Mathilde Ross's Blog

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"My student seems really anxious. How do I know what's normal?

Dear Parents"
Welcome to the club. The club of confused parents, that is. Attentive parents have been reading stories in the media about high rates of anxiety among young adults. But they also remember lots of times when they were anxious, and got through it. Which is it? Is there an anxiety epidemic, or is anxiety normal?

Both. Most anxiety is normal. It’s a common emotion that signals a need to do something. Anxiety provides a little nudge to start that term paper, get to class on time, pay bills before the deadline, and return mom’s call. (Ahem!) It’s quite common in new situations, such as starting college or a new job. Self-care can really help, and you can confidently remind them that this will pass.

But anxiety can also take on a life of its own and become a disorder. Instead of helping a student get started on that term paper, it makes them avoid it. Or they start, but their thoughts are so jumbled that they can’t concentrate. Or their mind goes blank. Sometimes anxiety causes physical symptoms such as palpitations, stomach problems, headaches, or worse. All of these are unpleasant and counterproductive.

How can you tell if your student's anxiety is normal or problematic? Here’s a quick test: Is their anxiety making them function better, or worse? Is it making them get to class on time, or skip it? Are they planning for the future, or just getting overwhelmed? Is anxiety motivating action, or just causing distress?

If it’s the latter, their anxiety is probably telling them to call SHS.

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

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"Hi there! I’m worried my student may be drinking too much, but I’m not sure how to talk to them about it."

Dear Parents:

This is a tricky one. If you don’t broach the topic, students may rely on information and norms from their peers, which may or may not align with your values. And if you overdo it, you risk pushing your student toward defensiveness and secrecy. Somewhere between the two extremes, there’s dialogue. But how to get there?

Luckily, young adults are remarkably self-reflective if they’re given non-judgmental space in which they are encouraged to be honest with themselves. And they generally aspire to become healthy, well-adjusted, productive humans. No, they don’t like to be told what to do, just like you didn’t. Rules and nagging don’t result in sustained behavior change in adults.

So, what can you do? Approach them with curiosity. How much do they drink? Why? How do they feel after 1-2 drinks? How about after 3-4? Which is better? Have they experienced any consequences, such as nausea, headaches or worse? How do they feel the next day? Are they chipper and productive on Sundays, or do they spend the day recovering from their weekend? How much money are they spending? Is their alcohol use at odds with their longer-term goals? Any serious consequences, such as blackouts or hospital visits?

This is called motivational interviewing, and it’s an evidence-based strategy to engage adults in thinking about their alcohol or drug use. Sustained behavior change in adults (such as drinking more sensibly) comes from internal motivation. College students are highly motivated people, but don’t always connect the dots between short term behavior and longer-term goals. That’s what parents are for.

Motivational Interviewing sounds fancy, but you can think about it as asking, listening, and caring. That’s what you’ve been doing their whole life!

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com

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"Hi there! My student is really struggling with feeling like they don’t belong or aren’t qualified to be here. How am I supposed to help them with that?"

Dear Parents,

You’re describing imposter syndrome, the subjective experience of feeling unqualified or inferior to one’s peers. It’s having a bit of a moment. There’s even research on the topic, finding that as many as 95% of academics experience imposter syndrome at some point in their career.

It’s literally everywhere. For example, how am I qualified to write a parent advice column, when I can’t get my own teenagers to empty the dishwasher? Imposter syndrome! When a syndrome is that common, it’s probably not . . . a syndrome.

So, I guess the best way to help your student with imposter syndrome is to . . . call it something else. Luckily, there’s already another name for it: humility. Humility used to be considered a desirable character trait. (Now it’s apparently for suckers.)

Even so, imposter syndrome isn’t the same for everyone. For people with historically marginalized identities, changing vocabulary probably won’t cut it. For students struggling with these feelings and experiences, SHS is always here.

And BU’s got their back! From The Newbury Center to the Howard Thurman Center for Common Ground to the Menino Scholars program, BU has the departments and resources to help students from all backgrounds feel at home and thrive academically. Prefer a peer-to-peer organization? There are affinity groups, clubs, or service organizations for any interest.

That’s BU’s role; so, what do parents have to offer? Only everything. How many times have you watched your student progress from tentative beginner to competence? A million! Remember when they learned to walk: the number of times they had to literally pick themselves up and start fresh? You cheered and encouraged and just kind of hung in there with them and now . . . they don’t remember how hard it was!

Trailblazing is scary, but worth it. Your student’s humility is likely to make them hard-working, eager to learn, collaborative, and open to feedback. Sounds like an ideal college student to me!

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com

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"Hi there. My student doesn’t have friends and is feeling lonely. I don’t know how to support them."

First, a reframe: If they’re calling you, they obviously already find you supportive. So keep it up! I know, seeing them unhappy makes you feel like you should do something. But listening is doing something. Don’t know what to say? That works in your favor, because young people mostly want their parents to listen. They want your input? (Or you just can’t stop yourself?) Here are a few suggestions.

Their roommate. Yes, they have one. Actually, they probably have several. Research shows that graduation rates are higher for students who live on campus, so colleges have been piling undergraduates into every room available. Suggest that your teenager socialize with their roommate, who is honestly probably on the phone with their parents. (You wouldn’t believe the number of students I have met who have never had a real conversation with the person sharing their dorm room.)
Level their expectations appropriately. They need to stop comparing people they have just met to their old friends from home. The only way to make good friends is to start with acquaintances, work your way up through mediocre and only so-so friends, go through good times and bad together and voila!: lifelong friendship. In short, the only way to meet people is . . . to meet people. And the only way to get to know people is . . . to get to know them.
Free time is highly overrated. That’s right – they need to be busy and overextended like the rest of us! Colleges are bursting with interpersonally rich experiences: Students just need to show up! There are dorm social events, clubs and activities, intramural sports, dance, music, and various performances; pretty much anything from trivia to fashion to rocketry. None of those things are right for your student? There’s research or volunteer work, not to mention getting a job. All of these are excellent ways to make friends and build community.
Tell them to get off the phone. With you, I mean. If they’re on the phone with you, they’re not talking to someone new. Resist the urge to check in on them every day. This can make them miss home more, and can inadvertently send the message that you don’t think they can handle being on their own.

Worried that this is more than a phase? This is a bit of a judgment call, but you know your kid best.Here's some guidance on when to intervene.

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com

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"Dear SHS Parents & Family Advice Column, my student is feeling sick. How can I make an appointment for them to see a doctor at SHS?"

Dear Parents:

One of the many ironies of raising children is that things that are difficult early on become the very things parents miss most. Like taking care of a sick child. It’s brutal when they are little! You turn your life upside down and stay up all night and rush to the pharmacy for remedies that don’t help, all while trying to avoid getting sick yourself. Who would be nostalgic for that!?

All parents of college students, apparently. (It’s awesome to be needed!) But here’s the thing: Now they’re in college, learning how to do adult things, and the only way for them to learn this is ... to do adult things. Scheduling a doctor’s appointment isn’t an item on a to-do list for you; it’s a developmental task for them.

Don’t worry! We know a thing or two about college students, and some college students need training wheels for adult tasks, especially when they are sick. That’s why our office phone number is on their student ID.


Dear Students:

You have wanted your parents to treat you more like an adult since you were approximately 9 years old. So hooray, you’re an adult! You get to do exciting adult things like scheduling your own appointments. No, it’s not up there with voting, signing your own lease, or buying fireworks. But it’s better than jury duty!

As an adult, you are responsible for consenting to and managing your own healthcare. AKA, you have to schedule your own appointment. (Also, you have to go to jury duty, in case you were wondering.) It’s a big transition to make when you are already feeling sick, I know, but we make it easy for you. Our office phone number is on your student ID.

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book, How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com

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"Dear SHS Parents & Family Advice Column,
My student is so stressed about finals, and I don't know how to help them! What are parents supposed to do for their kids around finals?"

Have you ever been surfing? Me neither, but it’s a pretty good metaphor for exam period. A crowd of people paddle around in the surf. Some ride glorious waves, and some get mown over. Bigger waves lead to bigger tumbles, but also bigger triumphs. Either way, there’s not much you can do from the shore. And either way, they’ve got to go back out there. Most kids want a pat on the back and some words of encouragement. Some want to tell you every detail of their journey, but others need to hunker down and focus on what’s coming next. None are in the mood for life lessons.

What can you do? Be that steady presence on the beach. Cheer for them when they succeed, and be there for them when they don’t. Hand them a towel, and maybe a snack. Listen to them if they want to talk. Resist the urge to tell them they should’ve practiced more or chosen a different surfboard. They know.

This is what it is to be the parent of an adult. Just stay on the beach: Triumph or tumble, that’s where all waves end up.

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com

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Student Health Service's Parent's & Families Advice Column
Navigating Thanksgiving Expectations

"Hi there!

I'm nervous about Thanksgiving Break, and would like some advice. I have final projects and exams right after break. When I'm home, I'm going to have to study, spend time with family, and I know I'll want to see my friends too. I'm feeling guilty about not being able to spend 24/7 with them, and I feel like my parents are going to be upset. How can I communicate that I'm glad to see them, but I can't spend as much time with them as they want?"

- BU Student, CAS '28

Dear Students:

I know, they’ve been telling you how much they miss you since you’ve been away at college, but what they haven’t been telling you is that ... there are parts of it that they like. The house is quieter, their favorite snacks don’t disappear from the fridge, no one is constantly taking their car, and they’ve kind of gotten used to it. So – um, this is a little awkward – they might (definitely!) be fine with not spending 24/7 with you, but they are never going to say it.

What do I suggest? Offer to walk the dog once a day (substitute whatever chores you dodged in high school here!), ask them what events they have planned, and tell them about your other priorities. It’s going to go better than you think.

Dear Parents:

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, your student is eager to come home and see you over Thanksgiving. The bad news is, they’re also eager to see all their high school friends, go to the homecoming game, play with the dog, and catch up on schoolwork they’re behind on.

And one more thing ... they haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since September. Yikes! Remember what they’re like on no sleep?! So, check in with them about their other plans, let them know what your non-negotiables are (Thanksgiving dinner – yes! fall yardwork? – maybe not), fill the fridge, and get ready for your car keys and cell phone charger to go missing! It’s going to be great!

Mathilde Ross, MD is a Senior Staff Psychiatrist at Boston University Student Health Services. She is the author of the upcoming book,How to Thrive at College: A Guide to the Ups and Downs of Mental Health on Campus.

mathilderossauthor.com