Balaka Basu's Blog

Am I the only one who is feeling this way? Or are all of you sensing that things are not as hunky dory as we are expected to believe? Small indicators are telling that things are not as prosperous and growing as they should be. I am not against online shopping or e-commerce. But online shopping is killing one thing, and that is the sense of community we once had. There is no personal touch, no matter what the advertisements say.
I am an old-school woman. Before all these grocery apps bombarded our lives with convenience and laziness, our lives were different. I had a milkman who came and dropped off the milk packet at wee hours. We spoke for a while about the weather. On hotter days, we complained about how hot and humid it was. On colder days, we spoke about how it was getting colder. I knew his name; he called me Bhabi. And we shared a bond. After COVID, he stopped coming, and now I buy milk through an app. Unlike my old milkman, these app delivery guys do not ring the doorbell, and I don’t know who comes and delivers my milk.
There was a breadwala whom all of us in the society used to wait for in the morning. He came and sold bread, eggs, chips, brownies, and other farsaan. He came at a fixed time, and I often kept my toaster ready right before he arrived. I knew his name; he called me Bhabi. He knew my preferred type of bread. The kids got excited to buy chips and other junk food from him. He knew I would get angry if the kids bought too much junk, so before giving it to them, he always asked me if he should sell it. Some days, if a child had a sore throat, he would himself refuse to sell junk and warmly say, “I’ll give you the chips once your throat gets better.”

The app doesn’t care if anyone has a sore throat. No matter how AI-enabled these apps are, they will never chide a child for eating junk food with a sore throat. The breadwala still comes, but he hardly has any more patrons left in our society. The other day, he shared his sorrow and told me that he is planning to quit this business and start driving auto rickshaws. They have been doing this business for two generations and now he has to end it.
Every year, before Diwali, the market near my house used to have grand Diwali decorations with lights adorning the streets. The entire area sparkled, and it felt so joyous and festive. This year, there were no lights or decorations. The shopkeeper’s association couldn’t decorate due to a lack of funds. Most brick-and-mortar shops in the market are not making enough profit, so they can’t contribute. The darkness before Diwali felt symbolic.
I frequently visit a bookshop in my locality—the only bookshop left within a 10-kilometre radius. Earlier, the father ran the shop; after his untimely demise, his young son took over. The bookshop has a very good collection of books. However, these days, they are struggling to keep it running. The young man is worried that he may not be able to carry on for long. I also feel worried. I love visiting the shop to browse through a few pages of interesting books, explore new arrivals, and touch and feel the books. The shop always smells of new books, but some corners also smell of old ones. I love that smell. The shop owner knows the kind of books I love. He often comes up to me, hands me a book with a smile, and says, “I think you’ll like this one.”
The grocery shops in our locality used to have thriving businesses. They knew us, our requirements, and always gave prompt service. They had delivery boys who were friendly and always asked how we were doing. Now, with these grocery apps, every day a new face arrives to deliver, and there is no familiarity. They come, deliver, and leave. Unlike the local grocery delivery boys, they never chit-chat. I still order from local groceries—it is my feeble attempt to keep them running.
The apps have their own stories. I am scared for myself and for the lives of delivery boys who rush on their bikes to deliver. They have strict deadlines and often break traffic signals. They don’t get paid properly. The sharks who run these apps earn millions, but the delivery boys—who are the backbone of this industry—hardly make any money. Worse still, so many highly educated boys are doing these menial jobs. I have come across multiple Uber and Rapido drivers who are engineers. They say they get paid more driving rented cars than working in engineering jobs. Imagine what a waste of time, skill, education, and money.
There were quite a few pre-schools in our locality that also went out of business. Regular schools are finding it difficult to enrol students. They are hiring marketing departments just to attract admissions. Layoffs have become common, and it has been normalized. There is no action from the government to regulate layoffs. Every corporate employee goes to the office with an underlying fear that this could be their last day.
And amidst all these, Instagram gurus are minting money exploiting the insecurities of people. They are teaching manifestation, chakra, tarot, chanting, and whatnot.

Perhaps this is just a transitional phase in human civilization. As we know that change is the only constant and this is that. Are you relating to this? Or do you have a different perspective?

Those of us who were born in late 70s and early 80s have probably seen maximum technological evolution in the history of human civilization. We are the eyewitness of the real transformation from analog to digital. While growing up in a small town in the hills, our town had not a single television set. Telephone was also found only in offices and commercial establishments. The first time I saw a television set was in October 1984. A family had recently bought a new television set. My family didn’t even know them yet we went to their place to watch the cremation of Late Indira Gandhi. Their hall was overcrowded and they opened their windows, so that people could stand in the windows and watch TV. I am sure in 2025, it is impossible to imagine such a situation where the entire town is sharing one TV screen because now every individual has their own screen.

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In school, our batch was the first one to get introduced to a computer class. We all went to the computer room, which was the only air-conditioned classroom in the entire school. We had to remove our shoes before entering that class. No food items were allowed in that room. The entire class took turns to use the computer. These days, kids carry their own laptops to school and there we were scrambling with one desktop. While in college, I even enrolled for a ”computer course” as my father felt that without computer knowledge it would be difficult for me to get a job. He himself also did one course in his 60s as he was worried that without knowing computer he will turn obsolete. And trust me whatever we learned have all become obsolete now as nobody using is MS DOS anymore.

Growing up, there was no color television. Our first TV was a black and white TV that came inside a box. The box had a shutter. Every night, we used to close the shutter. There was only TV channel Doordarshan. DD Metro came much later. We often watched CNN through Bangladesh TV. There was a trick, where if we changed the direction of our TV antennae, we could catch Bangladesh TV that had live telecast of CNN. I watched the demolition of Babri Masjid using this method. Radio also had only channel. FM came way later. First color Television came before one of the football world cup. My dad wanted to watch football in color.

Telephone, refrigerator, a car, a washing machine, even something as basic as a mixer grinder was a novelty. There were telegram for urgent messages. I remember whenever we received a telegram. My mom’s face used to turn pale. She often prayed to God before reading the telegram. In most cases, telegram carried news of someone’s illness, death. In some cases, it announced the birth of a baby. Sometimes, it meant someone got a job. Other times, it indicated someone was about to visit our home. Telegrams always carried mixed emotions. There were three types of letters that we received. One that was extremely private came in an envelope. There were inland letters and postcards for more casual exchanges. However, my favorite were the Par avion airmails that came from abroad. I always felt they smelled different. I loved reading the addresses in those letters. It almost transferred me to distant foreign lands where everything was different. Now, I no longer receive Par Avion, as my friends and cousins abroad video call me while doing their laundry. How boring!! These video calls have literally killed my romance with the foreign land.

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For a long time, we didn’t have our own telephone. Whenever we needed to make a call, we went to the nearby PCO. There were three types of calls. Local calls, STD and ISD. STD and ISD were expensive and people made them only during emergencies. At least, we hardly called. Sometimes, we even received calls at our neighbor’s house — they had an official phone because Uncle worked in the police. My Ma had strictly forbidden me from giving their number to any of my friends. She would sternly say that we should receive only important calls there; otherwise, we’d be disturbing them.

But now, when I think back, I realize that the family never seemed bothered whenever our calls came through. In fact, Aunty always offered me something to eat while I waited for a call. The usual routine was that whoever wanted to speak to us would first call from a PCO to inform Aunty to get us. Then, after about 10–15 minutes, they would call again. In the meantime, Aunty’s son would come over to fetch us. Sometimes, the caller didn’t ask to speak to us directly but simply left a message, which Aunty would kindly convey later. I remember the day my grandmother passed away, the hospital called Aunty at 4 am. She came crying to our house, even though she had never met my grandma. Times were different, and people were warmer and kinder, perhaps.

I bought my first Nokia after receiving my first salary. No WhatsApp, no social media. However, we were excited with the SMS feature. By then, almost every house had landline telephone. Mobile was just a luxury item. I first used Google while doing a college project. It was a group project and all of us were spending lots of time in the library. Our professor, told us that there is something called Google that will reduce our work. None of us had access to computers. Our professor arranged with one of his friends who had a business. He had a few computers in his office, which he agreed to allow us to use. We traveled by metro for an hour every day to go and use the computer and learn Google. When I tell this story, he cannot believe that we were so stupid that we had to learn Googling, something his generation knew by default.

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I was once doing a project with Rosa Luxemburg University. They asked if I knew how to use computers. I nodded. On the first day, they asked me to take a printout. Trust me, I literally sweated trying to format the page before printing. I even feared that they might fire me due to this incompetence.

2000 onward, things started changing. Internet became powerful. We became familiar with websites. Social media gradually started entering our lives. It started with Orkut. Soon, Orkut was overpowered by Zuck’s Facebook. We started to learn how to use the internet. Gmail and Yahoo chat rooms taught us how to do real-time chatting. Blogs became popular. People started to buy things online. It started with air tickets, rail tickets, and now we buy everything from pins to elephants online.

There is so much more to write. As I write, the default AI of WordPress is suggesting me improvements. Grammarly is marking red, I am using alt+tab to check my email. I have my mobile phone beside me where notifications of various apps are popping up non-stop. At times, I really wish to take a break from all these technologies. I want to go back to the 80’s in my hometown in the Himalayas. I would enjoy a cup of coffee without any distractions, admiring the Kanchenjunga. I want those naive and innocent days back once in a while. Not always, as to be brutally honest, I also enjoy the convenience that modern life gives us.

Tell me what would you want?

I have been neglecting my blog. Well, it would be wrong to say that I am ignoring it. Actually, I keep jotting down lots of thoughts and scribbling nonsense, but I never feel like posting them.

2025 has been a year that has been both kind and brutal at the same time. It’s truly a year that I’m finding difficult to wrap my head around. Many years from now, I may look back at this year as the one that pulled me out of my comfort zone. It pushed my boundaries and made me do things I had never imagined doing.

This year, I also managed to cut ties with three toxic acquaintances. I’ve known two of them since around 1999–2000, and the third one I befriended in 2013. They were once an integral part of my life — I laughed and cried with them, and we made great memories together. However, today, having blocked them out of my life, I feel no regret, grief, or pain. I feel relief — the same relief one feels after extracting a rotten tooth.

In the years ahead, I may become even more ruthless and remove more people from my life. I’ve realized that life itself isn’t unpleasant or difficult; it’s often the people who make it worse.

Nowadays, whenever I feel stressed, I imagine myself living alone in a small jungle cabin, completely off the grid — waking up early, doing yoga and meditation, sipping tea, tending to an organic garden, cooking simple meals, going for long walks in nature, sleeping a lot, and spending my free time reading. No internet, no mobile phones, no Instagram reels, no people to irritate me.

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I don’t know how long a person can live like that. I wonder — would I get bored easily and long to return to my busy life in Mumbai, or would I finally find my Zen and live that way forever? I was deeply influenced by the movie Into the Wild, though the ending was tragic.

Some days, I feel exhausted by daily chores; on other days, I feel incredibly energetic. Am I getting old? Is this due to perimenopause? I feel a heaviness — an emotional heaviness. Some days, nothing seems to matter, while on other days, every small thing perturbs me.

This year, I took on so many projects that I now feel overwhelmed and exhausted. A few things have been rewarding, but mostly, it’s been draining. Most days, I feel as if I’ve wasted my life, my time, and my education — that I’ve achieved nothing. Yet, deep down, I know that isn’t true. I’ve done many meaningful things in life, had amazing experiences, and, most importantly, faced every challenge head-on.

I’ve been a fighter all my life, and perhaps as I grow older, I’m finally feeling the weight of all the battles I’ve fought. The endless struggles have left me weary — and that jungle cabin somewhere in the Himalayas feels like my only hope for rejuvenation.

I completed 48 years on this earth. This year, I thought I would share all the lessons that life (and social media) taught me in the last 4+ decades. What better way to celebrate my birthday than spreading gyan? So here goes the learning:

Getting old is a blessing. Most people are afraid of getting old, but I love it. The wisdom and clarity that come with age are precious. I feel so sorted as I age. Zero pretense and zero tolerance for BS.Snake and Ladder: Life is like a game of snakes and ladders. Today, you may be at the top of the world, and tomorrow, you may be in a ditch. Therefore, do not take anything for granted, appreciate all the good things in life, always count your blessings, and stay grounded.Gratitude: I maintain a gratitude journal. Gratitude is the key to ultimate peace and happiness. This practice changed my life and made me a happier person. In many of my previous posts, I have emphasized gratitude.Mudita: I’ve always been able to connect deeply with others’ pain, maybe because I’m an empath. But I used to struggle with fully sharing in someone else’s joy; envy and insecurity would sometimes creep in. Lately, I’ve been consciously practicing Mudita . It is finding joy in others’ happiness. Practicing this has helped me let go off negativity. I have experienced more joyful days myself.Help Selflessly: Some people help expecting favors, credit, or lifelong loyalty in return. My philosophy is simple: help selflessly, with no expectations. Don’t worry, good karma gets credited.Ubuntu: The idea of uplifting others has given my life purpose. Ten years ago, I started a patient support group, and today, it’s one of my greatest sources of strength. Helping others without expecting anything in return brings me a truly unmatched joy.Sharanam: A Buddhist concept meaning surrender or taking refuge. In life, we often believe we’re in control, but in reality, most things lie beyond our grasp. Therefore, rather than resisting, we should surrender and allow life to unfold as it will.Sabr: Islamic, Sikh, and Sai Baba devotees use the word Sabr/Sabar/Saburi . It means patience in the process of God. I used to want immediate results, but now I trust the process and wait.Mindfulness: Thích Nhất Hạnh, spoke about “mindfulness” as the central practice for living in the present moment. Most of us are either regretting the past or planning the future. Very few live in the moment. These days, I consciously try to live in the present. My meditation practice is helping me in doing that.Find Happiness: Happiness doesn’t come on a platter. You have to work hard in some cases to find happiness. Life will dishearten you more, so it is your job to find happiness even in the sad moments. When you feel sad, just try to do something that makes you happy, it could be watching Netflix, reading a book, going for a walk, calling a friend etcDo more of the things that make you happy: Find and do things that make you happy. For me, it is reading, yoga, meditation, swimming, Netflix, a coffee date with friends, and spending time with my son.Yoga: I started learning yoga during lockdown when I was 42 years old. Fell in love with it. I am not really a poster girl of yoga like Malaika Arora but I enjoy yoga as much as she does (only never manage a figure like her.)Meditation: Once I started yoga, meditation was an organic addition. I also did a retreat in Dharamshala. This has given me calmness and clarity in life. I look forward to meditating.No age to learn new things: I started learning yoga, meditation, swimming, crochet, and AI after turning 40. These new things give me immense joy and happiness. I wish to continue doing them.Swimming: As a child, I never got the opportunity to learn how to swim. As an adult, I never learned to swim as I was hesitant about wearing a swimming costume. But then I gave up my inhibition and took up swimming, and now I love it.Travel: I love to travel and I believe traveling taught me a lot about life. When you are young, it is easier to explore. So start traveling early. I spend a lot of my time and money into travelling but I should call it an investment rather than expense.Practice Minimalism: I am a firm believer in keeping only those things and people in my life that “spark joy”. A clutter-free space and mind bring mental peace. I extend the philosophy of minimalism to every aspect of my life.Buy Experiences: Instead of binge shopping, I spend on travel, movies, good food, activities, and theaters. I don’t waste money on designer stuff. I buy new things only after discarding the older items. Hoard Books: Even though, I believe in minimalism, when it comes to books, I am still a maximalist. And I am unapologetic about the same.Routine: Having a routine helps me stay productive. I write a to-do list every day and that keeps me productive or else, my day feels chaotic and unproductive. I get done a lot with a to-do list.Have Friends: Having friends has been a blessing for me. Staying connected to my old friends keeps me grounded, as they know me like nobody else. They are part of my identity. There was a time when I avoided making new friends. However, now I meet new people. Not everyone is like-minded; nevertheless, I try to observe them. In many cases, I am learning new things from these people.Friendship Boundaries: Not everyone is meant to be a close friend. I think of friendship as something like the solar system. There are just a few in the inner circle. As the circles widen, the numbers grow, but most are mere acquaintances. True friends have your back, regardless of age, status, or background. I steer clear of those who drain my energy, show up only when they need something, gossip, criticize, or bring negativity. Keep your circle clean.Connect with loved ones: Always keep connections with the people who love you and with people whom you love. Call and keep in touch with good people.Parents or elders are not Gods: In India, we have a tradition to worship our elders, especially parents as deities. Criticizing your parents or elders is considered taboo and a sin. However, parents and elders can be toxic. They can be selfish and may even ruin your life. So don’t obey or worship them blindly.Trust your gut instincts: If something or someone feels not right, avoid. Often, your body is more intuitive than your mind. So if someone’s presence makes you physically uncomfortable, trust your body and run.Stay calm in stressful situations or in front of people who induce stressNever scream, shout, or abuse during any argument. The calmer you can stay during an argument, the better. Ask questions during any argument, and that makes the other person nervous. This is difficult but extremely effective. Be a Tommy Shelby. Listen more and speak less. Wise people listen more and fools speak more.Observe: Wisdom comes when you observe. The more you observe, the more you will see patterns, and this will improve your intuition. I can write an entire blog on the power of listening and observing.Ask questions: As a shy child, I always hesitated to ask questions. In my school, college, workplace, any seminar, everywhere I was afraid to ask questions. I was always impressed of people who asked questions. But now, I never hesitate and always ask question, even if it seems dumb.Don’t chase: Don’t waste your life chasing romance or money. Rather, chase a purpose and a mission.List of dreams: Always have a list of dreams that you wish to achieve, and work on them. Having a written list helps you stay focused. Marry the right person: Marriage is an important milestone. A good marriage will build you, while a bad marriage will ruin you. Therefore, think it through before getting married.Money can buy happiness: Many people believe that money can’t buy happiness. Yes, it cannot directly buy you happiness but it can buy you the tools to happiness. It can buy you comfort. It can buy you books, movie tickets, air tickets for travel, OTT subscriptions, Uber fare, etc etc. So try to earn well.Separate account: Have a separate bank account after marriage. I have seen many women, including those who earn in six/seven figures, not having their own money because they kept every penny in joint account with husband. I have a friend who literally had zero money after divorce because she ran a business with her husband and she trusted him blindly and everything was in his name.Financial Independence: The moment you financially depend on someone, they get the power to control you. Unless you have extremely indulgent parents or a spouse, try to start earning as soon as you can. I started earning the moment I turned 18 years old and never took any kind of pocket money from my Dad.Save: Start saving also early and don’t spend all your money. It is always wise to save before spending. A penny saved is a penny earned. Invest: Earlier, I used to only save money but never invest. However, now I am learning how to invest and grow my money. Most women are good at saving money but bad at investing. I think most schools should teach investment as a compulsory subject.Know your worth: Don’t seek validation from others. People are often stingy with appreciation, especially if you are surrounded by narcissists. So know your own worth.Don’t change yourself for anyone, be it the society, relatives, spouse, partner, friend anyone. I made the mistake of changing myself to please others, but in doing so I made myself so unhappy. So now my philosophy is take it or leave it, I am what I am.You cannot make everyone happy, so focus on making yourself happy.Avoid Takers: For years, I had tolerated people who were only takers and never gave anything. They called me only when they needed something. Not necessarily anything material, but sometimes emotional.Everyone is struggling: Social media often makes us feel that everyone is happy. However, the truth is that everyone is struggling in their own way. Someone is struggling financially, someone health-wise, while someone emotionally.Inner Beauty: I have struggled with my looks all my life. I grew up believing that happiness is only for pretty girls. I internalized this so much that I developed extremely low self-esteem that impacted my career and relationships. However, now I know external beauty is useless. Confidence in yourself brings out the inner beauty. So don’t waste time trying to fix your looks, just be your authentic self and see how everything unfolds.Don’t try to change someone: We often try to change another person. We believe that we can change another person with our love. However, you cannot change anyone. So accept a person exactly the way they are. Don’t try to fix others, judge others, or change them. Accept Solitude: You were born alone and you will die alone. So, don’t cling to anybody and accept being alone. You are lucky if you find people when you need them. Self-reliant: Don’t expect anyone to come and rescue you. Be self-reliant and rescue yourself. Try to not depend on others as much as possible. I try to do as much as possible on my own. Spread love: If you are seeking love, start spreading love.

I have had challenges in life, but I overcame those and survived 48 years. I tried to learn a lesson from each of my challenges. Whatever little I have learned in life, I have shared with you all. Let me know what you feel are your learning?

Dear Ma,

I wish we had gotten the time to have this conversation face-to-face, but you were in a hurry to leave us ASAP. Now, when I think in retrospect, it feels like you were waiting to go. Perhaps you were too tired, exhausted, and emotionally drained to carry the load of life any longer. I understand, Ma—your life was not easy.

You were born right before the Partition and had to watch your family leave their ancestral home in Mymensingh and settle in a tiny house with walls whose plaster had fallen off, exposing the bricks underneath. In that tiny home, so many of you lived. Your mother couldn’t take the trauma of Partition, the pain of leaving her home, and the pressure of giving birth to nine children—so she died of anemia. Can you imagine? Back in those days, women died from anemia—a disease so easily treatable now.

Losing your mom at such an early age was not easy. You hardly had any memory of her. You didn’t remember her face. I never heard you speak of her or recall any memories. She had simply faded from your life. Not having a mom meant you grew up without a proper role model of what a mother should be. This probably impacted your parenting later in life. You grew up just biologically—as a thumb rule of nature—without any real nurturing. You kept craving love, especially a mother’s love, but never received it.

The truth is, no matter how hard you try, nobody can replace your Ma. In fact, I also tried searching for a mother’s love after you were gone. However, I was a bit lucky. After a while, I wasn’t looking for a mother to replace you and pamper me—I was looking for another human being with whom I could truly connect. That’s where I struck gold.

I met so many wonderful women in my life: my friends’ moms, elderly colleagues, neighbor aunties, your sisters, and even random women—from all of them, I found glimpses of motherly love. None of them could replace you as my mother, but they showed me so many different aspects of motherhood. When I became a mother myself, I had a huge canvas and a colorful palette to paint my own image of what a mother could be.

A mother is not a fixed role. There is no perfect mother. In each imperfection, a new aspect of motherhood unfolds—and that is the beauty of this journey. While some moms love to scold their kids at the drop of a hat, another mom might want to party with her child. And we are nobody to judge either of them.

Motherhood became overwhelming for you because you were like an architect who had to build a house without a blueprint. You didn’t know what to do or how to do it. The mistake you made was that, instead of approaching motherhood authentically and instinctively, you started looking for a roadmap in all the wrong places. You were a nervous mother who wanted to raise her child exactly the way “society” would approve. This constant need for validation must have been exhausting.

However, you were not alone. Your entire generation was like this. At least you had the excuse of not having a mother to look up to. But even those who did were no different. It takes immense courage to support your child against society. It’s a difficult journey—but one worth taking. If you constantly waste your energy seeking approval from “chaar log,” you end up digging your own grave.

Trying to be “nice” and “good” is exhausting. And nobody will ever completely approve of what you do. No matter what, people will always judge you—even if you are Mother Teresa or Florence Nightingale. I wish you hadn’t been so good to everyone all the time. I wish you had rebelled once in a while. It’s fun being a rebel. It’s liberating.

Real happiness comes when you do the things that make you happy. Charity, philanthropy, living for others—yes, these are good. That’s what every religion teaches. But religion also says, “Charity begins at home.” It’s important to think about your own happiness too.

You lived a selfless life, always trying to please others. You got hurt when your efforts weren’t appreciated or acknowledged. But let me tell you: had you just not given a F**K, it would have brought you so much more peace. It is impossible to please everyone. You craved to be a “good girl” all your life—but that is what killed you.

It is liberating to be a “bad girl.” Who cares what your fifth cousin thinks? Who cares what your neighbor feels about you? Just ignore them and focus on your own life.

If there is an afterlife and I get to meet you, the only thing I would like to tell you is:

“Ma, I wish you had lived for yourself. I wish you had enjoyed your life. I wish you had tried to fulfill your dreams instead of worrying about log kya kahenge?”

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and fifty sixth edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt HURRY.

After a hazy May, I’m trying to settle back into my routine this June. A lot has already happened in the first eleven days. However, my brain feels a bit scattered these days, and when I tried to recall what’s happened so far, I literally had to scroll through my phone’s gallery to jog my memory.

The most important event is that my son’s school has started again, giving me some free time to focus on my own things. Since we hadn’t taken a vacation during the summer break due to Operation Sindoor and its fallout, we planned a short trip to Pune to make up for it. The short break was quite refreshing. We caught up with some old friends and my husband’s cousins. It was especially heartwarming to meet my son’s childhood friend, with whom he had gone to school from playschool to standard eight. The kid had moved to Pune but stayed in touch. The boys went bowling, had burgers and chatted as if they had never parted. At one point, their sudden burst of laughter was loud enough to startle an elderly couple sitting nearby! watching the two childhood buddies meet after two years made me more nostalgic than the boys!

Pune is famous for its food, and for us too, this short trip turned into a gastronomic revelry. It was also relaxing, not having to wake up and think, “What to cook today?” is a luxury. A day without such decisions is always a good day. The rain-lashed long drive, with intermittent stops for coffee or smoked corn, added some zing to the trip. Honestly, this was our first proper family trip in almost three years. These days, it’s usually just Mommy and son. The dad perhaps feels a bit excluded. Though, after the trip, my son whispered that it’s more fun with Mommy—Daddy is way stricter, sets more rules, and doesn’t let him get his way so easily. Kids these days, I swear!!

Another highlight was meeting my school friend after 30 long years in Bandra. Though we both live in Mumbai, we somehow never found the time to meet in the past twenty-odd years. Finally, an impromptu meetup brought back warm memories of our childhood school days. But I also realized how much I’ve started forgetting—I couldn’t recall many names and incidents from the past.

This June, I also attended a meeting of my Buddhist chanting group. It felt good to connect and interact with everyone again. I also met my crochet group. This hobby is really lifting my spirits, though it’s also giving me a backache and aching fingers! Whenever I sit with my crochet kit, my son jokes that I’ve officially entered the “old wives” bracket.

I’ve also been catching up on Netflix this month. Whenever my mother-in-law is around, it becomes hard to watch anything, as she prefers religious Bengali shows. I usually avoid the TV in the hall and watch whatever I can on my phone—but I don’t enjoy watching on mobile for long, so I often skip it altogether. After she left, I felt a strange sense of digital freedom and could finally watch whatever I wanted on TV. I saw quite a few movies and series, including Stolen, Bodkin, The Four Seasons, and Madgaon Express (don’t watch—it’s quite bad).

I’m also reading two Bengali storybooks and one discourse by Krishnamurti.

That’s the June update so far. Tell me—how is June treating you?

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and fifty fifth edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Startle.

I’m often more affected by my thoughts than by what’s actually happening in the present. I’ve tried many meditation methods to quiet this mental chatter. But this monkey brain keeps jumping from one thought to another. It’s more like multi-thinking than multitasking. My mind constantly thinks about every possible negative thing that could happen to me or my loved ones. I’m either dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, rarely am I focused on the present. I’m well aware of the concept of mindfulness and living in the moment. I even talk to others about it, but I find it hard to practice myself.

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Recently, I’ve discovered a benefit to this overthinking. There’s a lot of unprocessed trauma and sadness that I’ve never truly addressed. Now, reflecting on the past, when I revisit those memories, I don’t approach them with self-pity. Instead, I try to understand how those experiences have shaped me, for better or worse. This approach is proving to be helpful. I’ve started letting go of emotional baggage in this way. I’m learning to forgive. Forgetting is difficult, but processing those memories with objectivity helps.

I used to hold grudges against people who wronged me. But now, I try to understand why they behaved the way they did. Often, I find that they were insecure and unaware. Many lacked good role models or proper education. Their actions stemmed from jealousy, competitiveness, or a desire to feel superior. Humans are complex. Often, they hurt others unintentionally, caught up in their own struggles, unaware of the impact of their actions.

As a child, I was constantly judged, which deeply impacted my self-esteem. I’ve made numerous life decisions based on the fear of being judged. I regret those choices. I wish I had focused on what would have made me happy, instead of worrying about others’ opinions. Even my idea of happiness was once twisted. That fear of judgment was like fuel for my anxiety, constantly feeding it and keeping it alive far longer than it should have lasted.

Trust me, I’m finally finding peace. There were so many things I was holding on to, but now I’m gradually letting them go. It’s a beautiful and peaceful feeling. One by one, I’m releasing these burdens, and a part of my heart is healing. What was once inner turmoil is slowly being replaced by silence and peace.

This process has also helped me deal with the present more objectively and less emotionally. Earlier, I reacted emotionally to everything. Now, I try to see things as they are. I remind myself that someone else’s bad behavior is a reflection of them, not me. I think I will arrive in my fifties filled with gratitude, peace, forgiveness, and love.

The future still worries me. I’ve lived in chaos for so long that my brain seems wired for it. Peace feels unfamiliar, so my mind keeps creating imaginary catastrophes to worry about. Worrying feels like my brain’s default state; it struggles to exist in peace. Sometimes, these thoughts keep me awake at night. Imagining worst-case scenarios makes my chest tighten. Maybe, with time, I’ll learn to heal this, too.

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and fifty first edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Fuel

A couple of years back, I had attended another meditation session in Dharamkot with the theme Mudita. It was one of the profound sessions that I have ever attended in my life. Mudita and Ubuntu, both of these concepts are very close to my heart. In both of these concepts, you put others before you. Mudita is feeling genuinely happy for others and ubuntu is a concept where instead of competing with others, you cooperate and lift up others. I personally, feel the path to true happiness is when you develop compassion and empathy for others. Most religious texts also emphasise this. So Christians says “love thy neighbor as thyself”, Hinduism says “Atithi devo bhabo”, and Buddhism of course, emphasises on Mudita.

I believe self-love is extremely important. It is impossible to love others if you do not love yourself. It is almost like the instructions we get on flights that say, “first put your own oxygen mask and then help others”. I am a huge advocate of self-love.

But here comes the pain point. In today’s age of Instagram, influencers are often promoting self-love in a way that is toxic. Not everyone has the intelligence or awareness to understand how healing truly works. They may just use the shortcut way to healing by using Instagram reels and that could actually be counter-productive. Healing takes years, and it is a slow process. A huge amount of inner work is required. Those of us who are on a healing journey know how difficult it is. But new-age healing promotes quick fixes and that can cause more harm than good.

Firstly, everyone has different types and perhaps grades of trauma. I am not sure if this will be correct to grade trauma but common sense tells me that your mother calling you fat is a different trauma than your mom selling you to a brothel. And let me tell you, not everyone has the privilege to go for healing. I am not diminishing anyone’s pain but I am kind of bored of the misuse of the words like trauma, healing, therapy etc. It has become fashionable to call yourself a victim even though you belong to one of the most privileged group of people.

My mother’s family came to India during partition as refugee. The horror they went through is unimaginable, while I never heard any of my uncles or aunts give up on life for that. My mamas and masis are one of the coolest and funniest people I have ever known. While I see some friends of my child who have grown up in posh houses, goes to the finest schools, moves around in chauffeur-driven swanky cars and behaving as if their trauma is unimaginable. Well, even when the wifi signal goes off, it is a trigger for them. And I am not kidding. They are regularly taking pills and going for therapy. I wonder if it’s trauma or boredom.

I am a patient advocate and I know how important therapy is for those who genuinely need them. But just going to therapy because your parents can afford 5k/per hour every couple of days is something I find sad. There are orphans abused and battered. In India there are hungry kids who doesn’t get two meals a day and medicine when they need it. They have real trauma but therapy isn’t affordable for them and I see rich wives and teens going to therapy as often as they go for movies.

I believe in cutting off toxic people from life. I have done that. However, these days, people in the name of self-love is cutting off anybody who disagrees with them. Like if you want a 10k dollar bag and your parents disagree to buy. The parent is toxic and they wish to cut them off. Somewhere, we also need to compromise. I recently met a woman, who is not willing to meet her dying mother because many years ago the mother did not agree to her marriage. I agree, that some pain are difficult. However, sometimes self-love also means forgiving others. No amount of healing crystals, and tarot reading, and expensive sessions with healers are going to work if you do not nurture empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.

Many will probably not agree with what I wrote. Everyone has their own take on life and belief system. I shouldn’t judge. I wrote what I feel. I believe, healing is a holistic process that is based on unconditional love for yourself and others. I practice it and encourage others to practice too.

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and forty-ninth edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Signal.

Blogging often feels challenging, and the biggest hurdle is maintaining a routine and posting regularly. Some weeks are tougher than others. Sometimes, an entire week passes by, and I cannot recall anything I did during that time. I often go back and check my phone’s gallery to jog my memory. I don’t know if this is due to my perimenopausal brain fog or something more serious.

I wish to live life to the brim, filling my days with rich experiences, growth, and personal connections. However, this often becomes my Achilles’ heel, and I end up feeling exhausted. Last week was one of those weeks where I kept myself super busy. I went to the movies, had a coffee date with a friend, met family, attended a Zadenkai, and went to my crochet club. Now, as I try to recall it all, I’m left feeling drained. I want to slow down, but life is becoming hectic with long-term guests at home, too many social obligations, and watching pointless reels. There is nothing more that I wish to write today.

I hope things are all fine on your end. Unlike me, I hope your weeks are not blurred? Let me know about your life. Till then, take care.

Joining Vinitha‘s two hundred and forty-eighth edition of Fiction Monday with the word prompt Brim.

Dear Trina,

You are young, full of dreams and ambitions. You are such an underappreciated girl. You have already battled so many storms in this young life, but nobody gives you enough credit. That is probably why you crave appreciation and validation so much. This often leads you to seek validation from those who will never truly value you. Don’t worry—one day, you will stop craving validation and realize your own worth. You will learn to appreciate yourself without needing anyone’s approval. And dear, that is when you will create your soul family—a tribe who will value your worth, appreciate you, and support you. You’ve already found some of them, and even after twenty years, your friendships will remain strong and beautiful.

You are making one of the biggest mistakes of your life at the moment. I wish I could have saved you. But sometimes, we make mistakes to learn lessons. My dear, this mistake will teach you so much that you will transform entirely for the better. The fire you’ll go through will purify your soul and make you a far better person than you are now. You will become grounded, calmer, a seeker of peace, authentic, and, most importantly, courageous. Right now, you are outwardly brave and spirited, but internally, you’re frightened like a little puppy on a rainy day, shivering and whimpering. One day, you will overcome this fear, which stemmed from low self-esteem. You will become courageous and be your own boss.

Let me tell you one amazing thing, you love to travel, and one day, you’ll take solo trips to Europe where you’ll make amazing new friends. You’ll experience some beautiful and also some naughty things in Europe. Like getting so stoned in Amsterdam that you almost miss your flight. Unlike now, you won’t care to pretend to be the so-called submissive, docile, and domesticated “good girl.” You’ll come into your true element, you’ll get three tattoos, start wearing black nail polish, fluorescent lipstick, Korean finger rings and septum nose rings that would’ve put your mom into a coma—had she been alive. Your therapist will say that this is a trauma response. You were never a rebellious teenager, always obedient, responsible, and subservient. In your middle age, you will awaken that young girl who never had the opportunity to be herself. You won’t believe that it is a trauma response and will accept it with a full heart. Believe me, you will be happier way more than you felt as a little girl.

You’ll also become spiritual—way more than you can believe now. You’ll become spiritually inclined and turn into a practicing Buddhist. Also, wait—you’ll fall in love with yoga and swimming. I know, right now you can’t imagine yourself like this. You’re probably a reincarnated soul from the hippie era of the 1960s. Thankfully, you won’t get addicted to any substances. Oh, one bad bit of news: you will genetically inherit OCD from your beloved grandmother and start obsessing about organizing, decluttering, and cleaning. Which is probably again some kind of trauma response, but it will help you build some good habits.

Right now, you’re a people pleaser—always saying and doing things to keep everyone around you happy. You don’t want anyone to judge you, and you want to be seen as a “good girl.” This is so funny, because one day, you’ll be at the opposite end of the spectrum, doing things that will make others judge you—and you won’t care one bit. Now, you’re scared to say anything that might upset others, but one day, you’ll speak like an arrow hitting the bull’s eye. Most importantly, you’ll learn to say NO—firmly. You’ll realize that in trying to keep others happy, the only person you were making unhappy was yourself. You’ll learn to prioritize your own happiness and start doing the things that truly make you happy.

Right now, you’re constantly walking on eggshells, struggling to make everyone happy—and most importantly, not angry. You know that even a slip of the tongue can hurt fragile egos and spark full-fledged rage. But a day will come when your calmness will be so freezing that any amount of rage will dissolve in its coldness. Your silence will be so empowering that, even without speaking a word, you’ll melt mountains. You’ll learn that sometimes, the best response is no response. Those who try to trigger you and bring out the worst in you will get bored once you stop reacting. Their drama will become a flop show with no audience. That will be your victory.

No matter how scared you are today, trust me—everything will be fine. You will be proud of yourself for your strength and courage. You will become a force to reckon with.

Take care, My Love!!

Older You

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