T. Kay Browning's Blog

Dear Lord, what a long night.

Mary Jane slowly opened her eyes, with only a slight reproach in her mind for taking the Lord’s name in vane. Although technically, Lord was a title, so did that count?

She rolled over to look at the alarm clock, on which the alarm was rarely set. It was late. The pattern of waking and rising in their family had become more regular over the last few years as the girls got older, they rarely needed an alarm. Judging by how much later Mary Jane was waking up than usual, an alarm probably should have been set.

Mary Jane reached her arm over to wake up Luke. His restlessness and grumpiness had kept everyone up last night, so he would probably have the hardest time getting going today.

Luke wasn’t on his side of the bed, however, a fact she confirmed by rolling over, and for some absurd reason, feeling around his side of the bed, as if he might be tucked in one of the folds of the sheets. Of course, Luke often awoke early to get ready for his classes, but he would usually be sure to wake Mary Jane up if she was sleeping in later than she liked. Her job as a housewife might not have as strict of a schedule as being a high school teacher, but she always felt better getting an early start on the day, otherwise, tasks built up and she got behind and frazzled, as well as having to sacrifice her morning yoga and meditation routine. No wake up call today, however. That, combined with how cold Luke’s side of the bed had felt probably meant that he had some early meeting at the school that he had either not told her about, or that she had forgotten.

Mary Jane listened quietly, after sitting herself upright on the side of the bed. Nothing, except some birds in the yard. Luke could often move through the house silently, but their two girls could not. That meant that Callista, Gaeriel and Akanah were still asleep. As Mary Jane got up and began to move around the room, however, she couldn’t shake the feeling that the house was too cold, too still.

Still, no reason not to try to get ahead on the day’s work. If she could get breakfast ready before the girls got up, maybe she could even get in a shower in peace before the day began in earnest. She smiled, once again struck by the petty concerns that took on such huge import as a stay-at-home parent. When your world almost entirely took place within the same four walls day in and out, your sense of the relative importance of different events began to warp. When was “will I get a shower today or not” become the first thing she thought of in the morning. The first thing after her always mysterious spouse of course. But thinking of the shower sent her down her usual course of envisioning the coming day, the things she had to get done, the things she wanted to get done, and the things she wished would simply take care of themselves, away from her view.

However, this pattern was interrupted when something caught her eye. What had it been. Something about the area near the door to the garage. That was where the “messy counter” was, where the stacked bills and letters that came in, where they charged their cell phones and other devices amidst a tangle of chords to be ready to charge out the door at any moment. They’d invested in a wireless electricity system with a few power stations around the home, but the one near the garage had always been temperamental, and habit had pushed them back to bringing out the old charging chords to take over the counter like a creeping vine. In other words, the area was a mess. Yet something had seemed out of place, or rather missing.

That was it. The keys. The car keys. Luke never drove the car to work. Partly because Mary Jane often needed it for other less predictable errands, but also because Luke loved riding his bike, nostalgia and a sense of environmentalism pushing him out the door on two wheels in all sorts of weather, mostly alone in a community increasingly dependent on an ever-growing number of vehicles on ever widening city streets.

If Luke ever were to take the car, he always discussed it with her beforehand. Was there some conference or retreat that she had forgotten about? Some special materials for an object lesson that needed to be picked up from the local hardware store? No, nothing. No note. No conversation.

Mary Jane tried to stay calm. Luke was nothing if not reliable. Yes, this would inconvenience her today. They would have to wait another day for groceries. It would be forgotten in a week.

No use. There was something off here. A slight smile appeared on her face as “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” crossed her mind. The smile vanished as the phone began to ring, loud and cold and ominous. Luke’s mother, she knew. Gaeriel had programmed the phone with a special ring whenever Grandma called. Mary Jane looked at the clock. Too early. Much too early.

So much for that shower.

This post first appeared on my regular blogging home, timandcait.blogspot.com, but in order to talk about my journey in a more selectively private space, I have moved this post here. 

From the very first days we started attending First Unitarian Society here in Madison, I thought that being a Unitarian-Universalist minister looked like a pretty sweet gig. Even for someone in a very confused space spiritually, as I was then (and to some extent still am, let’s be honest), it seemed like a perfect outlet for someone desperate to talk about and create a space for a more open spirituality and religion. You didn’t have to believe anything specific, you didn’t have try to teach others to believe anything specific, outside of the seven principles, which are not exactly difficult truth claims. Instead, the focus seemed to be on exploring together, counseling others on their terms and creating an open and welcoming space for people to gather as a community. “That’s the kind of life I want. That I’ve always wanted.” Obviously, I knew that there would be unpleasant parts, and even now I realize I am mostly unaware of how difficult those will be, but still, the feeling remained.

I immediately worked to push away this thought, mainly because it was probably around my third or fourth week at FUS, and also because I was, as I said, in an unsettled space spiritually. But I was never able to let the thought go. I first talked to one of our pastors after one of our new member classes, and I think she gave her standard response, neither enthusiastic nor discouraging. This was the same response I got from all three of our pastors when I first approached them, which either means this is their usual response to allow members to make their own decision, or they were just not enthusiastic. However, that first non-enthusiastic response put me off for a while, but I nevertheless began casually looking at different Master of Divinity programs (that is a pretty awesome name for anything, btw), especially the one at Starr King University, one of two official UU schools. I kept doing low level research until about a couple of months ago, when it suddenly just clicked, “this is what I want to do.” Winter was getting harsh, Cait was getting frustrated with her program and I had finally settled down spiritually. But most of all, the “sense of call” that all Divinity Seminaries seem to think quite important began to be a reality somewhere deep in my soul. The UU seminaries, especially, offer no real guidance as to where this “sense” is supposed to come from, but like they said I might, I felt and feel it as a reality nonetheless.

One of the key moments was, a month or so ago, when we heard that some good friends were moving to Austin, TX, we thought, “man, Austin sounds nice.” When I remembered that there was a good divinity seminary there, that was the final impetuous to get me fully looking at divinity schools. I’d been slowly working on the application to Starr King for a month or so, because they suggest using the personal essays and autobiographical statement to be a main tool in the “discernment period” which is the period between thinking about joining the ministry to actually committing to start the process to become a minister. But now I am fully engaged in the process.

I still have lots of doubts, but they are steadily decreasing. Yesterday, I had a long talk with my head minister, and that going well, I think, was the final push I needed. Last night I bought tickets to fly out to Austin for their “discovery weekend” to see the seminary and experience classes and see Austin. They are paying for half the plane ticket and all of the housing and breakfast and lunch, so it’s a low-cost option to really see what seminary is like. If that works well, I will be turning in my applications to a couple of different seminaries by the common deadline of March 1. All programs would take 2-3 years, with an additional year of internship at some UU congregation around the country.

Austin is my first option. It’s a liberal Presbyterian seminary, and hasn’t had a large number of UUs come through, but I’ve been in contact with a UU minister in Arizona who went there, and he had a great experience. They seem very willing to work with people of different faiths. The main draw of this school is how relatively inexpensive it is. The other main draw is how awesome Austin seems, basically a much warmer Madison (which we love, but, man, these winters). They have generous need based scholarships, subsidized housing, childcare assistance and a relatively low cost of living in Austin itself. We’ve shown a strong ability to live cheaply here in Madison, and I think, even if Cait wasn’t able to get a steady job, we could come out of Austin with minimal debt.

Starr King has always been an option. It seems to have a great atmosphere and a long history of producing successful UU ministers. They also have a great flexible distance learning program. They also have need based scholarships and some scholarships set aside for future UU ministers. If I were to get in and decide to enter this program, we would probably stay here in Madison for a year or two more while I did a distance program, and then move to Berkeley for a year to do some of their required on campus classes. There is also the option to do it almost all of my schoolwork in the distance program from Madison while Cait finishes school, and head out for a few intensive weeks, mostly in the summer months. The expense of living in Berkeley, or flying there and back a bunch of times makes this less of an attractive option, although we would still benefit from Cait’s stipend . I would also prefer living near the seminary I was studying at for the full 2-3 years to really get involved in the community, but the expense of living in Berkeley makes this financially difficult. If I were to get a good scholarship to here, though, this would be a really tempting option. Going to school at a UU dedicated seminary would have all sorts of benefits.

Other options I am considering include Seattle University’s School of Theology so we could hang out with Cait’s sister in the lovely Pacific NW (cost of living is still a big issue here), also Meadville Lombard, the other UU school in Chicago, where I would do a low-residency distance program similar to Berkeley (the main issue here is that I’m not a big fan of Chicago, or any big city really). I’m also looking at Duke and a few other schools, but these are less likely options.

I’m still not fully convinced that the ministry is the right fit for me, although I am becoming more and more convinced. However, even if the ministry doesn’t end up being my destination, I am quite convinced that a Master’s of Divinity will open a lot of good doors for me, without an undue amount of expense. I am still considering a Library Science degree, but in order to be a University level librarian, which I think would be my ultimate goal, a second master’s degree apart from Library Science is required, and being a librarian specializing in religious and spiritual works is really appealing to me. I know I’m taking a risk talking about these plans before they are firm, but I want our readers and loved ones to know about the direction we seem to be heading at the moment.

That being said, I am really excited about the possibility of becoming a Unitarian-Universalist Minister. I think it fits my personality, I think it fits my spirituality. I think it would be the rare gift of a career that fulfills and adds meaning to my life regularly rather than primarily just paying the bills. Without getting too deep into the past, leaving the LDS church has left a large whole in my life, both personally and spiritually. I know many people believe that whole would be best filled by returning to the LDS church, but that is not the right path for me. I have struggled for years now to find a space for me to practice and explore spirituality on my own terms. Unitarian Universalism was essential to helping me be able to do that in a constructive and healthy way, and I am excited about the possibility, as a minister, to help provide that space for others. If anyone is more interested in the actual process of becoming a minister, most of the information is available here, at the admittedly less-than-beautiful UUA website.

As a final note, I realize that this posts extends my terrible habit of making major announcements to many important people in my life on something as impersonal as blog. I apologize to anyone that might be hurt by this, but I’ve found the mix of support and critique that meaningful posts on this blog bring in to our inbox to be a really healthy balance between the positive and the negative, or at least as good as it is likely to get. Also, I hate awkward phone calls.

A first look at George, Luke’s (the main character) father. It’s a big day for him, so I wanted to emphasize that by relating it in detail, while throwing in some extra details to round out his character. He is likely to end up playing somewhat of a foil to Luke, so I want him well-rounded.

George’s eyes snapped open. Another bad dream. He’d been having too many of those of late. He tried, as always, to remind himself that what he dreamed, whether good or bad, was almost entirely out of his control. Almost entirely. He could never shake the idea that if he could just control his mind a little better when he was awake, then he could do it better when he was asleep. But if controlling one’s mind wasn’t the work of a lifetime, he didn’t know what was.

The body, fortunately enough, George found much easier to control. Even while still feeling the effects of a restless night, George was able to sit up from bed, stand, rotate, and kneel down at the side of the bed again to say a morning prayer. In his youth, he might have just rolled over and flopped down onto his knees, but now, he liked to imagine that his advancing age at least brought with it a modicum of dignity.

Standing, George noticed that his wife was still asleep. Good. For so many years she had struggled with insomnia, such a sterile term for a daily battle with ones own body for a simple measure of sleep. Nothing had taught him better that he his usual amount of control over his own body was not something to be taken for granted, or something to feel superior about. His wife had a will of iron, but to her, falling asleep had seemed just as difficult for her as controlling his dreams was for him. That’s probably because falling asleep wasn’t really about her body, but rather about her mind.

As George showered and shaved, he tried to keep his mind off of those dark years with his wife after his youngest son had been born. There had, of course, been many more problems than the insomnia, although that certainly would have been enough. Of course, as he tried to shift his thoughts away from those dark days with his wife, the thoughts drifted to his son whose birth seemed to have played some role in bringing them on. Of course, Luke deserved no blame for whatever shift in hormones or brain chemistry his birth had brought with it into his mother’s body. But he still, to this day, couldn’t help but wonder if that dark period had some part in putting his son in the position he was now.

George shook his head as he dried off and moved to get dressed. There was nowhere good for this line of thinking to go. He knew that from past experience. It just took him around and around the same dark path, with no insights to be granted.

He slid open the heavy door on the large closet that they had installed years ago, at the urging of his wife. At first, he had thought that much too much thought had gone into how their clothes should be stored. Now he had to admit that he had grown to appreciate the sense of occasion granted to each morning from sliding aside a large door on well oiled wheels to reveal a well organized closet of clothes. This feeling of occasion was only helped by the fact that basically everything he owned was now suits and white shirts.

As he had moved higher and higher in church hierarchy, the duties and occasions that came along with the position also increased. Gradually, the more casual button-down shirts and khaki pants that he had taken to wearing when he had first opened up a law firm here in town had been pushed aside and reduced in number and the suits that he had worn as a corporate lawyer had begun to reemerge. He had even felt compelled to move his ever-growing tie collection in a more conservative direction. Sometimes, even on days when he didn’t think he would have any church duties, he still put on a suit and tie, when something in the back of his mind told him a suit might be needed later on. Sometimes that feeling was right, and sometimes it was wrong, but it was right often enough for him to have learned to trust it when it came.

But today there was no doubt. If there was ever a day to where a suit, today was the day. In fact, for the first time in years, he had bought a new suit, a nice one, nicer than anything else he had, certainly, although certainly less expensive than some of the suits his fellow lawyers had worn back when he had worked for the big firms. He chose that suit now, along with a new white shirt and red tie. He caught himself admiring the suit for a few moments too long and immediately felt foolish for doing so. Instead, he shifted his focus to looking for any signs of dirt or loose stitching. Finding none, he began to dress. When he finished, he glanced over one more time to see that his wife was still sleeping, quietly opened the door and walked downstairs to his office.

My vision for this blog is rather simple. I am hoping to create a simple place where I can store, distribute and talk about the things that I am writing. I want to use it as a place to explore for myself what I am writing and where I am headed as a writer, but I would also love for it to be a place where I can interact with anyone who has enough interest to read what I write.

I’m planning on putting way more content on here than anyone will ever want to read, with the hopes that having it all there, I can start to sort through what is working and not working, and get feedback on that process as I go. I plan on putting up portions of books that I have written in the past but am not actively working on, like Winged, my fantastical retelling of the three Nephites story, posting new portions of books that I am actively working on, like Fleeing Eden a near-future dystopia about a family torn apart by competing loyalties to Church and personal identity, and of course, giving access to the one book I have actually finished Hot Chocolate in Here. I might even get the urge to put up old college papers in a exhibition of “here’s how little I know about anything significant.”

If you want to support this project, all I ask is that you follow along as much as you would like, comment as much as you feel comfortable, and if you really feel excited about supporting and encouraging me as a writer drop me a small Paypal donation. I appreciate your support.

The whole idea of this endeavor makes me incredibly frightened and self-conscious. It also makes me very excited. I believe that whether anyone ever reads what I write, the dedication of a small portion of my time to writing down the stories that play in my head is a worthwhile endeavor. However, I would love to share what I’ve written with others, without going through the increasingly dubious process of entering into the corporate publishing world (yes, WordPress is corporate just like Whole Foods, but hey).

So, thanks for joining me on this journey. Hopefully it ends up being worth both our whiles, and transports us to a land where everything I dream is possible. If you want everything you dream to be possible, make your own site. I promise I will read some of it.