Peter Derk's Blog

Apparently Goodreads will not allow non-Goodreads links in comments. I guess this is because they would probably be almost entirely links for things that nobody wants.

Which isn't to say that people are rushing to read what I offer, but ONE PERSON has indeed requested this link.

Jason, here you go:
https://helpfulsnowman.substack.com/p...

I promise I'm very pleasant in real life and not normally this much of a maniac.

That's right, you can read your favorite author on Hoopla! And then when you're finished, you can read my books as well!

It's July 31st, and if you haven't used your Hoopla borrows at the end of the month, why not take a couple clicks and check out one of mine? It doesn't cost you a thing, throws a few cents my way, and really sticks it to that library that pays a miniscule amount to let someone read my stuff. Take that, you stuffy nerds!

The Heist-est Heist Ever Heisted on Hoopla

Dear Runaway on Hoopla

Ghost Dick on Hoopla

You might be saying, Pete, it's been a minute since you wrote a new book.

Shut up! Shut up, I say to that!

However, I HAVE been writing a serialized novel, Of sorts. And you can read it right now!

It's Batman & Robin: The Re-Novelization!

That's right, I am taking the novelization of the hit...passable...existing film Batman and Robin and rewriting it so that the novelization reflects more of the, er, qualities of the movie.

You can read Parts 1 - 25 now, and new parts come out weekly. Ish.

If you like the nonsense I do, you'll probably enjoy this. Just, you know, please don't tell anyone at DC comics.

https://helpfulsnowman.substack.com/

We regret to inform you that the author, Pete, has passed from this plane.

Archivos has been cursed with selling Pete's remaining stock.

Please hear his plea.

For the first time ever today, I took down one of my reviews on someone else's book.

Long story.

If you'd like to read about it, you can do so here

In addition to being a mediocre author, I'm a mediocre podcaster, and I had the pleasure of interviewing the very-not-mediocre JEFF STRAND!

helpfulsnowman.com/jeff-strand

This is the best episode 489b a guy could ask for.

We cover some of Jeff’s books, his writing philosophies, a couple movies, and I, for one, had a blast. I would say Jeff had a moderately good time, but that’s just because I have low self-esteem and assume an hour with me is nobody’s ideal activity.

Catch up with Jeff at his website: jeffstrand.com
Subscribe to his newsletter: jeffstrand.us11.list-manage.com/subscribe…f6ab9a3a6
Twitter: twitter.com/jeffstrand
Instagram: www.instagram.com/jeffstrandauthor/
Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/author/show/207708....
Facebook: www.facebook.com/JeffStrandAuthor
Facebook Fan Page: www.facebook.com/JeffStrandAuthorFanPage

Jeff recommends a couple of his titles for newbies interested after listening to this episode:

One is Demonic, Jeff’s latest, which brings us a fella named Corey, who is in love with Quinn. Only problem: Quinn is married TO A SERIAL KILLER KNOWN AS THE TOLEDO TRASHER.
www.amazon.com/Demonic-Jeff-Stra…ook/...

The other: Wolf Hunt, a book about a couple of guys hired to drive across Florida and deliver a man in a box. Or, at least, someone who appears to be a man at first…
www.amazon.com/Wolf-Hunt-Jeff-St…ook/...

I have 9 copies each of The Heist-est Heist Ever Heisted and Read a Poem, Eat a Donut, and I'm giving them away, free, shipped to you, free, personalized, free.
I'm putting this up everywhere, so they might go fast, they might never go. Who knows? How am I supposed to know that? What am I, a future predictor? Is the future now a sentient being that has a mind that can be read? That seems to go very much against everything I've learned about time travel.
DM me on this platform to get yours.
One book per person, please, tell me which you want.
Also, I'm not shipping shit to Australia if it's gonna cost me like $40 bucks. If you're somewhere it's expensive to ship to, outside the US, DM me for a digital copy. That's the best I can do for you. I'm sorry, nothing personal. I very much enjoy your flags.

How convenient for you that you can!

Over the course of 4 podcasts I read the entire thing, and now you can listen to it (and then rate and review it here on Goodreads or on Amazon because that would help me out a lot).

Here are the links to the 4 episodes. It's not like a totally perfect audiobook, you'll have to take breaks for theme songs and whatnot, but for free? It's pretty solid.

Part 1: https://www.helpfulsnowman.com/?p=10752

Part 2: https://www.helpfulsnowman.com/?p=10776

Part 3: https://www.helpfulsnowman.com/?p=10779

Part 4: https://www.helpfulsnowman.com/?p=10803

It Is My Birthday. Which means a bunch of my books are free today.

If you've enjoyed a book or a review, tell you what, throw me a review today. I guess it'd be wrong of me to say you should just give me a review even if you haven't read the book. I guess that would be wrong. Against the Goodreads gods, which are really Amazon. I guess it'd be wrong for me to tell you to defy the almighty Amazon.

I guess I'm setting this up in such a way that throwing me a review is a Fuck You to Amazon. Look how clever I am! Easily three stars clever.

This weekend is Mother's Day. If you are like me, you never know what to get your mom for Mother's Day. If she tells you she wants something, it'll be some bullshit like a vacuum. I'm not buying my mom a vacuum! She can buy her own chores-y shit. If my mom wants a Nerf gun, sure, yes, I'm in. A parachute? Uh, I guess. Little nervous, but what the hell. But a vacuum? Hell to the no.

And if your mom doesn't tell you what she wants, you just have to get her SOMETHING because, I mean, what, you don't give a crap about your mom? That's lousy, man. You know all the other moms will be talking up the stuff their kids got for them, and your mom will be sitting there like a single lady on Valentine's, crying into a bouquet of flowers she bought herself, pretending her eyes are all puffy and shit because she's allergic. But she's not allergic to flowers, fool, she's allergic to not being loved!

All this to say you COULD give your mom one of my books, FREE. Or a bunch of them. Because this weekend, they're all free, all the newest shit.

Let's break this down real quick so you can pick the best option for your mamma jamma:

Harold's Coming: This is the story about a magic Where's Waldo book that acts as a marital aid. Hey, I don't know, maybe your mom is a freak in the bedroom. And maybe you know that for some reason. I really have no problem with moms who like to get down (my internet history proves this to an extreme degree), but it's a little weird to talk to your kids about.

Misogynsit Baby: A great picture book for moms out there who want to crush the patriarchy? Smash it? I don't know which word everyone is using, but whatever, you get the drift.

A Letter on a Letter: Is your mom really interested in a discussion of intellectual freedom? I know mine isn't! But my mom isn't everyone's mom. If that were true, all of my relationships would be very problematic.

The Heist-Est Heist Ever Heisted: A Heist Story of a Heist: Special Editor's Edition: Your mom loves Ocean's 11, right? Maybe she's into George Clooney, or Matt Damon, or Elliott Gould. That movie's got a guy for everyone. I'm told the "11" in the title stands for your mom's two erect nipples. Anyway, this is also a story of a heist, but it features vomit and poop. So again, if mom is freaky...

My Mother's Silver Bowl: Oh, this is a mom thing! Just in time for mother's day! How exciting. This short lil story is about a lady who melts her face off and then makes a career out of it. Eh?

Look, get yourself a book this weekend, get one for a mom, get one for a friend. Whatever, I don't care.

Oh, but don't get one for your spouse. I'm against parents celebrating mother's/father's day with each other. You already have a birthday and an anniversary. Isn't that quite enough? Give it a rest, be an adult. Although, if you have a baby mama/papa who's out of the picture, send them one of these books. It will be baffling and confusing, and only vaguely threatening in a non-actionable way.

Starting Saturday, free shit. All I ask in exchange is that you provide a fair review and that you say it's a fair review provided in exchange for a copy. Unless it's a lousy review, like 2 stars or less. Then you probably don't need that disclaimer, right? I'll assume you weren't provided a free copy of a book and then were coerced into giving a shitty review to a book you enjoyed. A shitty review is almost always honest, right?