Tracey Alley's Blog - Posts Tagged "friendship"
Conflict - How do we deal with it?
I have a neighbor that I befriended some time ago and I thought we had become quite close. I felt rather sorry for her as since she moved into the complex where I lived she has received a lot of negativity from the other neighbors and was, as a result, very lonely.
I don't listen to gossip and so dismissed all the negative things people were saying about her and invited her into my fold as a friend. At first we had a lot of fun together, chatting over coffee and enjoying the odd girls day out. Over time, however, I realized that in many ways it was a very one-sided friendship. One where I would be giving and she was always taking.
Just as a part of my character I tend to be very giving and generous with my friends and family and I don't expect anything back. However there does come a time when you realize that your generosity is being taken advantage of and you're actually being used.
Recently, because I've also remained friendly with the other neighbors who've been so negative towards this woman, she came to my house and questioned my loyalty to her. She was extremely rude and patronizing about it, as well as obviously trying to force her will upon me as to my relations with the other neighbors.
Now I realize she may have been coming from a place of hurt but the way she went about dealing with what was really a trifling conflict was, quite simply, way out of line. I don't believe that you shouldn't speak up if you have a problem with someone but there are ways and means of going about it and she crossed every single line.
Today I went to try and resolve the conflict in a more calm and reasonable manner but found her as rude and insulting as before. Our friendship now has suffered severe damage that I'm honestly not sure we can recover from.
We'll all have some conflict in our lives at some point but there is a right way and a wrong way to deal with it. I personally don't believe in a full frontal attack, such as I received. I've always been very much inclined to speak my mind but I try to do it in a way that's not rude, disrespectful or hurtful.
I don't know how you all feel about conflict and resolution but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. Either way it appears I've lost someone I thought was a friend but it appears she was only a friend while she was getting her own way, so in fact, I've lost nothing in my opinion. Still, it's a little sad that as adults these situations still occur.
Cheers all,
Trace
I don't listen to gossip and so dismissed all the negative things people were saying about her and invited her into my fold as a friend. At first we had a lot of fun together, chatting over coffee and enjoying the odd girls day out. Over time, however, I realized that in many ways it was a very one-sided friendship. One where I would be giving and she was always taking.
Just as a part of my character I tend to be very giving and generous with my friends and family and I don't expect anything back. However there does come a time when you realize that your generosity is being taken advantage of and you're actually being used.
Recently, because I've also remained friendly with the other neighbors who've been so negative towards this woman, she came to my house and questioned my loyalty to her. She was extremely rude and patronizing about it, as well as obviously trying to force her will upon me as to my relations with the other neighbors.
Now I realize she may have been coming from a place of hurt but the way she went about dealing with what was really a trifling conflict was, quite simply, way out of line. I don't believe that you shouldn't speak up if you have a problem with someone but there are ways and means of going about it and she crossed every single line.
Today I went to try and resolve the conflict in a more calm and reasonable manner but found her as rude and insulting as before. Our friendship now has suffered severe damage that I'm honestly not sure we can recover from.
We'll all have some conflict in our lives at some point but there is a right way and a wrong way to deal with it. I personally don't believe in a full frontal attack, such as I received. I've always been very much inclined to speak my mind but I try to do it in a way that's not rude, disrespectful or hurtful.
I don't know how you all feel about conflict and resolution but I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. Either way it appears I've lost someone I thought was a friend but it appears she was only a friend while she was getting her own way, so in fact, I've lost nothing in my opinion. Still, it's a little sad that as adults these situations still occur.
Cheers all,
Trace
There's a reason 1 in 2 marriages fail.
I'm onto my second marriage. That's not a situation I ever thought I would be in when I was younger and much more naive. I honestly believed, as a teenager, that if you were 'in love' that was all that mattered and that, like Cinderella, you'd live happily ever after. I found to my great shame and enormous hurt that it doesn't quite work that way.
I was fairly young when I first married, only 19 and my husband was only 18 but we were convinced we were in love. We'd only been dating for about 5 months and were crazy about each other. The fact was though that we didn't really know each other. We were both caught up in a whirlwind of lust, charm and the idea of being in love. I didn't really know him as a person any more than he knew me but we did get to know each other - oh boy did we get to know each other.
There's something about living in the same house and the mundane routine of life that breaks through the rose coloured glasses of puppy love. When you have to clean the house and pick up his dirty socks somehow his kisses don't tingle quite so much any more. Especially when you find that you don't really have all that much to say to each other.
I'll never deny that my first husband and I were deeply in lust with each other. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen and we had a lot of sexual chemistry. Now that I'm a little bit older I've realised that sexual chemistry is pretty easy to manufacture but it doesn't equate to real love.
To be completely honest though if I had the chance to do it all over again I probably would. I learned more lessons about relationships from that bad experience than from all the good experiences I'd had then or since combined. The number one lesson I learned, which I wish I could've learned another way, was that for a marriage to really work you have to first of all be best friends.
My current husband, Robbie, and I haven't been married all that long so I can't point to us as a shining example yet but I know in my heart it's a forever thing just because of how close we are as friends. I'd never want to lose his friendship, any more than he would want to lose mine.
We have a connection that's based on similar interests, mutual respect and yes, there's a lot of lust, charm and sexual chemistry too and I think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen :)
Primarily though, we've been through a lot of testing times in our marriage as well as the mundane of day to day living yet I still long for him to come home at night. I look forward to telling him about my day and hearing about his and just spending time in his presence.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I have to work nights on my writing but Robbie always reassures me that just having me in the same house is enough for him. I don't mind doing his laundry and picking up his dirty socks because his kisses do still tingle and because he's my mate.
It may have taken me 30 years of living but at least I did finally learn that the old adage is true. Marry your best friend and you'll be married for life. Relationships are hard and you'll always have to work at them but when you have that real friend connection you'll find that it generally comes pretty easily.
I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences with love and happily ever after.
Cheers from a 41 year old Cinderella,
Trace :)
I was fairly young when I first married, only 19 and my husband was only 18 but we were convinced we were in love. We'd only been dating for about 5 months and were crazy about each other. The fact was though that we didn't really know each other. We were both caught up in a whirlwind of lust, charm and the idea of being in love. I didn't really know him as a person any more than he knew me but we did get to know each other - oh boy did we get to know each other.
There's something about living in the same house and the mundane routine of life that breaks through the rose coloured glasses of puppy love. When you have to clean the house and pick up his dirty socks somehow his kisses don't tingle quite so much any more. Especially when you find that you don't really have all that much to say to each other.
I'll never deny that my first husband and I were deeply in lust with each other. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen and we had a lot of sexual chemistry. Now that I'm a little bit older I've realised that sexual chemistry is pretty easy to manufacture but it doesn't equate to real love.
To be completely honest though if I had the chance to do it all over again I probably would. I learned more lessons about relationships from that bad experience than from all the good experiences I'd had then or since combined. The number one lesson I learned, which I wish I could've learned another way, was that for a marriage to really work you have to first of all be best friends.
My current husband, Robbie, and I haven't been married all that long so I can't point to us as a shining example yet but I know in my heart it's a forever thing just because of how close we are as friends. I'd never want to lose his friendship, any more than he would want to lose mine.
We have a connection that's based on similar interests, mutual respect and yes, there's a lot of lust, charm and sexual chemistry too and I think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen :)
Primarily though, we've been through a lot of testing times in our marriage as well as the mundane of day to day living yet I still long for him to come home at night. I look forward to telling him about my day and hearing about his and just spending time in his presence.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I have to work nights on my writing but Robbie always reassures me that just having me in the same house is enough for him. I don't mind doing his laundry and picking up his dirty socks because his kisses do still tingle and because he's my mate.
It may have taken me 30 years of living but at least I did finally learn that the old adage is true. Marry your best friend and you'll be married for life. Relationships are hard and you'll always have to work at them but when you have that real friend connection you'll find that it generally comes pretty easily.
I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences with love and happily ever after.
Cheers from a 41 year old Cinderella,
Trace :)
