Maya Shankar

“When grappling with a difficult, unwanted change, it can be natural to try to make sense of what’s happened within the framework of a just world. But there are some changes that occur for no meaningful reason and offer no lessons—they’re just things that happen. And yet in these situations it can still feel satisfying to blame ourselves. Self-blame can be comforting, giving us the false sense that we are in control and are righting some wrong. But it can also take us down a path along which, like Maryann, we become consumed by shame. Because we feel irredeemable, we are unable to take constructive steps forward. Research shows that one way to help prevent this response is to cultivate more self-compassion,27 using an approach developed by the psychologist Kristin Neff. According to Neff, self-compassion involves recognizing your suffering, mindfully engaging with your emotions, and understanding that the pain you’re feeling is part of a shared human experience. This last element is particularly important: if you can contextualize an awful event in your life as something that can happen to other people, too, you’re more likely to depersonalize it and shift toward a more external locus of control—to interpret it as something that’s happened to you, as opposed to something that’s happened because of you.”
― Maya Shankar, The Other Side of Change: The Inspiring Bestseller on Finding Strength and Happiness in Adversity