Tracy Rittmueller's Blog

Tune into “Delicious Stories” on 4th Mondays at 10:40 am on WJON — Listen Live

As a regular segment of “It Matters with Kelly Cordes,” we’ll sharing interesting personal stories behind the wide diversity of food, art, and cultures present in Central Minnesota. Each month a local poet, writer, or artist will bring a cultural/family heritage recipe and a story, poem, or song that complements it. Join us for some deliciousness.

January 23 — I (Tracy Rittmueller) will be sharing a recipe from my German heritage.

Call the St. Cloud library, 320-650-2500 ext 2 to register.

Location:
St Cloud Public Library, Mississippi Room

Date:
December 21, 2022

Call 320-650-2500 ext 2 to register to paint

This article explores stories about what it means not just to survive, but truly live—with the help of kindred-spirit relationships and soul-friends.

“I often puzzle over the nature, structure, and function of friendship in human life,” Maria Papova writes on her labor-of-love website, the marginalian (formerly brainpickings). 

I agree with M. Papova’s opinions, voiced in her article, that intimate, platonic relationships are “indispensable to my own spiritual survival and, I suspect, to that of most human beings.” Have you experienced a friendship that helped your spirit survive debilitating loss and the ensuing confusion and chaos? I have.

I share M. Papova’s concerns around “the commodification of the word ‘friend,’” a practice that makes our relationships transactional. We can resist that impulse. We can imagine a more noble, generous story of human connection.

More noble, generous stories about friendship can counter the trend toward the distortion of what it means to be a friend. When we inflate the meaning of “friend” to include everyone we know, we corrode the meaning of the word. If everyone is our friend, it becomes difficult, perhaps impossible, to commit the necessary time and effort to nurture and sustain our most vital relationships.

Important Questions About True Friendship

These are the important questions I’ve been living into:

If friendships are indispensable to our spiritual survival, then how can we stop cooperating with the economic and political forces whose agendas destabilize authentic, committed relationships? How can we prevent our spiritual diminishment and impoverishment by attending to our life-sustaining friendships? 

How to Be and Dear Edward are Good Coupled Books because in their pairing, they offer a multiplicity of insights into what it means to be devoted to those loveliest incarnations of human connection — our kindred-spirit relationships; and our soul-friends.**  

In their storied-how-to book, How To Be: A Monk and a Journalist Reflect on Living & Dying, Purpose & Prayer, Forgiveness & Friendship, authors Judith Valente and Paul Quenon, OCSO exchange heart-warming letters that reveal how platonic, kindred-spirit relationships can be magnifiers of spirit, enlightening and intensifying our ideal selves. I suggest pairing How to Be with Ann Napolitano’s novel Dear Edward , for a deep dive into how we might generously accept the reality of human fallibility, and how soul-friends, by forgiving us over and over when we fall short of our ideals, help us survive even the most horrific traumas “with our personhood and the friendship intact.” 

In my quarterly column, Good Coupled Books, I pair a spiritual storied-how-to book with a secular work of literature for two reasons:

To break down the division between secular and sacred, which occurs only in our imaginations, in order to restore wholeness where our lives have been fragmented;  And because good coupling generates creative power. 

Storied-how-to books illuminate important ideas that help us not just survive, but truly live. But ideas don’t change us; practice does. Unfortunately, our fears can hinder, and even prevent, us from carrying out our best intentions to be and do better. 

Good literature turns abstract ideas into a compelling narrative, a story that can shelter us from the fears that prevent us from becoming our better selves*. By putting us imaginatively into an experience of surviving-to-thrive, literature endows us with the courage to live more fully, more competently—more dearly. Good literature shows us why we should treasure our lives, the world, and each other.

How To Be and Dear Edward: Good Coupled Books that share 4 Remarkable Parallels: 1– Both How to Be and Dear Edward are a testimony to the old-fashioned act of letter writing as a way to facilitate meaningful, heart-to-heart connection and understanding.

They’re both about letter-writing, which is to say, correspondence. How To Be is the story of a correspondence between a journalist & monk; Dear Edward is the story of a correspondence between the present and the past (in alternating chapters). It can also be read as a correspondence between the living and the dead. 

How To Be and Dear Edward might just inspire you to take up your pen or sit down at your computer to compose an honest-to-goodness letter. Pairing these books reinforces the notion that by attentively reading and responding to letters, we participate in and welcome our transformation. 

2 — While these books tell two very different stories of friendship and community, both of these books’ central friendships highlight a platonic female-and-male relationship. 3 — Both books speak to the same themes: living & dying; purpose & prayer (in the secular language of the novel, prayer becomes the human yearning for the common good), friendship, and forgiveness.4 — Both books center what it means not just to survive, but to be fully alive. 

Both books approach this question, What does it mean not just to survive, but truly live? by bringing the certainty of death to our attention. Knowing death is before us, these authors remind us, is key to illuminating the value of life. 

These are good stories of hope and resilience, not devastating stories of annihilation and despair. These are stories in which, as Gareth Higgins writes in How Not To Be Afraid, “boundless hope and proportionate lament exist alongside finite trouble.”

Quotes from How to Be and Dear Edward Quotes from How to Be, on friendship, kindness, suffering, hope, and timeFriendship … is a face-to-face relationship… I am interested in you for your own sake and you are interested in me for my own sake…[friendship is]a pure, disinterested desire that others be who they are meant to be, and an abiding love even if they fail.In this too-often cruel and fractured world, being kind represents quite a big accomplishment. Suffering can, at best, open us to empathy, to awareness, and to participation in the vast suffering of countless others in the world.Although I continue to hope, I no longer have a clear image of what I am hoping for. We exist in a triune vessel of past, present, and future. All is simultaneous. Quotes from Dear Edward, on truth, sharing stories, the relief that comes when the truth of our trauma is witnessed and believed, and what death teaches us about timeWhere do you go for the truth?…the question feels vast, unspeakable…“Because of what you’ve survived…people want to talk to you…. they want to share something extraordinary about themselves because you’ve experienced something extraordinary.“I hated when the nurses told you that you were going to be okay….You are not okay. We are not okay. This is not okay.” … [hearing this] he sits up. He nods his head. And somehow, that statement and that nod loosen and break apart the air between the three of them. There is a not of relief. They have somewhere to start, even if it is the worst place imaginable.”The reality of death teaches us… “not to waste any time. Not to waste any love.”How to Be and Dear Edward are passionate, accurate stories***

These two books represent the complex joyful-sorrowful reality of being human. Of course both of these Good Books are about so much more than friendship. How friendship helps us survive our challenges and traumas is, however, the theme that brought these Good Coupled Books together for me.

I live in a culture obsessed with narrowing everything down to the one thing, and this, too, is an impoverishing impulse I generally resist. My life has been enriched by reading these two book contemplatively, and in tandem. I predict yours will be likewise enriched if you reflect on and savor the wisdom in their pages. 

Sign up for my quarterly newsletter, A Storied Life

4-5 times a year, I will publish resources I have found that empower creativity and transformation, with practices to foster self-compassion, connection, and healing. Click here to subscribe.

Footnotes

* For more about how stories shelter us from our fears, see How Not To Be Afraid: Seven Ways to Live When Everything Seems Terrifying.

** For greater understanding of how calling everyone we know “friend” impoverishes us, with an explanation of the differences between acquaintances, persons we know and like, kindred spirits, and soul friends, see Maria Papova on the concentric circles of human connection, intimacy, and emotional truthfulness. 

***The second book I ever bought in my life about the craft of literature was The Passionate, Accurate Story: Making Your Heart’s Truth into Literature, by Carole Bly, Milkweed Editions, 1990. I read it cover-to-cover twice, and barely understood its meaning because I was only 28 and terrified of my heart’s truth. The first book I bought on the craft of literature was The Discovery of Poetry by Frances Mayes, Harcourt College Publishers, 1987.

Do you sometimes wonder whether we humans, as individuals and as a species, will ever manage to stop deceiving and warring? I do. And I’ve learned that if we long for peace and justice, we have a responsibility to start by changing our belief that violence and force could ever work to create and keep the peace. But, are we capable of imagining, and then are we capable of becoming the kind of people who tell and “live in a story that is both more true and more hopeful”? (Gareth Higgins)

I believe it’s possible.

You and I, good reader can commit to the work of imagining and creating a better story about who we are and who we want to be to each other. We can tell and live a better story.

As the founding director of Lyricality, an arts organization with a mission to foster the art of empathy through poetry and story, I have been working in community to build our capacity to tell better stories. As a writer, I have been working on my own story, searching for the way to tell it that creates the possibility of finding peace while living with and caring for a spouse who has been radically changed by dementia. To support our quest for a better way of being, in service of the common good, I am sharing books that I have found transformational. I’m coupling them because coupling, even when it becomes hard, can be indescribably beautiful.

What are good coupled books?

Good coupled books is a blog series where I (Tracy Rittmueller) pair an imaginative work of literature with a contemporary “storied-how-to” book with a focus on creating meaning, connection, and healing.

What is the purpose of good coupled books?

Inspired by Gareth Higgins life-changing book How Not to Be Afraid: Seven Ways To Live When Everything Seems Terrifying, I will be pairing good coupled books ”to help us discover [and accept] a more complex [truthful] story in which boundless hope and proportionate lament exist alongside finite trouble.” 

What is a storied-how-to book?

Storied-how-to books are not the kind of self-help books that perpetuate toxic optimism and reinforce the harmful delusion that we can and ought to control our lives. I like Kathleen Norris’s explanation for the kind of book I call a “storied-how-to.” Referring to Gareth Higgins’ book, the inspiration behind this series, she writes about “a gentle, open invitation, full of hospitable storytelling that allows us to find ourselves in its pages. As we read…we are challenged to reflect on our own fears and to imagine a way to a better self, a better story” (in her forward to How Not To Be Afraid).

Why pair a storied-how-to book with a work of literature?

In addition to the the simplest and possibly most valid answer—why not?—and besides that it’s fun, when I find a storied-how-to book I really love, I’ll tell you about it, and pair it with a work of imaginative literature. Good coupling generates creative power. And story helps us transform abstract ideas into imagined and then lived experience. 

I am not alone in believing that reading imaginative literature (works that lead us into the world of beautiful metaphor) initiates and fosters the changing of our hearts, minds, and lives. If you wish to dig into the link between literature and transformation, follow the links below (there’s a dash of poetry in that…into the link / follow the links–ha-ha!)

The why for readers who want the psychology

For readers who want the psychology behind it: this Psychology Today article points out that reading fiction can help increase cognitive empathy and teach us about ourselves.

The why in a 5-minute video

For viewers who want a 5-minute A/V British philosopher Alain de Botton with The School of Life discusses why we should we spend our time reading novels and poems when, out there, big things are going on.

The why for delvers and scholars

For those who want to go deep into why, this book, Literature and Transformation: A Narrative Study of Life-Changing Reading Experiences, claims to uncover the relationships between life-crises, being moved by literature and transformation of the self.

What is the first pairing of Good Couple Books and where can I find it?

The First Pairing of Good Coupled Books: How Not To Be Afraid by Gareth Higgins with I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith will appear here on my blog on healing any day now.

In my blog on healing, I glean from perennial wisdom traditions to offer stories, poems, and spiritual practices to foster contemplative reading and writing as a way to nurture a sacred way of life. To learn more about me, check out my home page.

To accept life as it is, we must accept the inevitability of change

When the love-of-my-life spouse and soul mate was diagnosed with dementia-related mild Neuro-Cognitive Disorder (mNCD), it felt like life had sucker-punched me. For months I felt disoriented and breathless, like a non swimmer tossed overboard in the middle of an ocean. And then, with the elation of a ship-wrecked soul when a rope ladder descends from a hovering helicopter, I climbed my way into the loving embrace of the Sisters and Oblates (associates) of Saint Benedict’s monastery. I had found my spiritual home.

In those days, the words “spiritual home” were, for me, synonymous with heaven. And for a while I imagined I had arrived in an other-worldly place. Falling in love is like that. When we’re giddy on happy-hormones, we don’t notice that everything is not, in fact, entirely rosy. In the same way I had fallen in love with him nearly 25 years earlier, I was swept off my feet by the Benedictine way of life. I found a monastery full of soul mates–nearly 200 Sisters and 400 Oblates. And then in December, 2018, a McKnight Foundation grant from the Central Minnesota Arts Board allowed me to set up a Scholar’s office (in Studium) at the monastery to research and write about the habits common to poets and monastics. My first day there, I practically floated from my silent office to the Oratory, where I joined the community in the midday prayers of The Divine Office. It seemed as if blissfully quiet angel-wings of beauty and hope were carrying me.

After prayers, I joined the Sisters for lunch in their dining room, where Sister Mary Rachael asked what I was working on. I told her I was writing a series of essays about how practices common to monastics and poets give our lives meaning. When I said I was going to call my collection Book of Transformations, she grasped both my hands, looked compassionately through the windows of my eyes into the depths of my soul, and tenderly spoke words that sounded like a funeral condolence.

“Oh,” she said. “So you’ll be going through transformation, too. I’ll be praying for you.”

It was a deer-caught-in-the-headlights moment. Coming to the monastery had not brought me to a place of living happily-ever-after.

But why was I surprised to realize that the work of exploring transformation would inevitably transform me? I had, after all, chosen my title from a line in Stanley Kunitz’s poem, “The Layers,” which ends with the words, “I am not done with my changes.”  To live deeply, meaningfully, and truthfully, the poem seems to be saying, is to accept that life–and we who dwell within is circle–are endlessly changing.

Stanley Kunitz Reads “The Layers”

Sigh. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… To accept life as it is, is to accept that I am not done with my changes.

Thinking I can control life makes it hard for me to accept change. Admitting my need for change requires an inner acknowledgement that I might have been wrong–I could been kinder, more patient, more loving. And that admission is painful. I also cling to a persistent fantasy that someday soon I will reach that happily-ever-after place in my story. But, the truth is, life is no fairy tale.

My book has gone through many transformations, too. I’m finally in the final phases of editing, and I hope to be sharing publication information about Duties of the Spirit: Personhood in a Marriage Transformed by Dementia with you soon.

a poem about the difficulty of accepting the reality of change

As the following poem points out, the truth that we must not only accept change, but also accept our own need to change, is uncomfortable. And human nature tends to see discomfort as a pain to be avoided.

The Wayfarer, by Stephen Crane**

The wayfarer,
Perceiving the pathway to truth,
Was struck with astonishment.
It was thickly grown with weeds.
“Ha,” he said,
“I see that none has passed here
In a long time.”
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
“Well,” he mumbled at last,
“Doubtless there are other roads.”

a practice to encourage change-adaptability: Light a Candle

In his book Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer, Brother David Steindl-Rast explains that lighting a candle can be an act of prayer. To to begin, gather a candle, a match and striker, and find a dark place where you can be alone for five minutes with your candle.

Take a moment to settle into your body by breathing slowly. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat. Now strike the match, noticing the sound of friction, the smell of chemical reaction.

Pay attention to the flame you’ve kindled, how it grows when the match and wick touch, how it diminishes when you pull the match away. See the smoke rise when you extinguish the match. Notice how the melting wax rekindles the flame. See how the flame of the candle changes the atmosphere of the room–warming the space with light and heat.

Sit with the candle for a few minutes, welcoming the light. Then sit for a few minutes after you extinguish the candle, welcoming the darkness. Say or think, “I welcome changes because to live is to grow, and to grow is to change.”

Perhaps the first step in opening to transformation (in becoming change-adaptable) is to be grateful for life.

Sign up for my quarterly newsletter, A Storied Life

4-5 times a year, I will publish resources I have found that empower creativity and transformation, with practices to foster self-compassion, connection, and healing. Click here to subscribe.

**The poem "The Wayfarer" by Stephen Crane is in the public domain.

In these monthly reflections I glean from perennial wisdom traditions to offer stories, poems, and spiritual practices to nurture a sacred way of life. My theme for 2021-2022 is Transformation. To learn more about me, check out my home page.

a story about why change is scary

When the love-of-my-life spouse and soul mate was diagnosed with dementia-related mild Neuro-Cognitive Disorder (mNCD), it felt like life had sucker-punched me. For months I felt disoriented and breathless, like a non swimmer tossed overboard in the middle of an ocean. And then, with the elation of a ship-wrecked soul when a rope ladder descends from a hovering helicopter, I climbed my way into the loving embrace of the Sisters and Oblates (associates) of Saint Benedict’s monastery. I had found my spiritual home.

In those days, the words “spiritual home” were, for me, synonymous with heaven. And for a while I imagined I had arrived in an other-worldly place. Falling in love is like that. When we’re giddy on happy-hormones, we don’t notice that everything is not, in fact, entirely rosy. In the same way I had fallen in love with him nearly 25 years earlier, I was swept off my feet by the Benedictine way of life. I found a monastery full of soul mates–nearly 200 Sisters and 400 Oblates. And then in December, 2018, a McKnight Foundation grant from the Central Minnesota Arts Board allowed me to set up a Scholar’s office (in Studium) at the monastery to research and write about the habits common to poets and monastics. My first day there, I practically floated from my silent office to the Oratory, where I joined the community in the midday prayers of The Divine Office. It seemed as if blissfully quiet angel-wings of beauty and hope were carrying me.

After prayers, I joined the Sisters for lunch in their dining room, where Sister Mary Rachael asked what I was working on. I told her I was writing a series of essays about how practices common to monastics and poets give our lives meaning. When I said I was going to call my collection Book of Transformations, she grasped both my hands, looked compassionately through the windows of my eyes into the depths of my soul, and tenderly spoke words that sounded like a funeral condolence.

“Oh,” she said. “So you’ll be going through transformation, too. I’ll be praying for you.”

It was a deer-caught-in-the-headlights moment. Coming to the monastery had not brought me to a place of living happily-ever-after.

But why was I surprised to realize that the work of exploring transformation would inevitably transform me? I had, after all, chosen my title from a line in Stanley Kunitz’s poem, “The Layers,” which ends with the words, “I am not done with my changes.”  To live deeply, meaningfully, and truthfully, the poem seems to be saying, is to accept that life–and we who dwell within is circle–are endlessly changing.

Sigh. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… To accept life as it is, is to accept that I am not done with my changes.

Thinking I can control life makes it hard for me to accept change. Admitting my need for change requires an inner acknowledgement that I might have been wrong–I could been kinder, more patient, more loving. And that admission is painful. I also cling to a persistent fantasy that someday soon I will reach that happily-ever-after place in my story. But, the truth is, life is no fairy tale.

As the following poem points out, truth is uncomfortable. And human nature tends to see discomfort as a pain to be avoided.

a poem about why it’s so hard for people to accept changeHow to read meditatively in the style of Sacred, Prayerful Reading
(how to practice Lectio Divina).1. Read in a “listening” way for a word or phrase that captures your attention. Gently repeat it.2. Reflect on why this captured your attention. Write down your thoughts, doodle, explore.
3. Respond to the phrase with gratitude, or ask a question, or offer a prayer.
4. Rest in the presence of God (Spirit) and imagine yourself opening to deeper meanings, the way a flower blossoms to receive sunlight. The Wayfarer, by Stephen Crane**

The wayfarer,
Perceiving the pathway to truth,
Was struck with astonishment.
It was thickly grown with weeds.
“Ha,” he said,
“I see that none has passed here
In a long time.”
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
“Well,” he mumbled at last,
“Doubtless there are other roads.”

a practice to encourage change-adaptability: Light a Candle.

In his book Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer, Brother David Steindl-Rast explains that lighting a candle can be an act of prayer. To to begin, gather a candle, a match and striker, and find a dark place where you can be alone for five minutes with your candle.

Take a moment to settle into your body by breathing slowly. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat. Now strike the match, noticing the sound of friction, the smell of chemical reaction.

Pay attention to the flame you’ve kindled, how it grows when the match and wick touch, how it diminishes when you pull the match away. See the smoke rise when you extinguish the match. Notice how the melting wax rekindles the flame. See how the flame of the candle changes the atmosphere of the room–warming the space with light and heat.

Sit with the candle for a few minutes, welcoming the light. Then sit for a few minutes after you extinguish the candle, welcoming the darkness. Say or think, “I welcome changes because to live is to grow, and to grow is to change.”

Be grateful for life.

***

May our stories, poems, and practices increase caring, grow resilience, and inspire hope.

Get my monthly reflections, and let me help you nurture a sacred way of life.

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function ml_webform_success_4006453(){var r=ml_jQuery||jQuery;r(".ml-subscribe-form-4006453 .row-success").show(),r(".ml-subscribe-form-4006453 .row-form").hide()}**The poem "The Wayfarer" by Stephen Crane is in the public domain.

In these monthly reflections I glean from perennial wisdom traditions to offer stories, poems, and spiritual practices to nurture a sacred way of life. My theme for 2021-2022 is Transformation. To learn more about me, check out my home page.

a story about why change is scary

When the love-of-my-life spouse and soul mate was diagnosed with dementia-related mild Neuro-Cognitive Disorder (mNCD), it felt like life had sucker-punched me. For months I felt disoriented and breathless, like a non swimmer tossed overboard in the middle of an ocean. And then, with the elation of a ship-wrecked soul when a rope ladder descends from a hovering helicopter, I climbed my way into the loving embrace of the Sisters and Oblates (associates) of Saint Benedict’s monastery. I had found my spiritual home.

In those days, the words “spiritual home” were, for me, synonymous with heaven. And for a while I imagined I had arrived in an other-worldly. Falling in love is like that. When we’re giddy on happy-hormones, we don’t notice that everything is not, in fact, entirely rosy. In the same way I fallen in love with him nearly 25 years earlier, I was swept off my feet by the Benedictine way of life. I found a monastery full of soul mates–nearly 200 Sisters and 400 Oblates. And then in December, 2018, a McKnight Foundation grant from the Central Minnesota Arts Board allowed me to set up a Scholar’s office at the monastery to research and write about the habits common to poets and monastics. My first day there, I practically floated from my silent office to the Oratory, where I joined the community in the midday prayers of The Divine Office, as if blissfully quiet angel-wings of beauty and hope had carried me there.

After prayers, I joined the Sisters for lunch in their dining room, Sister Mary Rachael asked what I was working on. I told her I was writing a series of essays about how practices common to monastics and poets give our lives meaning. When I said I was going to call my collection Book of Transformations, she grasped both my hands, looked compassionately through the windows of my eyes into the depths of my soul, and tenderly spoke words that sounded like a funeral condolence.

“Oh,” she said. “So you’ll be going through transformation, too. I’ll be praying for you.”

It was a deer-caught-in-the-headlights moment. Coming to the monastery had not brought me to a place of living happily-ever-after.

But why was I surprised to realize that the work of exploring transformation would inevitably transform me? I had, after all, chosen my title from a line in Stanley Kunitz’s poem, “The Layers,” which ends with the words, “I am not done with my changes.”  To live deeply, meaningfully, and truthfully, the poem seems to be saying, is to accept that life–and we who dwell within is circle–are endlessly changing.

Sigh. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change… To accept life as it is, is to accept that I am not done with my changes.

Thinking I can control life makes it hard for me to accept change. And it’s painful to admit my need for change, because that requires I might have been wrong, that I could been kinder, more patient, more loving. I also cling to a persistent fantasy that someday soon I will reach that happily-ever-after place in my story. But, the truth is, life is no fairy tale.

As the following poem points out, truth is uncomfortable. And human nature tends to see discomfort as a pain to be avoided.

a poem about why it’s so hard for people to accept changeThe Wayfarer, by Stephen Crane**

The wayfarer,
Perceiving the pathway to truth,
Was struck with astonishment.
It was thickly grown with weeds.
“Ha,” he said,
“I see that none has passed here
In a long time.”
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
“Well,” he mumbled at last,
“Doubtless there are other roads.”

a practice to encourage change-adaptability: Light a Candle.

In his book Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer, Brother David Steindl-Rast explains that lighting a candle can be an act of prayer. To to begin, gather a candle, a match and striker, and find a dark place where you can be alone for five minutes with your candle.

Take a moment to settle into your body by breathing slowly. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Repeat. Now strike the match, noticing the sound of friction, the smell of chemical reaction.

Pay attention to the flame you’ve kindled, how it grows when the match and wick touch, how it diminishes when you pull the match away. See the smoke rise when you extinguish the match. Notice how the melting wax rekindles the flame. See how the flame of the candle changes the atmosphere of the room–warming the space with light and heat.

Sit with the candle for a few minutes, welcoming the light. Then sit for a few minutes after you extinguish the candle, welcoming the darkness. Say or think, “I welcome changes because to live is to grow, and to grow is to change.”

Be grateful for life.

***

May our stories, poems, and practices increase caring, grow resilience, and inspire hope.

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function ml_webform_success_4006453(){var r=ml_jQuery||jQuery;r(".ml-subscribe-form-4006453 .row-success").show(),r(".ml-subscribe-form-4006453 .row-form").hide()}**The poem "The Wayfarer" by Stephen Crane is in the public domain.

This article will:
* Explain why making a retreat can be a positive, life-transforming experience;
* Provide details about 5 upcoming pandemic-safe retreats for seekers, oblates, and anyone seeking to nurture a sacred way of life (4 visual retreats + 1 stay-at-home, ebook-guided retreat);
* Offer help for deciding which retreat is best for you through a link to an article I wrote earlier, “Listen with the ear of your heart to make up your mind: a Benedictine process for spiritual discernment.”Why make a retreat? Retreats Nurture a Sacred Way of Life

If you’re looking for rest and renewal, a chance to get away, a break from the ordinary schedule, time to do what you want, or the chance to explore new perspectives—you might take a vacation. Yet all too often, people come back from vacation having experienced fun, togetherness, adventure (and probably a fair amount of frustration). And they’re exhausted. The planning, packing, going, doing, returning, unpacking, and jumping back into the same old routine took tremendous energy and a lot of money. Where was the rest and renewal, the sense that something important happened to make daily life look different–more doable and meaningful? And these days, with the pandemic still threatening our safety, taking a vacation may be entirely out of the question.

So we amuse ourselves with entertainments–games, shows, hobbies. Entertainment distracts us from our problems, concerns, hurts, and discomforts. But entertainment rarely enriches our relationships or helps us build meaningful, creative lives. Does entertainment enable us grow into better people? Usually not.  

If you’re looking for the benefits you want from a vacation without the exhaustion, or the escape you seek from entertainment, you might choose to make a retreat. Paradoxically, a retreat is significantly less expensive than most vacations, but provides more rest, renewal, and opportunity for coming back to our daily lives transformed. Retreats have helped me create a life I don’t want to escape from, but instead, want to live fully immersed within.  

Spiritual retreats offer all of the best things we want from entertainment or vacation, and more. Retreats provide rest and relaxation, an oasis for your spirit, a place to hear what you really think, time and space to get touch with the secrets of your heart, where you will find something larger than yourself (a higher power, or God) waiting there to love you and guide you. Making a retreat allows you to listen to your inner wisdom. It gives your mind time to explore new perspectives. It can also inspire and equip you to reframe your life to include daily soul-nurturing spaces. 

If you’re open to spiritual transformation or want to nurture a sacred way of life, I recommend these 4 upcoming online / virtual retreats.

4 excellent online / virtual spiritual retreats

I personally know all of these retreat facilitators. Through Saint Benedict’s Monastery, where my husband and I are oblates, I have experienced generous, open-hearted hospitality from these guides. I have benefited from their wisdom, and I have witnessed their compassion and reverence for every individual’s spiritual journey. I am privileged to call all of these facilitators my friends–but I am not sharing these retreats as a favor to them. Instead, this is my gift to you. These people have richly blessed my life, and I am confident that if you choose to make a retreat with them, your life will be spiritually enriched.

About the acronyms: OSB means Order of Saint Benedict and indicates the person is a professed Benedictine nun or monk. OblSB stands for Oblate of Saint Benedict.

1) Being Benedictine in the New Normal a 3-week Monasteries of the Heart e-course with Judith Valente, OblSB
cost: $20
February 1-19, 2021
Recommended for: people who want online forum interaction with a large, international community of like-minded seekers/learners;
those seeking practical help in incorporating and maintaining Benedictine spiritual practices in daily life.
Commitment: flexible, between 5 and 9 or more hours spread over 3 weeks, with up to six months to complete the readings.

Judith Valente is an award-winning author, poet and journalist and Oblate of Mount St. Scholastica Monastery in Atchison, KS. She is a former staff writer for The Wall Street Journal and on-air religion correspondent for PBS-TV. She is the author of several spirituality titles, including How to Live: What The Rule of St. Benedict Teaches Us about Happiness, Meaning and Community; Atchison Blue: A Search for Silence, A Spiritual Home and A Living Faith; and The Art of Pausing: Meditations for the Overworked and Overwhelmed, as well as two collections of poetry.

This e-Course is offered by Monasteries of the Heart, an online community of 10,000 international members who receive formation in the core elements of monastic life—prayer, lectio (sacred reading), good works, study and community—through a website created and managed by members of the Benedictine Sisters of Erie, PA. According to their recent announcement, participants in this retreat will explore the essential spiritual questions of our time: how do we nurture our inner-monks, while being distanced from our monasteries and spiritual communities? How do we incorporate Benedictine values into the particular challenges of our “new normal”? Topics include: The Gift of Stability, A 21st Century Vision of Community, Re-Imagining Hospitality, and more. Judith brings a heartfelt passion for the timeless value of Benedictine practices, tempered by a busy journalist’s acceptance of the reality of life, to all her retreats and courses. She has modeled for me a balanced and practical way to increase my awareness of life’s sacred moments, while offering real help in the battle against perfectionism and discouragement.

You will receive 3 emails a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, with new content to explore and respond to. Additionally, you will have access to eCourse content for six months after it concludes. To register, please visit this course webpage or contact Katie Gordon at info@monasteriesoftheheart.org.

Note: A free membership account is required at Monasteries of the Heart to register.

Learn more about Judith Valente on her website: https://www.judithvalente.com/2) Walking inside yourself: a winter solitude a 1-day Cloister Seminars zoom retreat with Drs. Almut Furchert and Chuck Huff, OblSB
Pay What You Can
Saturday, February 20, 2021 10 AM – 4 PM
Recommended for: those with a deep love for learning and profound desire for the Sacred;
people who love poetry, classical music, and thoughtful conversation;
those facing transitions due to birth, death, illness; marriage, divorce or break-up, job loss or retirement.
Commitment: fixed, 6 hours.

Almut and Chuck are married scholars who provide Cloister Seminars as an online platform “which hopes to provide a breathing space for fellow seekers.” They seek to “cultivate, deepen and share our interest in wisdom traditions and teachings across ages and continents; …facilitate the dialogue between mind and heart, and….explore together how the contemplative life and contemplating life can sustain and replenish our soul’s journey.”

Almut Furchert, Ph.D. holds graduate degrees in philosophy of religion (Dr. phil.), psychology (Dipl. Psych.) and adult education from German universities. Chuck Huff, Ph.D. is a professor of social psychology at Saint Olaf College, MN, with extensive study in philosophy and religion. They both “are committed to an open minded search for a lived truth in a deeper self, and have made the Benedictine monastic tradition our spiritual home (while still cherishing our protestant, and ecumenical heritage and interfaith interests).” 

They tell me “this winter solitude day will be structured by guided practices for personal reflection, sustained by the poetry of writers such as Rilke, Kierkegaard and others to guide you into a time of solitude and reflection of what has been and what is yet to come.” I have participated in many of their online retreats, and every time have experienced a healing, comforting, and liberating personal encounter with timeless Wisdom, always leading to an ever-deepening love for learning, and an acceptance of the birth-pains associated with growth. Almut and Chuck embody the beauty and joy of philosophia (the Greek word for philosophy) and bring authentic, Benedictine humility to the sharing of their scholarship.

Use the form on this page to reserve your space before Feb 1.

Learn more about Drs Almut Furchert, Chuck Huff, and Cloister Seminars at www.cloisterseminars.org3) Among the Ashes: an Ash Wednesday Morning of Reflection a Spirituality Center | Studium virtual retreat with Jessie Bazan, OblSB
fee: $40
Ash Wednesday, February 17, 9-11:30 AM
Recommended for: busy people with limited time;
those interested in making Ash Wednesday personally meaningful while connecting with other seekers in real time;
people who want to hear from a feminist, millennial theologian.
Commitment: fixed, 2.5 hours.

Jessie Bazan, M.Div., helps Christians explore their life callings in her work with the Collegeville Institute for Ecumenical and Cultural Research. She is editor and coauthor of Dear Joan Chittister: Conversations with Women in the Church (Twenty-Third Publications) and a columnist for U.S. Catholic magazine.

Jessie will set the theme for the Ash Wednesday reflection, leading participants into off-screen reflection time. The retreat ends with a final time of sharing and prayer. My conversations with Jessie have shown me her attentive, listening heart. I am confident this short retreat will help participants embrace the challenges of Lenten journeying–through woundedness to healing. As a fellow pilgrim on this journey, Jessie embodies a commitment to truth, revealed through transparency, authenticity, and integrity.

Register with the Spirituality Center | Studium at Saint Benedict’s Monastery.

4) Sacred Pause Lenten Prayer 6 weekly virtual gatherings through the Spirituality Center | Studium virtual with Mary Catherine Holicky, OSB and Eunice Antony, OSB
fee: $50 for all 6 sessions
Thursdays, February 18, 25, March 4, 11, 18, 25, 11:30 – 12:45 AM
Recommended for: people who want to learn or deepen the practice of lectio divina (prayerful reading);
those interested in meeting in real time with a small cohort of seekers to create mutual trust and reverence;
liturgically-minded Christians who would like professional spiritual companionship (spiritual director) during an open-hearted, thoughtful, scriptural journey through the six weeks of Lent.
Commitment: fixed, 1.25 hours weekly without spiritual companionship, 1.75 hours weekly with companionship, for 6 weeks (7.5 – 10.5 hours total).

Saint Benedict’s Monastery website says that Eunice Antony, OSB is “a woman of the world who brings hope and joy to the reign of God’s love.” Currently she serves as co-Director of the Spirituality Center at the monastery with Mary Catherine Holicky, OSB.

This virtual retreat will gather participants to share common prayer of lectio divina (prayerful reading) using the Gospels of the Sundays of Lent. The program includes an optional 30-minute meeting with a sister companion via Zoom each week during Lent. I have participated in a number of day-long “Spiritual R&R” retreats facilitated by Sisters Mary Catherine and Eunice. Their practical wisdom has counseled me through difficult days, and the presence of their considerate compassion in my life strengthens me to be kinder to myself and others.

Limit: 8 participants. Register with the Spirituality Center | Studium at Saint Benedict’s Monastery.

5) Songs of Earth and Sky a 9-hour writing retreat guide to integrate body, mind, and spirit by Tracy Rittmueller, OblSB
Free
Recommended for: people who want to develop or strengthen a journaling/writing practice;
those interested in finding new ways to hear their inner wisdom / intuition, to “go with the flow”;
people who want to let go of the delusion that we can control life.
Commitment: 9 hours or more, very flexible. Make this a 3-day intensive retreat and commit 1 hour each morning, afternoon, and evening. You could also set aside one day a week for 3 weeks, or 1 hour a week for 9 weeks. Create a personalized schedule to suit your life.

My practices of spirituality and poetry are inseparable practices. Together they serve to get me to that place of my destiny, which the poet Dorothea Lasky calls “the great love affair between the self and the universal.” I wrote this retreat as a gift to you, to help you connect more deeply to your self, which will naturally open your awareness to all the love in and around you.

The aim of this 3-day retreat is to help us navigate our lives by intuition, instead of by the misguided delusion that we control exactly where we’re going and when we’ll arrive. We will trace some patterns to help us locate and recognize interconnections. We will peer into the chaos—that vast scattering of innumerable stars in our own visible sky—to see unique objects and life forms. We will inhabit the questions, instead of thinking we know all the answers. Above all, we will listen, because listening is one of the finest expressions of love, the source of being.

Download your free copy of Songs of Earth and Sky here. Too many choices? How to decide if a retreat is right for you now, and if yes, which one.

Many intersecting practices and values contribute to a Benedictine way of life, all working like the threads of a tapestry to make the whole picture. The Benedictine life teaches us to stay calm and to bring peace to our environment and relationships. Overcommitment undermines peace. Trying to do or have it all brings unnecessary stress in our life and negatively effects our relationships.

I’d like to participate in all of these retreats. But, that wouldn’t be wise. If you aren’t clear on which upcoming retreat is right for you (if any are), and which seemingly great opportunities to forgo, maybe this little guide for spiritual discernment will be helpful:

Read: Listen with the ear of your heart to make up your mind: a Benedictine process for spiritual discernment

This article is for spiritual seekers, Benedictine Oblates, anyone seeking to nurture a sacred way of life, and people practicing a 12-step program who want to explore centuries-old wisdom to support Step 11 (about praying for the knowledge of the will of God [Higher Power] and the strength to carry it out.)In this article, principles for the practice of discernment come from the “Statement on the Rule of Discernment in the Lives of American Benedictine Women,” published by the Conference of American Benedictine Prioresses ©2001. I will unpack the following line from that document, to offer a framework in the form of questions that can help us “walk the path of wisdom in total dedication to … the will of God:”“The practice of discernment as a way of life envisioned in the Rule [of Benedict] indicates the subtle interplay of the monastic values of humility, obedience, wisdom, peace, good zeal, and love …”6 Benedictine values to consider when discerning what to do

When facing a decision, it can be helpful to assess how an action or activity might strengthen or weaken the values and commitments that deepen our awareness of the presence of God in our life, in all of life. At the end of this article, the “questions to discover” can illuminate our hidden motives, reveal overly optimistic or pessimistic thinking, and bring clarity so that we may recognize the wiser choice.

Values and practices to support a sacred (and healthy) way of lifeHumility

Benedictine humility is not humiliating. Instead, it is rooted in the paradoxical notion that “you’re part of something bigger.” The author of this New Camaldoli Hermitage blog post explains:

“On the one hand, it makes life simpler because that means I don’t have to understand everything; I don’t have to have all the answers. I just do my part and trust that I am part of a bigger picture, a bigger plan of which I may not see the full scope. On the other hand, it sets the bar higher, because I have to think of something or someone beside myself. I’m part of something bigger.”

In a 12-step program, with every step we must set aside our desire for control, admitting that while we can learn to manage our own reactions to life, we cannot manage life itself. And that is the essence humility.

Obedience (Listening)

“Listen,” is the first word in the Rule of Benedict, a nearly 1500 year old document of wisdom literature that teaches us “a way of walking through the universe whole and holy.”** We are instructed to pay attention, to live consciously, to look for the true meaning or purpose hidden in our own thoughts and feelings, in our encounters with others, and in our moments of awareness of the presence of God.

In a podcast at DiscerningHearts.com from the Missionary Benedictines of Christ the King Priory,  Fr. Mauritius Wilde O.S.B explains that obedience means to listen. Obedience is an act of letting go of the egoistic will for power, popularity, and control. In order to let go, we listen to our deepest, heartfelt yearnings for goodness (God). We listen to others who bring good intentions to support our well being and to help us grow. We let down our defenses and consider a point of view other than our reactionary insistence that we know best. We listen deeply, “with the ear of the heart.”

Wisdom

Wisdom, according to the Serenity prayer (widely attributed to the Protestant theologian Reinhold Niehburh) is knowing the difference between what we cannot change and what we can. We cannot control the workings of the universe. We cannot mange the world and its systems and creatures. We have no power to make other people behave and react the way we want them to. We can, however, manage how care-fully we listen to ourselves and others, and the way we respond to our own thoughts and feelings.

Peace

Peace is found only when violence, injustice, and prejudice are absent. To work effectively for peace, we need to recognize and learn to manage our own stingy, judgmental, mean-spirited, and hateful attitudes and actions. Without doing this internal work of self-acceptance, we will carry our own unhealed wounds into our interactions, where we risk inflicting our pain on others.

Good Zeal

Good Zeal, as I understand it, is simply being in love with others. When we are in love with people, we willingly and patiently put up with their weaknesses and foibles, choosing to see them in the best light. When we bring that affectionate attitude to our interactions with all the humans–and all life–around us, when we consider whether our actions benefit or harm them, we demonstrate good zeal.

Love

In the quest for living in harmony with others, good zeal is the attitude, and love is the sum of the actions that flow from our willingness to bear with others, to see the best aspects of their nature and their motives.

Discernment questions to discover our motives and presumptions

Having a solid practice of mindful self-compassion helps with this probing and testing, which is something like a biopsy to check for cancerous cells–it can be a bit painful and leave us feeling sore.

To begin this discernment process, you may want to sit silently for a moment and invite God [Higher Power, or whatever/however you understand a being/consciousness bigger and more loving than yourself] to be with you. When I enter this discernment process, I make a conscious decision to bravely open my heart to the truth that I am adept at fooling myself into thinking my motives are pure. And I ask my observer-self to let go of judgement and instead bring a lot of compassion and kindness, while noticing–in a detached way–my own thoughts and feelings.

If you’re still struggling with the habit of coming to quick and harsh judgements, you might want to ask your most compassionate friend or a spiritual companion (director) to listen to your answers to these questions.

To discover whether a proposed action or activity fosters humility, ask:

Am I attracted to this because it bolsters my ambitions?
Do I fear I’m not good enough for this?
Will this put me in an advantageous position to use someone else’s influence to achieve my goals?
Or, will this allow me to collaborate with others in a helpful way, to learn from them, and to see myself as a small part of something bigger, something essentially good?

To discover whether you are listening, ask:

Am I overly attached to my first opinion or reaction?
How does my heart feel about this?
Have I asked important people in my life — my wise guides, mentors, and friends, as well as those who will be affected by my decision — what they think?
Have I listened to them care-fully and well, without shutting my mind in defense of my own point of view?

To discover whether a proposed action or activity is wise, ask:

Do I want to do this because I think it will give me more power or popularity?
Do I secretly hope this action or activity will give me control over someone or something, or make things turn out according to my plan?
How will this open the ear of my heart to my inner truth and/or give me a greater understanding of the joys and sufferings of others?

To discover whether this action or activity will foster peace, ask:

Will participating in this cause me to slack or be sloppy in fulfilling any prior commitments?
Will it interfere with my loved ones’ needs for a fair amount of my time and attention?
Will it make me feel hectic or too busy, which could cause me to speak sharply to someone, ignore them, or make snap decisions or judgements?

To discover whether a proposed action or activity promotes an attitude of good zeal and supports loving actions, ask:

Is this a kind and compassionate thing to do for myself?
How is this likely to improve my ability to see myself, the people I live with, and the people I encounter as wonderfully lovable?
How will this energize me to act without bitterness and resentment, with warmth and generosity, in ways that are self-respecting and respectful of my own needs and the needs of the people I have made commitments to?

How to use these discernment questions

You can journal your answers to these questions, discuss them with a confidante, or doodle them into a prayer-response. I have found that when I engage in this process with courage and with good intentions, I am able to embrace the activities that will bring greater peace, love, and joy into my life, and let go of the things that will not serve a higher good.

A Blessing

May the values of humility, obedience, wisdom, peace, good zeal, and love spiral and grow around us in a subtle, gentle interplay of grace to beautify our living. And may our choices bring us, and all the world around us, ever greater justice and peace.

**(Joan Chittister, The Rule of Benedict: A Spirituality For The 21st Century, @1992,2001 The Crossroad Publishing Company,3).

As 2020 draws to a close, Let’s Cradle Hope

Dear Gentle Readers, 

I invite you to join me in a “silent communion of Christmas pilgrims” in an online retreat hosted by my dear friends, Dr. Almut Furchert and Dr. Chuck Huff, with their beautiful baby daughter Hannah, in a 12-days-of-Christmas guided journey to help us cradle hope. 

This is a journey where seekers like us from around the globe will “take a break from the hustle and bustle, to breathe, and to wonder, guided and sustained by wise women and men before us  (including Mary, Joseph, Meister Eckhart, Hildegard, Rumi, Bonhoeffer, Kierkegaard and others),” Almut explains. 

It is also an individual journey, with built-in flexibility to help us “explore anew what Christmas might mean to each of us, while creating a breathing space for you, guiding you through readings and practices from Holy Night to the threshold of the Old and the New Year and all the way to Epiphany on a quiet interior journey in your own pace and time.” 

Spiritual Gifts to Unwrap

Beginning Christmas Eve at 10:00, and every morning for the 12 days of Christmas at approximately 9 am CST, we will find a new gift to unwrap—a photo and contemplation around a theme to ponder for 3-10 minutes. We can revisit it later if we have time, and even unpack the deeper contemplation, if we want to, each according to our own needs, schedules, and desires. We will make time for gently allowing the hope of Christmas to come to us wherever and however we are.  

We will meet in a virtual space, and as participants we may be mostly silent to each other, but in my experience this is a prayerfully and intuitively facilitated by these two exceptional retreat leaders in real time, creating a sense of true presence. 

“Though we have carefully choreographed the movement of spirit through the 12 Days we do not know the words yet ourselves,” Almut writes. “Since we travel through the 12 Days just as you do, we will write for all of us as the spirit moves us. We hope this ensures that what we offer will be what you need.” 

We’ll Be Together in Spirit

If you are attracted to the timeless wisdom found through the ages in the compositions of Christian / Contemplative philosophers, poets, musicians, and artists, then I encourage you to visit the virtual gathering space of Cloister Seminars . 

Bookmark the link, or if you’d like to receive email notifications in your inbox, subscribe to the retreat newsletter here. 

I look forward to being with you in spirit on this journey. 

God bless us, everyone.



May we all cradle hope during this difficult season,
and may God awe us again this Christmas season
with unexpected and improbable appearances
of Joy, Peace, and Love.



“Sacred Heart Chapel Dome through Gathering Place skylight at Saint Benedict’s Monastery, St. Joseph, MN” ©Almut Furchert, 2017. Used with permission.