Bella Roccaforte's Blog

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I went to my first concert since The Before Times. The Menzingers, Descendents, and Rise Against.

It was a privilege being able to see the godfathers of punk rock! They were very good, and I was not disappointed.

We did miss The Mezingers so no commentary on them, sorry.

Rise Against has always been a band that I liked, have some songs on my spotify playlists. They have a few songs that have a pretty deep meaning for me. They’ve never been on my “top 10 favorite bands ever”. But I still enjoy their music.

Something happened at that show, though. Something amazing. There are some very specific ingredients I need to really enjoy a show. Awesome sound and to be able to FEEL the music, great energy, and heart. Rise Against beyond delivered in all three categories.

It was so compelling and comforting how human the band was. We all, as a WORLD, have suffered a trauma. There were many that didn’t make it, 4.27 million and counting have died from Covid 19. That number does not include the number of suicides, complications from covid long haulers, or people that have died due to medical neglect because of covid (hospitals being full, lack of available equipment, not being able to see the dr. on time for cancer diagnosis, etc).

There were several points where Tim, the singer, stopped and connected with the audience. Not in the typical “Hello Atlanta.” But more like, “Hello fellow survivors. I see you; I felt the pain you felt and still feel, and I feel the hope that you so desperately need right now that this is going to really end.”

Seeing that I’m not the only one that’s wrecked from all that has happened, that we really were all part of this shared trauma made me feel a little normal. It gave me permission to grieve for those I’ve lost and for the last year and half that so much of my life has been upheaved and on hold.

We all suffered some sort of loss over the last year and half, some more than others.

The human connection they made with the audience and more specifically me was exactly what my soul needed. Being a creative person through this has been absolute hell. I haven’t been able to write anything worth a damn. Between crippling depression, a life interrupted, family problems, and work; it has been impossible to really create. I think this pandemic hit creatives much harder with our pretty little butterfly souls that just want to love and create. It changed us. It disappointed us. We had no choice but to take off our rose-colored glasses and see the ugly world for what it is.

With all the creatives largely being unable to create the world became an even darker place. I watched as many of my writing colleagues crumbled into the same pile of darkness I’ve been living in. We’re all struggling to get out. We’re all struggling to continue to create, some are doing amazing, and I want to be like them. Elaine Barris, Monica LaPorta, Jennifer Armentrout…I’m looking at you. I’m watching, I see you and I’m inspired by your ability to move through this with grace and beauty.

But that show last night feels like a game changer for me on so many levels. The band played a few songs they wrote during the pandemic. The Numbers – WOW, just WOW. If that song doesn’t embody so much of American life over the last 18 months, I don’t know what does. Broken Dreams, Inc. felt like a commentary on what we’ve gone through as a nation with #BLM, the election and the pandemic.

It was all so profound and provocative.

But the human piece, the connection piece. That was what really lead my heart at the show. As some of you may know I lost a very dear friend less than two weeks ago. He died from suicide. My heart still aches and likely will for the rest of my life. But its raw right now. It’s lurking beneath the surface pushing against my need to hold it together for everyone else. Even though, now, I’m home things are settled, and I have permission to let it out, I’m having trouble. It’s skulking just below the surface of my calmish exterior.

This was my second funeral in July, the first another “adopted” family member. He also died from suicide.

In February, my dear friend’s son also died from suicide.

Last night I was lead deep into thought and healthy grief with the loving hands of music created by the artists on the stage. I sobbed for our world and those that will never know the wonderful people that were in such a dark place, they felt as though there were only one way out. I sobbed for families of others who may, at this moment, be in that same dark place. I pray that they will reach out. There are no clear symptoms or signs anymore. We’re all still living in this fog of regret and pain caused by the lack of humanity our world has exhibited over the last 18 months.

Last night I sobbed because I was among humans, and it was okay to let it out. It was safe.

The band was amazing in the care it took with the audience. There was a young boy on the front row holding artwork he had created for the band. Tim stopped the show and took time to not only acknowledge the boy, but to show all of us what he had created. I felt special just being part of that exhilarating moment that will live long into that boy’s life. He will never forget that special moment and I got to be part of that.

I was part of Tim’s own admissions of his struggles with the pandemic and he acknowledged everyone else’s. It was the first time in a long time that I truly felt that we were all in this together.

So, to the band, Rise Against, I thank you for helping me feel when I’ve been so afraid of my own emotions. Thank you for giving me hope and being the light that we all need right now.

Be kind. Be good. Be understanding and don’t forget to carpe the fuck out of every diem.

Now I’m going to go and hug my babies, do some laundry, and then get to writing. I’ve got some books to write now, and I’m going to do it.

Burning Marshmallow

We all have good years and bad years. What was the difference with 2020? We all collectively dealt with a rough year. In our living history we have never collectively had a bad year.

We’re going through this dumpster fire together. It became painfully apparent that doing it together would be the only way to make it better. Sadly, there were so many who chose not to band together, close our human ranks and douse the fire.

For those of us who have experienced trauma, this was a little more intense than usual. But all in all, we sat back, watched the world burn, and roasted marshmallows.

This year we learned so many things. For me personally here’s my list. I learned:

That the United States is so much more racist than I thought possible.That nothing can send the human race into a panic like the thought of not being able to wipe their ass.  That people we once loved and respected are selfish, pig bastards that do not care for anyone but themselves.That we have to expressly and explicitly tell people not to kill black people. Seriously, what the fuck?That most people that said they could live in a remote cabin for a year did not really know themselves very well.Twisted Tea will likely be the ATF’s next target to limit the use and purchase of.That there are people that do not and never will understand science.That bitch teacher that had no patience for my child…yeah, I owe her an apology. (can I get an amen from digital learning parents)That people that say, “If it’s my time to die, then so be it.” Have no understanding that it’s not really them I’m concerned about. It’s all the people they will infect along the way that don’t want to die.That you can never love someone enough for them to want to be kind to you.That most people really aren’t interested in your struggle.Who my true friends are. Hold on to them. Cherish them. ß you know who you are.That no one needs 4,000 Facebook friends. I’m doing just fine down to 1,500 or so.That people aren’t interested in changing their mind or admitting that they may have been wrong, and they will vehemently defend their position.That blood is NOT thicker than water.I’m not pizza or tacos. I can’t make everyone happy.For all of the people I’ll never be “enough” for – Sorry, not sorry. That’s on you, Fuck yourself.There are a lot of people that have never before been through trauma need a trauma buddy to walk them through it. I feel so bad for y’all.That no amount of pain you feel for the loss of someone will bring them back or help them.That I’m weary from writing bereavement tickets for my people at work.My soul is stupid…go home soul, you’re drunk. HahahaThat if someone genuinely cares about you, you can express how you feel and what you want, and they will not abandon you. They will listen and make you feel special.Learned through therapy to stand up for myself. I’ve ended many toxic relationships.That someone that is truly invested in you will be patient and not try to change you.Be patient with myself, I’m a work in progress.

So many more lessons but I can’t think of them right now. All in all, if you set aside the death and destruction of the lack of humanity in the world, I’ve actually had a decent year.

Started some beautiful new healthy relationships.Set a higher standard for whom I will give everything to.Reconnected with two of the most important people in my world ß you know who you are.Started a publishing company.Released a box set in a pandemic. 0 out of 5, do not recommend.Moved forward boldly in all the things I was meant to.Built a home gym. Like, a really cool one.I bought a truck. Not any truck but the truck I’ve wanted for a very long time. I did it, I overcame all of the bullshit and dug out of the hole that the piece of shit I was married to put me in and I did it!I didn’t die.And once again, on a daily basis I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have Ava.

So 2020, for most it was pretty bad. I’m choosing to live on the bright side. Overall, I had many more gains than losses. I know I’m one of the lucky ones in this.

Let’s approach 2021 as something full of possibilities. To either learn or continue to be good to yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to disregard others, it’s all part of it.

There’s an important thing to remember. Life is a series of ups and downs. You are defined by your actions at both extremes.

I will always choose kindness whether at the top or the bottom.

Something y’all should know about me. I’ve been banned from funerals because I turn into a stand up comedienne. It’s what happens to my brain in dire situations. I can’t help it.

I’ve been in isolation for longer than most as I’m considered
“high risk” and would rather not die from something that EVERYONE
else is dying from, how passé right? I’m thinking I’m going to go out with a
knife full of frosting in my mouth and I trip over a dog/kid/pair of shoes/a
pile of mystery kid sox that magically appeared/whatever, you get the picture.

How isolation has changed my life – yeah, I can’t go to the gym.
That’s pretty much it for me. AND I have my kids at home, which I LOVE. I love
having them here and being around them because they are so cool. Other than that,
there hasn’t been much of an impact. I buy my staples and paper products at the
beginning of every month, so I’m good well into April just based on my normal
buying cycles.

But here we go with a list of shit I’ve been thinking about and
asking, silently:

Did Italy run out of TP? If Italy did run out of TP, how are they doing now? I mean we all know they are still asshole deep in this thing, but how clean are the assholes right now? If I have enough TP to last me through mid-April will supply chains be back to some sort of normal or will all y’all assholes still be panic buying it? If supply chains normalize by mid-April, should I just get my normal month’s supply, or should I get the whatever = 18 rolls?While making my coffee yesterday morning I had this though: If supply chains do not normalize by mid-April…Damn, I could use coffee filters for TP. I now have even more love and respect for the coffee filters. When I shared that little gem of a thought with Fox and Twila we had this exchange:
Fox:  “Mom, I don’t want to wipe my butt with coffee grounds.”
Me: “They wouldn’t be USED coffee filters.”
Fox: “Won’t that be gross for your coffee?”
Me: “Gross, no. I wouldn’t then use them as coffee filters.”
Twila: “What are you worried about you don’t wipe your butt anyway.”
Me – thinking to myself: This is why a month’s supply of TP lasts me a month and a half. I should work on this with him…after the crisis.
Fox: “Seems to me I’m superior in this crisis and doing my part to help the ladies in the house.”
Me – thinking to myself: Shit I have to do laundry. What if people catch on to my coffee filter idea, will there be a shortage? I should keep that shit to myself. How did I not know that Walmart stopped selling handgun ammo? What would I do for a Klondike bar? Why do I care? I don’t even like Klondike bars. If the US does issue checks to everyone, when will this happen, and should I actually accept it since my work hasn’t been effected because I work from home? Yes, you should totally accept it, you’re a broke ass bitch raising two kids on your own. Could I turn the room outside my office into a mini gym? Because I need to do something. How are dumbbells so expensive?I need to figure out some new workouts. If I do get my tax return and get a treadmill delivered will I be able to put it together myself?Would they really close the liquor stores? What the hell was I thinking four weeks ago when I let Twila talk me into going to Waffle House. Because of course the first fucking case of Covid-19 was a WaHo in my county. I love my WaHo and I’ll see y’all when this is over. Fuck the toilet paper, do I have enough coffee? I wonder when people will catch on that there is still PLENTY of fresh fruits and veg available and stop buying shit that’s bad for them like chips and ramen. Do people in the UK call tortilla chips, tortilla crisps? I need to ask Ava. God dammit, she’s not online. I’ll update you. UPDATE: we had a very lengthy conversation about tortilla and tortilla chips. They call them tortilla chips. I also learned that mince is just ground beef. Are they going to cancel all the concerts this summer? I should check the website. Nothing there, I’ll ask Swathi, she knows things. God dammit, she’s not online. UPDATE: she hasn’t heard anything either.Am I going to get in trouble for a call I had this week? When a customer’s hair for her weave was stolen from her front porch and I said, “somebody snatched your weave?” She didn’t think it was funny, in case you were wondering. Not that I ever leave my house, but will I freak out when I CAN’T leave my house….nah.If I did a big google hangout with my facebook friends would they come?Would the Walmart delivery guy think it was rude if I put a sign on the door that said, leave bags on steps….oooh, I’ll put a smiley face on it, that will make it okay. Shit, they are out of meat, even the shitty frozen meat my broke ass buys. Eh, we’ll make due. Why the fuck didn’t I write my flu vaccine conspiracy book that I wanted to write last summer? Fuck. Why am I writing this blog post instead of working on the book that’s past due. If I actually get my ex to agree to a settlement, will the judge still sign it now or do I have to wait until this is all over. Stop being selfish, Bella, it’s been four and half years, you’ll make it another few months. Fuck he’s a shit lord. Why is my dog suddenly constantly under my chair when he always would lay on his couch? How the hell is my dog so damn cute. Fuck you Doc, dogs lay, people lie. Boy, truer words have never been spoken. Does it make me a bad person that I hope all the assholes that aren’t doing the right thing get sick? Fuck it does make me an asshole. Okay universe please protect all the assholes.

So, there’s a little stream of consciousness from Bella. Enjoy.

I’d love to hear some of your questions. Comment below.

The whole world is under quarantine. Sounds like the beginning of really great dystopian novel, right? 

Point is, it’s not, it’s our present reality. It can be scary, frustrating and here in the US we’ve just started the days of quarantine. 

I’m one of those people that like to make things better, easier for people. That’s pretty hard to do from home, when they also have to stay home. 

What I’ve decided to do is give y’all something to read. I know that a lot of folks are not able to work, either because your workplace has shut down or your school district has shut down and you have to take care of your kids – that’s the boat I’m in. 

No strings attached. You get the whole series. If you like it, I would love for you to leave a review, but it’s not necessary. If you like it, sign up for my mailing list and see what else I might be putting out. But none of that is necessary. Just please enjoy it!

So without further ado I hope you enjoy the Deadly Dreams series. I LOVED writing it. It’s my first series, Fine Lines was the first book I ever wrote and published. It’s a little rough around the edges, but I hope it entertains you! 

So on me, enjoy the Deadly Dreams series. 

You can get it free here: 

Fine Lines (Deadly Dreams Book 1)

Vanishing Point (Deadly Dreams Book 2)

Abstraction (Deadly Dreams Book 3)

Darken (Deadly Dreams Book 4)

Bold Strokes (Deadly Dreams Book 5)

 

Some of you may know I was raised in a polytheistic home. My
mother was Protestant, my father Catholic.

Today I am choosing to recognize Ash Wednesday as it was meant
to be. A period of renewal and preparation.

What is it, you ask, that I’m giving up for Lent?

Bullshit. Yes, that’s right. I’m giving up bullshit.

Now, don’t think me disrespectful. I mean it! It’s something
that I’ve been giving a lot thought to. Not because I want to become a
practicing Catholic again, but because I have the intellectual acumen to see
the good in the original intent.

But think about this for a minute.

In our society of extreme and unrecognized deservency issues, we
all put up with so much bullshit in our lives. We’ve come to depend on it. We
use it to deprive ourselves of happy relationships, good meals, self-care and
more.

So join me in giving up bullshit for Lent.

I will not be eating meat today, or any Friday during Lent. Not
because I want to be Catholic again, but because I want to observe the
ceremony.

I’m not going to the church to get my ashes – y’all know that
shit would catch fire the moment I walked in the building.

But I am going to focus the next 40 days on giving up the bullshit.
Focusing on selfcare and taking the time that I WANT to take with my children and
myself.

So, yes for Lent I’m giving up something toxic and treating myself
well.

I’m not a religious scholar and was never a good Catholic but I’m
thinking this may be what they had in mind when they said – A time of renewal.

Join me, come to the bright side and enjoy this time.

Dark Moon Falls - Keaton by Alyssa Rose Ivey




















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Olive is good at running. You might even say she is the best at it, but it may finally be time for her to stop. With nowhere else to go, she reluctantly returns to her hometown of Dark Moon Falls, and the only man she has ever loved.

 

Keaton has been waiting. He knew Olive would eventually come back home, and this time he’s going to make sure she never leaves. After all, she is his destined mate. 

 

Wracked by guilt by her role in the disappearance of Keaton’s brother, Olive reluctantly agrees to work with Keaton to hunt him down. Finding the missing wolf is one thing, resisting her sexy partner is a challenge she never saw coming. 

Dark Moon Falls - Ghost by D.J. Bryce




















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Ghost has been living the life of a nomad. A Lone Wolf. Riding his Harley, picking up odd jobs, and stopping only long enough to lay his head somewhere for the night. But life on the road is no longer as appealing as it used to be and he’s ready to settle down, find a mate, and begin the next chapter of his life.

Dark Moon Falls seems like a great place to do just that.

Mackenzie was born and raised in Dark Moon Falls, but ever since her ex-husband landed in jail based off of her testimony, she’s become a pariah to the shifters in town. Which is fine with Mac, because after being left to raise her son alone, she doesn’t have much faith in them either.
Ghost and Mac are two lonely souls, until fate finally intervenes and puts them in each other’s paths… But will they accept the gift of each other, or are they both two stubborn to see what’s right in front of them?

A man of my talents, I had no problem finding work, but as the years went on I found myself yearning for something more.

Something I’d never wanted… A pack. A mate. A place to put down roots.

After what felt like a lifetime of living out of a bag and roaming like a nomad, I was ready to have a touchstone. Somewhere to return to when the road got too long, and I grew weary of staying at the next motel.

A home.

That’s why I was currently pointed in the direction of Dark Moon Falls.

I’d heard of it numerous times during my travels. A town where shifters roamed freely and lived among humans.

A few of my buddies had settled there, and I’d met some members of the pack over the years, including their Alpha, Elias Grant, who was cool as a cucumber and had the respect of not only his pack, but the entire town.

Although I knew I’d never fully have the need to ride out of my blood, Dark Moon Falls seemed like a good place to settle down and begin this new phase of my life.

Dark Moon Falls - Maddox by Nadirah Foxx




















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Thoughts of clearing my name dissipated when I saw her. She was the woman from my dreamscapes. The woman who appeared in my visions. But I wasn’t looking for something permanent.
She was supposed to have stroked my ego while I found the bastard who committed murder in my hometown. Once my name was cleared, I’d go back home.
But home was no longer a place. It had a face, and a body I couldn’t get enough of. And my wolf wanted her too.
When I was a kid, I had a relative who told me, “Our hearts chose who we loved.”
Maybe she was right.