Lisa Kohn's Blog

I am being with this more and more.

Forget fix. Just notice.

I don’t have to make anything better. I don’t have to do more than I need to. I don’t have to do anything at all. My day is full – and full enough – when I just notice.

When I notice the sun in the sky and the clouds turning pink. When I notice the children laughing in the playground. When I notice the joy or confusion or peace or angst or love or pain surfacing inside me. Sometimes all surfacing at once.

When I notice your pain, I don’t have to fix it. I can simply sit with you. When I notice my pain, I don’t have to fix it. I can simply sit with me.

The world is so beautiful and complex and varied and full. People are so beautiful and complex and varied and full.

I’m paying more attention (and intention) to my reactions to those around me. What of it is my story? What of it is my expectations? What of it do I need – or want – to let go of. To simply notice, have grace with myself (and others) and notice.

There definitely are things to fix in the world around us. There definitively are things I hope to fix in the relationships around me.

And more and more and more, I’m simply noticing.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

The post forget fix just notice appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

I went for my morning cup of coffee to my “this is my Cheers coffeeshop” in town. The sweet barista asked me how I was, and before I was a bit aware of what I was saying, “Wonderful!” came out of my mouth.

It surprised and delighted me.

Things hadn’t felt fully wonderful – I hadn’t felt fully wonderful – for a while.

Even as I live so much in hope, joy, yellow birds, love, and possibility, I was in the midst of a cancer scare at the time. (I am fine and clean.) I was processing up-till-then-hidden childhood trauma. I was feeling slower and weaker (again) in body and mind. I was shifting and growing and figuring out and learning…and it was all hard. Good, but hard.

So, I was surprised and delighted when “Wonderful!” emerged from my soul, and I leaned into that “Wonderful!”

Hard.

I reminded myself that if my body, brain, and heart could answer with “Wonderful!” then “Wonderful!” was how I was.

I let myself feel it. Delight in it. Submerse myself in it. Soothe myself with it.

I looked inside and saw and felt “Wonderful!” and I looked at my dear, sweet barista and saw “Wonderful!” reflected on their face as well

This two-second exchange reminded me of the choice I always have and usually make. That even with all-the-all I was experiencing, I was also “Wonderful!” I could choose that, moment by moment if necessary, and lean into it even more.

I am “Wonderful!” How are you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

The post out of my mouth came wonderful appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

Trigger warning – sexual assault and trauma

We were asked to summarize one of our stories into a few words. All I could think was, “I have so many stories…which one?”

It slowly became clear that “it was hard” encapsulated it all.

My therapist used to tell me that she thought things would get easier for me when I finally admitted how hard it was. My childhood was. Even my recent-ish past has been.

She was right.

There seems to be a common trait of at least some trauma survivors – or at least the ones I find. We somehow seem unable or unwilling to admit how hard something was. Or is.

I find that I drop stories lightly and then realize they’re not light. When I tell people that I start my keynote standing on a bridge deciding whether or not to jump. Then I notice the gasp on their face. When I casually throw out that I’ve discovered that the “simple sexual trauma” I experienced as a child was anything but simple. Was a lot. And the people I’ve just told reach for the wall to steady themselves.

Perhaps it’s a form of denial that helps one get through things. Perhaps it’s the “grit your teeth and just do it” that gets us through…and makes the hard seem like it must not be that hard. Perhaps one just gets used to it in some weird way.

All I know is I spent many years asking my therapist if my childhood was hard. Even though people read my memoir and cried or told me how unbelievable it was.

Then one day I began to realize how hard it was.

It started with a sort of healing circle in a church in London, where the leader invited me to feel what was buried deep inside of me…and I ended up screaming at god. Screaming at god in a church. Something inside me cracked open and so much started to pour out.

The next step was a series of different types of bodywork. The reactions I had as my body – which had kept the score – began to release some of its terror and pain and harm and trauma were undeniable. And mildly terrifying. Or at least convincing that some things must have happened to me for my body to react the way it did when invited to release and heal.

I began to realize…if this is what’s in me, then it must have been at least a wee bit hard.

I sat with that. I felt that. I felt more and more and more. Terror. Grief. Rage. Terror. Grief. Rage. My therapist applauded that I was finally crying and sobbing, finally expressing anger. Finally letting it all out. Even all that I didn’t ever know was in me.

I would sit on her couch and say over and over and over, “It was hard. It was hard. It was hard.”

And it began to get easier. Just like she said it would.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

The post it was hard appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

“What good is easy?’ my yoga instructor asked. “If it’s easy, we’re not learning. We don’t want easy.”

Welp, I disagree. Actually, I disagreed. Out loud, albeit to myself.

Don’t get me wrong. Not easy (aka hard or sometimes really, really hard) has probably, in at least some if not many ways, gotten me to much of where I am today.

It was hard – fun but hard – to build my coaching and consulting practice. It was hard – just hard – to get through cancer and chemo. It was hard – it is hard – to keep moving through the many layers of trauma I’ve discovered, and damn, am still discovering. It clearly was hard to live through all of that as well.

I have been quite good at doing hard. And, in many ways, I am grateful for that.

But to say I don’t want easy…welp that’s just not true.

I want people to ask me what’s going on and to answer, “actually not much right now.” I want to turn to myself at the end of the day and congratulate myself on how slow and easily and gently I took that day and all my tasks and accomplishments. I’m ready for the universe to get over it’s hilarious recent sense of humor and give me just a wee bit less to work through or to get done.

I’m even ready to learn easier. It doesn’t have to be hard for me to learn something. I’m learning so much right now – in all my practices – and it’s quite easy.

Going easy wasn’t how I raised myself. It’s the opposite of the Mighty Mouse complex I used to have. That I needed to have. Pausing and laughing and playing along my way used to be the hugest learning for me.

I’m happy to say, I’m getting quite good at it.

I know why my yoga instructor said what she did. And I still like hard in yoga…sometimes.

But I also now really like – and really look forward to – easy.

How about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

Photo by Yannic Läderach on unsplash

The post I’m ready for easy appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

As I wrote last week, the week before was the debut of my new keynote, First Most Always™️: Your Path to Wholeness Leadership.

Anyone who knows me even a wee bit will not be surprised to hear I had fun with and for the audiences – telling my story and sharing my learnings (and teachings) in a way that’s hopefully entertaining and memorable…and more importantly makes a difference.

Here’s some of the difference I already know I made:

A person with adult-diagnosed Autism told me that he had always hated his brain…until he heard the keynote and my reminder that we are perfect, just as we are (especially our brains)Two strangers vulnerably shared during lunch, strengthening a new connection and reinforcing their own commitment to change their behaviorsSomeone has taken on the FLYT™️ Path of Feeling their feelings, Letting go of the lies in their head, Yielding to their perfection, and Transforming themselves with total joy to find their own transformation and brain rewiringPeople are looking at their yellow birds, remembering their commitment to finding their joyAn attendee has used First Most Always™️ to bring their team together more successfully

And I’ve just started.

Me, I’m remembering to pause even more. To put my hand on my heart. To delight in my yellow birds (and the yellow paint on the sidewalk). To love myself endlessly, uncontrollably, deeply, and absolutely committedly, even as I walk through more fire. (More on that maybe next week.)

I know with all I have to know that when we increase our self-care, self-concern, and self-compassion, we open ourselves up to so much. To life. To love. To joy.

How about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

Photo by CreateHERStock on nappy

The post how audiences are responding to First Most Aways™️ appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

Last week was the audience kickoffs of the revised First Most Always™️: Your Path to Wholeness Leadership keynote. Two days in a row!

If I say so myself, I touched hearts, opened minds, brought strangers together in vulnerability and support, began to shift mindsets, and maybe changed behaviors – or at least ignited intentions to change behaviors.

And I had so much fun!

Two things became very clear to me in these two kickoffs. First, why I so strongly know that we can and must love ourselves First Most Always. Second, why some people have a hard time with that.

Many of us are crueler to ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. We would never treat anyone like we treat ourselves. Some of the things I heard people share during the keynotes, that they say to themselves – “You’re stupid. You’re ugly. You never get things right.” – are so harsh. So harsh.

We never get the best out of anyone else when we treat them harshly. Why would it be any different with ourselves? Loving ourselves First Most Always can bring out our best.

Many of us live our lives “knowing” that we’re not good enough. “Knowing” that there’s something wrong with us. “Knowing” that deep down inside, we’re broken or unlovable.

These are not true. We definitely are good enough, even if there are parts of us that we (and others) wish were different. And again, these inner dialogues don’t bring out our best. They demotivate, depress, and disengage us.

I firmly know that we all deserve love and to be loved. That one of the best places to get that is from ourselves. It can be quite hard to do at first – I know this firsthand. But caring for ourselves, putting ourselves first at times, treating ourselves with love and compassion – as if we’re the most important person in our lives (which we are, because without us, well, we wouldn’t be here!) is life changing.

These things build up our strength, our heart, our kindness and generosity from within.

Some people have questioned First Most Always. Have seen it as selfish. Let me be clear, loving yourself First Most Always in no way means not loving and caring for others. It just means learning to love ourselves, which many of us have not been good at. At all.

It doesn’t mean not sharing. It doesn’t mean not caring. It means making time and space and energy for you as well.

Besides, I sometimes think that “selfish” gets a bad rap. I think that many of us need to learn to be a bit more selfish. Those who were taught to only care for others? Those who were taught that they didn’t really matter? Those who were taught that everyone else’s needs came first? They damn well need a stretch of focusing on themselves and taking care of themselves, in my not so humble opinion.

If we don’t care for ourselves, if we don’t fill ourselves up, we have nothing to give. It’s when we’re full and happy that we have so much to give. That we can give without resentment or hesitation. Our happiness is really our own job, and it perhaps counterintuitively brings so much to others and the world.

I also had people ask me how to love themselves First Most Always. They told me they had no idea how to do it. How to start. I told them to pick one thing and do it, over and over, every day, and let the goodness sink in. If it’s hard to do at first, stay with it. Thank yourself for it. Delight in it.

It may be as simple as sitting still for five minutes. Or starting your day with your hand on your heart and telling yourself you love yourself. It may be as life changing as promising yourself you’ll stop talking negatively to yourself. Or promising yourself you’ll celebrate you – your wins, your sense of humor, your brains, your strength, your great laugh…or all of the above. It may be only saying things to yourself that you’d say to that person you love most (the one who’s not you).

I am committing to writing more explicitly about why and how to love ourselves First Most Always. Why and how it’s great for us. Why and how it’s actually great for those around us. And the world.

In my not so humble opinion.

How do you love yourself First Most Always? What’s worked for you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

The post what’s so essential about First Most Always appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

I’m sitting on my side porch, watching my yellow bird, so thankful that it came to say hello, letting its beauty and love permeate my heart, spirit, and weary body.

I am healing from Covid…the unexpected gift of my time away.

I’m getting many texts from many dearests reminding me to take it easy and slow. It – quite laughingly – makes me realize how “not take it slow” I must have always been.

Happy to say, I’m not that anymore. Or at least not as much.

During my time away, I spent four days with beautiful Leadership Circle Profile™️ coaches from all over the world. (One of whom just texted me from Lebanon, and ping me if you want to know more about this life-changing 360 assessment.) We shared on so many levels – work, life, healing, heart, soul, love. We basked in each other’s beauty and stoked that beauty to even more.

Perhaps most importantly, I learned to say, “Super Cool.”

We spent a great deal of time discussing the world – its pain and suffering and uncertainty and challenges – as well as the hope and love we see and try to bring and give. The dualities of life, both are outrageously true, especially now. We talked about how hopeless and sometimes hopeful we felt. What we were doing. What we wanted to do. What we planned to do. What the world needed from us collectively and individually.

And I learned Super Cool.

“Super Cool,” two of my new German dearests said, pretty much all the time.

“Let’s schedule a time to talk.”

“Super Cool.”

“I have this idea for next year’s gathering.”

“Super Cool.”

“I am so glad we met!”

“Super Cool.”

It brought such a huge smile to my face and heart.

I found, and I’m letting, Super Cool be my new mantra and daily intention. To see my Super Cool’s – like my yellow bird, all the dearest coaches and friends, my family and home(s), the hope and possibility we have and see, even now – and to create more Super Cool’s for others. To as always, as I can, choose and share joy.

Now is hard – for the world collectively and for many of us individually, me included.

I know that Super Cool will keep me going, keep me knowing things will be okay enough (if not better), keep me loving.

As always, with all my heart.

Super Cool.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always™️!

Photo by CreateHERStock on nappy

The post life is Super Cool appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

I was on Long Beach Island with my family.

I was running.

It was hot.

When it’s hot, I run without a shirt. Since my surgery, I have no breasts. Since I have no breasts, I see no reason to wear a shirt. Especially when it’s hot.

I know it’s not the norm. I know that society doesn’t really welcome going flat or top surgery or choosing to have your breasts removed or a public display of a double – or single – mastectomy (which is not how I can or will refer to my surgery), and exercising without a shirt is maybe forcing that into people’s faces.

But it makes no sense to me to be hotter than I need to be when I run.

I get a lot of weird reactions. Again, I know I’m not the norm. I say hello to everyone who passes by me, and I get some smiles and hellos, but I also get a lot of ignoring – looking at me and then looking away – and a lot of what seem to be disapproving stares.

But the other day I ran past two people walking and said good morning, and after I passed them, they started to cheer and applaud.

It took a bit for that to sink in – for me to register the clapping and cheering. Then I turned around and walked back to them.

“Is that for me?” I asked.

“Absolutely!” they answered. “We hope you don’t mind.”

I think that’s when I started to tear up. I told them that often I got weird stares and ignoring and disapproval. I told them that they made my day. My week. It had been a very hard week in a lot of ways.

They told me they admired my strength, my courage, my confidence, me.

I asked them if I could hug them, which, in retrospect, was quite rude, as (again) I had been running, and it was hot, and I was sweaty. But they hugged me. As I turned to start running again, they shouted out to me, “Keep rocking it!”

You never know when your comment to a stranger will support them, cheer them, give them what they long for.

This is why I talk to strangers.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always!

Photo by Nappy Stock on nappy

The post this is why I talk to strangers – part two appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

I have a dearest who is not only a dearest of decades, but who is also a kick-ass therapist, and a trauma therapist at that.

“You are the poster child of working trauma. You have done and do all it takes and whatever it takes to heal,” she said to me. “If there’s something that may help you, you check it out.”

Perhaps needless to say, I cried upon hearing this, especially from her.

My journey of healing spans decades, and yes, as I confess in my keynote, first I had to learn that there was something in me to heal…and that I deserved it. It started with 12-step and therapy and expanded from there. As I’ve written here, once to the moon and back was published, and I found the cult-survivor community and specifically the community of Second Gens (those of us born and/or raised in a cult), my healing journey got even more real. Once I realized what was (intentionally) done to my brain and how it affected me, and how it affected me still, the examining and excavating and being with and grieving (and..and..and…more than I need to write here and I’ll share more with anyone who DMs me to hear) took off exponentially.

As did my sense of me inside. It took off – and deepened – exponentially. I took off – and deepened – exponentially.

I have tried many things. A lot of things. Some I stick with, and some I don’t. I’m probably most proud of my ability to play with healing modalities un-fanatically. It used to be a desperation to find and do the things that would heal me and make me better. To find and do them perfectly.

Now it’s just an easy part of my life; it doesn’t have to happen immediately or all at once; and I know that I don’t have to be any better. I’m fine just as I am, even as I’m continuously learning and shifting and growing.

I feel so good inside. Better than I ever knew existed. There is more love, more peace, more joy, more beauty, more love.

I am so happy to be the poster child of working trauma. I am so lucky to have found this way. I am so thankful for all I’ve learned and all I’ve experienced and all I am and that I get to share it.

Go figure.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

The post you are the poster child of working trauma appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.

I was rehearsing First Most Always (my new keynote – ping me for details to be one of the first to see it!) with my theatre-camp friends, as someone’s partner refers to us all, and I hit the part about Post Traumatic Growth.

“You don’t seem very excited about it,” they said. “How do you actually feel?”

Let me be clear. This feedback was all about us learning to emote with the audience whilst on stage and to be fully, fully, fully authentically ourselves on stage, not about the gloriousness of Post Traumatic Growth, which is outrageously glorious.

But I somehow wasn’t conveying that gloriousness. At all.

So, let me be clear again. It is outrageously, magically, powerfully, absolutely f——g glorious. Gloriousness and ease and joy and strength and power and groundedness and me-ness that I never knew existed. That I had no idea was possible.

The old “don’t speak too highly of yourself” tapes in my head had pushed me not to share that gloriousness. Not here and not in my keynote. But my dear theatre-camp friends reminded me that that is exactly what I need to share.

I need to be as clear as I can be, so that others will know that whatever work and play they do on their own healing and growing, it is so so so so so so so f——–g worth it.

Absolutely worth it.

I sometimes still have tough moments and reactions and protective responses. I sometimes still re-remind myself that it is a process and there’s more to come and go. I sometimes still must actively remember to pause and breathe and ground and be…and that it’s okay to be…and that I no longer have to fight to be,

But even those moments are fewer and fewer. More and more of my time is fully me, fully in me, fully wholed me.

And that is f———g amazing!

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

The post Post Traumatic Growth is so f——k amazing! appeared first on International Speaker, C-Suite Advisor, Creator of Joy, Love Yourself First Most Always | Lisa Kohn.