Kate Kinsey's Blog - Posts Tagged "bdsm"

Well, I can't promise I'll blog here regularly, but I'll try. The problem with blogging is that I end up ranting about all kinds of strange things instead of writing my next novel.

For example, right now I am driving myself crazy reading the reviews of RED that have started coming in.

Reviews can be wonderful, they can be mean, they can be crazy... but all in all, a writer shouldn't take them too seriously.

Such as this reviewer, who said:
"The feel of the book, at least to me, is the author does not live the BDSM lifestyle but has read a lot about it. It does not seem to be a familiar area for the author."

Crap, you mean I've been hanging out with perverts for nearly twelve years for no good reason? Now you tell me.

But hey, at least she thinks I've done my homework. That's good, right?

Excuse me, I need to go polish Master's shoes. Or something.

Honestly, I have never read much romance or erotica.

Not much romance, because I'm a cynic and simply cannot suspend the necessary disbelief to swallow most of it.

Not much erotica, because I'd rather have great sex than read about it.

You wanna get me all hot and bothered, give me a good story. It can be romantic, it can be erotic, it can be about unicorns playing soccer on Mars -- but it has to have a GOOD STORY.

And a good story, for me, is not one that follows a predictable formula, or strains credulity to the point of doing permanent damage to the psyche.

But when I started writing "Red," I felt I should read some of the books out there already.

Now, I may not have written a lot of erotica, but I have a lifetime of experience with sex. A lot of sex. I've had more than my fair share of men, and probably your share, too. I was ruled off limits by an entire fraternity house at Georgia Tech, for Christ's sake.

So, take my word for it — I know about sex.

And I know that no one is a natural at blow jobs.

I'm sorry, there's no amount of water-boarding in the world that can make me believe than an inexperienced virgin can immediately start deep-throating the massive penis of the hero (because Lord knows, the hero's meat rocket is ALWAYS massive) until his brain explodes in the most fabulous orgasm of his life.

Yet I've read three books in the last month where the shy young girl steps out of a convent and falls (in an adorably klutzy manner) at the feet of an obscenely gorgeous and sexy millionaire. He smiles at her with those dazzling blue/dark/green/grey eyes and suddenly, she's on her knees swallowing his sword like Belladonna.

This really pisses me off because, honestly, it's insulting to those of us who have spent a lifetime honing our oral skills.

It takes a least twenty or thirty blow jobs just to get comfortable with the one-eyed trouser snake in the first place. At least, this is true for the ladies; I'm sure gay men have a headstart because they have their own equipment to play with. They don't have to get past that urge to giggle just because it looks so funny in its flaccid state.

It takes a woman a little time just to learn to handle the darned thing with confidence. Not having one of our own, we aren't sure how firmly to grasp it. How much pressure is enough, or too little? Is handling the balls okay? Is the skin supposed to slide back and forth like that? Is there actually a bone in there? What if you accidentally break it?

And all that is before you even put it in your mouth. Cause be honest, in the beginning, you kept thinking, "He pees with this thing, and I'm putting it in my mouth." Ewww. You also have to get past the tastes and smells of sweaty balls and sometimes even -- brace yourself -- the faintest whiffs of doo-doo.

Those sounds he's making -- do they mean he's enjoying himself or is he wincing in pain because you accidentally scraped him with your teeth?

(Never mind the fact that you only scraped him with your teeth because the idiot got excited and started pushing your head down on it like he was trying to unblock your sinuses with his penis.)

Then there's the whole issue of saliva and drool. You have to get past the idea that drooling is unattractive and accept that the more drooling and slurping you do, the better it feels to the recipient.

An early learning experience of mine: drinking too much beer = cotton mouth = BAD BLOW JOB.

There is a fine art to the rhythm of sucking and breathing at the same time, kinda like juggling. It takes some practice, as does not vomiting all over your date when the head of his cock hits your epiglottis.

The true mark of a dedicated cocksucker? Being able to swallow your own vomit without missing a beat, even when snot is dripping from your nose and your eyes are runny and your knees are killing you and you just want to scream, OH FOR GOD'S SAKE CUM ALREADY!!!!

But you can't, of course, because your momma told you never talk with your mouth full.

See? This is why I can't write romantic erotica. I've done too much of the real thing, in all it's sweaty, smelly, realistic glory.

Recently, Liz Everly reviewed my novel, "Red," on her fabulous blog, Lady Smut. We exchanged a few emails after that, because I just had to tell her how much I appreciated it. Not just because it was a great review, but because she really "got" what I was going for. That's the kind of "click" that every writer lives for. God knows, we don't do this for the money.

But as we talked, she asked me, as other women outside the BDSM world almost always do: how can you be a feminist and a submissive?

My answer became a guest blog on Lady Smut. You can check out the link below, or read on for the text.

http://ladysmut.com/2012/12/11/guest-...

Here's what I wrote:

I am a well-educated woman in my forties, unmarried and childless by choice, with not just one career, but three: graphic artist, fine artist/crafter and writer. I am independent, opinionated, and I have no qualms about calling myself a feminist.

I am also a submissive in a BDSM relationship of twelve years. That’s right. I wear a collar. I kneel. I say, “Yes, sir.” And I enjoy it.

Every woman with half a brain who approaches BDSM as a lifestyle choice has asked themselves the same question: how can any modern woman — let alone a card-carrying feminist — embrace submission?

Well, at first you feel kind of weird about it. Maybe a tad guilty. Then you do some long, hard thinking about the paradoxes that populate and define BDSM. You do some more long, hard thinking about who you are, what you want, and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

You think about the fundamental thing at the very heart of feminism: the right to choose your own path.

Fifty years ago, a woman being spanked over her husband’s knee for buying the wrong brand of coffee was considered completely acceptable. Now, if a wife wants to be spanked over her husband’s knee just for fun, it’s considered weird at best.

Fifty years ago, it was purely a man’s prerogative to spank/chastise/beat his wife for deviating from the acceptable “norm” in any way… or just because he wanted to.

Now, if it’s the wife asking for the spanking because it arouses her, and arouses him as well, that element of choice and the difference in the motivation for it changes everything completely. Or does it?

Because, of course, our collective psyche carries all the baggage about what those acts mean symbolically and historically. Most of us understand that we are playing with those stereotypes, and that these often arouse us precisely because, on some level, we are turning those stereotypes and expectations inside out.

A submissive is not synonymous with “doormat.” Submission is all about making a personal choice to submit to a particular person, at a particular time, within carefully negotiated limits. To participate in our reindeer games, you must first figure out what you want and what you don’t want, and you absolutely must learn how to be honest and clear in your communication about it.

This is how all relationships are supposed to be, but BDSM has made communication and consent its holy mantra. We actually have checklists, for God’s sake! Some of us even have contracts!

I think back to my first “vanilla” sexual experiences, and I wish that I’d had the strength and wisdom to say to my partner: I want this, not that. More of this, less of that. And can we try X, Y and a little Z? Because that is exactly what you do before engaging in play of any sort in the kinky world, whether it’s a casual “scene” at the local dungeon or beginning a relationship.

Unfortunately, some women do come into this without understanding that being a submissive does not mean you are submissive to just anyone and everyone. Sometimes we have to educate those self-proclaimed dominants who think any and every submissive is his for the taking. Want to start a small-scale war? Just let a dominant man walk into a club and snap his finger at the first woman he sees with a collar around her neck, barking, “Bring me a drink!” It’s not her master that will cut his balls off, it’s her.

I’ve used “him” as dominant, and “her” for the submissive, but that’s simply because that’s the particular dynamic that concerns feminism. The female submissive/male dominant coupling gets the most attention from the vanilla world, but it’s not the whole of BDSM.

BDSM is NOT about gender roles. Submissive and dominant have nothing to do with male/female. There are many female dominants and male submissives. There are women – straight and lesbian – who submit to other women, men who submit to other men. We talk about dominant and submissive as an orientation, like straight, gay or bisexual. It’s not unusual for someone to be dominant with one or more partner, and submissive with another.

I began exploring my fantasies when I was 38. I had been a rebel since college, fiercely independent and determined not to be defined by the men in my life. Yet in my secret fantasies, being dominated by a man in the bedroom really got my juices flowing. (I blame it on a Southern Baptist upbringing. I was intensely curious about sex, but was convinced that I would never have sex until my wedding night. Unless, of course, some dashing, mysterious pirate kidnapped and ravished me. Yes, please!)

When I finally began meeting dominant men, I found myself thinking, “Hell, I’m more dominant that he is!” I nearly put a stiletto heel through the foot of one “dominant” who got a little too persistent one night at the dungeon.

Then I met the right dominant. Not the right dominant for everyone, but the right one for me, and he happened to be male. I’d submitted to several women, and enjoyed it, but the sexual dynamic wasn’t quite right. I’d played with several men, and enjoyed it, but it wasn’t quite right either… until I found him.

There is something inside me that wants to submit, that gains tremendous satisfaction from it, but it will only come out when the right person calls to it. And when that happens, it’s as if the floodgates open.

Consider the enormous intensity of emotions that come from “play” that taps into our deepest, darkest and most primal places, that engages not just the body but the heart and mind.

It’s deeper and wider than mere “sex”: new sensations that you never knew were possible, exploring the body more thoroughly than ever before, sending adrenaline and endorphins and hormones coursing through your veins to heighten every sensation. You are doing things you have always wanted to do but never before dared, things that require more trust and honesty than you have ever shared with another before….

How could I not adore the person who gave me all of that? When I came through whatever he asked of me, and saw his pleasure and pride in me, it was the sweetest satisfaction I’d ever known. Did I question myself as a woman? Yes. But I got over it. Because isn’t the surest definition of a feminist a woman who does exactly what she wants because it makes her happy and fulfilled?

It’s tough to admit but one of the things I came to love about D/s was the clarity and simplicity of it.

I’m certainly not arguing for a throwback to 1954, because such clearly defined roles can never work without the wholehearted choice of a willing heart. That was the whole problem with 1954: it was assumed that every woman would be a good little housewife whether she wanted to or not. There was no choice involved at all.

But neither should you think that a D/s relationship means Sir gets to have his way all the time and I just have to go along with it. I have choices. He has obligations. And every bit of it is open to negotiation all the time.

When I became my Sir’s “slave,” I willingly made all my thoughts and feelings his property, which meant that it was not my place to decide what to hide and what to reveal. Sounds barbaric? Then consider what it means: none of that silent stewing that we women so often fall pray to. I’m not allowed to say, “I’m fine” when I’m really pissed as hell. No sulking allowed.

In the D/s relationship, my responsibility is to be honest and truthful, as long as I express myself respectfully. And he has the responsibility to listen to what I tell him, to be sure my needs are being taken care of, that I feel valued and loved.

In agreeing to be his slave, I agreed to give up the struggle to always be right, and that was a BIG one for me. Not to get the last word. Not to score points with a stinging comeback. No more keeping score of his mistakes to hit him over the head with later. I realized just how much bullshit sexual warfare there had been in my other relationships. To give that up was such a relief!

There is no one correct way to do any of this. Do some masters/mistresses refuse to let anyone speak to their collared sub without their permission? Some do. Mine has always told me that he doesn’t require or want such micromanagement, and that he loves me for being an independent woman who can speak for herself. And if he’d wanted to micromanage me, I probably wouldn’t have remained his for all these years. The D/s only works when both individuals needs and desires mesh and complement each other.

The whole issue of the collar is a sore spot for many feminists. But there’s a vast difference in what an outsider believes the collar to mean, and what it really means to those who practice BDSM. A collar is as much as symbol of commitment as of ownership, the BDSM equivalent of a wedding ring, for those who take it seriously. For some, it’s just a fashion statement, a prop, a part of the “costume.” And it’s okay either way. We really like our costumes!

Last but not least, please understand that the desire to submit or to dominate is NOT the result of abuse or psychological damage. This is one of the most persistent and damaging stereotypes, and the favorite of those feminists who protest against BDSM as degrading to women. Are there survivors of abuse and incest in the BDSM community? Of course. They are also in your local Chamber of Commerce and PTA, because physical and sexual abuse is an epidemic in our society. But most of the people I know who practice BDSM come from very uneventful backgrounds.

The few I’ve known who do have abuse of some kind in their past have come to BDSM as a way of reclaiming the sexuality that was stolen from them. With its emphasis on communication and the sanctity of consent, BDSM gives them a safe space in which to work out those hurts and fears.

What has made Fifty Shades of Grey and other BDSM erotica so popular is exactly the same thing that brings women to BDSM in general. It’s arousing to think of being swept away by passion, to be so desired by a man that he wants to “take” you and “own” you. It’s exciting to break the taboos and walk along the edge of naughty. But none of it would be at all exciting or arousing if choice wasn’t at the core of it.

BDSM is all about choice, power, pleasure and self-realization. And if my book (Red) has helped readers understand BDSM even a little bit better, than I am more than pleased. I’m grateful.

Check out this new podcast by my friends Woody and Beast, all about the kinkier side of life.

I've done two interviews with them so far. The first, Episode #5, is available in the Archives, and we're discussing my book, RED, and that OTHER damned kinky book, you know the name of it. THAT one! And there's some talk about BDSM erotica in general.

The second episode just went live this Sunday, April 20. In this one, I'll talking about "sub frenzy" -- what it is, how to recognize it, why it can be a problem, and how to deal with it so that you and everybody else still has good kinky sex in as safe a manner as possible!

I hope you'll take a listen, and "LIKE" KinkyCast on Facebook and Twitter. If you are interested in real life kink, this is a great podcast to listen to. It's available at www.kinkycast.com, naturally, but also on iTunes, Stitcher and Cast Roller. IT'S FREE… and pretty darned entertaining.

In the coming months, we'll be talking to Janet Hardy, author and publisher, as well as Dr. Gloria Brame, author of "Different Loving" and "Come Hither," among a dozen other titles!

I'm writing a new serial novel -- that means, it's a novel published a few chapters at a time -- called The Totally Uncensored Kinky Adventures of Chloe St. Claire, Sex Slave.

Part 1: Let the Sin Begin made its debut last week on Amazon downloads. Part 2: Deeper and Darker is out today!

And as a gift to all my kinky friends, TOMORROW you can download Part 1 for ABSOLUTELY FREE. That's right. FREE SMUT! That's tomorrow APRIL 27 AND APRIL 28 -- two days of free fucking and sucking and squirming and screaming and begging for mercy. What a deal!

Don't worry if you don't have a Kindle. You can read ebooks on your phone, tablet or computer — and if you're reading this, you've got at least one of those, right?

I'm offering Part 1 for free because I really need your help. I need you to read it, and when you finish masturbating, post a quick little review to GoodReads.com and/or Amazon.com telling me and the rest of the world what you thought.

Even if you didn't like it, I want to know! Just try to tell me nicely why you didn't like it, lol. For example… "You misspelled gang bang" or "That scene with the hamster was the most disgusting thing I've ever read."

(That was just an example. There is no hamster scene in Part 1. I'm saving that for Part 4. Kidding, kidding!)

And don't worry that this is some fluffy Fifty Shades of I Don't Know What The Fuck I'm Talking About…. If you're looking for that kind of fantasy, this may be a little much for you. Chloe St. Claire doesn't apologize to anybody for her desires…. and neither should any of us!

And if you write me a really good long review on both Amazon and GoodReads, bring me a copy and you can trade it for a blow job.

Kidding, kidding.

(Not really, but ssssh…..)

Tomorrow, Sept 9, 2014, my new non-fiction book, "How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive" is available absolutely free!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NC05X2K

Wow, that title is a mouthful, but then, Chloe St. Claire isn't the kind of girl to do anything half way. Go big, or go home, she says!

This is the first in a trilogy of novellas chronicling Chloe's journey into submission under the guidance of Satyr, her master. As every meeting takes her deeper and deeper into her most erotic fantasies, the question becomes: Just how far will she go?

Wow, that title is a mouthful, but then, Chloe St. Claire isn't the kind of girl to do anything half way. Go big, or go home, she says!

This is the first in a trilogy of novellas chronicling Chloe's journey into submission under the guidance of Satyr, her master. As every meeting takes her deeper and deeper into her most erotic fantasies, the question becomes: Just how far will she go?

That's right, you can enter to win a free paperback copy of "How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive" right here on Goodreads!

If Fifty Shades of Grey has made you wonder what BDSM is really all about, well… here's the perfect place to start your exploration — even if you just want to read about. And if you do actually want to begin a journey into the passionate intimacy of dominance and submissive, "Healthy and Happy" gives you the tools to do it sanely, safely and consensually.

Don't wait, enter now!

So, you read Fifty Shades of Grey and it piqued your curiosity. Now you're wondering, "What next?" Well, my friends and I have some suggestions.

The Beyond-50 Project is a loose coalition of writers, artists, editors, publishers and friends who love a little BDSM in their lives, whether it’s only in the flights of fancy found in fiction, in occasional playful erotic games, or as part of a their identity.

We've created a website Beyond-50.com where you will find links to all kind of erotica, both fiction and non-fiction, with something to suit every taste, from nicely naughty or wildly edgy. You'll also find excerpts and samples, blogs and essays, art and poetry and all kinds of neat stuff.

KinkyCast.com has joined Beyond-50 with an big 2-part podcast spotlighting some of the Beyond-50 authors and their work:

Laura Antoniou
D. L. King
Jolynn Raymond
I. G. Frederick
Payne Hawthorne
TammyJo Eckhart
Rachel Kramer Bussel

All of these authors have written many books of erotica, and some of them like D.L. King have edited dozens of anthologies and collections.

So please, visit Beyond-50.com to learn more, and visit http://www.katekinsey.com/beyond-50-s...

for links to each of these authors websites as well as the FREE PODCAST from KinkyCast.com that is available now for your listening pleasure.