Shelly Phillips's Blog

Do you want to raise a kid who loves math? Here are my top tips to produce the results you’re wanting. 1. I did NOT pressure my kids to do math or to excel in math  Instead, we played all sorts of strategic games like checkers, connect 4, chess, Pente and the like. These games …

Continue reading "Want a Kid Who Loves Math? Five Things I DID NOT Do and What to Do Instead"

The post Want a Kid Who Loves Math? Five Things I DID NOT Do and What to Do Instead first appeared on Awake Parent.

When I moved to Bend, Oregon I was surprised to learn that while there were several thriving Montessori preschool programs, there were no Montessori elementary programs at all! As a former assistant teacher in a Montessori lower elementary class (1st-3rd grade) I knew that the freedom to move about the classroom and to focus on areas of interest were crucial to support deep learning. I witnessed students diving deeply into their interests and I saw the head teacher use student interests to draw them in to other subjects. Overall I just loved the sense of freedom and responsibility that the students experience in a Montessori elementary classroom. And the work they produced was impressive and often far above grade level.

So, when my daughter entered preschool and was thriving in a Montessori program, I knew that I would want her to continue in Montessori. It’s exceptionally important to me that she be treated as a whole human being and that she continue to develop her emotion regulation, conflict resolution, and other “soft skills” along with her academic work.

Educating the whole child

One of the things I love about Montessori is that the teacher is not focused on how much information he or she can present to my child, rather, Montessori teachers are focused on helping my child develop her internal motivation to learn and grow and take responsibility for her own learning. This attitude, along with the meticulously designed materials which captivate a child’s interest, encourages exploration and provides opportunities to learn a wide variety of information and practical life skills.

I knew I couldn’t afford to pay tuition all the way through middle school and I had heard that a few of the Montessori preschools had tried to get a tuition based elementary program off the ground, but they had trouble retaining older students since our public schools in Bend are so good. So some friends and I decided that a public, tuition free Montessori charter school would best serve our community and our own kids.

Montessori in the public sector

After having worked in several private Montessori schools, one thing I noticed was that while the Montessori method was initially developed to help low income and mentally challenged students, it is now most accessible to families with the means to pay tuition. I was saddened to learn that the very students Maria Montessori most wanted to help were missing out on her incredible teaching methods, mostly because the materials are expensive and public Montessori schools are still burgeoning in the US. I was happy to learn that many of the public schools in France are Montessori schools!

The process of starting a charter school was not as easy as I had anticipated! It took us several rounds of denials before we were finally approved by our local school board to open a Montessori charter school. Luckily, with the help of many volunteers and the receipt of the Oregon Department of Education’s Planning grant, we were finally able to open our doors in the fall of 2017!

Other options just aren’t Montessori

During my daughter’s first grade year, we were forced to try a public magnet school since there were no Montessori options. We chose a school with a democratic philosophy, mixed ages, and some freedom to work outside of grade level. But because it was not a Montessori school, my daughter found it loud, chaotic, and she chaffed at her lack of freedom to explore her interests. She often complained that they didn’t give her enough time to read and that she was forced to do what everyone else was doing. I also didn’t like hearing about frequent screen time (mostly educational) and she came home with candy as a reward on quite a few occasions.

Growth mindset and intrinsic motivation

In a Montessori classroom, we’re focused on developing the internal motivation of the student, so letter grades, rewards, and frequent external praise are not used. Instead, we expect a child to gain a sense of accomplishment by working hard and completing a large project and we all listen as they present their research findings to the class during circle time. This gives students the opportunity to practice their public speaking skills as they share what they’ve learned with their classmates.

I could go on and on about all of the wonderful benefits of a Montessori elementary education, but for now I’ll just share that the perseverance and grit that was required to get this school off the ground has forever changed me. I will never again shy away from a large project because it seems too big, takes too long, or because we’ve hit a roadblock. If there’s one lesson my daughter and I have both learned through this process, it’s that when you’re determined to create something, you can absolutely succeed as long as you don’t quit, find helpers, and keep moving forward no matter what obstacles you encounter. Our Montessori charter school is now serving over 100 students and with plans to grow every year, I know that this school is already making a big difference in the world. So, if there’s something you’re passionate about creating, don’t shy away from your dreams, go out there and create it! You’ll be so glad you did.

This article was also published in the Rebel Priestess Magazine

During early infancy, babies pretty much stay where you put them. My mom refers to this stage of development as the happy paperweight stage. But once babies are a few months old, they begin to move. Some infants are rolling over and scooting as early as 4 months!

Don’t fret if your baby doesn’t roll over or sit up exactly on “schedule,” every baby develops at a different rate. But once your little one does begin to move around, falls can be a big hazard.

Avoiding some falls is fairly easy, just put your baby on the floor! But at other times you might be on a low bed, couch, or in another location and it’s a good idea to develop healthy and safe habits as early as possible.

Obviously when babies reach this stage of development it is no longer safe to leave them unstrapped on the changing table and walk away or even to leave them in the middle of a large high bed. The floor is the safest place for a baby who is learning to move, scoot, and crawl.

You do also need to do some baby proofing pronto. Cover outlets (electrocution hazards), remove cords and strings (strangulation hazards), add gates to stairways, and anchor furniture to the wall.

But if you want to reduce accidental falls, show your infant daily how to maneuver off of a low bed or couch safely, and they will learn to do it themselves fairly quickly. With enough repetition, getting down safely becomes second nature.

Before I share my “secret” let’s review some infant development research. Studies have shown that new crawlers are actually quite careful not to fall. Babies who were new crawlers participated in a study in which they were encouraged by their mothers to crawl across a plexi-glass surface that had a checkerboard pattern underneath it.

When the checkerboard pattern was directly beneath the plexiglass, babies happily crawled across to their mothers. However, if the checkerboard pattern was placed 3 feet below the plexiglass, babies perceived the drop off and refused to crawl across, even though it was completely safe to do so. Even when encouraged by their mothers that it was safe to cross, nearly 100% of infants refused to crawl across the perceived abyss. I share this study to remind us all that babies do have a survival instinct and even though we think of them as completely impulsive, they really don’t want to fall on their heads.

OK, here’s the “secret” key phrase (and action) to reducing falls:

FEET FIRST

Let’s say you’re hanging out with your baby on the couch when it becomes obvious that she’s interested in a toy across the room. She reaches for the toy and in your mind’s eye you imagine her tumbling headlong off the couch after the toy, banging her head along the way. At this point, gently hold your baby’s arm or leg and say, “Feet first.” And then help her turn around and maneuver so that her feet hang down first and she can scoot off the couch feet first, facing the couch. This is always the safest way for a baby to descend.

When your baby is young, you can physically guide him safely all the way down to the floor and as he develops more strength, you can intervene less and less. But it’s very important to repeat the phrase, “Feet first,” each and every time.

If you do this consistently, you’ll have a crawler and toddler that confidently knows how to safely descend from stairs, beds, couches, and the like and you’ll be able to relax into the knowledge that he knows exactly how to get down, FEET FIRST!

My husband and I both used this technique with each of our children and I honestly cannot think of a single time that our kids fell off of anything head first when they were babies. Sure, my 3yo jumps off of things head first now to experiment with his body and its boundaries, but our babies didn’t careen off of the bed.

To be fair, we don’t use bed frames and simply put our box spring and mattress right on the floor. This is a Montessori style bed that is easy for a young child to climb in and out of independently, so if your bed is up on a frame, it may not be safe to encourage your baby to go feet first off the bed until she is tall enough to manage it.

But in general, by using the phrase “feet first” and supporting babies to descend safely, you’ll drastically reduce falls and protect your infant from many potential head injuries. I’ve used this technique with many of the babies in my care too, and it has always helped.

So here’s to a future filled with capable independence for your baby and calm confidence for you. Have a fabulous week!

OK, you can already tell by my headline that I LOVE this high chair. But why would a high chair be worthy of an entire blog post? Well, let me tell you!

If you know me at all, you know that I have done very little advertising on my website and I would never promote a product that I don’t use myself and absolutely love. But I just HAVE to tell every new parent I know all about this incredible high chair. I literally rave about this high chair to pregnant strangers (sorry!) and have practically forced my family members to add it to their registries. But here’s the thing, this high chair is literally my favorite baby gear purchase ever. Here’s what it is:

High Chair – Award Winning Svan Signet Complete High Chair With Removable Tray (Espresso) [image error]

And here’s why I love it so much:

 

 

Small footprint

Look, I don’t know about you, but I do not live in a huge house with endless square footage in my kitchen that can accommodate the footprint of some of the high chairs on the market right now. Not to mention the tripping hazard that many high chairs present. I understand that manufacturers need to ensure that a high chair won’t tip over, so many of the lightweight high chairs need a wide base to prevent tipping.

That’s one area where the Svan high chair shines. It has a small footprint but the base is quite heavy so it doesn’t tip, but it fits into a 2x2foot square!!!! You read that right. Talk about easy to tuck away into a corner when not in use!

Visually stunning and wooden

It’s beautiful. You may already know that I abhore large plastic brightly colored objects and try to keep them out of my home. I prefer wooden furniture and toys whenever possible. This high chair is a gorgeous piece of furniture and it fits nicely with our asthetic. And really, if my baby is going to eat her first solid foods, put her mouth all over and suck on her high chair (yes, they really do this) then I’d rather she be sucking on wood than plastic.

Note: there is a plastic cover for the tray that comes with the high chair. The plastic cover easily pops off and is dishwasher safe, but I chose not to use it, the wooden tray worked great for us and is easy to remove and wash at the sink.

Easy to move around the room

See that handle at the top of the chair? I’m a short woman but this high chair is extremely easy to move around the room, even for me. This is helpful because sometimes you just need to move it out of the way, or your baby wants to watch you cook, and with that convenient handle, you can actually pick up and move this high chair with one hand while holding your baby in the other arm. Good luck finding another high chair that can do that!

Adjusts for toddlers and kids up to 120 lbs!!!

OK, this is definitely one of the best features of this high chair. Baby gear is such a revolving door. You need stuff when they’re little, but by the time they’re a year old, you’ve got a room full of gear that you’re already finished with and more stuff that you now need for their current stage of development. Not so with the Svan high chair! This chair is completely adjustable with just two allen wrenches. At it’s smallest, it is a nice cozy fit for your 6 month old as you begin to introduce solid foods. But then you can adjust it to fit your bigger and bigger baby and then…

Here’s the amazing part, when you have a toddler who wants to do everything herself and she’s getting a little bit too heavy for you to lift into the seat anyway, you can take off the tray entirely and the chair turns into a toddler seat that she can climb into herself and it can be pushed right up to the table! Both of my kids really enjoyed this feature and felt like big kids when we made the switch (at around 18 months). You can still use the seatbelt harness if you’re worried about your toddler accidentally falling off, but after a few months, they seem to get the hang of it and no longer need the belt. This is a huge benefit since toddler’s accessibility and independence can make life SO MUCH easier! Later, the chair continues to adjust as needed until your child is ready for an adult sized chair. This “high chair” can actually hold a child up to 120 pounds!

Use for multiple kids!

You might not make it all the way to 120 pounds though, especially if you have another child. This was an amazing feature! Once my daughter was 4 ½ my 5mo. Old son was just about ready to start solid foods, I simply adjusted the seat back down to its smallest size and my son used it for the next 3 1/2 years! So if you’re planning to have more than one child, this chair is definitely worth the investment.

Sturdy and easy to maintain

Like I said, we used this chair for 7+ years and when we were finished with it, it went on to a new family who will likely use it for another 7! It is wooden, so easy to wipe down and you can get a cloth seat pad for it, which easily goes into the washer and dryer. I washed the seat pad about once a week during the baby food phase. As long as you have your allen wrenches at the ready and you keep the chair adjusted and tightened, my guess is that it would last at least 25 years. Sure ours had a few dings and scratches by the time we passed it on, but seriously, what other high chair has that kind of shelf life?!!

Holds its value well

OK, the truth is, we bought our Svan high chair from another family who had used it for about 4 years, we used it for another 7 years, and then I turned around and sold it for the same amount that I originally bought it for! If you’re planning to have more than one kid, you may want to purchase it new. The current price is actually about $100 less than it was 10 years ago. But you can also purchase one used and still get many years of use out of it.

Alright, I think I’m finished raving about this awesome high chair now. But seriously, It may be my favorite baby gear purchase ever. Highly, highly recommend!

 ? 

We’ve all been hearing about the ill effects of screen time on developing brains and each of us have a slightly different way of dealing with the information. Some people argue that the research isn’t in yet (there is actually quite a bit of research on this topic and most of it is quite disturbing), others are convinced that it couldn’t be nearly as harmful as the researchers purport. Some parents claim it’s their only break, and they really really need a break, and trust me, I hear you on that one.

But the truth is that we humans didn’t evolve to sit still for hours watching a screen, and when we do so as young children, it really does negatively impact our brain development. Attention span goes down, emotional regulation and control is negatively affected, self-control and the ability to plan ahead are impacted and even if we don’t want to admit it, we all know that our kids are not their best selves after a few hours of watching television. A lot of the current research is showing that it may not necessarily be the screens themselves, or even the content of shows, rather it’s the lack of social interaction that most negatively impacts kids.

Because of all of this, my son’s preschool has recommended that the students attempt to have a “screen free April.” At first I thought, “There is no way we can make it the whole month without a single show.” But then I heard about the incentive. The head of school has offered us $$ off our May tuition if we can make it through the entire month without using screens with your 3 year old.

Once I knew about the incentive, I was motivated. And as it turns out, my motivation was all we really needed to reduce our kids’ screen time drastically. I’m embarrassed to admit that my kids have very easily transitioned and it has actually been harder for we adults to give up our “free time” than it is for the kids to adjust to zero screen time.

Zero screen time?!!

To be fair, we already had a maximum of 2 hours per day and they typically didn’t watch that much even before the challenge, but I was amazed at how quickly both of our kids adjusted to the zero screen time challenge. After just a few days, they both completely stopped asking for shows!

Last weekend my daughter came down with a stomach bug and I nearly caved. Being sick with a fever and upset stomach without the option to zone out in front of the TV just sounds like torture to me, but after asking my husband and friends for some support, we decided to tough it out and I am so glad we did!

On day 15 and my 7-year-old daughter announced, “It’s a lot easier to live without screen time than I thought it would be!” OK, so here are the 5 simple things we’ve done differently during screen free April. I am surprised at how little effort these alternatives are actually requiring and more than a little bit embarrassed to admit that I’ve been the one driving my kids to the screen, even though I know full well that it’s not good for their development.

#1 Books on CD from our local library-

I ran over to the library and picked up about 10 chapter books on CD and this has been the #1 favorite screen time alternative for both my 7 and 3 year old. The two of them will spend hours together just listening and drawing or coloring. It’s really sweet to see them connecting in this way. Podcasts could serve a similar purpose but we prefer the low-tech option.

For extra credit, ask your kids about the plot to ensure that they really understand the story line or ask specific questions about the book, characters, or action to help them gain a deeper comprehension of the content. Historical fiction has started some very interesting conversations at our house this month!

 

#2 More time outside

More time in the back yard, more parks, and more walks by the river. This one does take a little bit more effort and planning, but the positive impacts of nature on our physiology greatly outweigh the hassle it is to actually get outside. We’re going to make an effort to keep this one going even after we re-introduce screen time.

Some highlights so far have been the nature art that my kids and I created at the base of one of our favorite trees, placing bird feed in our back yard and then watching the birds from inside with binoculars and discussing them, creating a natural shelter for our garden gnome, and hearing the kids talk excitedly about how they walked “all the way” to the high school with Grandpa (it’s only about 5 blocks from our house, but they had never done it before!).

#3 Art

Cover the kitchen table with newspaper, add a few sheets of paper, some markers, crayons, colored pencils, or paint and then sit back and supervise your children’s creative genius at work! Or jump in and create with them. Art is hugely therapeutic, so this one is going on the “to be continued even after April” list. The only problem we’ve had with this one is that they don’t want it to end and eventually we need the table back for dinner!

A friend of mine also suggested playing with modeling clay and I am constantly amazed at how long my children will sit and play with their clay. They trade colors with each other, help each other, and enjoy destroying their creations almost as much as making them! If your child is still putting things into her mouth, you may want to use play dough instead. While the clean up is a bit more intensive with play dough, toddlers sure do love the texture and feel of it, and it helps them develop manual muscle control which prepares the hand for writing later.

#4 Board Games

I’ll admit, I really don’t enjoy board games, I’m more of a puzzle person, but since we’ve gone screen free I have seen the grandparents bring out more board games, dominoes, the marble track, and other toys and games that engage the imagination. I’m always amazed at how much my kids enjoy winning a board game. We do have a few cooperative board games that I enjoy a bit more than the competitive ones. Hoot Owl Hoot is a big favorite of my 3 year old’s.

 

#5 Imaginitive play

The ability to play imaginary games is quickly becoming a lost art of childhood due to the overuse of screens and technology. Unfortunately, this skill is incredibly important to proper cognitive development and the development of the prefrontal cortex. Self-control, planning, and many of our higher cognitive functions rely on our ability to imagine and plan for multiple possible scenarios. This is part of the reason that the storyline curriculum is so successful.

Since we’ve cut out screens, my son often asks, “Will you play with me?” and then happily engages in whatever type of play we’re up for. Playing catch has been a big hit, but I’ve been trying to engage his imagination more and I can already see a positive result! After a couple of weeks of playing a few different imaginary games I now hear him playing by himself more often. He describes the situation to his stuffed animals, talks in different voices, and creates elaborate story lines.

I am feeling so grateful that my son’s Montessori preschool has challenged us to a screen free April! Without the challenge (and the incentive) I wouldn’t have realized how unnecessary much of the screen time was and how much more we’re connecting with each other, now that we’ve cut it out. This is going to give me much more of a backbone when it comes to saying no to screen time in the future too. Now that we’ve developed so many great alternatives, and we’ve broken the habit, I’m guessing that my kids will be asking much less often and watching considerably less.

You probably already know that essential oils are great for all sorts of uses to support your wellness, but there were a few surprises in store for me as I began to use essential oils with my kids.

Calming down

Look, life with young kids can be tough sometimes. Sleep deprivation, co-sleeping, nursing, hunger, teething, new developmental milestones, parental discord, sibling rivalry, and so much more can cause some seriously tense moments in any home, mine included. So sometimes we need tools to help us de-escalate.

A short sensorial meditation is a tool we use on a regular basis. We each pick an oil we like, I place one drop in the palm of one hand, we rub our hands together, and then cup our hands over our noses, close our eyes and take at least 5 deep breaths. You don’t need a fancy diffuser to enjoy essential oils, your hands can be your diffuser! Lavender, frankincense, and lemon are some of our favorite choices when we need to take a moment to breathe and calm down.

I am consistently amazed at what a difference 5 deep breaths can make to my own emotional state, and when paired with one of my favorite essential oils, this practice becomes a delightful sensorial experience, which just encourages me to drop the drama and breathe again next time.

In our house, this technique quickly helps to resolve sibling conflicts by allowing each person to take a moment to reflect on their experience. Everyone is usually calm enough after 5-10 breaths to discuss the issue further without arguing. Sometimes my kids will even offer one another empathy and listen to each other after a short meditation like this, when before hand, they were each fighting to be heard.

Diffusing for a purpose

Oils can have different effects on different people, but there are some qualities of essential oils that are fairly universal so by diffusing a specific oil for a specific purpose, we may find certain oils to have an enlivening or awakening effect (Citrus), support focus and clarity (Rosemary), be calming and relaxing (Lavender, Copaiba, Frankincense), or even comforting (Christmas Spirit blend). Experiment with your own family and find the blends and single oils that work best for you. For us, this can be a preventative measure that helps everyone get their needs met and ensures that we maintain peace, even at the end of a long day. Typically, 30-60 minutes of diffusing is all we need to shift the energy of our household.

Owie magic

There are several ways that I use essential oils with my kids when they’re injured. For bumps and bruises, I apply Owie oil directly to the affected area. For cuts or abrasions I usually apply the oil nearby, but not into the open wound.

Please do be careful to introduce oils to your kids slowly and educate them about appropriate uses to ensure that your child’s experiences with oils are positive ones. Definitely make sure that children and babies don’t get peppermint or winter-mint oil into any of their mucous membranes (eyes or nose). If you’ve ever made this mistake yourself, you know what I’m talking about…ouch!

Turning bad stink into good

If you have a diaper pail in your house, you know that not every corner of your home smells wonderful all the time, but with essential oils on hand you can easily battle the bad smells with good ones. For my own diaper trash I loved the blend Purification, it contains lemongrass which really cuts through bad smells. I either put a few drops on a cottonball, used a room spray, or diffused it. All of these methods are effective ways to clear out yucky smells. And since you’re using plant-based essential oils, you don’t have to worry about the toxic and sometimes hormone disrupting ingredients in chemical perfumes.

Bath time magic

Do your kids resist bathing like mine do? I swear, I cannot say the word bath without loud protestations from my children about how it can’t possibly be bath night. The other day I knew it was time, it had been DAYS since their last bath but my daughter was resisting big time…until I offered her a drop of essential oil in the bath! I told her that she could choose which one she wanted and then I offered her a sniff from a few of my favorite oils and she knew instantly which one she wanted in her bath. I just dropped the oil directly into the bath water, but you can also mix it into some Epsom salts for a similar effect. Her resistance melted and she happily jumped into the nice smelling bath!

Scent recognition game

Another fun way to use essential oils with kids is to ask them to close their eyes and try to identify the scent. Children love these types of sensorial challenges. One my son’s children’s books says that our nose can detect over 1 TRILLION smells. I have no idea if that’s true, or even how they would determine that, but I do know that humans have evolved to be able to detect different colors, smells, tastes, and textures to help us survive. Developing these skills of discrimination can be hugely helpful later in life. Who knows, maybe he’ll become a master chef? Or perhaps she’ll be a farmer. No matter what we choose to do as adults, developing our senses as children can provide a great advantage.

What medicine cabinet?

Did you know that the FDA has recalled some children’s cough medicines because they’re no longer considered safe?! Now we just use honey instead and it works great! While I cannot recommend essential oils to treat diseases because of the FDA’s regulations on such statements, I can tell you that for supporting wellness, essential oils are awesome.

We have used them for many purposes, to keep our lungs and breathing clear (Eucalyptus, or RC), to prevent toenail fungus (Tea Tree), to ease the pain of a scrape, bruise, or burn (lavender), to support our immune system’s optimal functioning (Thieves), to help sore muscles feel better (PanAway, Copaiba), and lots more. We try to avoid over the counter medications as much as possible and since adding essential oils to our repertoire, I’ve gotten rid of just about every “medicine” in the cabinet! The only drug store item left is ibuprofen but I am using about 10x less of that too! Now my cabinet is filled with vitamins, supplements, and essential oils and I feel great about using the oils with my kids.

Monster spray

I think most children go through a time when they’re afraid of monsters under their bed, or afraid of the dark, or just feeling uneasy about being alone in their bedrooms. Monster spray has helped us a bunch. You can choose an essential oil that you like, add about 10-15 drops to about a cup of water, add about a tablespoon of witch hazel (this helps the oil distribute throughout the water) and put it all in a spray bottle. I’ve seen some parents get creative with a label, but I didn’t bother with that. Now when your child gets afraid, remind them that monsters are imaginary, and just in case, you have monster repellant!

Essential oils have enriched our lives so much. I hope that you enjoy them as much as we do! And if you’d like to sign up for wholesale prices from my favorite essential oil company, Young Living, click this link to sign up with a premium starter kit and I’ll get a small commission from everything you buy, forever! Plus, I’ll be here for you if you have any questions. Want to know more? Ask me about Young Living’s Seed to Seal promise!

And have a wonderful great smelling week!

 

 

My birthday was last week and as a gift, my mom invited me over to her house to turn an Altoids tin into a small keepsake box. I’ll tell you right now, this project was the most fun I’ve had all month. OK, it might be possible that I’ve been depriving myself of creative projects, which is really not good for me. In fact, in the realm of self-care, creative pursuits are pretty much at the top of my list. So here’s a window into my creative process and some pix of the sweet little box I created! I think it’s Pinterest worthy if I do say so myself.

Here’s what you need:

1 Altoids tin

Scotch quick dry adhesive

Elmer’s glue

Leather

Paper

Buttons

Stickers, beads, screws, bolts, ribbon, or other embellishments

Here’s a picture of some leather and the #1 key to your success…the glue! This glue is absolutely magical. It adheres practically anything to anything else. I used it to glue leather to metal and metal to buttons and metal beads onto buttons and buttons onto paper. It takes a few moments to adhere, but once it’s dry, it’s permanently stuck. Do note that this glue leaves a shiny residue, so if you want a completely invisible glue, use Elmers. It’s not as strong, but it dries completely invisible.

 

Sorry I didn’t take photos of the actual process but let me explain what I did. First I decided what I wanted for the top, bottom, inside top and inside bottom surfaces. I used cork wall paper samples for my top and bottom and for the inside of the lid. I used leather for the inside bottom part of my box. Do note that you don’t want to use anything very thick on the inside of your lid or it could keep it from completely closing.

I used the tin to trace the size onto the paper or leather and then used a pair of very sharp scissors to cut them out. For the inside I had to trim a bit more off to get it to fit well. I used a string of beads to embellish the inside bottom of the box and this is where I used the Elmer’s glue. I used the Scotch glue for pretty much everything else.

I sorted through my mom’s button, bead, and paper collections until I found what I was looking for. Then I designed the embellishments for the top, bottom, and inside.

I used paper on the inside and outside edges, but I’ve seen other boxes with ribbon, fabric, or even paint.

Here’s how my  box turned out:

When I found the zipper pull, I knew I was on the right track. I also glued wooden feet onto the bottom. And when I opened it up, it kept falling over, so I added some nuts to the bottom front to help it keep it’s balance. Here’s a picture of the bottom:

And here’s the inside:

I had so much fun with this project! May you take the time to do the things you love. Nourish yourself with creativity and fun!

As a child of divorce myself, I can share my own experience to help you navigate your separation in the way that will best support your children and allow them to adjust to the new reality of having two separate homes. I may write more on the topic of healing or ending your romantic relationship, but today let’s focus on how you can help your children thrive, even in the midst of your separation.

Please note, I’m writing this article with the assumption that you were married and that both parents will continue to be involved in your children’s lives. If that’s not the case, there are still some points that will be helpful, but others may not apply or you may need to change the language to suit your needs, for instance, you can replace the word spouse with girlfriend/boyfriend/partner as needed. My hope is that all children will be encouraged to have some connection and relationship to both of their parents whenever possible.

1. Be honest, but don’t share too many details

Children, especially those under 5 years old, need clear and consistent messages that they can rely on. Being wishy washy or confused about whether you’ll divorce or get back together is fine within your adult relationship, but be careful not to draw your children into your indecision. Children need to understand the hard facts so that they can adjust to their new reality. And they are not your emotional support system. Rather, you are theirs, so if you find yourself talking to your kids about your relationship, please stop, refer to number 5 below, or call a friend.

Your kids also need a consistent message from both parents, so it’s important to get on the same page with your spouse on this point. What is our message to the children and can we both agree to share a consistent message? Perhaps you’ll say something like, “Mom and Dad have decided to live separately for the next 6 months. We both still love you and that will never change, but right now, we need space from each other.”

If your older child asks follow up questions about why or what happens after 6 months, you can let them know that adults have complicated relationships and that you haven’t decided yet, but try to keep your responses concise and consistent, without a lot of emotional content (whenever possible). And never ever share the details of your upset with your spouse with a child under 12.

2. Remind them that you’ll love them no matter what and none of this is their fault

I’m sure you’ve noticed that young children are very self-centered. Because of this developmentally appropriate inability to focus on others along with a tendency to think that the world revolves around them, children often assume that when bad things happen, it’s their fault. It’s important to make sure that your kids know that your love for them and the other parent’s love for them will not change, just because you’re no longer living together. They should also be reminded that your decision to live separately has absolutely nothing to do with them. This is one thing my parents did right during their divorce, and I’m certain that it made a positive impact on me to know for sure that both of my parents still loved me no matter what and that I didn’t cause their problems.

3. Be kind to your spouse

OK, I know this one sounds like a tall order right now, this was one of the most traumatic aspects of my own parent’s divorce. They were furious with each other and they let me see it. I heard them yelling at each other over the phone. There were slammed doors. And the tension between them was palpable for YEARS. In fact, for most of my life I believed that while they both loved me, my parents hated each other. That was a difficult burden to bear, especially since they were my whole world at 5 years old.

So, if you’re able to maintain civility with your spouse, please do so. It’s OK to argue in front of the kids, but only if you make up in front of them too. It’s also OK to have lots of feelings about your spouse that you don’t share with your kids. But in order for children to feel safe and secure, it’s important to show them that even though you’ve chosen to live separately, you still respect each other, and you support one another’s right to have a good and healthy relationship with your children.

Obviously if there is sexual or physical abuse happening, this may not be possible. But even in cases of abuse, it’s important for children to be allowed to maintain some contact with their parent if that’s what they want. Every child is different and will process their experiences differently. In the case of abuse, rely on a therapist, social worker, or other healthcare professional to help you decide how much contact and what kind to allow.

This is something my parents did right. Even though they weren’t able to maintain a civil tone with each other, they did ensure that I got to see and have relationships with each of them and that was a huge gift. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a close relationship with each of my biological parents, even though neither of them are perfect and they both made mistakes.

So please do your best not to villainize your spouse to your children. No matter how tempting it might be to punish your spouse by keeping them away from your kids, remember that these types of actions will ultimately harm your children much more than they will teach your spouse a lesson.

4. Talk about their feelings

Providing emotional support for your kids is one of your most important jobs as you navigate your separation. They may not be ready to talk about their feelings about the separation in particular, but even so, you can talk about their feelings about all sorts of other things. Kids may not even realize that their upset about a situation at school could actually be related to their upset about your separation, and that’s perfectly OK. The crucial piece is to make sure you’re talking about feelings regularly and helping your child make sense of their emotional world.

I highly recommend the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This book has helped me navigate many conflicts and has taught me how to respond with true empathy (it may not be what you think) as well as how to give myself empathy. These skills will help increase your child’s emotional intelligence which will make a huge positive impact for him throughout his life.

5. Get yourself some therapy

It’s super important to maintain your own health and wellbeing as much as possible during this stressful and challenging time. Therapy, coaching, or counseling is an absolute must for your emotional wellbeing as you navigate your separation and make decisions about how to proceed.

Self-care is the key to being able to be there for your kids right now. For some, that might look like extra baths with essential oils, late night phone calls with friends, or a weekend getaway. For others it’s getting to the gym regularly, eating healthier, or reading an inspiring book. Tune in to yourself and find several things you can do to support your own journey, so that you can be even more available to support your children during this transition.

6. One on one time with each child

This is a good practice, even when you’re not dealing with challenges. Kids need to know that they are important to you and one of the ways they know that they matter is when we set aside a specific time to spend with them, one on one. Turn off your phone and take your kiddo on a picnic, to a park, for some other activity, or just play together in the back yard. Give your child your full and undivided attention and do the things that make them feel cherished.

You may want to check out the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Once you know what your child’s primary and secondary love languages are, you’ll be more likely to find effective ways to fill up their love tank.

Do make sure you’re actually enjoying the time together too though. If you’re miserable, your one on one time with your child will flop. So find an activity you’ll both enjoy. For bonus points, tell your child 5 things you love about them and why you’re grateful for them.

7. Never use your kids as a bargaining chip

This is the #1 biggest pitfall you face as you navigate your separation. If you threaten to take the kids, seek full custody, or infringe on your spouse’s parental rights even a little bit, you’re doing your kids a huge disservice. Instead, be an advocate for their relationship with your spouse. Even though you no longer choose to live together, you obviously both want what’s best for your kids. And the research is clear, relationships with multiple loving adults provide better outcomes for kids.

Do your best to separate your own feelings about your spouse from those of their beloved children. Try to find opportunities to support their continued connection. Agree on a schedule and then stick to it as closely as possible. Children need consistency and clarity to feel safe and secure. So if every Friday night is pizza night at Daddy’s house, they’re more likely to relax into the routine and adjust to the new normal.

8. Spend some time in nature

Time in nature reduces your blood pressure and cortisol levels and exposes you to microbes that can actually make you happier! Studies have shown that even just 10 minutes in nature can make a significant positive impact on your mood and stress hormone levels. So, if you’re feeling blue or not sure what to do, go outside!

Teaching kids to use time in nature to help them de-stress, get a bit of exercise, and enjoy the sights and smells of the natural world is setting them up for future success. Finding effective strategies to handle their big feelings will be a huge asset for them later in life.

9. If the kids show signs of distress, get them some therapy or a support group too

My parents tried to send me to therapy when they first divorced but the therapist said I was handling things well and didn’t need the extra help. Two years later when my parents were locked in a custody battle and I was having unexplained stomach aches every day, my dad’s girlfriend, who happened to be a social worker and would later become my step mom, recommended that I get some professional support.

I was missing my mom terribly and wasn’t coping well. So she recommended that my dad sign me up for some group therapy with some other kids who were experiencing a similar situation. It was enormously helpful to know that I wasn’t alone and to get to play games and talk about my situation openly with other kids, as well as an adult. It’s not the kind of thing we talked about on the playground at school.

So if your child is having regular emotional outbursts, crying daily, having unexplained physical symptoms, or seems disconnected from their feelings entirely, get some professional help for them. In my opinion, it is always worth the cost of therapy to help a kid through a difficult transition.

10. If you’re dating, save the introductions until after the divorce is final, and even then, tread very lightly

I’m going to be blunt here. Until your divorce is final, please DO NOT introduce your kids to your new fling. It can be extremely confusing for kids to meet someone as the “babysitter” or “friend” only to later discover that they are in fact your new romantic partner. Just don’t go there. Depending on your state’s divorce laws, this could also cause you a whole bunch of trouble as you negotiate your divorce.

In fact, even after a finalized divorce, please tread lightly in this area. Meeting a string of people you’re casually dating is not helpful for your children. Only introduce your kids to a new romantic interest if you’re getting serious and the kids have had some time to process the truth that their parents will not be getting back together.

Also, don’t watch The Parent Trap, or any other movie that could give your kids false hope about you getting back together. But do read books about separation and divorce and answer their questions as honestly as possible while keeping their development in mind.

I guess I had quite a bit to say on this topic! May your relationships with your children continue to grow and thrive, even as you navigate your separation from your spouse or partner.

Warmly, Shelly

 

It’s been YEARS since I’ve actively blogged and you might have been wondering why you haven’t gotten any posts from Awake Parent for a while.

After my miscarriage I did get pregnant again and while I was pregnant, my husband’s office manager at his Chiropractic office left. He had wanted us to work together for years and I had resisted, since I loved working from home so much. But in 2013, I agreed to become the new Business Manager at Heartstone Family Chiropractic.

Now I know more than I ever wanted to know about medical insurance billing

It was a bit of learning curve, but I figured it all out and then in 2014, our son was born! Our daughter was absolutely thriving in her Montessori preschool but there were ZERO Montessori elementary programs available in Bend, OR. Even if there had been a private option for Montessori elementary, I concluded that it would cost us over $100,000 to send both of our kids through Montessori preschool and elementary. With free (yes I do pay my taxes) public school as an option, it just didn’t make sense to pay so much for elementary school when we really should be saving for college.

So, some friends and I decided to start a tuition free, publicly funded Montessori charter school! We formed the entity “Desert Sky Montessori” in the fall of 2014 and got to work on the application to our local school district. I’ll write more about this process in future posts, but needless to say, it took a lot longer and the process was far more involved that I originally anticipated. It took us three separate applications, a bunch of fundraising, three years, and many many volunteer hours to reach our goal.

I was the Desert Sky Montessori Board President for the entire process of our start up. So last year at this time I was frantically looking for space for our newly approved school. After more than three years of volunteer work, on my 40th birthday, I finally found out that my daughter would have a guaranteed spot in the school! We also received a $100,000 Planning grant from the Oregon Department of Education.

Our contract with our school district said that we had to sign a lease on a space by May 1st in order to open our doors in the fall of 2017. Also, none of the grant funds we had received could be used on facilities. Miracles ensued and I signed the lease on April 28th. I was so happy and relieved that we had finally found a space! Now we just had to remodel it, hire teachers, purchase furniture and materials, and get ready to welcome our students.

I started the first tuition free Montessori charter school in Central Oregon!!!

In September of 2017 we opened our school to over 100 students and my daughter began 2nd grade in her lower elementary (1st-3rd grade) classroom. Here’s a photo of my daughter and a few of her classmates after a recent small group lesson on polygons.

Montessori charter school lower elementary polygon lesson

So I guess my point is that I’ve been a bit busy while I’ve been away! But now I’m ready to come back, share even more information about conscious parenting, child development, Montessori, and my own parenting journey. But here’s the thing, my blog is going to be a bit different from now on and I wanted to give you a heads up.

No more Origami, this is me, deal with it

I turned 40 last March and there was something extremely powerful about turning 40 years old and opening a charter school that has changed me in some fundamental ways. In the past I cared a whole lot about pleasing others and making sure people like me. But when I turned 40 I found that I no longer cared as much about folding myself into Origami shapes just to please someone else. I felt more boldly myself. I didn’t need to modify my language or behavior to ensure that others felt comfortable.

So you can expect my future blogs to be more raw and real. There will likely be some cursing. I’ve learned a lot from parenting two kids, instead of just one, and from trying things that worked with #1 that absolutely flopped with #2. I’m definitely more bold but also less judgmental of others. I’ve found my grit too, so little challenges just don’t throw me off as much as they used to. I’m persistent and determined to do the things that really matter to me, and I don’t care as much about the rest.

There will be advertising

The other change you’ll notice is that I will begin some advertising on my site. I will only advertise products that I believe in or personally recommend. I may get some commissions (I hope!). And I will definitely be adding some information about one of my new loves, Young Living essential oils and products.

I understand that some folks will be upset by these changes, and that’s OK. If you’re irritated by my advertising or annoyed at how much I love Montessori education or my MLM essential oils, you’re welcome to unsubscribe. But I sure do hope you’ll stick around because I have so much great information, advice, and tons of personal stories to share with you! I’ve missed writing regularly and I’m very excited to get back to it!

I’m also considering recording some video blogs and doing some online classes. My coaching practice is reviving too. If these are things you’re interested in, please let me know. And as always, if there’s a particular topic you’re hoping I’ll write about, please share! I love to address specific issues that are happening right now. Thanks for being here and I’m excited about what’s next!

Hey there! I recently had a lovely conversation/interview with John and Jahaira about their plans to get pregnant and become parents. We talked about early childhood development, sustaining a nurturing relationship with a partner before baby arrives, parent/child dynamics, mindset, and cultivating critical thinking in very young children. Also, we had fun and discussed how we might handle it if we were to see a child being spanked in a public place. Their podcast will be ongoing, so I hope you’ll check it out!

You can listen on itunes here:

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/pre-parenting-101-shelly-birger/id952485811?i=334079282&mt=2

or on Sound Cloud here:

https://soundcloud.com/agileparents/pre-parenting-101-with-shelly-birger-phillips

Or you can go directly to John and Jahaira’s website and listen here:

http://www.agileparents.com/1/

Have a great week! Warmly, Shelly