing almost to the point of perfection. I sit back without a care or worry in the world. I am balanced. Here, I'm at zero. Okay, so if that imagery doesn't work for you, how about this one: My college education was costly, as it is for most people. After ten years of paying back my deferred student loans, I made my last payment in the fall of 2005. As I received my payoff letter, I sat down for a few minutes relieved, calm, and at peace. I no longer had this obligation to meet. I didn't have to worry about being on time or factoring it into my budget. The bill was at zero. And in this instance, I realized that "zero wasn't such a bad number after all." It's a good number to be at. It's a positive place to start from or return to. In some cases, it means peaceful and balanced, and in others, zero means clean slate and a new beginning. In either way you look at it, this zero represents healthiness, and that's a condition we all could use a lot more of."

Everything is under way. The book is finished and the Kindle files are awaiting approval. Although excited I am still somewhat anxious. Any phase of publishing is very different than the first phase of marketing. My book is listed on Amazon. It tickles me. Life couldn’t be grander or could it? As a first time self-publishing author I cannot believe how much fear and doubt has set in. Hundreds of thousands of books are published each year? Publishing through Amazon won’t deliver the book to people much better if no one knows it’s out there? How much MARKETING must I do? Why don’t some of the online booksellers respond? Am I doing enough? How will people respond? So many questions that I have started to lose sleep…a lot of sleep. I don’t even want to think about how people will respond to the book. I want them to enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I ask for advice…go left. I ask some more…go right. I spoken to a handful of people that are very genuine about helping me with advice sold through a book. But then again maybe I was talking to the wrong people and listening to the wrong voice. I started this process as a way to shed the skin I’ve been raised in, raised myself in, and living in to start new. It was the first step in going my own way, trying something new, and doing something that felt right for me. The writing process wasn’t easy so why did I think the marketing would be. I realized that as I finished one part, I needed to begin another and this next part would require me to be ingenious, creative, and try things I hadn’t tried before. I believe in this book. I have faith in those common threads that connect people to one another. And by talking to other people and seeing the similarities in their experiences, I can hear my own voice again. The voice that tells me to press on, that reminds me of how much I enjoy the possibilities of experiencing the world through talking with others, to keep finding peace within myself, the hard work and my dreams. So as I struggle, sometimes as we all struggle to obtain something meaningful to us, I say do not give up or give in. It’s the end of today. I am alone at night working. I’ve done all the searching. I’ve reached out to a list of vendors. It’s now that I hear no one else’s voice but my own and it’s telling me to continue on this path forward and that’s all that matters. I think I’ll listen some more…

Some time ago I spoke with a friend and despite my efforts to have a positive conversation about a series of things, he just wouldn’t allow me to have a nice talk with him. If we talked about the job, he wanted to talk about conspiracy theories and gossip. If we talked about news, the despair in Haiti superseded anything anyone could be experiencing in their personal lives. He was cynical and skeptical about everything from the media to his family to the government’s intentions. Regardless of what I said, he just wasn’t going to let up with the negative banter. I turned to CNN and I watched 30 seconds of the disaster in Haiti not because I wasn’t interested but I felt the media coverage was a little too graphic. I realize well enough that people are dying; I just feel like some of the coverage on television or in the media should be with more dignity, compassion, and privacy. I wouldn’t want anyone I love or know to go through anything horrific, globally or personally, and see it spelled out in detail in the morning newspaper. And what are the effects of all that information? We keep it. We bathe in it. We share it with others. So instead of trying to cope and heal, we take all of the negative information and replay it over and over again to a point of unhealthiness in ourselves. This is where writing for healthy conversation comes from. It comes from wanting to help people cope better, see alternatives, and increase our outlook on life despite seemingly difficult times. It comes from rejoicing the one door you have opened to you for an opportunity rather than holding onto all the doors that were closed. I’ll be the first to admit that writing a book for publication wasn’t well received by many of the people closest to me. That’s okay. I had to accept that not everyone sees the world the way I do or the way you’ll see it. But I met you and many other people who have become mentors, encouraged me to do well, and embraced this positive movement. I just happen to believe there are opportunities out there for us if we can look past ourselves to see them. Trying and failing is nothing compared to failing to try. We can become healthier. I just know it.

One of the main reasons I started writing was to stop all that was swirling around inside of my head. For all of the rough days I’ve had with others, I carried even rougher times in my own head. How much time should pass before you forgive a wrong? How can you move on when so much around you still looks the same? Am I too sensitive? Are things to serious? Even if you distance yourself from everyone, you’re at some point of any day alone with yourself. And seemingly that’s where the trouble lies. Or the solution begins…”The Conversation That Matters Most” isn’t a long book. I tried to be as concise with whatever I was going to say as possible. I needed to have a better conversation with myself and reflect on how much responsibility I was placing in everyone else’s hands for making my life better. The answer is too much. It’s my responsibility to talk myself into action and take better care of myself. I need to set realistic goals and be reasonable. Although difficult, it’s not impossible. Everyday is a new day to begin. Today I move forward with a different first step.

I am in the last few stages of preparing the Kindle files and planning an official launch for my book "The Conversation That Matters Most." Although nervous, and anxious I am finally stepping out of my head and into the literary world. As the day approaches I would like to say thank you to everyone who inspired me to carry out my own personal greatness. Reading the blogs and seeing what other people are writing about and saying really brightens my day and reminds me all that I am grateful for. It also reminds that I am not alone and sharing in these forums indicates that. My book focuses on rethinking our approach to success when things haven't gone as planned. It highlights the need for healthier conversation with others but more importantly yourself. Healthy conversation meaning innocent, sincere, without cynicism and bitterness, really aimed at solutions instead of more problems. It has been a challenge at times, writing a book (as this is my first) but it definitely has been rewarding and enjoyable...like you knew this was something you had to do. As I become more involved in the networking community I look forward to connecting with others and being committed to causes bigger than myself. There has been an overwhelming need to find my purpose and figure out ways to help others without losing myself or giving so much away that I am no longer healthy. I appreciate having someplace where you can contribute to conversations that are genuine and encouraging. I look forward to reading and sharing as much as I can in the near future. Thank you

On May 3, 2010 I pushed the "publish button" and the structure of my on-line Amazon page is coming to life. I feel reflective, calm, at peace almost. Aaah, who I am kidding, I feel giddy and so excited. Can you believe it? I wrote a book. I have published a book and it is so exciting. I finally get to share with others in my own voice the way I wanted to. I haven't laid out my suit for Oprah yet. Nor have I written an acceptance speech for my collection of literary awards and I don't plan to. "Critically acclaimed!" "Times Bestseller!" I didn't get that far. Actually, I went further. I know that so many of us would like to do well as we offer our work to a world of readers but I have to be a little more selfish about this accomplishment. "The Conversation that Matters Most," is an extraordinary accomplishment for me. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. I fought off writer's block, setbacks, and a lot of other distractions (most of which I placed in my way). So before I receive any praise or criticism from anyone else, I am very proud of myself. I saw this project through to fruition. Everyone may not understand it the same way, or appreciate it the same, but it was written genuinely and from the heart, which is something that cannot be exchanged for a review. Over the next few weeks, my blogs will compliment the chapters of the book and offer a little more perspective on my approach. I didn't want the book to be long. I wanted it to have substance and personality but not long and I definitely didn't want to preach. I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone who would listen about the topics that were on my mind as I've seen them affecting others. And that's what the book is about, Conversation. I wanted to write for "Healthy Conversation." Whether reading, writing, or talking we'd could come together and make some aspects of our lives better. If you have anything you'd like to ask or discuss please do. I'd love to hear/read from you.