Mindy McGinnis's Blog

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am currently seeking representation for my novel, SPOONMAN, a speculative psychological horror, complete at 63,000 words.

All journalist Annie Caplan wants is to be done with The Weird Shit. I like this hook!

Ever since that whole deal with the old video game and the people who disappeared after playing it, she’s become a magnet for weird-ass stories that’ve turned her life into a never ending season of The X-Files. Even more intriguing and love the X files shoutout! Taking the staff job at a new culture site, I'm not entirely sure what this means. The first time I read I thought it meant like an archaelogical dig. Needs clarified she had hoped to leave all that behind, but her latest assignment looks like it’s bringing it right back to her door: someone calling themselves ‘Spoonman’ is paying developers to add strange symbols to their software.

Much as Annie would love this to be some dumb prank, her new boss, Gordon Locke, kicks open the door to Weird Shit Territory when he reveals one of those symbols just appeared on his chest the last time he saw his ex-business partner/friend Tom Lanzig – who used to use the screen name Spoonman in their Silicon Valley days. When Locke asks Annie to track him down and find out what the hell’s going on, she’s all set to say “no,” until he offers her a life changing bonus that she can’t turn down. See, Annie has a secret: she has “missing time” and that money could pay for the help she needs to treat the PTSD it’s left her with, so she can start to unravel what the fuck actually happened to her. This feels like it should be mentioned earlier, b/c it's an ongoing state for her, not something that crops up at this point in the narrative.

Somehow, though, Spoonman knows.

In fact, he knows more about Annie than he should, leaving her with no choice but to wade back into The Weird Shit to find out how, and maybe, finally, get those answers that’ve eluded her. But this may be a rabbit hole she can’t crawl back out of: somehow, Spoonman can change reality to suit his own whims, meaning she has no way to tell if what she uncovers about his past, the strangeness around his property portfolio or what part he played in the disappearance of his girlfriend is the truth or just an elaborate fiction he’s weaving to stop her from discovering the real, potentially world ending purpose behind the symbols... This paragraph is getting quite vague and suddenly throwing a lot of plot points in is only muddying the waters.

I’m a writer of horror and speculative fiction based in Northumberland (who's also taken the occasional foray into freelance copywriting and comics). My work - both comics and prose - has appeared in various small press anthologies down the years, and I'm the writer/co-creator of the critically acclaimed graphic novel Babble, the fan-favourite folk horror comic The 13th Stone and the Velicity Jones series, which currently appears in David Lloyd's digital anthology Aces Weekly.Great bio!

Right now this is reading really well, but the PTSD angle and missing time need to be mentioned sooner b/c that's her actual driving force - not just that this is her job, etc. A query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? And what's at risk if they fail? Right now there's a vague possibly world-ending scenario that just gets tacked onto the end. Everything needs to be drawn together a little more tightly, but the concept feels very interesting.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Based on your manuscript wishlist, I believe this novel is the right fit for you. THE TIGER AND THE CRANE is a YA crossover/New Adult high fantasy (110,000) with series potential. Rife with manipulation, forbidden romances, and rich worldbuilding, this novel promises to deliver a fresh tale of the battle between duty, deceit, and friendship. Unfortunately, fantasy is absolutely oversaturated these days, and you've got a high word count. The elements you mention - romance, battle, worldbuilidng - are all things an agent is going to expect to see in a fantasy anyway. I'd get a solid hook, and start with that.

Prince Arvin of Niro learns he will marry Princess Chima of Okala, the first born princess of the most powerful nation on the northern continent—and a total stranger. Definitley need a better hook than this. An arranged marriage in a fantasy doesn't exactly make this story stand out. What do you have to offer that makes this distinct? Arvin wants nothing more than to fulfill his duty to both his people and his mother, who makes it clear that failure is not an option. Still, he flounders in this new world of politics. Why would politics be new to him if he grew up a prince? Niro is in desperate need of Okala’s riches, but Okala is harboring a secret: they’ve discovered another continent and have no intention of creating a fair alliance. Who is they? And why is this continent important? Instead, they plan to use Niro’s resources to explore rich, novel lands and cut Niro out of the profit.By... killing him? Or what? Making this sound like a business deal gone wrong isn't going to be super attractive to an agentNothing is more important to Chima than Okala’s success, so her new fiance becomes little more than a game piece. Capitalizing on Arvin’s loneliness, she enacts a plan to spy on him with a personal guard disguised as a friend. Chima is sure that her nation will come out on top. The personal guard is with her? Or is with Niro? Are they already married? Why can't she just spy on her himself? Confused.

But when a brutal disease sweeps their nations and destroys everything they hold dear, their positions suddenly reverse, forcing Okala to depend on Niro for survival. Why would it make her depend on him, if both kingdoms have the disease? When Arvin’s personal guard catches his eye and Chima fights to rekindle a forbidden romance, so confused about what you're saying here... Arvin is attracted to the body guard that Chima sent? And Chima is rekindline a romance with... who? the two make an earth-shattering discovery about themselves that could destroy the alliance: they’re both only attracted to their own gender. I don't really know that this would be all that much of a problem. Royalty have had fake marriages since the beginning of time Chima’s religion forbids their union, but without the alliance, Okala will fall. But not Niro? As death creeps closer to home and the bodies mount, political and familial ties are put to the test. Arvin and Chima, now fighting for both themselves and each other, must face the damning truths of their union before it is too late. Right now this is just kind of a hodge podge. There's a new continent, something of a swindle deal, a power struggle, a plague, and forbidden romance. I'm not really seeing how everything ties together or a clear picture of the plot.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking your representation for What Happened to Her, an upmarket feminist thriller that will appeal to fans of My Dark Vanessa and Bright Young Women. I feel my book would be a good fit for your agency because many of the items mentioned in your manuscript wishlist are key elements in my book, particularly the emphasis on flawed protagonists and female rage. What Happened to Her also has a strong social justice angle, which I noticed appealed to you. This is great! You identify you genre and comp titles as well as signifying that you are approaching this specific agent for a reason and have done your research.

In a world obsessed with dead girls, a haunted woman uncovers a beloved public figure’s trail of victims and must decide whether she will become another cautionary tale or take matters into her own outraged hands. What world is this? Like our actual world? Do you mean like true crime fixation? I'm not sure what your hook is trying to get across. What would it mean to become a cautionary tale? Is she in danger from the killer?

Two years ago, Nadine Dalton had the world word echo here with "world" at her feet. Weaponizing her grief after her sister’s school shooting death into firebrand activism, Nadine was a rising star and media darling. But just as rapidly as she rose, she fell from favor and is now living a hermit-like life as a reviled has-been. Why did she fall from favor? Feels important. She spends her days thinking about “dead girls” such as Laura Palmer, JonBenet Ramsey, and Marilyn Monroe—a hobby which both consumes and disgusts her. The first is fictional, the second two are real. Just wondering if there's a reason to include a fictional dead girl After beginning an internship with a nationally beloved front runner for governor, who inexplicably is fond of her despite public opinion,The way this reads is that the public believes the governor is not fond of her. Needs rephrased. Nadine feels rejuvenated. This, however, proves to be a deception, and Nadine spirals again. Is this a romantic connection? Or just something she was hoping for career-wise? When she discovers a link between her boss and a dead former intern, she realizes the scope of his abuse is larger and more sinister than she ever imagined. Nadine embarks on a treacherous investigation that uncovers a trail of manipulation, lies, and the ghosts of other forgotten girls. Descending into a dangerous rage as she is thwarted at every turn, Nadine feels her restraint slipping away and will stop at nothing to find justice and give voice to the voiceless. This is the first mention of her rage, so idk how it fits into the plot. Is she going to go after him herself? Vigilante justice?

I have been writing my entire life and cannot remember a time when I wasn’t either actively working on or daydreaming about a new story. I won a writing scholarship in college and have had my work showcased in regional publications. As a young woman who grew up in a world of mounting hate, I wanted to write a story exploring this turmoil, but also the determined resistance borne from it. Good bio, I like it.

Overall I think we need to see a little more plotwise here - what does Nadine want? What stands in her way of getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what is at stake if she fails? Those are the biggest things to make sure are in a query, and right now They aren't all totally apparent.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m seeking representation for RUNELIGHT BURNING, my 106,000 word new adult romantic fantasy novel with series potential, inspired by Norse mythology. It’s the slow-burn romance of Spark of the Everflame meets the intricate worldbuilding and politics of The City of Brass. Given your interest in XXX, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Not a bad start, although if you think it's possible to get it under 100k, I would definitely try. You'd be surprised how much you can cut out.

Her power could spark a war, but will she let it burn? Let what burn? Her power? The war?

Half-breed Aelia Fairburn has never truly belonged, with too much Runelight in her blood to be accepted in the Mortali realm, yet not enough of it to be welcomed amongst the elitist Álfr. So why should she care about the growing discord between the two? Especially when she’s busy looking after an overly altruistic father and a thriving smuggling business. Why is there a growing discord? What is the problem over?

But when escaping arrest leads to her revealing the true extent of her Runelight – a light power greater than the Four Runes – the Mortali hunt her as a weapon for war. This really doesn't mean much to the reader, b/c there is a lot of assumed knowledge here. We don't have a grasp on the worldbuilding, so this is just kind of a jumble of words that I understand, but don't know what they mean when put together. That’s when Cahír, a condescending mercenary hired by Aelia’s estranged half-brother in the Álfr realm, This is a pretty long descripion. I think you can just say he's a condescending mercenary arrives promising to escort her to safety. Unable to contain her powers, or her growing attraction to the unusually moral mercenary, their journey forces Aelia to confront her fears; what will happen if she lets him, or her Runelight, in.

But as it turns out the Mortali aren’t the only ones after her power, and choosing not to wield it may cost her everything.

Same problem here at the end. I don't really know what the power is, or what's at stake, or who is arguring, or what they're arguing about. There are a lot of words here that aren't necessairly coming together with meaning unless you already have background information (like the author) to fill in the gaps.

I work in communications at a university library and consume books with a passion when not writing or walking my dog. I was a finalist in the London Festival of Writing’s Friday Night Live competition. Good bio! Just work on getting more plot into this query rather than leaning on the worldbuilding.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Your enthusiasm for smart, commercially appealing fiction with strong protagonists and unexpected twists makes me think my manuscript, Capo Cruise Lines might interest you. Not a bad start, but you need to indicate a genre for your story here. Smart, commerically appealing fiction with strong protags and twists is a broad swath. Where would this be shelved in a bookstore?

Josh, a repressed engineer, reluctantly joins a singles cruise at his father’s urging to loosen up and live a little. But when he’s seated with four captivating women—each with ties to organized crime—his vacation spirals into a dangerous flirtation with seduction, secrets, and betrayal. As shipboard antics and exotic ports of call complicate the group’s dynamics, Josh must navigate a web of intrigue to escape with his life and livelihood and a newfound sense of self. This isn't really doing the work of a query, it's way too broad. What are the secrets? The seduction? The betrayal? What are these antics and how are the group dynamics complicated? What is this web of intrigue? Right now this could be anything from an at-sea Amish puppy mill to sex trafficking. There's no indication here of what the book is actually about. A query needs to answer these questions -- 1) What does the MC want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they don't? Right now this answers the first one - the MC just wants to chill out and maybe hook up. What stands in their way is vague at best, and the last two questions are unanswered.

Complete at 70,000 words, Capo Cruise Lines is my debut novel.Don't bother mentioning this. I’m a professional freelance writer specializing in cybersecurity courseware for high school students, where I craft engaging, accessible content on complex topics. This manuscript draws from my own travel misadventures and is written in the spirit of Elmore Leonard, Carl Hiaasen, and Janet Evanovich. I studied under Pulitzer Prize winner, Frank McCourt, who described my work as “witty, intelligent, and humorous”—qualities I’ve strived to carry into this manuscript.

Right now your bio is longer than the part where you actually talk about the book. Get the word count and comp authors into the first paragraph to make your genre more clear. Studying under Frank McCourt is awesome, but the query isn't conveying wit or humor. If it's a voicey work (and the authors you use as comps are very voicey) then the query needs to have a voice that conveys the voice of the manuscript itself.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Complete at 78K words, THE WORST OF US is a romantic suspense exploring a conflicted love story tangled in past trauma and lingering guilt, similar to All the Missing Pieces by Catherine Cowles. It also mirrors the morally gray character and the found-family dynamic of The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave. Good intro! You're clear on your genre, comp titles, and audience.

Against her better judgement, thirty-year-old teacher Emma Johnson provides a false alibi when her troubled but beloved brother Tony is accused of a minor drug-related crime. However, a week later, Tony kills a single mother in a hit-and-run, leaving the victim’s eighteen-year-old daughter, Brianna—one of Emma’s students—completely alone. Overwhelmed with guilt, Emma vows to offer the girl support and a stable home, carefully concealing her brother’s involvement in the accident. Normally I would say that I need to know how the two crimes connect to each other, but that becomes clear later on, so I think this para is good as is.

Detective Nathan Stone has made it his mission to dismantle the drug organization Tony is tied to, committed to live up to his father’s reputation in the Narcotics Division. Despite his sharp instinct for reading people, he cannot determine whether Emma is a victim of her brother’s manipulation or a masterful liar hiding his whereabouts. Either way, he knows she could help bring Tony to justice.

Bound by their mutual concern for Brianna’s struggle with grief, Emma and Nathan find themselves unexpectedly aligned and slowly drawn to each other. Soon, their nightly conversations Nightly conversations seem like a lot. How did this develop? Did they cross paths as part of his investigation? shift from formal to intimate. But when Tony threatens to expose Emma’s false alibi But wouldn't that implicate him in the drug related crime? I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense in terms of something he's holding over her head; he loses his alibi if he rats her out if she doesn’t help him stay hidden, she must choose between the man she’s falling in love with, the girl she promised to care for, and the brother who protected her throughout their abusive childhood. Technically these are three things, so she's not choosing "between" them, because that implies two things.

Overall this is in pretty good shape in terms of plot. What it needs is a little more character injection. We don't have any feel for who these people are. Sad or scrappy? Doing great or pretending? We don't really have any idea what they are like as people, just what their purpose in the plot is. The last line says that Emma had an abusive childhood, which needs to be developed more and metioned earlier.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for “The Sound of Ice Melting,” Put your title in all caps or italics, not quotes a modern 95,617 Just say 95k word gay YA psychological drama comparable to Poor Deer, by Claire Oshetsky, The Secret of Us, by Lucinda Berry, and Words on Bathroom Walls, by Julia Walton.

Joe was ten when he first tried to kill himself, a month after his mother’s murder. Four years later, he tried again. His psychiatrist believes Joe saw his father murder his mother, but Joe says it feels like there’s a demon in his head that makes him want to destroy himself.

When Joe’s sixteen, he meets Troy and falls in love, and a year later, they’re still together and happier than ever. Right now this is just reading like a walkthrough of someone's life, more like a synopsis than a query. They’ve just graduated and have been accepted at the same college. Life is perfect! So, everyone is surprised when Joe tries to kill himself again. Seeing the pain it causes those he loves the most, Joe vows to never try it again. As a reader we don't have a great feeling for the "why" here, and not just for this most recent attempt. In order to connect more with the character the reader needs to understand what it's actually like inside Joe's head. Right now these are factual statements with very little emotion attached.

Two months later, he’s diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and given two months to live. What doctors call “a tumor” and Joe calls “a demon,” Troy calls “a memory,” specifically of what really happened on the night Joe’s mother was murdered. In order to bring the repressed memory to light, Troy, desperate to save Joe, decides to treat the tumor as Joe sees it and exorcise the demon. What they discover is a truth much darker than they ever imagined. This is kind of a tease in that you're not telling the reader / agent what is actually going on. This is reading more like what the back matter of a novel would have to entice a reader. For a query letter, you need to let the agent know what makes this book different, what makes it stand out, what is unique here. If the "truth is much darker than they ever imagined," say what that is so that the agent knows whether this is worth their time as a read or not.

I’m an American writer, playwright, ESL teacher, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English. I’ve spent more than forty years working professionally with children and adolescents, twelve as a counselor and supervisor in psychiatric facilities treating severely emotionally disturbed children and adolescents, many of whom were suicidal or had self-injurious behaviors. Great bio!

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my debut adult fantasy novel, The Journeymen, a 102,000-word story that blends humor and philosophy through the adventures of three compelling characters. You don't need to state that it's your debut; they will assume that. I also wouldn't self-describe your characters as compelling. Of course you think they're compelling - you wrote them.

Set in a world where the era of gods, monsters, and proverbial energies is losing its grasp on the world echo (same word used closely together) with "world", like an ice age, the old era gives way, moving away from the equator toward the poles. I'm really not sure what this is saying. Is this all figurative language, or is something actually moving? Even if it's figurative, it's quite murky and is mostly just going to leave the reader trying to untangle what's being said, when what you want is an enticing hook, not a head-scratcher. Leaving behind sentient races So everyone that's still around isn't sentient? and lingering magic, here in the north, the old breath of the paranormal and the impossible still holds some grasp over these lands. Here on the frontier of the still partially settled north, life thrives on the border between the mundane and the mystical. Dangerous artifacts, reality-bending spells, and unfinished afterlives shape a landscape where power is coveted and the supernatural is never far away. This entire paragraph is mostly just confusing and isn't directly informing the reader of anything. It's also all setting, which isn't a great thing to focus on if you want to hook an agent's attention.

At its heart is an escaped slave striving to navigate the complexities of freedom. Haunted by his past and uncertain of his future, he embarks on a journey to find—or perhaps create—a place he can truly call home. His story anchors the novel’s emotional core, exploring themes of identity, belonging, and resilience. Does he have a name?

Alongside him is Laurent, a roguish goblin whose restless travels mask a deeper quest: to break a curse that keeps him apart from his beloved fiancé. His charm and cunning bring levity and intrigue, enriching the narrative with a sense of wanderlust and longing.

The third protagonist, Bel-shar-usur (Bel), is a young mage fleeing the violent legacy of his powerful war-mage father. His journey is one of self-discovery, as he seeks to define his own path and wrest control of his fate from the shadows of expectation.

But I don't know what is drawing these three together. It sounds like some sort of shared journey, but I don't know where they are going, why they are going there, or what brought the three of them together.

Each character brings strengths and perspectives the others lack, creating a dynamic where they rely on one another to fulfill their personal arcs. Their intertwined journeys forge bonds of friendship, kinship, and romance, making their collective story one of connection and mutual growth. Without one another, none could fully realize their destinies. This again feels like a paragraph where you're telling the agent what you think the story is delivering. It's an assumed in a novel with an ensemble cast that they complement and contradict each other in different ways. So in essence this paragraph is just you stating that you did something that is kind of expected anyway.

The Journeymen is a tale of scoundrels and misfits, filled with sharp wit, occasional coarse language, and moments of genuine insight. It will resonate with readers who appreciate stories that balance lighthearted adventure with meaningful depth—fans of Adventure Time, Patricia Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles, Diana Wynne Jones and, to a lesser extent, Terry Pratchett’s work. Right now this entire query is very vague and isn't telling us anything about the plot. A query needs to establish these things -- what does the main character(s) want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What are they willing to do to overcome those obstacles? And what is at stake if they don't? None of that is currently here in this query.

My name is Eugene Myznikov, and I’m a writer passionate about creating immersive fantasy worlds and characters. As an autistic person, storytelling is my special interest, and I bring a unique perspective and attention to detail to my work. Inspired by nature, cooking, and a love for fantasy sparked by the Witcher series, I strive to craft stories that blend adventure, magic, and authentic emotion. Good bio, but you need to work on getting the plot into this query, rather than taking up a lot of time with setting and then explaining the themes of the story.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’d like to share my first novel, PEPPERMINT LEAVES (88,000 words, contemporary fiction), with you. PEPPERMINT LEAVES would appeal to readers of Oisín McKenna’s EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS and Dolly Alderton’s GHOSTS for its compact portrayal of people who are just trying to work out their own story. This is a little bit vague in both the genre and the description. "Contemporary fiction" on its own is fine but "just trying to work out their own story" isn't compelling and doesn't really make me as a reader want to keep going.

MERIEM and CASI only captialize character names in synopsis, not in a query are similar in many ways: they’re in their mid-twenties, living in London, trying to fit into lives they haven’t chosen. Again, super vague. It's not distinct or interesting She is undocumented—well, mis-documented—and he is drowning in ambition. When Casi is unexpectedly made redundant from his high-flying corporate events role, one small lie to his alcoholic brother and an inkling of an ambition shared with his competitive ex-colleagues set him on a path to finding Meriem.I have no idea what any of this means. What lie? What ambition? How do any of these things come together to put them on paths that will intersect? Desperate to prove himself, he unwittingly begins to pick at Meriem’s tightly-woven world, ultimately forcing them both to face who they really are. This entire paragraph is about Casi. I know practically nothing about Meriem and I have no idea what their colliding with each other means. Are they going to fall in love? Ruin each other? Save each other? Eat each other's pets? What do you mean when you say her world is tightly-woven? I really have no idea what the plot is here. A query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What are the obstacles they have to overcome to achieve their goal? What is at stake if they don't? Right now I don't know the answers to any of these questions based on this query.

I work in a youth charity where I am responsible for strategy and planning, and I parent a van-obsessed two-year-old. All of my writing happens in those little breathing spaces between full time work and parenting, sometimes at the kitchen table, sometimes on the floor outside the toddler’s bedroom, waiting for him to fall asleep. Not having any publishing credits is fine, but I would only include elements of your personal life in your bio that relate to the story, thus showing that you have life experience that makes you a credible author of this story. Right now none of this does that work.

I am now working on my second novel, which is also standalone, and follows Anna, a young woman whose neatly-packaged life unravels when her ‘friends’ discover she’s been passing off the stories of the elderly care home residents she looks after as her own. Definitely don't talk about the next thing you're writing. They need to be interested in what you've already written before they care at all about anything else. This is information for when you get to a phone call.

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

IT SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU is an 88,000-word standalone women’s fiction novel that will appeal to fans of the star-crossed lovers trope in What You Wish For by Katherine Center and the trauma-driven, dual-timeline structure of The Forgotten Hours by Katrin Schumann. Good start, it sounds like you've got the formula for an opening paragraph down.

Twenty-five-year-old Aurora Ridgefield is perfectly content checking off the boxes of a well-planned life: a teaching career, an apartment, her devoted boyfriend, Sage. But she also knows she’s no longer the wild, open-hearted teen she used to be—not like she was with Gale, the boy who saw her in a way no one else ever had. When she unearths an old journal, she’s forced to confront a truth she’s long tried to forget: she never really got over him. Great beginning here!

At fifteen, their connection is immediate, electric. But before it can become something more, Gale’s parents ship him off to a remote boarding school. Unable to process the sudden loss, Aurora’s free spirit hardens into control. Little bit more here on why? Why is this the reaction? It almost seems like a wild person make spin out of control instead.

Over the years, fate keeps reuniting them—but each time, Gale returns more withdrawn. Finally, he confesses what he’s carried for years: the school didn’t just take him away—it broke him. Loving her only reminds him of everything he’s lost, of the trauma he endured—so she lets him go. The way this para is written it feels like the "over the years" statement spans the time all the way up to the present, and their adulthood, which the next paragraph seems to contradict

A decade later, Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, a comfortable life. But the journal leads her to a crossroads—continue the life she’s carefully built, or give her love with Gale the chance it never had.

When she agrees to meet Gale one last time, her decision becomes clear: she tells him she has always loved him, even when he couldn’t love himself; but their story is in the past ---and she is choosing her present. This is more like a synopsis at this point, you're giving away the end. The query needs to be more hook-y, and make the reader / agent want to know what happens. You need to cut this off at her making the choice, or being stuck at the crossroads, rather than come across with the whole ending.

By day, I’m a high school English teacher and New Jersey Romance Writers member, living in New Jersey. I hold degrees in journalism, English, and secondary education. This is my debut fiction novel. Great bio, you don't need to mention that it's your debut, with no pub credits it's an assumed.