Derek Rempfer's Blog

I saw a “motivational” poster once that read

“If better is possible, then good is not enough.”

SHENANIGANS!  I’m calling shenanigans!

I’ve been thinking a lot about that word ‘good’ lately.  We live in a society that makes “good” seem like an underachievement.  A society where being a C student somehow makes you below average.  A society where you’re expected to be a VP of Something by 35.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on ourselves, don’t you think?

Here’s the thing…there are people who are great at what they do – LeBron James, Stephen Hawking, JK Rowling, to name a few – and we should appreciate them for their skills and contributions to their particular field.  But, crikey, at the end of the day LeBron is just putting a ball through a hoop and JK is just putting words on paper.  (Hawking is doing funky black-hole / time-travel stuff that I’ll never fully understand).

QUICK QUIZ

Who are the two women in the pictures below?  (I’ll give you a hint, one of them has done so much good that she won the Nobel Peace Prize on her 18th birthday.  The other one is famous for the junk in her trunk.)

Click on the picture to learn more

Stop looking at this picture

Yeah, butts over bravery, right?

The Permission Giver

You know what I am?  Not sure how our when it happened, but I’ve come to realize that I am a fully empowered Permission Giver.  So here’s what I’m going to do for you.  I’m going to give you the permission to:

not be great

be a C student

not be nervous if you ever meet LeBron or any other “celebrity” because they’re just another bundle of carbon-based cells like you

be the last guy off the bench

buy and wear clothes from Target and Kohls

be proud of yourself for publishing your book, playing in a garage band, and sharing your artwork

not keep up with the Joneses (nobody likes the freakin’ Joneses anyway)

forgive yourself for past and future failings

be proud of trying your best, regardless of the outcome

 

BE A GOOD PERSON WHO MAKES GOOD DECISIONS AND DOES GOOD FOR OTHERS

 

I think if we can start doing these things, we’ll all be able to feel a little more good about ourselves.  :)

 

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Are you like me?  Do the holidays sometimes get you down because you get lost in the memories of Christmases past?

The Ghost of Christmas Past is visiting me again this year.  He’s a good ghost, well-intentioned.  He just doesn’t realize the effect he has on me.

He is reminding me of the Christmases of my childhood.  Times of pure joy and magic for me.  I was young and naive and thought they’d go on forever like that.

And he’s reminding me of the Christmases of my children’s childhood.  Times of pure joy and magic for them.  They were young and naive and thought they’d go on forever like that.

That old ghost is reminding me how things change.

Maybe you’re dealing with a change this year.  But you know what I think the Ghost of Christmas Past would say if he could really talk to us right now?

I think he’d tell us to make a little more time for the the Ghost of Christmas Present, because

that guy is always in the middle of the magic.

 

 

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Here’s how life can work sometimes.

Friday night, you go out with a best friend and have a great time.

Saturday morning you get a phone call from his wife saying he died in a car crash.

The following Wednesday you are speaking at his funeral.

I keep finding myself thinking about Jason without realizing that I’m thinking about Jason.  Shaking my head and saying, “I don’t understand.  I don’t understand.”

Other times, I’ll find myself trying to somehow undo everything with the power of my thoughts and the strength of my love for Jason and his beautiful family.

We didn’t go out at all.

We went home earlier.

We went home later.

That’s how the grieving mind works, I suppose.  The grieving mind of a best friend at any rate.  I can’t even contemplate the workings of the grieving mind of a wife or a daughter or a son.  Or a mother or a father or a brother.

About all I truly understand about the past week of my life is that I’m not ready to let Jason go. What follows is the eulogy I gave at my friend’s funeral service.  All I have are my feelings and my words and I am doing my best to use them to help Jason find a permanent spot within all of us.

—–

Father in Heaven,

Let the words that follow resonate and be remembered by everyone here.  Because Jason Learman was a man worth remembering.  Let them honor Jason and what he stood for.   Because Jason Learman was a man worth honoring.  And may I do this in a way that he would have appreciated.

I was with Jason the night he passed.  As was always the case when we got together, we had a great time full of lots of laughs.  But as was also the case when we got together, we talked about the things we cared about most in our lives – our friends and family.  The love and pride Jason had for his family was beyond evident.

He talked to me that night about how much of himself he saw in you, Ben.

And he talked about what a mature young woman you had become, Amber.  And what a special connection the two of you had developed.

Amber, Ben…your dad’s pride in you was boundless.

Amber, he told me how he really looked forward to taking you out for a drink when you turned 21 – perhaps you’ll let a few of your dad’s dopey friends do that when that time comes?

And Ben, we will save a seat at the poker table for you when the time comes.  But only if you promise to throw a fit when you lose the way your dad used to.

Candy…

Jason talked to me at length Friday night about how much he loved you and how things between the two of you had never been better.  I always admired – truly, truly admired how the two of you loved and supported each other.  How hard you two worked in supporting each other’s dreams and goals. Jason loved you beyond measure.

As his good friend, I admired Jason’s work ethic and his tremendous loyalty to family, friends, and his employer.  I’ll miss his sense of humor and that bursting, booming laugh of his. And I’ll miss his sound, practical advice and his support.  Whenever I’d find myself in a situation that I found ambiguous and wasn’t sure which direction I should take, he had a way of pointing out the black and white of my options.  He could make the right choice seem so painfully obvious that I often felt stupid for not seeing it myself.  Sometimes he would even say, “Derek, you’re stupid for not seeing that yourself.”

There’s a line from a poem by Thomas Campbell that has always spoken to me:  “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”

This room is filled with hearts that Jason Learman left behind.  I feel him here, in my heart.  He has been speaking to me a lot the past few days.  And his voice has been so distinct and clear that I can almost make myself believe that it’s actually him speaking to me.

In fact, I do believe it’s him.  I believe Jason became a part of me, that he changed me for the better and that’ll I hear his voice forever.  I hope you all can do the same.

Candy, Amber, Ben…that voice you hear in your head and heart – Jason’s voice.  Believe that it’s him.  And talk to him.

I always thought of Jason as a good man.  He was good and he worked to be better.

But the other day, in honor of her father, Amber posted to facebook:

rest in peace to the greatest man i ever have and ever will know. love you

And it occurred to me when I read that…Jason Learman was great.  Not as measured by fame or celebrity or wealth or intelligence or good looks or hygiene or….I could go on and on. [Jason would have laughed at this]

What made Jason Learman “great” was his understanding of the value of “good.”

Jason’s greatness was in his goodness.

His time on this earth has passed.  His goodness hasn’t.  That goodness is in our hands now.  Let’s spread it by sharing our Jason stories with each other.  By telling his family what we’re doing – gestures large and small – in honor of their father and husband.

His goodness is ours now.

I love you, buddy.

Amen.

—–

I’ve long dreamed of becoming a prolific and successful author.  To achieve greatness in the literary realm. And I wonder how many moments of goodness I may have overlooked while lost in the allure of greatness.  Maybe it’s trite and maybe it’s cliche, but I have learned something in Jason’s death what I was incapable of fully realizing while he was alive.

As I said in my eulogy, his goodness is ours now.  And my belief is that these words of mine are leading someone to:

reach out to a friend or family member to resolve a long-standing conflict
make a charitable donation in Jason’s name
buy a dinner out for a family that can’t afford to do it themselves
do something special for Jason Learman’s family:  wife Candy, daughter Amber, son Ben.

If you do, please please share.  Let Jason’s family know what goodness is happening in this world thanks to their father.  Reply to this blog post and share what you’ve done.  Share it on facebook and tag Jason Learman.  Write an email or a letter to his family…whatever.  But do something for Jason Learman and his family.  Your goodness will aid their grief.

You have the power to help heal.  Use it.

Father and son.

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I started a new job recently and when one of my colleagues did a quick google-stalk on me (it’s cool….that’s just standard operating procedure these days) she discovered that I’m a writer.  She even went so far as to read a couple of my blogs.

“You’re a really good writer,” she said to me.  “I liked that blog you wrote on coaching your baseball team.”

Now, this lovely, intelligent, obviously astute woman was not the first person to tell me she enjoyed my writing, but she was one of the few that isn’t a close friend a relative or an easily bribed critic.

It got me to wonderin’…

Her words had a greater impact on me than those who know and love me because, yeah, like I’m really going to listen to the people who didn’t say a damn word about that mullet I rocked through my college years.

My next thought, quite naturally, went to Blanche Dubois from the play A Streetcar Named Desire.

We all depend on the kindness of strangers to some degree, don’t we?  I mean, it’s not just me, right?  Don’t we all love it when someone we don’t know goes out of there way to tell us:

You have the most gorgeous baby!

That’s a beautiful scarf you’re wearing!

You have an amazing smile!

Hey, you are really rocking that mullet!

Go be a stranger to someone today.  Not the creepy windowless conversion van kind of stranger, but the kind of stranger who just says something nice to someone that they don’t know very well or maybe even don’t know at all.  Go make someone’s day.  That’s some incredible power we all have.  We have stranger power.

If you do go use your stranger power, share it here with me.  Let me know what you did and how you touched someone.  That way I can take a little credit for it myself. ;)

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Every kid who plays baseball dreams of hitting the game-winning home run in the World Series.   Basketball players want to make the winning shot at the buzzer and football players want to score the winning touchdown.  

For musicians, I suppose the dream is to play in front of a large audience with thousands of fans singing your words back to you.

It’s different for writers.  When we give a live performance, nobody ever raises a lighter in hopes we read another excerpt from our book.  And there’s almost never any panties thrown up on the podium.

For me – and I’m guessing it’s like this with many writers – the dream is that my words find a permanent place within you.  That they bang around the inside of your head or wrap themselves around your heart and squeeze out something you didn’t know was there.  Maybe a depth of empathy or a height of outrage that you hadn’t experienced before.

When you read what I write, you let me into your heart a little bit.  And when I write, I’m inviting you into mine.  And we’re connecting in a way that maybe only the musicians can.  Yet not in some sold-out arena, but in your favorite chair.  And while you’ll never cheer or whistle or clap, maybe you’ll crack a smile or shed a tear. It’s intimate, our connection.

There have been passages of books that have had that kind of impact on me.  None greater than the last few pages of How Green Was My Valley by Richard Llewellyn.  Once or twice a year I find myself thumbing my way to the last few pages of that book to read what is probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read or ever will read.  I won’t share it here, but if you want your heart squeezed the way I describe above you’d be doing yourself a favor to read that novel.

Words are immortal. If I could just string some together in a way that move people in the way that Llewellyn has moved me, I think that’s all I would ever need as a writer. Just that one perfect passage.

What about you?  Have you ever read anything that stuck with you so much that you actually feel as if your DNA has been changed?

And what’s your “one perfect passage?”  Whether you’re a teacher or a police officer or a nurse or a mom or a Christian or whatever…what’s that one thing you strive for that makes it all worth while?

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It was probably one of my better motivational speeches. It was the third inning and we were down by the score of 0-5 in a tourney in which the team I coach was the #1 overall seed.  We’d just given up 3 runs and the boys were dragging a little as they jogged in from the field toward the dugout.  Before going in to bat, I called everyone over and had the team in a small circle outside our dugout.  I channeled my inner Gipper.

“What do champs do?” I asked. (Note that we won the regular season championship, thus the #1 seed.)

“Win”

“Battle”

“Score runs”

I took off my sunglasses and bent over, hands on my knees.  Scanning the eyes of my boys, I asked again,

“What do champs do?”

“Champs win!”

“Hit”

and then Tyler said what I was wanting to hear…

“Come back”

“Yeah.  Yeah,” I said.  “Champs come back.”

I put my arm around James to my right and Hunter to my left and again asked,

“So what do champs do?”

“Come back,” everyone said in unison.

“What do champs do?” And now everyone had their arms around their teammates shoulders and they said louder

“Come back!”

I repeated the question one more time and the looks on their faces started to match the intensity I was feeling myself.

“COME BACK!”

And we did.  We scored 3 runs that inning off a pitcher who had dominated us up until that point. The score was now 3-5 bad guys.

And then we scored 3 more runs the next inning off a new pitcher. Suddenly it was 6-5 good guys!  The champs had come back!

Long story short…we lost the game.  Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Here’s the thing, though.  Yes, champs come back, but they also lose.  Look at the Blackhawks, for example.  They’ve won 3 championship titles in the past 6 years.  But guess what – that means they weren’t champions for 3 of the past 6 years.

Whether it’s the next inning, the next season, the next game, or the altogether new and different challenge…champions come back.  They learn and grow from both the wins and the losses.  They handle both with dignity and regardless of the previous outcome, champs are always determined to win the next one.

I’m guessing that most of us have things we’re trying to come back from right now.  Some with greater challenges than others, perhaps.  But you can only win the game your playing.  So go triumph.  Hoist that trophy high.  You’re a champion, dammit.

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As the coach of my son’s travelling baseball team, I came up with a mantra of sorts that represents what I want us to be as a team:

Fearless, Fast, and Focused.

Catchy, right?  Let me break it down for you.

FEARLESS

I heard a story once that before every at-bat, baseball legend Ted Williams would quietly whisper to himself, “Ted [bleeping] Williams, the greatest [bleeping] hitter who ever lived.”  It wasn’t about being cocky, it was about believing in himself and reminding himself of what he wanted out of life.

“A man has to have goals for a day, for a lifetime. And that was mine, to have people say, ‘There goes Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived.’”

I tell the boys on my team that when they’re in the batter’s box, they’re in charge.  It doesn’t matter what the count is, how good the opposing pitcher is, whether the game is on the line, what the weather is like, etc….Nothing is going intimidate them. They’re going up there with every expectation of getting on base.

FAST

Ok, so this is really about being aggressive, but that would have killed the alliteration thing I’ve got going on here.

The main point is to do your best in every situation.  And once you’ve done your best, do better than your best.

SWING HARD AND RUN FAST! 

BE GREEDY!

One base isn’t enough! And the other team isn’t going to just give you a second one, you’re going to have to steal it from them!  Hey, turns out two bases isn’t enough either so steal a third!

 GREED IS GOOD!

I’m just talking about baseball now…

FOCUSED

How many outs are there? 

How many runners are on base?

What has the umpire’s strike zone been like?

What should you be doing right now?  

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR WHAT’S COMING NEXT?

I tell the boys that I want them to be their own coaches.  I don’t want for me or any of the other coaches to have to yell out the answers to those questions from the dugout.  Because what if their next coach doesn’t do that?  Or what if the next coach does do that, but realizes he doesn’t have to with you because you’re already a half-step ahead of him?

Or

What if nobody is watching you?

Or

What if none of your coaches are around?

Or

What if you’re not even playing baseball?

Fearless, fast, and focused is how I want my boys playing the game.  It’s also how I want them living their lives.

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���Be All You Can Be���

-U.S. Army recruiting slogan (1980-2001)

If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’re either a child of mine or you’re someone old enough to remember the above slogan. ��It was the recruiting slogan used by the U.S. Army from 1980 to 2001.

I was never in the Army, but I have watched a lot of TV over the years. ��So maybe that old commercial��was��the inspiration behind the question I always ask my kids when they do or say something that gets them into some kind of trouble.

���Is That The Person You Want To Be?���

– Derek Rempfer parenting��slogan (1994-The Day I Die)

I’m always encouraging my kids��to look at every decision they make through the eyes of the person they want to be. ��And I try to do the same myself.

What kind of person do I want to be?

What kind of father, husband, son, and��brother?

What kind of Christian, friend, and co-worker?

What do I want to accomplish?

How to I want the world to view me?

What do I want people to say about me when I leave the room? ��What about when I leave this life?

I think the answer to all these questions is the same…and it’s rather obvious:

Charles Ingalls

I want to be this guy!

The other night my daughter Chloe turned the tables on me. ��I was being a little cranky when I saw her making herself a late dinner shortly after I had cleaned the kitchen and put all the leftovers away. ��She reacted to my grumpiness with a cheerful,

“DAD, THAT’S NOT WHO YOU ARE!”

I laughed and asked her, “No? ��Well, who am I then?”

And she said, “You’re a happy person who likes making other people happy.”

Tell you what…that daughter of mine��is pretty wise. ��I don’t know if that’s exactly who I am right now, but it’s definitely who I want to be.

I hope��that the Derek Rempfer I want to be is coming through in��these blog entries. ��All I ever want to be is “better.” ��Better this year than last. ��Better this day than last. ��Better this moment than last.

I am a work in progress, but I’m doing my best. ��And like that great American Army general said…

���If a man does his best, what else is there?���

-Gen. George S. Patton

General George S. Patton

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For the little girl who grew up without a dad around to make her feel safe and protected. ��And for the woman who used to be that little girl.

“I’ve got you.” (wrap it in a tight hug)

For anyone who hasn’t heard it from a parent in a while.

“I’m proud of you.”

For anyone who hasn’t heard it from a child in a while.

“I know you did your best. Thank you.”

For anyone who has lost��someone they love.

“I just want you to know that I still remember and think about ____” (share a memory)

For anyone who feels like they can’t.

“You CAN. I believe in you.”

For anyone who feels like they aren’t.

“You ARE. I see it in you.”

For anyone who asks you if they look fat in these pants.

“No. No, you do not look fat in those pants.”

For anyone you’ve hurt.

“I am sorry. Please forgive me.”

For anyone who has hurt you and has asked for your forgiveness.

“I forgive you.”

For anyone who has hurt you and HAS NOT asked for your forgiveness.

“I forgive you.”

For anyone who has written a blog entry that touched you.

“Your blog entry touched me and I’m sharing it with a friend. Also, you are very handsome.”

For anyone reading this blog post.

“Thank you for reading this blog post. ��Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! ��Also, you are very handsome.”

Filed under: Hearts Left Behind, Where The Broken Lie

Last month we had a party to celebrate the release of my book Where The Broken Lie. ��And what an incredibly special night it was. ��So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to recap some of the things that made it such a wonderful event.

Malta Town Hall

We held the party at the town hall in Malta, Illinois, which is where I spent my childhood��and is also the basis for the novel’s��fictional town of Willow Grove.

It would have felt wrong to have the party anywhere but in “Willow Grove.”

Next highlight of the night? ��Check this out…

My very talented sister (Rachel Rempfer-Hill) made an AMAZING cake for the event. ��It was the spitting image of my book cover! ��In fact, she got more Facebook likes on the picture of the cake than I did on the book itself! ��What’s that?!?

Yes, that’s the cake. ��AMAZING, right? ��If you’re an author throwing a book launch party, this is a must.

Here’s another must. ��We’ve all been to weddings where they have the guests sign a large photo of the bride and groom, right? ��Well, my wife and sister came up with the idea of having our guests sign a large canvas print of the book cover. Check it out…the image below doesn’t really do it justice, but you can see the signatures from most of our guests.

As this was my first book to be published, I felt it apropros to have Local Green provide our musical entertainment for the evening. ��They are a recently formed local band and this party was their first official gig. ��They did a great job all around, but my favorite performance was a song that��lead singer Joe Crouch wrote after reading my book. ��The song was titled Hearts Left Behind (my book’s original title) and it tied in quotes from the book as well as the book’s new title Where The Broken Lie. ��It was very touching.

Speaking of touching…our friends Troy and Kati Mattis gave us a really beautiful and unique gift that Troy designed and crafted��himself. ��I hope the picture below does it justice, because I know my words don’t. ��I just know that he somehow transferred the images of the books original cover and the published cover onto wood and put them in a shared frame.

��

Best of all was having��so many family and friends��there to celebrate with me.

From my 90 year old grandfather to Stephanie and Jeff Morgan’s 2 month old son. ��Friends since��kindergarten and buddies��from college. ��My park district baseball coach and my high school english and math teachers.

My Mom and step-dad.

My sisters.

My children.

My wife.

Lionel Richie.

I’ll tell ya what…that was the kind of party that inspires a guy to write another book. ��So I can have another night like that one. ��And so that I can try to write a book that gets more Facebook “likes” than it’s��cake counterpart. :)

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