Martin Reed's Blog

Hooray! After a very long cryo sleep, yours truly has come back from the land of the dead following the completion of his latest (and hopefully final) pass. For those who don’t know what a pass is:

NBA players have mastered the art of the discreet butt grab.

No. That’s not the kind of pass I’m talking about. Let’s try this again:

Not even drunk driving is an excuse here.

Um, no. Still not the type of pass I’m talking about. Third time’s a charm?

Just missing some color, and a strong permanent seda...

So, like, yeah…

Where do I start? How about the fact that I’m in agonizing pain thanks to surgery I just had performed to repair a hernia near my left nut. That’s right, my left nut. Know what that means? No sex. No masturbation. No porn. No thinking about naked woman and getting aroused, period. Nothing. So this is what priests and nuns feel like. Must explain this picture:

Considering his profession, technically it’s an oxymoron.

And this:

Because sometimes even God’s graceful touch isn’t enoug...

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Can you feel the holiday spirit? No? Then you need to drink more. Anyways, to kick off my latest blog post, I just wanted to share some of my mediocre poetry with the rest of the world. Please refrain from gouging out your eyes if you find it less than satisfactory as poetry isn’t something I often dabble in.

Here’s one heavy with alliteration:

SYNTHESIS OF STREWN STITCHES

My characteristically chaotic chemistry is

A synthesis of strewn stitches

Rough rims, rimples and ridges,

Too big fo...

Like reading crap that makes no sense? Me neither, that’s why I recommend you check out my short story instead. It’s about 2000 words (or 10 pages on Word) so don’t worry, you won’t grow too many grey hairs reading it.

The story’s more interesting than this cover. I promise

“SEMPER FI”

6:19 am

With the sun’s morning rays tickling the fine sand, the desert shuddered to the prods of its fiery friend, signaling its wakefulness by sending a series of shockwave ripples that rustled the land.

The two en...

I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and post a new article (shocking, I know) in light of two recent events:

1. My recent viewing of the abysmal “Iron Man 3″.

2. The subsequent conversation/debate/argument/screaming match that ensued as a result with a co-worker the very next day.

Tony Stark, for his intellect pertaining to all things science, is an absolute idiot when it comes to one of the most fundamental laws of physics: inertia. You’d think someone of his calibre would know what this is...

This post will probably be more random and all over the place than the previous one, so you might find yourself losing brain cells during the process of reading through it. If you value your IQ and don’t want to dip into the low two digit category, then steer clear, otherwise…

I got roped into a heated discussion the other day with someone over how volatile the Middle East still is, even in the wake of a great summer. He said he couldn’t fathom how, to this day, the people there are still so a...

Err… scratch that. Instead of referencing the popular Beastie Boys song, how about ‘No Sleep Till My Next Novel is Done’?

Yep, that’s the title and theme presiding over my life the past month or so. Can I blame that as being the sole reason for my sudden withdrawal from society and the newly invoked “social recluse” status? Probably not, but in the spirit of total randomness and the theme of unpredictability to kick off the new year, I thought I’d write about three totally unrelated (and just...

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this. My six fans are probably pretty displeased but great news! I’ve got three humor articles published at 604republic.com.

For you iPhone fanatics, there’s the speculative piece on future iterations of everyone’s favorite $500 paperweight:

Now everyone can see what meaningless things I use my phone for.

Interested in something a little more visceral? Perhaps some zombies with a dash of humor:

This is what Bill O’Reilly sees when he looks at democrats and lib...

Why 8? Because it’s arbitrary enough and in the spirit of being arbitrary and random, the following list will possibly contain no ounce of coherence, consistency or substance. You’ve been warned.

CASUAL GAMERS

Cheech and Chong’s alternate reality counterparts unwinding after a hard day’s work.

Angry Birds? Sonic Mobile? Generic FPS with wonky touch screen controls? Even more generic 3D racing game with lame stage design? It doesn’t matter. For the casual, content and depth take a backseat to sim...

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Don’t even bother going to jail. Just go home.

Getting respected bloggers to review your debut novel is hard, like getting a hot chick’s number at the club hard. No one knows who you are so why should they care even if your book is the greatest thing ever (in your eyes at least)? First you have to make sure they’re willing to read your specific genre (good luck pitching thatexistentialistnovel about Buddhist monks racing Mopeds down the mountain in Nepal in...