Karen C.L. Anderson's Blog

Earlier this week, I experienced a second evolution in my recurring “I’m not good enough” dream (and I am pretty sure you have had similar dreams…er…nightmares).

For me, these dreams always revolve around graduating from college.

For the longest time (like 30 years) they involved me being at graduation about to get my diploma, and I know the truth and “they” probably do too: I probably don’t have enough credits. Rather than finding out ahead of time, I wait to be found out.

I can’t find my dorm room, I can’t find my classrooms, I get way behind on homework, or I don’t show up for final exams, and so on.

Cue the shame and dread.

And then six years ago, the dream changed (evolution 1.0).

In that dream, I wasn’t 21, I was 54 and I had to go to an office to get my diploma (and like most dreams, it was this totally random place that was not familiar to me in any way). Inside it looked like a combination old-time court room and bank.

My mother and stepfather were there (even they’ve been divorced since the early ‘80s), as was my husband. They sat on a long wooden bench as I stood at the counter and spoke to a woman sitting behind a thick glass wall.

I told her my name and she went through her list and couldn’t seem to find me. Dread welled up, and then I remembered.

“Oh, it’s probably under ‘Lindsay.’ I got married.”

“Hold on, I need to add that to the record,” she replied.

She shuffled her papers some more and then handed me (through a slot at the bottom of the glass), a gorgeous, thick, tooled leather-covered diploma.

But it was more like a book. And inside was page after page of all my accomplishments. Some things were were seemingly insignificant, but the pride I felt, as I leafed through the book, was immense.

~~~

In this most recent dream, evolution 2.0, it turned out that, yup, it’s true, I hadn’t actually done the work, and I hadn’t met certain requirements, nor had I honored commitments like practicing my part in a play or showing up to the performance. I didn’t even tell anyone I wasn’t doing it. They all showed up on stage and I…didn’t.

And here’s the stunning (to me) part: there was no dread or shame. I just told them that I was tired and had changed my mind. And that it would totally fine if they didn’t want to give me my diploma.

I was all, “Meh, keep it. I’m fine with or without the piece of paper.”

There was A LOT more happening in this dream and some of it may have been significant, like a bathtub full of mold(?) and President Barak Obama showing up and taking a walk with me (I’ll keep what we talked about to myself :-).

But mostly, it was a message from me to me about me: you have been deeply loved and respected since the moment you were born.

What are YOU dreaming about?

Much, much love,

Karen

The post unshaming through dreams appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

According to a Cornell University study, nearly 30% of adult children have been estranged from their parents at some point their lives. Another study conducted by the University of Wisconsin surveyed over 1000 mothers and 52% indicated they were estranged from an adult daughter.

This suggests that the number of women who struggle in their mother-adult daughter relationship (but aren’t estranged) is even higher.

I have experience on both sides: I cut ties with my mother at the end of 2010. We reconciled four years later, and then she cut ties with me. We are reconciled once again. My mother was estranged from her mother and father (who were divorced in 1980), on and off, before they died. As well, one of my husband’s three adult children has estranged themselves and their spouse and children, from us.

So I come to this work honestly and transparently. And I’ve been doing it for 10+ years.

Here are some of the things I see that get in the way of healthy mother-adult daughter relationships:

Unexamined contracts/shoulds/shouldn’tsA lack of healthy boundariesUnacknowledged and unresolved mental illness and traumaCodependence and emotional enmeshmentThe belief that there is something inherently irrevocably wrong with oneself: shame (this one shows up in all sorts of insidious and non-obvious ways)

Here’s the thing: none of these things are an individual mother’s fault, nor are they her daughter’s fault.

It’s not because “old people are out of touch” and nor is it “kids are so entitled these days.”

This is the water in which we’ve been swimming for centuries. It’s patriarchy. It’s misogyny. It’s white supremacy. It’s racism. It’s developmental trauma. It’s collective trauma. It’s intergenerational trauma. We’ve been taught not to trust ourselves…and if we dared trust ourselves we learned quickly that it wouldn’t end well.

In our day-to-day lives, we experience the impact of these forces and often don’t even know they’re there, so of course we don’t know what to do about them.

And they are often what sets the stage for troubled relationships and estrangement.

These forces have created a culture in which we see ourselves as lacking (there’s that insidious and non-obvious shame piece) so we better get with it and improve.

Understanding this doesn’t mean estrangement won’t happen.

It doesn’t mean “forgiving and forgetting” and pretending that abuse didn’t happen.

It doesn’t mean she will change.

It doesn’t mean never feeling sadness, regret, guilt, resentment, anger, bitterness, defensiveness, grief, overwhelm, helplessness, hopelessness, justified, righteous, indignant, or resigned.

It also doesn’t mean that there’s nothing we can do about it.

What it does is provide context and a place to start.

I want us to be curious about estrangement.

I want to challenge the idea that estrangement equals suffering forever and ever.

Not because I want people to remain estranged and nor do I have an agenda for all mothers and adult daughters who are estranged “getting back together,” but rather because I know in my bones that curiosity and acceptance can create an opening for something different.

Something unexpected. Something more authentic. More human.

It’s our resistance to estrangement and what we make it mean that closes off possibility.

“The most profound gift we can offer our children (and those we love and those who love us) is our own healing.” ~ Anne Lamott

What if estrangement (or the possibility of it) is an opportunity to know yourself in a way that wouldn’t be possible otherwise?

And what if knowing yourself in this way is what makes it possible to have healthier relationships? Of course there are no guarantees when it comes to humans, but estrangement, no matter which side of it you’re on, doesn’t have to be a permanently painful, shameful experience.
​
What if what we’re collectively experiencing, as painful and uncomfortable as it sometimes is, is inviting us to advance humanity?

If you’d like to talk this over with me, and learn more about how I help mothers and adult daughters, click here to set up a consult. I’d love to meet you and hear your story.

My work isn’t about self-improvement from a place of lack and shame…it’s about shedding and releasing shame that was never ours to begin with.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. How we heal individually is how we will heal collectively. We humans are at a tipping point. I can’t help but see parallels between the micro and the macro. Handling conflict in a healthy way is more important than ever…it’s never too late and you’re never too old.

The post what is estrangement here to teach us? appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

When you’re used to codependence and emotional enmeshment, clear, healthy, mature boundaries will feel confrontational and divisive.

Boundaries are not confrontational.

Boundaries are not disrespectful.

Boundaries are not divisive.

Boundaries are your values in action. ~ Randi Buckley

Being a cycle-breaker…

…a pattern-disrupter…

…someone who sets boundaries…

…is only confrontational, disrespectful, and divisive to someone who benefits from keeping harmful cycles and dysfunctional patterns in place and from you not having boundaries.

It may be your mother, it may be your adult daughter, it may be someone else…it may actually be a system. It may be the water we’re swimming in.

Clear, healthy, mature boundaries improve mother-adult daughter relationships.

Clear, healthy, mature boundaries mitigate enmeshment and co-dependence.

Enmeshment and co-dependence aren’t character flaws.

They are symptoms of living in a multigenerational patriarchal system of inequality and oppression where those who hold power –politically, socially, and morally – dictate the standard within which those with less or little power live (thank you Dr. Valerie Rein).

Clear, healthy, mature boundaries are a way for us to become good ancestors, rather than dutiful descendants (thank you Adam Grant).

Working with me is a way for you to center yourself in what you value so that you can establish and maintain the clear, healthy, mature boundaries that will enable you to flourish in the relationship you have with your mother or your adult daughter.

And if your mother or daughter chooses to walk a similar path, she, too, will flourish in the relationship.

But you’re each on your own paths. Your paths may intersect, they may be parallel at times, and there will be times when your paths take you in opposite or wildly different directions.

Acceptance of this is a middle path between estrangement and enmeshment/co-dependence.

If your mother or adult daughter can’t or doesn’t want to participate, that’s okay. When your energy shifts, her energy will shift in response. She may not like this, she may experience discomfort, but it doesn’t mean that something has gone wrong or that you should stay the same.

If your relationship with your mother (or your daughter) perplexes and vexes you, I can help.

Coach with me and watch the relationship change. 

Coach with me so you can flourish, no matter what’s happening with her. 

Coach with me and become a good ancestor. 

Coach with me and break the cycle of codependence and enmeshment. 

Coach with me and be an example of what’s possible for mothers and daughters.

Click here to get started.

The post walking a path between estrangement and enmeshment appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

I should…

…be further along

…be over it by now

…no longer be taking it personally

…be more positive

…know better

…not feel so angry/guilty/regretful/resentful…

If you’re like me, these are thoughts your brain offers to you over and over again…

…so you can love yourself over and over again.

So you can re-mother yourself.

So you can undo what was poorly done and to redo what was done poorly.

They are an offering.

Are you responding to that offering? Are you choosing yourself over and over again?

Sometimes I hate it so much that this is part of the deal.

That voice in your head – the internalized critical mother – isn’t going away any time soon.

Internalized shoulds and shame are such mind fucks because you can’t see that they didn’t start with you…that they are coming from outside yourself. And even when you CAN see they they’re not yours, you forget and forget and forget.

And this is the part where you ask, but what do I DO about it?

I don’t like using the word “do” here.

Because it conjures up taking action and productivity and solving and fixing and it continues to serve the internalized shoulds and shame.

~~~

*THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Do you remember that movie trope? The teenage babysitter alone in the house gets a call from a creepy, threatening stranger and when the police track the call, they find that it’s coming from inside the house…the creepy, threatening stranger is IN THE HOUSE with the babysitter.

~~~

That awful voice inside you that feels SO SCARY AND UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWFUL?

It is NOT YOU!

The only thing to “do” in these moments is to question that voice and meet yourself with kindness and to “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” (Mary Oliver)

Your evolved human brain sometimes forgets that it is partnered inextricably with a “soft animal.”

Sometimes your evolved human brain doesn’t LIKE that it it is partnered inextricably with a “soft animal.”

Because soft animals are…animals. They might not be socially acceptable. They might disrupt your productivity.

But I promise you…your soft animal holds the key to…feeling better.

Developing awareness of it…respect for it…love for it…helps you stop shoulding and shaming yourself.

This is how you create safety.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. Your soft animal is your nervous system. In the Mother Lode, we spend a lot of time on the nervous system, developing awareness of it, respect for it, and love for it, so you can take care of yourself and create safety in the relationship you have with yourself and the relationship you have with you mother. Read more about The Mother Lode here. ​Click here to schedule a consultation with me.

~~~

Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver
​
​You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

The post “the call is coming from inside the house…” appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

I visited my mother at the end of August.

At one point, unprompted by me, and in a moment when my husband was alone with her, he told her how proud he is of me, how successful he thinks I am, how he sees that I help so many people. He really bragged on me.

He had asked me ahead of time if it would be okay if he did this (my response was to quote his father: Good luck with that). Because as a father, he finds it…curious? Strange? That my mother seems to show no interest in who I am on anything other than a surface level.

Many years ago her lack of interest in me offended me (and he remembers this). And then I discovered a lot of freedom for myself in it. For many reasons – including because I know I am far from alone and in this regard – I no longer take it personally.

When he told me about his conversation with my mother, he indicated that she seemed to be in disbelief, that she seemed to want to contradict what he was saying about me.

I replied, “It’s hard for her to have her opinion of me challenged. And one of her opinions of me is that I am a weak and ineffectual person.”

Later she told the story of how, when I was an infant with a fever of a 106, the doctor told her to put me in a cold bath so I wouldn’t get brain damage.

“I guess it didn’t work,” she said with what I know to be her “teasing” face.

I didn’t respond. No one did.

“Just kidding,” she said. Ha ha ha.

She went on to tell more stories about how I am just like my father, whom, she has made it clear many times over the years, she didn’t like or respect. 

It was almost as if she had to restore her story about me and knock me down a few pegs in the face of conflicting evidence.

(“The way you see any individual in your mind is the best they can ever be in your presence.” ~ John Overdurf)

The whole thing reminded me of the way her father, my grandfather, used to recount the story of how she “flunked out of college after her freshman year because she majored in bridge and boys.” Ha ha ha.

One of my mentors, Simone Seol, calls this leaning on someone’s bruise. 

I actually remember the last time I heard my grandfather say that to her. About 20-ish years ago in a room full of family, including her new husband and his son.

I also remember, later, finding her upstairs in her bedroom crying about it.

I remember her saying how much she wanted her father’s attention and approval.

I remember trying to make her feel better.

I remember times in my life when I leaned on the bruises of people I love.

~~~

You might be expecting me to tell you that her words meant nothing to me….that I was completely unaffected. Because I am a life coach who knows how to manage her mind and emotions.

No. I was affected. I was hurt and angry because I am a human who is sensitive to cruelty. My anger was healthy and righteous because I no longer allow myself to be shamed. 

In that quiet moment after her “ha ha ha,” I leaned into Dignity (one of the three pillars that upholds my self concept) by remembering:

#1 I do not deserve to be spoken to that way .

#2 I don’t engage with, or give my energy to, people who speak to me like that.

#3 I don’t internalize what she believes or says about me. 

For the rest of our visit, I shifted my energy away from her. I didn’t look at her much. I kept my body slightly turned away. I was cool. 

Later I cried.

I grieved for my loss of a mother who might see me as I am and I grieved her loss of a father (and mother) who might see her as she is.

~~~

Here’s what I know for sure: taking care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother isn’t about never being hurt or angry.

It’s not about not taking a cruel “joke” personally.

It’s about holding yourself in such high regard that you remove yourself from cruel and abusive situations in a way that serves YOU.

I respect the way I handled myself. It served me to respond the way I did. I am so proud of myself.

Sometimes we take things personally.

Being sensitive isn’t a problem.

“The pain of taking things personally, of being highly sensitive, comes from believing that you shouldn’t be. We overreact when we think we have to DEFEND who we are.” ~ Rachel Coll

Much, much love,

Karen

Your self concept is one of the most powerful allies you can have in the relationship you have with your mother. If you’d like my help in creating or shifting your self concept, click here, answer a few questions and I’ll be in touch

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If your mother is mean or cruel to you (or others in your family), it’s unlikely she will stop.

 

It’s also unlikely that you will (100%) stop feeling hurt and/or angry in the moments when she’s mean or cruel, although you can reduce the amount of hurt and anger and you can process it faster.

 

Here’s what else is possible:

 

You can stop believing and internalizing what she says.

 

You can stop looking into the flawed mirror she holds up.

 

You can have healthy, impeccable boundaries.

 

You can handle yourself like the grown-ass woman you are.

 

You can be a fierce mama bear to the younger, hurt self that still resides within you.

 

You can decide to trust yourself…to know that you will handle it.

 

Not perfectly. Not precisely.

 

Humanly.

 

Much, much love,

 

Karen

P.S. One of the first things I do with clients in the 1:1 Mother Lode Mentorship is investigate their self concept: who they think they are and what they believe about themselves, in relation to their mothers. And then we talk about who they want to be and what they need to believe about themselves to get there.We look at what they value, what traits they hold dear, how they want to feel, how they want to show up, etc.And they get to practice being who they say they are and want to be.And I cheer them on and hold space and believe with them.And bit by bit, they start to inhabit that new self concept.And it’s one of the most beautiful things to witness.It’s also one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done, personally.INEVITABLY (and I say this from very recent personal experience, which I will write about soon), there’s a point at which they feel tested. There’s a pull between their “old” selves and their “new” selves.They have an opportunity to decide: Which self is going to make this decision? Which self is going to respond?And every time they get this opportunity, the learn something. They shift something.Not perfectly. Not precisely.Humanly.And ultimately they trust themselves, even when they find themselves in the middle of something deeply uncomfortable.To love ourselves that much is precious.

The post when she’s cruel appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

Most of the women I work with tell me that they want to avoid guilt at all costs. It’s among the top three emotions they say they don’t want to feel…and yet it is usually one of the top three emotions they DO feel (especially when it comes to the relationship they have with their mothers).

Because of this I once ran a workshop on how to set boundaries without feeling guilt.

My bad. LOL

Since then I have been careful to say that as long as guilt is a human emotion, and as long as we’re human, we are going to feel guilt from time to time.

Now I am taking it a step farther with a radical suggestion:

If your choice is between guilt and resentment, choose guilt, every time (thank you Dr. Gabor Maté for that bit of wisdom).

Stay with me.

If you have a difficult relationship with your mother you probably tend to make feeling guilt mean that you deserve to feel guilt…that something you have done (usually to take care of yourself) is bad/wrong.

It’s based on what you think other people (especially your mother) think. It can also be based on a value system that you no longer buy into.

What happens is that your mother (or someone else) doesn’t like the changes she sees in you. In her story about you there’s no room for you to grow or be different. You challenge her world view. And she wishes you would stay the way you were. A part of you might feel that she’s right…and so you give in so as not to rock the boat.

But holding yourself back for her will not do you – or her – any good. Resentment (which usually comes from abandoning yourself and doing for others at the expense of yourself) grows because we tend to feel it’s justified.

Dr. Maté’s observation (in decades of treating patients in his general medical practice) is that resentment is way more corrosive than guilt when it comes to our physical, mental, and emotional health.

Guilt fades. Resentment eats away at your soul.

So pay attention to the difference between the guilt you learned to feel in order to stay attached to your mother and the healthy regret that comes from being out of integrity with yourself.

And choose guilt every time. It gets easier. Really and truly.

Much, much love,

Karen

The post Guilt or resentment? appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

“As a child, we have two fundamental needs. One need with us from infancy – and it‘s absolute and it‘s not negotiable: attachment. The other is authenticity. Authenticity is the connection to ourselves. Without it, without a connection to our gut feelings, just how long do you survive out there in nature? So authenticity is not some new age, pseudo-spiritual concept. It‘s a survival necessity.” ~ Dr. Gabor Maté in The Wisdom of Trauma

Attachment and authenticity are equally important. Both are essential for safety and health, even if we are no longer being cared for by our mothers and even if we no longer live “out there in nature.”

Our bodies know what’s important.

And at the heart of many difficult mother-daughter relationships is tension between the two. I touch on this in Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters:

“What gets passed down is the unconscious pain of being a woman in a culture that does not equally value women. This is the pain of “not good enough” and of harsh self-judgment, criticism, and unworthiness.

They told us “just be yourself” but they taught us (with words and by example) to be someone else. Conform. Standardize. Comply. Obey. And if we didn’t, we were often accused of being selfish, or being a show off.

Centuries ago, women were burnt at the stake, stoned, and drowned for being their true selves, for expressing their true selves. Especially when that self was deemed to be evil, magic, wild, intuitive, inappropriate, too sexual, too thin, too fat, too much, too smart. Fast-forward to the beginning of 20th century and instead of being murdered, women were labeled as “hysterical,” thrown into institutions and locked away, told that it was for their own good. Today? The murdering and locking away still happens, especially to women of color, but mostly it takes the form of being shamed, harassed, and threatened in the media (social and otherwise).

It makes sense, then, that our mothers (and grandmothers and great-grandmothers), may have scolded us (or more) for being anything that might make us unattractive or ineligible for marriage, because for most of history women could not survive on their own.

Thus, generation after generation, women have had two universal (and often unconscious) conflicting needs:

#1 I must be my true self…I must express my true self.

#2 I must protect myself (and my daughters) from being burnt at the stake/rejected so I will squash and mold and contort myself so I “fit in” and am deemed “okay.”

Guess which one usually wins?

Which one do you choose?

Which one do you think your mother chose (whether she knows it or not)?

“Unused creativity [unexpressed authenticity] is not benign and doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.” ~ Brené Brown [bracketed words are mine]

Which leaves you with some tender, painful, human questions: Why can’t my mother seem to love and accept me as I am or want to be? Why do I care?? Can I live with that? Is it possible to live with that and be truly content? Is it worth having a conversation about? How do I say what I need to say in a way that doesn’t hurt/anger her? What if she rejects me? Should I go ‘no contact’ with her?

Why are we born with two seemingly incompatible needs? And how can we meet these needs for ourselves?

I created The Mother Lode to help you answer those questions and to support you in taking better care of yourself in the relationship you have with your mother…so you can meet your own need to be – and express – your authentic self. To reconnect you to the parts of yourself that you may disconnected from. To love and trust yourself more.

Much, much love,

Karen

The post the two fundamental needs that are usually at odds with each other appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

“The creation of the second self (ego) doesn’t happen in love. Ego is created in defense of love.” ~ Russ Hudson, co-founder of the Enneagram Institute

Note: Some of this content may be upsetting or disturbing.

~~~

1968: I’m standing at the blackboard in my first grade classroom, after school, writing my numbers from 1 to 100. It’s my punishment for calling one of my classmates a crybaby.

My face feels hot and prickly. There’s a pit in my stomach. It feels like I can’t breathe.

I want to disappear.

I disconnect from myself.

~~~

I had felt the exact same way just a few days prior when my mother made me tell my stepfather, in graphic detail, about what I had done with some neighborhood kids in the woods.

It was a “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” situation that went beyond showing, to touching.

I can barely get the words out because I am crying so hard.

I want to disappear.

I disconnect from myself.

~~~

That’s why I was, a few days later, trying offload that feeling onto my classmate.

I get home from school that day, stand in front of a mirror, sneer at myself and say, “I hate you. You’re so ugly.” I scratch my face.

I believe: I am bad.

I disconnect from myself.

~~~

1969: I’m sitting alone at the dining room table. My mother is in the kitchen and my stepfather is standing in the doorway watching me. On my plate is a pile of cold lima beans congealed with margarine.

I had ruined dinner because I refused to eat them. My parents coaxed and threatened and laughed and rolled their eyes and told me there were starving children in Africa who would be grateful to have my lima beans.

I want to disappear.

Finally they lose their patience. Frustrated, my mother gets up to do the dishes.

“You will sit there until you eat them,” my stepfather says. “And if you don’t eat them now, you’ll have them for breakfast.”

With tears running down my face, I take a fork full, put it in my mouth, chew a couple of times, try to swallow, and gag the mess back up onto my plate.

“Now you’ll have to eat THAT for breakfast!” my stepfather says, teeth clenched.

I believe: I am a selfish, spoiled brat.

I disconnect from myself.

~~~

1971: I’m scrambling to finish the extra chores I was given so I could raise the money to go on a school trip to Washington DC. It’s the last day to make the payment and I haven’t earned enough. As the minutes and hours tick forward, I am desperate. I beg for more chores.

“Go get my slippers and I’ll pay you ten cents,” my stepfather offers.

And still it isn’t enough.

I am sure I’m not going to Washington, DC, because I haven’t earned it. I haven’t worked hard enough. I must not want it enough.

I want to disappear.

At the last minute, they say, “Okay, we’ll chip in the last dollar” (or whatever it was).

I believe: I am a pathetic loser.

I disconnect from myself.

~~~

2021, last Friday: I’m grocery shopping.

“Stop dancing in the aisles!” the woman whisper-shouts, teeth bared, hands clenched, at the two girls with her (her granddaughters?).

The girls shrink.

I lock eyes with an older gentleman as we navigate the crowded produce section.

I smile.

He dances a little jig.

“May you always feel free to dance in the aisles,” I say to him, and to the girls, with a wink, who are watching behind their grandmother’s back.

He nods and smiles.

Meanwhile, a young man turns to the woman with him and says, “Should I make a cobbler?”

She doesn’t reply.

“I think the answer to that question is always ‘yes’,” I say in a low voice, with a smile.

“Thanks,” he replied, in an equally low voice.

I believe: I am a joyful, intense, mischievous human. I show up. I connect.

~~~

Simple moments of magic. Of mischief. Of connection. Of repair.

These are the moments to cultivate and nurture. These are the moments that heal and transform.

As many moments of shame I’ve had in the past nearly 60 years, there have been at least an equal number of these moments. And I haven’t always noticed.

~~~

Shame is not about right and wrong (that’s what guilt is for).

The painful sensation you know as shame comes from the interpretation that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Shame is…

…a loss of connection. (Dr. Gabor Mate)

…the breaking of the interpersonal bridge. (Gershen Kaufman)

…the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing you are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. (Brené Brown)

…a combination of an emotion and a freeze state. (Bret Lyon)

…an invitation from yourself…to yourself…to love yourself for no other reason other than that you exist. (me)

~~~

Experiencing shame, trauma, and disconnection from self are part of being human.

You are not responsible for the shame and trauma you experienced as a child…or the resultant disconnection. And you were probably taught that forgiveness and absolution and approval and validation and healing can ONLY come from outside sources. Churches. Priests. Gods. Authority figures. Elders. Teachers. Doctors. Your parents. Your adult children.

I invite you to consider that the most gratifying connection of all is the one you have with yourself, and that it is this most vital of connections that creates authentic connection with others. And healthy, appropriate boundaries.

Start with curiosity and compassion and with all of your senses.

It’s not about never again, it’s about catching yourself sooner.

Much, much love,

Karen

Mentor to humans repairing shame + cultivating pride and joy

I can help you catch yourself. Reconnect to yourself. It makes all the difference.  Click here to start a conversation with me about working together .

“We do not become healers.
We came as healers. We are.
Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become storytellers.
We came as carriers of the stories that
we and our ancestors actually lived. We are.
Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are.
Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not become writers. Dancers. Musicians. Helpers. Peacemakers.
We came as such. We are.
Some of us are still catching up to what we are.
We do not learn to love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love.
Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are.”
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The post catch yourself sooner appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.

Not all adult daughters want to go “no contact” with mothers who have narcissistic tendencies, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and other trauma-related conditions.

If that’s you, here are three things you can do to make it easier to have a relationship with her.

#1 Redefine the word “relationship.”

When you and another person in a relationship are mentally and emotionally healthy and mature, you typically gauge the quality of the relationship by how well you communicate, your emotional connection, the love between you, how satisfied you are, etc.

When the other person in your relationship is your personality-disordered mother, there’s another way to approach it: the relationship is simply your thoughts and feelings about her. This is how you manage your experience.

When you rely on her doing something she doesn’t want to do (change), in order to have what’s considered a “normal” relationship, it’s a crapshoot.

Of course you wish she would change – or think she should change. And it’s this thought that has you relying on her behavior in order to have a good relationship. It’s also what makes you vulnerable to the behavior you don’t want to be around. The solution (if you want to remain in contact) is not relying on her to change in order to feel good.

And to be clear, it’s also not people-pleasing her.

 

#2 Establish and maintain healthy, mature boundaries.

I’ve written extensively on how to do this so I won’t get into too much detail here other than to say that the most effective boundaries in this scenario are the ones you have with yourself…they are about your behavior and what you are willing and not willing to do.

They are not about controlling her behavior, which you know isn’t possible.

Boundaries are a way you can love her (if that’s what you want), exactly as she is, and protect yourself at the same time.

Side note: we often think withdrawing love and being anger is what protects us. And to be sure, anger can be a signal that protection is needed. You can heed the signal, take a moment (and a few deep breaths) and remember that your healthy, mature boundaries are what allow you to both protect and respect yourself…and feel love.

#3 Tend to your nervous system.

This is often the missing piece. Download the most recent version of my Nervous System 101 primer to learn how to work WITH your body, not against it.

Much, much love,

Karen

P.S. A fourth thing you can do is hire me to support you. I excel at helping women make lasting peace with the thing they think they can’t be at peace with – the relationship they have with their mothers. And I do it in a way that is safe, trauma-informed…and, dare I say it? Fun. Click here to get the process started.

The post 3 things that will make it easier to have a relationship with your narcissistic mother (if that’s what you want) appeared first on Karen C.L. Anderson.