Barbara Berger's Blog

“People are always asking me how I ended up living in Denmark”, says American-born author Barbara Berger, “and when I start telling them how it all began on a bench in Mexico City where Steve and I were sitting on the very first day we arrived there in 1966, after being on the run from the US military authorities for 1½ years because Steve had been drafted to go to Vietnam and we were against the war. And all we had was $150 in our pockets and nowhere to go. And then this artist walked over to us and asked us if he could sketch our faces because we were so beautiful. He started sketching our faces but then he suddenly stopped and said, ‘What are you doing here?’ And I blurted out, ‘We’re running away from the US army. Steve’s been drafted and we’re against the Vietnam War and the army is after him and we’re scared. We just got here and we don’t know what to do.’ He thought for a moment and said, ‘Don’t worry. I am from Sweden and I am a pacifist and I think you are doing the right thing. You can go home with me to Sweden and I’ll take care of you.’ Just like that. And the funny thing was that’s exactly what he did. He took us home with him to Sweden and he did take care of us. He turned out to be Ragnar Johansson, a famous Swedish artist, and his brother Rune Johansson was a journalist at ‘Dagens Nyheter’, Sweden’s largest newspaper. So when we got to Sweden, we became minor heroes, representatives of the new America, the young America that was saying no to the Vietnam War. And I wrote a book about it all which caused quite a stir in Sweden, Norway and Denmark.”
“And then whoever I’m telling this story to always says to me, ‘But Barbara you must write a book about all this.’ So I finally did, and here it is… My story… My Road to Power!”

Many people dread family get-togethers even if they really do love each other. We see this happening often – maybe you’ve even had this experience yourself and wonder why it’s so difficult. You really do love these people after all. The discomfort of meeting family is usually most obvious around Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and any other holiday where families traditionally meet. And this discomfort arises for adults who are meeting their parents (no matter how old the parents are) and for parents who are meeting their grown-up children (no matter how old the children are).

   This discomfort arises for many reasons. It can help to examine some of the reasons why this happens because just understanding why this happens can give more peace of mind.

   So let’s step back for a moment and remind ourselves of the basic mechanisms of mind. First of all it’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience which everyone in the family is having at the same time.  What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience.  One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience.  So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or freaked out of your mind, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience our own stuff. 

   When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include his or her dysfunctional beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) and the dysfunctional behavior that arises as a result of these dysfunctional beliefs and stories.  And because of this, it is also easy to see and understand that when the family gets together, it triggers each member’s individual issues – whatever they are! This is getting real about family get-togethers. This is waking up to the reality that people have a wide range of issues stemming from their family background and growing up years – and that family get-togethers are a great trigger for these issues. Hence the discomfort – your discomfort, his discomfort, her discomfort, yes everyone’s discomfort! 

   The reality is: Most families are more or less dysfunctional – there’s no shame in this.

It’s just the way things are…

   The reality is: Most people are more or less confused – and there’s no shame in this either.

It’s just the way things are…

   So if all this is true, what can we do about it?

   Well here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family!

1) It’s not your job to fix it

You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.

   Family meetings trigger each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. Again this is an impersonal mechanism.

   It’s not your job to fix this or fix the other people in your family. And the reality is – you can’t. Your job is to take care of you – and to realize that your own experience is your own. You are responsible for taking care of yourself in this situation – you are not responsible for taking care of the other people. (And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat everyone with respect). What it does mean is that you are not responsible for the other people’s happiness. (And again, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does this mean you shouldn’t learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not.)

2) Mind your own business

If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, go to a 12-step program or do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. Your job is to deal with your own issues.  It can be a great help to remember that you can’t know what’s good or bad in the long run for anyone in your family. What may seem like a crisis or a source of great discomfort to someone at the moment may in fact be the start of a great awakening for this person.

   And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can.

   You can do what you like. Always. (And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.)

3) It’s not so black and white

Remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there is some discomfort, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues!)

   You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of stuff. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?

   You probably love each other – even if you’re mad as hell. That’s just the way it is.

4) Be good to you

Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers the feelings of your wounded inner child. If you feel bad, know that this is okay. And when this happens (and it probably will), remember it’s your job to be your own loving parent and take good care of yourself. It helps to realize that none of these other people (no matter how good their intentions or how much they love you) can do this for you. This is your job. And with a little practice, you can do this.

   I know this might sound hard, but it also helps to realize that even though you really love these people, you don’t need them to live a happy life. Getting together will probably work better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well.  (And this doesn’t mean that this is not your preference).

   And finally if meeting the family is problematic for you, it also helps to realize that meeting the family will probably continue to be problematic for you – maybe for the rest of your life. But that if you are willing to do some inner work and then keep the basic principles outlined above in mind when you meet the family, things will probably be a little easier for you each time you meet. And if not, well remember, you can survive without your family.

5) When it’s best to stay away

There are also cases when it’s simply best to stay away from your family. If one or both of your parents or any other member of your family is abusive in any way, it’s your job to take care of you. And this means in situations like this, it’s probably best to stay away. This may also be the case if one of your parents or another family member is an alcoholic, a drug addict or dangerous (violent) in any way. Unfortunately, this is the reality in some highly dysfunctional families – even if the various family members maintain that everything is okay. All this means is that they’re in denial!  But just because they’re in denial, it doesn’t mean you have to be. So regardless of what they say and whether or not your family understands – if you feel abused, violated, unsafe, or shamed – stay away!

   I also highly recommend that if you come from this kind of background, you go to a 12-step program to get a little clarity about your situation. 12-step programs, such as ACA or Al-Anon, are extremely healing and liberating for people from dysfunctional families. Becoming a member and going to meetings regularly can help you understand your experience and why you feel like you do. When you begin to understand the mechanisms of dysfunctional families, you will better understand your wounds, insecurities and why you have such difficulty dealing with your family. And then, as you begin to gain a little clarity about your past, the programs can help you better understand that each and every one of us has a right to our own reality and that it’s each individual person’s job learn to take care of themselves in relation to their dysfunctional families.  And yes, this is something you can learn to do!

 

Dear friends,

I’m excited to tell you that five of my books, including my international bestseller “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” are now available as audio books! Read by me!

The five books are:

The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul (book 1)

The Road to Power 2 – More Fast Food for the Soul (book 2)

The Mental Laws – Understanding the Way the Mind Works

The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind

Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload.

The books are available on many of the popular streaming services like Mofibo, Saxo and soon also Audible.

So I hope you enjoy all the valuable information I present in these books. Information which can help you change and improve your life, regardless of your present situation.

As I say on the very first page of my book “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul”:

“We are what we think.

We become what we believe.

Our life is what we visualize.

Our life is what we say it is.

We can change our lives

by changing our thoughts.”

And then I continue:

“This is a book about power.

This is a book about the ways in which you can control your life

and create the life you’ve always wanted to live.

Our thoughts and words are all-powerful.

Through our thoughts and words,

we create our lives.

We are the only ones who have complete control

over our thoughts and words

because we are the only thinkers in our minds.

This is why we are so powerful.”

Simple and obvious as this may sound to many of us today, it is crucial that we all remember these important truths every single day. And put these truths into action. Especially today, in these very challenging times. Nothing is more important than that we reclaim our power and use every ounce of our strength and good energy to uplift in this world, wherever we may find ourselves.

May you too be blessed by these truths!

Love,

Barbara

Never before in human history have we had access to such graphic pictures, photos, images and stories in real time about what is going on with our neighbors just down the road (so to speak) in Europe. Never before have we been able to see, feel and experience up close the utter devastation and horror that is unfolding in the lives of so many of our fellow men and women right now. But today, thanks to television and social media, we are able to do this. We are able to experience all of this horror in real time. And it’s utterly heart-breaking. Utterly heart-breaking…

So therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be devastated, sad, depressed, outraged, horrified, enraged, angry, disappointed, confused, terrified, helpless, anxious, fearful, ashamed, desperate… and whatever other words we can put on the desperation we are all feeling every time we watch the news or look at our smartphones. It really is overwhelming… it just is… to see all the slaughter and destruction unfolding in Ukraine right before our eyes. What can we do but feel devastated and let our souls weep and mourn in the face of such utter madness and disregard for human life? This is the only natural, human response… this is what it means to be human. So yes, we can weep and weep we must. We must allow ourselves to be human and feel and mourn… because in truth we are one human family. And these are our brothers and sisters.

And then, at the same time, so many of us are trying to keep the high watch and remember all the love and goodness that exists at the same time in the world around us. And we can also focus on all the stories of bravery and kindness coming out of Ukraine and Poland and the surrounding countries and of all the people who are trying to help in whatever way they can wherever they are. And then we can also remember and notice the everyday goodness and kindness of so many of the people we meet every day wherever we live in the world. Yes, that is there too. Right in front of our eyes.

So yes, perhaps this is what it means to be human today… to walk the tightrope between utter despair and hope. To wake up each day trying to do whatever we can – each one of us – wherever we find ourselves to bring forth this inherent goodness, this original goodness in ourselves and in every person we meet on our pathway. Because yes, we are all one human family. YES WE ARE STILL ALL ONE HUMAN FAMILY!

Blessings to you wherever you are in this mad, crazy world...

#ukraine #freeukraine #peace #stopwar #healing

Barbara

PS: If you’d like to talk to me about your mental health in these troubling times, you are most welcome to book a private session with me. Either in person at my office in Copenhagen or online via Zoom or Skype or telephone. You can read more about my sessions on my Web site: www.beamteam.com under private sessions. 

It's hard to make any real progress on the journey of self-discovery, self-realization, self-empowerment and healing without telling the truth. We have to tell the truth to understand what's going on with us. We have to tell the truth to get the energy moving. We have to tell the truth for change to happen in our lives. The truth about what? The truth about everything. We have to tell the truth about Life and how we experience it. We have to tell the truth about how we feel. We have to tell the truth about ourselves, about the people we know, about our families, about the situations we've been in, about what has happened to us – and about what we have experienced and what we've been through. We can only be ourselves by doing this – by telling the truth. If we don't tell the truth, who are we? And when we do tell the truth, we also find out who we are. Interestingly enough, when this happens – when we tell the truth and are ourselves, we also set ourselves free. Nothing is more liberating than telling the truth.

   Until this happens, until we tell the truth, we often remain stuck in our old patterns, programs and belief systems. Our old conditioned responses and habitual reactions just continue. In many cases, these old habits and patterns actually grow stronger because our old patterns of thinking and behaving just gain more and more momentum. So until we begin telling the truth, we often find ourselves stuck in a rut. But the moment we begin telling the truth, the magic of change can begin.

   Truth telling is obviously a very well-known, effective therapeutic tool that has been used by psychologists, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, therapists, coaches, counselors, self-help groups, 12 Step Programs and more, for many, many years. But even though this is the case – and even though many people today know about or have heard about the benefits of truth telling – it can still be very beneficial for us to look at what exactly truth telling is all about – and how to do it.

Tell what happened to you

Firstly, truth telling is telling what you have experienced. In other words, what happened and how you experienced it and how you felt about it and how you feel about it today. It's all about you. It's not about what other people think happened. It's not about what your mother or father thought or think happened. It's not about what your partner thinks happened or what your children think happened. It's just about you. What you think happened. Your experience. That's it.

   It's also not about what you think you "should" think and feel. It's about what you actually do think and feel. It's about getting in touch with yourself. With your life experience. With what you know to be true for you. Without censoring it or modifying it or editing it. But obviously, this is not an easy thing to do for any of us. For several reasons:

   First of all because so many of us are afraid of the consequences and of what will happen if we actually do tell the truth. That is why I always say to clients when we’re doing truth telling in my office, let’s just forget about the consequences for now. Let’s make the decision that you are going to tell the truth and that you don’t have to act on what you are discovering and saying (not now and not ever) if you don’t want to. Just tell me the truth. Just say it for you. You don’t have to tell another soul. Just start by telling me (your coach/therapist). Your truth is safe with me, I am never going to tell another soul (unless of course you tell me you murdered someone).

   I also always say to people that once they’ve told the truth, if they do want to do something about it and say something to other people, well, then we come to the matter of what I call “constructive communications”. In other words, how to communicate respectfully and skillfully with the people you may have issues with. But that is a whole other project. For now, let’s just leave worrying about what to do with this information aside and focus on doing truth telling.

   The second reason why we're not used to telling the truth is because we've been programmed from an early age to believe there is a right and wrong way to think and feel. Moreover, most of us have also been programmed to please others. This is why it can be quite challenging and even anxiety-provoking to get in touch with what you really and truly think and feel. And then – on top of that – to actually say it out loud to another person. Wow. Now that often takes great courage.

   But it's a good thing to do. It really is. Because – as anyone who has tried it will tell you – you just feel better when you tell the truth about how you feel. You just feel lighter, more enlightened, and relieved.  And you feel more clarity about who you are and what you've experienced. That's just the way it is. And when you feel better, relieved, lighter, you just know for yourself that truth telling actually works.

   This is what truth-telling is all about in its most basic form.

Telling the truth to another person

There are different ways one can tell the truth. Let’s start with telling the truth to another person. In practice, it's often easiest and best to go to a professional therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist or coach and tell the truth to this person. Because this person is trained to listen and acknowledge you and probably has some understanding of the challenges we human beings face in our daily lives. Sessions with a trusted therapist can truly be life-changing and liberating. But it's a good idea to realize that this can also often be challenging and it might take a while to get into the flow of actually talking honestly to another person. But I highly recommend you give it a try and see what happens. It is also important to be aware that if the chemistry is not good between you and this person, you should go to someone else. You have an Inner Compass and if you do not feel comfortable with this person, go somewhere else. And don’t be afraid to try several people until you find someone you feel safe and comfortable with. Again this is about learning to trust your truth.

   And what about talking to friends? Most of us do this to begin with, but I often warn my own clients about being realistic when it comes to talking to their friends about their issues. The problem with talking to friends is that even though your friends care for you and want to support you and really do wish you well, your friends are usually not trained to listen and encourage you to find your own truth. Most often your friends will have their own ideas about what is best for you – so listening to friends can often make people feel even more confused. I hear this all the time from my clients. This is why I often suggest to clients to take a break from discussing their issues with their friends, at least while they are working with me. And until they get a little more clarity about who they really are and feel a little more stable, in terms of who they are and in terms of acknowledging their own truth. This is also why I've written a whole book – called "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass" – which is all about learning to trust and follow your own internal guidance system, if you want to live more happily and be more in alignment with your own truth. It's also good to remember that the sign of a good coach or therapist is that this person will almost never tell you what to do but will encourage you to find your own answers.

Blessings to you on your way!

Barbara

According to Buddhist teacher and therapist John Welwood, spiritual bypass is “"a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks". Since I work as a coach and therapist, I see this in some of the people who come to me for private sessions.

Such people usually have really high ideals and want to be loving, kind and forgiving towards others, including members of their own families and/or their own partners even if these relationships are unhealthy and there is a lack of healthy boundaries and respect for the basic right of each individual to be who he or she is.

Unfortunately, when someone is a “doormat” and/or a “people-pleaser” and says he or she has forgiven the people who have been disrespectful towards them or violated their boundaries in the past – it’s really a big problem especially if they are still being treated disrespectfully by these people. This is a clear sign of “spiritual bypass” because it means that they have not yet learned to set healthy boundaries or assert their right to be treated with respect.

I often ask these people the following questions:

What about you? Why don’t you matter?
Why are the feelings or ideas of other people more important than your ideas and feelings?
Don’t you have a right to be treated with respect?
How is allowing someone to treat you disrespectfully really being “loving and kind”?
Wouldn’t it be more loving and kind to yourself and to the other person to set healthy boundaries?
How are you helping yourself or the other person if you don’t have healthy boundaries and set limits and demand respectful behavior? What’s “loving and kind” about this kind of behavior?
What about you being loving and kind to yourself?  

When we explore these questions, we discover that love and kindness really has to begin at home, with ourselves, and that we have to learn to being loving and kind towards ourselves. Which translates into having healthy boundaries and being able to take good care of oneself. This is a vital step in healthy personal development and when we try to bypass this, it’s what we call “spiritual bypass” and it usually backfires….   For more about being assertive and setting healthy boundaries, see my book “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” and Part Two of my book “Find and Follow Your Inner Compass”. Available on Amazon or on my Website: www.beamteam.com

Even in these challenging times, the power of joy and laughter is still available to all of us. Why is this important to know? Because Exaltation is a magnet for all Good. Did you know that? That exaltation or high energy states are a magnet for all Good you seek. Yes… Exaltation and other high energy states are truly magnetic when it comes to attracting the Good that you seek. Which is really something worth thinking about.

   Because once we have metabolized this concept, once we get it, really get it, we won't ever be the same again. Because joy and laughter, exaltation, elation, exhilaration, rapture, enthusiasm, passion, bliss and gratitude are all states of mind which attract every Good thing in this universe.

   If you don’t believe this, try this: Make a mental note of when Good things happen to you and you will discover they happen when you're in an elevated state of mind. And extraordinary things happen when you're in a truly joyful or exalted state of mind—or in love…

   If you still don't believe me... just notice when the phone rings, for starters. There are no coincidences in this Universe. Which means that when you're down in the dumps, the complainers never fail to call. But as soon as your mood picks up, somebody happy calls to tell you some good news.

   Now why is it like this?

   Because like attracts like and Life is a Mind Game.

   Which is also why our present situation almost always reflects our dominant state of mind.

Keep On the Beam

Thus, to have a wonderful life, to be a great success at whatever we're doing whether it's washing windows, working in a supermarket, or managing a mega-company, all we have to do is keep on the beam. And by keeping on the beam, I mean keeping our mental energy high.

   And high states of mental energy include all the praiseful, exalted and grateful states of mind mentioned above including joy and laughter... not to mention love and kindness, compassion, delight and happiness. In short: All of the wonderful deep feelings and emotions that make living a joy.

   Compared to keeping our mental energy high, everything else is of minor importance.

   So if this is so important, how can we keep our energy high?

The Law of Substitution

The great Law of Substitution can help us.

   Since each one of us is the Choice-Maker in our minds, this means that we are the only thinkers in our minds and we can choose what to focus our attention on. So whenever we find ourselves thinking thoughts that lower our energy (for example thoughts that are critical, angry, negative, depressing or fearful), we can consciously choose to replace these low-energy thoughts immediately with more positive, high energy thoughts.  That’s what the Law of Substitution is all about. It’s about learning to be aware of our thoughts and then to replace those thoughts which do not serve us with more positive and constructive thoughts.    

   In this connection, it’s important to remember that when we tell ourselves to stop thinking negative thoughts, we’re trying to do the impossible. Because the mind doesn't work that way. The mind always has to have something to chew on. And when we say to ourselves not to think about this negative thing, what we are really doing is thinking even more about this thing we don’t want to think about. Which only magnifies (focuses more energy on) this negative mental state.

   But the Law of Substitution tells us that we can get rid of our negative thoughts and negative energy states by thinking about something else, in other words, by shifting our attention to something completely different. So as soon as we catch ourselves thinking negatively, we must learn to switch as fast as possible to other, more positive thoughts. In other words, substitute another thought for the negative thought that’s bothering you as fast as you can.

Do Whatever It Takes!

So think about the great fun you had at the beach with your Aunt Mathilde when you were seven years old. Think about how great you're going to look in the new jeans you bought online today. Watch your favorite film again! Or read an uplifting book, listen to some uplifting, upbeat music, call a friend who you know will cheer you up—just do something, anything to substitute a positive thought, a bright happy mental picture, for the negative one that's bothering you.

   If your state of mind is really negative and you are having difficulty substituting positive thoughts for your negative ones, be active. Go for a long, heart-thumping run, go out dancing, go cycling, or take a swim in the ice cold sea. In short: Do whatever it takes to relax, forget and shift your focus from whatever is bringing your energy down to something bright and happy.

Is This Brainwashing?

People sometimes ask me: Is this brainwashing?

   And I say: Yes of course it is!

   And I also say: If we don't control our minds, if we are not the Choice-Maker in our lives, someone else is sure to be.

   Our minds are picking up messages, are being programmed, all the time, every minute of the day—and have been since the moment we were born.

   We have all been brainwashed (programmed) by our parents, by our families, by our society and school and our peers and the media. There isn’t a person alive on the planet today who hasn't been subjected to massive amounts of brainwashing. And just because society calls it "education", doesn't mean it's not brainwashing.

   So I figure that if anybody's going to program or brainwash my brain, it better be me!

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In these very stressful times, many of us are experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety. Here is a simple but very effective exercise you can do any time and anywhere. It helps immediately to reduce the level of adrenaline and other stress hormones in your system and brings an immediate sense of relief.

The moment you experience any of the stress symptoms and/or have an anxiety attack and/or experience anxiety symptoms such as:

A fear flash
An electric jolt through your body
A heat flash (feeling suddenly very hot)
Heart beating rapidly (heart palpitations)
Heart pounding forcefully
That trembly-shaky feeling
Feeling that the body goes weak
Weak, shaky legs
Chest pains (muscular tension)
Muscular tension
Tension in neck and shoulders
Feeling unsteady or unbalanced
Nausea
Stomach discomfort (churning stomach)
Feeling muzzy headed (feel foggy in your head)
Feeling a sense of unreality

Here’s what to do:

Stop up immediately and take a deep breath
Breathe out slowly
Let your whole body slacken, slump and sag
Let everything become loose (let all your muscles relax)
Focus on where you are
Take another deep breath
Breathe out slowly
And then go on with what you are doing regardless of how you are feeling instead of recoiling in fear and tensing up and resisting how you feel
Float forward with whatever you are doing
It’s okay to move forward slowly, but move forward
Slacken those reins, don’t try to stop yourself from feeling what you are feeling
Move forward slowly with as little muscular tension and resistance as possible
No need to rush, take it slow and easy
If necessary, take some more deep breaths and continue to slacken and loosen your muscles

Repeat this exercise as often as you need to during the course of your day. Relaxing and letting go are an actual physiological process which sooner or later calms the body because when you don’t resist the stress or anxiety symptoms (such as the fear flashes), the body stops secreting more adrenaline into the system and eventually calms down. But it is important to understand that this calming effect may not happen immediately if your body is really stressed and sensitized (hypervigilant), so you have to keep practicing this Right Reaction exercise for a while until you really feel the full results.

   So many of my clients tell me this exercise really helps. So please give it a try.

Today, the horrific situation in the US is breaking my heart… the divisiveness, the lack of basic respect and common decency, the breakdown of basic democratic principles and institutions… all of which is making almost any kind of civilized political debate impossible… well it just breaks my heart.

So I am hoping and praying that everyone of you who reads this and who is able to vote in the US election, is doing so and doing so fiercely and with pride.

Remember, every single one of us has a voice, and our voices matter. And in this situation, your right to vote is your voice. Please use it.

For me, living here in Denmark as I do, watching the unfolding situation in the US today really triggers in me the memory of my own traumatic departure from the US. As many of you know, in the early 1960s when I was 18, the Vietnam War was really starting to turn ugly. My boyfriend Steve had just dropped out of college and was immediately drafted into the army. Steve and I were against the Vietnam War. My father was a military man and worked at the Pentagon, so our opposition to the war wasn’t very popular in my family. At that time, there was the draft in the United States so Steve had only two options – join the army or go to jail for five years. The protest movement hadn’t really begun yet in the United States and Steve and I felt very alone with our choices. But it was a question of doing the right thing and we had only our lives and our bodies to do it with – so we did. We decided we would not be a part of a war that we thought was unjust. So I ran away from home and Steve ran from the army – and together we went underground. We left the United States and after two years on the run and many adventures, we ended up getting political asylum in Sweden, a country that opposed American involvement in Vietnam. And 2 years later, I was living in Copenhagen and my first book about the youth rebellion against the Vietnam war was published in Denmark and Sweden.

Doing the right thing

Because of this experience, I learned at an early age that doing the right thing isn’t always easy and that all one’s choices always have consequences – both for oneself and for the world. In the case of the Vietnam War, fortunately there were many other young Americans who felt the same way as Steve and I did and eventually America withdrew from Vietnam, but only after so many lives were tragically destroyed.

For me personally, this decision changed the course of my whole life and resulted in me leaving the country of my birth at a very young age and building a new life in Scandinavia where I still live today. Many years later when I saw my father for the last time, he cried and apologized for not understanding or supporting me way back then when I was young. Such is the way of it.

The impulse to do the right thing burns brightly in each of us.

It is our nature, the heart of us, which is love and which is crying out for respect and common kindness and decency. When we oppose our innermost nature, we suffer and so do others. That is why I feel so strongly that if we want to live happy lives, we must not disregard this urge, this flame, this bright impulse for justice and to do the right thing (which is always an expression of love) – regardless of the cost. This flame is our morning star, this flame is our guiding light, this flame is the heart of each one of us.

So please today, when it counts so much – stand up for the highest and best you can envision – and vote in the US election if you can. Our voices matter. All our voices matter. Your voice matters. Your vote matters!

 

You have a right to be you! This high ideal is a deeply spiritual principle. It is something which the founders of the United States of America understood when they wrote the following words in the Declaration of Independence in 1776 “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” To this day, this statement is not only the basis of democracy, it is a high calibration truth and one of the most profound statements ever formulated by humankind. And it’s something we all need to consider deeply each and every day.

And as I said, this high ideal is based on the deeply spiritual understanding that each human being is a divine creation, a unique creation of the Living God, and therefore has inherent worth and should be treated with respect, no matter who he or she is. And no matter how high or how low the person’s standing or outer situation is. And obviously, truly understanding this highly spiritual concept is so important very, very important today, in these very challenging and troubling times. Because unfortunately, when we forget this, when we forget our origin and who we really are, we flounder and are lost in terms of taking good care of ourselves and treating our fellow human beings with respect.

The other thing is this… when we understand and recognize the inherent worth of each of our fellow human beings, we can also understand that the ultimate abuse occurs when someone tries to violate another person’s unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And this, as we all know, is something that is happening all around us, right now, right where we are. Just turn on the TV or listen to the news and we see it happening. Yes, here, there and everywhere.

But it’s not just in the political arena and on the streets that this disrespect and abuse is happening. It’s also happening even closer to home. For some, or perhaps many of us, it’s in our very own families and/or in the lives of people around us or close to us. Which can be pretty shocking to recognize and admit. But it’s true nevertheless. And when we do recognize this, when we do wake up to this, we begin to realize that disrespect and abuse are not just out there but also in here. Often right where we are.

Because I work as a coach and a therapist, I know this for a fact. Because I talk to people every day and I get to hear what’s going on in families and other close relationships. I get to hear about people’s difficulties and challenges. And the truth is, almost everyone I talk to during these private sessions (whether on Skype or Zoom or face to face in my office) has experienced or is experiencing some lack of respect or some type of abuse. And what is more, they are suffering today (and sometimes greatly) from the effects of this abuse. More concretely, they are suffering from and struggling with the reality that someone close to them has tried to violate their unalienable right to their own life, and to liberty (which is the freedom to make their own choices and do what they want – and experience the consequences of these choices). In other words, their right to pursue happiness in whatever way they deem best (and again to experience the consequences) has been hindered, blocked and/or denied. I hear this often from my clients. And it’s heartbreaking…

So yes, even in these so-called modern times, I still hear stories of peoples’ basic rights to live their own lives as they deem best being violated. And being violated by their own partners or families or parents. Or by someone close to them who thinks they somehow know what’s best or what’s right for the person in question to think, say, or do. It’s maddening to hear such stories. Because when you think about it… it’s just plain idiocy. Because how can anyone else, no matter how well intentioned or well informed, actually know what’s really and truly best for another human being? It presupposes the ability to get inside another person’s soul and know what their life’s journey is all about. And it also presupposes being able to get inside another person’s head and know how this person thinks and feels – and then to take control of this person’s thinking and feeling. And obviously, this is just not possible. Which is why this is such a basic violation of another’s human being’s rights. The moment you meet or hear anyone who deems to know better than another person what’s best for that person… well it’s time to pack your bags and run for the door and get out of there as fast as possible. But unfortunately, there are so many people who can’t just pack up and run. Many wives can’t, many wives with small children can’t, many small children and even older children just can’t. So many unfortunate people are stuck. Stuck in situations that are disrespectful, even abusive… struck… struggling…. struggling to breathe, struggling to catch a breath of fresh air, struggling to survive so that hopefully one day they will be able to stand firm in their own unalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

That is why I say – based on my experience as a coach and therapist - that the violation of human rights is not just something that is happening out there in the political arena or on the world stage… it’s also happening right here where we are. In our own homes and/or in the homes of our friends and neighbors. And it’s time we wake up and recognize all of this….

Why? Because I doubt very much that we can fix out there until we fix in here. Because… Out there is just a reflection of in here…

So yes, let’s all stand up for respect… yes for decency and respect, wherever we are, whatever we are doing. And yes, it makes a huge difference what we do today, right where we are.

Blessings to you!