Dedra Johnson's Blog

Bam. BAM! Bam.

BAM. BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM!

Crack. BAM!

That's my head hitting the brick wall of this novel draft.

Don't worry--no blood has been drawn yet.

I knew from the start that basenjis are tough little dogs but Cairo has been mostly playful and friendly, reserving his teeth-baring and growls for Chows and pit bulls. Then he met my father's (intact) 100-lb 18-month-old German Shepherd. Cairo made growls and whines and screams I've never heard and all he wanted to do was growl at that dog, steal his toys and rawhides, and jump at the German Shepherd when he was crated and Cairo was not. The Shepherd could put Cairo's head in his mouth with plenty of room to chew. Smallest dog around, biggest fucking attitude. I kept telling him:

Stop being such a damn gangsta!All right now, Cairo "Katt Williams" Basenji!Why are you trying to make me look bad?Cairo will not be visiting again.

Transvaginal.
As in "transvaginal ultrasound."
Knowing what it is does not ease my stomach. Or anywhere else.

Cairo has always had different relationships, or conflictships, with each of the 3 cats:

Man he hovers over like Man is the weak link in the herd [which he is--so old, he's lost all his body fat, his fur thinning and now white close to his skin, a walk that's like a creep through glue];
Oshi and he alternately hate each other, are nearly homicidally jealous of each other, or want to kill, or at least play roughly with, each other, and will not separate, no matter how loud the growling, hissing and scrambling get;
Tabby, the youngest cat, was softening her hardline position but Cairo was too much of a dog to lick her on the top of her head which she offered him every time she came near him.
Then Cairo saw Tabby climb the neighbor's crape myrtle. He seemed a bit stunned by her dash up the tree. The only things he's seen climb trees are squirrels he nearly chokes himself trying to get to.
Since then, he has been obsessed with Tabby. He growls, yodels, whines when she comes inside and chases after her, intentions unclear. He gets more hyperactive than usual and can't hear any commands, not even the word "cookie," his favorite word other than "Cairo," and one of us has to scoop up Tabby and place her somewhere out of his reach, or grab Cairo and hold on with both hands and a little body weight to keep hm from running to her so fast he bowls her over. He gets this look on his face these days like, DAMN! Y'all never told me she was a SQUIRREL, too?!?

-----pics by dsbnola

This is totally out of character for me but I love this laundry detergent.

For most of my life, I've had various forms of rashes, mostly on my face, occasionally on my shoulders or arms. Once I started doing my own laundry and tried different detergents, I realized some made me break out more than others. [I went through the same trial-and-error with soaps. Oy. And don't ask about shampoos, conditioners, deodorants, lotions---a sensitivity that preceded fibromyalgia] Then fragrance- and dye-free detergents came out and I was able to link some breakouts to fragrances and dyes. I read a lot of labels and assumed as long as I was in this modern world, my forehead would continue to be scattered in, if not covered in, little skin-toned bumps.



Then we got a sample of Myndee Corkern's laundry detergent, that she created because she could not find one that didn't aggravate her daughter's eczema.

Oh. My. God. A subtle, clean smell in the clothes and sheets that leaves my forehead smooth. One little scoop [we have a front-loader/high-efficiency]. And the clothes are clean. I don't have to add borax or OxiClean or some other shit to get stuff clean, it just works. Check out Myndee's Etsy page. The scent names are NOLA style: Mardi Gras, Bananas Foster, Fleur de Lis. She has a Baby scent, too. AND she's local!---Fresh GraNOLA: small, woman-owned and -created business, quality product with the sweetest packaging and lovely little red scoops.

Fresh GraNOLA's All Natural Laundry Powder is made from high quality, hand crafted olive oil soap and other natural materials. It's hard working, yet gentle enough for babies. It will leave your clothes smelling fresh and clean!

You know you want it now.

Tell her you read this post/heard about it from me. You can follow her on Facebook [www.facebook.com/freshgranola] and/or Twitter [freshgranolamyn].

And you will LOVE this detergent. I promise.

So here's the method of my madness:I realize most of this first draft is wrong. But I have to finish it to have a complete, tangible draft to undo.Next, research. I can already visualize my plan.Next, a NEW first draft with the research, changes, unwindings, reknottings tucked into the manuscript and then weeks of deleting, pasting, moving, more deleting, drafting, moving, pausing, deleting and drafting.Then I will have a first draft. And can start revising, aimed at a final draft by this time next year. [I'm sure I'll regret saying that in May 2012.]

It sucks monkey shit but now I have something to work with. Flawed, too narrow, factual details all over the place, but I feel a bit of cool relief.

I am deep enough in this first draft to be absent-minded, daydreamy, always a step back from the present, distracted, and even when I am not thinking I feel like I am thinking.
That's the good news.
The bad news is I am deep enough in this first draft to have it seeping from my skin and I am not enjoying sharing head space with my narrator right now. It's a fucked-up time for her and for everyone around her even if they think all is good and fine in the world. If I had the luxury and privilege of going into the full immersion the draft is teasing me with, I would gladly go over the deep end. But there are small animals to care for, physical therapy, meals, dirty dishes, calls to make, leads that fade and have to be picked up again later, family and relationships I actually like and don't want to drop for a few weeks/months/a year and the general need for non-writing in order to be able to think about writing and write.
So here I sit.

I have taken from the basenji's mouth:
aluminum foilbarkbeer can wrapped in a paper bagbone knucklesbroken chicken bonescarpet fiberscat clawscat haircat littercat turdscharcoal briquetteschewing gum wrapperschunk of blueberry muffincigarette buttsclean napkinsclipped fingernailscouponscrumpled paper bagsdirtdirty napkinsdirty piece of sausagedog turdsdry cat fooddust bunniesflower petalshuman hairleavesmore carpet fibersmore cigarette buttsmulchnewspaperpiece of bread covered in antspiece of onionplastic bagsrockssteak bonesunidentifiable pieces of plastic, various colorsweedswet cat foodwet half cigarettewhole chicken bones
And I have pulled a whole dried dracena leaf out his ass.
*********
photo courtesy of dsb nola, used under this Creative Commons license

Amazing. Especially the last one.