David Gray's Blog
November 16, 2011
The Film Anonymous and the Death of Truth
Political discourse dispensed with the notion of empirical truth a while ago, but there were some lingering vestiges of “shared history” that remained… until now. The film Anonymous made it okay to ignore “accepted wisdom” (formerly known as “truth or “facts”) and supplanted it with WHATEVER I BELIEVE AS LONG AS IT HAS SOME TRUTHINESS AND I SAY IT LOUDLY. I would like to outline some additional story ideas that provide as realistic a story as Anonymous does, or at least will appear to in another 150 years!
“You think you are some kind of Einstein?”
Little Albert has trouble in school, can’t learn to read, and his family is very worried about him. Realizing that all hopes and dreams for the family rest on the success of her older brother, his younger sister Maria takes the young Albert under her wing, helps him learn to hide his mental infirmities (and since this is a movie we can throw in his drinking and addiction to Mah Jongg) while she develops the theory of relativity and makes it look as though her brother is a genius at a time when women are not allowed to build nuclear weapons.
“I cannot tell a lie!”
George Washington grew up in a complex family with many half-siblings and assorted hangers-on. He realized that these crazy and inept people were trouble so he started hanging out with the nearby Fairfax family. George was a pacifist and something of a wimp. It was his friend Lawrence Fairfax who was the true energy behind George’s efforts. While George received various titles such as Official Surveyor of Culpeper County, it was Lawrence who truly ran the show, eventually becoming Washington’s personal valet and secretary and winning the War of Independence while Washington stayed in his tent shaving (this version is somewhat complicated by the fact that Lawrence was really his sibling and only a friend of the Fairfax clan and died in 1752, but no one will notice this when they see it on the big screen!).
“Musically Challenged”
While Aaron Copland is often cited as master of American Orchestral Music, he was a fraud. He had limited musical ability but desperately wanted to be taken seriously as a conductor and composer so he sought out someone with copious talent from whom he could steal. Of course, fearing that whoever he stole from might turn him in, he had to find someone even lower on the ladder of society whose voice would be ignored. Being a Polish Jew, Copland didn’t have many places to go… only black people were treated worse and so that is where he looked. He found his “mark” in the composer and pianist Fats Waller. Waller’s reputation for writing bluesy stride piano and working dingy clubs ensured he would never be taken seriously by the classical music establishment. Waller was, at first, pleased to have Copland take credit so the music Waller really wanted to write (Appalachian Spring being his personal favorite) would finally be heard. The two had a falling out when they both sought the romantic charms of the same woman, Eleanor Roosevelt. The duel between Copland and Waller ends the film.
The First “Black” President
When the United States elected its first “black” President in Barack Obama the world (and much of America) was shocked. At a time when racial tension was still evident and many Americans had a great fear of Muslims, they elected a President who, while half white, appeared black, and had a distinctly Muslim name, Barack Hussein Obama. But the real secret, which was not revealed until 100 years after his presidency was that Barack Obama was actually born “Barbara Obama.” The mystery surrounding his birth certificate, that he might have been born outside the United States, missed the real scandal… President Obama was a woman. Even more shocking, the President was therefore a lesbian who had an ongoing relationship with the woman who became Michelle Obama. This movie will appear in 3D and surround sound!
Think these plots are ridiculous? It is pretty much what Shakespeare and his peers would have thought of Anonymous.
“You think you are some kind of Einstein?”
Little Albert has trouble in school, can’t learn to read, and his family is very worried about him. Realizing that all hopes and dreams for the family rest on the success of her older brother, his younger sister Maria takes the young Albert under her wing, helps him learn to hide his mental infirmities (and since this is a movie we can throw in his drinking and addiction to Mah Jongg) while she develops the theory of relativity and makes it look as though her brother is a genius at a time when women are not allowed to build nuclear weapons.
“I cannot tell a lie!”
George Washington grew up in a complex family with many half-siblings and assorted hangers-on. He realized that these crazy and inept people were trouble so he started hanging out with the nearby Fairfax family. George was a pacifist and something of a wimp. It was his friend Lawrence Fairfax who was the true energy behind George’s efforts. While George received various titles such as Official Surveyor of Culpeper County, it was Lawrence who truly ran the show, eventually becoming Washington’s personal valet and secretary and winning the War of Independence while Washington stayed in his tent shaving (this version is somewhat complicated by the fact that Lawrence was really his sibling and only a friend of the Fairfax clan and died in 1752, but no one will notice this when they see it on the big screen!).
“Musically Challenged”
While Aaron Copland is often cited as master of American Orchestral Music, he was a fraud. He had limited musical ability but desperately wanted to be taken seriously as a conductor and composer so he sought out someone with copious talent from whom he could steal. Of course, fearing that whoever he stole from might turn him in, he had to find someone even lower on the ladder of society whose voice would be ignored. Being a Polish Jew, Copland didn’t have many places to go… only black people were treated worse and so that is where he looked. He found his “mark” in the composer and pianist Fats Waller. Waller’s reputation for writing bluesy stride piano and working dingy clubs ensured he would never be taken seriously by the classical music establishment. Waller was, at first, pleased to have Copland take credit so the music Waller really wanted to write (Appalachian Spring being his personal favorite) would finally be heard. The two had a falling out when they both sought the romantic charms of the same woman, Eleanor Roosevelt. The duel between Copland and Waller ends the film.
The First “Black” President
When the United States elected its first “black” President in Barack Obama the world (and much of America) was shocked. At a time when racial tension was still evident and many Americans had a great fear of Muslims, they elected a President who, while half white, appeared black, and had a distinctly Muslim name, Barack Hussein Obama. But the real secret, which was not revealed until 100 years after his presidency was that Barack Obama was actually born “Barbara Obama.” The mystery surrounding his birth certificate, that he might have been born outside the United States, missed the real scandal… President Obama was a woman. Even more shocking, the President was therefore a lesbian who had an ongoing relationship with the woman who became Michelle Obama. This movie will appear in 3D and surround sound!
Think these plots are ridiculous? It is pretty much what Shakespeare and his peers would have thought of Anonymous.
