Collette O'Mahony's Blog

Excuses, excuses.

Excuses can be seen as a way to mitigate personal responsibility or as a subtle form of apology. We often use them in hopes of softening the frustration of someone we have let down, yet consistently relying on excuses can reveal a conscious or unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s emotions, seeking either pity or control. It’s important to differentiate between someone making an excuse to spare another’s feelings and someone doing so to avoid accountability.

We employ all kinds of excuses to justify poor behaviour. These excuses spring from our belief system and are fertilised by unconscious guilt, shame or denial. Admitting we are wrong deflates the ego, while using an excuse neutralises the effect on our self-esteem. Using excuses like being distracted or overwhelmed with work is less damaging to our ego than admitting we are negligent or forgetful. Excusing our behaviour shifts responsibility to external factors, allowing us to avoid accountability. In so doing, we do not have to feel or process any guilt associated with our behaviour.

When we continually use excuses to mask our behaviour, we are signalling to the world that we have no control over our actions. Our energy conveys that we are not mature enough to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Excuses and denial are weeds that choke the seeds of potential. Every excuse we make to avoid facing our emotions stunts our growth, and the harm we inflict on our authentic self is mirrored back to us by the outer world.

Energy Signals

Feelings, such as shame and guilt, are less desirable than dignity or pride, and call for humility. It is the value judgment we attach to an emotion that characterises the feeling as right or wrong, good or bad. These labels are often subjective and are shaped by past experiences and beliefs. The key to releasing an emotion is to allow it to exist without assigning a value to it. This form of acceptance is transformational.

Emotions are energy signals from our body informing us of certain behaviours that are out of alignment with our authentic self. If we’ve wronged someone, they serve as a prompt to address the situation. If we avoid the prompt, the energy from the emotion is projected in the mind and becomes distorted by value judgements. For instance, a man cuts ahead of people queueing at a coffee takeout. He becomes aware of an energy signal that indicates he is out of sync with the people around him (our collective energy comes from the same source). Instead of apologising or stepping back in line, he ignores the emotion, and it triggers a feeling response such as ‘I’m justified because I am in a hurry’, or, ‘I am a regular customer and deserve to be served first’.

An objectified emotion becomes a feeling. Continuing to ignore energy signals lead to further projection of hurt and pain onto the world around us, which can manifest in disagreements at work, or arguments at home. If not addressed, these situations escalate into conflict and drama.

We may automatically use avoidance as the best option to numb our feelings by binging on TV, food or drink. Regardless of the avoidance strategy we use, we are letting our unresolved conflicts dictate our behaviour instead of confronting the issue. When we deny a feeling within us, we consign the energy to the unconscious where it causes behavioural defects. When we avoid necessary conversations to resolve conflicts, it often stems from a fear of the outcome. We may have witnessed or participated in conflicts that led to irreparable breakdowns, which have shaped our coping strategies. We might either avoid disputes altogether to preserve a relationship, or end a relationship to steer clear of conflict. This is the foundation of maladaptive behaviour, where we link every tense argument to a potentially explosive situation based on our history.

Releasing Emotions

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

Taken from A Compass for Change

Collette O’Mahony

June 2025

Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. We have already discussed avoidance as a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health.

Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

Trigger and Response.

With guidance and practice, we can learn to recognise triggers that cause a heightened emotional response to an event, person or image. We must identify these triggers in the moment, pause, then using something as simple as three deep breaths to break the automatic link between the emotional stressor and our automatic behavioural response, or reaction.

By taking responsibility for how we manage our emotions, we free ourselves from being ruled by automatic, often impulsive, behaviours that can escalate situations into conflict. Instead, we gain the freedom to choose how we respond, ensuring that our actions align with our values rather than our immediate emotional state.

When emotions are suppressed rather than addressed, they tend to resurface later, often with more intensity, triggered by similar situations from the past. Taking responsibility means acknowledging these emotions and addressing them head-on, rather than letting them fester. Once the emotional intensity cools, reflecting on the situation and the emotions it evoked such as fear, anger, guilt, or something else, gives us the power to understand our patterns and anticipate future reactions.

True Potential.

Taking responsibility is an important step towards realising our true potential. We must hold ourselves accountable for our thoughts, words and actions that negatively impact on our lives and others. Every harsh word from the inner critic of our mind, toward ourselves, shrinks the fulfilment of potential. When our minds are restless and our hearts are troubled, we lose connection with our inner guidance and struggle to know which way to go. When our minds are calm, our hearts open, and we gain clarity.

Through quiet reflection and conscious breathing, we can gain access to inner directive and our truest nature. True self is deeper than flesh, it is a wholesome nourishment in the seed of the individual, propagated by responsibility and freedom. The courage to change helps us to break through the tough shell of mental inertia to realise the fruit of our true design. Healing work is tending to the seed, encouraging it to germinate and casting off the husk of conditioned behaviour and unconscious beliefs. The seed of potential must be nourished by daily mindfulness to expand awareness.

We all have blind spots when it comes to our behaviour, sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity.

An extract from my book A COMPASS FOR CHANGE

For online counselling contact me at : info@colletteomahony.com

or visit my counselling page colletteomahony.com/counselling

The landscape of counselling has been transformed by the advent of online therapy. No longer do we need to stress about battling traffic, searching for a car park space near the therapist’s office, or worrying about making it to an appointment on time via public transport. Instead, we can simply make a cup of tea, settle into a quiet space, and click on the secure link sent by our therapist.

The ease and accessibility of online counselling have made therapy more inclusive and convenient, allowing individuals to seek support from the comfort of their own homes. Whether you are juggling a busy schedule, living in a remote location, or simply prefer the privacy of an online session, virtual therapy provides a seamless way to access professional support without additional logistical concerns.

The Changing Face of Online Therapy: Chrysalis and PALM

In the UK, Chrysalis has long been recognised as a leading provider of counselling courses, offering comprehensive training for aspiring therapists nationwide. Recently, they have expanded their services to include online therapy through a pioneering mental health initiative known as PALM.

Palm

I had the privilege of joining the PALM program during its pilot phase, helping to test and refine its online counselling service. The significant interest in this initiative highlights both the dedication of the team behind PALM and the growing demand for hassle-free therapy options. PALM has developed a secure video platform and booking system designed with client confidentiality and user-friendliness in mind. One of its key benefits is the ability for clients to choose a therapist who feels like the right fit for them, reinforcing the importance of a personalised therapy experience.

Making the Most of Your Online Therapy Sessions

From my experience as an online therapist, I have gathered some useful tips for those considering one-to-one online counselling. Implementing these suggestions can help ensure you get the best out of your sessions:

Preparing for Your Sessions

Set Clear Goals: Consider what you hope to achieve from therapy. Setting realistic and achievable goals with your therapist can provide a sense of direction and progress.Understand the Process: Ask your therapist how online therapy works and what to expect. If any terminology is unfamiliar, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification.Create a Safe Space: Choose a quiet, private area in your home where you won’t be disturbed. If you’re concerned about being overheard, using headphones can enhance privacy.Minimise Distractions: Turn off notifications, silence your phone, and close unnecessary tabs on your laptop to remain fully present during the session.

During the Session

Use Your Time Wisely: Therapy is your space to explore thoughts and emotions that you may not feel comfortable discussing with friends or family. Be open and honest with your therapist about how you’re feeling.Stay Present: It can be easy to let your mind wander, especially in an at-home setting. Engaging fully in the session will help you gain the most from the experience.

After the Session

Take Time to Reflect: Once your session ends, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Are you overwhelmed, relieved, or experiencing a mix of emotions? This self-awareness can help you process your thoughts and track your emotional progress over time.Step Outside If Possible: If you’ve had an intense session, a change of scenery, such as a short walk or some fresh air, can help ground you.Reach Out for Support: If you feel the need, consider letting someone you trust know that you’ve had a session. Having a trusted person check in with you afterward can be a source of comfort.

Building Trust in the Online Therapy Space

It’s completely natural for therapy to feel unfamiliar at first. Building trust and establishing a strong connection with your therapist takes time. If you ever feel uneasy or unsure, communicating these feelings with your therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Being open about your experience allows your therapist to tailor their approach to better support you.

Therapy is a journey of self-discovery, healing, and growth. Whether you’re navigating a significant life transition, coping with grief, or seeking to understand yourself better, online counselling offers a valuable space for reflection and change. By approaching it with an open mind and a willingness to engage, you can make the most of this transformative process—right from the comfort of your own home.

Start your counselling journey today by browsing through Palm’s directory of skilled therapists at palmtalkingtherapy.com

Article written by Collette O’Mahony, Pluralistic Therapist and member of PALM.

Recognising areas of conflict

To diffuse misunderstandings in a relationship, we must focus on the feelings that contribute to the situation by processing our emotions. We can then use analytical thinking grounded in facts rather than emotional thinking based on fear. This helps us to better understand our differences and look for a resolution. Conversely, if we exit relationships rather than work through conflicts, we risk accumulating a pattern of broken connections. While we might make excuses for relationship breakdowns or blame others for being unreasonable, we are ultimately at the centre of all our relationships. It is essential to recognise that conflict arises from our avoidance of processing emotions.

We need intention and self-awareness to follow our behaviour back to its origin. We also require determination. We have magpie minds that alight on glitter rather than mining for real treasure. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts. Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (Remember, a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation; just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour.

When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice of how we act, or react to the emotional stressor. Avoidance is a maladaptive behavioural response to excessive fear and anxiety. Avoiding challenging situations may provide temporary relief, but it can hinder personal growth and fulfilment over time. Avoidance as a coping mechanism leads to dependence, and it undermines our confidence.

We must push through limiting attitudes if we are to germinate and grow. A seed needs darkness to germinate and light to grow. When we are immersed in darkness, we are in germination; we must keep pushing through until we reach the light of a new consciousness, a higher level of understanding. Life is cyclical, seasons come and go, and we are perennial, cosmic flowers having a human experience. 

An extract from – A Compass for Change.

Click on the image to go to my Amazon Bookshelf.

Collette.

Our ability to accept and admit our weakness demonstrates emotional maturity and courage of mind. Good mental health requires us to see past the defence mechanisms we employ to obscure our faults and failings. If we let ourselves be defined by these behavioural flaws, our unconscious thoughts continue to write misleading narratives in the story of our self-identity. Like a poisoned chalice, we must stop drinking from the well of unconscious beliefs. No matter how we try to rearrange or reorder our thoughts, they will not change without first addressing their source. True healing and personal evolution begin with inner reflection, not merely with superficial adjustments. Re-filling a chalice with water from the same poisoned well always has the same harmful effect.

We use all kinds of excuses to justify poor behaviour. These excuses spring from our belief system and are fertilised by unconscious guilt, shame or denial. Admitting we are wrong deflates the ego, while using an excuse neutralises the effect on our self-esteem. Using excuses like being distracted or overwhelmed with work is less damaging to our ego than admitting we are negligent or forgetful. Excusing our behaviour shifts responsibility to external factors, allowing us to avoid accountability. In so doing, we do not have to feel or process any guilt associated with our behaviour.

Excuses can be seen as a way to mitigate personal responsibility or as a subtle form of apology. We often use them in hopes of softening the frustration of someone we have let down, yet consistently relying on excuses can reveal a conscious or unconscious attempt to manipulate other people’s emotions, seeking either pity or control. It’s important to differentiate between someone making an excuse to spare another’s feelings and someone doing so to avoid accountability. When we continually use excuses to mask our behaviour, we are signalling to the world that we have no control over our actions. Our energy conveys that we are not mature enough to take responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Excuses and denial are weeds that choke the seeds of potential. Every excuse we make to avoid facing our emotions stunts our growth, and the harm we inflict on our authentic self is mirrored back to us by the outer world. As we suppress, so we are suppressed; as we deny, so we are denied.

2nd of December 2024.

Extract from A Compass for Change – a roadmap of self-discovery and transformation.

We all have blind spots for our behaviour; sometimes it takes someone else to challenge us on our difficult or challenging behaviours. When confronted with these blind spots, we often become defensive or deny them, confusing our behaviour with our sense of identity. We may be within our rights to confront someone about their behaviour, but how we respond makes a difference in whether the situation is diffused or escalates.

If we can respond calmly, we might even get an apology. But if we react with anger, the other person is likely to deny their behaviour. To resolve our anger, we need to identify its source and address it directly with the person involved so they understand the effect their behaviour is having on us. If we stay silent, our bottled-up frustration will probably come out as misplaced anger later.

Accountability is paramount when facing the more challenging parts of our behaviour, feelings and beliefs. While we tend to evaluate others based on their behaviour, we primarily perceive ourselves through the lens of our good intentions rather than the quality of our behaviour. This form of myopia can obscure our awareness, causing us to act out in ways that misrepresent us, and offend others. This is our shadow self or blind-side, the obscured place where opinions, beliefs and prejudices go unnoticed and unchallenged. Developing awareness of our prejudices and assumptions, when processing new information, takes mindfulness and determination. If our behaviour is causing someone distress, it’s important to identify what that behaviour is and adjust our responses accordingly. We need to take responsibility for such maladaptive behaviours by interrupting the automatic cycle that connects emotional triggers to our behaviour and actions. We achieve this through mindfulness. Regular mindfulness practice and a commitment to discovering our true potential can transform our thinking, as well as our words and actions.

When our feelings are clear and unclouded, it leads to more focused thinking. Inspired thoughts that arise from our inner directive lead to inspired action. By taking ownership of our thoughts and actions, we convey a powerful message that we are progressing toward responsibility and unlocking our true potential.

Extract from A Compass for Change – available now on Amazon.

A cataclysmic event like the death of a loved one, divorce, or job loss dramatically shifts us from a state of stability into the unknown. Stability offers a sense of continuity, routine, and security, while such unexpected events dismantle that foundation, forcing us into a space where growth, adaptation, and emotional processing become necessary.

When something significant occurs, especially unexpectedly, it directly affects our mental health. These events disrupt our familiar patterns and throw our lives into emotional and practical turmoil. We may experience intense feelings of loss and grief, as our subconscious mind, which thrives on repetition and stability, struggles to cope with sudden change.

Whether the change is gradual, like separation and divorce, or immediate, like the sudden death of a loved one, the event triggers a cascade of emotional and psychological responses such as shock, grief, confusion, and even disorientation. In these moments, our natural inclination is to resist change. The subconscious mind clings to established routines and familiar behaviours, attempting to restore a sense of stability. For instance, someone experiencing bereavement may wake up expecting their loved one to still be there, only to be painfully reminded that they are gone. This is because the subconscious takes longer to process and accept changes that contradict its habitual patterns.

Faced with sudden, unwelcome change, resistance is a natural, almost automatic, reaction. This resistance stems from the mind’s need to hold on to the safety and familiarity of stability. Our subconscious mind is programmed to maintain order through daily habits and conditioned responses, but when those routines are shattered, the mind becomes overwhelmed, leading to a sense of confusion, forgetfulness, and emotional exhaustion. This is evident in the grieving process.

Grief

After the loss of a loved one, it can take weeks or even months for the subconscious mind to adjust to the new reality. During that time, the conscious mind bears the weight of constantly reminding the subconscious that the loss is real, which can feel mentally and emotionally exhausting. This ongoing mental battle adds to the feelings of disorientation that many grieving individual’s experience, leaving them questioning their sanity.

The subconscious starts to adapt in time, and the gradual process of adjustment to sudden change begins. Just as our mind gradually learned routines and habits during stable periods, it can relearn new patterns in the wake of change. But this adaptation doesn’t happen overnight. Eventually, as the subconscious begins to acknowledge the reality of the situation, the emotional and cognitive strain on the conscious mind starts to ease. As the subconscious adjusts, feelings of confusion and mental overload begin to lift. The grieving person starts to experience moments of clarity, and with it, the ability to process their feelings of loss in a more focused and manageable way. This adjustment marks the point where growth begins to emerge from the loss of stability.

A extract from my new book on change and inner transformation – A Compass for Change.

Maladaptive Behaviour.

Maladaptive behaviour refers to actions that are ineffective or counterproductive when adapting to situations. These behaviour patterns often hinder personal growth, coping skills, or social functioning. For instance, avoidance is a maladaptive strategy, which can lead to conflict in relationships or work, impacting mental health. Maladaptive behaviours are usually formed to serve a purpose, such as relieving stress, or to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as guilt, shame or fear. By understanding their function, we can look at healthier alternatives to fulfil that purpose. We need to recognise the emotional stressors that trigger our maladaptive behaviours. For instance, feeling unwell might lead us to worry that our symptoms indicate a more serious condition. If this behaviour goes unchecked, it may escalate and we start to catastrophise, imagining our illness as a life-threatening disease. This fear often originates from past experiences, such as a loved one who visited the doctor and ended up in the hospital for an extended period, or perhaps never returned home. In this case, the fearful emotional memory is the root cause of the catastrophising behaviour, which in turn induces anxiety.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is a defence mechanism that people use to express negative feelings indirectly rather than confronting them openly. This behaviour often stems from an inability or unwillingness to communicate emotions like anger, frustration, or resentment in a direct, assertive way. Instead of addressing issues head-on, individuals who use passive-aggressive tactics engage in subtle resistance, sarcasm, procrastination, or sullen behaviour. This defence mechanism often develops as a way to avoid conflict or the discomfort of expressing anger openly, especially in environments where direct expression of emotions is discouraged or unsafe. While passive-aggressive behaviour may temporarily shield someone from confrontation, it ultimately undermines relationships and personal growth. It leads to unresolved issues and creates confusion or frustration for others, as the true emotions remain hidden behind a mask of compliance or indifference.

Another example of maladaptive behaviours is people-pleasing, especially if it tries to emulate, rather than demonstrate genuine compassion. People-pleasing can be used to gain social acceptance, affection and to boost low self-esteem. This compulsivity arises from the need to be liked, accepted and fit into society. This maladaptive behaviour in its extreme can result in sycophantic behaviour where acquiescence buys affection, and truth is traded for flattery.

Libido and Mortido by George Mayer.

To uncover the root of a maladaptive behaviour such as catastrophising, people-pleasing or passive-aggressiveness, we must examine our core beliefs, asking ourselves: Who did we feel we had to please in order to survive? And deep down, are we still trying to gain that person’s approval?

It is essential to connect to our authentic self to prioritise our goals and well-being over social approval. When we are guided by our authentic self, we find that our best interest is also for the highest interest of others, this is a natural symbiotic relationship that occurs in the shared fabric of existence.

In our daily life, we encounter triggers that threaten to unlock feelings we have long tried to conceal. Projection, denial and passive aggressiveness are all maladaptive behaviours used to deflect attention from deep rooted psychological pain and vulnerability. While defensive behaviour learned in childhood may have offered us some protection or temporary relief at the time, it often becomes counterproductive in adulthood. Defensive mechanisms we learn in childhood can hinder our ability to form healthy relationships as adults, to address problems constructively, and develop emotional resilience.

It takes intention and self-awareness to follow a behaviour back to its origin. It also requires determination. Once we recognise disturbing thoughts and behaviours, we may feel compelled to struggle against them. We falsely believe that by fighting them, we can eliminate unwanted inclinations. However, our role is simply to be an observer. When we observe difficult thoughts, we must also experience the emotions that accompany them. Avoiding our feelings can result in mental wrestling, leading to a chaotic spiral of thoughts.

Notice an emotion in your body that is triggered by a thought or feeling. (a feeling is an emotion embellished with value judgements; an emotion is a sensation stripped of thought.) Allow the emotion to be as it is, whether it is a tingling or heavy sensation, just observe it without resistance or judgement. With this continued practice, the energy will release and it can no longer fuel difficult thoughts and maladaptive behaviour. When we become aware of maladaptive behaviours and their source, they cease to have an unconscious hold over us. Instead of an automatic reactive response in a triggering situation, we have a conscious choice as to how we act, or react, to the emotional stressor.

From my upcoming book ‘A Compass for Change’ ( A roadmap of self-discovery and transformation). Available soon on Amazon Books.

Collette O’Mahony.

November 2024.

Objectivity is based on realism, it is an unbiased, balanced observation based on verifiable fact. Subjectivity is based on opinion, it is assumption, interpreted without verifiable facts. Objectivity is the perception of external matters; subjectivity is the perception of internal matters. Subjectivity and objectivity co-exist in us and both are necessary pathways to inner and outer awareness. We require a doctor’s unbiased diagnosis, however, their prescriptive treatment may be both objective (based on factual research) and subjective (based on personal/professional experience).

When we are in the throes of a difficult life transition, we want someone to listen to us. If we are not heard on a personal level, our whirlwind of thought and emotion creates a loop of frenetic and agitated behaviour, which in turn leads to anxiety and other mental health issues. We need to look at mental health in a new and productive way, we mustn’t wait until there is a build-up of emotional pain or psychological incapacity before we approach self-help and therapy. We need to recognise the difference between subjectivity and reality, the difference between opinion and fact. Long held beliefs based on childhood conditioning can easily be mistaken for the truth, just as self-talk is confused with true self. We must sift through the subconscious to find the knots that tie us to outdated modes of thinking; conditioned beliefs that no longer serve our best interest.

Image: Brooke Shaden Photography

We need to look at the facts before forming an opinion as opposed to forming an opinion then looking for facts to support it, while ignoring any facts that contradict our set opinion.  Often in life we will clash with someone who has a differing opinion to our own. We are quick to point out the holes in someone else’s opinion but not so eager to examine our own. We tend to align ourselves with people who share our beliefs and think like we do but it doesn’t necessarily follow that we will have the same opinions. Trying to convince someone that they are wrong is futile, instead provide them with the facts and let them come to their own conclusion. The same approach applies to ourselves. If we are entrenched in a particular belief, we must look at the source of that belief and how it underpins our identity. Subjectivity is often based on conditioned beliefs and it requires a shift in attitude and behaviour to allow objectivity to surface. When we cling to a subjective belief, it becomes necessary to our identity, even if that opinion causes us anxiety. We cling to the crumbling ruin of our subconscious beliefs rather than build solid foundations based on realism and objectivity. If we believe the moon is made of cheese, we will avoid any evidence to the contrary because doing so will destabilise our identity. Even if our reasoning is corrupt, we forge ahead with arguments based on hyperbole rather than fact so that we can substantiate our fragile ego. Rather that debate opinion, the mature approach is to sift fact from fiction. If the debate is based on reason and logic, then it is easy to examine the facts. If an argument is based on differing opinions the mature approach is to agree to differ. It is futile to debate whether the moon is made of Wensleydale or Cheddar. We require objectivity for reasoning and critical thinking, subjectivity helps with context and experience.

From my upcoming book – A Compass or Change. For one to one counselling appointments on Zoom contact me here:

Collette O’Mahony 14/04/2024

(info@colletteomahony.com)

Self-care is our way of prioritising mental, physical and emotional wellness. It can help manage symptoms of stress and anxiety, contributing to our overall well-being. Self-care is the act of caring for ourselves and making a conscious effort to do things we enjoy and that we will benefit from. It’s about being aware of our health, identifying our needs, and taking steps to meet them.

It may sound simple, given that we shower, dress and eat our meals on a daily basis. But self-care is more than taking care of our basic needs in a hurried or frenzied manner while we rush to the next task. We have to listen to our body to truly understand its needs. Keeping busy and socialising may work for some people, but others may benefit from some alone time. Prioritising our mental and emotional health is a priority, all well-being proceeds from here. As the flight attendant tells us in the airline’s ‘case of emergency’ talk before take-off, be sure to put on your own oxygen mask first before seeing to others. This applies to energy also; tap into your own energy source daily to recharge your system. Otherwise, you run the risk of absorbing energy from those around you.

The exchange of energy between people is a secondary supply at best, and is on a lower vibration than source energy. When we interact with people in a passive-aggressive, defensive or a fearful way, we are opening our energy field to negative influences. We run the risk of vibrating at a lower frequency and begin to feel tired, stressed and anxious. To combat this low frequency energy exchange, we must tap into our own source of energy on a daily basis. By practicing mindfulness, we can tap into the energy source at the core of our being. This not only has a calming and uplifting effect but it also helps to set strong boundaries, this will ensure we don’t absorb other people’s negative energy and they are unable to take our source energy through their behaviour and role play.

Keep a self-care journal. Note at least 3 things you did to contribute to your own well-being; such as a walk in nature, a relaxing bath, and 30 minutes of mindfulness. Find things to be grateful for, write them down. Sometimes, when we are at a low-ebb it is difficult to find things to be grateful for, but if you can open your eyes in the morning, walk the dog, see beauty in your surroundings then there are things to be grateful for. Gratitude ignites well-being, with this constant attitude you can transform your life.

I have listed below some essential actions toward well-being and self-care. You may add other things that benefit you such as reading, listening to music, stroking your pet or just sitting quietly with a cup of coffee.

1. Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment, and accepting it without judgment. Mindfulness has been scientifically proven to be a key element in stress reduction and overall happiness. Take at least 10 -15 minutes morning and evening to sit quietly. Make sure your phone is turned off or out of reach. Begin by taking 3 deep breaths, slowly breathing in and slowly releasing. Continue to focus on the breath until you become aware of the breathing process as a natural phenomenon. Your mind will run mental checklists and try to push you into the past or drag you into the future. Rather than resisting, or acting on thoughts, allow them to be there, almost like an overcast sky. Return your focus to the breath by inhaling and exhaling deeply a number of times. Eventually, thoughts will drift off if as you continue your commitment to the present moment.

2. Downtime.

Relaxation can give you some much-needed quiet time. It’s often the only time you can hear your own thoughts and reflect on your feelings. You may know what helps you to relax, like sitting down with a cup of tea and your favourite book, going for a dog walk, or having a long, warm bath. It’s important to schedule some downtime, making time to fully switch is beneficial for your mental and emotional wellbeing.

3. Set boundaries

It is important to know it’s not selfish to say no to someone, in fact sometimes it is necessary. Learning to say no without guilt can be empowering. Setting boundaries like this can give you the time and energy you need to rest, recharge and replenish your energy so you can also care for loved ones and family. Saying no isn’t always easy, you may worry you are letting someone down. But an important part of self-care is knowing when to step back and when to reach out for help. Counselling can help you work through these difficulties, teaching you how to set healthy boundaries and know when your mind and body need a break.

4. Physical Health.

Your physical health is as important as mental health, and the work hand-in-hand. Incorporating self-care into your lifestyle requires you to look into food nourishment, physical activity and sleeping habits. When we’re swamped with work and family duties, your physical health can often be the first to dwindle. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. If you’re going through a difficult time, sleep gives your body the chance to rest and your mind the time to process your day. What and when you eat can also affect how you feel and how you sleep.

5. Talking about your situation.

If you’re finding it hard to cope, talking to others can offer a sense of relief. Sometimes, we can be surrounded by people but we may feel very alone. There are people who care about you and support is available. Perhaps ask a friend to join you on a walk and ask if they could just listen to you talk rather than offering solutions. Part of self-care is not allowing yourself to go through the journey alone, there are several charitable foundations that offer group and one-to-one support. Self-care is about you and your health and there are times in life that we all need support. Never, underestimate the power of talking and listening, knowing that we matter is essential to our wellbeing.

While self-care is about caring for yourself, seeking and accepting help when it’s needed is a big part of self-management. If you’re stressed, feeling low or having difficulty coping day to day, going through it alone makes the journey all the more difficult. Counselling can help you understand how vital it is to take care of yourself. A counsellor can help you learn how to cope with your emotional stressors and behavioural issues leading to a greater understanding of yourself and those around you. Putting yourself first, contrary to social beliefs, is the single most important step you will ever take towards self-care and continued well-being.

Collette O’Mahony.

March 2024.

If you want to get in touch about online counselling (zoom) you can contact me at info@colletteomahony.com.

http://www.colletteomahony.com/counselling