Lynda Wallace's Blog
April 27, 2013
"What Is Happiness?" And Other Questions of the Week
This week I was interviewed by a number of journalists who are writing articles about my book, A Short Course in Happiness: Practical Steps to a Happier Life. They asked some great questions that encouraged me to distill the lessons of the research into the briefest, clearest responses I could come up with.
Here are a few of their best questions, along with my responses.
Q: What is happiness?
My favorite definition comes from Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, who describes happiness as the overall experience of pleasure and meaning. I like this definition because it makes clear the “both/and” nature of happiness. It’s about the overall experience (both in the moment and over the course of a life) of pleasure and meaning (that is, a life that is both enjoyable and purposeful).
Q: What makes us happy?
One of the best ways to answer this question is to study what very happy people have in common. It turns out that there are four things that very happy people do that make the difference, and we can all benefit by finding ways to do them in our own lives.
Appreciate: Focus on the positive by consciously choosing to appreciate and seek out the good things in life and not get too caught up with complaints and worries.
Cope: Accept that painful emotions and experiences are part of life, and use effective strategies to manage anxiety and to prevent self-doubt from limiting our potential.
Love: Develop and nurture strong, trusting relationships, and put those relationships at the center of our lives.
Work: Pursue meaningful goals that are in synch with our most important priorities and values and that contribute to our sense of purpose and meaning.
Q: Where can we start to achieve happiness?
Certain actions and habits are almost guaranteed to make us happier. Here are some of the most powerful:
- Actively nurturing our relationships
- Taking time to feel and express our gratitude for the good things in our lives
- Making it a priority to spend time doing things we enjoy with people we love
- Engaging in meaningful work (whether as an employee, a parent, or a volunteer)
- Getting regular exercise
- Making progress toward deeply felt goals and ambitions
Any or all of these steps can add up to have an enormous impact on our happiness and well-being.
Q: What are some myths about happiness?
Myth #1: “Happiness Is About Getting the Big Things Right”
It’s natural to think that if we were suddenly rich, beautiful, and living on the beach somewhere, then we’d be happy. But as it turns out, that type of good fortune has a surprisingly small impact on happiness.
Unless we’re in truly intolerable situations, we can have a much bigger impact on our happiness by cultivating positive emotional outlooks and habits than we can by changing the “big things,” such as where we live, how we look, and how even much we earn.
Myth #2: “I’ll be Happy When I Achieve My Goals”
I think we’ve all had the experience of working hard to achieve a goal, sure that its accomplishment would make us happy forever – or at least for a very long time – then wondering why the happiness didn’t last. And most of us can think of a time when we failed to achieve a long-sought ambition and felt as if we’d never recover from the disappointment, only to discover before too long that the failure didn’t ruin our happiness after all, and may have even had unexpected benefits.
Committed goal pursuit is one of the keys to a happy life. But it turns out that the ultimate achievement or disappointment isn’t the most important thing. Most of the impact that our goals have on our well-being comes while we’re making progress toward them, not after we achieve them. So it’s important that we choose goals that we’ll enjoy pursuing, and that contribute to our sense of purpose and meaning.
-—————————
Are you looking for ways to cope more effectively with life’s challenges, or to find work that will bring more enjoyment and meaning to your life? If you’d like to discuss changes you’d like to make and how working with me as your coach could help you break through the barriers, I hope you’ll schedule a complimentary consultation, either in-person or by phone. I’d look forward to talking with you.
- Lynda Wallace, Certified Positive Psychology Coach
Here are a few of their best questions, along with my responses.
Q: What is happiness?
My favorite definition comes from Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, who describes happiness as the overall experience of pleasure and meaning. I like this definition because it makes clear the “both/and” nature of happiness. It’s about the overall experience (both in the moment and over the course of a life) of pleasure and meaning (that is, a life that is both enjoyable and purposeful).
Q: What makes us happy?
One of the best ways to answer this question is to study what very happy people have in common. It turns out that there are four things that very happy people do that make the difference, and we can all benefit by finding ways to do them in our own lives.
Appreciate: Focus on the positive by consciously choosing to appreciate and seek out the good things in life and not get too caught up with complaints and worries.
Cope: Accept that painful emotions and experiences are part of life, and use effective strategies to manage anxiety and to prevent self-doubt from limiting our potential.
Love: Develop and nurture strong, trusting relationships, and put those relationships at the center of our lives.
Work: Pursue meaningful goals that are in synch with our most important priorities and values and that contribute to our sense of purpose and meaning.
Q: Where can we start to achieve happiness?
Certain actions and habits are almost guaranteed to make us happier. Here are some of the most powerful:
- Actively nurturing our relationships
- Taking time to feel and express our gratitude for the good things in our lives
- Making it a priority to spend time doing things we enjoy with people we love
- Engaging in meaningful work (whether as an employee, a parent, or a volunteer)
- Getting regular exercise
- Making progress toward deeply felt goals and ambitions
Any or all of these steps can add up to have an enormous impact on our happiness and well-being.
Q: What are some myths about happiness?
Myth #1: “Happiness Is About Getting the Big Things Right”
It’s natural to think that if we were suddenly rich, beautiful, and living on the beach somewhere, then we’d be happy. But as it turns out, that type of good fortune has a surprisingly small impact on happiness.
Unless we’re in truly intolerable situations, we can have a much bigger impact on our happiness by cultivating positive emotional outlooks and habits than we can by changing the “big things,” such as where we live, how we look, and how even much we earn.
Myth #2: “I’ll be Happy When I Achieve My Goals”
I think we’ve all had the experience of working hard to achieve a goal, sure that its accomplishment would make us happy forever – or at least for a very long time – then wondering why the happiness didn’t last. And most of us can think of a time when we failed to achieve a long-sought ambition and felt as if we’d never recover from the disappointment, only to discover before too long that the failure didn’t ruin our happiness after all, and may have even had unexpected benefits.
Committed goal pursuit is one of the keys to a happy life. But it turns out that the ultimate achievement or disappointment isn’t the most important thing. Most of the impact that our goals have on our well-being comes while we’re making progress toward them, not after we achieve them. So it’s important that we choose goals that we’ll enjoy pursuing, and that contribute to our sense of purpose and meaning.
-—————————
Are you looking for ways to cope more effectively with life’s challenges, or to find work that will bring more enjoyment and meaning to your life? If you’d like to discuss changes you’d like to make and how working with me as your coach could help you break through the barriers, I hope you’ll schedule a complimentary consultation, either in-person or by phone. I’d look forward to talking with you.
- Lynda Wallace, Certified Positive Psychology Coach
March 30, 2013
Interpretation and Action
How we interpret events doesn’t only affect how we feel; it affects what we do.
And that can make all the difference in the world.
Do you ever have to remind yourself to take your own advice?
I often lead workshops on topics such as managing anxiety, cultivating optimism, and developing strong relationships. It's something I really enjoy doing. But until now, I’ve only offered those workshops to adults. Yesterday, I led a workshop for a group of tenth grade students.
While I usually look forward to my workshops, I noticed late in the week that I felt a little anxious about this one. What if the students weren’t interested in the material? What if they didn’t take the exercises to heart or participate in the discussions?
I began to wish I hadn’t agreed to offer it. The day before the workshop, I found myself thinking, “I’m so busy right now, I really don’t need this extra thing to worry about.”
Then it struck me – it’s a workshop about emotional well-being and anxiety management, for heaven’s sake. Time to pay attention to my own material! So that’s exactly what I did.
Interpretation and Anxiety
In 1997, Dr. Joe Tomaka and his colleagues conducted a study with students who routinely experienced significant test anxiety. The study was simple. These students were given a test and asked to complete it. Half of the students were instructed to spend sixty seconds before the test thinking of the test not as a threat but as a challenge, an opportunity for them to show what they knew.
The students who spent that one minute re-framing the situation from a threat to an opportunity experienced much less test anxiety and did significantly better on the test than the students who hadn’t done the one-minute exercise.
I know this research backward and forward. I discuss it with clients all the time. But in this situation, I had to consciously remind myself to take it to heart.
So here’s what I did.
I took out a piece of paper and spent a couple of minutes writing down ways that I could consider the upcoming workshop as an opportunity for me rather than a somewhat stressful obligation. I jotted down that this is material that I genuinely value, that I care a lot about young people and was actually fortunate to have the opportunity to teach them something good and useful, and that I might very well learn something from their responses, stories, and insights.
It worked.
By the time I was done writing, I could feel the difference in my attitude toward the workshop. I began to look forward to it. And because I’d written it down rather than just thinking about it, it was easier for me to remember it when I needed a little reinforcement of my more positive thoughts about the workshop.
Here’s the most interesting part. I didn’t just think differently about the workshop. I acted differently in the workshop. Because I was thinking of it as an opportunity to share something that really mattered to me with people who could benefit from it, I felt more at ease and was more energetic, more creative, and better able to really listen to what the students had to say. The change in my attitude caused me to act differently than I otherwise would have, and I led a better workshop because of it.
Interpretation and Action
When we re-frame experiences, we don’t just change our thoughts. Our thoughts impact our feelings, and together they lead us to actually behave differently – and to get different results. It goes something like this.
DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION → DIFFERENT FEELINGS → DIFFERENT ACTIONS → DIFFERENT RESULTS
Actually, I suppose that should be in a circle, because when we act differently and get different results, that in turn changes our thoughts and our feelings. It’s a virtuous circle, and one well worth cultivating.
HERE ARE A FEW MORE WAYS TO USE THE POWER OF INTERPRETATION IN YOUR LIFE
WHEN SOMETHING YOU DO GOES POORLY
Re-frame it from proof of your inadequacy to an opportunity to grow and learn. This change in perspective can cause you to look for the lessons you can take from the experience -- and once you find them, you’re likely to act on them.
WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOUR FEELINGS
Try to re-frame the experience from something to suffer through to a chance to express yourself, open up the lines of communication, and improve your relationship.
WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING FOR THAT RUN OR WALK
Re-frame it from an unpleasant chore to a chance to take a break, stretch your legs, and get outdoors.
It can take some practice, but people who routinely take these steps to re-interpret feelings and events have been shown to learn more from failures, get more exercise, improve their relationships, and get past disappointments and setbacks more quickly. Some of these benefits come from the good feelings associated with a more positive perspective. But the biggest impacts come from the ways that those positive interpretations and feelings actually lead to different behavior.
After all, how we interpret events doesn’t only affect how we feel. It affects what we do. And that can make all the difference in the world.
Source: Cognitive and Physiological Antecedents of Threat and Challenge Appraisal, by Joe Tomaka and colleagues, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1997
Interested in learning more ways to turn your life in the direction you want to go? Visit my website at http://lyndawallace.com/. And if you might like some help making the turn, why not schedule a complimentary consultation to see if coaching might be right for you? I'd look forward to meeting with you, either in-person or by phone.
And that can make all the difference in the world.
Do you ever have to remind yourself to take your own advice?
I often lead workshops on topics such as managing anxiety, cultivating optimism, and developing strong relationships. It's something I really enjoy doing. But until now, I’ve only offered those workshops to adults. Yesterday, I led a workshop for a group of tenth grade students.
While I usually look forward to my workshops, I noticed late in the week that I felt a little anxious about this one. What if the students weren’t interested in the material? What if they didn’t take the exercises to heart or participate in the discussions?
I began to wish I hadn’t agreed to offer it. The day before the workshop, I found myself thinking, “I’m so busy right now, I really don’t need this extra thing to worry about.”
Then it struck me – it’s a workshop about emotional well-being and anxiety management, for heaven’s sake. Time to pay attention to my own material! So that’s exactly what I did.
Interpretation and Anxiety
In 1997, Dr. Joe Tomaka and his colleagues conducted a study with students who routinely experienced significant test anxiety. The study was simple. These students were given a test and asked to complete it. Half of the students were instructed to spend sixty seconds before the test thinking of the test not as a threat but as a challenge, an opportunity for them to show what they knew.
The students who spent that one minute re-framing the situation from a threat to an opportunity experienced much less test anxiety and did significantly better on the test than the students who hadn’t done the one-minute exercise.
I know this research backward and forward. I discuss it with clients all the time. But in this situation, I had to consciously remind myself to take it to heart.
So here’s what I did.
I took out a piece of paper and spent a couple of minutes writing down ways that I could consider the upcoming workshop as an opportunity for me rather than a somewhat stressful obligation. I jotted down that this is material that I genuinely value, that I care a lot about young people and was actually fortunate to have the opportunity to teach them something good and useful, and that I might very well learn something from their responses, stories, and insights.
It worked.
By the time I was done writing, I could feel the difference in my attitude toward the workshop. I began to look forward to it. And because I’d written it down rather than just thinking about it, it was easier for me to remember it when I needed a little reinforcement of my more positive thoughts about the workshop.
Here’s the most interesting part. I didn’t just think differently about the workshop. I acted differently in the workshop. Because I was thinking of it as an opportunity to share something that really mattered to me with people who could benefit from it, I felt more at ease and was more energetic, more creative, and better able to really listen to what the students had to say. The change in my attitude caused me to act differently than I otherwise would have, and I led a better workshop because of it.
Interpretation and Action
When we re-frame experiences, we don’t just change our thoughts. Our thoughts impact our feelings, and together they lead us to actually behave differently – and to get different results. It goes something like this.
DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION → DIFFERENT FEELINGS → DIFFERENT ACTIONS → DIFFERENT RESULTS
Actually, I suppose that should be in a circle, because when we act differently and get different results, that in turn changes our thoughts and our feelings. It’s a virtuous circle, and one well worth cultivating.
HERE ARE A FEW MORE WAYS TO USE THE POWER OF INTERPRETATION IN YOUR LIFE
WHEN SOMETHING YOU DO GOES POORLY
Re-frame it from proof of your inadequacy to an opportunity to grow and learn. This change in perspective can cause you to look for the lessons you can take from the experience -- and once you find them, you’re likely to act on them.
WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOUR FEELINGS
Try to re-frame the experience from something to suffer through to a chance to express yourself, open up the lines of communication, and improve your relationship.
WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING FOR THAT RUN OR WALK
Re-frame it from an unpleasant chore to a chance to take a break, stretch your legs, and get outdoors.
It can take some practice, but people who routinely take these steps to re-interpret feelings and events have been shown to learn more from failures, get more exercise, improve their relationships, and get past disappointments and setbacks more quickly. Some of these benefits come from the good feelings associated with a more positive perspective. But the biggest impacts come from the ways that those positive interpretations and feelings actually lead to different behavior.
After all, how we interpret events doesn’t only affect how we feel. It affects what we do. And that can make all the difference in the world.
Source: Cognitive and Physiological Antecedents of Threat and Challenge Appraisal, by Joe Tomaka and colleagues, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1997
Interested in learning more ways to turn your life in the direction you want to go? Visit my website at http://lyndawallace.com/. And if you might like some help making the turn, why not schedule a complimentary consultation to see if coaching might be right for you? I'd look forward to meeting with you, either in-person or by phone.
