Unyime-Ivy King's Blog

My love,





It's been nearly 11years of  this exciting marital adventure, and 16years of a vibrant and dynamic relationship; one in which we have shared ups and downs, valley and mountain top experiences, loads of fun-tears, and laughter, joy and bitterness all thrown into the mix; but we have survived and we are still standing, by His grace. Sometimes you are a friend, sometimes, a mentor whom I look up to, but above all, my husband and best buddy for life! I sit on my PC tonight, thinking of all the reasons why I love you as you mark yet another birthday.  It's a privilege and joy to be able to share the joy of this special day with you and to be able to let the whole world know! Words may not be adequate to express my heart, but I will try...







...sometimes, after one has been married for a while, and the 'sabi-me-finish' syndrome has kicked in, it becomes easier to focus on the mundane things such as, dirty dishes and towels, tone of voice, childcare, and sundry issues, than on all the wonderful reasons why you fell in love and got married in the first place. I love to celebrate you for no reason at all, but even more so, on this day, 22nd of August, on your birthday. So my love for life, I want to ignore dirty dishes, crying babies, food that needs cooking, and just celebrate you and bless God for adding yet another year to your life, and allowing me to be a part of your life to celebrate along with you. 

 *Whispering loudly*:  Dear Lord, Thank you again  for this amazing man you've given to me. His strength and boldness and love remind me so much of You. As He leads us, lead Him, as He puts His trust in you, may he never be confounded. May He receive grace and strength from you to continually stand, as a man after your heart. I cover him with the blood that speaks better things than the blood of Abel, and declare that it is in you that he lives, moves, and has his being. Thank you for your blessings upon his life; may he continually seek the Giver, and not the gifts, as you make him your hand extended on earth to reach out to be a blessing to as many as you have called him to. Amen!!!







You are God's  blessing to me, and a fearless/unashamed God follower;  I marvel at the way you give love so freely and selflessly, and the fierceness with which you have helped pushed me to attain my goals in life.  You have taught me what it means to LOVE by
following the example of Christ loving his own Bride. You are my
husband and I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are the best
father to our children and the one I pray to grow old with on one pillow, long after all the teeth are gone.  



Happy Birthday my love for life!!!

Your girlfriend/wife for life.

There was a man called Naaman, a captain of a large army, and a highly placed/influential officer, and a







skilled man of war. However, he had a coma in his story. He became plagued with a disease, which made   him an object of scorn and ridicule, and made life really stressful for him. Despite his well placed position and wealth, none of those things could give him the cure and health he sought. The Bible describes him as a 'great man,' 'honorable' a 'captain'  (2Kings 5:1-14). He was the Commander in Chief of the Syrian army, BUT he happened to be a leper. Leprosy was a loathsome, contagious, incurable, deceptive disease which was not inherited, but acquired. It also had the tendency to increase! However, help came from the most unexpected of sources; through the faithful witness of the most unexpected of persons- his wife's maid servant, someone who was considered to be of little value! Acting on her instructions, he goes in search of a cure in Israel, and when he gets there, and meets with the prophet Elisha, he almost misses his healing because he was expecting something sensational to happen, and not merely to be asked to 'go wash in the Jordan river!' He was enraged because he felt that Syria had far better rivers to bath in; however, when he finally obeyed, at the prompting of his officers, and took a dip in the Jordan, his diseased flesh became as good as a little child's. Isn't it amazing how healing came by obeying a simple instruction to take a dip in the Jordan river, 7 times, when he had expected a much more elaborate ritual?

 

 We
have all heard this expression, 'don't sweat the small stuff' ; but
often times, the small stuff, which we overlook and commonize, are the
things which could have aided us to live life meaningful, and
progressively. A lot of people have striven to please in the big things, only for them to fail because they ignored the small things.  Oftentimes, we wait for that Flash of Insight, that Grand
Gesture, that Rousing Speech, that Last Straw, to come along, change
our lives and make it matter. Worst still, in waiting
for The Big Thing, we could let the little things that make life rich
and meaningful, slip away because of our unhealthy paradigms and
perceptions. One day, you might rouse yourself - like one who has been
in a trance watching life slipped by, and see that while you
hopelessly waited for some Big Thing to come along and make your life
matter, you neglected to invest in the little things, the little
moments, the little pieces of experience that make life meaningful.
Don't let the little things slip away, or you could have a rude
awakening someday and realize that the little things of life, really do matter.
That little thing could be something as trivial as, extending courtesy
to the next person, whether you know them, or not, or doing a little bit
more than what is expected of you. Definitely Sweat the Small Stuff!!

History was made in Uyo, the capital city of Akwa Ibom State with the formal signing of my debut novel, presentation/book  Burning Hurt on Thursday, the 6th of June, 2013. Burning Hurt was published by Author House UK, in August 2012. It is a work of literary fiction, which also appeals to the dictates of our moral values as Christians, with the aim of promoting good moral values in the home and society by encouraging youths to sow 'righteous oats' as against the proverbial sowing of wild oats, which is seen to epitomize manliness. Burning Hurt is a universal story of betrayal, neglect, forgiveness, redemption and love, set in the southern part of Nigeria. It also emphasizes the importance of strong family units because, the family is the singular most important unit of the society; when the family unit is functional, it will reduce the dysfunction in the larger society. The story promotes positive/godly friendships as a good support system for the individual, as well as the cultural practices of the state in which the plot of the story is set. The book is replete with words from the Ibibio dialect of Akwa Ibom State, complete with a glossary at the end, which explains the meaning of these words.




















The presentation/signing held at the Ibom E-Library IBB Avenue, Off Aka Road Uyo Akwa Ibom State. It was breath-taking, wonderful, outstanding, unique and creatively put together to capture the interest of attendees, and also provoke thought on some commonly acceptable practices. Part of the activities marking the presentation included, an exclusive Red-Carpet, a total theater representation of “ Burning Hurt ” by the Burning Hurt Play House; the stage play was a compendium of dance, music and drama. Sanvee Schools selected some of their best readers to read excerpts from Burning Hurt as part of the side attractions of the day. On the other hand, there was a review panel, made up of some notable minds, readers and writers of repute to mention a few. These included:  the wife of the Ambassador of the High Commission Trinidad and Tobago to Nigeria, Her Excellency, Mrs Dela Obika, Wife of Hon. Onofiok Luke,  Executive member, Akwa Ibom State House of Assembly, Mrs Uduak Onofiok Luke, Barrister Andem Ndem, Dr. Martin Akpan, Mr John Ekphikhe and Mr Ime Ikpe. These personalities spoke about the ‘burning issues’ in the book, and how the book impacted on them.  A theme song of international repute titled “I’m letting Go ” which was beautifully rendered by Mr. Greatgift Nicholas, was released, and is also available for downloading on the VIDEO menu.



The event was well attended by guests from the academia and business sectors, from different parts of Nigeria, including my secondary school English teacher at Union Secondary School Ibiaku-Itu, Mrs. Victoria Ukpong nee Utuk, who played a significant role in my life at that point, by helping to draw out an introverted little girl and making her President of the literary/drama club. It helped me a lot to come out of my shell.





This presentation heralded the dawn of the Burning Hurt Series . My parents Elder&Deaconess Eno Ikpe, and mother in-law, Deaconess Grace Thompson were in attendance, with a host of other family members, friends, business associates, staff,  and well wishers. The event, which was packaged by PurplePatch Consults, run by Miss Mmanti Umoh, was well organized/put together. It was described by the Akwa Ibom State Television, which was on ground to cover the event, as the ‘best organized event in Akwa Ibom in the last 2 years.’  Other media houses that had provided  pre-event coverage, included: AKBC TV, The Bridge TV, Uyo, and,  Bush House Radio, Abuja.




This event held a lot of significance for me. I started writing, while at Charles Walker International Junior Burning Hurt. It touched me a lot, especially when I saw how excited my four children were, to be part of the Presentation experience. I see my writing primarily as a ministry and see myself as a positive change agent of my society, beginning in my own little sphere of influence.







Nursery/Primary School, Calabar, and my very first fan, was my younger sister, Uto-Lillian, who read everything I put down whether it made sense or not. So, for me, this was the fulfillment of a childhood longing/dream and I'm grateful to God for powering it to fruition. My 7 year old son came to me with a short story on paper which he titled:





This is my rasion d’être for writing Burning Hurt: "The consequences of some of our wrong or ill-advised decisions in life may not always play out the way it did in this story, but if all I succeed in doing, is make many people have a re-think, before embarking on an irrational course of action, I would be fulfilled.”






I hope to influence my generation, one person at a time, using my own words…..”  





Like our Fan Page and follow us on Twitter: https://www.facebook.com/burningnovels

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Read my speech at the presentation:  http://www.slideshare.net/MmantiNUmoh/her-speech 

Dr. Martin Akpan's speech: http://www.slideshare.net/MmantiNUmoh/dr-martin-akpans-speech

Sex Education begins in the home. Teach your children the right thing.




 This is the concluding part of the interview on Child Sexual Abuse, with Mrs. Akindolie. Please do not hesitate to reach out to her, if you have any issues along these lines that are giving you grave concern and also get copies of her book for your family library and for friends. Our children deserve to be safe and free enough to live out their childhood in a warm, loving, and nurturing environment. It should not hurt to be a child!!! Let's rally together to









Q. What are the enabling laws, if any,
that guarantees that if victims speak out, they would be protected?








A.Though
I am not a lawyer, but I do know that the laws are available to support any
victims who seek for justice in court. Family courts have been provided by the
Lagos State for a victim’s privacy. Victims can report any incidence to the nearest
police station.



Q. What are your projections and aspirations to help curb this menace? So far,
would you say you have been able to do much?








A. In
my organization, we believe that prevention is better than cure.  We do not have to wait for sexual abuse to
happen before we start taking action, because the consequences are terrible, I
mean really terrible. We need more people to preach the gospel of prevention,
develop more educational materials to educate our children.  We are looking at partnering with the Local
Government Areas and Councils in Lagos State. 
At the moment, we have written a proposal to the Eti-Osa Local Government
Council to organize a workshop for over 300 Community Development Associations
(CDAs) so that we can educate them. This we hope to take to other places. Christianah
Fate Foundation hopes to educate over 20,000 pupils in public nursery and
primary schools in Eti-osa Local Education District this year as soon as funds
are available. We are also looking at developing more education materials that
will make learning fun for kids.



Q. Do you have sister organizations or NGOs that you are partnering or
collaborating with in order to be able to make an impact in this area? Any
government input?




A. Of
course, we cannot work alone! One organization that has been helpful is MEDIA
Concern Initiative (MEDIACON) led by Dr. Princess Olufemi-Kayode.  They have been very helpful in the area of
advocacy, counseling and training etc.  We
also belong to the Child Protection Network in Lagos State where we share
important information on Child Protection. For the government – The Ministry of
Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation (WAPA) has been very helpful, they
provide enough YELLOW CARDS which contains helplines, this we distribute to
children whenever we have any event..






Q. How can parents or guardians, help to protect their children from sexual
predators? What information can you give your child about sex, and who is the
right person to give this info?





A. Parents
are the primary protectors and sex educators of their children.  God requires that we take care and protect
our children from any harm. It is the duty of parents to teach sex education at
home.  They do not have to wait for the
school or church to do that. Many parents have asked me when they should start,
I tell them as soon as a child starts talking. 
Sex education is age-related. It is necessary to start by letting them
know the proper names of their private parts. 
It is quite unfortunate that many parents call the private parts pet
names, this has deprived children a lot of opportunities to disclose incidence
of sexual abuse.  What will you say about
a little child who tells her mum that “Mummy uncle is using nail to touch my
bum bum”? Of course nobody gave her attention.  
But if she had mentioned the proper name, then an alarm has been blow! I
am a strong supporter of this and I encourage parents to do same.








Parents
must tell their children not to allow anyone touch their private parts, if
anyone does, then they should tell their parents or any trusted adult immediately.
Children must be taught that there is the good touch and sexually abuse touch
which involves touching their private parts. 
Keeping secrets is one of the tactics of the abuser.  Some abusers even threaten to kill their
victims. Let your children know that they should not keep any secret and they
can trust you to help them in any situation.




Maintaining
good rapport and communication is very important to protect children from
sexual abuse. Parents who are close to their children will definitely observe
any changes and take proper action. Do you know what your child encountered at
school, church, home etc? You need to question and prompt them into discussing
their likes and dislikes of the day.  I
advise parents to become “helicopter parents”, yes it has come to that.




Another
important measure is to make sure that the whole household is educated about
child sexual abuse.  I mean everyone
living in the family. Set boundaries in the family, I mean members of the
family must respect each other’s privacy. Children should knock before entering
each other’s rooms.  This is sending
signals to them that they have a right to privacy and of course, their private
part should remain private.  This is
because I have seen incidence of sibling sexual abuse (that is another topic).








One
more thing, parents must maintain privacy in their conjugal duties. Yes, I once
counseled a teenager who watched her parents have sex for two years without
their knowledge.  Of course she went
ahead to practice what she saw with a boy.








The
precautionary measures are so many, but you can get my book – CHILD SEXUAL
ABUSE, A SILENT EPIDEMIC.




Sex
education should be taught by both parents – I mean mummy and daddy.  Many fathers shy away from their duties,
thinking that it’s a woman’s duty. Everyone has a role to play.  Just imagine, a mother discussing “wet
dreams” with a teenage boy! Or a father discussing “menstruation” with a
teenage girl? Teenagers have a whole lot of information about sex.  I once heard about a mother who told her
daughter “Now let us talk about Sex” and the girl asked “What do you want to
know”.  So I advise parents to teach
their children even before they get to the teenage years so that they are well
prepared even if their friends try to give them the wrong information.



Q. How do you reach your target audience and what organizations have benefited
from your NGO's sexual awareness campaign?





A. It
takes so much hard work and perseverance to convince people to buy in to this
important issue.  I remember when I newly
started, a Pastor refused and said “How can you teach sex in the church”? I
virtually begged churches to just allow me speak at the children and teens
church. Some even asked me to speak for just 5-15 minutes because they have
other important programs.  On most
occasions, I speak for 30 minutes without any interruptions because the
congregation never knew sexual abuse exist.I have alse come across individuals
who made sure I speak in their events despite resistance. Praise God people are
beginning to wake up.  My schedule is now
tight and I usually take it easy anyway because I have a  Monday to Friday job.




By God’s
grace, I have had opportunities to speak in a lot of churches, schools,
seminars and conferences.  Some
motherless babies home and other organizations have benefited from our events.



Q. Given the opportunity to address
decision makers in government, what policies would you advocate to be put in
place to curb this menace and reduce it to the barest minimum? Final word for
parents




A. I
think the government (local and state levels) need to work on creating more
awareness in schools, provide toll free working help lines for victim (just
like the developed countries).  They need
to partner with few of us NGOs that are bold enough to talk about this societal
challenge that is destroying the destinies of our future generation. Court proceedings
should be accelerated when it comes to sexual assault of a child.  Establishment of more family courts will go a
long way in providing easy access for victims who are seeking for redress. Sex
Offenders list will go a long way in protecting children.  This is obtainable in developed countries,
however, government can start working towards this because it will help
employers, parents, neighbors and organizations identify sexual abusers before
employing or living with them.




To
all parents reading this, this is a clarion call for us to empower our children
so that they can be adequately protected from predators that are lurking around
us.  I understand you have no choice but to
rely on relatives, domestic staff and neighbors to take care of your children,
but then, can you cope with the consequences of sexual abuse? I advise that one
of the parents should have a flexible job so that some contact with your
children will be minimized. I have seen a lot of avoidable cases that has
caused damage in the lives of victims.

"Child
sexual abuse is everybody’s business, make it a duty to
pass on this information to every child and every parent you meet out
there.  Do not live in a world of denial,
sexual abuse can happen in any home!"

                                                     END

This is the second part in the series on child abuse. I apologize for posting this later than I planned. This is due to the fact that my schedule just became a little bit more tighter, as my book presentation beckons next weekend, 6th June, at the E-Library auditorium, in Uyo, Akwa Ibom State. I thank God however, that I am able to do this. I


At a fair in the UK




I  thought of editing the answers to make the post shorter, as Mrs. Akindolie was gracious enough to send me a 13-page response on this issue of child sexual abuse. I know it cost her a lot, and  was really a labor of love/evidence of strong passion for her to sit down and write these answers; when passion speaks, it is evident for all to see, hence, I have decided to share them, as is, but serialize into parts. I know that this is a burning topic with most parents/guardians, and most would want to know what can be done to make the society a little safer for this fledglings. Do read on, and share your thoughts. God bless you all. 



Mrs. Akindolie's latest book on Child Sexual Abuse







Q. Let us
have a glimpse of your person- marital status, educational qualifications, work
history, state of origin, etc




A. My name is ChristianahAbosedeAkindolie, Founder/Project Coordinator, Christianah
Fate Foundation (an NGO). Proudly Nigerian and a native of Ondo town in Ondo
State.I am married to a dedicated and committed man of God, Pastor Olugbemi.  We have three lovely children who I call
Arrows of God.  I actually grew up in a northern
state in Nigeria (Maiduguri precisely) due to my father’s frequent job transfers.
I had my primary and secondary school education in Maiduguri, after which my
dad was transferred to Lagos. I obtained a National Diploma in Secretarial
Administration from the  Federal
Polytechnic Ilaro in Ogun State. I had a brief stint with Costain West Africa
Ltd after which I moved on to work as a civil servant in one of the government owned establishments.  I later obtained a
Bachelor of Science Degree in Social Science from the Lagos State
University.  I have attended numerous
local and international courses in the last twenty years in addition to my
working experience.






Q. What motivated the decision to set up your NGO, Christianah Fate Foundation,
and what is its thrust or focus? How long has it been in existence?






A. It
got to a point in my life that I did not fill fulfilled, even though I was
living comfortably with a good job.  When
I clocked 40, I asked God for what will give me fulfillment apart from my salary
paying job.  I needed to work for God and
affect humanity, I really wanted to discover my real self. I took some time off
work to seek the face of God. Dr. Myles Munroe’s books (God bless him) helped me
discover purpose while Pastor Mathew Ashomolowo’s teachings and books is
helping me in the journey of fulfilling purpose! God clearly instructed me to
visit a secondary school and speak with the girls on Virginity.  There was so much argument in my spirit as I
struggled with the idea of talking about such an “unpopular” topic. Anyway, I
eventually had a session with the girls and what transpired baffled me.  It was so shocking that during the counseling
session, there were reported cases of sexual abuse.  I got home with such a heavy heart.  Then the Lord spoke to me – “There goes your
vision, run after it”.  As a Social
Scientist, I searched and got everything I could on Child Sexual Abuse.

The
Lord started opening my eyes to a lot of issues surrounding child sexual
abuse.  I spoke to parents at every forum
I am opportune to.  In fact I was
virtually pleading to get IVs to speak in faith-based organizations and schools
(Now I have more than I can cope with). Christianah Fate Foundation was
established in 2010 (but registered with CAC in 2011) with a vision to see
children enjoy their childhood free of any form of abuse. Our main focus is to empower
children, Educate parents and Train Teachers on issues surrounding child sexual
abuse.






Q. Do you think that the sexual abuse of
children is assuming gigantic proportion in our country? What could be the
reason for this menace?




A. Child
sexual abuse has been in existence over the years, but we never knew it was
there. I recently spoke with a grandmother who actually spoke of her experience
during her childhood days.  She never
knew it was sexual abuse, not until she heard me speak about it. The thing is
that people like us are beginning to create awareness using the media (print
and electronic).  We have developed
education tools to help empower children to speak and not keep any secrets. The
media has been very helpful to expose the evil deeds of child sexual abusers in
Nigeria.  My Foundation held a training
last year for the media and other stakeholders where we educated them on the
need to partner with NGOs to educate the society on how to protect their
children from sexual abuse.  I will say,
they have been very helpful as I have written articles for some national
newspapers and magazines on this issue.




Child
sexual abuse is a silent epidemic.  It is
happening in so many homes today, yet people are not aware of its
existence.  I have come across countless
teenagers who have told me their experiences, and of course over 90% of such
cases are not known to the parents. I remember during my childhood, my father
worked while mum had a business (not too far from the house), so she was
virtually taking care of us.  But what do
we have now, due to the economic situation in the world today, women have to
work to augment their husband’s salary. 
Who takes care of the children?  They
are at the mercy of domestic staff, relatives, neighbors, drivers, teachers, lesson
teachers, swim instructors etc.  Children
are left at the mercy of these potential abusers.  Many parents pay people to play their
parental roles for them. During a question and answer session, a young boy of
11 asked me a question which touched my heart – “But why don’t our parents have time for us? They always say they are
working to pay for our school fees.” Imagine a little boy already aware of his parent’s busy schedule.I
remember a friend of mine who decided to quit a good paying job just to take
care of her children. It was a sacrifice she had to make because the risk of
abuse was very high considering the people surrounding her kids – cook, nanny,
driver, laundry man, gate man etc. Moreover, parents are not close enough to
their children, I mean having a very close and friendly relationship with them.







Q. In working with sexually abused
children, what have been some of your heart rending experiences? Talk about
your high and low points, including milestone achievements.




A. Due
to the confidentiality of this topic, I will not be able to disclose in
details.  At various sessions with
children and teenagers, I have come across abuses from uncles, aunties,
neighbors, teachers, step-fathers, fathers, house helps etc.  Even adults have come to break the silence of
past abuses.




In
2012 alone, Christianah Fate Foundation was able to reach out to over 20,000
parents, children and teachers in schools and faith-based organizations. We
made 3 television appearances and 7 radio live shows in 2012. One of our major achievements
theofficial opening of our office on 19thMay 2012 – CHILD SEXUAL
ABUSE AWARENESS AND PREVENTION CENTRE located in Road 5, Block Suite 10 Ikota
Shopping Complex VGC, Lekki.  Our
services include counseling sessions, workshops for children and parents, providing
educative and preventive materials. 
Sexual abuse cases can be reported to our office which will be handed
over to the appropriate authorities. We also operate a help line for children
and parents who want get answers to issues concerning sexual abuse. 

Addressing tailors on the topic of child abuse






It shouldn’t hurt to be a child school
community project run by CFF recently partnered with
Eti-Osa Local Education District to educate pupils in 36 public nursery and
primary schools.  We covered only 5
schools last year with 2,275 pupils in Ogombo, Sango-Tedo, Badore, Langbasa and
Ikota. Due to lack of funds we could not reach out to the remaining 31 schools,
but we hope to do some this year (2013). 
The discoveries made during the project were really overwhelming. These
children are more vulnerable because they live in clustered houses; many of them
hawk around the streets. As a result of the project, we organized a special
training session for all the Guardian Counselors of the Local Education
District.  A club known as, War Against
Sexual Harassment (WASH) was launched in all the District. We also took a step
further in April this year to launch out the – It shouldn’t hurt to be a child community project in Ogombo,
Awoyaya, Sango-Tedo, Badore-Addo and Ikota. 
CFF volunteers created awareness in these communities on 10th-11th
April.  These were giant strides for us.













Q. Have you ever reached a point where you have felt like giving up? If yes,
why? Talk about some of your strong challenges.






A.Yes
I have on several occasions.  In fact
recently, a voice kept telling asking me “Why are you doing this? “What have
you gained so far? Are you really sure of what you are doing?“You are alone in
this”! Sometimes I feel lonely, depressed and worn-out.  I shared this with my husband who quickly
rebuked these thoughts from the enemy. Each time it comes, I usually tell the voice
- “I have laid my hand on the plough, it is too late to go back”.  Each time I hear of any case of sexual abuse,
I feel as if my effort is not good enough. Recently, I got a phone call from a
little child of 8 year, all she said was “Aunty, thank you for giving us the
“10 smart rules to help protect children from sexual abuse”. I was really
encouraged and my spirit was lifted up. Compliments from parents and the
unfailing support from my volunteers and partners have been overwhelming.

With Coach Anna






A
big challenge we normally face is the attitude of some parents whose children
are victims of abuse.  Only God can help
us curb this epidemic because most times, the perpetrators are allowed to go
scot free. Some parents retreat from prosecuting the abuser due to stigmatization,
family intervention, impatience, emotional blackmail, poverty etc. 




We
are operating at a very small level due to lack of funds.  Most of our projects are self-funded except a
few assistance from friends and family who believe in what I am doing. The more
funds we get, the more children we can reach out to.

House of Cedar Youth Empowerment program








Q. How can you tell, when a child has been sexually abused or harassed, and
what immediate steps can an adult take to help the child? Also, in a situation
where the abuse is being perpetrated by the parent, how does one help the
child?






A. Parents must first of all be aware that
child sexual abuse exists and he or she must be properly educated on how to
identify a sexually abused child.  Let me
share a few of them. The physical signs of sexual abuse could be, when you
notice a child who would normally walk well, but suddenly hesitates while
walking or you could notice that a child is in pain when walking.  A victim could also find it difficult to
urinate or having a bowel movement.  A
mother may notice that when she wants to bath her child’s private part, there’s
hesitation.  A mother discovered a child
was sexually abused through this sign. 
Some victims have nightmares, they could scream from their sleep,
sweating and agitated. Victims could also be infected with sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs), bruises on the breast and vagina.  Victims also exhibit some behavioral and
psychologically signs such as aggressiveness, loneliness, depression, low
grades in school, fear of a certain place or person etc . There are lots of them,
parents can get my books titled: Child Sexual Abuse, A Silent Epidemic and
Understanding Child Sexual Abuse, for many more signs to watch out for.




When a parent discovers that his/her child
has been sexually abused, please such a parent must be very calm, I mean really
calm.  Why I am emphasizing on this is
because so many parents have allowed their children to withdraw from telling
them details of what happened.   A child
could even deny it if he/she notices a rather aggressive reaction from them
(the parents). First let the child know you believe his/her!  This is very important because a child will
surely see it in your eyes.  Do not blame
the victim, rather thank him/her for telling (which is usually very difficult).
Make the child as comfortable as possible and allow him/her to tell the
story.  Let the child know that it was
never his/her fault and help is available. If it is rape, the child will need
immediate medical attention.  It is also
important to know that evidence such as the clothes should not be washed but
kept in a plastic bag.  Make an immediate
report to the nearest police station for referral to a government hospital.






There has been several cases of abuse
taking place between children and their parents, especially the fathers who are
physically and emotionally stronger.  We
need to let children know that they can get help even if their father is
abusing them.  The Lagos State Ministry
of Women and Poverty Alleviation is doing her best to help children.  Also the Child Protection Network in
conjunction with UNICEF is helping children who find themselves in this
condition.  For us, we have partnering
with other NGOs who are ready to help such victims.  So we encourage children to speak out and they
will surely get help. Any adult that notices that a child is being abused by
the parents should not keep quiet, rather report to the appropriate authorities
and that child will get help (you do not need to give your name, all we need is
the information about the child’s location etc).







Q. In the Western world, there is a wealth of information on child sexual
abuse, but in our country, silence, due to fear of stigmatization and myriads other reasons, seem to be the culture. What do you think can be done to
encourage victims to speak out against this menace and thus help bring the
perpetrators to book?  







A.Yes you are right, very few information is
available on sexual abuse in this part of the world. My organization has been
forth coming in the area of providing necessary information on issues
surrounding child sexual abuse.  We
believe when people have knowledge, they have power to break the silence and
resist abuse in their homes. In my years of educating people, I have met a lot
of adults and children who have broken the silence of abuse. You see we need to
provide the environment for people to speak out their minds. It is not usually
easy for a victim to disclose abuse. During our school project, one of the
teachers was shocked and wondered by some of the victims did not tell.  I told her that they enabling environment was
not provided. Some have kept it in a part of the heart for over 20-50 years
without telling anyone until they were provided the atmosphere to speak.  Even repentant perpetrators themselves need
such environment to confess what they have done so that they can get
forgiveness and peace in their hearts. Our Foundation also helps Abusers who
are ready to turn a new leaf. I think we need to provide more materials, do a
lot of enlightenment workshops and seminars in Nigeria, because some people
don’t even know that sexual abuse exist (yes, I get surprise faces when I speak
on conferences and faith-based programs).




Many people are scared to report an
abuser, they prefer settling it within the family or neighborhood.  What they do not know is that child sexual
abuse will continue to multiply as long as perpetrators are allowed to go
free.  A teacher who sexually abuses a
student and is sacked from work will definitely get an appointment to teach in
another school. Of course the new employers do not know his past history.






Q. Who is more susceptible to sexual abuse, the male or female child? What are
the situations or conditions that enable sexual abuse thrive?






A. Research has shown that 1 out of 3 girls
are sexually abused by age 18, while 1 out 6 boys are abused before age
18.  So you can see from the statistics
that girls are more susceptible to sexual abuse.  A parent once told me that she is happy that
her children are boys.  I told her not to
rejoice because boys are also sexually abused. 
She was shocked to the bones. 
Boys find it difficult to report abuse, may be because of our culture
and the way we bring up our male child 
We usually tell them ‘you are the man of the house’, ‘boys do not cry’
and moreover it gets to a stage, boys enjoy it, yes they do.  It is so pathetic.




Sexual abuse thrives in homes where love
is not expressed.  Let me explain
this.  An abuser once said, “Give me five
minutes with a family and I will know whether I can abuse their kids”.  He said if the parents don’t hug, smile,
speak loving words or buy stuff for their kids, then it will be easier to abuse
the children.   He will then go ahead to
show the kids love and affection by hugging, flattering them with sweet words,
buy gifts to entice them.  He could show
support and solidarity even the victim is scolded for doing anything
wrong. 






Abuse also strives in
unsettled homes.  These are homes where
couples are always quarreling and fighting each other in the full glare of the
kids. When parents delegate their roles to domestic staff without proper monitoring,
of course such children are under their control. 




To be continued....

Ours is a society that is inundated with highly sexualized messages at the turn of a head. One is bombarded with sexually suggestive messages/adverts on both print and electronic media; children are not spared, as some cartoons these days, have some level of inappropriate sexual content. Recently, my company, as part of its CSR initiative, through our Security Clinic unit, went to one of the high brow schools on the island for a training on security/safety. We spoke with the children in the nursery/primary section first, before addressing the parents and teachers just yesterday in a meeting where the deputy Commissioner of Police for Lagos State, was in attendance, during the school's PTA meeting. It was a revealing session, after I facilitated the sexual assault session. It hit a note with most of the parents/teachers in attendance. Part of the training module we cover, is sexual assault, and that aspect usually generates the most questions from the children, more than all the other areas we cover, like, theft, kidnapping, terrorism, emergency, fire, etc. From all the questions we receive, it's made me realize that sexual abuse of children is a real menace that must not be treated with kids gloves. The children's questions also made me realize that a lot of parents are in denial of this issue. Some of them shared that, a driver had sexually assaulted them, but when they told 'mummy' she did not believe them; some asked what they could do in a situation where the sexual molester was their parent, or what they could do in a situation where they had witnessed someone being sexually molested.



Just two days ago, I received a broadcast message on my blackberry, about a news report in PM News of a 7 year old girl, who was serially raped by three men for six months in Lagos State; http://pmnews.mobi/output.php?id=8310. One of the cruelest things that can happen to a child, is to have his/her innocence cruelly snatched away by adults who should protect them. As parents, sisters, brothers, or guardians, we cannot afford the consequences of ignorance, hence, we must take proactive measures to ensure that this monster of child abuse, is reduced to the barest, if we cannot stop it altogether. We must make the children in our care, 'off-limits' children, by arming them with the information the need to handle a situation where they are being threatened by sexual abuse. We cannot afford to shy away from talking to our children/wards about sex. The best place for sex education to happen is in the home. That is where the foundation should be laid; every other agency should build on what has been started in the homes. The sexual predator is empowered by our silence, discomfort, and ignorance. We must make up our minds to shatter this silence by empowering our children/wards with appropriate information to combat this menace. 



Sex is one topic that disturbs parents/guardians, and yet, many are uncomfortable about speaking with their children about it, probably because they were not taught as children too. I can sum up all the information I ever received about sex from my own mother in one sentence, 'if you as much as stand beside a man, you will get pregnant....' It was grossly inadequate, but at that time, it sufficed; the same cannot be said of today's children, who, aided by technological advances, are more savvy and exposed. Ignorance is no excuse. There is a wealth of information you can read up on, available on line and in books. For the next few posts, I will be featuring an indepth interview with Mrs.Christianah
Abosede Akindolie, Founder/Project Coordinator, Christianah Fate Foundation (an
NGO). Her organisation has done a lot of work in the area of child sexual abuse, and she is also a published author of several titles on this issue. She is on the field, and has a wealth of information to share on this menace, which she describes as a 'silent epidemic.'  This is a snippet of what she shared with me, 








'In 2012 alone,
Christianah Fate Foundation was able to reach out to over 20,000 parents,
children and teachers in schools and faith-based organizations. We made 3
television appearances and 7 radio live shows in 2012. One of our major achievements
the official opening of our office on 19th May 2012 – CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
AWARENESS AND PREVENTION CENTRE located in Road 5, Block Suite 10 Ikota
Shopping Complex VGC, Lekki.  Our
services include counseling sessions, workshops for children and parents, providing
educative and preventive materials. 
Sexual abuse cases can be reported to our office which will be handed
over to the appropriate authorities. We also operate a help line for children
and parents who want get answers to issues concerning sexual abuse.'




She shared a wealth of information that would be really useful in dealing with this epidemic. The interview was a long one, and I plan to break it up into parts for easy assimilation. Let us make it a date on this page for the next few days. Remember this: it does not have to hurt, to be a child. Let's protect our children, and keep them safe from abuse. 

The preparations for the formal presentation of my first novel, published by AuthorHouse, UK- Burning Hurt, is gathering momentum as the date approaches. This

is to formally invite you all to be a part of  the book presentation,
at the Ibom E-Library Auditorium of
Akwa Ibom State between the hours of 3-8pm in Uyo, the capital city of
Akwa Ibom State on the 6th of June, 2013. I am looking forward to seeing
as many of us as can make it to Uyo for this event. Do holler at me, to
indicate if you would want to be a part of this event. I solicit your
support/assistance in hyping the book and
the Presentation, and of course, your reviews and
critiques, when you do read the book.






Burning

Hurt....letting go : Burning Hurt is a work of literary fiction, which
also appeals to the dictates of our moral values as Christians, with the
aim of promoting good moral values in the home and society by
encouraging youths to sow ‘righteous oats’ as against the proverbial
sowing of wild oats, which is erroneously seen to epitomize manliness.
The book also emphasizes the importance of strong family units because,
the family is the singular most important unit of the society; when the
family unit is functional, it will reduce the dysfunction in the larger
society. You can get your copies of Burning Hurt from any of these outlets for now:


Get BURNING HURT from these Online sites: 

AUTHORHOUSE    



BARNES & NOBLE  



BARNES & NOBLE Kindle 



AMAZON



EBAY  



KOBO BOOKS   



SCRIBD 



BOOKTOPIA  



INDIGO   


POWELLS  



ALLBOOKSTORES 



BETTERWORLDBOOKS 



FOYLES



Abe BOOKS http://bit.ly/QBGYsr-



These bookstores/outlets stock hard copies too:

Abuja:

-5
Sleek studio D201 bloomsbury plaza 1245 adetokunbo ademola crescent
wuse 2 after oti carpets opp kiss fm same plaza with GT Bank,

-Cassava
Republic Bookshop, Shop 62b, Arts&Craft Village, opposite Sheraton, 

-Tabitha's Kids, 18, Otokpo street, Area 11, Garki, Abuja.

Lagos:
-Terra Kulture. Tamiyu Savage, VI, Lagos
-Excel Scholars Bookshop, Festac. House 33. 51 rd.
-Patabah Bookshop, Shoprite, Surulere
-EF Charis Ventures, Signboard bus stop, Addo Rd, Ajah
-His Heavenly Bliss Supermarket, Badore Rd, Ajah

Akwa Ibom:
-WordWorks Bookshop, Oron Rd roundabout, Uyo
-SheerGrace Stores, Barracks road, Uyo
- Boldoz Resources, Udotungubo Rd, Uyo
-Jesus House, Ewet Housing, Uyo
- Sheer Grace Bookshop, Wellington Bassey Way

Download the theme song here:



http://bit.ly/14dJI7p 



 
Read more here: http://wp.me/p2H6H2-am




The
event is a non-paying event; it is totally free, but for
logistics/planning purposes, admittance will have to be based strictly
on a strong show of interest in being a part of this event, and this can
be done by ordering for your tickets to be part of the presentation.
Order tickets for the official book presentation via Eventbrite:




http://burninghurt-efbevent.eventbrite.com/




Or follow @burninghurt or facebook.com/burningnovels






Take a look at this book trailer, which is the first of two. Please view, drop comments, and share. Thank you very much.

Romance Meets Life: Unyime Ivy King - Communication is The Livewire of...: After featuring celebrities for the last few posts, the up close and personal Marriage Avowals from the people around the block are back....

It has been a while since I updated my blog. I want to thank everyone that has been concerned and loving enough to check up on me. It is a virtual world, but once in a while, God causes great friendships to happen which go way beyond cyberspace. Thank you and God bless you-you know yourselves. I will be inconsistent with my updates for a while as I have some projects which I am working on, which is consuming a lot of my time, chief of all, being the background preparations for the public presentation of my novel, 'Burning Hurt.' Watch out for detailed information soon. Let me sign off with this allegorical piece by an unknown author, which evokes strong feelings in me as it makes me reflect on the impact of a mother's influence in the life of her children. You may not be a biological mother, but if you have some young people whom you mentor, or have influence over, then your role is similar to that of a mother's. Do not leave this earth without resolving to create an impact in the life of another person in a positive way. Cheers my friends.


The young
Mother set her feet on the path of life.

“Is the
way long?” she
asked.

And her
guide said: “Yes and the way is hard. And you will be old before you
reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.”

But the
young Mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better
than these years.

So she
played with her children, gathered flowers for them along
the way and bath with them in the clear streams. The sun shone on them, life
was good and the young Mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than
this.”

Then the
night came, and storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear
and cold, and the Mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and
the children said, “O Mother, we are not afraid because you are near, no
harm can come.” And the Mother said, “This is better than the brightness of
the day, for I have taught my children courage.”

The
morning came, as they approached a hill. The children climbed and grew weary.
The Mother was weary but all the time she said to the children, “A little
patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and when they
reached the top they said, “We could not have done it without you,
Mother.” And the Mother when she lay down at night, looked up to the stars,
and said: “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learnt fortitude in the face of hardness.
Yesterday I gave them courage .Today I have given them strength.

The next
day came strange clouds which darkened the earth-clouds of war and hate and
evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the Mother said: “Look up. Lift your eyes to the Light.” Then the children looked and
saw above the clouds an everlasting Glory, and it guided them and brought
them beyond darkness. And that night the Mother said, “This is the best day
of all, for I have shown my children God.”

The days
went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the Mother grew old.
She was little and bent, but the children were tall and strong, and walked with
courage. And when the way was hard, they helped their Mother; and when the way
was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they
came to a hill from which they could see a shining road and golden gates flung
wide,

And the
Mother said: “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the
end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their
children after them.” Her children answered, “You will always walk
with us mother, even when you have gone through the gates.”

Then they
stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And
they said: “We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours
is more than a memory. She is a living presence.”

WETINHAPPEN Magazine: IS UNYIME-IVY KING AKWA IBOM’S BEST FEMALE LITERAR...: Unyime-Ivy King is a passionate wife, mother, and writer. Her passion for writing has taken her through media houses like: Vanguard Med...