Zané Sachs's Blog

Get Ready to be Dumped

Sadie the Sadist knows all about competing with robots and automated systems in the workplace ... 

Your New CoworkerSadie's advice: transform before you lose your job! 

Don't believe her?

Check out this article from The Washington Post:
The Brave New World of Robots and Lost Jobs

And this story on MSNBC: 
How Robots Will Impact Jobs in the Near Future


Normally, Sadie advises killing pesky coworkers, but these come with a warranty and they're replaceable (like you) ... You're best course of action is to upload your brain into a robot body. Ultimately, Sadie intends to become a robot cat.

Sadie as a Robot Cat

5 Question Interview with Heiner Eden

Heiner Eden, Looking for Escape Route

So … Heiner, thanks for showing up on Zané’s blog. (Of course, you don't have much choice, since I'm holding you captive.) Zané doesn’t speak much German, so she sent me to ask you fünf Fragen (5 Questions).

BTW, Ich spreche kein Deutsch, so I’ll be using Google Übersetzer (Google Translate).
This Pulpcore Anthology of yours looks im Arsch (does im Arsh really mean fucked up?) Eighteen sick stories by eighteen twisted writers (including Blauer Engel by Zané Sachs), and the anthology is FREI (FREE)! Genial! (Awesome!)
Really Sick Stories
DOWNLOAD  IT: HERE   HIER HERUNTERLADEN
You’ve got to be shitting me, Heiner. Does Herunterladen mean download , or is that really some deviant sexual act?
You can answer, oder treffen Sie mich später (meet me later), but offiziell (officially) that’s not your first question. Okay, hier gehen wirhere (Okay, here we go).
SADIE: Frage Nummer eins (Question #1): Okay, you live in Germany, so you decided to publish Pulpcore in Deutsch. But, isn’t that selfish? Why not publish in Yupik? A lot of readers in Siberia and Western Alaska are going to be sadly disappointed. Was zum Teufel?
Note: How can was zum Teufelmean what the fuck, when im Arsch means fucked up? Fick Dich (fuck you) , Google Translate.
HEINER: Ich muss zu meiner Schande gestehen, dass ich bis vor zehn Minuten keine Ahnung hatte, was Yupik überhaupt bedeutet. (I must confess to my shame that I had no idea until ten minutes, which means Yupik ever.)
SADIE: “Which means Yupik ever?” Really Google Translate? My German sucks, but I think Heiner is trying to say that he never heard of Yapik until ten minutes ago. A sad commentary on the state of post-Brexit Europe (where half the people in the UK Googled the EU after voting to get out of it—kinda like disgruntled teenagers slitting their own wrists and then wondering why they’re bleeding)—
Sadie Says: Use a Chainsaw… and an indication of why a fick dick like Donald Trump is running for U.S. President. I doubt “The Donald” considers Alaska a state, and I’m pretty sure he lumps native Alaskans in with foreigners. Anyway … back to Yupik—  
HEINER: Aber nun, da ich mich schlau gemacht habe (but now that I have made smart) vielen Dank, www.alaskool.org).
SADIE: Thanks, Heiner, a most informative site. Come to think of it, Alaska must be a great place to store bodies, especially in winter.
HEINER: "Es ist Zeit, Robbenspeck zu holen!", oder "Uqicitaaryarnariuq!", wie wir es in Yupik sagen.(It's time to bring seal blubber!) or Uqicitaaryarnariuq! (As we say it in Yupik). Would you loosen these handcuffs.
SADIE: NO! But, I'm in agreement with you, regarding blubber. I’m sure it's terrific for frying. Currently, I’m working on a recipe that features deep-fried politicians instead of turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, which may explain Trump’s popularity in Alaska and the importance of offering a Yupik edition of Pulpcore.   
HEINER: Ja. Steht eine Yupik-Version von pulpcore natürlich ganz oben auf meiner To-Do-Liste. Wer weiß, vielleicht ist das genau die Marktlücke, nach der ich schon mein ganzes Leben lang gesucht habe.
SADIE: I’m glad to hear a Yupik version of Pulpcore is on the top of your to-do list, and that it’s exactly the niche you’ve been longing for all of your life.
That brings me to Frage Nummer zwei (Question #2): What is the common thread between these stories? Süße Romantik? Tiere? Selbsthilfe? (Sweet romance? Animals? Self-help?) Or … Blut und Verstümmelung,Perversion, und Psychokiller? (Blood, gore and mayhem, perversion, and psycho killers?)
HEINER: Glaub es oder nicht, Sadie, alle Stories auf pulpcore sind in ihrem Kern romantisch durch und durch.
SADIE: No kidding? All the stories are romantic? Do you find this a romantic setting?
Sadie's Living RoomHEINER: Klar. Very romantic, Sadie. Manchmal versteckt sich die Romantik hinter einer Wand aus Nebel an düsteren, unheimlichen Orten; manchmal in fernen Galaxien, weit, weit weg von zuhause; manchmal (okay, meistens) unter einem Berg aus Blut, Eingeweiden und abgetrennten Gliedmaßen.
SADIE: For my readers who don’t sprechen German, Heiner says, "Sure, sometimes the romance hidden behind a wall of dark mist, eerie places, distant galaxies. Sometimes (okay, mostly) under mountains of blood, guts and severed limbs." 
That's my kind of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: Aber die Romantik ist immer da, irgendwo, sonst würde ich die Stories nicht auf pulpcore veröffentlichen. 
In other words, without romance, I wouldn’t publish the stories. And if you're honest, Sadie, you have to admit that you're a hopeless romantic yourself. Am I right? Bitte vergib mir diese schmalzige Anmache (Please forgive me for this corny pickup line.)
SADIE: I love corny pick-ups, Heiner--especially when they're on the cob.
Frage Nummer  drei (Question #3): How did you discover these Mutter Fall (nut-case) writers? Tell me about these weirdos (weirdos).
HEINER: Die Autoren, die ich bisher via pulpcore kennenlernen durfte, sind gar keine "weirdos", sondern ganz normale Typen wie du und ich
SADIE: You’re telling me the authors aren’t weirdos? Just ordinary guys like you and me? First of all, in case you have noticed, I’m not a guy, Heiner.
HEINER: Warum Entpacken Sie Ihre Hosen?
SADIE: I’m unzipping my pants to prove a point—
HEINER: Okay, vielleicht bist du jetzt nicht gerade das beste Beispiel für ganz normal.
SADIE: What did you say?
HEINER: I said, maybe you're not the best example of normal.
SADIE: Like you are?
HEINER: Sie sind allesamt sehr nett und komplett entspannt. Was überrascht, wenn man sich ihre Stories auf pulpcore durchliest. Denn die sind zutiefst verstörend und oft so triefend böse, dass ihre Verfasser eigentlich ins Gefängnis oder ins Irrenhaus gehören.
SADIE: I don’t know was zum Teufel (what the fuck) you just said, so I used Google Translate:
“The writers are all very nice and completely relaxed.” (Yeah, right.) “What surprised when their stories by reading to Pulpcore. Because they are deeply disturbing and often so dripping angry that their authors actually belong in prison or the madhouse.”
You’ve got one perverted sense of romance, Heiner.
HEINER: No comment.
SADIE: Frage Nummer vier (Question #4): You speak ficken good Englisch (English).
In fact, you translated that novel by Zané Sachs (based on my life) Sadie the Sadist X-trem schwarzer Humor+Horror into Deutsche (German). I guess Google Translate really came in handy, didn’t it?

HEINER: NEIN, bitch!
SADIE: No need to yell. So, did you translate a lot of these stories from another language?HEINER:  Erst einmal danke fürs Kompliment.
SADIE: You’re welcome.
HEINER: Ich habe sämtliche Stories auf pulpcore aus dem Englischen ins Deutsche übersetzt.
SADIE: According to Google Translate, you just said: I have all stories on pulpcore translated from English into German … so, I can’t tell if you actually translated them. Do you even speak English … or do you use Google Translate for everything?
HEINER:Eigentlich bin ich technischer Übersetzer von Beruf, was wirklich so langweilig ist, wie es sich anhört. Deshalb wollte ich zu meiner wahren Leidenschaft wechseln - der Genre-Literatur.
SADIE: (Using Google Translate), you said: Actually, I'm a technical translator by profession, what is really as boring as it sounds. So I wanted to go to my true passion—the genre literature.
I get that translating horror and sci-fi stories (or romance, as you call it) is more interesting than technical writing, but what do you do for fun?
HEINER:  Well, my true passion is to lie on the sofa and watch old episodes of Twilight Zone, but that pays less than my translator job. (Although, I have to admit, translating genre literature doesn’t bring in much more money than hanging out on the sofa.) But I prefer translating stories about things like "body parts and guts, bits of bone and bloody puddles " to "Blade No.14 can be fabricated integrally with Hub No. 12.” Don’t you agree?
SADIE: You are one sick puppy, admit it. And that brings me to:
Frage Nummer fünf (Question #5): If you could commit any verbrechen oder perverse acto (crime or perverse act) ohne erwischt zu werden oder bestraft (without getting caught or being punished) was würden Sie tun?  (What would you do?)
Note: READERS, what would you do?
HEINER: Mal sehen. Kennst du die Szene aus Stephen King's, The Stand, wo der Typ auf das Schlagmal im Yankee-Stadion masturbiert?
SADIE: Stephen King and masturbation … two of my favorite subjects.
HEINER: So etwas in der Art könnte ich mir vorstellen. Vielleicht würde ich auch nur auf den Rasen pinkeln.
SADIE: I think you said, maybe you would masturbate and pee on Yankee Stadium?
HEINER: Ich bin nicht gerade deviant und ziemlich schüchtern in dieser Hinsicht. Aber wo wir schon einmal dabei sind, Sadie. Zum Schluss verrate ich dir mein liebstes (deutsches) Synonym für die männliche Selbstbefriedigung: sich einen von der Palme wedeln. Choke on that, Google Translator!
SADIE: Okay … I used Google Translate, but I really understand is: You’re not shy, and you like to “wag one of the palm.” And, yeah, I think Google Translate is choking.
This has been an enlightening interview.
Thanks for stopping by today, Heiner. I'll loosen those handcuffs now. Sie sind ein tapferer Mann!
And for the rest of you, pick up your FREE COPY of Pulpcore!

If you're like me, no doubt you're thinking ... here it comes again, the dreaded Holiday Season. 
Fa-la-la-la-la-la F That! 
Gathering of Psychopaths

Sadie the Sadist is here to tell you how to make the most of all those pesky relatives and knock some check marks off your list.
There's a reason they're called BLOOD relatives, so re-frame your thinking: Instead of giving those annoying asshats gifts (spending your hard-earned money and waiting for no thanks), after reading this article, chance are you'll look forward to family gatherings. 
Ideas from Sadie the Sadist to Jumpstart YOUR Creativity
Aunt Betty: Maybe your aunt isn't named Betty, but we all know the type--not only is she opinionated, but she sticks her nose into everybody's business. Basically, Betty is a gossip and a snoop.
The perfect gift for Betty ... (Hint: big mouths have lots of teeth) You got it, Ivory. Sure, elephants are an endangered species, and anyone who takes their tusks deserves to be drawn and quartered or thrown into a vat of boiling oil, but Aunt Betties abound, providing a prolific and cheap source of ivory. 
Note: If you use violence to knock out Aunt Betty, stay clear of her head; you don't want to damage the merchandise. I recommend using the method Oral surgeons use for impacted Wisdom teeth: knock her out with drugs before extraction.
While you're inside the old broad's pie hole (cock pocket, gob, skull cave) yank out her tongue. (Correctly prepared, tongue is tender and tasty.)

A Lovely Necklace
Cousin Dick: Maybe you don't see Dick very often, but when you do he leaves a big impression. If Dick doesn't have you cornered in the kitchen, he's down the hall patrolling the bathroom, or even worse, playing hide-and-seek with the kiddos. Dick is never gonna change, but he makes a handy-dandy purse for all his cash. 
Guilded for the Holidays
Sister Selfie: Plain annoying. Sister Selfie can't be parted from her phone, and the camera's glued to her duck face, capturing every moment of her useless existence. The world will thank you for saving us from endless Facebook posts when you kill her.
R.I.P.

HAPPY HORRORDAZE!!!

****************************

Happy Halloweenie Heads I'm back!Did you miss me?  
I've been away ... internet access wasn't available. But they let me out for good behavior, just in time for my favorite holiday!
Halloweenie Head: Yum!
Easy Recipe
Ingredients:
1 head (Wimps can use styrofoam, but that crap destroys the environment; I prefer a natural, biodegradable skull)
Two strips of ham (or your favorite lunch meat) for lips
Two maraschino cherries (for bloodshot eyes)
Lots of teeny weenies (enough to cover the head) Store bought or the real thing ... you know which I prefer!
Lots of toothpicks: round, not those flimsy flat things. Note: if you're using a real skull, nails work better--double pointed metal barbs are best, but difficult to find (see note below)
Silver spray paint

Steps:
1) Set up the head, so it won't keel over. You may want to nail it to a board ... this can be a messy job. 
2) Prepare your weenies. Boiling makes them plump and fat, but roasting produces a lovely color and intensifies the flavor. 
3) If you're using toothpicks, spray them silver. Skip this step if you're using nails, but make sure they're stainless steel, rather than nasty aluminum which causes cancer ... depending on whom you're serving, of course. 
4) Secure the weenies to the head, taking care to place them in neat lines. Don't forget to leave room for the eyes and lips. Note If you're using metal barbs, you'll probably stab yourself several times ... not to worry! Blood lends dimension to your creation
5) Stick in the maraschino cherry eyes, unless you have something more authentic handy
6) Fold ham to create and lips and secure with broken toothpicks, so they're hidden. Note: I've tried using real lips, but they're sloppy
7) Invite over ghoulish guests and serve with mustard (Some guests may taste better with the addition of ketchup)
ENJOY!

Sadie's Ideal Family Vacation

Hungry for travel? Me too!

Half the planet is heading into summer, and the other half is looking to escape from winter, so now's the perfect time to travel. Get away from work and the daily grind, pack the kids and Grams into the car and take off on the open road ... plus travel offers other advantages you may not have considered. 

Check out Sadie's travel tips:

1. Choose the right destination

Anyone with a wad of cash can plan a vacation to Disneyworld--although the Mouse House offers an awesome selection of tender victims and rides present convenient opportunities for getting rid of that pesky family, security is tight and Disney is high profile, so when little Johnny takes a tumble from Space Mountain, you'll be faced with a nasty backlash of publicity, not to mention a barrage of questions from the police. 


Give Granny a Heart Attack on Space Mountain Roller CoasterWhy not consider a less populated destination? For example: the Mojave Desert, Central Park at night, anywhere in North Dakota.


Camping in the heart of NYC











Room to Run in the Mojave










2. Pack carefully

Don't waste space packing lots of clothes. You won't need them! Instead, make sure your suitcase contains these useful items: duct tape, meat cleaver, Pentobarbital (drug of choice for US executions). Optional: a gun. If you're out in the desert, coyotes will clean up for you, otherwise you may want a plastic tarp. Note: Tupperware is always handy, and I always pack a large cooler with lots of ice.


Don't Over Pack!
3. Get in, get out

Tempting as it may be to stick around and enjoy the aftermath of your little escapade, I advise you to leave the scene as quickly as possible. Thanks to the internet, you can keep tabs on all the action. Now's your chance to get away and enjoy a real vaca!

Robots Taking Over Now!
For anyone who doubts robots are on the verge of replacing you, here's the latest ROBOT NEWS:
Bionic reconstruction, developed by professor Oskar Aszmann in Vienna, allows patients to use a prosthetic hand controlled by brain impulses. (Read more about bionic reconstruction here.) 
Science is Fucking with Your NervesSadie Says: Anyone with half a brain can see this is the first step to all of us receiving mandatory implants from the government which will allow greedy corporations to control our every move from remote sites. This gives new meaning to impulse shopping. Next time you throw something into your cart, consider that your arm may be under the influence of a computer chip.
This Could Be Your HeadMore news for robotic body parts: Mechanical engineer, Mo Rastgaar, has developed a prosthetic ankle that can see where it's going, a prototype that provides a range of motion rivaling natural gait.
Sadie Says: This may sound like good news, but it's terrible news for those of us who like to goof off. Pretty soon corporations and governments will be planting eyeballs everywhere. Bad enough, you have to watch for cameras. What will it be like when your boss literally has eyeballs in the back of her head???

Sadie reveals the truth:
For most of us, romance leads to torture. So it’s no wonder that Valentine’s Day was named for a Christian martyr.
A Holiday for Martyrs
Back in 269 A. D. a priest named Valentine lived in Rome, and at that time (unless you were a masochist) Rome was not a great place to be Catholic.  Sawing: A Popular Roman Pastime
Most Romans were pagans, into partying, and orgies, and polygamy. Valentine was pushing for monogamy which pissed-off the Roman Emperor, Claudius—not only because Claudius had lots of girlfriends, boyfriends, and a slew of eunuchs, but because Romans believed single soldiers made better fighters. After all, married soldiers cared more about their families than some dumb war. Also, in my opinion, single soldiers were hornier and they took all that frustration and testosterone out on the enemy.

Romans Liked to PartyAnyway, priest Valentine ignored the emperor’s mandate about soldiers hooking up and secretly performed marriages. That really pissed off Emperor Claudius, so he ordered Valentine to be whacked. The priest was beaten, stoned, and finally decapitated. Those Romans knew entertainment, not to mention partying. They already had a mid-February fertility celebration called Lupercalia—an excuse for three days of running around naked, raucous sex, and overeating—so, years later when the Catholics took over Rome, fans of Valentine tacked his name onto that holiday.
Valentine Getting Whacked
Sadie’s V.D. Advice:
Don’t mope around waiting for some loser to give you a box of chocolates and flowers, take a tip from ancient Romans—go down to your local bar, whip it out, create a scene. V.D. means it's time to party! And remember, nothing raises the libido like severed body parts.

Stop staring at the mirror reflecting on the changes you intend to make to become a better, happier, more socially acceptable you. 

Does this list sound familiar?


Too fat. Too lazy. Spend too much money. 

Just Change the Year
All that crap your parents, friends, and your annoying boyfriend/girlfriend (note to self: dump his/her ass) are always pointing out.

Sadie Says: quit wasting your time with all that b.s. soul searching. Feeling guilt and shame, making resolutions that you know you'll break, only make you feel lousier. Right?



The key to happiness is going with the flow. Follow Sadie's example, and make a list of vows that you can keep! 


Sadie's Top 10 Resolutions
1. Bigger is better, so stuff yourself with Cheetos, pizza, and fried food.
2. Make a list of irritating people and invite them over for dinner. (Note: first make room in the freezer.) Then feast on steak till 2016.
3. Overspending is not a problem when you use otherpeople's credit cards.
4. It's easy to cut down on drinking. Switch to weed.
5. Help a nicotine addict by filling their cigarettes with gunpowder.
6. Get rid of the annoying boyfriend and invest in a good vibrator. (Guys, raw liver does the trick.)
7. Why look for another job? Just kill your boss. This will create an opening, and you'll be ready to jump in.
8. Instead of vowing to spend less time on social media, make it your business and take on multiple identities. Becoming a sock puppet allows you to scam people and leave bogus reviews.
9. Joining a gym really pays off when you case members in the locker room and follow them out into the parking lot. Working out at night is best.
10. Accept yourself just as you are. Attempting to change is a waste of time and energy, unless you score a prescription for Xanax or other fun drugs.

Sadie Busts Holiday MythsAs you may know, Sadie (known to many as Sadie the Sadist), is BIG on truth. Just in time for the horrordaze, our favorite psycho is here to dispel a few popular myths.
(Scroll to the end of this blog and enter to win killer prizes from 12 terrific indie authors including: a signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist ,  three ebooks of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag.)
1) Who the hell is Santa Claus?
should you trust this man?Sadie Says:  From my experience, SANTA IS A PEDOPHILE. Why else would an old man put up with sniveling kids sitting on his lap? As usual, the Catholic Church ignored that fact. They spun a story about this guy, Nicholas, a Bishop who lived in the fourth century (we all know what went on in those monasteries) and made him a saint.
2) What do the colors red and green have to do with Christmas?
authentic photo of a gladiatorSadie Says: GREEN has been part of winter celebrations FOREVER. Ancient Romans exchanged branches of evergreen in January, because in the dead of winter everyone was ready to commit suicide or hop into an arena with a gladiator. Back then they had no internet, no TV, not even electricity. RED symbolizes blood, duh. BTW, in ancient Rome a favorite method of suicide was to slit your wrists in the bath tub … just like my mommy did.
3) What's up with those dreidel things and Hanukkah?
what else can you do in the dark?Sadie Says: Most people associate menorahs and nine candles with Hanukkah, but in case you don’t know, a dreidel is a four sided spinning top with Hebrew letters inscribed on each side. Rabbis have tried to come up with explanations for the dreidel’s association with the holiday and many say the letters (nun, gimmel, hey, shin) stand for nes gadol haya sham, "a great miracle happened there." But the true story is: after the Jews drove the Greeks out of Jerusalem, they threw an orgy that lasted for eight nights and used dreidels like dice for gambling and playing spin the bottle. 

Win Killer Prizes
Including: A signed paperback copy of Sadie the Sadist, 3 ebook copies of Sadie's Guide to Catching Killers, and a Bloody Cleaver Handbag
This could be YOUEnter Belowat the bottom of this blog