Eric Thompson's Blog

It was 2017. In addition to a full-time job, I was serving on the board of a three-site church, and coaching 2 of my kids’ basketball teams. It was a busy time! If you have kids-especially older ones-you get it.

LOOK AT THAT FACE

Sometimes doing “nothing” together is everything to a little heart.

I remember days I’d get home from work, Sarah would throw together a quick meal, and we’d eat in the car while trying to figure out which soccer game, basketball practice, church function, or family event we were meant to be driving towards. It was a season in life when we learned how to get intentional to carve out family time to connect with each other.

In the middle of that busy season, I had built a playhouse for the kids-a 9’x10’ shack built on stilts with a ladder up and a slide to come down and wanted to add a drop down bunk to make more bed-space to spend the night out there.

Our youngest-little three-and-a-half-years-old, Matthew-had high hopes to “help” me with the project. If I sounded like wonder-dad with all that stuff above, let me clarify, that’s a window into my life that you’re getting from the internet. My life is full of mistakes, lazy moments, failures and inadequacies, just like anyone else.

Case in point, on this day, sweet Matthew came outside asking, “Dada, can I help you please?”

To which I replied, “Sorry, buddy, but I’m all done.”

Cue the tears. Now, any three-year-old crying after missing a project with their dad would be sweet. In this case you’d have to understand, if you lined up my three children at that same age, Matthew’s tears were the ones that most resembled some combination of a newborn kitten and a precious moments doll. Saddest. Face. Ever.

Suffice it to say, if his sad little cheeks and round eyes didn’t reach your heart, you probably needed to change your name to The Grinch.

But what could I do? I’d finished the project and now I’d have to walk a dejected little boy back inside. Then I realized. He just wants to do any project with you. Just make one up!

I grabbed two pieces of scrap wood and explained to him. “You see this wood here?”

Wipes a tear from his eye. “Uh huh.”

“Buddy, I need these two pieces of wood to be held together really tight. Do you think you can help me with that?”

Face curls into a slight smile. “Uh huh.”

So I grabbed a deck screw and an impact driver and we put those two pieces of wood together. The result, as you can see above, was a beaming little boy whose heart was full. What I saw was two pieces of junk wood. What he saw was connection with his father. He saw he was valued. He saw companionship, priority, worth and a place to belong. He was claimed. He was mine and we worked together.

Sometimes, all our kids crave from us is time together. We think, “I’ll create family time next Saturday, or a week from Wednesday.” When is the last time you just made a cup of tea and said “how was your day,” to one of your kids? What about running a simple errand together? Maybe a game of cards?

Whatever it is, know that you don’t always have to do big things to fill your children’s hearts. In fact, sometimes the simple and the little will be more effective. The bottom line is, it’s your presence they crave. The simple act of being present means the world to little hearts.

Don’t take my word for it. Look at those eyes in that picture. Those are the eyes of a little one who received nothing. And everything.

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It’s been 13 years and I still grin when I see her in my mind.  The little chubby-cheeked angel who’d come into my life looked up at me from her high chair.  Abby was around one-and-a-half and showed it with food all over her cheeks, bangs from her bob haircut dropped messily in her face and eyes so round and bright they were like little balls of joy.

Abby’s mom-my wife, Sarah-had lovingly chopped up small pieces of grapes, chicken nuggets, and cheese.  Abby’s little hands, still showing the limited dexterity of a one-and-a-half-year-old, operated more like mitts.  She scooped as many pieces as her fingers would wrap around, food smooshing out between the little appendages and falling back to the highchair.  What didn’t land on her tray or her lap, fell to the floor for Sunny, our Beagle to quickly claim.

Abby’s little mitts would reach up to her face to smash food into her mouth and bless the Beagle with food raining down from heaven.

This meal, like so many for Abby, I watched to see when she’d figure out the math on just how much food one needed to have in their mouth before it was time to stop shoving more in.  Unfortunately, this meal, like so many others, she didn’t have it figured out yet.  Better fathers might have stopped what was happening.  I watched and observed, just grinning at this little wonder in front of me, filling her mouth like a balloon with too much air.

Abby’s cheeks looked so full of food they might rip open and I watched her little hands repeat the squeezing, dropping, clutching process coming up like a bulldozer delivering more dirt to fill an endless hole.  Sadly, Abby would sometimes cross the line.  The sweet little girl who already held my whole heart repeated the process until, finally, something had to give.

One more shovel full of food from the tiny hands and I watched as she gagged.  More food than ever before dropped out of her mouth to Sunny’s pure delight.  Although Abby’s mouth was completely full, she’d been so excited for more, she’d continued filling her mouth until it was so much it made her gag it back out.  Her eyes watered little tears from the gag reflex and, undeterred, she looked up at me, smiled, and grabbed for the next shovel full of food to start the process over.  

It’s years later now.  Abby is older; becoming a beautiful young woman, and I sit here smiling bittersweetly.  Besides recalling that little, overstuffed girl, I remember a life lesson that moment taught me.  How often have we, as adults, “reached for more?”

How many times have we wanted a bigger TV, a longer vacation, a nicer car, better shoes, a bigger house in a better neighborhood?  Haven’t we sometimes failed to see our lives are full as we reach for more to fill a never ending hunger?

Sweet little Abby, the one-and-a-half-year-old didn’t yet understand she had enough.  She didn’t yet know the food would still be on her highchair, waiting for her to scoop it up if she was hungry after swallowing what was in her mouth.  She had all she needed, yet continued to reach for more.  So much so that her body physically forced her to reject it when she went too far, lest she choke and die.

It was in that moment, I realized materialism, greed, and the never ending thirst for more are not so different from what I witnessed with that little toddler.  We chase, reach, grab, claw, and obsess over more.  We sign ourselves up for a lifetime of bondage to debt.  We race day in and day out to pay for all the things we want more of, never pausing to ask if they are the more we really need.  Sometimes we’ll even seek it until it chokes us of joy, hope, and energy.  We’re exhausted from reaching for more.  Something within us is trying to reject more before we choke.

I suggest, the anti-habits of more, which will give us life-giving breath are contentment, thankfulness, and generosity.  When we appreciate what we have, let our hearts embrace gratitude for it, and share what we have with others, we slow up and digest.  In that pausing, recognizing, and sharing, we realize what is truly precious, we do inventory of what we already have, and we see what others need.

What’s more, just as I was a good father, prepared to ensure Abby had all she needed, I believe there is a Heavenly Father who loves us, provides for us, and wants us to see what He has to offer is the more we need.  A more which will fill hearts in a way that all the things we chase never could, and that will never choke our spirits.

Whether you’re religious or not, if this idea of “reaching for more” is hitting you, I suggest trying these thought exercises for 7 days and see if you don’t start finding more air for your spirit.

1.) Contentment:

Spend some time (even just a couple minutes) thinking about how “I have what I need.”  Consider reframing your mindset to see the difference between what you want  and what you need in life.  Try to meditate on the idea that, “I have enough of what I need.”

2.) Thankfulness:

Closely related to contentment is thankfulness.  For me this means recognizing the good things I have in my life come from that good father I spoke of.  Perhaps for you that means simply being happy about what you have.  Whatever that looks like, pause, and literally (in your mind or out loud) say “thank you.”  Say thanks for the things you have, the experiences you’ve been given, and the people in your life.  Whether you want to thank God, the universe, or something else, there is nothing like a thankful heart to reset your entire worldview.

3.) Generosity:

There truly are people who don’t have enough and need more.  Commit to take the time to see the needs of others and set about doing something tangible to meet them.  Does someone need clothes for their children?  Does your local food bank need supplies or volunteers?  Is there a busy mom in your neighborhood who could really use some babysitting?  Consider there are needs in your circles then ask yourself “what one, practical thing can I do this week to begin the practice of meeting needs?”  Make it small and manageable to start so it’s not overwhelming, and watch yourself transform over time.

The person who sees they have what they need, releases attachment to the desire for more, allows thankfulness into their heart for what they have and who seeks to help meet the needs of others will have a spirit full of life giving breath which can never be choked out. 

The superhero dad. Many of us men have that image in our head we aspire to, and believe the loves of our lives would like us to be. The man who has it all figured out.

He’s strong, confident, capable and can do no wrong. He whittles rocking chairs from solid pieces of Brazilian hard wood with his bare knuckles. After which, he cooks the perfect meat in a homemade smoker wrought from metal he refined in his custom designed forge-veggies if you’re vegetarian or vegan, but does this hero even need vegetables? That’s for another post and a health discussion on fiber.

After a great day “killing it” at work, or in the stock market, he lifts his joyful, smiling kids in the air and embraces his adoring significant other who gives his rock hard abs a touch. Before all that he was up at 4AM putting in the best workout of his life. His life is amazing.

Sigh, someday that’s us right?

Here’s the thing-can you relate to him, or is he unapproachable? Not everyone can throw a 75lb kettle bell while penning the most romantic letter their partner will ever receive. Think of it like this: If Thor was in your backyard right now, chances are your kids would be too shy and awestruck to talk with him. You want them feeling that way about you? Awesome, but unapproachable and inaccessible?

You know who is accessible? A guy who spills his coffee now and then or accidentally passes gas while wrestling on the floor.  The guy who takes a wrong turn on the way to the game and maybe doesn’t know how to do literally everything.  Regular dad/partner/bro is someone people can walk up to and connect with.  Humans find connection with people who are like themselves…

…“Dad spilled his coffee, like I spill my milk.”

…”He was a little awkward when he met that new person, like I was awkward in school the other day.”

…”He just tripped and let me laugh at him.  Next time I trip I guess it’s funny too.”

We should all aspire to greatness. It’s how we’ll lead our families to greater, healthier, more satisfied places.  But, along the way it’s such a gift to give them an approachable mate/leader/father/friend. Sometimes being the anti-hero IS being a hero.

For better or worse I had the chance to put this into practice today…

This morning, like many, I woke up before everyone else to check financial news. I’m on the West Coast and the market opens at 06:30 my time. Some days I’m glued to the screen digesting news, and considering whether I need to adjust any financial positions while my wife and kids get ready for the day.

Today I decided to set that aside and help the kids while letting my wife sleep. I pushed past her objections and was persistent until she caved. I got a “thank you, honey” and a smile as she rolled over to go back to a peaceful rest.

Boom-I’m a hero, right? (Side note: I don’t do this nearly enough so hold your applause…you’re just getting to see a window into a single moment.)

I’m already starting my day killing it. Been up since 05:30, stopped the wife from getting up, now it’s go time. First let’s wake up the 16-year-old boy. He’s a deep sleeper so I shake his shoulders enough to worry I might dislocate one, then give up and tickle his face. He squints at me and lays his head back down, but I know operation rouse-the-manchild is accomplished.

I step out of his room and wait in the hallway, ready to give him a hug and start his day off well. Two minutes later I’m thinking I need to re-awaken him, when I hear his alarm.  Oops. I’d woken him up early, not realizing he’d set it for himself. My bad. Apology and hug accomplished, I go to make my coffee while multitasking-reading up on more financial information.

A bit later, it’s time to take him to school so I bring him and check off the first box of the morning. Driving home-doing everything I can not to check the phone-it dawns on me, Crud!! I didn’t wake up the 8 year-old boy or make his oatmeal!

Fast forward to me getting him up with half the normal time he has to get ready for school.  I check in on my 14 year-old daughter who is nailing it this morning.  Phew! She proceeds to help make sure I know what needs to be packed for their lunches-pause for some credit here… I knew what to do…just proud of her for wanting to make sure her little bro had what he needed.

The three of us rush everything, get oatmeal eaten, teeth brushed and zip out to school-on time. Everyone has had breakfast, lunches, homework slips signed-yeah I signed the wrong date on the 8 y.o.’s, but it was signed!  More importantly, hugs delivered for all.  Personal aside dads and moms-if hugs are delivered, it’s pretty much a win, regardless.

I arrive home to get a little work done, and deal with spilled coffee-yeah that happened.  A little later my wife comes down the stairs, sweet smile on her face, wiping a little sleep from her eyes. She’s greeted with the smell of hot coffee in the kitchen.

As she sits down cupping her hot coffee with her hands, she asks, “How’d it go?”

“Great!” I answer.

“Thanks for the rest,” she says, smiling still.

Yup. Nailed it.