Lloyd Matthew Thompson's Blog

Trevor Hall

The Fruitful Darkness

For the second time in my life, Trevor Hall has given my heart and mind a voice in times of difficulty, times of processing, and times of major metamorphosing and shape-shifting. As I wrote in 2014 about his Chapter of the Forest album, his most recent album, The Fruitful Darkness, has now seeped into every crack of my soul and let enough Light in for my Eyes to see (again) I am not alone. Though it was released in 2017 and it’s now 2020, I didn’t get around to downloading and listening to it until I was sitting here in the Worldwide COVID-19 Quarantine (I’m on shelter-in-place day 46 as I write this), once again confirming that things come to us in perfect timing or sit on our shelf and wait until it is our time for it as so many of my books have done. There are no coincidences., everything’s right on time.

The description of darkness being fruitful–actually being beneficial–makes you cringe. When we are going through dark and difficult times of change or upheaval or loss, it feels incredibly difficult and painful and horrible. But fruitful?? That sounds happy, even grateful. Trevor sings The fruitful darkness is all around us, in bloom, reminding that growth is happening in the darkness, even when there is no light to see it. Even if we cannot see it yet, we can have faith that fruit, ripe for picking, is right next to us. It’s not easy. I had to find my way through the darkness, he explains, reminding us it won’t be until we keep going, keep walking, and break through to the other side into the light that we will get to see the fruit that bloomed with us in the middle of that darkness.

Feelings of frustration and anger are common to everyone going through dark nights, and we are not alone in this either. I’m still learning how to walk in my fire, live in my fire, love in my fire, he explains in Sagittarius, confessing what some may perceive as weakness to show us it is okay to still be learning, to not yet be perfect in these precious human bodies, to get up and keep trying each new hour. We bring ourselves back to center, reminded ourselves who we are: I am that I am, what I am, love I am–that I am.

As we emerge further from the pitch-black darkness into lighter shades of grey, moving toward the light, the gratefulness can begin to set in, gratefulness for the strengths and qualities we start to notice have begun developing in us as a result of the dark journey. There’s darkness all around me, I’m so glad it found me!

Gratefulness and higher-vibe thinking then open the way to begin taking back control of our existence, dreaming of who we can be, what we can build from these shattered pieces and budding strengths laying at our feet. We find the freedom to begin consciously choosing our perspective and our reality. We realize that perhaps we were not displaced after all, that maybe my home is where I wander. But it’s still not easy. There is still work to be done.

If I was a warrior, what would be my weapon? Forgiveness… laughter… sound. My riches, sky and ground. It takes constant mindfulness, purposely choosing our view, turning darkness sublime in a blue sky mind to keep weaving ahead.

What I know is that I don’t know, he chants, moving forward, reaching for the light, facing the unknown, facing and dragging fears into the exposure of the light. He discovers and keeps in mind A Reminder that he can face nothing if he is not in balance, not in his center: When you’ve lost your way, colors start to fade, take a look within, find your offering, hold it to the sun, let your Spirit run, Remember, remember find your center–my love, it’s just a reminder: find your center.

It’s my choice to be joyful… I’ve got to be free.

Trevor wraps up the journey perfectly with a powerful mantra that sticks in my head constantly and becomes my own all day every day:

I have everything I need

I have everything I need

I have everything I need

From the mountain to the sea

All of this is within me

I have everything I need

I have everything I need

This The Fruitful Darkness album is to me another master painting hanging in a museum I can’t stop visiting and just sitting, absorbing, listening to it speak and remind me who I AM, and what it is to be human.

The fruitful darkness is all around us

And

We have everything we need.

So, all we’re going through, whatever new normal will settle in beyond this:

My Love, it’s just a reminder: find your center. 

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TODAY IS MY ninth Father’s Day on this go-around. If any of you try to ask me where those 108 (which also happens to be the exact number of beads on a mala prayer bead rosary, holy holy holy!) months have gone, I will not be able to offer an answer sufficient enough to cover all the bases. Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.

But I can tell you that I am a father, and I can tell you it is a glorious, miraculous thing to be a father, and I can tell you that I have written a book (The Energy of God) in which this is mentioned, and I can tell you that I am about to share that excerpt from that book (The Energy of God) here with you in order to express things to you.

So, enjoy… and HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all other caretakers!

___

From The Energy of God

Chapter 4: IMAGE: Face to Face

ANOTHER FACE THAT HAS been given to God is that of a father. This is perhaps the most familiar description used in describing God to ourselves and others, and this image does fit well for many people. Realizing that God is love and that love made everything, including us, we realize we are products of love—the children of love. Love is our parent.

Yeshua himself encouraged his friends to visualize the energy of God this way, saying When you pray, when you reach out to cross the distance and connect with the energy of God, do it like this: Our Father who is all around us, we quiet ourselves to recognize you are the energy and purity in all things. May all beings come to know you and be you. We trust that we will have all we need this day, as we remember that we have never been let down before. We forgive those who have offended us as we ask forgiveness of anyone we may have offended ourselves. Help us to find and choose the most loving way in every circumstance, and deliver us from all separation.

It is important to understand and remember that any face or symbol is just that: a tool to assist our human minds in relating to its senses and its world around it. Visualizing the energy of God as a parent may be exactly how one person can tap into that energy best, but it may be a completely useless concept to another. There are many whose human parents were not so unconditionally loving, or were outright abusive, making it very difficult and even repulsive for them to think of God as a parent. For them, maybe visualizing the energy of God as the Universe all things are in, the atoms everything is made of, or any other concept and imagery they are comfortable with may be the connection they need. God is all and is in all, so there can be no wrong way to relate to this energy and the love that it is.

I learned far more what the energy of God is like when I became a parent myself than I did from years of studying books and experimenting with traditions and practices. Love undeniably requires action. Love requires actually doing something. Actions speak louder than words. Being something, becoming directly involved in something leads to a much greater understanding than simply observing from the sidelines or imagining what a thing is like, just as the best and quickest way to learn a new language is to live directly among the people whose language you want to learn—to dive right in.

When my daughter was born, everything changed. Everything I’d ever imagined about being a parent or what it was like to love another being was shown to fall tremendously short of the real deal. I also began to understand many things my own parents must have felt, emotions and processes they must have gone through, and began to see why they may have done certain things, the human struggles they may have been experiencing and reacting from.

The greatest impact that happened to me in becoming a parent was having all images and notions I had struggled with of a punitive, angry, and judgmental parent-God completely tossed out the window. The instant I became a father, I knew that if the energy of God was like a father, there was no way on earth there was any room for delighting in holding anger and grudges, finding pleasure in dishing out punishments, or any form of hateful disapproval whatsoever. When we so deeply and naturally love something that came from us—something that is a part of us—no thought of joyfully catching them being wrong in any way and getting to throw them into time-out or a fiery pit for all eternity has any space to exist. In fact, we will overlook a million things and go out of our way to get them whatever they want, gladly going without something for ourselves to arrange things for them.

When our children are tiny and learning to walk, we don’t scowl at them in disappointment or yell at them in anger when they only make it a step or two before falling. We spread our arms wide and smile and cheer and call encouragements out to them: Come on, Baby! You can do it! You’ve got this! Look at you—you’re doing it! If we who are humans on earth can love our own children so unwaveringly even as they fail and fall, how can we imagine the energy of God being any different than this?

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Get yourself a copy of The Energy of God in paperback or Kindle eBook at Amazon!

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Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like to present you with an excerpt from The Energy of God, which is now available on Amazon worldwide in both paperback and Kindle eBook. Find it on Amazon here.

The Energy of God is a call to end the discrimination, end the hatred, end the separation; a call to be the mediators, be the healers, be the love. My prayer for this book is that it finds its way to all the perfect places, finds its way into the hands of all who need love, healing, and encouragement. May every chain be broken, every bridge be restored, and every heart be set free!

Excerpt from The Energy of God:

As I look around our present-day world, it seems that we, too, shout and clamor for external, surface-level changes without examining anything deeper, without first acknowledging what is floating within. How much has truly changed with each switching of our leaders and politicians and in passing more and more laws and rules and restrictions in an effort to create change by sheer force alone?

No matter how often Yeshua had explained things to the people of his time, they still did not understand it was not a physical liberation he meant to set in motion. In both straightforward speech and in teachings wrapped in storytelling, he had made every effort to communicate deeper truths to people, to set them on the journey that would begin to open their eyes and minds. It was not the physical, outer ways of life and circumstances he worked to see changed, but the inward, personal ways of life. Yeshua understood that if a system was simply conquered by and replaced with another system, that would still be just another system, like only replacing one bad habit with another bad habit, leaving the internal motivations and influences untouched, unchanged. Simply cleaning the outside of a cup does not clean the inside as well, he told them, but if you clean the inside of the cup first, then the outside will naturally be washed in the process. Then both the inside and the outside will be cleaned. Surface changes and bandages were not what was needed to free them from suffering—nor is it what we need here and now.

It was these unfulfilled expectations and disappointed hopes that would drive these same people now calling for his crowning in joy to shout for his death in anger before the week was finished.

The way to bring about change is not to bash the undesired thing over the head to force it into a new shape. The most effective way to undermine an existing habit or system and begin a change is to dig to deeper and deeper levels—the root causes and influences that are driving and sustaining the system in the first place. Once these driving forces are unveiled, a remedy can then be intentionally applied to it, until it eventually replaces the undesired. This is how separation begins to be coaxed into connection.

What Yeshua taught was love, plain and simple. This was the kingdom of God he demonstrated. He knew that if the hearts of people could be softened and turned toward one another, the harmful problems that caused such separation would be realized and begin to naturally sort themselves out over time. He also knew he would not see immediate results; it would be an ongoing process over long periods of time.

When people are in the same boat, the differences between you and me, us and them begin to blur and disappear. The differences between God and human begin to blur and disappear. How can you harm someone you are face to face with on common ground? Yeshua taught that to love and protect others the way one would love and protect oneself or one’s closest family members summed up all the hundreds of laws and rules and rituals they had been trying to live up to, to assure they were good people.

Though he did not agree with or approve of many of the circumstances of the time, it was ultimately not the physical suffering he aimed to change, but the suffering created by their separation from God, from each other—from love: the love that is God. The love that is everything. He knew if they could find and begin living as the boundless love that is the energy of God, their connection and unity with each other and all things would also be reestablished, saving them from the hell of the suffering they endured. Except in the case of A Christmas Carol‘s Ebenezer Scrooge, change like this rarely happens immediately—it requires far-sighted effort and patience.

Yeshua did not recommend or direct anyone to rebel against the existing system; he only encouraged them toward love, kindness, and unity. Anything else would take care of itself. He knew love spreads, person by person, until it becomes an unshakable movement and begins to uproot the system from the inside out.

As he passed through the crowds that Palm Sunday, the burden of love he felt for each person he saw, each pair of eyes he looked into, overwhelmed him to tears. Like holding on to a prophecy of hope, the desire to ease and help end their suffering is what kept him going, even though he knew what it would do to him.

He was here to be love in this place.

He was here to be God in this place.

He did not come to change the society or the religion—he participated in both completely. He did not intend to create a new religion, especially not one based on himself. He taught to clarify centuries of misunderstandings. He acted only to demonstrate and embody the energy of God in tangible ways that others could see, feel, and recognize in their own spirits as their own source of strength, to show that they, too, can carry it forward, embodying the energy in their own lives.

Some said Yeshua was God come into a body to be with us. Yet he was no more God than they themselves were.

Some said he was only a man, a carpenter who happened to have excellent speaking skills. Yet he was no more just a man than they themselves were.

Both of these mean the same thing: we are all God. 

My dear brothers and sisters, I’m beyond humbled and amazed to announce my new book, The Energy of God, is now available in paperback and Kindle eBook format! Five years in the making, this project has been a major undertaking, taking me under the waves of my own heart, mind, and experience, leaving me eternally changed.

May these words find their way to every perfect place, to every needed hand and heart.

THERE IS A LOVE

that so desires others to be free from suffering that it’s willing to do whatever it takes for that freedom. This love is the mission of the Buddhist bodhisattvas, the actions of the Catholic saints, the selfless acts of countless heroes in myths, books, and movies who help or save the lives of others, often at the cost of their own life or comfort.

Our world around us pressures us to think and act in the same energy it does: discriminate, judge, hate, exclude, reject, fight for our own recognition no matter the cost, and fear anyone and anything different than ourselves.

But every demonstration of the energy of God we have shows that it is a love that loves no matter who, no matter what. It is a love that chooses to love the way the sun shines on both the good and bad without judgment, the way the rain falls on both the kind and unkind without condition.

It’s the sort of love that changes lives.

The energy of God is the free-flowing, unbound freedom to love with abandon. The energy of God is a living, moving, breathing awareness that we live, move, and breathe in. It cannot be fully captured by any set of religious rules or any other sort of regulations—it may find a partial voice and body in a religion or a concept, but it can never be completely embodied within a single box.

Love is a verb, as the old saying goes. Love requires action. Love requires a conduit, a channel.

Where are these channels to come from? How will these channels manifest in this place, in these days?

Are these channels not found in our own hands, in our own feet?

Revisiting the final week in the life of Yeshua—Jesus of Nazareth—THE ENERGY OF GOD is a fresh, modern look at what holy, enlightened love can look like here and now, and what that means for us in our own day and age.

from

Catch the Bird of Heaven,

Lock Him in a cage of gold.

Look again tomorrow

And He will be gone

Lock Him in religion,

Gold and frankincense and myrrh

Carry to His prison,

But He will be gone

All the things that man has made

Cannot hold Him anymore.

Still the Bird is flying as before.

Temple made of marble,

Beak and feather made of gold,

Bell and book and candle

Cannot hold Him anymore.

Still the Bird is flying

As before

—

Beyond these shores

Into the darkness…

Beyond these shores

This boat may sail…

And, if this is the way,

Then there will be

A path across this sea…

And if I sail beyond

The farthest ocean,

Or lose myself in depths below,

Wherever I may go

Your love surrounds me,

For you have been before

Beyond these shores…

Celtic band Iona has been a top-of-my-list favorite for 25 years now. I can see how their music and lyrics have helped shape me both creatively and spiritually—a key part of my journey, and no mistake or coincidence at all. [ LMT ]

My dear brothers and sisters,

May undeserved kindness be shown to you, and may you reach a peace of mind that surpasses all logic and reason. I wish these for you beyond all things, for I know you have been doing your absolute best in this world that seems to have gone mad with all manner of violence and hatefulness. You have not given up, despite your endless difficulties, and you hold your eyes to the things that remain beautiful even in the midst of these terrible times. You yourselves are in fact these things of beauty, undefeated by the world around you, insistent on shining in your beauty and your faith that this world is still a beautiful place to be, despite some outward appearances.

Hear me when I say now that you have encouraged me, even in times you thought it was only I encouraging you. All things are created with two reflections. What shines on one, shines on the other, and what is dimmed in one, dims in the other. We know this is true from the things we have seen when we were together. And I long to be together with you once again. I have every hope that this will happen, and I hold on to this hope as one of the beautiful things in this place.

My dear ones, please remember when you feel alone and in darkness that there are many others within you who also feel this darkness, just as there are those within you who feel the light and beautiful things. There is a cause for all these, and all these have their times and purposes. There are no accusations for those in darkness, just as there are no accusations for those in light. Know that whatever place you find yourself in is not an island. Know that whatever you need is always present, always within you.

There are those around us who do accuse, and who do mark others with labels and judgments for the purpose of separation. These desire the safety and comfort of existence, just as you yourselves do, but they do not understand that safety and comfort are gifts inside each of us as we understand these things. Have patience with them, and know the place they stand, not from the thinking that your own place is greater or more beautiful, but from the knowledge that you yourselves were once exactly where they are now. Remember the roads you have traveled to reach this place, and the love and encouragement you were shown as you opened your eyes. Love them the same, disregarding the words of others. We follow only the hearts that have developed within us. We know we must continue this way, for we feel the void of separation it creates within these earthly bodies when we do not.

So put love on your lips as a balm, dear brothers and sisters. Let every word from your mouth and every thought from your heart be a kiss of beauty to all creatures and all of creation. Turn nothing away, even the things that disturb your sensitive hearts, for each time you look on these things with the light of your being, you change them. And you are changing this world.

Greet everyone and everything you meet with the love and respect of an intimate family member, as you know that we have all been formed as one family. I and all within me send you love and peace without pause.

May you find joy and encouragement in this, until we communicate again.

I love you.

And so it is.

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I

have

come to this place in my life

I’m full

but

I’ve not satisfied

this

longing to have more of you.

And I

can

feel it, my heart is convinced

I’m

thirsty

my soul can’t be quenched—

you

already know this,

but still

come and do whatever you want to.

I’m standing knee-deep,

but I’m not where I’ve never been.

And I feel you coming,

and I hear your voice on the wind.

Would you come

and

tear down the boxes

that I

have

tried to put you in?

Let Love

come

teach me who you are again.

Would you take

me

back to the place where my heart

was

only about you

and all

I

wanted was just to be with you?

Come and do whatever you want to!

And further and further

my heart moves away from the shore.

Whatever it looks like,

whatever may come,

I am yours.

And further and further

my heart moves away from the shore.

Whatever it looks like,

whatever may come,

I am yours.

Then you crash

over me,

and I’ve lost control

but I’m free.

I’m going under—

I’m in over my head!

Then you crash over me,

and that’s where you want me to be.

I’m going under!

I’m in over my head:

Whether I sink,

whether I swim,

it makes no difference when

I’m

beautifully in

over my head…

In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)

Bethel Music

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I THINK I AM figuring out that one of the root longings I feel ever-present deep inside is indeed for community…

I’ve always been—or thought of myself as—solitary, not needing others in order to be me or do what I do. This most likely came from the way I grew up, homeschooled and alone, even as the oldest of nine children. I would often be by myself in my bedroom reading or transcribing sections of what I’d read and loved into notebooks and journals.

I’ve never been very good at talking with people or in front of people, usually realizing things in hindsight like, “Oh! I easily answered all their questions in that conversation, but I didn’t even think to ask the same questions to them in turn!” When speaking, I usually get tangled and jumbled, which feels really constraining when writing comes so clearly and easily for me. Perhaps all these make me a bit socially awkward… or maybe these are common things most people deal with.

As I explored multiple spiritual paths and belief systems over the years, the paths that fostered solitary practitioners always appealed to me, and I thought, “Ah! Yeah! Here’s what I am! This is what I’m like!” But still, every time I heard a choir singing anything from worship music to rock music, or every time I saw videos of flash mobs emerging magically from a crowd to dance or play a symphony in unison, or every time I joined with the crowd themselves in singing a beloved song with the band onstage at a concert—thousands of voices as one voice—my heart leapt within me, and the unity heard, seen, or participated in felt like a piece of Home.

But most of those paths did encourage community, and even stressed the necessity of it and of spending time with other like-minded people. I remember the Buddhist nun whose meditations and classes I was a member of spoke often of how a community and group was needed. At the time, I rejected that part of it, thinking, “No, I don’t believe that—one can go along just fine by themselves. I’m only here to learn and apply what I learn to my own solitary practice.”

And yet another teacher in another path once said that community was not only important, but that it was important to be a part of your local community, your own local culture. They said it’s not very beneficial to go searching other cultures that aren’t your own—everything you need for your path is wherever you are. I think I laughed at that one and put it right out. The culture of my local community is Christian, and I had been steeply raised in that, and had already found that doesn’t work, right?

My experience, however, does find a benefit in absorbing other paths and cultures not your own. For me, participating in other paths and eventually circling back around to again include the traditions I was raised in only enhanced the culture I came from, provided extra layers of understanding of the local paths, and increased my “toolbox” of spiritual rituals and practices. Even studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church as I have been has acted as the most gorgeous stitching, binding all my spiritual quilt pieces together into a beautiful whole. Growing up, I was taught that the Catholic tradition was “bad” and they were all going to hell, but studying Catholicism for myself has revealed Catholics not only have the most magnificently coherent presentation of the Christian faith but also the strongest sense of community and how important it is we are all one Family.

Now, as I become more involved in small groups and classes within the large church my family and I have been attending the last couple years, I am experiencing a full range of emotions, from uncomfortable nervous panic to a fantastic feeling of being an accepted member of a community. Bubbles of worry that I will have nothing to contribute or add to the conversations are popped with unexpected kindness and confirmations, and I seem to be growing used to not only having a community, but being a visible member of the community.

Maybe I’ve safely hidden behind my books and blogs and websites long enough…

Maybe my writings have been on hold waiting for me to round out this sort of balance and realization…

Maybe a new age is beginning.

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I am not Christian.

I am one who will stand with the outcast and the judged

But I am not Christian.

I am one who has to defend the defenseless

But I am not Christian.

I am one who offers my hand to any color height size orientation caste

But I am not Christian.

I am one who speaks against inequality and discrimination

But I am not Christian.

I am one who will not speak slander or gossip

But I am not Christian.

I am one who gives generously with no sense of lack

But I am not Christian.

I am one who acts with kindness regardless if it’s returned

But I am not Christian.

I am one who extends patience and understanding in all things

But I am not Christian.

I am one who prays for all leaders and all followers

But I am not Christian.

I am one who refrains from punitive measures because I am not judge jury executioner

But I am not Christian.

I am one who refuses to condemn you because I am you

But I am not Christian.

I am one who must forgive because that is what God would do

But I am not Christian.

I am one who must extend grace to others because that is what God would do

But I am not Christian.

I am one who must love without condition because that is what God would do

But I am not Christian.

I am not Christian.

I am Christ.

My loved ones, let us devote ourselves to loving one another. Love comes straight from God, and everyone who loves is born of God and truly knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God IS love. No one has ever seen God with human eyes, but if we love one another, we are God in this place, and God’s love has accomplished its mission among us.

You, beloved, are the light in this world. It would be silly to light a lamp and then hide it under a bowl. When someone lights a lamp, they put it on a table or a desk, and the light illumines the entire house. You are like that illuminating light. Let your light shine everywhere you go, that you may illumine creation.

The Kingdom of God is seen in you, for when I was hungry, you fed me. And when I was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. I was alone as a stranger, and you welcomed me into your homes and into your lives. I was naked, and you gave me clothes to wear; I was sick, and you tended to my needs; I was in prison, and you comforted me. And you ask, “When did we find you hungry and give you food? When did we find you thirsty and satisfy your thirst? When did we find you a stranger and welcome you in, or find you naked and clothe you? When did we find you sick and nurse you to health? When did we visit you when you were in prison?” Whenever you did even the least of these kindnesses to a brother or sister you saw hungry or cold, so you did to me. 

i John 4:7-8,12 | Matt. 5:14-16, 25:35-40

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LAST NIGHT, I WENT into a Christian book and supply store to try to find a gift for a couple family members who are getting baptized tomorrow, and the Spirit within me began to grieve.

Every item in there felt hollow, clichéd, fear-based, condescending, or arrogant, whether it was a trinket, a figurine, a wall hanging, or a book. Such a lack of inauthenticity or even the presence of God—which is Love, Grace, Gentleness, Peace—on every shelf brought tears to my eyes and made it difficult to search the next shelf.

Where is the sincerity?

Where is the genuine connection to All That Is?

Where is the Life?

The inspirational day by day calendars were shallow with quotes and Bible verses that inspired no deep calling deeper, and even the daily prayer ones were belittling little prayers of “O how pathetic I am” that encouraged no actual relationship with the Divine. The artwork and statuary were all overly-dramatized scenes and poses that also failed to communicate and remind that we are holders of the Breath of Life. Each book and devotional that seemed promising on the cover opened its pages to reveal more self-loathing, shame-fostering, and endless criticizing judgments that do no good and bring no Light—much less Love—into the Heart. Each one clearly only cultivated fear and darkness, was cranked out to make more money off people, or spewed sugary fluffy abundance-themed promises. The one daily devotional I know is quality and authentic, Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest, had no nice gift-quality copies available in either the classic language version or the modernized language version, but only cheap-looking paperback copies printed crookedly on the paper without respect.

How were any of these things going to be a gift of baptismal congratulations for someone choosing to embody a new and joyful life of Oneness with God?

The Spirit grieves.

I know some people are at this level of things, and I totally realize these things are a stepping stone for them in their journey, and I respect and honor them for that—I do not wish to come across as arrogant or uppity myself by any means… but God my Heart cries out and I pray for a deeper connection and authenticity in these areas…

These things shape and drive my future work…

And the bottom line is LOVE.

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