Stephanie Nash's Blog

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“Channel 3 was able to catch up with millionaire, and ex-playboy, Alexander James to discuss the future of Salerno Health, his thoughts on telemedicine, and his upcoming adventure into fatherhood in this exclusive interview.”

“Alex…” I moan. I try desperately to fight against the fuzzy cloud surrounding my mind, and barely able to keep my head up.

“Mr. James, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. Channel 3, as well as all of our viewer’s, thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure to support our valley in any way possible.”

“Alex…” I can hear his voice, but it’s distant and all I want is for him to come to me. Can’t he hear me?

“Before we start, we’d like to congratulate you on the upcoming birth of your first child. It’s got to be such an exciting time in your life.”

“Thank you,” he chuckles. “I think the word you mentioned earlier was adventure. Up to this point, everything has been a whirlwind. And most definitely a good one.”

“And the mother? How is she?”

“She’s…perfect.”

“Alex…” With each cry, my throat is on fire. On top of struggling to move, I’m unable to open my eyes.

“I think I just heard women all over the nation swoon with jealousy. When is the baby due?”

“Within the month.”

“What an exciting time for you. Well, enough with us prying into your personal life, let’s get on to why you’re really here. Please, Mr. James, tell us about the telemedicine initiatives that Salerno Health is involved with.”

“Well Diane, that’s actually a great segue since health is so personal to all of us…”

Alex’s voice fades into the background just as I hear rustling filling in the all too quiet room. I can feel the panic setting in. As a reflex, my eyes flutter open and I instantly regret it. The dingy room is too bright and there’s a heavy musty smell in the air. I squint against the bright rays of sun shining through the filthy curtains, giving my eyes time to refocus on my surroundings.

I don’t like what I see.

“Alex?” I moan again. Why isn’t he answering me?

The faint sound of a lullaby stills me. My heart skips a beat when I feel my baby kick. I can’t help myself from smiling, which quickly fades when I try to reach down and caress my belly.

Rolling my head from side to side feels heavier than normal and my attempt at clearing the fog inside my mind is almost pointless. My eye lids feel heavy and when I attempt to wipe the sleep away from my eyes, the panic sets in.

I’m unable to move my arms and legs.

Through my fear, I’m struggling to fight off a full-fledged panic attack but manage to pry my lids apart and keep them open; the sun no longer hurting my eyes. Although my vision is fuzzy, I can make out the grimy yellow walls to my left side. The only item out of place is an old acoustic guitar which leans against the wall in the corner of the room by a bright teal door.

Nothing about this room seems familiar. Frantically trying to remember how I got here, I can’t recall anything. It’s all a blur.

My focus turns to the hand splayed on the bed next to me, a rope wrapped around its wrist. It takes a full minute before I realize the hand is mine.

I roll my head slightly to the right taking in the rest of the room, trying to decide what level of alarm my brain should register. Dirty curtains, a worn brown chair which sits in front of an old, bulky television, and an awkward painting of a mother and child that doesn’t match the room sits on the far wall.

My heart rate doubles at the sight of the unnerving painting and my thoughts go directly to my daughter. Cadence. I really have to get out of here. The adrenalin finally kicks in and with great effort, I attempt to pull my legs up, before realizing that my ankles are also tied with rope. I continue struggling; beads of sweat forming on my forehead are now trickling down my temples.

“Help! Please help! Is anybody out there?” I scream and scream until my voice grows hoarse.

A faint chuckle breaks my screaming cries. Afraid of what I might find, I tentatively look to the right and freeze in sheer terror.

Arianna stands, dark circles surround her eyes as she leans against the wall. Next to her, a tiny white whicker bassinette sits decorated in pink bows. The sweet furniture is a complete contrast in comparison to the nightmare standing next to it.

“Good, now that you’re awake this is going to be way more fun.”

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Here is the pregnancy scene from Alex's POV. Do not read if you haven't read book 2 yet.

“You really should keep both of your hands on the wheel.”

As the SUV slips and slides across the icy road I can tell she’s just as nervous as I am. I’d be lying if I said I was use to this kind of weather. I’m almost inclined to lie, if only to keep her hand in mine. Like an adolescent boy, my heart races just by the simple contact.

“Fine,” I mumble, eyes narrowing on the road ahead of us. Do you know how frustrating it is to deal with the seesaw of emotions emanating from her? One minute it’s as if we were never apart. The next, I feel like I’m hanging on by a teeny tiny thread just to keep her within reach. Let me tell you…it is exhausting. I’ve never been the candy and flowers type of guy; more like the give you an orgasm and forget your name type of guy. But with her, she destroys - all slivers of my insecurities, making them into gaping holes. It’s as if she has a free pass to reach inside and own every inch of my soul. And what do I get in return? A continuous push and pull, ; giving me nothing but doubt.

I need something from her. Something to remind me why this is all worth it. That she’s all worth it. Even though deep down in my depths, I know she’s the only one for me. I need her to remind me what I’m fighting for.

“Tell me something I don’t know…a secret.”

“If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a secret.” Her voice is playful, but I can see her fingers fidgeting with her seatbelt revealing her unease.

“I’m winning so far, Hart. Are you really going to give up so easily?” I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. “Because, you know if I win I get to pick my prize.”

In all honesty I hope she wins. I’d rather be at her will; giving into all of her wants and needs rather than feeling as if she’s only giving me what I crave because of a bet. Then again, the thought of her tied to my bed, naked, her legs wide open waiting for me to take a taste. The thought ignites a fire inside me.

“I don’t think I can, Alex.” I know she’s hiding more than just her face as she faces the window. As the night wears on she’s been slowly retreating into herself and I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow it to continue. I thought if I slowly tried to move us back to where we were before I left she’d be more inclined to go along. And considering my early attempts at fucking my way into her subconscious didn’t work, I had to try a new tactic.

“Try me,” I insist just as I pull into the parking lot of the hotel.
After a moment of silence, I relinquish the fact that she isn’t going to give in and instead of stewing in my own remorse, I exit the car. What irritates me even more is that she has totally ignored my challenge. I’d rather she yell at me for being an idiot for leaving her. I’d rather she punch, kick and scream at the top of her lungs for making the worst decision of my life than to have her silence. I’d rather know something…anything about what’s going on in that stubborn head of hers instead of constantly wondering what she’s keeping from me.

I would tell her what’s going on in my head, if she’d only ask. I would tell her how much rage I feel with even the thought of another man touching her, exploring her, hearing her pant with want, the feeling of desperation as she pushes herself against him searching for that moment of release. The idea that she’s been with someone else is like a slow grate across my skin. And my thoughts go straight to Oliver, who’s like a bad case of herpes that never goes away… Fuck me. There aren’t enough walls to keep my monster at bay if that’s what she’s hiding. I’d knock down every single one of them and there would be no one left to stop me.

I don’t know what possesses me, -but instead of walking towards her, I kneel down to cup a handful of snow and move my hands along the cold surface to form a ball. I know she’s gonna be pissed, but the idea of pissing her off and getting a reaction out of her is too tempting to pass up. I’m past the point of no return. I’ll hold her down in the snow if I have to. But she will tell me what’s going on.

I toss the loosely packed ball of ice at her retreating back, forcing her to turn around pinning me with a glare.
“You think you’re getting out of this that easy?” I tease as I kneel down to gather more snow. “Tell me your secret, Hart.”

She balls her hands into fists as she bites back, “You can’t handle it.” Once again she turns to walk away, but I quickly toss another ball. It lands on her shoulder, shards of ice bursting around her.

She brushes the snow off as she turns to face me. “Damn it, Alex! Stop acting like a child!”

If she thinks this is childish, she should see the stance of defiance she’s giving right now. With her hands braced on her hips, lips in a stern line, I bite back the urge to laugh. She’s damn sexy when she’s angry. If only she knew that her rebellious nature makes me want her more.

“Then just tell me. I won’t judge you and you have to know I’m not averse to pulling you into one of these snow piles and waiting until you beg me to let you up.” I’d be more than happy to lay her down right here in this parking lot and have my way with her. I’m not against public displays of affection and we’ve been known to have voyeuristic moments before.

“Fine! You really want to know? You want me to tell you something that will inevitably change your life in an immeasurable way? Here? In the parking lot of a hotel?”

I nod. My throat tightening as I survey her face. She’s really upset. I almost regret pushing her for this. Whatever she’s about to say is going to fucking hurt. But I’d rather rip off the Band-Aid, exposing all of the ugliness between us rather than sit in silence while she slowly pulls farther and farther away from me. I can’t take it anymore. I want her. No, it’s more than that. I need her. She’s the only thing that’s keeping me tethered to reality anymore.

“Go on, Elyssa. I’m waiting and I don’t care what it is, where we are, or who this is about. I need you to tell me what’s going on. I promise…I’ll be here. No. Matter. What.”

I wait and wait for what feels like forever as she chews on her bottom lip, her eyes dropping to the asphalt between us. Several minutes pass before she speaks, merely a whisper but her words ring loud and clear.

“I’m pregnant.”

No. That’s not possibly. I misheard her. I shake my head trying to clear the white noise that has now filled my thoughts.

A flash of memories consume me.
“Did you hear me, Alex?” Her sweet voice filled with worry, yet I can’t see past the blur of images swirling in my mind.

My Dad with his belt, hitting me repeatedly as I startled awake from sleep, his breathing reeking of beer, the smell of his dirty women as they clung to me hoping I’d be their savior. My mother’s whimpers as she pulled herself into a ball for protection as he stood menacingly over her. My mother’s voice, pleading with him to stop hurting me every time he decided I needed discipline. All of these thoughts flood my brain the moment those everlasting words left her mouth.

God, what did I do? “No.”

“Just to be clear, I just told you that I’m pregnant, and you told me no. Who does that, Alex?” Me. That’s who. I can’t do this. I can’t subject a child, our child, to the bullshit from my past. That bastard is inside of me. He’s a part of me. “I just gave into you, told you want I knew you didn’t want to hear, and you said no.”

My body begins to tremble. Not because of the cold from the snow surrounding us, but from the absolute terror of what I’ve done and from the look of disappointment on her face.

“Fuck you, Alex.” And with that she starts to walk away from me.

“Fuck.” I whisper as I run my fingers through my hair before resting my palms on the back of my neck. I was prepared to fight for her. I was prepared to hear the worst of the worst, but I wasn’t prepared for this.

She swirls around, her hands dropping to her flat stomach. It’s as if she’s protecting the baby…protecting the baby from me. My gaze is frozen on her hands.

“You’re pregnant?” She nods.

“What…when?” I drop my hands, fisting them at my sides as I fight back the urge to punch the first wall I come into contact with.

She braces herself, crossing her arms over her chest. “New York,” she answers.

“How?” Stupid fucking question. “I thought…I thought you said…you said you were on birth control.”

She shrugged. “After you left, I missed a doctor’s appointment for my next shot.” She shrugged as if she forgot to buy eggs on the way home. As if she missed some small insignificant detail and not one that will forever change not only our lives, but the life of a child who’s bound to grow up hating their father.

Rage begins to build inside me. How could I have been so careless? I look around. Searching for something, anything to stop this drowning feeling left inside.

It’s the slamming of a car door that brings my attention back to Elyssa who’s cautiously approaching me.

I panic. Stepping back I hold my hand up in front of me. She can’t come any closer. I’ve already ruined her. She just doesn’t know what’s next. I’ll hurt her. I’ll hurt the baby. That can’t happen. I can’t live with that.

“I…I-I…uh…fuck…” I turn around looking around the vacant parking lot. “I gotta…think…I need to…” I look around for a sign. Something to tell me what I should do. “Fuck, I need a minute.” My eyes settle on the SUV.

I don’t even realize I’m walking away until I’m next to the truck, pulling the door open and jumping inside before slamming the door behind me.

I drop the keys on the floor. My fingers fumble as my hands tremble in search of the keys.

Fuck me. I shove the key into the ignition and back out of the spot. I look in the rearview mirror and watch Elyssa as she covers her face with her hands. Her shoulders bounce with what could only be sobs as I disappointingly drive away.

This is for the best. Without me in her life, she and the baby will be happy. If my Dad only left sooner, I would have been fine. Without my Dad I would have had a normal introduction to sex, a normal childhood, and a chance.

I stop, pulling over on the side of the road before dropping my forehead to the steering wheel. What am I doing?
I slow my breath, closing my eyes as I try to reign in the overwhelming fear I’m feeling. Fight or flight. I keep repeating. Fight or flight.

This is it. My chance. I either fight for her or I leave her alone.

As my breathing calms I try to imagine a world without Elyssa. Impossible. Then I imagine a life with our family.
Elyssa rocking our baby and then falling asleep with both of them nestled against me, the mere thought of having a part of her forever.

I know my answer. It was never a choice. I just had to get out of my own head.

I want her. All of her.

Fight.

I turn the truck around, accelerating back to the parking lot. My eyes scan the parking lot. I park and jump out of the truck and I find her sitting on the curb. Fuck. I messed up again.

I cautiously approach her, quickly realizing her cries have masked my approach. She must be freezing. All I want is to pull her into my arms, warm her, promise her forever.

She’s still crying into her hands. I can’t stand it. Knowing that I caused her this pain; that my fucked up head caused her to think I ran away from her when I was really trying to run away from myself.

I pull at her hands as I kneel in front of her. She startles, but relaxes as her tear filled eyes meet mine. I can’t stand seeing her like this and knowing I’m the cause. Standing, I pull her up and lift her in my arms. I can’t do this here with her. I need her alone. I need her bare. I need to feel all of her to know that this will be fine in the end.

I nestle her against me as I wrestle with the key. Somehow I manage to get us inside the room without dropping her. I set her on the bed, her soft eyes looking up at me waiting for my next move. She almost looks scared. As if I’m going to leave her again.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do to explain myself. I don’t even understand my own fucked up head let alone know how to explain it to her. What am I supposed to say? Yah,
I’m an asshole. Yes, I left you in the parking lot after you told me you were pregnant. Yes, I’m scared. No…terrified. I’ve never been this scared before. I love you so much. I just don’t want to ruin this.

Instead of speaking, I reach down and pull off her boots before lifting her sweater and pulling off her skirt. The need to feel her, all of her, overwhelms me. I drop to my knees. I want to beg for forgiveness, but I don’t even know where to start. Instead I rest my head in her lap, waiting for either her rejection or her acceptance.

When I realize she’s not pulling away, and instead doing the exact opposite, I relax into her body and wrap my arms around her. My Hart, I sigh, reaching around her to pull her even closer. It still doesn’t feel close enough. I need her closer.

Parting her knees I push closer, resting my forehead against her stomach.
“I’m sorry, Hart.” I press my lips against her bare stomach, apologizing to our unborn child. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know…I don’t know what to do.” I can feel my control slipping so I tighten my hold on her. She’s like my anchor, saving me from myself.

Her reaction is unreadable until I feel her fingers as she runs her hands through my hair.

“I’m scared, Hart. What if I…” I shake my head as I look away from her.

“I’m scared too, Alex. I’ve been dealing with this for weeks and…” Weeks? She’s known about this for weeks and was alone.

“Weeks?” God, I’m sorry.

“I’ve known since Thanksgiving.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I look up at her. I know the answer. Because I thought you’d leave me in a parking lot. “Were you even going to tell me?”

Fuck me. What if she planned on getting rid of the baby? What if she planned on pretending like it never happened? Like we never happened?

“Maybe ‘cause I didn’t want you to take it badly? I dunno, maybe ‘cause I didn’t want to get stranded in a parking lot?” I cringe. Hopefully I have a more uplifting story to tell our kid than, “Your Mom told me she was pregnant and I stranded her in a parking lot until I pulled my head out of my ass.”

“I wanted to tell you…everyday Alex. I just didn’t know how.” I nod my understanding. I can’t imagine what she’s been dealing with.

All I know is that I’m going to make it up to her starting this very moment.
I’m going to love her and this baby and protect them with my life. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I can do this. I have to do this. No one else is going to take care of my baby.

“Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

“It’s too soon to tell.” She chuckles as she continues to play with my hair.
But she plans on finding out, right?

I look up at her, hoping she answers my unspoken question. My eyes search hers, but find no answers, so I’m forced to ask. “Do you plan on keeping it?”

“Of course.” Her unwavering answer soothes me, but only briefly before my head becomes clouded with doubt again. None of my doubt involves her of course, she’s perfect. All my doubt revolves around me.

“What if I’m just like him?”

“Like who?”

“Like my Dad. What if I do horrible things that end up fucking up our kid for the rest of their life? God, what if this is just some fucked up cycle?”

“Alex.” Her voice is soft as she pushes back, taking my face between her hands. “No matter what, you’d protect me, right?”

I nod. I’d give everything to know she was safe and happy.

“And you still love me despite the weeks upon weeks of hell I’ve put you through?”
I nod again. I almost gave up on the hope that we’d be together again. Despite the constant ache inside and ignoring every sign she threw my way that she still wanted me, she continued to push me away every chance she got, breaking me over and over again. But all of it was worth it. Worth it to end up here…with her…right now.

“Then it wouldn’t be any different with our LJ.”

“LJ?” I look up at her.
With a glance towards her belly, she gives me a breathtaking smile that instantly makes me want to shed my clothes and bury myself inside her.

“Little James. I call him or her that since it’s a too early to tell.”

“LJ…I like it. It’s better than calling our baby ‘it’ or ‘the baby’.”

“Well, that and I figured your genes are probably as stubborn as you are, which will mean the baby will be mostly you.” She chuckles. I frown again. Mostly me. I don’t want the baby to be anything like me. I want her. All of her. I want a girl who’s as beautiful as she is. Who loves as fierce as she does. Who looks at me as if I can do anything and makes me feel ten feet tall. Who’s as smart and caring as her Mom. I wouldn’t want to pass any of me to our kid.

“Everything will be fine Alex, you just need to have some faith.”

“I’ll try, Elyssa. I don’t want to fuck this up. You or LJ.” I sigh. “I have to make this right.”

“I know you will.” I feel her lips brush against my hair as I pull her tighter against me. “We’ll do this together.”

For the first time in my life, I actually have something to look forward to.

Now on Kindle, you can read the next installment to The Hart Series and find out what happens with Elyssa and Alex.

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