Anthony Goulet's Blog: Real Warriors Love - Posts Tagged "truth"
Manhood: The Burden of Proof
Attempting to prove our manhood is like trying to punch a hole in water. Many men are out in the world doing their best to prove their manhood to those whose insatiable appetite for more proof will never be quenched. Like truth, manhood has no universally agreed upon operational definition, and still there continues to be conflicting burdens of proof required of men.
How can something be proven when there is no universally agreed upon standard? How does a boy know he has become a man in a society where being a man means different things to different people? How do males in our society actualize manhood with standards that vary from person to person, home to home, community to community? I’ve known very gentle men who were told they were not real men because of their gentleness. I’ve known the “strong and silent” type of men who were told they’re not real men because they don’t express their emotions in a manner acceptable to some.
From a young age, men are bombarded with conflicting messages of manhood and even emasculated for adhering to a version of manhood that is right with their own heart, but contrary to someone else’s version of manhood. Since manhood naturally evolves to fatherhood for many, let’s take the unconscious, outdated and dangerous burden of proof off our men and future generations by understanding that manhood can only be proven within the consciousness of each individual man.
Within my work as a gang interventionist, prisoner reentry counselor, and fatherhood coach I have asked countless younger and older men two questions that incite so much introspection we’ve had group and individual conversations about it for months. But asking questions isn’t enough. The environment must be ripe with honor, love and compassion for there to be true dialogue. And there are three rules that must be broken for an environment to be healing. The three rules that must be broken to achieve healing exist in all unhealthy relationships. The three rules are:
1. Don’t talk.
2. Don’t tell.
3. Don’t feel.
When men are in spaces where those rules are broken, we freely talk, tell, feel, and heal.
Now that we are ready to break those three rules, I ask the questions. When I ask the questions, I ask in this manner: Since we are willing to die or kill or lose our freedom defending our manhood, it is a good idea to at least know where this thing called manhood is.
Where is our manhood?
Is our manhood in our pants, pockets, bank accounts, fists, titles, sexual exploits, or material possessions?
In the process of answering these questions, we unfold and unravel the societal burdens of proof that have been heaped upon men since we were children. And to the great credit of our men, they always lead us to the answer—our hearts. The answer is not a burden, it’s light because it’s love. The answer is just a short distance away from the heavy, unfair and inconsistent burden of proof our men have carried far too long upon their shoulders and within their minds. And when men take the walk from their heads back to their hearts, we remember that we never had to become someone or something because we are already everything—we are sacred blessings, miracles and gifts. Within this realization there is nothing to prove, only a truth to live.
When the burden of proof is revealed as the problem, not the solution, men feel a relief, and the walk from our heads to our hearts is once again seen as meaningful not meaningless. In taking the journey from the head back to the heart, men realize their manhood can never be taken or threatened so there is nothing to attack or defend. In this journey our men remember their true callings. In this journey our society gains more peacemakers, present husbands and present fathers. In this journey society has men who no longer carry a burden to prove anything, only a willingness to share the goodness that has been within them all along, but for a moment was hidden underneath a burden of proof that was never theirs to carry.
Walk in love,
Anthony Goulet
How can something be proven when there is no universally agreed upon standard? How does a boy know he has become a man in a society where being a man means different things to different people? How do males in our society actualize manhood with standards that vary from person to person, home to home, community to community? I’ve known very gentle men who were told they were not real men because of their gentleness. I’ve known the “strong and silent” type of men who were told they’re not real men because they don’t express their emotions in a manner acceptable to some.
From a young age, men are bombarded with conflicting messages of manhood and even emasculated for adhering to a version of manhood that is right with their own heart, but contrary to someone else’s version of manhood. Since manhood naturally evolves to fatherhood for many, let’s take the unconscious, outdated and dangerous burden of proof off our men and future generations by understanding that manhood can only be proven within the consciousness of each individual man.
Within my work as a gang interventionist, prisoner reentry counselor, and fatherhood coach I have asked countless younger and older men two questions that incite so much introspection we’ve had group and individual conversations about it for months. But asking questions isn’t enough. The environment must be ripe with honor, love and compassion for there to be true dialogue. And there are three rules that must be broken for an environment to be healing. The three rules that must be broken to achieve healing exist in all unhealthy relationships. The three rules are:
1. Don’t talk.
2. Don’t tell.
3. Don’t feel.
When men are in spaces where those rules are broken, we freely talk, tell, feel, and heal.
Now that we are ready to break those three rules, I ask the questions. When I ask the questions, I ask in this manner: Since we are willing to die or kill or lose our freedom defending our manhood, it is a good idea to at least know where this thing called manhood is.
Where is our manhood?
Is our manhood in our pants, pockets, bank accounts, fists, titles, sexual exploits, or material possessions?
In the process of answering these questions, we unfold and unravel the societal burdens of proof that have been heaped upon men since we were children. And to the great credit of our men, they always lead us to the answer—our hearts. The answer is not a burden, it’s light because it’s love. The answer is just a short distance away from the heavy, unfair and inconsistent burden of proof our men have carried far too long upon their shoulders and within their minds. And when men take the walk from their heads back to their hearts, we remember that we never had to become someone or something because we are already everything—we are sacred blessings, miracles and gifts. Within this realization there is nothing to prove, only a truth to live.
When the burden of proof is revealed as the problem, not the solution, men feel a relief, and the walk from our heads to our hearts is once again seen as meaningful not meaningless. In taking the journey from the head back to the heart, men realize their manhood can never be taken or threatened so there is nothing to attack or defend. In this journey our men remember their true callings. In this journey our society gains more peacemakers, present husbands and present fathers. In this journey society has men who no longer carry a burden to prove anything, only a willingness to share the goodness that has been within them all along, but for a moment was hidden underneath a burden of proof that was never theirs to carry.
Walk in love,
Anthony Goulet
Real Warriors Love
Real warriors love because love is what makes a warrior real.
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