Caroline Abbott's Blog

In my last blog, I shared the story of survivor and thriver Debby Seguin. Today, I will share some of Debby’s insights into dating after abuse. I thought they were profound. Let me start by saying I am not a huge fan of online dating. I hear too many negative stories from those who have tried this. However, I also hear beautiful success stories about those who have met online, marry, and have beautiful, healthy relationships. So, I can’t discount the possibility that online dating might help find the right person. I will say more about this below. For now, let me share Debby’s awesome insights.

Debby’s Insights – What to Do Before You Begin Dating Again     I’ve been online dating for about 3 years now (with some long breaks in between). Navigating this at a later stage in life has been a very interesting journey of growth and introspection.     For anyone who is on this journey, thinking about starting this journey, or has a friend or loved one who is, I thought I’d share a bit of reflection that I hope will be of benefit on your own journey.     If you’re a “later in life dater” you are here for various reasons. But in general, most of us come to this place not out of choice, but out of circumstances. You may have lost a spouse or divorced after years of trauma, or you were left after years of investing in an unfaithful spouse. In short, you are here carrying some degree of emotional trauma.     Before you begin your dating journey, I recommend that you focus on your own healing and self esteem and becoming emotionally healthy. I worked on my healing for 4 years before I even considered, or had any interest in, dating. In fact, the desire to date came as a complete surprise that I initially laughed off! I ignored it, rejected the very notion of it, laughed it off, and finally when it persisted, “entered the arena” to “get it out of my system!” True story!Debby Begins Dating     As a novice who hadn’t dated in 35 years, I initially had a couple of experiences that “proved my point” and I was ready to jump ship. But my pride said, “Girl, you will NOT let a couple of yahoos (I used a different word!) stop this train. YOU are the conductor! Now utilize that cow catcher and keep moving!” Six Lessons Learned     So, over the course of time, I learned a few tips, and my discernment and wisdom grew. Here are a few lessons I learned.Lesson 1: I approach dating not as a person who NEEDS a man to make me feel valued, but as a person who is interested in building a life with a healthy partner. I already have people in my life who love me and value me. I know I have value!Lesson 2: I’m not there to fix them or change them. They get to be who they are. But I get to decide if that works for me for a lifetime partner. And they get to do the same. If they disappear, ghost, don’t call again, or simply say “this doesn’t work for me,” it’s not about ME and my value. It’s about their own choices for their own life (and not for nothing, but how they communicate that tells a lot about THEM and I may have dodged a bullet, thank you Jesus!) It’s not a judgement thing. It’s a compatibility thing, it’s “what can I compromise on and what is a deal breaker? What’s just quirky and what will drive me crazy over time?” It takes time and effort, but I’ve learned something of value from every single person I’ve interacted with or met face to face. It’s relationship on-the-job training in real time.Lesson 3: I never go into a conversation or a face-to-face meeting with any particular outcome expectations. So there’s zero reason to be nervous. I don’t care if they like me, even if they are super handsome! I’m a respectful, caring, articulate, empathetic person. I’m going to be me and will let the chips fall wherever they fall.Lesson 4: If I ever find that needle in this crazy haystack, great. I’ll build a healthy beautiful life with him. But if I don’t, I’ll still build a healthy beautiful life!Lesson 5: This applies to anyone at any age. We often focus on FINDING a healthy partner. But what I’ve found is that I need to focus on BEING a healthy partner so if and when an opportunity arises, I’m prepared. That’s what is best for me AND any potential partner. He doesn’t know it, but I’m already thinking of his best interests as well as my own.Lesson 6: And if I never find that needle? Might I be disappointed? Maybe. But there’s a million other things I never found or achieved in this life. I’m still a healthy best version of myself who positively impacts the lives of my family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. I call that a life well-lived.My (Caroline’s) ThoughtsSuch great advice Debby, thank you!I love so many things about Debby’s advice:Debby knows who she is and knows she is a person in her own right, who does not need a partner to feel whole. Because of this, she can meet potential partners with no anxiety. Not matter what happens, she is OK. I love that.Debby took the time she needed to seek healing after her abuse. Being abused by someone we love messes with us. If we don’t take the time and energy to get healed, it won’t go well for us. Too many people who have been abused end up in another abusive relationship, which is a tragedy. Often, the second person turns out to be worse than the first. So, do the things that help you heal. Seek counseling, join DV support groups, read books about abuse, journal, pray, hang out with other survivors and other healthy friends. Don’t skimp on your healing journey.Debby knows that her job is not to change a potential mate, or to try to control the dating process. If a potential partner can’t behave well during dating, they won’t make a good spouse either. Many of Debby’s points are similar to advice Emily Avagliano gave in her book, Dating after Trauma: How to Find the Love of Your Life After Experiencing an Abusive Relationship, Rape or Sexual Abuse. I summarized her major points in this blog.Let’s Be Safe

Finally, no matter if we are dating online, or we meet someone at the grocery store, we need to watch for red flags. We need to really get to know a person before we jump into a relationship too quickly. Many of us have felt the pain of being with the wrong person, and the devastation in our own lives and in the lives of our kids can’t be understated. Please check out my blog on Safety Guidelines for Dating. Also, in my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse, I go into detail about when to start dating, how to meet the right person, and how to know whether to become serious with the person.

     May God be with you and give you wisdom and discernment as you begin dating again after abuse.     Caroline

 

 

The post Debby Gives Advice on Dating first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

I have a treat for you today. Meet Debby Seguin. Debby is a survivor of emotional abuse, and a true THRIVER. Here is her story.The Beginning     I met my ex at a New Years Eve bowling party with our church singles group in San Antonio on Dec 31, 1985. We dated and got married on August 16, 1986, (8 months later). Looking back, I see now that’s very fast.     I did not see any red flags but I didn’t really know what those looked like. My family lived in Illionois so I had no support system. He was a very organized person and I was a free spirit. I thought that was a GOOD thing, that we each brought pros and cons to the relationship and we could use those as a couple. But he was a very controlling person and I was a people pleaser, both of us bringing those coping strategies into adult life because of childhood trauma.     I think I was more aware of my coping strategies because I had lived an unusual childhood in foster care and then institutional care. At age 14 I was adopted and was thrown into a normal family with NO skills set for it. I left for college, ran out of money and joined the army. I ended up in San Antonio – bringing along my coping strategies and love for God and desire to please Him and everyone else.The Abuse Begins     Once we were married, I lived with my husband’s criticism and anger for 22 years. I used fawning to try to please him. At about year 12, I was miraculously healed of childhood sexual abuse and it could have been a new start for us. I thought THAT was the Big Thing that was causing all the trouble. But within weeks, he began his same critical, angry, defensive responses to life all directed at me (until the kids got older and then it was also directed at them).Lack of Support from the Church     I began reaching out to my church for help. It was awful. After all those years, they just kept coming back with “he is the spiritual head of your home, submit, what are YOU doing wrong?” blah blah. So awful. Such a SHOCK. But I kept trying. I just KNEW if they UNDERSTOOD what my ex was doing, they would intervene and tell HIM to stop! But they never did. I had no clue what patriarchy was or that I was steeped in it. The patriarchy wasn’t to the ILBP (Institute in Basic Life Principles) level but had all the same “umbrella of protection” lies and holding the wife accountable for everything. It was sickening. Somewhere in the next 10 years, I stopped going to church or reading the Bible or listening to Christian music.A Switch Flipped – I Started Educating Myself     At year 22, an abuse situation happened that flipped a switch in me. I was like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. He had pushed me into a corner and I finally came out fighting. I began challenging him and I moved into another bedroom. He then began a cycle of love bombing, honeymoon, abuse. I typed in “domestic abuse” to my computer one day and that was when my journey of education and discovery began. There was not much of anything online about abuse at the time. I found a website called Out of the Fog, one of those original “forums” where people just posted stuff. It was eye opeing! I had thought I was the only one experiencing this.     I also found Cindy Burrell’s website Hurt By Love and Joseph Pote’ website called Redeemed (he comments and sometimes posts on the Life Saving Divorce group) and he was the first Christian man who explained biblically why it was “OK” to divorce, that it was God’s protection, etc. This was about 2009. Then I read Sam Powell’s article about “God Hates Divorce?” and I began to see that it was my spouse who was systematically sinning against me. I stopped only looking at me. In fact, I remember a day when ex said, (as he did every single time I brought up his behaviors), “Well you’re not perfect. You think you are Mary, mother of God? blah blah” and I said, “We are done looking at me, at what I may be doing wrong. Right now, we are ONLY looking at what YOU are doing that is hurtful and counterproductive.” That felt SO GOOD!! Then I found Natalie Hoffman’s Flying Free group and that was a game changer! I also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Another game changer.A Long Road Trying to Separate     I still had NO INTENTION of divorcing him! It was like I needed validation that what was happening to me WARRANTED divorce but actually DOING it? No. I just KNEW that God would work a miracle and that MY husband would be the exception, as most survivors do. I guess I was just going to hang on and wait for the change until…I couldn’t do it any more.     That time came in June of 2017 when our last child graduated from high school. Previous to this, I had separated from him for 9 months while living with friends nearby. We had recently reconciled, and he was supposedly trying to WIN ME BACK. My ex ruined the graduation party and humiliated me in front of everyone. So I moved into a 5th wheel. He asked if I would consider coming home on the weekends so I could “see how much he was changing” and I agreed because hey, a girl’s gotta do laundry! I slept in a separate room, did not do his laundry or much of anything around the house. I took care of my chickens and did my own laundry and saw my sons and cooked sometimes. I would watch a movie on another couch and told him, “I won’t be ugly or argue or be mean, but I am not here to chat with you. We are not friends. I am not here as your wife.” He agreed to these terms because yeah, he had no choice! I had another home AND he was trying to “win me back” (all self motivated of course).His Behaviors Deteriorated     I gave it a year while I worked full time and was finishing my masters degree. And his behaviors of course deteriorated. Abusers simply cannot maintain their facade for an extended period of time. There was an event that happened around our shared birthdays that year that was just the last straw. I filed for divorce in the summer of 2018, graduated, and moved from San Antonio to Dallas/Ft Worth. I was living in my fifth wheel, and sad to be so far from my home, but I was happy that I was finally free. I realized I was in God’s hands. I spent a lot of time in the online Life Saving Divorce group, for connection and support. It took 2 years for the divorce because he wasn’t cooperative (surprise!) and the entire time he was texting and emailing me and vacillating between being “sorry” and cooperative to being horrible and mean. He even sent letters to my school after I blocked him – the smear campaign never stopped.     One email he sent was him angry because I blocked him on text and he could ONLY use email. He used email to tell me HE COULDN’T USE EMAIL! I explained in simple, gray rock terms that that was his only option and he said, “You don’t get to decide how I communicate with you!” and he really believed that. I closed my email for the night and the next day saw about 20 emails every 10 minutes or so where he progressed to ALL CAPS reiterating that he couldn’t use email and that I had to let him text me, and finally told me at 11:30pm “GREAT! NOW SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?! I WON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP FOR WORK TOMORROW!” Unhinged to say the least. Then he started using his work phone to circumvent that. He is a cop so I called his lieutenant and told him to please not allow him to do that. Then my ex emailed a very nasty email about THAT, lol! Everything is everyone else’s fault.Debby’s Healing Journey     During my first year in Dallas, I did psycho-therapy using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I also joined a class in a church called “Stronger” which helped me see my value and worth. Through the class, I connected with other survivors in the Dallas area. I read many books on abuse, and learned so much from the internet. In 2019, I had the privilege of being interviewed by Natalie Hoffman on her Flying Free podcast. You can check out the interview here. Eventually, all my kids moved up to north Texas, which is so wonderful for all of us now.      Fast forward to today. I currently help administrate 2 Facebook groups about abuse: Confusion to Clarity, and Life Saving Divorce. Through these Facebook groups and other sources, I mentor 1-3 women who are going through abuse. In other words, I am building my life and giving back. Life today is happy and I have so much peace. God has given me a home, a community AND my family. I am so grateful! To others who have made the difficult decision to leave their abusers, and are struggling with the court system, I want you to know that just because things are ugly and hard doesn’t mean you are doing the wrong thing. Be Brave!!A Note From Caroline

Oh, how I love to share stories of how abuse victims get free of their abuse and become thrivers!! Thank you Debby so much for sharing your story. One thing I noticed as I wrote this, is how much my story parallels Debby’s. Both of us struggled with leaving our abusers. Both of us turned to our church for help, and received even more abuse from the church. Both read lots of books and got therapy and did support groups. Everyone’s journey is unique. I describe my journey in my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. It is my hope that this book will be part of the healing journey of many abuse survivors. Because I struggled with a church that did not understand abuse, and actually made my life worse, I also created a Domestic Violence Guide for Churches. This guide is designed to educate pastors and church leaders about domestic violence, and to help them learn how to help, rather than harm survivors.

My next blog will also be from Debby, who will give some hard-earned advice on how to date after being abused. Stay tuned!

May God walk with you through your own journey.

Many blessings to each of you,

     Caroline

The post Survivor Story – Debby Seguin first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

When we are free from our abusive partner and they start dating someone new, should we warn the new partner?

Great question.

My experience

I met my ex’s new girlfriend at my daughter’s engagement party. Though my ex refused to speak to me, his new girlfriend was kind, thoughtful and engaging. If she wasn’t dating my ex, I would have asked her to be my new best friend. The more I saw her, the more I liked her.

This caused me a great bit of angst. How could I let this sweet woman date such an awful human and not warn her what her future would likely be? I took the question to my therapist. She recommended I say nothing. She correctly pointed out that this was an adult woman who had to make her own choices and that even if I did tell her my experience, she would probably not believe me. So, I said nothing, though I lost a good amount of sleep over it. I never truly felt comfortable with this decision.

Ask Amanda

Fast forward a decade. Domesticshelters.org recently posted an article in their “Ask Amanda” column where Amanda answered this question. Here is a summary of her response:

This is a complicated situation, to be sure. It’s one that I’ve heard about in various forms from not only a lot of readers here but also friends in real life. You know that your ex is bad news, so what’s your obligation to the next partner he* chooses? What if you’re scared for her safety, and her children’s safety but also your own? It’s a really heavy thing to think about, and there’s no one right answer.

If you decide to try to warn this new woman about what she’s potentially getting into, there’s a decent chance your reputation has already been tarnished by him. You may very well be “the crazy ex” because he likely knows that the two of you are familiar with each other, and he wants to cut you off at the pass. Abusers are strategic like that and manipulative. There’s a decent chance he’s already begun to love-bomb her so that she wouldn’t be able to wrap her head around the fact that he’s anything but a Prince Charming.

Are they likely to abuse their new partner?

Of course, some may argue that just because he was abusive in your relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be abusive in this new one. *Insert skeptical eyebrow raise here.* If you say he’s continuing to use abusive tactics on you and your children even after your divorce, that tells me that there has been no grand transformation for the better in this man’s life. (I, Caroline would also add that abusers very rarely change their behaviors. While at the beginning of their new relationship, all will look good, the new partner will probably experience the same (or worse) abuse that you did eventually.)

If this new partner becomes something serious, there’s a chance you’ll end up interacting with her during child exchanges, assuming you share custody with your ex (you may not). You may be able to get a better read on her through these interactions and better gauge whether or not you feel like she’d open up to you if something was going awry. After all, she has children as well and surely, she wants to keep them out of harm’s way.

What about your own safety?

As difficult as it may be not to sound a warning alarm for this new woman, you have to think about your safety and your children’s safety first. You are likely the main target of your ex’s abusive urges. As Leslie Morgan Steiner, author of the chilling memoir Crazy Love, told me, “A victim’s first obligation is to protect him or herself. I didn’t always understand that it was OK to put myself first.” She didn’t warn women who would come to date her violent ex-husband because she feared her ex’s anger and, “I have three children [with her second husband] and I want to protect them, too.”

You don’t have to tell the new girlfriend all the details of your marriage. You could consider simply saying to her, “If you need to talk, I’m here.” If something has already happened with your ex that’s given her pause, she might pick up on that subtle signal. If anything, it opens the door to communication in the future if and when she begins to realize what your ex really is. After all, abusers rarely start a relationship with overtly abusive tactics. Typically, it’s more subtle. It’s a small demeaning comment here or there, a jealous inquiry into their whereabouts or testing the waters to see how much they can control the new person. But it’s layered in things like love-bombing and mirroring, which is emulating everything the new partner loves as things they’re interested in, too, to form a bond.

The hope here is that the new woman will see the red flags before she gets in too deep. Abusers are known to brainwash their victims, making it more difficult for them to leave the longer the relationship goes on.

Listen to your gut

Ultimately, you should listen to your gut when it comes to what decision will keep you and your children safe. But it’s admirable and brave for you to want to warn this new woman as well. In my opinion, we women need to look out for each other when it comes to abusive men rather than work against each other. That’s why it’s so important to believe women, first and foremost. Here’s hoping both of you stay safe going forward.

I love Amanda’s suggestion that you offer to be there for the new partner if they need to talk. I think this is a good middle ground between saying something and possibly receiving abuse from your ex, and saying nothing.

How did my story end?

I often saw this woman at family gatherings for the next year. Then, suddenly, she was no longer present at these gatherings. A few months later, I bumped into her. I didn’t feel I could actually ask her what happened, so I just asked how she had been. She told me, “I have determined never to be treated badly again,” which told me all I needed to know. I was so thankful she was out of that relationship and safe. Since then, as far as I know, my ex has not dated anyone else. For this I am truly thankful.

What about you? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Like Amanda, I pray that each of you is safe going forward. If you have other questions about how to navigate your healing process after abuse, please check out my book A Journey to Healing After Emotional Abuse. 

Blessings to each of you,

Caroline

*Note: Abusers and their victims can be male or female.

The post Should I Warn My Abuser’s New Partner? first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

For many churchgoers, women in church leadership is a hot button. There are two major schools of thought about this, complementarianism and egalitarianism.

Complementarianism

Complementarians believe that men and women are equal in value and dignity, but different in their roles. They interpret the Bible as prescribing a complementary view of gender, and believe that the Bible teaches male headship in the family. In a complementarian marriage, the husband has the role of headship, leading the family lovingly and sacrificially. The wife supports her husband. Complementarians believe that men and women have different roles in the church, with some roles being restricted to men (usually elders and pastors).

Egalitarianism

Egalitarians agree with complementarians that men and women are equal in worth. However, egalitarianism goes further to state that men and women are considered equal in role capabilities as well; there are no gender restrictions on what roles men and women can fulfill in the church, home, and society. This view holds that the teachings and attitudes of Jesus and the New Testament abolished gender-specific roles as well as roles related to class and race.

Living out these beliefs in church can get quite sticky. I believe at their heart, most people on both sides believe this is what the Bible teaches, and they feel this is the way to have harmony and happiness in both the home and in church. Of course, people who tend to be controlling are easily able to use the complementarian view to abuse women in both churches and at home.

In my home church

I’ve had the privilege of watching my home church wrestle with whether God would have us include female elders while demonstrating love and grace to all. In our church, eldership was open only to men for the fifty plus years our church has existed. Interestingly, we did have female pastors, which is very unusual in a complementarian church. The women who were pastors were never senior pastors, but we had one female spiritual direction pastor and another female community/groups pastor. Almost two years ago, during their yearly retreat, our elders felt a movement of the Holy Spirit to explore what God wanted from our church around this issue.

Listening groups

The process they chose to take to begin making this decision was beautiful to watch. They offered forums called “listening groups” which consisted of 2 elders and 10 – 12 church goers. Each churchgoer was given the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings around the topic. There was no debating. Each person (including the 2 elders) listened respectfully. There was a lot of silence and prayer.

In the group I joined, the views on female elders were split almost evenly between egalitarians and complementarians. Each person was firmly convinced that their point of view was correct, and that it was biblically based. When it was my turn to speak, I shared my views based on a 20 page paper I wrote while studying at Denver Seminary. Click here to see is a summary of this paper.

Lots of prayer, study and discussion

Once everyone that was interested had had a chance to speak in a listening group, the elders took many more months to pray and study this question, both individually and as a group. I am sure many in our church were impatient at the amount of time this took. I thought it was wonderful that they were seriously questioning what God wanted from them and our church as a whole. These elders read books on each side of the question, and interviewed New Testament and Old Testament professors from our nearby seminary.

Finally, a decision

Finally, about a year and a half after the question was initially brought before the congregation, they announced they had come to a decision. Rather than taking up an entire church service, they invited everyone to a mid-week evening meeting. At that meeting, our senior pastor Alex Walton shared that the elders had unanimously decided to open eldership in our church to women. I personally heaved a great sigh of relief. I know many in our church were completely dismayed, and we may lose long-time members because of this choice.

Position Paper Shared

Our pastor wrote a 27 page position paper outlining the Bible verses our elders considered while making this decision. In the mid-week meeting, he read it aloud word for word. Also several elders shared how God had changed their hearts toward including women elders. The meeting lasted a full two hours. You can access this entire meeting here. I know many of you will not want to watch this for 2 hours, or read the 27 page paper. As for me, it was one of the best 2 hours I ever spent in church. I totally geek out on things like this! To spare those of you who don’t have the time or interest, I will summarize the points made below.

Three Pillars of Biblical Study

Our elders considered three types of biblical study: narrative, direction/trajectory and exegesis. Words printed in green are taken directly from the position paper our pastor shared.

Pillar one – NarrativeGenesis

“A biblical study requires that we recognize the scriptures’ narrative movements across the whole of the canon. These large narrative sections can be succinctly categorized as Creation, Fall, Law (the old covenant), Redemption (the new covenant), and Future Renewal. We focused the majority of our study within the categories of Creation, Fall, Law, and Redemption. We wanted to see how scripture outlined both our common anthropology (humanness) and our particular genders.” The paper notes that men and women were created equally, as image bearers of God, and that women were designed to be a suitable “ezer” for man. The paper notes that “ezer” is translated as “savior” in the rest of the Bible. It notes there is no difference in roles assigned to men and women in the first two chapters of Genesis.

After the fall in Genesis 3,“the phraseology behind “your desire will be for your husband and he shall rule over you” has some semantic challenges. The Hebrew word used is “teshuqah,” meaning “passions” or “longings,” while the word for “rule” is “mashal,” meaning rule or have dominion.” This is understood as part of the curse given to Adam and Eve because of their sin. The paper notes, “The distortions came after sin, not before. The elevation of men and the subordination of women, in its most vile and most subtle forms, is a deception of the Fall, not a part of God’s good plan in creation….While a fractured relationship between men and women is evident in these passages, we do not believe they provide clear evidence that either man or woman should submit to the curse.”

The Rest of the Old Testament

Women are given two distinct leadership roles in the Old Testament. Both Miriam and Huldah are acknowledged as prophets, while Deborah is given the role of Judge. The paper notes, “We would suggest that these instances are more than women filling the role of men in the absence of male leadership but represent the surprising elevation of women in a patriarchal culture. At no point does scripture lament the absence of male leadership or authority in these situations. In fact, the fact that the speaker holding authority is female is rarely commented on, with the exception being the reference specifically to women in battle. While they are not normative, we recognize a deep significance in these roles.”

The New Testament

“Galatians chapter 3 is informative. In Galatians, Paul is dealing with issues of unity. This is the problem he is trying to solve. This potential disunity is on multiple fronts, as Paul articulates in verse 28:

26 “So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed and heirs according to the promise.”

The paper notes, “A significant element often ignored in this passage is the way he moves from circumcision to Baptism as a marker of covenant. In the old covenant, only the men were sealed with the sign of the covenant. In the new covenant, all members receive the invisible marker of the Holy Spirit and the visible marker/rite of Baptism.”

Pillar Two – Direction/Trajectory

The paper outlines a trajectory of patriarchy that begins with unquestioned patriarchy in the early part of the Old Testament. Then, we see women protected from husbands that could divorce for any reason, leaving the wife destitute, (see Deuteronomy and Malachi). The paper calls this the “surprising elevation of women through moderated patriarchy.” “Jesus welcoming of women into his circle of disciples is the second trajectory movement in our study. Mary of Bethany is one who sits at Jesus’ feet (Luke 10:38f) in the pattern of first- century discipleship.” The paper calls this “the surprising elevation of women as disciples of Christ.”

“In the resurrection accounts, the seminal announcement of the Christian faith is first made by women who have found themselves included in the discipleship. A first century society did not accept women as reliable witnesses and yet the Apostles are first invited to believe because of the testimony of women!” The paper notes that three women are lauded by the Apostle Paul as apostles and disciplers (Phoebe, Priscilla and Junia). Other female leaders in the early church are: Tabitha (Acts 9:36-9:42), Lydia (Acts 16:14–15, 40), Chloe (1 Corinthians 1:11), Euodia and Syntyche (Philippians 4:2–3), Nympha (Colossians 4:15), Lois and Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5), Claudia (2 Timothy 4:21), The mother of John Mark (Acts 12:12), the “elect lady” (2 John 1:1) and Philip’s four prophet daughters (Acts 21:9).

“As we move towards God’s final redemption and follow his trajectory in scripture, we would suggest a trajectory graph looks like this:

 

Unquestioned patriarchy —> Surprising elevation of women through moderated patriarchy —> Surprising Elevation of Women as Disciples of Christ —> Surprising elevation of women as co-workers of Paul —> Our Work —> God’s Final Renewal”

Pillar Three – Exegesis

In exegesis, our primary task is to ask what the original listeners would have heard. This is our effort to bridge the gap between our culture and theirs. In the pastoral epistles, our job is to ask what questions the first-century churches were wrestling with and what answers they were given. We need to resist the temptation to use scripture first to ask 19th-century questions or 16th-century questions.

One passage in the New Testament has frequently been used to say women should not speak in church. I have written about this question in another blog.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35

34 Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak but must be in submission, as the law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home, for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

The position paper notes that the context of these verses were that Paul was giving rules on how Christian worship should be conducted, especially in charismatic worship. The problem being addressed was that those in the Corinthian church were practicing speaking in tongues in a way that was chaotic. The paper notes that Paul cannot mean women should never speak in church, since in 1 Corinthians 11 he outlined instructions for women who were prophesying.

First, in ancient Greco-Roman culture, particularly within the less formal setting of a Corinthian house church, questions were a part of the teaching portion of a worship gathering. These were smaller groups gathered in homes, and that meant the entire experience was more like an interactive dialogue. 

Two possibilities exist, both offering better context and understanding of these verses: First, perhaps ancient Mediterranean protocol would disapprove of a woman addressing men unrelated to her, hindering the church’s external witness about which Paul is concerned. Secondly, the regular denial of education to women in the first century could mean that the questioner lacked a fundamental knowledge of the subject matter being taught, hindering the church’s internal edification, which Paul is concerned about. We are fortunate to live in a society and period in which women are regularly more educated than men.

1 Timothy 2:11-12

11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. 

1 Timothy 2:11-15 has been the sheet anchor for people arguing women should not be ordained or hold the position of elder. It is a difficult passage to translate and, because of its translation history over the past 100 years, is overly susceptible to being used as a silver bullet by those who sit on the conservative side of this conversation.

Basically, the position paper views this through the lens of what was happening in Ephesus at the time. Ephesus was the center of worship for the female “god” Artemis. Worship of this god was a female-only cult. Paul here is resisting the cultural norms of this female-only cult.

1 Timothy 3:1-7

1 Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. 2 Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full[a] respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7 He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

This passage has been used to keep women out of eldership, because a woman cannot be a “husband of one wife,” The position paper notes however that:

Paul’s language is typical of the day. Neither Greek nor Hebrew has a word used for spouse. The very writing of an instruction to faithfulness requires choosing, as a language construct, either a man or a woman to be faithful and the other for them to be faithful to. Paul picks the gender normative pattern. This pattern exists in much of scripture. The Ten Commandments are written, semantically, to men. The pastoral epistles are directed to “brothers.” Does this mean that women are not bound to obey these scriptures as authoritative words because they are not specifically addressed to their gender? Absolutely not. They are included in the family of faith and bound to obey even when their gender is not specified. To make the assumption, therefore, that Paul excludes women because he uses masculine language is not a good argument for male-only leadership and can only be applied consistently or not at all.

In Summary

If you are interested in delving deeper into these scriptures, I again invite you to read the entire position paper. I have done my best to summarize the main points, and have already made this blog longer than I intended. I hope that God will use this blog to open up its readers to the possibility that Bible verses have been taken out of context around the question of women in church leadership.

May God bless each of you!

Caroline

 

The post Women in Church Leadership first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

Those of us who have separated from an abuser often have to deal with questions from people who just don’t get it. They are sometimes what we call “flying monkeys” – people who do the bidding of the abuser. But there may be others who are just uneducated about abuse and are simply trying to understand what has happened and why you have made certain choices to protect yourself. Sybil Cummin, creator of the Rising Beyond Power and Control community has created a list of “Mic Drop Moments” – a quick list of short answers you can have in your back pocket ready to say when confronted by one of these people. Here they are:

 

When a someone suggests you just “talk it out” with your ex:

“Sure, in a situation where both parents are focused on the best interest of the children, this would make sense. It does not apply to our situation.”[image error]

When someone states “I just can’t see him doing that. He’s always seemed so nice.”

“I can see that. His behaviors in public are completely different than his behaviors behind closed doors.”

When someone doesn’t get it because it has not felt safe enough to tell them the details (maybe because they are connected to both of you).

“I haven’t shared the details with you because I did not want to put you in a difficult position. It seems like you have heard one side of the situation, and I’m sorry if he put you in the situation I was trying to prevent.”

When someone drops the ball, does not take accountability, and passes it onto you (passive aggressively).

“Thank you for your response. It was my understanding that I was responsible for XYZ. My intention was to (wait to hear back before sending the info/get more clarification on my next steps/follow up on, etc.)”

When someone says something like: “It’s not illegal to be an a$$hole” or “Jerks can be parents too.”

“Correct, they can be. And based on the situation I am in with such a person I will do everything I can to protect myself and my children from their behaviors.”

I’m sure he’ll calm down. Just give him some time.

“Believe me that I know the patterns of abuse within our relationship. When my ex-partner is calm, it is often the calm before the storm.”

 

“It’s important to consider how your feelings about your ex could impact the children or your anxiety could contribute to your children’s anxiety about seeing their father.”

“Based on the experiences we have had behind closed doors, the anxiety my children are experiencing is an appropriate response.”

You could add… “If a full-grown adult does not feel safe to be around this person, how can we expect a child to feel confident that they can keep themselves safe?”

When someone suggests it is not DV because you have not been physically harmed. 

“If I had been physically harmed, at least others could see the torture our family has been through and continues to go through. Someone attempting to control every aspect of our lives including XYZ with the threat of physical harm or the threat of taking away my children is abuse.”[image error]

When someone incredulously asks, “Why don’t you have full custody then?” after learning of the abuse.

“Before I started going through this divorce, I thought the family court system was there to do what is in the best interest of the children too.”

Any conversation where the person is assuming that you agree with everything they are saying, and you don’t.[image error]

“You have a lot of strong feelings about XYZ. I’m not sure I fully agree with ABC.”

If all of this happened, then why didn’t you call the police?

“With everything he had already done, I knew the consequences of calling the police would be 10x worse.”

Now you could also add, “Did you see what happened in the Gabby Petito Case?”

I hope these ideas are helpful for you. Coming out of abuse is hard enough without feeling we need to explain ourselves to uneducated others.

Many blessings to you all,

Caroline

The post When Others Just Don’t Get It first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

Have you ever heard someone say, “Christians should surrender their rights?” Does the Bible really teach that? How can this idea be used to keep a domestic violence victim in bondage?

The following was shared by Leslie Vernick as a guest blog by Rebecca Davis:

One of the things I write about on my website www.heresthejoy.com is untwisting teachings that have been used to keep Christians in bondage.

Though I’ve addressed the subject of rights before on my own site and elsewhere, this blog post is a slightly modified outline of a talk I gave earlier this month at a conference put on by Called to Peace Ministries in Raleigh, NC, www.calledtopeace.org , “Developing a Church-wide Response to Domestic Abuse.”

The sessions are available for viewing by contacting Joy Forrest at info@calledtopeace.org . That talk was based in turn on two chapters from my book Untwisting Scriptures: that were used to tie you up, gag you, and tangle your mind.

The teaching that Christians should surrender their rights, sometimes taught as “Christians have no rights,” is one that can be absolutely devastating in cases of domestic cruelty.
I’ve researched a number of books, blogs, and speakers and have boiled down the “surrender your rights” teaching to this:

Anger is sinful and is caused by insisting on personal “rights.” The solution to anger (which is always sinful) is to surrender or yield our “rights,” which means living as if we have no rights, like Jesus. When we surrender our “rights,” then God will bless us and bring us joy.

Notice that this teaching assumes that anger is always sinful, but the Scriptures show us there’s a place for righteous anger. In addition, grief can often look a whole lot like anger too. Also, notice the “scare quotes” that many of the no-rights teachers use, the quotation marks that imply that we have rights only in our imaginations, not in reality.

What does this “no-rights” teaching miss?
There are several things, but I’ll mention five here.

This teaching typically confuses vertical and horizontal relationships

The no-rights teaching usually says you should “surrender” all your rights to God (in what I call the vertical relationship), but what it ends up looking like is so-called “surrendering your rights” to other people (in what I’m calling the horizontal relationship).

Instead, a better perspective is for us all to remember that God has ultimate authority over everything, but this doesn’t mean a Christian should necessarily passively acquiesce to someone else doing whatever they want to do.

Therefore, let’s separate how we relate to God from how we relate to other people when we talk about rights. Also, it’s important to keep this in mind when we think about the word “surrender.” When a defeated army surrenders their weapons, they don’t have them anymore—the victorious army now has them. When a person surrenders anything, it is no longer theirs—it now belongs to the other person. Christians who have tried to “surrender their rights” have invariably found that the ones oppressing them violate their rights more and more and more.

This teaching misses the definition of “rights.”

The concept of rights comes from the concept of “what is right.” Even the word justice is related because it means “setting things right.” There are three kinds of rights that I know of:

Human rights

An unborn baby has a right to life. This is also true for people after they’re born. It’s even true for married women.

Human rights are God-given, like facial features, and can be “surrendered” about as easily as you can surrender your facial features. Tweet This

Human rights are true across time and around the world. The advancement of every civilization has come in large measure because of an advancement in their understanding of human rights.

Here are a few human rights that the majority of citizens in Western countries would agree on:

✓ A right to life. This includes a right to safety and security.
✓ A right to be treated with the same respect with which other humans are treated. This would include equal and just treatment under the law and a right to protection against unjust attacks on one’s honor and reputation.
✓ A right to liberty, which would include a right to freedom of thought, including conscience, religion, and opinion.
✓ A right to property. This includes a right to be free of invasion of the home and personal effects.

The Bible strongly proclaims human rights. Here are two examples:

Proverbs 31:8-9 says,

Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Isaiah 1:17 says,

Learn to do good; seek justice [setting things right], correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.

Some examples in the Scripture of people who believed in human rights were David, when he ran from his authority Saul who was trying to kill him; Paul, when he escaped over the wall in a basket from the Jewish leaders who wanted to kill him; and Moses’ mother, when she hid Moses in the basket on the river from the authority who wanted to kill him. In each case, each person was acknowledging and valuing the right to life as more important than obedience to an authority.

Civil rights

Civil rights are bestowed by a government, ostensibly to reflect human rights. The closer the leaders of a nation are to the ways of God, the more the civil rights of their nation will accurately reflect human rights.

Someone in the Bible who stood on his civil rights was the apostle Paul when the Roman soldier was going to beat him in Acts 22. He told the soldier he was a citizen of Rome and shouldn’t be beaten. Clearly, Paul knew he had civil rights and had no problem claiming them.

Spiritual rights

Recently someone told me she had heard another Christian say, “In Christ, we have no rights.” But the opposite is true. In Christ, we have amazing spiritual rights. For example, John 1:12 tells us we have the right to be called the sons and daughters of God. Hebrews 4:16 tells those who are in Christ that we have the right to go to the Father’s throne in prayer.

Notice the following about the three kinds of rights:

Human rights are yours by virtue of being a human. They are God-given to all who live.

Civil rights are yours by virtue of being a citizen of your country. They are bestowed by the government.

Spiritual right s are yours by virtue of being a Christian. They are given to you in Christ.

In the case of civil rights, the government can take them away, or they can be rejected as a package by renouncing citizenship. In the case of the other two, human rights and spiritual rights, it is just as impossible to surrender them as it is to surrender your facial features. They are part of who you are.

So, this still leaves us with some questions. Like . . . .

What about Jesus “surrendering His right” not to be treated unjustly?
What about Paul “surrendering his right” to have a wife?
What about all the other “rights” that need to be “surrendered,” like my “right” to a certain parking spot at work?

That’s where the no-rights teaching fails in three more ways:

This teaching fails to acknowledge that genuine rights can be violated

If someone steals my car, I will acknowledge that God is over all and has known about this since the foundation of the earth and has all things under His control. But that submission to God’s wisdom and will doesn’t negate the fact that my human right to my own property has been violated.

Jesus lived a completely sin-free life, obeying all the laws of both God and man, but men beat him and pulled out His beard and put a crown of thorns on His head and nailed Him to a cross. We know that He endured all this to accomplish the prize and joy of our salvation. But this purpose of His doesn’t negate the fact that on the horizontal level, He still had a right to be treated like the completely innocent man that He was. On the horizontal, His rights were violated.

When a wife is degraded in the bedroom, used for violent pornographic sex, defiled in her mind and harmed in her body, she might tell herself she needs to yield her rights, or she doesn’t have any rights. But this is wrong. Her rights are being violated.

This teaching fails to distinguish that we can refrain from making use of our rights

Some examples:

Bob lives in the U.S.A. and has the right to own a gun. He doesn’t own one for reasons of his own, maybe because he believes in Christian nonresistance. This refraining from making use of his rights does not mean that he has surrendered those rights. The rights are still his, and he could later change his mind and go buy a gun.

Sue has the right to vote. She decides not to vote in this election for reasons of her own, possibly to make a protest against government corruption. This refraining from making use of her rights does not mean that she has surrendered those rights. The rights are still hers, and she could change her mind at the last minute and go vote.

The apostle Paul had the right to have a wife. He decided not to make use of that right because he lived a dangerous life as he spread the gospel around the world. But the right was still his; till the end of his days he still had the right to marry.

Jesus had the right to call twelve legions of angels in order to avoid having to die. He didn’t make use of that right because He wanted to secure our salvation, but it was His right until the end.

If a marriage covenant has been rendered null and void through violation of the covenant, the offended party has the right to divorce. Even if he or she chooses not to make use of that right, for any of a number of reasons, it should still be clear that in the eyes of God divorce remains the right of the harmed spouse.

The no-rights teaching fails to distinguish between rights and desires

When I see no-rights or surrender-your-rights being taught, it has often been small, petty, or even ridiculous issues that have been presented as “rights.” For instance, as I mentioned earlier, they might talk about surrendering your “right” to a certain parking spot at work. Or they might mention your “right” to “do things your way.” But hopefully it’s clear from the discussion above that these things aren’t even rights at all. They’re only desires.

Rather than telling a person to surrender her rights and then leaving the definition of “rights” fuzzy enough to encompass almost anything, let’s help her distinguish what her true rights really are. And then when we’re talking about desires, we can encourage each other in our desires becoming more and more aligned with the heart of God. This part really isn’t about rights at all.

There’s another problem I’ve seen from the no-rights teaching . . .

Double standards are created. The “no-rights” doctrine applies only to certain rights, not others

In all the many books and websites I read that tell readers to surrender their rights, in the front of every one of those books and at the bottom of every website was the line “All rights reserved.” This is a double standard.

Let’s say a woman is in an abusive situation trying to “surrender” her right even to freedom of thought because her husband checks to make sure her opinion matches his. Then she hears her husband complaining to someone about how the government is curtailing gun rights. This is a double standard.

The “no-rights” doctrine applies only to certain people, not others

The no-rights teachers might compare the Christian life to traffic, saying that just as in traffic we yield the right of way, so Christians should “yield” our rights in life. But what they’re missing is that if every driver were to yield in traffic, no one would ever get anywhere. When one driver is yielding, the other driver is going.

In the Christian world, if everyone is told to yield their rights, then in practicality the ones who will end up “yielding” their rights will be the ones with sensitive hearts who think this practice will help them be the Christian God wants them to be. But in actuality, when they live as if they have no rights, these Christians are allowing their rights to be violated with impunity.

In every case of domestic cruelty I’ve seen, it’s the one who is being abused who has to give up the rights, while the one who is the abuser retains the rights. Make no mistake about this: When one person is “yielding,” another person is “going.” When one person is “surrendering” rights, another person is taking rights.

So instead . . . how can Christians encourage each other in the Lord?

Help Christians understand the truth about rights

✓ Help them understand the meaning of “rights” and help them see what their actual legitimate rights are: human, civil, and spiritual.
✓ Show what it means for rights to be violated.
✓ Help them make wise decisions about whether or not to make use of their rights.
✓ Help them distinguish between rights and desires (and help them in their maturing process of getting to know the Lord through His Word and listening to the Holy Spirit, who will lead their desires to be more and more aligned with the will of God).
✓ Assure them that God is still over all and will eventually set all things right, executing ultimate justice.
✓ Know that in the meantime, we as His people are not called to look on passively as others suffer, telling them to give up their rights. But we are called to help others, in accord with Psalm 82:3.

Give justice to the weak and fatherless. Maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Question: Have you ever been told you “must” give up your rights?

I pray that this blog will give you clarity about what the Bible actually says about human rights. If you would like to read more about the inherent worth of the abused, click here. 

Bless you all,

Caroline

The post Do Christian Abuse Victims Have Rights? first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

 

Hello Dear Readers,

I have a treat for you today, a poem from Karla, a domestic violence survivor. She also survived a decade of post-divorce legal abuse. She is a graduate student and hopes to become a professional writer one day. Here is her poem:

 

Threads

And I look to the fabric of my life and cry out, betrayed: “God, what have you done?”

And I remember how I saw the future in my earlier years, when life was knit tight by hope and made bright by the confidence that I could swing through anything that threatened my stride.

And I visit the mausoleum of my past assumptions, when I knew I was destined to rise through better jobs, stronger bank accounts, and blissful, stacked-up wedding anniversaries, smug with how well I chose and how much I had earned.

And now, the past assumptions strip me like the thief who left me hollowed out from loss, weeping into the fabric of my days as though life were a funeral shroud that has coiled itself around me way too tight and way too soon.

It is stained, I say. It is old, I say. It is misshapen, I say. It is good for nothing, I say—not even for rags.

And I grip the ruined fabric and I heave up a litany of accusations, believing God has failed me. I lift my saltwater stare towards the heavens and beg for answers. Was it You, God? Was it me, God? Which one of us went so wrong that I’m here, now, after all I have fought through?

I always

did my best,

I always

picked the right fight,

I always

worked hard—more than my body could bear

I always

did it for the good of my family, yet

I never foresaw

life turning out like this.

And I can’t make sense of the stained and tattered life I have, with no money and bad health and impressive degrees with zero ability to put them to work.

And I cry, and I cry, and I cry, in many tongues:

God,

I lament.

I lament.

I lament.

And God looks at my saltwater eyes and sees Her oceans. God touches the taste of my tears and sees Her infinite ways. God, our caring Mother, leans towards my wounds and honors the sacred need to weep. She sings prayers over me as I suck in bitterness and weep out confusion.

And God touches the fabric I’m wringing and shows me.

God shows me that it does not hold the shape of a shroud, but the tapestry of voracious hope. It is not threadbare, but is knit with the tensile strength of thickly wired healing. It is the soft blanket of warmth, crafted to cover the release of rest. It has the eclectic shape and the unbreakable strength of community. It is now woven from the wisdom of pain survived, not the whispery dreams of a young woman naive. It holds the secret of my own truth-telling reflection, never known to me in my youth.

And God shows me the golden threads which sewed the pieces back together through the unsurvivable slashings. And God traces my finger over the places of flawless mending, bought by years of heavy labor. And God makes me see the threads of heaven in my life; a filigree of rare blessing stitched into my very bones.

And I know that the threads of moments shared—God’s strongest elixir of community—have saved me. And I hold each thread in kneeling adoration.

The thread of Mia’s sacred offering of paella, shared over ancient inside jokes and wine.

The thread of years’ long text threads sharing TikToks, smutty memes and unwavering support…my only smile on most days.

The thread of sitting at the little table under the big window in Monaco’s kitchen, seeing Johnny off in his morning’s flurry and sitting quietly with Bill in the evenings after his workday is through.

The thread of watching the children thrive and stretch and whirl during family zoom calls. Blessed be these families, with their wildest-dream mothers and fathers. As I smile at the screen, I hear God Herself declare that these, our little ones, are good.

The thread of lending a portion of my healing’s wisdom back to the spiritual uncle who is responsible for so much of my own repair.

The thread of holding baby Mabel close, in awe and fear and worry and with that intense, possessive love that only rises up for the most vulnerable among us. And bearing witness to the truth of how one precious life secured can mean the depletion of a good mother’s strength. And witnessing still how Mom’s sacrifice has gifted the world with a chubby, happy, kicking, raspberry-blowing cherub.

The thread of being grateful for my mother, whose help has taught me that, through being the daughter of Nancy, I am a true daughter of God.

The thread of counting on weekly debriefs that connect me to the world and draw up the sacred conversations which nourish and uplift and sometimes uncover wounds, just to build healing.

The thread of leaving my apartment in pajama pants so that I can crawl into the safe, adoptive bubble of the Big Cheese Oasis and draw from all its iterations of acceptance, beauty and nourishment.

The thread of generosity, which threw a rope over the waterfall of poverty, so I could get across. And I see all of these threads of love, and I know God has not failed me. Nor have I failed myself.

And I know that this life is good,

because you are with me and I am loved.

because I am with you and you are loved.

And then I can hold the tear-dampened cloth that is my life and say thank you.

Amen.

Caroline here again. I hope in this poem you can feel in every line the hope that surpasses understanding. May you find some hope for yourself in these words. To read more beautiful writings from Karla, you can check out her blog here. For stories from other survivors, click here.

Many blessings! Caroline

The post A Poem from a Survivor first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

Hello my friends! Do you love to read? I do! I have been a voracious reader since I was 8 years old. Mostly, I love to read fiction, a good release from a sometimes harsh world. My love of reading encouraged me to write 2 books of my own, books about experiencing and healing from domestic violence.

Shepherd, a site whose goal is to connect authors, readers and great books, asked me to share my 3 favorite reads from 2023. You can check out my list here.

They also asked many other authors for their favorite reads this year. You can find this list here.

I hope you find a few great reads from these lists!

Many blessings to each of you!

Caroline

The post My Three Favorite Reads of 2023 first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

Good morning! I am so excited to share this podcast by Sybil Cummin in which Lundy Bancroft discusses Kayden’s law, new legislation designed to protect children with abusive parents in the family court system.

Sybil Cummin and Lundy Bancroft

Let me make a few introductions. Sybil Cummin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado. She created the Beyond Power and Control community which is a training resource for professionals working with survivors of domestic violence. Sybil often works with the youngest victims, our children. She often talks about the harm our family courts create in the lives of these young victims as they are forced to spend time with their abusive parent.

In this podcast, Sybil interviews Lundy Bancroft. Lundy has been fighting for the rights of domestic violence victims and their children for 30 years. He is the author of 7 books about domestic violence, including Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,  When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, and The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics. 

To download the 53 minute podcast, click here.

Kayden’s Law

One of the first things Sybil and Lundy discuss is Kayden’s Law which has passed in the US legislature as part of the VAWA (Violence Against Women Act), and must be put into law in each state. This law is named for 7-year-old Kayden Mancuso. Kayden’s protective parent, Kathy Sherlock, fought to protect her from Kayden’s abusive father who had a documented history of violence and mental instability. When the courts denied her mom’s plea, Kayden was murdered by her abusive father. Kayden’s law seeks to:

1. Restrict expert testimony to only those who are appropriately qualified to provide it.
Evidence from court-appointed or outside professionals regarding alleged abuse may be admitted only when the professional possesses demonstrated expertise and experience in working with victims of domestic violence or child abuse, including child sexual abuse.

2. Limit the use of reunification camps and therapies which cannot be proven to be safe and effective.
No “reunification treatment” may be ordered by the court without scientifically valid and generally accepted proof of the safety, effectiveness and therapeutic value of the particular treatment.

3. Provide evidence-based ongoing training to judges and court personnel on family violence subject matter, including:
​
​(i) child sexual abuse;
(ii) physical abuse;
(iii) emotional abuse;
(iv) coercive control;
(v) implicit and explicit bias;
(vi) trauma;
(vii) long and short-term impacts of domestic violence and child abuse on children; and
(viii) victim and perpetrator behaviors.

​4. Mandate judges to consider evidence of past sexual or physical abuse, including protection orders, arrests, and convictions for domestic violence, sexual violence, or child abuse of the accused parent.

I am happy to report that in my home state of Colorado, Kayden’s Law was just passed. It currently is up for the vote in several other states.

What next? Activism.

While Lundy is pleased that Kayden’s Law has been passed in Colorado, he cautions listeners that this is just the beginning of the fight to make our family court system safe for children of domestic abusers. He notes that judges can get around this law by finding that the abusive parent is not abusive. Lundy believes that in order to make family courts safe for children, there needs to be a “dramatic increase in the number of activists” fighting for this cause.

He suggests picketing the court and publicly shaming judges and custody evaluators who give custody to abusive parents. He talks about New Jersey where picketers outside the court wore T-shirts with the offending judge’s picture printed on it. Wow, what an idea! As I’ve counseled women* who have lost custody of their kids to their abusive former partners, I’ve been furious, but never considered this type of activism.

In another district, protective mothers picketed with masks on their faces to hide their identity from retaliatory judges. This made the point that if women stand up to these judges, they might lose even more custody of their kids.

Lundy notes that if there are enough activists fighting against these rulings and being vocal in the community, we could build the kind of movement that will make radical changes in our family courts. He talks about the Mothers Against Drunk Driving movement which changed the culture from thinking drunk driving was funny and even admirable, to what we have today: the general population is aware of it and totally against those who drive drunk. Because of MADD, drunk driving laws are now enforced in a way they never were previously.

How Can Protective Parents Align?

If you are looking for a way to be a part of a protective mothers organization, check out the Protective Mothers’ Alliance International, co-founded by Lundy Bancroft. He also recommends the Center for Judicial Excellence which does a great job of supporting activists who often get exhausted by their continued legal struggle. Both Lundy and Sybil talk about ways that those in this fight often feel alone in their battle, and that we need to support each other in it.

Make public what is paid to lawyers and evaluators

Another one of Lundy’s ideas is to make public the amount of money paid to the lawyers and custody evaluators in these cases. Why? Lundy states that the worse job a custody evaluator does, the more money they make. If evaluators make an unfair ruling, and the battle is kept in the courts for years, the evaluator stands to make more money than one who makes a fair ruling and that is the end of it. He suggests that lawyers and evaluators be forced to seek payment through the court and that the COURT get them payment through the parents. In this way, the court will become aware of the massive amounts of money being paid to fight these custody battles, and the amounts will become public court records.

Training required for evaluators

Child and Family Investigators (CFIs) and Parental Responsibility Evaluators (PREs) may be trained as mental health practitioners, but are rarely trained in the dynamics of domestic violence, child neglect, child sexual abuse and what makes a good parent. Lundy notes that a psychological evaluation of a parent tells absolutely nothing about how good a parent they will be. He highly recommends specific training for these evaluators.

Lundy Bancroft, a novelist?

Lundy is known as a serious author of non-fiction books, some of which, frankly, are hard to read they are so discouraging. In an effort to educate the public about these issues in a more entertaining way, Lundy has written a suspense novel called In Custody: A Carrie Green Novel, a book about a mother and daughter who disappear during a custody battle. Lundy hopes the book might help a protective parent explain to others who can support her what is happening to her in custody court.

In Conclusion

Lundy concludes by encouraging protective parents to keep fighting for their kids. He notes how hard it is for protective parents to continue fighting for their children’s safety when everyone around them is telling them to shut up and sit down: judges, custody evaluators, attorneys (even their own attorneys), and people in the general public. He believes that no matter what the outcome of the court case(s), children will eventually realize and appreciate all you have done to protect them from the abusive parent. Often, kids are poisoned by the abusive parent to hate the protective parent. Lundy notes that he is aware of many cases where adult children of abuse turn back toward the protective parents. This is the good news in the midst of a lot of discouraging news.

The sad state of our family courts in cases of custody when domestic violence exists in the family is a hot button for me. I have written about this extensively. You can check out my blogs about this here. If you would like to read my book on healing after abuse (which includes help for your children), click here.

I pray each of you will be encouraged by today’s blog and this podcast by Lundy Bancroft. Please know that you are not alone in your fight for the safety of your children.

May each of you be blessed today,

Caroline

*Note: Lundy Bancroft believes that domestic violence is primarily a male perpetrated crime on females. Please be aware that abusers can be male or female, and so can their partners.

The post Lundy Bancroft Discusses Kayden’s Law first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.

When we finally get the courage to leave our abusive partners, we hope that our abuse is over. Sadly, that is rarely the case. Yes, we no longer have them in our homes, and that is wonderful. But, if we own property with them, or have children with them, we find that the abuser has no interest in leaving us alone. S/he has gotten used to abusing us, and that doesn’t end overnight. If there are finances or kids to be fought over, they will fight to the death to win. As you may be aware, the abuser’s goal is always to win. They want to win every argument, they want to see you impoverished, and most of all, they want to take away your most prized possession, your kids.

In order to win, they will use all the tools at their disposal: criticism, lies, manipulation, gaslighting . . . all the things they were doing to you when you were together. Often, they redouble their efforts because you have harmed their image of themselves (narcissistic injury) by saying you don’t want them anymore.

And even more sadly, the courts often help them win. I have written about this many times before. Because abusers are so adept at looking good to outsiders, they are often brilliant at convincing judges that they are the injured, reasonable party. Often, the abuser will get more custody of the kids than their victim. It is criminal.

There is another important reason that the abuser looks good to those on the outside. They have not been abused! Their victim has, and has all the signs of someone who has been abused: anxiety, depression, feeling weak and confused. It is at this point that the abuser has you just where s/he wants you. If they redouble their efforts with more abuse, then they can WIN.

So, what can you do?

In the past, there have not been many resources for the abused partner. Today, I have a few great ones to share.

Rising Beyond Power and Control

Sybil Cummin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado. Sybil started out wanting to counsel children. The more she did this, the more she came into contact with kids and parents who have experienced domestic violence. Watching the injustice of what happens to these people in court eventually led her to creating the Rising Beyond Power and Control, community. Today, I share three resources that Sybil has created.

Learning to play the game in communication

Communication with your ex is a challenge, to say the least. Click here for the link to her resource entitled Roadmap for Communicating with Your Narcissistic Ex. This is totally worth the 5 minutes this will take to read. I will summarize her main points here.

Slow. Things. Down. Don’t respond immediately to your ex. Take time to think about your response and wait until you are calm before you send it.Stay on topic. Only respond to things that deal with the children/finances.Be a speckled rock. I have written about going No Contact with your abuser in the past. Sybil points out that being a “grey rock” with your abuser can sometimes make you look bad to a judge in a custody case. She recommends being a “speckled rock.” This method still holds your boundaries, but sounds more friendly to a judge. One example: If s/he asks to have the children on a day not specified in your parenting plan, you could just say “No.” Or, you might say, “I wish that we were in a place to work collaboratively as co-parents to negotiate decisions like this and unfortunately, we are not there right now. I intend to follow the court order as it is written.”Maintain realistic expectations. Your abuser is not going to change overnight. This requires some patience.Turn off your empathy. You are no longer responsible for the well-being of your ex.BIFF. Your responses to your ex can strive to be: brief, informative, friendly and firm. For example, “Based on the information I have from the pediatrician, I do not agree.”Write as if the judge is being copied. The judge could very well read any of your responses the next time you are in court.Playing to win in court

This is the high-stakes round. How you navigate court may make the difference between mostly full custody of your kids and very little (or even no) time with them. Syble offers a great Family Court Checklist. Here is a summary of her points:

Organized documentation. This includes all financial documents and evidence of false claims your ex has made against you.Relationship with your attorney. Spend time finding the best one, and one that respects you and will work for YOUR goals in court.Communication with your ex. (See above). Make sure you are using written communication. An app like Talking Parents will be invaluable to you.Firm and compassionate boundaries. With your ex, yes, but also with others in your life. Don’t over-extend yourself right now. You are fighting a battle to win your children.Support system is ready. Make a list of all the people you can turn to when you need help. These people should be completely on your side, and will not EVER talk to your ex about what you are going through. If you don’t have anyone like this in your current friends and family, find new people. Support groups at your nearest domestic violence shelter can be invaluable.Tool belt of coping skills. Become aware of when you are in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Have a list of tools to help you move out of this back into a calm space, like grounding, deep breathing, safe space, container box, etc.Documentation workshop, resources and membershipSybil will be holding a documentation workshop Proactive and Prepared: A Documentation Workshop When Divorcing a Narcissist, Thursday, February 2nd, 2023 at 9:30 am MST where she will share tips and tricks to help you know what to document and how to organize it for a smoother and more confident path to your next court hearing.Click here for a great resource page.Sybil offers 3 levels of membership and support. Click here for more.

Thank you Sybil for all the great resources you have compiled!!

Family Court Corner

Angela created FamilyCourtCorner.com out of her hard-earned ten-year experience battling her ex for custody of her kids. She is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® with lots of resources to share.

Web-based Documentation System

This sounds like a game-changer! Rather than walking into court with a huge box of papers, this documentation system keeps everything at your fingertips online.

Services

Angela offers one-on-one coaching and texting help in the moment you need it. A woman I know swears by Angela’s advice and coaching. With Angela’s help, she was able to get close to full custody of her children.

A note from Caroline

I am praying that these resources will be a blessing to you. I would love any feedback you might have if/when you try these!

May you feel God’s presence as you fight the most difficult battle of your life.

Caroline

The post Playing your ex-abuser’s game to win in court first appeared on https://carolineabbott.com/.