Ross Pollitt's Blog

I have no means of ending this day,
Sun rose and will set without me,
I am simply a watcher,
Trying to track down days,
Lost in my dead head,
I am useless,
A loner,
Coward,
Fade.

This is how I feel anytime the fatigue cracks my body. That I can't face the day. I feel so alone in bed... It's a horrible realisation that this is just how life is now.

I had to think a while about this,
To write novels or to market?
Tricky, but I have no choice,
I can't physically,
Keep up with it now,
I decided,
I must write,
Live in,
Hope.

I'm still in the throws of marketing. I am running low on energy and the dreaded brain fog is all-consuming. So I need to change tact I think and write like I am supposed to. Apologies

Connection is what I look to make,
Not a fleeting interaction,
Something that is tangible,
Looking at each other,
And seeing people,
For what we are,
All trying,
And we,
Live.

I do miss the connections lost in time. Friends I lost because of illness that we did not understand.

I am stronger than I thought I was,
My mind stays focused on my goal,
Breaking through my body's hate,
Feel like it must because,
Every time something,
Happy happens,
Collapses,
Apart,
Fails.

I do have a chronic illness, it beats me down when I try to get up. This is my life and I have to break the cycle of hating myself just because I can't function.

Surges with eternal optimism,
My supporter, my believer,
She sips tea and watches me,
Pushing me to succeed,
Typing for my life,
Understanding,
She gives me,
Heart to,
Fight.

It's just a fact that she believes. I don't know how she knows but she looks at me and says 'It will work' and I follow

Feeling weak at the knees and not well,
The legs won't pound ground as they can,
I feel their weight bring me down,
On hands, head to the floor,
Breakdown in anger,
Frustration swells,
I will wait,
I'm not,
Well.

This is an occurrence, a daily battle I face. Not alone though. I have my support I am so grateful for, I just wish I could walk today...

Frozen, I am frozen in this time,
Where cruel, frightening people,
Torment my cracked, fragile mind,
They cajole and tease me,
Till I have nothing,
My fear inside,
Will gnaw my,
Will to,
Run.

I remember what this was like. Being so unwell that you can't escape the toxic people in your life, you gravitate towards them! Stuck unable to run and find some clarity. People who professed to love you, people who called me friend, twisted and turned in a way I still don't quite understand to this day.

Grappling with the pain comes at a price,
We have to talk all about it,
Makes it even more real,
We have suffered enough,
Bring into the light,
Expunge feeling,
That cursed,
And true,
Pain.

I've never been comfortable with my emotions until recently. I started to write. I wrote until the story ended and it was cathartic. I felt free of the pain. Pain from years of being too messed up to get help or help myself. That is why I write, but I am still learning, getting my head round all the things that have happened in my life to lead me here. An author.

Better to pretend than to live scared,
I have had the fear all my life,
Fear of death, fear of failure,
Fear I'll end with my hand,
Destroying myself,
Gripping my throat,
Agony,
In my,
Veins.

I love a nonet. I should start with hello but that isn't me in real life. Fear has been on my mind lately so it must come out somehow. I'll share as many nonets as I write. Same as I do on Facebook, but I think people here on this platform might welcome it more.

I found myself in therapy a few years ago, lost and searching for help. They certainly gave me help, just not as I knew it. I was told to write about my experiences as a young adult/university student. I acceded and wrote a few thousand words. Then something happened where I just kept going till 60k.

I love that novel, maybe one day I'll release it. If I can get over my fear. For now, I have Demonic Depression! One day, I hope to find a writing community I feel safe with.