Duffy Brown's Blog: New Cozy Series - Posts Tagged "amateur-sleuth"

Evie Bloomfield here from Tandem Demise, third book in the Cycle Path Mysteries. Tandem DemiseI’ve come to Mackinac Island from Chicago. Some of my friends say that one place is just like another but they are so wrong. So I gave them instructions. This is how you know you are on Mackinac Island and you are so not in Chicago.
... if you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week. (though truth be told this could be Chicago too)
... if you can identify an Ohio accent.
…if you don’t need car insurance
…if a fender bender is a two-bike crash
... if you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
... if you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you live
... if "Down South" means Toledo.
... if a Big Mac is something you can drive across.
... if you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
... if you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
... if the trees in your backyard have spigots.
... if you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.
... if you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".
... if you know what a pastie is.
... if you know how to play Euchre.
... if fudge and bicycles remind you of home sweet home.
... if you can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands.
... if you know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities.
... if you can actually pronounce Ypsilanti.
... if you own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
... if you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
... if you keep track of the miles you put on your snow blower.
... if you think everyone from the city has an accent.
... if you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
... if your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
…if you save your Christmas tree to help mark the path across a frozen lake for the snow mobiles
... if summer takes place the second week of July
... if you find -20F a little chilly.
... if the kids drive to school in a snow mobile.
... if you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Yesterday was summer.
... if you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
... you know the day the horses get off the ferry and return to the island
... if you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.
... if you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
... if you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings.)
... if down South to you means Ohio.
... if you go out to a fish fry every Friday.
…if the whole town is 500 people strong
... if you know what a Yooper is.
... if you know that UP is a place, not a direction.
... if you know it's possible to live in a thumb.

I’m spotlighting one of my characters, Auntie KiKi from my Consignment Shop series. Auntie KiKi is the auntie we should all have in our lives. She’s a family-first kind of Southern gal, auntie to Reagan the main character in the series and leaps before she looks.

Auntie KiKi lives in a house that’s been in her husband’s family since before Sherman parked his unwelcome hide in Savannah. She teaches dancing so the young people of Savannah don’t look like idiots at their cotillion and so that the not so young can show off at their 50th anniversary party.

Auntie KiKi here in Savannah and as much as I hate to say it we’ve been getting more than our share of funerals lately.
Now I understand that we all got to go sometime and some sooner than others but being dead is no excuse for bad manners and that’s why I’m here to be setting things to rights.

First of all and most important you must always be keeping your “death-ready” pantry up to speed. The number of dishes (or grief therapy as I like to call it) brought to the grieving person’s house suggests your social standing in the community. Do you want to be last on that very list, well I should say not.

As soon as you get the call that Miss So-and-so is toes over there at the slumber house you need be rushing right over to the family with stuffed eggs, chicken salad, caramel cake and some pecan tassies. And everyone knows Pimiento cheese spread is the very paste that holds the South together through think and thin.

Remember that casseroles that contain cream of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese are considered second tier presentations, but a can of cream of asparagus soup added elevates the dish to a higher status. And of course banana pudding is the Cadillac of southern desserts, so don’t be forgetting that.

And always remember it’s right important to refer to the deceased as successful, no matter how far from the actual truth that might be. The written description needs to include enough truth that the dead person is somewhat recognizable, but include enough flattery to please the grieving family and friends.

And of course you must encourage those relatives to attend who do the most carrying on. Someone discreetly weeping into a hankie just doesn't have the same appeal as multiple women screaming and throwing themselves onto the casket as it is being lowered into the ground. What good is a send-off unless it’s a mighty big one.

And as for the service…for heaven’s sake keep in mind that Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven is only appropriate for one of those Yankee funerals. In this part of the world Amazing Grace will do fine, thank you very much especially if there’s a martini two following right soon.

You all take care now, ya’ hear. Be sure to keep that death pantry stocked just in case and do let me know what’s your favorite dish to be sharing with your family and friends in these most unfortunate times.