Rachael Eyre's Blog - Posts Tagged "society"
The Woman's Right to Opt Out
At the risk of sounding grandiose, this is possibly the most important blog I'm going to write. I'll go further: this might well be the most important piece I'll write, period. I regret that only a tiny corner of the Internet is destined to see it.
It's about feminism.
Don't yawn, don't scoff. When I typed 'feminism' into Twitter, I was shocked by the animosity it provokes - charming hashtags such as FeminismisAwful, SayNotoFeminism, FeminismHasGoneTooFar.
What exactly are they objecting to again?
Feminism isn't about hating men or believing women to be inherently superior; misandry is bigotry too. It's about having the right to equal pay, the fair division of labour and childcare, decent representation in the public arena. It's about women being able to participate on an equal footing with men, about being able to walk freely without being verbally abused, attacked or killed. Anybody who's threatened or upset by this should look deep within themselves and ask why.
When I discovered feminism aged twelve, I nearly cried with happiness. I'd spent so much of my early life knocking against societal pressures - why did I have to wear a skirt, why did most of the women I knew stay at home, why were some men so vile towards women - only to receive the same sad, dreary answer, "Because that's how life is." Feminism taught me that you didn't have to swallow this injustice but fight it.
Yes, we're gaining victories all the time. Emotional abuse is a criminal offence; posting 'revenge porn' of an ex partner is illegal; men can now take paternity leave. But there are mindsets that seem to be entrenched no matter what, and it's these that I'd like to call out. Women have them foisted upon them from a very early age, despite having no foundation in fact.
1) Stop suffocating little girls in pink
I mean it. I grew up in the Nineties - a far less enlightened era - yet don't remember such an insistence on colour coding our children. Go into your average toy shop and it's like gender apartheid.
"But my little girl loves pink!" adults protest.
Does she? Does she really? They're the ones who have been dressing her and buying her toys before she was able to form her own opinions. I've witnessed adults actively rewarding "feminine" behaviours and denigrating "masculine" ones - "You don't want that, it's for boys!" It's basic conditioning; it's teaching her to think: "pink= good, blue = bad." The tomboy, the blue print for so many smart, independent women, seems to have died the death.
2) Stop continuing the leitmotif into adulthood
If a little girl's wants and needs are determined by her parents, the media takes over once they're adults. Look at the 'For Her' gift suggestions in catalogues or the women's magazines sections in shops. It's back to nursery colour schemes: festoons of pink, flowers, cute fluffiness, more sodding glitter. I once saw a 'Learning to Drive' CD ROM decked out in pink and cutesy drawings, as though women were incapable of understanding the regular kind. We don't have diamanté in our brains!
If somebody wants all her accessories to be hot pink or encrusted with crystals, that's fine. But please stop assuming that you speak for all women. And while we're at it, can we please have birthday cards that don't have a shoe, handbag or cheap bubbly fetish?
3) Let us look however we want
One of the most odious publications in existence is the celebrity gossip mag. Whenever a public figure steps out looking like a normal woman - e.g. she hasn't dried her hair, she isn't wearing makeup, she's thrown on jeans and a top - it appears on the front page, expressing faux concern about her mental and physical well being. For going down the shops? Come on!
True, there's a lucky minority of women who look stunning in makeup and dresses of all cuts and hues. Some of these women are in professions that showcase this gift. But for those of us who look like Pennywise when we apply makeup, or can't walk in heels, or only feel comfortable in trousers - leave us the hell alone. We're dressing for ourselves, not you.
4) Stop interfering in our personal lives
If you're a single woman heading into your thirties, you become an object of morbid fascination for family and friends. It doesn't matter if you're fine the way you are or if you haven't the time for romance - before long they'll be engaging in increasingly desperate attempts to fix you up.
This obsession with seeing everyone paired off is a hang up from a bygone age. If a woman has children already or can support herself, she doesn't need a partner to prove her credentials.
That seems to be the message behind these ridiculously extravagant weddings, more for the parents than the couple themselves - "Look! Our kids are normal! We didn't raise mutants!" There's nothing quite as idyllic as beginning a new life with ten thousand pounds of debt. And considering how much you can accomplish if you put your mind to it, is your wedding truly the biggest day of your life?
5) Stop harping on about kids
This has to be the most toxic conviction of all: that women are walking reproductive systems, counting down to zero. It's this preoccupation that forces women to have children they're not ready for, causes them to marry louses for 'security' and gives infertile couples no end of grief.
Even more controversial is when a woman has no intention of having children whatsoever. It doesn't matter if she has valid reasons; everyone will try to shoot them down. The word "selfish" is bandied about. But what's more selfish: bringing a child you never wanted into the world and regretting them every day of their lives, or realising it holds no appeal and abstaining? If a woman can frankly assess her life and not see any room for a child in it, she has every right to say no.
Yes, there are many excellent parents who enjoyed every moment with their kids and considered it the most rewarding thing they ever did. But they presumably always included children in their life plans and made sure they had a certain amount of experience behind them first. An idle, feckless young girl isn't going to become a responsible one because a baby's on the way. Somebody who wants to dedicate her life to her career or vocation shouldn't have to take time out because convention says so.
6) Respect our feminism
Feminism seems to have become a convenient bogeyman for certain people - few of whom I'd go for a drink with. Next time somebody says, "I'm not a feminist, but ...", challenge them. Ask them what it is about living in a liberal democracy that they find so alarming. If they're a woman, patiently remind them that if it hadn't been for feminism, no one would be listening to their views.
If something offends you, speak up. You wouldn't expect to see a man's schlong while you're tucking into your egg and chips, so why should you tolerate girlie mags? Why do they keep funding these tiresome and pathetic studies that "prove" men and women's brains work differently? Why is the word "feminist" nearly always accompanied by "strident" or "militant" in the popular media? Would they describe activists for any other cause in this way?
Feminism isn't passé or a dirty word. Let women have the right to opt out of these harmful narratives and achieve lives of greatness.
It's about feminism.
Don't yawn, don't scoff. When I typed 'feminism' into Twitter, I was shocked by the animosity it provokes - charming hashtags such as FeminismisAwful, SayNotoFeminism, FeminismHasGoneTooFar.
What exactly are they objecting to again?
Feminism isn't about hating men or believing women to be inherently superior; misandry is bigotry too. It's about having the right to equal pay, the fair division of labour and childcare, decent representation in the public arena. It's about women being able to participate on an equal footing with men, about being able to walk freely without being verbally abused, attacked or killed. Anybody who's threatened or upset by this should look deep within themselves and ask why.
When I discovered feminism aged twelve, I nearly cried with happiness. I'd spent so much of my early life knocking against societal pressures - why did I have to wear a skirt, why did most of the women I knew stay at home, why were some men so vile towards women - only to receive the same sad, dreary answer, "Because that's how life is." Feminism taught me that you didn't have to swallow this injustice but fight it.
Yes, we're gaining victories all the time. Emotional abuse is a criminal offence; posting 'revenge porn' of an ex partner is illegal; men can now take paternity leave. But there are mindsets that seem to be entrenched no matter what, and it's these that I'd like to call out. Women have them foisted upon them from a very early age, despite having no foundation in fact.
1) Stop suffocating little girls in pink
I mean it. I grew up in the Nineties - a far less enlightened era - yet don't remember such an insistence on colour coding our children. Go into your average toy shop and it's like gender apartheid.
"But my little girl loves pink!" adults protest.
Does she? Does she really? They're the ones who have been dressing her and buying her toys before she was able to form her own opinions. I've witnessed adults actively rewarding "feminine" behaviours and denigrating "masculine" ones - "You don't want that, it's for boys!" It's basic conditioning; it's teaching her to think: "pink= good, blue = bad." The tomboy, the blue print for so many smart, independent women, seems to have died the death.
2) Stop continuing the leitmotif into adulthood
If a little girl's wants and needs are determined by her parents, the media takes over once they're adults. Look at the 'For Her' gift suggestions in catalogues or the women's magazines sections in shops. It's back to nursery colour schemes: festoons of pink, flowers, cute fluffiness, more sodding glitter. I once saw a 'Learning to Drive' CD ROM decked out in pink and cutesy drawings, as though women were incapable of understanding the regular kind. We don't have diamanté in our brains!
If somebody wants all her accessories to be hot pink or encrusted with crystals, that's fine. But please stop assuming that you speak for all women. And while we're at it, can we please have birthday cards that don't have a shoe, handbag or cheap bubbly fetish?
3) Let us look however we want
One of the most odious publications in existence is the celebrity gossip mag. Whenever a public figure steps out looking like a normal woman - e.g. she hasn't dried her hair, she isn't wearing makeup, she's thrown on jeans and a top - it appears on the front page, expressing faux concern about her mental and physical well being. For going down the shops? Come on!
True, there's a lucky minority of women who look stunning in makeup and dresses of all cuts and hues. Some of these women are in professions that showcase this gift. But for those of us who look like Pennywise when we apply makeup, or can't walk in heels, or only feel comfortable in trousers - leave us the hell alone. We're dressing for ourselves, not you.
4) Stop interfering in our personal lives
If you're a single woman heading into your thirties, you become an object of morbid fascination for family and friends. It doesn't matter if you're fine the way you are or if you haven't the time for romance - before long they'll be engaging in increasingly desperate attempts to fix you up.
This obsession with seeing everyone paired off is a hang up from a bygone age. If a woman has children already or can support herself, she doesn't need a partner to prove her credentials.
That seems to be the message behind these ridiculously extravagant weddings, more for the parents than the couple themselves - "Look! Our kids are normal! We didn't raise mutants!" There's nothing quite as idyllic as beginning a new life with ten thousand pounds of debt. And considering how much you can accomplish if you put your mind to it, is your wedding truly the biggest day of your life?
5) Stop harping on about kids
This has to be the most toxic conviction of all: that women are walking reproductive systems, counting down to zero. It's this preoccupation that forces women to have children they're not ready for, causes them to marry louses for 'security' and gives infertile couples no end of grief.
Even more controversial is when a woman has no intention of having children whatsoever. It doesn't matter if she has valid reasons; everyone will try to shoot them down. The word "selfish" is bandied about. But what's more selfish: bringing a child you never wanted into the world and regretting them every day of their lives, or realising it holds no appeal and abstaining? If a woman can frankly assess her life and not see any room for a child in it, she has every right to say no.
Yes, there are many excellent parents who enjoyed every moment with their kids and considered it the most rewarding thing they ever did. But they presumably always included children in their life plans and made sure they had a certain amount of experience behind them first. An idle, feckless young girl isn't going to become a responsible one because a baby's on the way. Somebody who wants to dedicate her life to her career or vocation shouldn't have to take time out because convention says so.
6) Respect our feminism
Feminism seems to have become a convenient bogeyman for certain people - few of whom I'd go for a drink with. Next time somebody says, "I'm not a feminist, but ...", challenge them. Ask them what it is about living in a liberal democracy that they find so alarming. If they're a woman, patiently remind them that if it hadn't been for feminism, no one would be listening to their views.
If something offends you, speak up. You wouldn't expect to see a man's schlong while you're tucking into your egg and chips, so why should you tolerate girlie mags? Why do they keep funding these tiresome and pathetic studies that "prove" men and women's brains work differently? Why is the word "feminist" nearly always accompanied by "strident" or "militant" in the popular media? Would they describe activists for any other cause in this way?
Feminism isn't passé or a dirty word. Let women have the right to opt out of these harmful narratives and achieve lives of greatness.
