Kory Floyd's Blog

  The church I grew up in had a strange habit: Whenever a prospective new convert was introduced, members would virtually smother that person with affection. They would say repeatedly how much they love the person and would shower him or her with gifts, favors, and other tokens of affection that most of us reserve for people we know well. All of this was done to make the new person feel welcomed and part of the family…and it continued unabated as long as the prospective convert showed interest

 Men may not be from Mars, but their ways of showing affection are different from women’s. Both approaches—men’s and women’s—have value in close relationships. Specifically, men are less likely than women to verbalize their affection. Study after study finds that men’s average scores for verbal affection are significantly lower than women’s, at least among Americans. Men are simply less prone to expressing their affection for others with words, either written or spoken. That’s especially true

 The next time you plant a kiss on your sweetheart, you may be improving your health in the process. The science of smooching tells us that we benefit from puckering up. People in most cultures kiss as a way to share affection with romantic partners, children, and other loved ones. Although kissing can be physiologically arousing, it may also reduce stress, leading to improvements in health conditions that are aggravated by stress. For example, Japanese allergist Dr. Hajime Kimata noticed that

 We’ve all known someone we’d characterize as highly affectionate. Indeed, many of us—myself included—would describe ourselves that way. That doesn’t mean we are affectionate with every person or in every situation, but in the right time and place, we are inclined to express our feelings of love and fondness for others. Some of us grew up in touchy-feely families, whereas others of us acquired our affectionate nature in adulthood. Regardless, however, research shows that we share several[image error]

  Many of us have had the frustrating experience of being in the middle of a conversation with someone, only to have that person answer a phone call or respond to a text. It can be discouraging to feel like you’re competing with a cell phone for someone’s attention…and losing. New research shows, however, that a mobile device doesn’t even have to be ringing or buzzing to ruin your conversation. Suppose you sit down with a friend for some coffee and a visit, and he places his cell phone on the

 At a time when many of us resolve to lose weight, save more money, and live a more disciplined life in the new year, it is helpful to take stock of what’s most important to many of us: our relationships. You can improve your own relationship in the coming year by taking a page from the playbook of relationship science. Here are some Relationship Resolutions that may prove helpful in your own life: 1.  Play together. There is science behind the adage that “Couples who play together, stay

The church I grew up in had a strange habit: Whenever a prospective new convert was introduced, members would virtually smother that person with affection. They would say repeatedly how much they love the person and would shower him or her with gifts, favors, and other tokens of affection that most of us reserve for people we know well. All of this was done to make the new person feel welcomed and part of the family…and it continued unabated as long as the prospective convert showed interest in joining the church. If the person decided this wasn’t the right church for him or her, however, all the love and affection disappeared as quickly as it had started.

It wasn’t until I became a social scientist that I discovered the name for this practice: love bombing. It’s most commonly observed in religious organizations, especially cults, who use the behavior to attract and retain new members. By showering people with attention and affection, love bombing feeds the need to belong—our deep and abiding need for social inclusion. It’s a deceptive, manipulative practice, given that the “love” is always contingent on the recipient’s decision to commit to the organization. Nonetheless, it can be powerfully persuasive, because few of us enjoy rejecting love and attention from others.

Love bombing is an extreme example of something that turns out to be relatively common—something I call “toxic affection.” If affection is the expression of love and fondness, then toxic affection is any such expression that has an ulterior motive. Perhaps I say I love you because I really do, and I want you to know that. Or, perhaps I say it only because I want to sleep with you, want to borrow money from you, or just want you to say it back to me. Using affection as a form of persuasion is often successful for the same reason that love bombing is: we want and need to be loved.

A few years ago, I surveyed a thousand college undergraduates from around the country to see how common this behavior was. I asked the students if they had ever expressed affection to someone when they didn’t really feel it, but had an ulterior motive; and, if so, what their motive was. Nearly 90% of the participants said they had used affection in a persuasive or manipulative way—and of those, more than have had done so at least once within the previous month. There were no effects of sex, ethnicity, or marital status on the tendency to use affection in this manner.

The participants identified a variety of motives for their behavior. Some were relationship-centered motives, such as sustaining a relationship or avoiding conflict. Others were recipient-centered motives, such as expressing sympathy or avoiding hurt feelings. Many, however, expressed self-centered motives, such as eliciting money, sexual access, instrumental help, or forgiveness for a past indiscretion.

These uses of affection differ from love bombing only in degree, not in kind. Toxic affection is so named because it harms recipients by taking advantage of their need for inclusion without actually offering inclusion. When exposed, it erodes trust in the provider and confidence in the relationship. Unfortunately, toxic affection is observed most frequently in those relationships that should inspire trust, such as with close friends and loved ones or in a community of worship.

We’ve all known someone we’d characterize as highly affectionate. Indeed, many of us—myself included—would describe ourselves that way. That doesn’t mean we are affectionate with every person or in every situation, but in the right time and place, we are inclined to express our feelings of love and fondness for others. Some of us grew up in touchy-feely families, whereas others of us acquired our affectionate nature in adulthood. Regardless, however, research shows that we share several characteristics that distinguish us from our less-affectionate counterparts.

As a group, highly affectionate people:

1. Are happier and have higher self-esteem.
2. Experience less susceptibility to depression.
3. Have lower average blood sugar and lower resting blood pressure.
4. Are more comfortable with closeness and less fearful of intimacy.
5. Have healthier 24-hour cortisol rhythms (which aid the stress response).
6. Are less likely to experience loneliness and social isolation.
7. Have more positive body images.
8. Are more likely to be in romantic relationships (and are more satisfied in those relationships).
9. Have more effective natural killer cells in their immune systems.
10. Recover more quickly from stressful experiences.
Most of these results are correlational, which means we can’t conclude that being affectionate necessarily causes these outcomes. Perhaps it does, but perhaps being affectionate and being physically and mentally healthy are both the products of some other factor. Nonetheless, it’s clear that highly affectionate people enjoy some advantages. They’re also more vulnerable to certain risks—tune in to my next posting for a discussion of the “dark side” of affection.

Men may not be from Mars, but their ways of showing affection are different from women���s. Both approaches���men���s and women���s���have value in close relationships.

Specifically, men are less likely than women to verbalize their affection. Study after study finds that men���s average scores for verbal affection are significantly lower than women���s, at least among Americans. Men are simply less prone to expressing their affection for others with words, either written or spoken.

That���s especially true when guys are communicating with other guys. According to research, men are much less affectionate���verbally or otherwise���with each other than they are with women. A typical male-male friendship is far less affectionate than a typical female-female friendship���and that���s true even if the two friendships report identical levels of closeness. A couple of factors qualify this sex difference. First, men are more affectionate with male relatives, such as fathers and brothers, than they are with male friends���even if they feel closer to the friends. Second, gay men are more affectionate with their platonic male friends than straight men are.

None of this means that men aren���t affectionate, however. They simply have a subtler way of demonstrating it than women do.

Research from my lab has shown that men are more likely to express their affection through supportive behaviors than through direct verbal statements (e.g., ���I love you���) or nonverbal gestures (e.g., hugging, hand holding). That���s particularly true in their relationships with other men, but it���s also true in their relationships with women. With his guy friends, a typical man is more likely to show his affection by bringing the chips and beer for sports night or helping with a roof repair than by saying ���I love you.��� With women, he���s is more likely to help with a task that needs doing, such cleaning out your gutters or rotating your tires, than he is to send a Hallmark card.

Not everyone fits this profile, of course. Many men���whether gay or straight���are very expressive of their affection. And many women are not. These findings (like those of all social science research) tell us only what is true for most people in most circumstances.

That caveat aside, there���s a lesson here.

In my work, the question I get asked most often is ���How can I get my husband/boyfriend/father to be more affectionate with me?��� One answer to that question is: Look for his affectionate behaviors that you aren���t noticing yet. If washing your car is one of his ways of expressing affection to you, then it���s more productive to recognize and appreciate that expression than to bemoan the fact that he doesn���t like to hold hands. That doesn���t mean you can���t encourage more direct expressions of affection (and many men are open to those). It simply means understanding that for men, affection is more in the doing than in the saying.

Men may not be from Mars, but their ways of showing affection are different from women’s. Both approaches—men’s and women’s—have value in close relationships.

Specifically, men are less likely than women to verbalize their affection. Study after study finds that men’s average scores for verbal affection are significantly lower than women’s, at least among Americans. Men are simply less prone to expressing their affection for others with words, either written or spoken.

That’s especially true when guys are communicating with other guys. According to research, men are much less affectionate—verbally or otherwise—with each other than they are with women. A typical male-male friendship is far less affectionate than a typical female-female friendship—and that’s true even if the two friendships report identical levels of closeness. A couple of factors qualify this sex difference. First, men are more affectionate with male relatives, such as fathers and brothers, than they are with male friends…even if they feel closer to the friends. Second, gay men are more affectionate with their platonic male friends than straight men are.

None of this means that men aren’t affectionate, however. They simply have a subtler way of demonstrating it than women do.

Research from my lab has shown that men are more likely to express their affection through supportive behaviors than through direct verbal statements (e.g., “I love you”) or nonverbal gestures (e.g., hugging, hand holding). That’s particularly true in their relationships with other men, but it’s also true in their relationships with women. With his guy friends, a typical man is more likely to show his affection by bringing the chips and beer for sports night or helping with a roof repair than by saying “I love you.” With women, he’s is more likely to help with a task that needs doing, such cleaning out your gutters or rotating your tires, than he is to send a Hallmark card.

Not everyone fits this profile, of course. Many men—whether gay or straight—are very expressive of their affection. And many women are not. These findings (like those of all social science research) tell us only what is true for most people in most circumstances.

That caveat aside, there’s a lesson here.

In my work, the question I get asked most often is “How can I get my husband/boyfriend/father to be more affectionate with me?” One answer to that question is: Look for his affectionate behaviors that you aren’t noticing yet. If washing your car is one of his ways of expressing affection to you, then it’s more productive to recognize and appreciate that expression than to bemoan the fact that he doesn’t like to hold hands. That doesn’t mean you can’t encourage more direct expressions of affection (and many men are open to those). It simply means understanding that for men, affection is more in the doing than in the saying.