Kawanee Hamilton's Blog

Okay, so we’ve been in the same place for 8 yrs now and it’s been too small since mom moved in. The rent has nearly doubled over the past 2 yrs. Do you know what hasn’t doubled? My income. So it’s been a rough time of it.

I’ve found that I feel caged in. I found that I don’t want to go home, work is my peaceful place. Yeah, I know that’s pretty bad huh? Well, it’s a break from mom and it’s a break from the house. I’ve found that if my mom and I are out scooty-pooting around we are happier and more light-hearted, and we get along better. When we get back into the house… everything seems to evaporate and we get back to disagreeing and being snippy with each other. My son retreats to his room in classic avoidance or he feels the need to be the peacemaker and that isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes he misinterprets what is going on and thinks we are arguing when we are not and his interference just makes things escalate. Bless his heart he tries and he comes from a good place.

Mom’s needs have changed as well. She needs a walk-in shower so she can keep up her hygiene and not be afraid of falling when getting into the tub. The floors are stained concrete, they are very pretty and look like marble, but they are hard and if she falls it will likely cause catastrophic injuries. Her current room is small and she doesn’t have enough room for everything and she keeps rearranging it. This leads to foot injuries, and because she wants to be independent she doesn’t ask for help, bumps and bruises and falls (thankfully her room is carpeted). I’ve helped her rearrange and it looks nice, but after a few days she’s back at it and I don’t have the time or energy to constantly do work that will ultimately be undone. I’m tired.

Speaking of small, by combining the households, there’s more furniture than space and it makes all the rooms smaller. I feel closed in and that my house is constantly a mess, it’s cluttered, busy and it’s stressful. We’ve had to get a storage unit which is an added expense that we really can’t continue to keep.

Our first landlord was very good about fixing things and a very good person. He changed out the air filters for the HVAC every month and kept up pest control. The service was amazing and you felt like he cared about you; I believe that he did. But…

He sold it to someone who raised the rent by $300. When the shingles blew off the roof in a storm in December they didn’t repair it until February. The roof leaked and now there are cracks and stains in the ceiling drywall. When the refrigerator went up, it took them 2 weeks to get us a new one. They stopped pest control and no one was changing the air filters. He then sold it to someone else.

They raised the rent again by $150. I let them know that the kitchen faucet didn’t have enough water pressure to stay on to wash dishes. The pipes made thumping sounds and the water would cut out in the middle of rinsing a dish. The faucet seal had failed, it took them 6 months to come to fix it. The heat shield in the oven keeps dropping open and has caused minor cuts, scrapes, and burns. The faucet is still bubbling water when you turn it on, and the toilet is not level so it rocks when you sit on it. If I’m going to pay that kind of money, I want the service to come with it. You promptly fix anything that goes wrong with it. They still haven’t fixed anything and it’s been over 6 months.

So when they raised the rent another $150, I decided that enough was enough. We are getting out of there. The income in this area does not support $1200 a month for a house much less an 1100 sq ft duplex. I can hear my neighbor going to the bathroom through the walls because they are so thin. (From the sound of it, I think they should see a doctor by the way… ) Anywho!

I found a bigger place, with a fireplace and a walk-in shower for mom. I have enough closet space that I don’t need to pay for storage anymore. It comes with a new washer and dryer so I hope to save money on the newer appliances. It’s in a nice shaded area with lots of old trees and hopefully, that will keep the cooling bill down in the summer and the fireplace will keep the heating bill low too. The floors are grey wood laminate and softer in case mom falls. The only problem with it is there are 4 steps to get mom up to get inside. That’s a big problem and I think we might need to get a temporary ramp made for her.

But when the rent is $325 less and I don’t have to pay $75 for storage (saving me $400 total) we’ll figure out how to get mom inside. We will figure that chit out; yes we will!

An added bonus? I feel like the old house is full of sadness and grief. We moved in right after hubby passed, we were in a dark, depressing, and anxiety-ridden time. So I think this move will close that chapter and we will ultimately be happier with the fresh start in a new place.

Your ~excited to move,
Kaw

Let me just start by saying: I’m a huge nerd, I was born during the solar eclipse in 1970. Whether it was during totality in my area is up in the air because I don’t know my exact time of birth. I was told my dad went out and was watching it while waiting for me to be born.

Anyway, if you’ve never seen a total eclipse (like me) it’s absolutely surreal. I’ve seen plenty of partial eclipses because I love them and have that connection/affinity for them. (and space in general.) In 2017 we had one get to 80% and it was awesome. I took pictures and I scored one with a black cat walking through a myriad of little eclipses that were cast on the ground by the tree leaves. (I’ll attach it when I’m home and on my PC. I’m at work and on the laptop right now.)

Nothing can compare to it, you see everything seems to get dim. My son said: It’s like adjusting the color on your monitor, it’s dull. And it gets a little darker and darker, you think you have time that it will continue this gentle descent into darkness, but it’s not. When totality hits, it’s so sudden. Everything changes.

I gasped.

The temperature dropped, the street lights came on and it was just like being outside on a full moon. The stars were out. Clouds formed, a breeze blew through. It’s beautiful, it’s eerie, it’s amazing and surreal. I imagined how the primitive people must’ve felt seeing it. The horrifying amazement they must’ve felt.

For 4 minutes and 11 seconds, it was neither day nor night but at the same time, it was both. At first, all I could do was stare at it in shock as it registered. My heart was racing, I was smiling from ear to ear and so excited and yet calm awe. Struck by the spectacle. I can’t even put it into words exactly. Then my heart began racing, a smile spread from ear to ear and I so excited and yet calm in total awe. Struck by the spectacle. You have GOT to be there to understand it, it’s an experience. I wish it could last for longer. The words: awesome! Badass! Wow, oh my god, incredible were sprinkled liberally amongst the myriad of things that spilled out of our mouths.

And after entirely too short a time, totality ended and the world was plunged back into daylight. Again it was sudden and shocking, my heart dropped in disappointment.

I didn’t want it to end yet. In my video, I breathed: And just like that, it’s back.

You have GOT to be there to understand it, it’s an experience. I wish it could last for longer. I told my son, we need two moons and this should happen again. I need to see it again, but the next one won’t be visible in my area until 2044 and I’ll be 74. If the world is still here, and I make it to that age… I’ll consider myself lucky to get to see it twice in my life.

4 minutes and 11 seconds was not enough.

~~Your Still Giddy
Kaw

PS. This is one of those things where I recorded it but also made sure to be in the moment. Being in the moment often means not getting the best video, and that’s okay. I wanted it in my memory as well as in my camera. The camera cannot do it justice.

I disappeared again! Dang it.

Well another update, I finished editing Nwa Pante Rising on my birthday (march 7th). It’s with a reader that’s helping with any remaining issues. That is still in progress.

I’ve started working on the second Alleys book. I’m trying to move and also further my education so I can make a better life for us. I have a lot of irons on the fire and I’m juggling things.

Life is being a pain in the arse right now and really making me feel down on myself and everything else as well. I’m doing okay(ish). Mom’s dementia is getting worse and my rent has doubled over the past 2 yrs while my income has not.

It’s pure greed and really does a number on your spirit because it’s not anything you did wrong that puts you in that position. Just other people’s actions. So life is busy right now AND we have the big eclipse coming monday. This place is going crazy with people flooding in.

That’s where I’m at right now. Y’all have a good day.

~Kaw

Yep, my brain has a lot of thoughts about a lot of things on varied subjects. So I was looking through a notebook and found some pages where I had been taking notes on women in history and their roles as midwives, spiritual leaders, revolutionaries, etc.

Invariably, you’ll find witches in history, or more accurately, accusations of witchcraft. My brain said: OOoooooooh, let’s see where this goes! It was interesting and educational.
So… uhm… I’ll share my thoughts and what I learned. In short, anytime the patriarchy or the status quo is threatened by powerful women, they curl their lips and sneer as they condemn them by any means necessary. They do this by attacking her sexuality, her knowledge, and her desire to be treated equally and by her own rules. They call it witchcraft.

The ancient Celts viewed marriage as a partnership between men and women. Women had legal protections and could not be married against their will. They owned lands they inherited independently of their husbands and could pursue legal actions.

Like did you know that before the Catholic church, witches weren’t considered evil or in league with the devil? Before that, these women were seen as priestesses, seers, oracles, and healers. They were consulted before wars and called upon to provide herbs to ease childbirth, to end pregnancies, or to help aid in pregnancies and all kinds of ailments. It was only after the male-dominated religion took hold they were demonized.

Especially by Heinrich Kramer; he wrote a book called The Hammer of Witches. It hold gems like:
HIM: When a woman thinks alone, she thinks evil.
Me: Shut up Heinrich, yer giving our secrets away! And also, how do you know? Do you read minds? -looks at you suspiciously- You know what I think? I think you got lied about something and your wife was sitting there mulling over your bullchit and you got in trouble. So, instead of accepting the blame, you shifted it back on her blaming her evil little mind.
HIM: Women are liars by nature.
Me: I knew it!!! You lied and she was just sitting there staring off in space. So you asked her what she was doing and she said “Thinking”. So now rather than take responsibility for it, you blamed her for thinking. I think there’s a phrase that fits here and it goes something like this: we accuse in others what we know about ourselves. Oooh Heiney, you’re telling on yourself. tsk, tsk!
HEINEY: They kill men by emptying their purses, consuming their strength and causing him to forsake God.
Me: Sounds like men forsake god when they go broke… where’s your faith Heiney?
but is it really women? or is it the cost of maintaining a home, providing for children, keeping a roof over everyone’s heads? Or maybe you married someone that is outside your price range? Seems a little like this is on you.

Heiney (and others) had a lot more to say, and I’ll get into that in other posts. Anywho it seems they are up to it again. Also… a male guest that was hanging around the office asked me what I was doing and I explained my thoughts. He’d been hanging around for 20 minutes and had popped in and out of the office at least 4 or 5 times wanting to talk.

He said: Why are you worried? You’re not a witch.
And I just stood there… the silence got louder.
Him: are you?
Me: Well… my mom always knows stuff ahead of time. She prays and gets what she wants… some might call that a witch. And I do the same…
Him: Well, uh… I need to go back to my room.
Me: Oh, okay, bye now…
I smile and chuckle as he gives me a nervous look over his shoulder at me. I bet if I’d went boo! he’d have freaked out.

~Kawanee

Soo, after many years of start and stop editing and battles with writer’s block and general malaise, I am focusing on my writing and I’m down to the last 35 pages of this gawd forsaken editing. I love this book, I think it’s funny, it’s got sex, intrigue, kidnapping, paranormal/scifi, fantasy world, magic and… just everything you could want.

I can’t wait to start working on some of the new ideas in my head. I can’t wait to start promoting it and all that… but I hate, hate, hate haaaaaaate, editing. I like to craft the story, throw all of it out on paper/screen and then tweak some, but I was working on editing it when hubby died.

So this is the end of nearly a decade of a writing drought and editing hell. I am happy that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, an end in sight… but I’m also kind of sad. I have no idea why…

~Kaw

My hubby and I were of different faiths, I was Christian and he was a “godless heathen” AKA atheist. That being said, he was also living proof that men don’t need god to be moral, to be good husbands and fathers. He did a lot of good things for people that I wasn’t allowed to talk about, because he said if I told people and they looked up to him or thought better of him or that he benefited in any way, then what he did was no longer altruistic. He didn’t want or need anyone’s approval (in this regard anyway). Was he perfect? Hell no! We had massive arguments, took turns on who was in the wrong, stubborn, and who was too stubborn to admit it. Was he one of the best people on this planet? I believe with my whole heart that he was, I believe that he was a better person than me but that’s a whole different story for another post.

But when he died, my thoughts turned to where he would spend eternity. My religion’s outlook was grim and it’s not something I agreed with at all. If he’s not in heaven, then I don’t want to be there and I have no hope of going there. I’ve struggled with it for 8 years, especially since there are a lot of people in both of our families who are Christian. I do not know if they think about this aspect of his passing or not, I think I hope they don’t. It makes things so much worse… I don’t want to ask or bring it up either. I think it’s a decision each person has to make for themselves and if anyone disagrees they need to keep to themselves.

Because anyone that tries to tell me anything other than that man found peace, happiness, a good night’s sleep with a pillow that never gets hot and supports his neck just the right way, all the doggos he could possibly want, hanging out with the people he’d lost and wanted to see again, guilt-free desserts, foods to eat without putting on weight, a bottomless cup of coffee and all the good things anyone could hope for…. 

They will get punched in the throat.

Repeatedly, unapologetically, and without hesitation. (See that goes back to him being a better person than me.)

Anyway, I had something happen that has thrown my entire life and religious upbringing into chaos but ultimately lifted a burden from my soul and given me peace about the whole thing. Another thing that will be discussed in another post.

With that in mind, just do your best and don’t stress. You’re worthy of love and happiness, you are good enough, you’re enough. So be your wonderful self unapologetically and be kind to yourself even when you aren’t your best. Give yourself grace, it’s okay not to be perfect.

~ Your hellbound Kaw

I’m glad you asked. Instead of getting all hemotional about her being at the game and breaking her records and vowing to boycott… men should be thanking her.

If your wife/SO/GF wants to watch football with you, she won’t interrupt you watching the game. She won’t come in and ask you to do something you don’t want to do… she’ll enjoy watching with you! She might make snacks and drinks, she might not mind your buddies coming over for a watch party.

She didn’t thank Travis in her grammy acceptance speech.
Big freaking deal?! So what? And all that.

I read this article where the writer slammed Taylor for not thanking her boyfriend in her speech. There was much poutrage, and why didn’t she hand wringing over it and a lot of assumptions about her being ungrateful and how women are becoming this way… it’s the downfall of marriage and relationships and women want superiority not equality nonsense.

So now I want to talk about it. lol

The way I see it is this: Travis is a new boyfriend less than a year why on earth does she need to thank him for the success of her songs? If he’d been there a few years and had anything to do with writing or producing her music then sure! If he’d supported her dream of being a star before she became one and stood by her… then sure! If he was the reason she wrote the song/album that won the grammy, then sure!

But he’s not… he’s the new boyfriend.

Let’s put the cleat on the other foot.

Did Travis thank Taylor for his successes on the field? Did she help him train? Did she encourage him to try out for the NFL? Did she contribute in any way? No… he was in the NFL and an athlete before he met her. Was there any outrage over him not thanking her? No.

Seriously y’all… stop making up stuff to be mad about. Her not thanking him is not an attack on the patriarchy. Women wanting to walk around and not be afraid of being assaulted and/or being forced to give birth is not an attack on patriarchy. Women wanting to be able to support themselves and get the same money for doing the same job a man does is not an attack on the patriarchy. Taylor swift is not the death of football nor is she attacking the patriarchy.

Y’all getting all himotional about nothing.

Your Amused
~Kaw

Before you answer, give it some thought. I thought it would be cool and heck yeah why wouldn’t you want the chance to talk to someone again? It’s a surreal experience and I’m still processing it.

Some time in October or November when I went to a paranormal expo (because I like all things ghostly and whatnot) and was chosen to get to use a spirit box. If you’ve never heard of it… it’s a device that lets ghosthunters communicate with spirits. I’ve seen them used and it’s pretty neat, on TV… but in person, it’s a whole new experience. Especially when it goes on for 45 minutes when the guy running it says: Well… uh this has never happened before… we usually get like a minute or two, maybe a phrase, but at best 5 or 10 minutes of interaction.

His story on why he made it is pretty compelling as is the science behind it. It’s based on quantum entanglements, physics, different dimensions, energy, and connections. I figured this was right up hubby’s ghostly alley and he’d come through.
Spoiler: he did not…
When the operator asked if someone or something was holding him back another voice said:
Only himself… (That’s totally a Dave thing.)
Gawdammit dave! get yer ass out here and talk to me!
In true hubby form, he did not in fact get his ass out there.

There were a lot of people on the other side that came through, but not hubby. After it was over, I had 2 people offer to try again and this time to film it. I haven’t taken them up on the offer yet, but I do have their cards.

So mom has developed Alzheimer’s and Dementia. I remember when she came out to visit just before hubby passed. She came to visit in January 2016; the first thing I noticed was that she was walking weird. My son noticed it too and said: Granma walks like a cat on wet ice.

Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. Her foot placement was very tentative, and more of a sliding shuffle than a walk. If you’ve ever seen Tim Conway on Carol Burnett’s show playing the old man… you got it! If you haven’t seen it, it’s hilarious and you should go watch it. Anyways…

Then at dinner, she was in a good mood and being her normal adorkable self. She likes her ice water with a lot of ice and only a little bit of water, she told the waitress: If you get it right, I’ll tell your boss to give you a raise! Well, the girl got it right and mom was happier than a pig in mud, and she was exclaiming over how pleased she was. Then she shifted mental gears into how someone else got it wrong and her entire mood and face changed to unhappy as it had just happened. Weird… but okay… once again I shrugged it off.

When hubby died, she came back out, and this time I was too wrapped up in my own misery to really notice except she was having personality issues with my aunt that came out with her. It’s nothing new, they have 2 different love languages. Mom likes to clean, organize, and be of service. My aunt is fun, she’s impulsive, she is a distraction, and she will take you out exploring the town or to catch Pokemon, but she does not adult. My mom and sister have always butted heads and likely always will.

This is an example of the difference between my aunt and my mom. I had the exact same conversation with both of them, only not at the same time and then I had it with sis as well.

Me: Look, I’m a bit raw emotionally right now. If we’re cutting up and playing or if sis and mom get into it and I step outside for a few minutes. Leave me alone… you haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t want hugs. I don’t need anything but time to maybe just need to reset and I’ll be back in when I am ready.

Aunt: Okay, punkin, I understand.
Sis: Yeah, okay… but let me know if you do want someone with you. (something like that, she got it)
Mom in the car with us on the way to pick up sis at the airport we’re going 75mph on the highway: I don’t understand what you mean. Why would you get upset if we’re laughing and having fun? Why do you think we’ll argue? Why can’t you just stay there? So, I’m not supposed to talk to them because it might make you cry? Why would it make you cry? How long do you think you’ll be outside? I just don’t understand why you are going to make a big deal out of it, if you’re upset it’s going to upset us. Why do you want us to just leave you outside to cry?
Me: Mom, tuck and roll…
Her: What’s that mean?
Me: It means, I’m about to open the door and Sparta kick you out of the car. You’ll need to tuck into a ball and roll so you don’t get hurt as much. I’ll pick you up on the way back. Can you just respect what I’m saying?

Long story short, they did get into it because my mom was being petty and I did step outside. my sister was better behaved than my mom. (which was weird.) In fact, my respect for my sister came up a few notches while mom’s plummeted. Her behavior when I needed her most was unacceptable and I find myself unable to get over it. I understand she’s sick and can’t help some of it, but it was damaging and I started mourning her then.

When I moved home with her until I found my own place I realized she was having more issues than I thought. Someone knocked on the door at midnight and she got up to open the door.
Me: who is it?
she said: Some guy and just opened the door. Luckily it was my brother, but she didn’t know that.

She moved in with me in January of 2018 and there were small forgetful moments that I chalked up to age and didn’t worry too much about it. They became more and more frequent, much more noticeably during COVID-19 when she wasn’t getting out and helping with grocery shopping or other errands. It was time to worry and to tell my sister and brother that things were going very wrong.

I’ll end here for now and pick up the continuing journey with her and how it all went downhill in October of 2021. There are some funny things that happened among the scary and depressing parts.

As always I’ll put my humor into it because one thing I’ve learned is… If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. If you cry, you might not stop… and you start having thoughts that aren’t helpful.

I’ll get back into my break up with organized religion in other posts, I want this post to be about where I am now. The other posts are to explain to you how I got here, why things make more sense, and why I’m happier here. It’s very unsettling and hard to let go of something so deeply rooted in your life but also terrifyingly freeing. Not just my religion, but all religions are cast in a new light and I have to find my footing in this new uncharted territory.

A pivotal point in my life is tied to losing Dave (the hubby), as a lot of them are. I’m going to make a timeline of pivotal moments sometime and if I can figure out how to link them to the appropriate blog entry that will be awesome sauce!

2023 and a random event brought everything to a head and sent me into a full-blown crisis. (I’ll explain in another entry.) I’ve always tried to believe in science and yet hold onto my faith, for example:
Laws of physics: That energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
My logic: We are a bunch of electrical impulses happening all at once, we are energy in a meat sack. Our energy leaves the meat sack when it is no longer viable. Our energy is not destroyed… this gels with the bible. Energy doesn’t get sick, it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t age.. cool science and faith are getting along! Oooh Streets of gold… conductors of electricity… everything is still coool! Yay!

Something happened at the end of the year that blew my carefully constructed cardhouse completely apart. Everything that I’d been taught was a lie… shock and betrayal were the first things that popped up followed by resentment… and yet a huge weight had fallen off my shoulders and I didn’t know how to process all that. So of course I called my little sister for a consult… because she’s awesome and I can count on her to cut through my bullchit. I explained what had happened and the resulting chaos in my world.
She ever so helpfully replied:
Uh… you’ve suspected that it’s all bullchit for a while now.. why are you so surprised now that you have confirmation?
I didn’t know how to answer that… I’m sure I stammered something like: Uh, yeah but… I mean.. do you know what all I didn’t get to do? I’ve always tried to be the good girl? For WHAT?!!! Not that I’d be a bad girl, but still! So many people around the world killed over fairy tales and smoke and mirrors, I’m going to be sick…

Now I know what I’d say. I’d say: yeah but it’s like suspecting you’re being cheated on and coming home to find them having sex on your couch. There’s a world of difference and it’s devastating but also allows you to cut free from something that no longer serves you.

I can be what I want to be. No more worry about being condemned for every little wrong thought. I can have a glass of wine without guilt. I am free to follow whatever path I want without fear. (okay there’s still some)

My son said this: Mom, you cannot take pieces from two separate puzzles and combine them to make one new one. You put them together separately and admire them each for what they are.
And I said: huh… okay… yeah, I can work with that sort of. (Dunno when he got so deep and smart but I’m here for it.) 
He also apologized and said he wished he could meet the person I could’ve been without these constraints.

And so it is that I’m entering 2024 with a whole new outlook and attitude…

Your free to be me,
Kaw