Jen Kirchner's Blog

Harry���s heart thundered in his chest. The tree trunks rolling after him thundered everything else. Birds screeched and flew from the trees in dark clusters.

Harry veered out of the trunks��� path, scrabbling up a small hill through a patch of thicker brush. Branches and leaves slapped his face and shins. Thorns grabbed at his clothes and skin, scratching and tearing. It���d hurt later, he knew, but at least he���d be alive. At the top of the hill, he paused and waited for the logs to roll past him���

As they neared, they changed course and followed Harry up the hill as if they were on a guidance system. His brain couldn���t wrap itself around their devious, nimble movement. They were bouncing along the ground and picking up speed. He couldn���t outrun them. Unless he could find somewhere to take cover, he was going to get flattened and killed! Or killed and flattened!

Harry spotted a cluster of old mahogany trees, rosewoods, and balsas with massive trunks. They stood close enough together that the logs chasing him couldn���t fit through the gaps. He made a beeline for them, running between the thickest and hopefully sturdiest of the trunks, then kept on running until the trees started to thin out, about another fifteen feet. He skidded to a stop.

Panting, he hunched over, hands braced on his knees, and watched as the logs streaked through the jungle in pursuit of him, toward his protective barrier of trees���

The logs passed right through the thick trunks as if they were ghosts but mowed down bushes and small cecropias without pause. They continued barreling straight toward him. Harry made a squawk of equal parts fright and outrage. A renewed surge of adrenaline and panic coursed through him, and he sprinted away.

He���d paused too long, and the rolling logs were practically on top of him now. The ground was shaking so violently that Harry was stumbling and struggling to stay on his feet. The sound was deafening. He could barely hear his own screaming, which was probably for the best. He knew he was about to be crushed. A dark shadow fell over him���

���Rabbit Jump!���

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

He pushed off the ground hard. Too hard. His entire body rocketed high into the air at a sharp angle, allowing one of the logs to roll directly under him. They were even more massive than Harry had initially thought.

���Rating: pitiful. It���s as if you���re trying to kill yourself. Tip: Don���t kill yourself.���

Kill himself? What?

Suddenly, his body felt heavy again. The skill had run out! Already! Harry slammed down onto the log, bounced once, then landed face-down, sprawled out on the log like a cartoon character. He was facing the wrong direction, or so he thought, watching the second tree trunk rolling toward him, not too far away. The log he was lying on continued rolling, carried him over and down toward the ground���

Harry dug his fingers and toes into the deep bark and scrambled up. His voice was hoarse and cracked twice as he shouted. ���Rabbit Jump!���

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

He was flung off the trunk and did an accidental cartwheel in the air. In the back of his mind, he wondered how in the heck his fedora was staying on his head.

���Rating: wholly unsatisfactory. Are you doing this with your eyes closed? Did you intend to jump into the second log? Tip: Try aiming, dummy.���

Harry opened his eyes. The second log loomed closer as he fell toward it. ���Rabbit Jump!���

���You fail to activate Rabbit Jump.���

He jerked his legs, but he was still in the air. He had nothing to push off from and continued to fall. Fast.

���Rating: I don���t know; there isn���t a worse rating than wholly unsatisfactory. If there were one, I���d gladly give it to you right now. Tip: Have something under your feet when you try to jump.���

Harry banged down onto the second trunk. He wasted no time scrambling up and vaulting off���to the side this time, out of the logs��� path. ���Rabbit Jump!���

His throat burned from all the shouting, and his voice was struggling.

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

Harry arced through the air, arms pinwheeling and legs bicycling.

���Rating: underwhelming. But hey, you���re improving! Tip: Maybe you can only improve under threat of death. I���ll remember that��� because I���m only here to help you.���

The ground rushed up to meet him. The impact rattled his teeth, and he tumbled head-over-heels into a thick bush. Freeing himself from the stiff branches was a struggle. The logs were rolling away, but they were already beginning to curve back around toward him.

Harry broke out of the bushes and looked around wildly. A flash of yellow peeked out from the trees.

His tie! The ladder!

Harry bolted through the jungle. The ladder looked exactly as he���d left it. He snatched his tie from the rung and mounted the ladder. He slid down, tearing the skin of his hands and earning himself a dozen splinters. At the bottom, he turned and ran, deeper into the passage. He passed a torch. Then another. And another. Nearing the fourth torch, he could run no further. In the darkness, between two circles of firelight, he collapsed against the wall, just listening. But other than the pounding of his heart and his blood rushing in his ears, he heard nothing. No sounds of murderous homing-signal tree trunks or of his giant opponent in pursuit.

Harry slid to the floor, hugged his knees to his chest, and prayed.

���I didn���t know that you were religious, Harry.���

���I am today,��� he whispered.

*****

It was silent. Nothing moved in the underground passage, save for Harry breathing quietly. In the corner of his vision, the timer continued counting down in a happy yellow color.

3:18:42��� 41��� 40���

Slowly, Harry stood. The cuts and bruises across his body screamed at him. He leaned against the wall.

���Statue,��� he started, but his voice cracked and his throat ached. He cleared his throat, swallowed, and tried again. ���Statue, who was that?���

���That was your opponent, the other challenger.���

The statue spoke inside his head slowly. Patiently. As if it thought that Harry had added a concussion to his list of injuries. His head hurt pretty bad, so he couldn���t rule it out.

���I know that. I meant, I thought we���re supposed to be focused on finding the treasures.���

���You want opposing things, Harry. It���s natural for your opponent to want to stop you to make their challenge easier. Additionally, if you���re incapacitated, your opponent can take advantage and steal any treasures you���ve accumulated.���

���Incapacitated!?��� Harry struggled to keep his voice down. He didn���t want to yell, but it was hard to keep all his fear and rage inside. It swirled together in his chest and stomach, hot and sour, fire and poison. ���Really? I���m pretty sure they were trying to kill me.���

���You are not without defense. You have a valuable treasure with a useful ability. If you find more treasures that grant abilities, your opponent will have a difficult time incapacitating you. Remember, you are to bring me ten treasures, the sacred tokens. Your opponent is supposed to destroy treasures.���

Harry was silent for a moment, thinking.

���Theoretically, I should have an advantage, because I gain abilities by fulfilling my goal. My opponent is supposed to destroy the items that give abilities. Obviously, they decided not to do that, because they can hurl entire tree trunks at me. I guess they decided to save at least one treasure to use for fighting me.���

Harry scrubbed his face with his hands. The timer in the corner continued ticking down, uncaring of Harry���s little crisis.

3:12:31��� 30��� 29���

���I���m terrible with this ability. Maybe I could have jumped clear of those rolling logs, but then what? My opponent looked enormous. Seriously, who is that guy? Where did you find him?���

���He is your opponent.���

A totally unhelpful answer, but Harry knew the statue wouldn���t say more. His opponent was some kind of jacked giant who didn���t skip leg day, arm day, core day, or psycho day. Harry couldn���t fight them. It would be suicide.

He pushed off from the wall. ���If there are other treasures down here, then I���ll just stay down here and find those.���

The statue said nothing. Harry thought that was suspicious, but he didn���t push for more. He brushed the dirt off his body, wincing when he hit one of his splinters. Then he started walking.

The passage twisted and curved, and he started to lose his sense of direction. He passed two more ladders and more holes in the dirt ceiling, similar to the one he���d originally fallen through. The tunnel then made a sharp turn left and ended abruptly at another brick wall. Harry stopped in his tracks.

On the wall was a simplistic drawing of the statue in black. It reminded Harry of ancient cave art drawn in charcoal. The statue was missing its wedding cake���like base, but the rest was familiar: the statue���s serene expression. Lips in a straight line. Eyes half closed. The elaborate hat. It was fairly well done. But someone had scrawled a message across the statue���s image in what looked suspiciously like dried blood.

The message read: ���THE STATUE LIES.���

Harry wasn���t sure which hurt more, his head or his pride. Indignant, he scrambled to his feet and shook off another cloud of dirt.

���Statue,��� he ground out. ���Explain yourself.���

���That was your performance assessment. I am helping you measure your current skill with the magical ability. Don't you want to know how well you're doing?���

���Not if you're going to say it like that. Haven���t you ever heard of the ���sandwich��� method? You say something nice, then a critique, then something nice. Like a sandwich. That���s what I do with my students. You know, to nurture.��� He paused. ���And if you can���t say anything nice, don���t say anything at all.���

���I am required to give you feedback on your performance so you can improve.���

Harry rubbed his aching head and shrugged. ���Is that important?���

���If you do not improve with these abilities, it is unlikely that you���ll succeed.���

���Figures,��� he grumbled.

The timer in the bottom corner of his vision said that only twenty minutes had passed. He probably had a few minutes to practice. He didn���t want a repeat of his first attempt. Maybe that mishap had been due to poor aim. He took a few running steps and leaned forward slightly���

���Rabbit jump!���

The airplane seatbelt ���ding dong��� sound rang in his ears.

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

Harry launched up and forward. His body felt lighter. But he quickly tilted sideways, careening through the air, and hit the wall face-first. He slid down like a cartoon character and landed on his butt with a heavy ���oof.���

The statue���s judging voice returned. This time, it sounded like it was trying not to laugh.

���Rating: impressive��� in the sense that you set the bar on the ground and somehow managed to slide under it. Tip: Pay more attention to your arms and legs. Do you realize you���re dog-paddling in the air? Try a breast stroke instead. Actual rating: pitiful.���

Harry rolled over and stared angrily at the ceiling. ���That is not a critique sandwich!��� he shouted.

���But my tip was good, right?���

���Your tip was a big improvement, but your overall delivery needs attention. Thank you for trying to help me. See? That���s how you give a critique sandwich!���

The statue said nothing.

Harry stood up again. Each jump���and subsequent wipeout���only took a few minutes. Yelling at the statue was half of that. He could afford to try it one more time, if it was important to rescue everyone.

He ran a half-dozen steps. This time, he didn���t push off as forcefully.

���Rabbit jump!���

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

He felt himself being thrust forward as if he���d been launched from a cannon. His feet left the ground. As he sailed higher, he noticed another hole in the ceiling, like the one he���d fallen through. Was he going to hit it? Panic shot through him, and he spasmed, flailing with both legs while trying to protect his head with his arms.

His arms and head accidentally caught the inside of the hole. His knees came up from under him and slammed into the ceiling. His body immediately felt heavy again.

Apparently, the ability is canceled if I hit something, he thought, just before he landed in a heap.

���Rating: wholly unsatisfactory. You leap with the grace of a broken marionette controlled by the world's most inept puppeteer. Tip: Keep your arms and legs with the rest of your body until the ride has come to a full stop.���

Harry stood up. His knees wobbled a bit, and he leaned against the wall, panting. ���Was that at least better than my first jump?���

���It was more entertaining. In fact, in thousands of years, I have never seen anything like your Rabbit Jumps.���

���Great," Harry said. ���So I suck at this, and everyone is going to die because of me.���

���You have to practice, Harry. Otherwise, your opponent will surely become stronger than you.���

That sounded ominous. Harry wouldn���t have to meet his opponent, would he? It was a big enough space that they could avoid each other, right?

Maybe he should practice one more jump, just in case. He thought about how to jump. Maybe without running this time. He started walking forward, concentrating on putting less force into his steps. The ceiling was pretty low, and he���s quite tall. If he were outside, jumping would be easier, right? Everything would probably be easier. But down here, maybe he should duck or curl into a ball���

A small yellow circle started flashing in his vision.

Harry stopped walking. He focused on the circle. This time, it was above him. He looked up and slowly spun until the blinking circle was in the center of his vision. It was just above him.

���Hey, Statue,��� Harry said. ���I think there���s a treasure above me. How do I get above ground? Please tell me I don���t have to dig.���

���There are ways out of the underground passage, Harry. You just have to find them.���

Harry knew he needed to find it before his opponent did. Maybe this new treasure had a better ability than the stupid Rabbit Jump. He started jogging through the passage, looking for a way out.

He passed two more torches before seeing another hole in the ceiling and a wooden ladder leading up to it. The passage continued past the ladder into more pockets of torchlight and darkness, but Harry ignored that. He was excited to see daylight above, dim and shadowed though it was.

He approached the ladder. It felt sturdy enough to carry his weight. Thin green vines wove around the rungs, but they seemed decorative in nature. Harry assumed the ladder was held together with the same magic that gave him the stupid Rabbit Jump ability. As he scurried up it, the fresh, warm air of the jungle returned, along with the humidity that had Harry���s clothes clinging to his skin. Exotic bird calls and the clicking of insects surrounded him. He poked his head up above ground and took a deep breath. Other than the rustling of something unidentifiable in a nearby bush, the area seemed clear. He clambered up and onto the ground.

The blinking yellow circle was much smaller than he���d expected. When he was just below, standing at the base of the ladder, the coin had been twice the size. What had happened?

���Statue.��� He was starting to hate his own stupid questions. ���Why is the treasure farther away now? Do you think an animal took off with it?���

���The animals ignore the treasures. Time and distance are distorted in the underground passage. You will cover ground more quickly down below.���

���How is that possible?��� Harry murmured.

���Magic, Harry.���

Right.

Harry took a few steps, then glanced back at the ladder. It only poked up a foot above the ground and blended in with the general scenery. Harry didn���t think he���d want to descend back into the underground, but what if he needed to? He���d need to find this ladder. He patted himself down. His tie was mustard yellow with tiny hamburgers embroidered all over it. It would have to do. He removed it and looped it around the top rung of the ladder.

Harry started picking his way through the jungle, trying to avoid spiders. He really didn���t want to walk into a spider web. He didn���t want to know what a magical spider looked like in this place.

���How big are the ticks here, do you think?��� he asked.

The statue didn���t answer. Harry was actually glad for it.

He found a narrow trail that cut through the trees and brush, and he started to jog. The flashing circle grew bigger and bigger.

Suddenly, it disappeared.

���Hey! What���s going on? The icon just disappeared. What does that even mean?���

The statue didn���t answer. Harry picked up the pace, running now. He dodged around a massive tree trunk. Everything was shadowed under the canopy of trees. Up ahead, the sunlight streamed down into a small clearing created by a fallen tree. Standing on the downed trunk was a man. Harry skidded to a stop and squinted at the figure. He couldn���t quite make out the man���s details, only the dark silhouette created by the bright sun behind him. He was muscular and appeared larger than life as he stood upon the trunk with his feet spread and one fist on his hip in a classic superhero pose. Or villain pose. Harry wasn���t sure.

���The opponent,��� Harry whispered. Fear slithered through him.

The man shifted slightly. Harry could tell the man had spotted him.

���Hey, who are you?��� Harry shouted.

The man stood frozen for a moment, like a statue. Then, in one swift movement, he reached behind his head and then pushed forward, as if he were throwing a shot put. But instead of a metal sphere, he launched a massive tree trunk. No foliage, just trunk. In the strange light, it looked about six feet long and five feet thick. It came barreling toward him like an arrow on steroids. It slammed onto the ground with a deafening boom and an impact that rumbled the ground like an earthquake.

And it was rolling fast, bulldozing the earth straight toward Harry. He was so shocked that he couldn���t move his legs.

���Holy crap,��� Harry shouted. ���Holy crap!���

The opponent reached back again. A second trunk sailed over his body and hurtled toward Harry.

Harry turned and ran.

Harry dropped like a brick, his arms and legs flailing uselessly, trying to slow his descent, but only knocking loose dirt and stones from the sides of the pit. He'd seen this in movies before, where the action hero finds purchase and stops their descent, but all Harry managed to do was cut his hands. The warm light above grew smaller. The alarmed shouts of his armed and capable companions were silenced. He tried to shout and got a mouthful of cold earth.

Wham! He slammed against the tunnel wall as it curved, and he kept on sliding down at an angle. The light from above disappeared, and a tiny new light appeared in the distance, getting larger fast.

Harry spread his legs wide and tried digging his heels into the dirt to slow himself down, but he was wearing loafers with no grip. Also, he wasn���t that athletic. His legs kept giving out, and he was pelting himself in the face with more dirt. The light was getting bigger and bigger.

Before he reached it, the ground opened beneath him again, as if it had a mind of its own, and Harry dropped straight down, landing hard on packed earth.

He lay still for a moment with his eyes closed while the remaining dirt and pebbles fell onto him. Nothing seemed broken, and he could still feel his arms and legs. Ten fingers. Ten toes. Countless scrapes and bruises. A heavy coating of dirt had gotten under his clothes and itched like crazy. He sat up and tried brushing the dirt from his face before opening his eyes.

He was in a wide tunnel made of packed dirt. The air was hot and dry, and it had a funky scent, like laundry that sat in the washer too long. The ground was unnaturally flat, and the ceiling was, too. Torches were positioned along the right wall about every ten feet, leaving puddles of darkness between them. The torches continued down the tunnel, getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

Harry did a double take at the torches. In disbelief, he climbed to his feet and approached the first one. It was a standard, crude torch, a wooden stick about the length of his arm and as wide as his fist. The top was wrapped in a cloth, and a warm flame engulfed it. But the flame didn���t seem to be burning the cloth, and he felt no heat from the fire. Also, the torch wasn���t fastened to the wall���it hovered in the air, three inches out.

Harry took a step back and looked around again. He saw where he���d hit the ground, because the dirt was disturbed, and his wallet and keys had fallen out of his pockets. Behind that, at the edge of the torchlight, was a tall wall made of red brick that ended the passage. Harry stared at the brick for a moment longer. It seemed really out of place.

Well, at least he wouldn���t have to choose which direction to go, since there was only one way.

He retrieved his wallet and keys, then patted himself down to make sure he hadn���t lost anything else. He hadn���t, but he was a mess. His dress shirt was missing a couple of buttons, his best dress slacks were torn in two places, and his wristwatch had stopped working. He felt the golden ear cuff still attached. He could feel the engraving as his fingers brushed it.

���Welcome to the hunting ground, Harry.���

The statue���s voice was somehow louder in Harry���s head now. No longer whispering. Or maybe Harry was just incredibly annoyed and a smidge terrified.

���Hey, statue,��� he grumbled, tasting dirt and blood in his mouth. ���Where am I? Where is everybody?���

���These are the hunting grounds, Harry. You are a challenger, so of course you are alone.���

Harry spat a glob of slimy black-and-red goo onto the ground, then tried mashing it into the dirt with his ruined loafer. ���What happened to everyone? You got rid of them?���

���They are not part of the challenge. They are not allowed to assist you.���

Something cold and slick ran through Harry���s body. His stomach churned. ���You killed them?���

���No, Harry. Your friends are looking for you at the entrance and are currently walking in circles. They keep ending up back at the portal and will leave eventually. They are not allowed to interfere.���

���So, you pulled me underground?��� His hands flexed and clenched, digging his filthy, torn nails into the palms of his hands. ���Where am I?���

���This is an underground passage, but it is still part of the hunting grounds.���

The statue was starting to sound extra calm, the same way Harry did when he was getting annoyed with his students��� questions and had to remain patient and professional. Somehow, it just triggered him. He hated feeling helpless.

���But I need assistance. I can���t do this by myself.��� He heard the desperation at the edge of his voice. He felt the panic clawing at him, ready to devour. ���I already said I���m not very athletic. If I���m to succeed and save everyone, I need help!���

���Assistance is granted to both challengers. You will find treasures here, and some of them grant unique abilities that will help you complete the challenge and even gain advantages over your opponent.���

���Abilities?��� Harry paused. His gaze flicked to the heatless torch hovering in front of the tunnel wall. ���How? Like magic?���

���Yes, Harry. So, I am not holding you back by separating you from your friends.���

A small yellow flash off to the right caught his attention. He turned toward it and found that it kept moving as he did. Finally, he realized that it was somehow stuck in his vision, in the bottom-right corner.

A timer. It read: 3:59:59. A timer? The seconds kept counting down. 58��� 57��� 56���

The statue���s voice turned strangely formal and echoed a little. Was someone else speaking along with the arbiter and their voices were melding together? The mental noise bounced around inside Harry���s skull.

���The challenge has officially begun. You have until the timer runs out to find ten treasures, the sacred tokens.���

Anger and frustration surged through Harry again. ���Four hours to find ten items in an enormous jungle while I���m stuck inside an underground passage? How do you expect me to do that?���

The statue���s voice lost the echo and returned to a patient whisper.

���Entrances and exits exist in the underground passage. You have to find them. The ear cuff you���re wearing will also help you sense when items are near. However, your opponent has the same ability. Remember that their challenge is to destroy the treasures. If they destroy treasures before you find them, you will have no magical abilities and will likely fail.��� The statue paused, apparently wanting to let that sink in. ���So, start running, Harry.���

���I am really not dressed for this,��� Harry mumbled, but he started walking.

After five minutes, he spotted two more suspicious holes in the ceiling, like the one he���d fallen though, but one of them kept sealing up and then opening again, like a giant mouth. Harry ran past that one.

Then he sensed something. His chest felt warm and tight, and his hands started to tingle. He took two more steps, and a small yellow circle started to flash in his vision, like a small coin. The flashing coin was near the ground.

���What is that?��� Harry asked aloud. ���The dot���is that danger? Am I about to be eaten by a giant underground slug?���

���You detect a treasure, Harry.���

���Holy crap, finally.��� He started to run. Slowly, the gold coin in his vision grew larger. ���What���s the range on this thing? How far away is the treasure?���

The statue didn���t answer. His feet already hurt. It was probably the shoes, and that he usually shunned exercise. If he got out of here alive, he���d take up running. Or at least some brisk walking.

He passed three torches. Four. The blinking got faster. The coin grew larger.

���Why is it blinking faster? Does that mean I���m getting closer?���

The statue still didn���t answer. Maybe Harry was asking stupid questions that challengers had to figure out on their own. That must mean that the answer was probably yes.

The tunnel curved to the left. As he followed it around, Harry���s energy was flagging, and his lungs were burning.

Then he saw it. The so-called treasure simply sat in the dirt at the edge of a torch���s light. It was a dark brown fedora with a darker brown band. It looked like the kind of hat Indiana Jones wore. That was the treasure? Somehow, Harry had expected something else. Gold. Diamonds. Bags of��� treasure.

Maybe this treasure-sensing thing was malfunctioning.

As he approached the hat, the yellow circle in his vision blinked madly. He figured that the only way to stop it was to pick up the hat. He picked it up, gingerly. The strobing continued. Annoying. It superimposed itself over the hat. Carefully, he set the hat onto his head.

The blinking coin disappeared. In the upper-left corner of his vision, opposite the timer, a row of unrecognizable symbols spilled out. They flashed once, then disappeared. Words replaced them: ���Rabbit Jump.��� The words flashed once, then disappeared.

Harry took a step back. ���Rabbit jump? What does that������

He heard an ominous chime, like when a pilot turns on the fasten-your-seatbelt sign.

���You activate Rabbit Jump.���

The statue���s voice was loud and commanding. Harry���s step turned into a leap, similar to an astronaut on the moon, unbound by Earth���s gravity, but unlike an astronaut in that Harry had no grace, hadn���t aimed, and wasn���t expecting it. He shot straight up into the air like a rocket, slammed his head on the dirt ceiling, and ricocheted off. He slammed into the ground in a painful heap. The arbiter���s voice blared inside his head, altogether too formally, as if he were being served a legal notice.

���Rating: wholly unsatisfactory. You look as if you���ve just discovered your own limbs and don���t know how to use them. Tip: Try doing the opposite of whatever that was.���

Harry rolled over and forced himself to sit up. His head swam, and his body screamed.

���Excuse me?���

Harry stared at the statue for a moment, then down at the golden ear cuff in his hand. Then back at the statue. His first reaction was to say this isn���t happening! This isn���t possible! His second reaction was that it was another one of David Ibis���s stupid pranks.

But it couldn���t be a prank. It was too elaborate. Not even Ibis would dare a stunt like this in a museum, with the kids present. Although, he did make Harry poke the statue���

���Are you a challenger? State your name.���

The voice sounded impatient now. He heard it in his ears, but it also resonated around his head a little and lingered in his mind.

���Who���s talking?��� Harry demanded aloud. He looked around the room. ���Ibis, this had better not be another one of your stupid pranks. Someone could get hurt!���

���I am the arbiter. Are you a challenger? State your name.���

As the voice spoke, Harry noticed the statue���s eyes flaring with every word. His brain stuttered.

Harry wasn���t a stupid person. And he was practical. Therefore, a part of his brain told him that there was absolutely no way a statue was speaking to him, because curses aren���t real, and inanimate objects don���t talk. Another part had decided that an ancient Mayan statue had suddenly come to life and was whispering in his ear like a pervert, and that it was David Ibis���s fault.

The fire alarm blared. Startled, Harry jerked and whirled around. Lights above the doors started to flash and click. Two potbellied security guards and one thin, tall one came running into the room. They saw the dome and the kids and parents trapped inside and skidded to a halt. A few seconds later, a frail woman in a brown cardigan and thick glasses came in behind them. Her gray hair was twisted into a large bun atop her head, and her dogged run was knocking it askew. She was holding a thick leatherbound book against her body in a bear hug.

���It���s true!��� she shouted. She looked as if she���d wanted to pump her fist in the air, but she would have dropped her book. ���The legend is true, and the curse is real!���

Harry felt something in his head pop. He faced the statue. He had the strange feeling that its demonic eyes could see straight into its soul.

���Evil statue, can you hear me?���

���Yes. As long as you hold the golden cuff, we can communicate. Are you the challenger? State your name.���

���My name is Harry, and I don't think anyone wants to challenge you. Can you please let these kids go?"

���If you succeed in the challenge, they will be free. Are you a challenger?���

Harry really didn���t like the sound of that. ���Maybe. What���s the challenge?���

���In the hunting grounds, there are hidden treasures. Another challenger is trying to destroy the treasures. You must rescue the treasures. Bring me no less than ten treasures, the sacred tokens, within the time given. If you fail, the children will die. Will you be my challenger?���

Harry stared into those mesmerizing, glowing red eyes. ���Uh, no, thank you. That sounds like athletics and sports and competitive stuff. But I know just the guy to do it. David Ibis. He���s������

Harry looked around. Wait, where in the hell was Ibis? He���d been right there a minute ago. Harry scanned the faces inside the dome. No Ibis. Had he run out of the room when the statue broke and dropped this weird ear cuff, leaving Harry to face the consequences? Figures.

���Okay, listen,��� Harry said, ���I���m going to find my coworker. He���s really good at this stuff and can free the kids in minutes. Hang on, I'll go get him."

He reached over to place the ear cuff on the glass table next to him.

���Wait! If you drop the ear cuff, you will forg������

But Harry had already set down the ear cuff. He stepped back and blinked.

What had he just been doing? He couldn���t remember the last few minutes. Had he blacked out? It was probably stress. The last thing he remembered was arguing with Ibis, who���d broken the statue. Something had fallen out of it���

���Sir, are you okay?���

Harry turned around. The security guards were addressing him, looking at him funny. He felt disoriented, but he knew he needed to do something important.

���Sorry,��� he heard himself say, ���I���m one of the teachers at Silverton High School, and I������ His mind felt muddled. ���I need to make a quick headcount to make sure no one is missing.���

���Okay. The police and fire department are on the way. When you���re done with the count, please at least wait in the hall, away from������ The guard frowned and waved a hand at the energy dome. ���...whatever the hell that is.���

���Sure.���

Harry glanced around. A small gold reflection caught the corner of his eye. Oh! The thing that had fallen out of the statue. He snatched it up. A voice whispered into his mind. Fast. Impatient. As if they were in a race.

���Treasures are hidden within the hunting grounds. Another challenger is trying to destroy the treasures. To save the children and your friends, bring me ten treasures, the sacred tokens. Will you be the challenger?���

Harry���s head snapped up, and he stared into the dome. The statue���s red eyes glowed like a demon���s. Harry felt it inspecting his soul.

���Holy crap. What? Are you the statue?���

���Just say yes.���

���This is crazy. The curse is totally real. I have to tell somebody and get help.���

���Be the challenger, okay?���

���Hell no. You need my coworker for this. He���s an asshole, but he���s really good at this kind of thing. Let me find him first������

���WAIT!���

Harry set down the ear cuff.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER���

A golden light caught Harry���s attention, kind of��� calling to him. He picked it up. A voice yelled into his mind, sounding so close that it was almost on top of him.

���Harry! Do as I say, or everyone will die.���

A jolt of cold panic shot up Harry���s spine. He turned around and met the glowing red eyes of the ancient Mayan statue. He had the distinct feeling that it was speaking to him.

���Uh, evil statue?��� he asked.

���Yes, Harry?���

���Okay,��� Harry said. ���But how do you know my name?���

*****

Thirty minutes later, Harry had been cinched into a tactical vest and surrounded by the police, the fire department, ambulances, and the FBI. Helicopters were flying overhead, canvassing the area, and a K-9 unit was standing by. Three unmarked vans pulled up and vomited out a dozen U.S. Marshals. Everyone was armed to the teeth and carrying a wide array of electronic search devices. With the exception of the helicopters, they were all coming with him.

Harry felt very grateful. He really didn���t want to do this alone.

���You remember what to do, Harry?���

Harry turned to address Special Agent in Charge Gen Vasquez. She was a thick woman with hard, dark eyes and a slim scar on her nose.

���Yeah, sorry. I���m just nervous. This is so������ Unreal? Unbelievable? Insane? Dangerous? Harry wasn���t sure which adjective to choose.

The agent nodded. ���You���re in good hands, Harry. Just keep that ear cuff snapped on securely������ She pointed to the golden cuff that Harry had finally pinched onto the cartilage of his ear. ������and let us know if the statue says anything. We���re going to find those pieces in no time and set everyone free.���

The group surrounded Harry like a protective shield as they walked back inside the museum, down the halls, and into the Mayan exhibit. The statue���s eyes were glowing red���and apparently everyone could see it, not just Harry.

On the opposite side of the room, there was a bright white glow around the women���s bathroom door. The door was wide open, and on the other side was a verdant jungle with dense vegetation and thick tree trunks. It was dim, but sunlight dotted the ground. Exotic birdcalls filled the air. A narrow trail led through the bathroom door into the gloom. Suddenly, Harry did not want to go through that doorway. But he knew he had to, to save everyone.

���Let���s go!��� the Special Agent called out, and she nudged Harry forward.

Together, the group charged through the portal and into the jungle. Not even three feet inside, a pit opened beneath Harry���s feet. He fell straight down into darkness.

Hiya gang! Lately, I���ve been wanting to write more bonus content for you all. If you���ve followed me for a long time, you know that web serials have always had a place in my heart. In fact, that���s pretty much how I launched the first Kari Hunter book with such success. At the time, I���d been writing short serials here on my blog���a weekly ���vote your adventure��� story where the readers voted on what happened next. I developed a teeny cult following and made a lot of friends, and when I finally published The Fourth Channel, a lot of people went out and bought it. But it���s not only that. I read a lot of web serials, too. They���re a rad format.

So, when I started more serious planning around the bonus content that I���d like to write over the next year, I decided that I wanted one to be a web serial. And I wanted it to lean toward pop culture or video games. And as soon as I thought ���video games,��� I immediately knew what the story would be.

Who remembers the old game Pitfall!? It was a huge favorite of mine. Pitfall Harry running through a jungle filled with dangers and underground passages and treasure! Swinging on vines! Jumping onto alligator heads to get across swamps! What���s not to love?

Welcome to my new serial, a Pitfall! fan fiction: Harry Hollowdrop���s Unwanted Adventure.

#modern fantasy | #mystery | #adventure | #thriller | #comedy | #gamelit | #fan fiction

History teacher Harry Hollowdrop just wants this student field trip to be peaceful. No shenanigans. No accidents. And definitely no pranks from his despised coworker and fellow history teacher.

But when a long-overdue confrontation with his coworker awakens an ancient Mayan statue���and a malicious curse���the students become hostages in a deadly game.

Harry must enter the hunting grounds. Alone. In his loafers and his best dress pants.

The statue wants ten sacred treasures found and returned. Many of the treasures grant magical abilities that will help Harry survive. If he can figure out how to be less clumsy and awkward, they might actually help.

Unfortunately, Harry is not alone in the hunting grounds.

Another challenger is trying to destroy the treasures before Harry can liberate them, and they clearly want Harry dead. If Harry can���t defeat his opponent and end the curse before time runs out, he and his students will become history.

Harry Hollowdrop���s Unwanted Adventure will be out on my blog every Sunday afternoon PT.

They���d been at the Portland Art Museum for almost an hour, and the students were getting restless. History teacher Harry Hollowdrop estimated that they were ten oil paintings and four amorphous blob-like sculptures away from anarchy. He���d already caught Ella Brandt and Josh Bierman making out behind an incredible collection of historic Native American robes, and he���d stopped Keller Wall just before he wiped a massive booger on a Monet. Still, Harry thought that it was the best senior trip he���d ever been forced to chaperone.

The senior class field trip was an annual tradition at Silverton High School. Usually, it was a full day of chaotic activities like go-karting, laser tag, arcade games, and mini golf. Harry always found them exhausting. He preferred more subdued activities like going to musicals and old libraries, and he suggested them every year, but he was always outmaneuvered by his nemesis, fellow history teacher David Ibis.

Harry hated David Ibis. Together, they���d made up the entirety of the high-school history department for the past seven years, and Harry thought each year had been worse than the last. He was tired of Ibis���s classroom pranks. Last year, it was his desk and chair wrapped in layers of aluminum foil. The year prior, he���d found googly eyes plastered to his poster of American presidents. He was still finding glitter that had been dumped into his desk drawers the year before that. And he was still furious about his stapler, tape dispenser, and hole punch having been encased in cherry Jello���on the day the air conditioning broke, causing the Jello to melt into every crevice.

And Harry was positive that Ibis was responsible for the cookies that had been consistently disappearing from his lunch bag.

Ibis wasn���t even a very good teacher. In fact, it just seemed to be the side gig that allowed him to coach the school���s varsity football and soccer teams, which he obviously preferred.

Harry decided that it was probably the cookie-thieving that had put him over the edge, deciding to fight fire with fire. Ibis had begun lobbying the kids and school administration for a trip to an indoor waterpark. But Harry had heard about a unique Mayan art exhibit coming to the Portland Art Museum, and he really wanted to see it. Ibis said it sounded lame. That just made Harry even more determined.

He launched a simple yet devious plan to interest the students in the Mayan exhibit. Mayan civilization wasn���t part of the curriculum, but Harry snuck it in casually during classes: the legend of a civilization that disappeared overnight, and a cursed statue!

Seriously, what���s not to like about that?

Okay, not all the kids were riveted by the mystery, but Harry���d gotten a small group interested enough. And for the pi��ce de r��sistance: school tours are free at the museum. If there���s anything the school administration can���t resist, it���s free stuff.

Harry could tell that Ibis was annoyed when the final decision was made, but he didn���t care. Besides, a museum visit only takes a couple of hours. Right after lunch, they���d go mini golfing and go-karting.

Harry could see David Ibis near the front of the group, a short Greek god with dimples, flirting with Samantha Diaz���s hot mom, who had volunteered to chaperone the field trip. Harry had watched Ibis strike out with Hot Mom for three years. Samatha was her youngest child, and she was graduating in two months; Ibis was probably making a last-ditch attempt to convince Hot Mom to date him. It was possible that Ibis was actually succeeding, because they both kept glancing back at Harry, and Hot Mom giggled every time they did. Ibis was probably mocking him just to make her laugh.

Whatever. He didn���t care. He���d finally won the field trip���the first half of it, anyway���and they were about to see the Mayan exhibit. He could see it clearly through the wide-open doors ahead. Then again, he was six foot five, all gangly arms and legs. He could see anything from anywhere.

���Hey,��� Harry said to the kids walking around him, ���are you guys ready to finally see the Mayan exhibit?���

���I just want to see the statue you told us about, Mr. H.���

���Hey, Mr. H! Do you think it���s true, about the curse?���

Harry laughed. ���Curses aren���t real.���

The kids laughed. The last of the students and Harry filed into a massive room stuffed with ancient Mayan art. Paintings and tapestries covered the walls. Rows of glass display cases sat on one side of the room, filled with artifacts from a civilization long gone. Stone and clay statues stood on tables and pedestals, all surrounded by red velvet ropes and signs with bold letters that screamed ���DO NOT TOUCH.���

A museum staffer was standing at the front of the room, holding up her hands to get everyone���s attention. The students, teachers, and parent chaperones gathered around.

���Welcome to this very special exhibit of ancient Mayan discoveries. These specific artifacts come from an ancient city whose people all mysteriously disappeared overnight, leaving their belongings behind. It���s a mystery that has confounded historians for decades. We may never know what happened.���

She waved her hand grandly at a statue that towered over the room. Harry had to hold in his excited gasp.

���This statue is often considered to be at the center of the mystery. Archeologists believe that the statue was a gift from an enemy city, either as an olive branch or a Trojan horse. It���s believed to be the totem of a god that settles disputes. When there���s a disagreement, or if someone has been wronged, the two parties come before the statue, which decides the outcome. Apparently it wasn���t favorable for the city where the statue was found.��� She laughed.

The woman kept talking and began pointing out other artifacts of note in the room, but Harry was only half listening. He circled around the back of the group and approached the statue. It was a man squatting on a stepped circular base reminiscent of a wedding cake. The statue���s expression was placid, and its eyes were half closed. It was wearing a tall, elaborate hat. The statue originally held something in its hands, but whatever it had been had crumbled away from time and the elements. Harry had seen the statue���s photo online, so he knew that the statue had a second face on the opposite side. The second face was angry, and its eyes were wide. Harry would circle around to see it in a minute. He was so engrossed that he hadn���t noticed David Ibis sneaking up behind him.

���Having fun?���

���Yes,��� Harry whispered. Now please go away.

���I don���t see how,��� Ibis said.

���It���s a museum. Of history.��� Harry raised both eyebrows. ���You teach history. It should be interesting to you.���

���It���s boring, and the kids hate it, too.���

Harry waved a hand around the room. ���You mean these kids raising their hands and asking questions?���

Ibis rolled his eyes.

���Just admit it,��� Harry whispered, ���this is actually pretty cool. And we���re only here for another forty-five minutes. We���re going to do your stupid jock things after this, so you and the kids can have fun while I do all the actual work. You know, like usual.���

Ibis���s head snapped back, his brown eyes widening. ���Is that what you think?���

Harry suddenly felt brave. Maybe it was the elation of having finally won the field-trip destination. He glanced around, making sure that the students and parents weren���t standing close enough to hear.

���As a matter of fact, yes, I do. I always have to come up with the joint curriculum for our classes, but then you always fight me on it, just to mess with me. I���m tired of the classroom pranks. I���m tired of you caring more about the sports you coach than the history we teach. I���m tired of your stupid pickup truck that���s as big as a school bus.���

Ibis���s face flushed crimson. ���I knew it was you who���d ���anonymously��� complained about my truck!��� He used sarcastic finger quotes, too.

Harry couldn���t stop. He���d been keeping this inside for too long. ���That truck is so big it takes up two parking spots, but the cargo bed is so small you can���t even haul anything in it. And you���re so short, how do you even climb into that thing or see over the steering wheel? You���re going to hit a student one of these days.��� He jammed an angry finger at Ibis. ���And I know it���s you who���s been stealing the cookies from my lunch.���

���Oh really?���

Quick as a flash, Ibis grabbed Harry���s hand. Panic shot up Harry���s spine.

���Well, this sounds like a dispute,��� Ibis said. ���We should touch this sacred statue for arbitration. You���d probably like that.���

Harry tried yanking his finger back, but Ibis���s grip was too strong. He pulled again, but he thought his finger might pop out of its socket.

���What are you doing?��� Harry hissed. ���We can���t touch the statue. Read the sign. What part of ���DO NOT TOUCH��� is confusing?���

Ibis turned toward the statue and muscled Harry���s hand past the red velvet ropes. Harry struggled and flailed, but he was clumsy and weak. His strengths were trivia games and bourbon tastings, not physical contests. Their hands inched toward the statue.

���Let go, Ibis.���

���Don���t you want this ancient artifact to settle our dispute? We can be besties after this.���

���Stop������

Their fingers bumped the statue. Harry felt ice shoot down his arm.

The statue rocked. Something made a soft click. Ibis released Harry���s hand as if it were on fire, and they both jumped back. A long, narrow chunk of stone popped out from the statue, jutting out just above where Harry���s and David���s fingers had touched. Harry saw something gold and shiny rolling across the carpet toward the wall.

Ibis made a choking noise. Harry���s heart leapt into his throat. Had they broken it?

Harry turned and ran to collect what he saw. Maybe he could stuff it back into the statue and nobody would notice���

Harry found it against the wall, twinkling under the track lighting. It was a golden ear cuff with a serpent���s head engraved onto it. He pinched it between two fingers and stood���

The lights flickered���and it wasn���t just the bulbs. Despite the skylights and the cloudless day, the entire building went dark for a few seconds. The piercing staccato of electric sparks filled the air.

Harry jumped. The kids and teachers gasped and screamed. A glowing dome had appeared inside the room, engulfing the students, the parents, and the other teachers. Harry was standing just outside of it. The dome crackled and fizzed as thin streaks of lightning circled on its surface. In the center of the dome was the cursed statue of legend. Its eyes glowed red.

Harry looked down at the ear cuff in his hand. A voice whispered into his mind.

���Are you a challenger? State your name.���

It���s been ONE YEAR of Life RPG.

LifeRPG?

Life-RPG?

Yeah, THAT thing. The awesome thing that I started yammering about back in August 2025: Get in, losers, we���re going to Mordor!

I didn���t even realize how much time had passed until a few weeks ago, when I had an incredible breakthrough toward my goals! I fired off an exciting���and partially incredulous���email to my goal buddy about how suddenly, without realizing it, all the things I���ve been working on in my LifeRPG levels have come to bear. Bad habits? Gone. Good habits? Ingrained. Writing? Like the neighborhood kid on his ninth Atomic Fireball.

Honestly, I���m still pretty stunned! What���s happened to me? Life RPG, that���s what.

Thanks to my quest grind, I���m healthier and happier than I���ve ever been.

When I looked back through my progress and compared it with my enormous, long-term, ���distant mountain��� type goals, I was pretty shocked to see that I hadn���t taken tiny steps toward those goals at all.

I���d taken LEAPS.

Don���t get me wrong, it���s still going to take a lot of effort to reach those larger, longer-term goals. But when I first started this journey at level 1, the end felt so far away��� and I didn���t feel certain that I could reach it. But now, it really looks like my chance of success has shot up to about 90%. (And the only reason I didn���t put it at 100% is that I do have one particular long-term goal that���s kinda dependent on external factors that are impossible to control, so it���s probably going to involve trying a few different methods, trying and failing, until I achieve it. Which is fine, honestly.) At any rate, my enthusiasm for Life RPG has never been higher.

If you���re still on the fence about trying Life RPG (or any adjacent goal system), give me a second here to explain why this has worked so well.

I���ve created habits and Pavlovian responses that make me productive and disciplined in areas where I wasn���t. For example, I used to struggle to concentrate when I write. But then I gave myself a quest to do 20 short, timed sprints. And while I thought that I was teaching myself to just buckle down and stay productive, I realize now that what I was teaching myself was to focus my attention when a timer started. It���s Pavlovian for me, now. When the timer starts, no matter what the countdown number starts at, it���s GO TIME. And I���ve used this to great effect for other areas where I struggled, too.

Quests remove the emotion, fear, and doubt you���re feeling about the task. For example, I used to fear exercise. When I���m bad at an activity, and it isn���t my favorite thing to do, either, I���d rather just not do it. It just doesn���t sound fun to make myself uncomfortable for any amount of time, and I can think of a thousand other activities I���d rather be doing. But now, I feel motivated to cross the task off the list. The reward is crossing it off. That sounds kind of lame, but it���s true. And in case that technique fails, don���t forget that rewards await at the end of finishing each quest!

So, I have no plans to stop Life RPG anytime soon. If anything, I���m using it to start tackling some of the ���scarier��� steps to my bigger goals���items that I didn���t think I could even consider for another few years. It���s incredible just how much this has propelled me forward. Now it���s a quest on a piece of paper that I must conquer for greatness. And quest loot, which is everyone���s favorite.

I���m level 5 now. And as I achieve each level, the questions have become more difficult: Where do I want to go next? Who do I want to BE next? Because these quests are shaping those answers and turning me into the most epic [Your Class Here] so I can reach that shiny goal mountain in the distance. And, at the risk of sounding like a pushy salesman: they���ll be sure to shape you, too.

Wondering where to start? Check out the original blog post: Get in, losers, we���re going to Mordor! There���s a Quick Start at the very top of that post. Don���t skip the part where you think about your bigger ambitions! Your quests will be small steps toward those bigger things. And in case you���re wondering, yes, even after a year of Life RPG and reaching level 5, I still keep my quest count down to 6 so that I don���t get overwhelmed. Completing each quest results in leveling 1 stat��� and an awesome quest reward.

For additional tips and tricks, read the cheats: Speedrun your way to level INFINITY with these Life RPG cheats! Then come find me on Mastodon so we can nerd out together about real life questing.

Hi everyone!

I���m back with another update on my next book release, the first in the Mara Ballerini trilogy. I hope you enjoyed the excerpt I shared last month. If you missed it, you can read it right here: Sneak Peek of my Next Release.

The writing is coming along super well. By that, I mean that our edits are happening faster than ever, and the Spouseditor swears there are fewer edits than in previous books. It���s either a testament to our streamlined process or I���m becoming a more competent writer who can DO WORDS GOOD. It���s probably both, and that feels amazing. (It���s important to me to improve at all the things I love to do.) At this point, I���m ready to write the blurb and order the book cover.

Then you can see what book titles I finally landed on.

Although we���re still a few steps before the finished book, I���m preparing for the audiobook already. Audiobooks are large projects, and there���s a lot of prep work to do before I lock myself inside the recording closet. My goal is to improve upon the work I did when I narrated the Interns of Magic Engineering novelette that I gave you last year, A Menace of Magical Machinations.

Preparation for Mara book 1 is no less than what I did for the Interns audiobook. Obviously, I practice reading the book, but I also record it and listen to myself. Then I cringe. A lot. And I think to myself, Do I really sound like that? Do I sound weird?

Once I get the weirdness out of my system, I listen to the recording for what it is and take notes. Then I���ll often read it again and listen to that. (Yeah, it���s a lot of homework, but it���s worth it.)

I also check my tempo. I actually have a couple of metronome apps on my phone, and I use those to keep a slow and even pace. Reading too fast results in mistakes and tripping over my words. Reading slowly helps with accuracy and still allows the listener to choose what speed they listen at. As Navy SEALs say, slow is smooth and smooth is fast.

I���m also hoping to improve my performance with the character voices. I don���t expect to perform full accents and voices, but I���d like to get better at adding stronger, more varied ���vibes��� to the character voices. The procedure for that is the same as the above: I read dialogue from all the characters and try different tones that suit them���clipped voices, gruff voices, silky voices, higher pitch, lower pitch��� You get the idea. I record bits of dialogue and listen to it. What���s funny about this step is that while I���m testing the voices, I always think I���m going overboard, but when I listen to them, I barely hear a change! Apparently this is quite common. It���s going to take some time to find the sweet spot. I���ll get there eventually.

Once I determine a voice, the character and their ���vibe��� notes go down on a cheat sheet. One side of the sheet has the characters in order of appearance. The other side lists them in alphabetical order.

The Interns audiobook I recorded last year had a very small character list to work out. Mara Ballerini���s trilogy is longer, and the character list is longer. It���s more ambitious, if I���m being honest. I already know that my fledgling skill is going to be stretched, but in all the best ways. I���m honestly looking forward to starting the project because I find the narration ridiculously fun. Even the prep work is fun, if you can believe it.

That���s it for now. Until next time!

Jen

Happy April everyone! Spring has finally arrived in Seattle, and I missed the sun so much. Whenever the sun is out, I must sit in a sunbeam. My daily journal activities suggest that I might now be 50% cat.

In short, I���m doing well! Back in August, I talked all about a new goal system that I was calling ���Life RPG.��� I���d just started the system and was level 1, slogging through noob quests with low requirements in the hopes that small steps would lead me to accomplish great dreams. And although I gave a little update in October, I haven���t talked much about it since. You probably thought I gave up.

I did NOT!

I���m now level 4, working toward level 5. Still a noob, but a stronger, better noob. Some of my quests have remained the same, just with harder requirements (like exercise). Some of my quests have been swapped out for totally different ones, depending on what I needed to focus on at the time. But overall, I���m healthier and happier than ever, and I absolutely give credit for this to having made my goals a fun gaming system where I do quests, level up, and get rewards. A few weeks ago, I even decided to take my secret ���vision board��� and put it on my wall so I can see my ultimate goals.

To be fair, it���s not a traditional vision board, which usually use images of things. Mine is covered in different colored sticky notes, with one big ���vision��� goal on each sticky note. It looks like a small quilt. I even added a few really outrageous goals.

Shoot for the moon, land among the stars! Or, uh, land on an uninhabitable planet, all alone, and have to eat potatoes grown from your own poop-fertilizer.

Chances are good that it won���t be the second one, but stay tuned just in case.

Life RPG has even helped me with my writing goals, making me a better, faster writer. A better story plotter, too! So, if you were thinking about doing your own version of Life RPG but never quite got around to it, I highly recommend you give it another shot.

I���m also writing a ton, which you probably assumed. Last month, I gave you an update on my next book release���a spinoff trilogy in the Kari Hunter universe. The story follows Mara Ballerini, a hexed Immortal State trainee cop. She���s fresh out of the classroom and ready for her first day on the streets with her training officer.

If she can find them.

The story starts about five minutes after Mara arrives in town. She hasn���t even peeled the protective plastic off her shiny new badge before the trouble starts.

Book 1, tentatively titled The Voodoo Dungeon, is currently with the Spouseditor while I���m writing book 2, The Twice-Cursed Altar. I���m super excited about this trilogy, and I can���t wait for you to read it. Here���s an excerpt from book 1 to wet your whistle:

Mara sat sideways in the driver���s seat with her feet sticking out of the car, banging her heels together to knock off the snow and ice. Rapid footsteps thundering on the pavement drew her attention. A young-looking woman with medium-dark skin rushed down the sidewalk toward her. Her dark hair was pulled back into a tight, glossy bun like a black mushroom cloud. A purple apron flapped around her. When their eyes made contact, the woman looked shocked and quickened her pace.

She came to a skidding stop on the sidewalk between the conservator station and Mara���s front bumper. She was close enough for Mara to read a small nametag pinned onto her apron. Julie.

Mara could tell that the woman was immortal because she���d just jogged three or more blocks and her chest wasn���t heaving. Immortals don���t breathe, so that���s one of the quicker ways to tell. When Mara became immortal, she was assigned a mentor who said that she would get to know who was immortal just by looking into their eyes. After a while, Mara wouldn���t even need to get very close. If she practiced, it would become second nature.

Mara had been immortal for six months, and the only time she���d practiced was when her mentor forced her to. Mara didn���t want to make anything about her immortal body second nature.

Julie���s eyes narrowed at the plastic-covered note taped to the conservator station���s door. Then her eyes cut to the fresh new badge clipped to Mara���s belt.

���Conservator Whoever-You-Are,��� Julie said, waving her hand flippantly, ���we have a situation in our shop. You need to come right away.���

Mara was so taken aback that she didn���t react immediately.

Julie���s eyes narrowed. ���Hello? Did you hear me?���

���Yeah,��� Mara said. ���Sorry, I���m just a trainee. I got here about twenty minutes ago������

���And?��� Julie said.

���And I���m waiting for my training officer. I don���t������

���Great. While you���re waiting, you can be useful and come with me.���

Mara���s eyes narrowed. Was this woman serious? She kept her voice even and calm so she wouldn���t explode. ���Actually, I think I need to wait.���

���Are you on the clock?��� Julie asked. ���Getting paid right now?���

���Technically, yes������

���Then get your butt up and follow me. Now.���

���You don���t understand,��� Mara said, ���I���m not a full conservator. I���m a trainee. Today���s my first day out of the classroom.���

���There���s always some excuse with you, isn���t there?��� Julie said.

Mara threw her hands into the air. ���We���ve never spoken before! I���ve been here twenty minutes. Look, I haven���t even peeled the protective film off my new badge.���

Julie pointed an angry finger at Mara. ���But you���re still wearing one, which means you have to come when we call.���

���I still think you need to wait for an actual conservator to arrive. I was told that my trainer would be here in about forty minutes.���

Julie growled. ���Why are they always sending people who don���t want to do their job? Conservators are supposed to help us, but you���re all too busy trying to get out of this town as fast as possible, and the people who live here have to figure things out on our own. Do you know how that feels?���

Mara opened her mouth to retort, but nothing came out. She couldn���t help feeling embarrassed. After all, she was planning to leave as soon as she���d accomplished her goal, too.

���Okay, what���s this situation in your store?��� Mara asked.

���We caught another shoplifter. Madame Yelena���s had enough of these weird thefts and wants conservators to do something about it.���

���What���s so weird about the thefts?��� Mara asked.

Julie looked startled. Her lips pinched together for a moment in thought. Hesitation was all over her face.

���You���ll find out when you get there,��� she said.

Mara was pretty sure she couldn���t pry out the answer. Maybe the thefts weren���t actually that significant. Or were they truly strange? By the way Julie was shifting on the balls of her feet and her gaze was darting around the street, Mara had a feeling it was the latter.

Unfortunately, Mara quickly realized several problems. Her knowledge about shoplifting came from a single chapter in a textbook and a two-part classroom lecture. When arresting someone, there are forms to fill out, and she didn���t have them. The offender would probably have to be secured inside a jail cell, presumably inside the conservator station that was currently locked.

She checked the time. Her training officer was due in about forty minutes. It would probably take that long to reach the shop and find out what was going on. Hopefully her training officer would arrive then and be pleased that Mara was taking initiative.

���Fine,��� she said. ���Just know that today���s my first day. I can���t promise I���ll be helpful.���

���That���s fine,��� Julie said, folding her arms across her chest. ���I wasn���t asked to get someone helpful. I was asked to get a conservator.���

Touch��.

Mara still didn���t move. She and Julie stared at each other in silence for a moment.

���I���m trying to decide what that look on your face means,��� Julie said. ���Maybe you can���t decide whether to be intentionally unhelpful.���

Mara tossed her boots on the floor behind her seat and reached for her sneakers. ���It���s a surprise. You���ll find out when I get there.���

I hope you enjoyed the excerpt from my next book, coming��� uh��� at some point in the near-ish future! I���d guess at the general release timeframe, but the Spouseditor keeps giving me ���The Talk��� about not suggesting dates since I���m so bad at guessing them. My Seer skill is zero. So, stay tuned for release dates, cover reveals, and more!

Hello everyone!

It's been a minute since I've posted an update on my next book. I���ve given you little hints, but it���s definitely time for a full update. I'm working on a spinoff trilogy set in the Kari Hunter universe. The stories take place in the newest Immortal State tourist trap in Listowel, Ontario. If you���ve read the Kari Hunter series so far, you may recall that this is where the voodoo cult had been hiding out for a century or more. The cult is gone��� but they���ve left a lot of deadly paraphernalia behind.

When I first started thinking about this series and who our hero might be, I knew that I wanted them to be someone with a compelling mission. An interesting backstory. After posing a few questions to myself, I thought, ���What if they were trying to solve their own murder?��� I was immediately hooked. I knew I had to write their story.

The story follows Mara Ballerini, an immortal introduced briefly in Kari Hunter book 3, The Dark Door. Yes, this is the woman that Kari���s cousin and band leader, Brad Kasen, is hopelessly in love with.

Mara is determined to put all her focus into searching for her almost-killer, a mysterious immortal who used the dead cult���s magic on Mara and turned her immortal. Of course, Mara gets completely derailed only ten minutes after she parks her car in the conservator visitor���s spot. She���s pulled into a bizarre plot���someone is searching for very specific enchanted items that were left behind by the voodoo cult, and the dead bodies are piling up.

And it wouldn���t be a good comedy unless we threw Brad Kasen in there for funsies and romance. Mara was not expecting to see Brad. Brad was not expecting Mara to catch him there so soon. He���s not a stalker, honest.

On the ���unpredictable��� scale, I put Mara somewhere between Kari Hunter and Charlie Temple from the Interns series. Her problem-solving method is something nobody can predict.

As Mara might put it... Mara didn���t think she was dramatic. She considered herself ���assertive with flair.��� :D

The first book is currently going through edits, and I���m writing book two. Fingers crossed that you���ll see book one this year. We���re also planning on audiobooks for the whole trilogy.

I���ll have more updates for you soon. Stay tuned!

Until next time,

Jen

Hello, friends!

I didn���t want to end the year without writing you some fun fiction. Err, I mean, this is from STUBBY, Kari Hunter���s third sacrificial knife. It���s back by popular demand with your personalized 2026 horoscopes and predictions.

First, a short message from Stubby:

Behold. I have seen the stars! Honestly, I had to nag Kari for days until she finally took me outside, onto the back porch. It was kinda cloudy and pretty snowy, but it was hilarious to watch Kari dance around and try to stay warm. HA HA! Dance, minion! Dance!

Anyway, I saw some stars. And I, Stubby the All-Knowing, who is connected to the mystical plane of the dead and most things magical, have seen the future. YOUR FUTURE! Now, I shall reveal what the fates have in store for you this coming year. Honestly, it���s all bad news for everyone, which is delightful for me!

Please note that all my predictions are 100% accurate or your money back���guaranteed.

Wait a minute. What do you mean, nobody���s paying for my services? Honestly, Kari, I am a treasure!

ARIES

The stars tell me that you���re in for a year of introspection and growth. Anyone else would probably love that, but it���s you, and you���re weirdly outgoing and adventurous. Which means that your year is going to be a massive bummer. You will be visited by three ghosts, but not of Christmas���that trio is booked for another gig. Instead, you���ll be visited by the ghosts of your cringeworthiest moments of past, present, and future. As a bonus, they���ll spend extra time on your most embarrassing celebrity crushes and the times you tried to dress like them. Please record the evening and send it to me so we can all have a good laugh.

In 2026, your ruling house is Addams. Your element is antimony (atomic number 51). In medieval times it was used as a laxative���a reusable laxative that was passed down to family members. Eew.

TAURUS

All will go well for you in 2026, Taurus��� until you least expect it. This year, you���ll go to your favorite restaurant. The waitstaff will bring your order and say, ���Enjoy your meal.��� You will say, ���You too.��� You���ll never be able to eat there again.

In 2026, your ruling house is Conehead. Your element is bromine. Its liquid form is black with red fumes oozing from it. Looks like something you���d find in the pit of hell. Or in Cthulhu���s toilet. Same thing.

GEMINI

Due to angry gypsies, you will receive two blessings and a curse: Surrounded by a rapt audience, you will suss out every single door that is pull and every door that is push. Everyone you encounter will enjoy chatting with you so much that they won���t recognize your cues to end the conversation, and they���ll continue yammering. In the quietest places, your stomach will notify you that it���s hungry with a klaxon growl. I���m not sure which of those are blessings.

In 2026, your ruling house is Spellman. Your element is californium, atomic number 98. It is extremely rare and can start nuclear reactors. It is also extremely dangerous, requiring heavy shielding and extreme precautions. You���ll feel the same way about yourself all year long. Enjoy!

CANCER

This year, you will meet new and exciting people! When they tell you their names, you will not be listening and won���t remember them. You will meet every single person again in important settings��� and resort to calling them dude, mate, or the ultimate dreadword, pal. Ugh. Have you thought about becoming a hermit? You should.

In 2026, your ruling house is Banks. Your element, krypton, has been used for spying on other countries. Your ruling planet is Wasp-17b. It���s the largest exoplanet we���ve discovered, and, like you this year, it travels in the opposite direction of everything else.

LEO

This year, you will be haunted by a poltergeist named Larry who lived in a time without televisions. All he wants to do in the afterlife is watch politics on your TV at 2 a.m. He still has his bad hearing and tinnitus, so he���ll be listening at max volume.

In 2026, your ruling house is Munster. Your spirit color is careless whispers, which is a combination of soft orange, beige, and the George Michael song stuck in your head all year long. That sucks for yooooooou-oooh���oooooooooooou��� Oh, whoooooa��� Now hit us with that sweet sax solo!

VIRGO

It will be an average year for you, Virgos. Nothing to really get excited about, but nothing too terrible, either. But fear not, Fate has not forgotten about you. This will be your year of epic clumsiness. You���ll find yourself bumping into door frames and tripping over your own feet, and don���t forget about your extremely embarrassing fumble-fingers. In related news, you���ll take ���safe sex��� to a whole new level. That is, if anyone dares to get within 10 feet of you. Clutz.

In 2026, your ruling house is Bean. Your element is iridium, which isn���t naturally present on Earth. If it���s found here, it means it came from outer space. Not dissimilar to how your ex describes you.

LIBRA

Your ongoing rivalries will come to a head this year. Just before you���ve given up and conceded defeat, these adversarial relationships will turn into partnerships. Shortly after, you will realize that your auto-correct was on the whole time, changing your poignant yet succinct messages. That���s good ducking luck. You���ll finally turn the feature off, you think, and you���ll never feel friar. The downside: You���ll forever be introduced as the auto-correct king or queen. Your most humiliating messages will be printed and framed.

In 2026, your ruling house is Simpson. Your ruling planet is TOI-6713.01, a smoldering exoplanet that���s covered in erupting volcanoes and melting from within. Your top love match is a dictionary and a decent spell-check program.

SCORPIO

One of your ruling planets, Pluto, will be locked into Aquarius all year, and it was considering blessing you with great things, but then it remembered that it���s been downgraded from a planet and is holding this against you. Considering that Pluto is just a chunk of ice and rock that���s 4.5 million kilometers away from us, its threats will probably amount to nothing. YOU HOPE.

In 2026, your ruling house is Robinson. One of your ruling planets is holding a grudge, and Mars doesn���t want to get in the middle of it, so you���re kind of on your own this year. Your top love match is a telescope. You can never be too sure.

SAGITTARIUS

It���s time to get your life together, Sagittarius, because everyone���s starting to notice. How can they not, with your bizarre scent? Get organized, clean up your house, spruce up your wardrobe, and make a plan for your life. Still, through the entire year, you will have that nagging feeling that you���re forgetting something important. The feeling will follow you everywhere.

In 2026, your ruling house is that cool, butt-kicking royal family of Wakanda. Your element is osmium, the densest of all elements. Your ruling planet is TrES-4b. Its density is the same as cork, and it���s considered a ���puffy planet.��� Like your mom.

Note: I���ve just been informed that, for the crime of a bad ���your mom��� joke, I���ve been sentenced to one week in the ugly underwear drawer of shame. But you know what? Worth it.

CAPRICORN

In 2026, you���ll focus more on your home life and get back to your roots. You���ll want to surround yourself with comfort and spend time with loved ones. You���ll also show interest in new hobbies and things that bring ultimate fulfillment. Before deciding which hobby is for you, you���ll try a wide variety of things, like skydiving, sports, knitting, and vengeance. I know which one I���m rooting for.

In 2026, your ruling house is Knievel. Your ruling planet is TrES-2b, known as the planet of eternal night, reflecting only 1% of the light that hits it. Just like your soul.

AQUARIUS

This is the year for you to develop your ultimate family life. You���ll spend a lot of time fantasizing about what that means. Hot tip: I���ve heard that you can rent a different family if you don���t like the one you���ve got. If that doesn���t work, you���ll need to create better boundaries. I recommend a moat. Practical and stylish.

In 2026, your ruling house is Winchester. Your element is francium (87). It is so radioactive that it evaporates itself, so we don���t really know what it looks like. It���s also killed everyone who has discovered it.

PISCES

A long term commitment is coming your way, Pisces. I will not provide further details on that. I���ll just leave the overwhelming fear and dread for you commitment-phobes to enjoy. Happy 2026.

In 2026, your ruling house is Connor. Your top love matches are staying indoors with rocky road ice cream and Star Trek reruns.

I hope you enjoyed Stubby���s 2026 predictions. Have a very happy New Year!

Want more? Check out Stubby���s 2024 horoscopes.