Kristopher Ivie's Blog: The AWPHUL Poetry Blog

Okay, so most of us writers don’t have big publishing contracts and aren’t “employed” as writers. We write simply because we enjoy doing it and hope that people will enjoy reading what we’ve written. Without a boss we have free reign over our art form and can write unrestricted. No matter how much we tick you off you can’t get us fired; or can you?

Now it’s true that the vast majority of Indie writers have day jobs, but I don’t recommend attacking someone’s livelihood because you don’t like what they have to say. In fact, that could end up being the catalyst that pushes them into becoming a full time writer. Turning someone into a victim gives them a voice and there will always be those who sympathize no matter how inappropriate their original offense. Some people have figured this out and intentionally offend knowing that any backlash they receive will only help them sell more books.

Firing a writer means getting them to stop writing. If you follow the example of poets you will bully and intimidate your target into submission. Case in point is Valerie Macon who has been viciously smeared by the poetry establishment simply for being “chosen” by a governor instead of a panel of her “fellow” poets. Relentless attacks will certainly make a person question why they are doing something that gains them no praise and no money. Of course that only works if people willingly turn a blind eye to the abuse. The poetry Dung Beetle Society can get away with their CRAP because nobody really cares who is king (or queen) of the dung pile (modern poetry). Attacks against poets can be ignored because nobody likes poetry. I’d happily buy one of Macon’s books out of protest; that is if I could actually find one. The poetry establishment has once again silenced its competition.

Firing the poetry establishment is pretty much impossible because the consumer has already declared poetry dead and refuses to read it. If you start attacking their CRAP (Contemporary Regurgitations Applauded as Poetry) the dung beetles will swarm and defend. It’s not a job, it’s a religious cult. The poets were fired from their jobs a long time ago and created a commune insulated from the outside world. I refuse to be part of that cult so I consider myself part of the Indie community. I call myself the Awphul poet because I refuse to be part of the poetry establishment. It’s not because I think all their poety is bad, but because of the way they treat anything different as bad. I think one of the biggest issues is that poets have taken it upon themselves to decide what is good or bad. In my opinion it is the consumer (the public) who must determine what poetry is good. (One could argue there is no such thing as bad poetry – only differences of opinion)

While I am primarily a poet I have also written some short fiction and have been working on some novels. The problem is that I’m not overly motivated to finish any of them. I have the full time job that sucks most of the life out of me by the time I get off work. I’d be more encouraged to write if people actually showed an interested in my work. Even a 1 star review is more encouraging than knowing that nobody will even download a free copy of a book. If they stopped paying me to come to work I would stop coming to work. Why should I keep writing if no one is going to read it? To fire the Indie writer you need to ignore them into oblivion.

If you truly want a writer to disappear you cannot draw attention to them. Don’t comment about how horrible their plot, grammar, or language is in a book. If it isn’t praise worthy then it isn’t worth complaining about either unless there is something truly offensive or unethical about it. Awphul poetry is so excruciatingly painful to read that it’s a challenge just to get through a whole book. You climb a mountain because it’s there and you read Awphul poetry to satisfy that sadistic side of you that says, “I survived”. Even movies like Sharknado are based on the premise of being so bad that you have to watch it. They’ve done a second movie and are now doing a third. You can’t get rid of an Indie writer by saying bad things about their work.

The only way to truly fire an Indie author is to make sure their work is never seen. Once upon a time it was the publishing houses that filtered out all who they deemed unworthy. Self-publishing and ebooks have changed the rules and put the power into the hands of the consumer. A good writer isn’t enough to get a book noticed in this climate. Luck ends up being one of the biggest factors in who gets read and who doesn’t. This has allowed many Indie authors (myself included) to believe that the reason no one is reading their books is simply bad luck. To fire an Indie author you need to shatter this illusion. Even if you could literally fire an Indie author, I’m pretty sure he or she would say, “You can’t fire me, because I quit!”

Last year a major newspaper asked for political poems for their opinion section. Mine was deemed unworthy, but based on the current immigration crisis I want to give a big fat I told you so. Here is the poem:

The Road Most Traveled

When people think of all the ways
To get to point B from point A
They choose the path of least resistance
And often it’s the shortest distance

All they need is their directions
Guiding them on their procession
An easy road that they can follow
And they will all be here tomorrow

This new highway we will provide
No two way tickets for the ride
All the other roads must now be closed
As all their travelers are deposed

All will take the road most traveled
Pavement soon is crushed to gravel
With no obstacles to change their course
To an all-expenses paid resort

The scenery will fade away
A wider road must now be paved
Occupancy over the limits
With numbers climbing every minute

Point B will soon become point C
As everyone now tries to leave
But none of the other roads remain
And the road most traveled was one way

#

And they now claim that no one saw this coming!

The word awful is often misused. If something doesn’t leave you full of “awe” then it isn’t really awful. The negative connotation associated with it today didn’t always exist. For something to be awful it still needs to be awe inspiring even if in a negative way. Something awful still has an impact. Awphul makes no such promise. By spelling the word differently it promises not to be awe inspiring. In fact it is completely devoid of inspiration or can even be downright depressing. Modern poetry is awful in that it makes you want to hold your nose to avoid its overwhelming stench. Awphul poetry is so much worse that you don’t even want to acknowledge its existence. Chances are that after reading awphul poetry you won’t even be aware of its awphulness. Instead of inspiring you it will simply blur your perception of good and bad. It’s like an anesthetic for your brain. Although there is no scientific data to support this claim (and no implied guaranty) you are 50% less likely to have zombies eat your brain if you read it (although excessive reading of it may result in you becoming a zombie).

Of course this could all just be simple reverse psychology, but if you do buy a book of awphul poetry don’t go complaining about how bad it is (or complain that you actually like it). You can enjoy it in the same way people enjoy the work of William McGonagall. Despite being declared the worst poet of all time his work still sells. In fact his work appears to have sold more copies than today’s icons of poetry based on the rough estimates of books sold that are published. Billy Collins and Mary Oliver combined might be able to match McGonagall’s sales totals, but their popularity is starting to wane while McGonagall’s continues to grow. This is a shame because there are poets out there that are actually talented. I’m excluding poets like Silverstein and Seuss because the poetry demagogues in their ivory towers have gone out of their way to exclude them already.

Perhaps I’m mistaken and awphul poetry is truly inspiring, but that seems unlikely considering I can’t seem to even give away free copies. It’s so terrible that no one will even pick it up to read it. The overwhelming aura of its awphulness drives them away before they’ve even read a single line. The latest collection titled “Orange & More Awphul Poetry” helps demonstrate some of its irrelevance in the very first poem about rhyming the word orange. Who can argue with the pointlessness of lines like:

But I will not lose to citrus
I will make this word my mistress

Or

If no word exists I must explore
To make up one not used before

There are poems ranging from outrage over reality shows to one about flaming marshmallows. A fine example is the following stanza:

We keep on melting like before
We’ll leave the girls just wanting s’more
With chocolate and sheets of gold
Squeeze tight your flaming marshmallows

Oh sure, you might think you’re getting a sweet taste in your mouth, but it’s really just the anesthetic kicking in on your brain. It even openly mocks itself and poetry in general with poems like Contemporary:

It’s psychedelic madness
With the twisting of all
Logical explanation
For no apparent reason


It will even try to drown out your thought with lyrical repetitions like the poem Muse with stanzas like:

See all the things I’ll do for you
Don’t be confused, please be amused
The time you give won’t be abused
All I want is to be your muse

It might claim to want to inspire you, but don’t you believe it. It’s just trying to draw you into its dark pit of despair. Once you’ve been exposed you might find yourself doing the unthinkable; like actually liking poetry (shiver) or actually reading this entire blog post. As horrible as it might seem, awphul poetry won’t be bringing about the apocalypse (any time soon). Something as monumentally uninspired as awphul poetry isn’t going to change the world. It would take something more awful and awesome; something like getting people to actually spend their hard earned money on a poetry ebook.

As an example: For the past week the ebook, “On the Verge of Life, Love, and Lyrics” has been free at Smashwords with the coupon code BK44J (which expired on 12/25/13). A grand total of zero has been downloaded despite my best attempts to spread the word. This poetry offends the intellect so completely that I can’t even give it away.

I know that Goodreads is owned by Amazon and they want you to buy the Kindle, but I personally have a Nook HD+. I'm also aware that I'm not hitting the largest market because my ebooks are not on Amazon yet. That is because I published my books through Smashwords which will distribute to Amazon but only after you've sold something like 2000 copies first. Getting back to the main point of this post: B&N still has brick and mortar stores and the wonderful thing about them is you can get your poetry for free. I took my tablet into their store and they have the option of reading books for free for 1 hour inside their stores. So if you have a Nook and you want some free poetry just head to your local B&N. While you're there please read a book by Kristopher Ivie such as "Orange and More Awphul Poetry". I'm hoping that you'll like it so much that you'll buy the book anyway. That way you can enjoy your favorite poems anywhere and at anytime.

Many debates have been had on whether or not music is poetry. Poetry was originally meant to be spoken or sung. Over time the bard has disappeared and been replaced by the beatnik poets and then slam poets. Despite their efforts it seems that poetry continues to move further and further away from its oral traditions.

Growing up I would often look through the Writer’s magazine and in the back there was always a classified asking poets to submit their work for use in songs. Today’s poetry is hardly suited for song lyrics and there is no shortage of poets who frown upon rhyming or rhythmical poetry. Many are obsessed with the “ghost of meter” and not the actual use of meter. One must wonder if a rhyming poet who uses meter has any place within the modern poetry (dung beetle) society.

Some of the poetry that I write is well suited for music. The line between poetry and music is a fine one. The silence of written words gives readers the ability to “hear” the poem set to their own rhythm. At the same time I could easily turn many of my poems into songs (and I have been experimenting with this possibility). One of these poems is Victims of Circumstance from my ebook On the Verge of Life, Love, and Lyrics. The second stanza is the chorus:

“Attraction felt at every glance
An instant thought of pure romance
Only you don’t have a chance
You’re a victim of your circumstance”

If I had any musical talent beyond my own voice I would find music far more economical than poetry. Music is loved while poetry’s reputation has been damaged. Poetry as music has many merits, but the silence of poetry can also be a virtue. When I asked my wife what she thought about converting poems into song her answer was, “If I hear the song first the words will always follow the song and I would rather read it my own way.” This was somewhat surprising because my wife is not a fan of poetry but loves music. Then I used my poetic skills to parody a popular song and her response was, “this is your best poem yet.”

The resistance between poetry and music is one way. Musicians are willing to embrace poetry, but poets refuse to accept music as poetry. Part of this resistance is based on the fact that most modern poetry cannot be converted to song. Poetry also resists technology, popular culture, and even good grammar. The reason modern poetry resists all these things is because most modern poets are either unwilling to evolve or incapable of it.

A big factor in the decline of the poetry market is its inability to evolve with technology. The lack of meter and inconsistent line lengths makes conversion to e-reader formats nearly impossible for most modern poetry. Music has adapted to the digital age with the selling of singles in digital format. Physical album sales have declined but the consumer now can buy ring tones, videos, and mp3 files. Unlike music, poetry hasn’t embraced this type of thinking. Poetry is still written with ink and paper in mind and isn’t written or formatted for the digital age. My Zazzle store is my second attempt at breaking through this type of thinking (my first attempt would be my ebooks). Greeting cards are fine, but why not put a stanza or two on a t-shirt or shopping bag? Why not have inspirational posters or catchy phrases on tablet cases? This is one way to sell the poetry “singles”.

The failure of poetry only compounds the problem. Modern poetry lacks the market to understand the need for change. Unlike poetry, the music industry has made their product more accessible through technology. It’s true that in the early stages there was a lot of piracy. At first the music industry fought it, but eventually they embraced the technology. Music went from records to 8 tracks to cassettes to CDs and now digital. “Modern” poetry is about 100 years out-of-date and is anything but modern.

Poetry should be embracing music and ebooks. It is the responsibility of the poet to adapt and be relevant to society. Too many poets live in the past while lamenting that people won’t appreciate them until the future. This thinking is as illogical as most modern poetry. If you take a well written poem and combine all the lines into sentences and paragraphs it will still feel and flow like a poem. If you do what many modern poets do and break up a poorly written paragraph into sentence fragments it doesn’t magically turn crap into gold. Poetry and ebooks work fine together when poetry follows a natural pattern. Metered poetry works fine in ebooks. A poem is simply silent music. It flows through the reader’s mind set to their own personal melody. The modern poets will complain that music isn’t poetry and that ebooks aren’t a good medium for publishing their books. The reality is that music and ebooks sell, and the only reason their poetry doesn’t is that nobody but the dung beetles likes “modern” poetry.

I apologize for being so critical of poetry, but it's only because I believe poetry has untapped potential. There should be as many people buying poetry books as people buying compact discs. I'm realistic enough to know that poetry needs to change before the world is willing to embrace it again.

Any aspiring poet will tell you that poetry is a niche market. Selling over one thousand books is a success. You will often hear that poetry best-seller is an oxymoron. That is true if you exclude authors such as Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel), Shel Silverstein, and many who have long been deceased. The poetry market continues to shrink but you can’t blame poetry or even Walt Whitman.

You can’t blame Whitman because he created something that sells. Yes, there were(are) many who criticized his work and called it crap. Some people claim that the modern movement has destroyed poetry. The truth is that poetry has just been rebranded. Crap sells if you market it to dung beetles. Modern poetry has become a literary dung beetle society. If people will pay $100 for a cup of dry roasted cat crap then there will always be a market for “modern” poetry.

The challenge for any poet is to reach his/her audience. It’s easy to sell crap to dung beetles so the steaming pile that is modern poetry keeps being built up. Poetry contests are almost pointless to any writer looking to reach a broader audience. All it takes is a look at the past winners to see that anything remotely main-stream will be rejected by the judges. You can’t blame a dung beetle for loving crap. How many of these contest winners are house-hold names? How many have gone on to be successful (over 10k books sold) authors. Even a poorly written novel has a better chance of success than the “best” book of poetry as determined by the poetry elite.

Selling poetry to anyone but the dung beetle society is no small task. Poetry has effectively been branded as CRAP (Contemporary Regurgitations Applauded as Poetry). People aren’t likely to dig through the dung heap looking for gold even when they believe there is some to be found. There is zero chance of any being found when the world is convinced that none exists. The stench of modern poetry lingers and doesn’t wash off easily.

The few successes that exist have always been poetry branded as something other than poetry. Children’s books still use poetry, but don’t sell as poetry. Seuss and Silverstein are successful because they aren’t viewed as modern poetry. Even some experiments such as Broetry by Brian McGackin have found markets. The reviews are mixed, but the book is doing something most poetry can’t; it sells. Another example of a success is the translations of Rumi, a 13th Century Persian poet. Why is a long dead poet’s work written in another language outselling all American poets? The answer: because he isn’t associated with modern American poetry.

So why does main-stream America view poetry as crap? It has nothing to do with poetry and everything to do with the poets. I recently saw a posting for poetry submissions. When I clicked over, the website looked like it was designed by a 5 year old and the submissions guidelines say, “no ryhming”. What’s “ryhming”? Is this really the level to which modern poetry has fallen? I’ve seen a number of magazines and contests that have stated no doggerel (or light verse) and many have defined doggerel as having no literary value. Really? So Shakespeare (who is well known for his doggerels) has no literary value? Me thinks they doth protest too much.

I do try to play nice with poets, but I also view them as my enemy. I don’t mind that they have their own views on what is good or bad. What bothers me is the nearly insurmountable wall of public opinion that they have built against a once respected literary form. It’s a wall of crap that no one wants to touch. No one needs to fire the poets because the consumer has already accomplished this task. Poetry is relegated to the dank, smelly corner of the bookstore that no one but the dung beetles dare to tread.

When I look at the marketing of AWPHUL poetry it isn’t the AWPHUL that turns people away. I can sell AWPHUL. Selling “poetry” is a much more daunting task.

In closing I should apologize to the actual dung beetle. If they could talk I’d imagine they’d say something like, “Please don’t compare crap and poetry. We don’t want to give crap a bad name.”