Megan Duke's Blog

For those that are interested, I still have 45 paperback copies of the first book in my paranormal romance trilogy available through Paypal! These are copies that were left over from festivals and book events that have been sitting on my shelf and waiting for new homes!

My dear friend Beth Crowley has partnered with me for an exclusive giveaway just for you guys! The first 8 people to purchase a book will receive a free lyric poster from Beth! Once the posters are gone, you can still purchase the book, but take advantage of the giveaway while you can guys!

Below is the button to purchase the first 8 books that include the free poster. When those are sold out, I will make another post with the new button for the remaining copies.

Without Me (+poster) U.S. $15.00 USD International $30.00 USD

There was a time
I thought I knew
that what I had was true.
But it never felt complete
before you.

What others did for me
was all that I could see:
just a little bit of comfort
shining through.

It was enough to get me by,
even when I didn't try.
But still it never did the trick
as my doubt grew.

Then one day I let go,
and it was easier to know
that the dream I had was finally coming true.

That's where you come in.
At the beginning and the end
of the parts of me I never even knew.

You were different right away,
and at first my heart was tamed,
but you won me just by being something new.

Something sexy.
Something smart.
Something sweet with tons of heart.
And the chance to fall in love the way we do.

The real stuff
like in songs.
It lifts you up and feels like home.
And every day I'm with you
it feels true.

So grant me this
if you don't mind:
promise me you'll take the time
to care for me
as long as I will care for you.

I love you.
For this I know is true.

It might not seem plausible for a 13-year-old to know what love is, but I can tell you even now with the feeling still resonating twelve years later that what I felt back then was real. The emotion shaped me as I grew into a young woman. It tainted the relationships I had with others to come, and it stuck with me despite being perfectly content within the happiness that came my way. For it was that one “what if”. The one that got away. The one you read about and watch as it burns slowly on screen but never happens. It never resolves. And that, above everything else, is what hurts the most. Even to this day. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call him THE BOY. He’s no longer a part of my life, but we’re friends on Facebook, and well... even that’s a little too close for comfort. Given time and space, we are both now two very different people. I can’t necessarily speak for him, but I know that a decade has changed me in the best and the worst ways of which I wouldn’t want to trade for anything. My experiences have taught me valuable life lessons, and I have no doubt that he too has lived. That is, if you call having a job, a relationship and kids living. I’ve taken part in two of the three, but I have no interest in the other. It’s a personal decision, and I’ve settled on it. But does that mean he’s happier than me? I have a best friend. Well, technically I have two, but the first came about in a very different way. He was my boyfriend for seven years, and then one day he wasn’t. The thing is, we still tell each other goodnight. He hasn’t gone anywhere, because the connection we share remains the same, regardless of relationship status or society’s way of forcing sex as a necessary evil. You see, I believe in emotions in their truest forms. I believe that you can love someone and it not be about titles. About sexual orientation. About whether or not you hold hands. I believe in friendship - companionship - and because of what I have now, I understand what I had back then. THE BOY was a crush. For a very long time, I had a different crush, and THE BOY’s insistence that the other was a douchebag is what drew me to him in the end. It was sort of like opening your eyes and finally realizing that the thing you cherish most is right in front of you, and it has been the whole time. On the surface, THE BOY gave me attention. But back then, I thought there was a price to pay in return. Don’t get me wrong, there very much was… but THE BOY refused to let me pay it. I tried. I offered. I made it known that I was willing, but never once did he accept it. Never once did he allow me to be that girl. Unfortunately, several years later, without his knowledge, I became that girl for many others, and I think it’s because back then I wasn’t aware of what he had done for me. I’d taken his distance as rejection. I’d taken his lack of a formal proposal to go steady as his way saying I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t his type. Because he got what he wanted from other girls. But never from me. Now, I look back on my journal entries - at the excruciating detail of every conversation and every movement of his body language - and I realize that he really did see me. He really did care. His attention was given in other ways that back then I didn’t appreciate for what they were. We talked on the phone about nothing. He was the first boy I ever did that with, and I remember being so nervous to hear his voice on the other line even though we spoke face to face almost every day. He made a point to sit beside me at school - not all the time, but just enough. We wrote notes in class, made up funny jokes and wrote them all down, and he hugged me. I vividly remember him hugging me. Sometimes for no reason. THE BOY just knew how to do the little things. And that was what kept me afloat. I wasn’t incredibly popular. I was included in a very specific crowd, but I wasn’t the girl that the other guys talked about. At least, not in that way. I think THE BOY protected me from that, and I know now it’s because he loved me. He was my friend. A real friend. One that I still miss so many years later. You see, that’s what feels unfinished. That is the “what if” I always come back to. Like the seven year relationship I had with my once boyfriend, in the blink of an eye, everything changed. We went to separate high schools. We didn’t talk anymore. We ran with different crowds. And the one time we ran into each other after graduating, I looked at him, and the boy I knew was gone. In a way, I think he protected me from that too. He knew who I was - saw the person I’d become - and he was smart enough to acknowledge that he had no part in my world. I dream about him all the time. So much that I forget he’s part of my past and not a piece of my present. The dreams are always simple. He’s just there. Sometimes taking part in the plot and other times he’s just in the background. But his presence is unwavering. I’m not an interpreter of dreams, so I’m not exactly sure what that means for me and my psyche, but it gives me incredible comfort when I wake up the next morning and remember those emotions. That connection and what it did for me as a girl trying to make it through middle school. I cherish every single memories, and like everything else, I wouldn’t trade them. I guess the point of all of this is to say thank you to THE BOY. I’m too afraid to share this where he’d actually see it, and I think it’s because I’m even more afraid he won’t know it’s about him. But I needed to say it regardless, so here it is:to the very first boy I ever loved, thank you for not being my boyfriend.

Megan.

I approached my doctors this week and brought up my concerns about depression, and to my surprise, they already had an answer for me. I was told that it's something they've considered for a while - an underlying condition that was never addressed and snowballed out of control because of the autoimmune issues. My body will literally not allow me to get well, and it's not in my head. Technically, yes it is, but it's not just my mind. I'm not crazy. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that prevents me from being able to function like a typical 25 year old. I'm already on anti-depressants to treat anxiety and what my previous doctors thought was fibromyalgia, so I secretly hoped that the pills would fix me without having to say anything. But that's not how it works. SSRIs are meant to balance out the serotonin and dopamine that you already have, but I apparently don't produce enough to begin with. So, I'm starting on natural supplements that will do it for me. Two weeks from now, I'll get back to you and let you know how I feel. So far, I've had trouble sleeping after being on the new supplements for two days, so that might be a side effect. However, today I had the motivation to get out of bed and be active. I walked around my yard for half an hour and the exercise helped the ache in my legs. We'll see if I can keep this up. xx

-Megan.

I will be the first to admit that I live a perfectly good life.

My parents have supported me and helped me throughout every mishap and every setback when it comes to getting to the bottom of my health issues and even supporting me financially whenever I can't work. My friends - the handful that I truly trust with all my heart - are no strangers to the past two years and just how difficult it's been. But even then, there are things that keep me quiet. There are ideas that run through my mind when no one is here and no is listening... that something is wrong. That something much bigger is eating me alive from the inside out. No one is to blame, because I choose to disclose certain problems I face and the fears that wrack my brain. But no one else is responsible for not being aware of the ones I choose not to share. It's not because I don't think anyone would understand. It's because I don't understand it myself.

I'm not unhappy. But I'm not okay.

My body has been in pain for two years. It started slowly, and I ignored it for as long as possible. I never sought help, because I didn't think anything to be truly wrong. But when I finally came clean to my parents, I started the endless loop of doctor visits. Appointment after appointment after appointment. I never got a straight answer. Fibromyalgia. Chronic Fatigue. Lupus. Hashimoto's. Anything and everything got thrown at me, and I never believed any of it. Finally, I took the holistic approach and eventually found a diagnosis I thought made sense. When I was 15, I contracted Lyme Disease from a tick bite. I was treated with antibiotics, but according to new research and theory, the medication merely suppressed the virus instead of killing it. If this was the case, my immune system had been under attack for going on ten years.

But here's the thing. I've been undergoing treatment for going on 5 months, and I was told that it would take a total of 9. The extreme pain has settled, and I don't have nearly as many bad days as I used to, but when I'm down... I'm down. And it's hard to get back up. It's not so much about concentrated pain anymore. It's my entire body. I just ache all the time for no reason. I've cut so many things out of my diet, thinking that certain foods might be triggers for inflammation, and I've stuck to my medications. My detox. But I still feel helpless.

What if it's in my head? What if everything I'm feeling is just my fucked up mind playing tricks on me? I've considered for a long time now that I suffer from depression, and I see the commercials all the time about how it "hurts" and it's very real and very different for everyone. But have I always had it, or have I developed it due to everything I've suffered from?

Being in pain is stressful.
Living up to the expectation I set for myself with writing was overwhelming.

But here are a few other things I've never shared...
The first, my closest friends are aware of, but the rest I've kept to myself.

I recently came to the conclusion that my boyfriend of 8 years is really just my best friend. The decision was mutual, and we both came to a very conscious conclusion that we were no longer romantic. We hadn't been in a very long time, and in a way I'm not losing anything by accepting our new status, but it's new, and it's different, despite how right it feels.

I don't like to get out of bed most days, because it's easier to be alone. I waste hours watching tv or scrolling though social media, merely because I don't have the energy to be social in person. However, I have one friend that can raise me up from that low no matter how deep I get, and I don't even know if she realizes it, but she's the most important person in my life at the moment. If I feel myself slipping, I'll text her to hang out, because I know as soon as I see her I'll feel better, and I can be myself. It's strange, but it's probably the truest friendship I've ever experienced in my entire life.

There are times when I've dragged sharp objects against my skin to distract myself from the physical aches in my muscles. I don't want to die. I don't cut myself. I just enjoy the distraction, and it puts my love of tattoos and piercings into a unique perspective. I redirect the pain into something I can control, and it eases everything.

I fear that one day I will be addicted to the pain medication I receive for flare ups.

I fear that one day there won't be anything that provides relief, because my body will have built up a tolerance to whatever I try.

I'm afraid that everything I feel - both mentally and physically - is all in my head.

I'm afraid that I'll never know what's actually wrong with me.

I have no right to feel sad. I've lost people I cared about, and I've struggled with my health, but I can't understand what would cause my mind and my body to unravel so destructively.

If you read this, know that my life is not in danger. I have no thoughts of suicide, and I doubt I ever will. But I am slowly going insane trying to understand why I feel so lost and so sad and so pained.


“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower



Megan.

Today is your birthday.
It will always be your birthday.
Whether you're here or there, it's still the same.
It's still your day.

I tend to forget a lot.
It's not that I don't care.
It's that it still feels like a bad dream.
Like something that happens in movies and television,
but not to us.
Not in this life.
It does though.
Every day.
And it hurts just the same.
Whenever I think about something you'd enjoy -
consider sharing something or asking your opinion -
that's when it comes back,
and it's worse than before.

I can only think about the many things you've missed.
All of the good and terrible things that have happened since you disappeared.
I wonder what you'd think of it all.
Plenty of it would have deserved your smile.
Plenty of it could have broken your heart.
But you weren't here to see it.
And that is the greatest disappointment of all.

I hate to think that you've been missing everything.
But maybe you haven't.
Maybe you've seen it, wherever you are.
Is it beautiful there?

I'm asking for a friend.






Happy Birthday, Laura-Lisa.

This is completely fandom oriented, so if you're not a fan of The Walking Dead... or you think fan-fiction is beyond you.... please don't look any further into this post. I'm sharing this merely because it has to do with something I wrote, and well... that's what this blog is about, right?

When I stepped away from publishing, I burrowed into a little hole known as fandom. Most of you know this because I posted about it here on my blog, as well as on all of my social platforms. It became a bit of a refuge for me, and for that I am forever grateful - not only to the relief writing about Beth and Daryl gave me, but to the dozens of new friends I've made in the process.

As such, I've written several stories surrounding the ship famously known as Bethyl. Stories about what could have been, and stories about what was. Their relationship latched onto me in so many ways that I'm pretty sure despite them not being characters of my own, I could write about the two them for the rest of my life. It's that tragic. So, because I wrote so many stories, I now have six - yes, SIX - of my fan-fictions nominated in a little something called the Moonshine Awards. This is an annual fanfic awards celebration thingy hosted by a girl known as sillymommy2010 on Tumblr. She runs a blog called Ultimate Bethyl Fic List , where it is what it states: the ultimate list of all Bethyl fan-fiction.

This year (2016), I was nominated in the following categories:

Best ZA
Best One Shot
Best Multi-Chapter 
Best Reunion Fic
Best Fix-It Fic
and Best Work in Progress.

The reason why I'm sharing this is to encourage you to vote. I know that most of you don't care about the The Walking Dead, much less read fan-fiction inspired by it, so here's my pitch.

I know you've been deprived of new books from me in the last year, and I've explained the reasons behind it as much as I can by this point. Now that you're going to be able to read Negative Spaces & Instead of This online, I hope that the void I create will be filled in some fashion. However, the time I spent away from publishing was not wasted in my opinion. I still wrote almost every day, and by doing so I honed my craft. These fan-fictions are some of the best work I've ever done, and I'm extremely proud of them, in spite of the content. So please, if you are a fan of my writing and want to support me, show some love and vote.

My username is "rednecksaints".
You can vote once a day and choose up to 3 stories per category, so anything you see by that username you can vote for.
Here is the link: https://ultimatebethylficlist.com/2016-moonshine-awards/
Just click on each category individually to vote.
Voting is open through Feb. 8th!

Hello and welcome to the new MEGAN DUKE BOOKS.
Now known simply as REDNECKSAINTS.Yes, I've changed the name of this page because I'm changing a lot of things. Facebook being a very small, very insignificant part of that plan. However, it is still important that I share those changes here because most of you that follow this page are following because you enjoy my work. You read my stories and you have been anxiously awaiting the next book in two series that I've been promising for quite some time.Well folks... I'm here to say that I am giving you a little taste of BOTH.Yep. Starting today, I will no longer be publishing in print. All future publications will be written serially, and posted on Wattpad... FOR FREE. I am branding myself as a strictly digital author with zero profit, and I know that it's the right decision.This past year has been hard on me mentally, and I've had to face some pretty enlightening facts about myself as a person and as an author. In light of that, I discovered that the real reason I write is to make other people (all of you) happy, so that's why I'm choosing to step out onto a new platform that will make it more convenient for all of my readers to hear my words.This page will be a hub of sorts for all of my work, both original fiction and fan-fiction alike, so look out for new posts featuring updated chapters from all of your favorite stories, including The Mind Breaker Accounts, Negative Spaces, and Never.First on that list:Carter's short story from Negative Spaces - https://www.wattpad.com/361453229-negative-spaces-part-1-carterand the first chapter of Instead of This (Book 3 in TMBA) - https://www.wattpad.com/361451337-instead-of-this-book-3-of-the-mind-breakerI'm so excited about this, and I hope that all of you will be excited for it as well 

Here I am again, ready to lift a few things off my shoulders. Unfortunately, I feel like the only times I’ve written in this blog as of late are when I have heavy topics to discuss, but what can you do?
If you’re one of my readers, or merely a follower on one of my book-related accounts, you might have noticed that I’ve been a bit absent. There are several reasons for this - the most important one being something that a lot of you already know about – but today, I’m going to be addressing something a bit different.
For me, the past two years have been a time of tremendous personal hardship. I hit a very low point. My struggle with body aches and fatigue reached an all time high, I gained a significant amount of weight from the inability to do much of anything, and I had stressed myself out with deadlines to the extent that I was considering giving up writing altogether. Not to mention, my lack of recent releases made me feel insignificant and lackluster compared to so many of my peers when I attended my first book event in months. At first, Book Con made me feel jealous and disappointed with myself. Then, after a talk with a good friend at a bar, it motivated me to push forward. I started writing again. However, after another flare up of health issues, I stopped. Again.
If you remember, I was publishing two books a year. That was an enormous responsibility that I unnecessarily put upon myself. I felt an obligation to my readers to give them the books they wanted, and at the same time, I felt an obligation to stay relevant. Being self-published meant I had to push myself 10x further than other authors, because 100% of the work landed on me. I had to market, distribute, write, edit, plan, create, and design all on my own. And when I hit a road block after losing my motivation towards finishing The Mind Breaker Accounts, I thought I had failed. I thought because I wasn’t writing what I really wanted to, that meant I should just switch gears and everything would be fine, but even after starting work on the Small Circles short stories, I still couldn’t get back into a steady rhythm. I was wounded, and I was becoming depressed.
I crawled into a hole, away from social media and away from the book world completely. I stopped posting. I stopped sharing. And I hoped that people just wouldn’t notice. For the most part, they didn’t. And that, above all other things, is what made me crash.
Now, before this story takes a very dark turn, I’d like to take the time to say that I am perfectly fine. I am in a much better place than I was before, and I have no intention of going back there. But what got me out of it? You might be surprised, then again, you might not…
The Walking Dead .
Yep. That’s right. I don’t think there’s a single living soul on the universe that isn’t aware of my deeply devoted passion towards that television show. I attend the cons. Collect the merchandise. And well, there are no words for Norman. Until a year ago, I was a traditional viewer of the show. I was slightly more obsessed than your average viewer, yes… but putting that aside, I was not an active member of the fandom. Then, last December, I started an Instagram account. At first, I was just going to post random pictures of Norman Reedus or anything TWD related, and it was mostly because I got the feeling that I had bombarded my followers on bookstagram with shit they didn’t wanna see. It took about a month, but then I started gaining a following on my new account: rednecksaints. After I started looking for other TWD accounts, I realized that a lot of people were using Instagram as a platform for video editing. I’d seen plenty of fan-made Youtube videos, but I hadn’t realized people made them for other social media outlets. Having a limit of 15 seconds (now it’s a minute, whoo!), I thought, “I can totally do that.”
And I did.
I’ve played around with video editing in the past, but I’d forgotten how fun it was. I started posting my edits, and pretty soon, I hit 1,000 followers. At the time, that was the amount I’d reached on my book account, so I was impressed that I was able to match it. Then, I hit 2,000. The fact that people liked my stuff that much gave me a huge boost of self-esteem. I was creating content for a fandom that I love, and sharing it with people who love it just as much. I started thinking, what was it exactly that was so rewarding compared to what I was doing before? I came to realize that it was all about instant gratification. Creating a video, posting it online, and having comments or likes within minutes was so much more satisfying than the pressure of book sales. I don’t earn a prophet on the content I make. I do it because I genuinely enjoy it. It’s fun. And for the sake of my mental health, I kept at it.
After a while, I did start to miss writing. It’s my first love after all, and I’m pretty sure I’ll always come back to it. I tried working on the short stories again, but I was so deep into the TWD fandom, that I couldn’t think about anything else. So, I put my writing skills to use and started a fan-fiction. By doing this, I was able to exercise my creative muscles and hone my craft in a way that had zero pressure. Posting new chapters was exactly like posting my videos. I was able to get feedback almost immediately, and the people that were reading didn’t have to spend money to hear what I had to say. It was the best feeling in the world.
Fast forward to today, and I’m an active content creator in The Walking Dead fandom. Some of you might be disappointed. I know not everyone understands, but that’s why I wanted to explain. It might seem silly, or even juvenile, but being involved in this fandom has literally kept me from going insane. If I didn’t have all of this to focus on, I would have fallen off the wagon. I would have lost a major part of who I am. Needless to say, I’m not walking away from writing novels forever. I loved what I did, and I got so much fulfillment from sharing Small Circles with the world. But I’ve learned that each day is a stepping stone, and for right now, I have to focus on the small things that make me happy.

I have no one to please but myself. And currently, I’ve never been more proud.

I'm writing this post because I have something I need to get off my chest.

Within the last six months or so, I've been struggling with something I've never faced before. My current health situation aside, something inside me didn't feel right. I was uninspired. My drive to write and the motivation I needed to be creative was not there. I didn't understand it at first, but after talking it out with a lot of different people, it's clear to me now what I need to do.

When I first embarked on rereleasing The Mind Breaker Accounts, I had two motivating factors in mind:

1) This is the type of story that will sell
2) I'm going to put all of my money any resources into this series and see what happens

Both thoughts haunted me while writing the first two books, but they didn't latch on and cause damage until I got to the third one. Don't get me wrong, this series will always be dear to me. Don't read this and think I'm intending to hate on the story, because I know there are people out there that are fans of these books. I started this series when I was in high school, and it was my way of testing the waters when it came to writing and becoming published. I learned a lot through them, but even so, I was never attached to them. This type of book - the paranormal, science fictiony stuff - it's never been my forte. I enjoy reading it from time to time, but my heart truly lies in the contemporary world. Those that have read my novel, Small Circles, should realize this to be true. It took nothing for me to write that book, and yet I poured my entire soul into it. It was easy and it felt right, because that story is the type of thing I'm passionate about. Without a shadow of a doubt, it's what I'm MEANT TO DO.

I love telling stories about teenagers. I love exploring their struggles and reminding people how important the small things used to be. YA isn't just about being a young person. It's about embracing the fact that your entire world is ever-changing and wide open. For those that are my age or older, it might seem like petty drama to you now, but when you were 16, if that boy you liked didn't talk to you, it felt like the end of the world. Despite experiencing first loves and everlasting friendships, I learned so much about myself when I was in high school. The experiences I went through shaped me into who I am now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. That time in my life was so important, and I feel like it's my job to share that with others.

This brings me back to my point...
Because I finally understood my true passion, I realized that I was stuck. I had committed myself to something that I didn't really care about. I was writing something that I didn't love. I was writing something for the sake of making money, and I had conformed to the idea that I could write anything for anyone, when in reality, I should have been writing it for me.
I have to write the book that only I can write, and right now, INSTEAD OF THIS is not that book.

I'm sure this is disappointing to those of you that have been anxiously awaiting the third book in the series, but I wanted to be honest with you, and I wanted to do what's best for me. I don't want to give you something that I'm not 100% proud of. I don't want to write a book that has no backbone. When I write something, it's got to come from my heart. I'm not saying that INSTEAD OF THIS will never be finished. All I'm saying is that I'm planning to step away from it for a while, until I feel confident in it again. One day, when the time is right, I'll come back to it. But only when I'm ready.

What I'm going to do now is focus all of my energy into something that I've been dying to get my hands on. I'm going to start working on the Small Circles short stories full time, and I plan to get it out to you by the end of the summer like originally planned. I'm confident that this is the best decision for me, and I hope you will all agree that it's better than forcing something just for the sake of making a sale. Working on Instead of This made me start to despise writing. And I love writing, so I never want to feel like this again.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Your love and support has gotten me this far, so I hope you can stick with me through the rest of my journey. Scratch that. Let's make it OUR journey, because I couldn't do any of this without you.

xx

-Megan.