Laura T. Emery's Blog

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By Marian Gorrell

Joanie smiled as she put a pink tutu and tiara on her piebald dachshund, Elsa.  She didn’t care if people thought she lost her marbles, she was a free spirit and wouldn’t be intimidated by her cranky neighbors. In fact, she decided that it was time for her to build Elsa her very own ice castle.

“Why are you wasting your time with that boondoggle?” asked an antediluvian acquaintance.  “Honestly, it’s nothing but profligate behavior!”

“Oh simmer down, I’ve had enough of your scurrilous banter,” Joanie retorted as she stacked blocks of ice in her front yard.  She knew everyone would be full of repentance when they saw the beautiful fruits of her labor.

All of a sudden, Jeanie became discombobulated by a ruckus that was going on behind her.  It seems that Elsa became excited by a praying mantis and took off after it.  That wouldn’t have been a problem except that Elsa was tethered to the barbeque… and weenies were cooking over an open fire.  Before she knew it the entire lawn, including the castle in progress, was victim to a horrific conflagration.

Several hours later, Joanie woke up in a hospital bed.  She looked around the room while shaking cobwebs from her head.  She noticed she had company… one of her particularly agelast neighbors.  “Whoa, that was a crazy fire, huh?” said Joanie to her visitor.

“I hope that teaches you a lesson,” asserted the humorless guest.  “I suppose that will bring an end to your buffoonery.”

“Not at all,” replied Joanie.  “I still owe Elsa a castle, and I was wondering if you would be willing to help me build one using those bed pans.”

“Stoopid” was all the neighbor could say, as she quickly exited the room.

NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS

 Buffoonery, bed pans, cobwebs, company, dachshund, discombobulated, free spirit, hospital bed, ice castle, marbles, praying mantis, repentance, stooped, simmer, willing 

UNUSUAL WORDS

 agelast– a person who never laughs

antediluvian– ridiculously old-fashioned

boondoggle– work or activity that is wasteful or pointless but gives the appearance of having value.

conflagration– an extensive fire that destroys a great deal of land or property

piebald– having irregular patches of two colors, typically black and white

profligate– recklessly extravagant or wasteful in the use of resources

scurrilous– making or spreading scandalous claims about someone with the intention of damaging their reputation

  WORD CONTRIBUTORS  

Andrea Randall, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, David Ramquist, Denise Sherman, Donna Wolz, Gene, Harley Christensen, Joanie Sanders, Joyce, Julia Mason, Julian White, Karen Treen, Kristi Van Howling, Laura T Emery, Nenette M., Robin, Robyn K, Sharyn, Suzan

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And we’ll turn them into a story for Flash Fiction Fun, September 29, 2017!

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By Marian Gorrell

Jenny lazily chewed wintergreen gum while browsing through her roll-a-dex.  She was planning a cosplay party, and choosing which of her friends would be lucky enough to receive an invitation to her new home in Arcadia.  She considered having a themed party, and then decided not to have any stupid rules governing their fun.  It would be exciting to see what characters her friends came up with.

The night of the party she glanced at her reflection in the mirror, feeling beautiful as adjusted her Princess Leia bikini.  Jenny turned on some dance music, and waited for her guests to arrive.  Moments later, Cruella de Vil strolled through the door with eight spotted puppies marching successively behind her.

“You brought live animals to my house!?” exclaimed Jenny.

“I was going for authenticity,” said Cruella, in her usual succinct manner, and wandered off in search of cocktail weenies.

Jenny was about to go after her when she was intercepted by a Bluetiful Crayola wearing winklepicker shoes.  “Hey,” said Bluetiful, “do you have any brownie mix?  I brought some sativa.”

Jenny answered, “yeah, check the pantry.  But you’re going to have to cook it in the microwave because there’s something wrong with the oven.  And make sure you stir the mix really well.  Last time I was picking grit out of my teeth for days.”

Just then, Jenny heard a sound that made her blood boil to a slow burn.  It was the unmistakable “hhhkkkkk hhhkkkkk” of canine gagging.  She looked over in time to see one of the pups regurgitate hot wings all over her new plush carpeting.

“WTF?!” cried Jenny nudging the dog out the door with her foot with opprobrium.

“Have some compassion,” said Cruella, “Snickerdoodle has a belly ache.  Poor lil Snickerdoodle-woodle.”

Jenny gaped, “seriously?  I’m getting lessons on compassion from Cruella de Vil??”

And then “bbbbzzt.”  Total darkness.

“Now what?” the exasperated hostess yelled.

“Sorry!” came the voice of a certain Crayon from the kitchen.  “There must have been a voltage surge or something.  The brownies are done, but I think you may need a new microwave.”

Jenny fumbled in the darkness to find some candles.  She lit one and turned around to see Gaston leaning against the wall with a heroic disposition, flashing a glimpse of his hairy armpit.  “Don’t worry Princess,” he said, “I’ll go find the circuit breaker.  Why don’t you take the rest of the party outside to enjoy the cool breeze under the extraordinary full moon?”

“What a cheeseball,” thought Jenny, but took his advice and led the group of royalty, villains, and well… school supplies out to the backyard.

Jenny sat back on a lounge chair thinking she could finally relax, but no, Bluetiful stripped off her costume and began dancing naked in the moonlight.

“How many of those damned brownies did you eat?” asked Jenny, wishing the night would just end.

“Sorry about the bare ass, but I can’t help myself.  I have selenophilia and it tends to bring out my adamitism.  I feel like the planets are aligned in perfect syzygy”

Suddenly, the lights in the house flicked back on, and Jenny breathed a momentary sigh of relief.  She walk back inside to find a six foot tall double helix throwing water on her drapes.

“What the heck are you doing, DNA?” she wailed, near tears.

“Uh, more specifically, I’m CRISPR.  And uh, I knocked over a candle.  Sorry about the drapes… they’re a little singed.”

“Ok, everybody out!” Jenny shouted “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.  Go to the Philippines for all I care!  And drop some specie on the table on your way out.  You are all helping pay for the damages!”

When everyone was gone and the house was silent, Jenny finally reclined on her sofa and nibbled a brownie.  “Damn!” she thought, “I haven’t felt this discombobulated since my alien abduction by a Luxen colony.”

NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS

alien abduction, Arcadia, beautiful, circuit breaker, compassion, cosplay, disposition, discombobulated, extraordinary, grit, hairy armpit, Philippines, puppies, reflection, regurgitate, Roll-a-dex, slow burn, stupid rules, successively, succinct, voltage, wintergreen

UNUSUAL WORDS

adamitism– the practice of going naked

bluetiful– a new Crayola color

CRISPR– a family of DNA sequences in bacteria that contains snippets of DNA from viruses that have attacked the bacterium.

Luxen colony– Alien characters out of Jennifer L. Armentout’s Lux series with special powers and made of light.

opprobrium– harsh criticism or censure

sativa– an annual herbaceous plant in the cannabis genus.

selenophilia– loving the moon and finding it soothingly captivating.

specie– money in the form of coins rather than notes

syzygy– a conjunction or opposition, especially of the moon with the sun.

winklepicker– a shoe with a long pointed toe, popular in the 1950’s

WORD CONTRIBUTORS

A.m. Donovan, Amy Matalon-Graham, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Charlie, Cheryl J Bender Albertelli, David Ramquist, Debbie Denney, Denise Sherman, Diane Dale, Donna Wolz, Gene, Joanie Sanders, Joseph Rose, Julia Mason, Karen Treen, Laura T Emery, Lynne Tiktin-Arias, Michele Feldman Borenstein, Michelle Schaubert, Nenette M., Nicole Morrow, Paco Gonzalez, Robyn K, Sandra S., Sharyn, Stephanie Russell, Suzan

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And we’ll turn them into a story for Flash Fiction Fun, September 15, 2017.

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By Marian Gorrell

Alexiandramaria sat in her Granny’s small living room the weekend before she was due to go to high school registration.  She was bored as usual, wondering why she had to suffer just because her parents had some altruistic idea that Granny actually needed company once in a while.  If it was that important, why weren’t they here themselves?

“Lexi, have I ever told you about how I met your Gramps?” asked Granny, nit-picking over her knitting.  “Oh phooey,” she added, while tinking back a yarn over.   “I seem to be visiting the frog pond a lot these days,”

“No, I haven’t heard that one Granny,” yawned Lexi, hoping this story wasn’t going to take very long.’

“Back in those days I worked in a bank… escrow accounts and whatnot.  Now I want to underscore that I wasn’t an embezzler or anything, but sure, I skimmed a bit off the top to get the money for my birthday weekend trip to Woodstock.”

“Granny!” exclaimed Lexi, suddenly interested in the story.  She munched her popcorn and jellybeans waiting for Granny to continue.

“Oh sure, you thought your grandparents were just a couple of boring grabatologists, who had nothing better to do than look forward to tenebrae,” said Granny, her voice suddenly vitriolic.  “I tell you, we were a couple of free-spirits who enjoyed plenty of shenanigans in our day.

“Anyway, as I was saying,” Granny continued, “I worked in a bank, and the day your Gramps walked in was pure serendipity.  What a handsome young scrapper he was.  He walked straight up to me and said, ‘hey Kitten I bet you’re a Virgo.’  Sure, I knew it was a cheesy line, but we were indivisible from then on.

“Child, go get that photograph from the chifforobe,” said Granny.  Lexi scrambled to comply.

The photo showed an alabaster skinned damsel and a mischievous looking young man.

“Granny, you were so beautiful!” said Alexiandramaria, full of wonder.

“Of course I was,” retorted Granny.  “Your Gramps used to say I was vulpine.  I guess maybe I was.”  Granny chuckled at the memory.  “As I said, we went to Woodstock, and what a crazy time that was!  We spread out our sheepskin rug next to a man who claimed to be a necromancer and we took some LSD. Oh, I felt as though I was caught in an oe, and when Hendrix came on stage I bared my bazooms and….”

THUD!!

Granny looked over to see her granddaughter passed out on the floor from shock.

“What a square,” mumbled Granny.  She lit a joint and went back to her knitting.

NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS

alabaster, Alexiandramaria, altruistic, bazooms, birthday weekend, chifforobe, damsel, embezzler, escrow, high school registration, indivisible, jellybeans, kitten, necromancer, nit-picking, popcorn, scrapper, serendipity, sheepskin, shenanigans, underscore, Virgo, vulpine, Woodstock

UNUSUAL WORDS

grabatologists-people who collect neckties

oe– whirlwind

tenebrae– matins and lauds for the last three days of Holy Week, at which candles are successively extinguished.

tinking back– unknitting to fix a mistake

visiting the frog pond– ripping out stitches to fix mistakes that you missed earlier

vitriolic-filled with bitter criticism or malice

yarn over– when you bring your yarn to the front of the work, then, when you go to knit the next stitch, the working yarn goes up and over your needle creating an extra loop on your needle as it makes that next stitch.

WORD CONTRIBUTORS

Andrea, Andrea Randall, Ann Michael, Barb, Barbara Shanahan, Brenda, Carol Luciano, Charlie, Cheryl Albertelli, David, David Ramquist, Denise Sherman, Donna Wolz, Gene, Jane Sellman, Joanie Sanders, Julia Mason, Julian White, Lynne Tiktin-Arias, Robin, Robyn K, Samantha Day, Sandra S., Sharyn, Suzan, Teresa, Yvonne Villegas

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And we’ll turn them into a fun story for Flash Fiction Fun with Words from Online Friends, September 1st!

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The coffee klatch liked to abuse the ten minute break rule, but I couldn’t help but crave the novelty of their gathering. The six of them stood in matching salopettes like they were about to build a snowman.

“Hey guys, can I join in?”

“We wouldn’t share a bomb shelter with you during an explosive war,”  that brat April from the mailroom answered with her glabella furrowed.

Just because I had reported her once or twice for being a profligate of resources, and another time when her mohair sweater made my allergies flare up. I couldn’t help being a pundit on company policy, the direct link to administration. But that bodacious guy from accounting was amongst the myriad of wayward workers and I desperately wanted to get to know him.

“I’m a Scorpio,” I said, leaning into him.

“Get lost, snitch!” April spat.

“I have the freedom to talk to anyone I want to,” I replied, but walked away to cauterize my wounds.

I went home and indulged my clinomania, sleeping for twelve hours. The next day I dipped into the cash in my armoire trying to appeal to their emacity for tangible things. I decided to parade in on their coffee break with a plethora of daylily crowns surrounded by equisetum plants.

“Did you go to a bargain basement flower shop, Snitch?” April asked.

I ignored her. “These are for you, Scrumptious.” I said trying to appeal to the accounting guy’s narcissism. “Do you want to go to a cabaret?”

He glanced at April before saying, “sure,” with a smile.

Scrumptious and I left the coffee klatch arm in arm but not before I gave April a valedictory wave.

WORD CONTRIBUTERS

Andrea, Andrea Randall, Barbie Urteaga, Bertha Rayas, Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Carol Luciano, Caroline Camper Jacks, Charlie, Cheryl J Bender Albertelli, Cheryl Pelky, David Ramquist, Diane Dale, Donna Wolz, Gail Powell, Gene Albertelli, Harley Christensen, James A Emery Jr, Joanie Sanders, Julia Mason, Julian White, Lora Mallett, Lynne Tiktin-Arias, Mare Gorrell, Nenette M., Paco Gonzalez, Robin Albertelli, Robyn K, Sandra S., Sharyn, Teresa Garcia, Valarie Venuti

NORMAL PEOPLE WORDS

abuse, April, armoire, bomb shelter, brat, cabaret, cash, cauterize, explosive, freedom, link, narcissism, novelty, parade, plethora, Scorpio, scrumptious, snowman, tangible

UNUSUAL WORDS

coffee klatch— a social gathering for conversation while drinking coffee.

daylily crown—the small white core located between leaves and roots, that is the modified stem of the daylily plant.

emacity— desire or fondness for buying

equisetum— a plant of a genus that comprises the horsetails.

glabella— the smooth part of the forehead above and between the eyebrows.

mohair— the long, silky hair of the angora goat.

myriad— a countless or extremely great number.

profligate— recklessly extravagant or wasteful in the use of resources.

pundit— an expert in a particular subject or field who is frequently called on to give opinions about it to the public.

salopettes— a one-piece garment similar to overalls, with a front flap and shoulder straps or a full sleeveless top, worn for skiing, sailing, etc.

valedictory— serving as a farewell.

URBAN DICTIONARY WORDS

bargain basement— a part of a store where goods are sold cheaply, typically because they are old or imperfect.

bodacious— excellent, admirable, or attractive.

and we’ll turn it into an irreverent story for Flash Fiction Fun with Online Friends, August 18.[image error]

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By Marian Gorrell

“Dude, you won’t even believe what happened,” said my buddy Ringo when he got home from his school trip.  His name wasn’t really Ringo, but he insisted we call him that, because he dreamed of being a famous drummer, like that Beatle guy.  His band camp usually took a short road trip once a year where they would participate in local music festivals.  But this year, the band benefitted from the magnanimity of a generous donor, and they went on a trip to Thailand.  I was eager for his return because he is quite the raconteur, and I knew he would have an exciting story to tell.

“First of all, I seriously over-packed for the trip,” he said, “and while lugging my impedimenta to the hotel, I wound up aggravating an old shoulder impingement injury.  The pain was distracting, so I didn’t notice a spilled slurpee on the floor and I slipped and twisted my ankle.  Despite my injuries I was still ambulatory so I left my luggage in my room and limped off by my single self to explore the surrounding area.

“Not sure where I was going, I just followed a random trajectory that led me to a stupendous bazaar.  I wondered if it was some sort of telepathy or just plain serendipity that took me there, because I was feeling edacious, and there were several food vendors within.”

Ringo sighed and shook his head slowly. “Looking back, I should have known all those people were in collusion because they descended on me like fresh meat.  A bleached blond woman who kinda looked like Jynx asked me if I wanted to try her puss.  I asked what she meant by that and she said, ‘it’s octopus darling.’ She gave me the creeps so I asked her if it was poison, and she told me to get lost.

“Then some bellicose egomaniac asked if I would help him cross-pollinate his puss. ‘WTF?’ I asked him, and he said, ‘it’s a pussy willow.  I’m trying to get it to rebloom.  What did you think I meant, you little creep?’

“I finally figured out that they were messing with me when a tall thin woman with heavy makeup said, ‘I don’t even have a puss, but can offer you a little hose in hose double action.’

“I turned and stumbled out of there while all those deplorables laughed contumely at me.  I think I’m going to need psychoanalytic counseling for a long time.  I don’t  know what possessed those fallible chaperones to take a bunch of kids to Bangkok!”

Normal People Words

ambulatory, band camp, bazaar, bleached blond, collusion, cross-pollinate, deplorables, egomaniac,

fallible, limped, magnanimity, octopus, poison, psychoanalytic, rebloom, Ringo, road trip, school, serendipity, single self, slurpee, stupendous, telepathy, Thailand, trajectory 

Unusual Words

bellicose– demonstrating aggression and willingness to fight

contumely– insolent or insulting language or treatment

edacious– relating to or given to eating

Hose in hose double– a hose connector

Impedimenta– equipment for an activity or expedition, especially when considered as bulky or an encumbrance.

Impingement– a shoulder condition

Jynx– a bipedal humanoid Pokemon that resembles a woman.

raconteur– a person who tells anecdotes in a skillful and amusing way

Word Contributors

Anna Howe, Barb Ellen, Barbara Joan Grubman, Barbie Urteagam Brenda Scott-Manzur, Bridgett, Carmen Ferrer-Torres, Carol Luciano, Charlie, Cheryl Albertelli, Denise Sherman, Denise Victoria, Diane Dale, Donna Wolz, Gene Albertelli, Harley Christensen, Jackieray Mays, James A Emery Jr., Joanie Sanders, Joy Clarin Soriano, Julia Mason, Julian White, Ledbetter Duwane, Lynne Tiktin-Arias, Michelle Shaubert, Mitsy Pricell, Robin Albertelli, Robyn K, Sharyn, Suzan, Thia Finn Cindy Griffin, Valarie Venuti

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… and we’ll turn them into a story for Flash Fiction Fun with Friends, August 11.