Kasey Nichole's Blog

For the past several months I have been learning to live again. Seems like it never ends. Just when I thought my life was getting back on track and everything was looking good, something else happened. Last month I got a double ear infection which turned into a huge nightmare for me. I am now on medical leave from work with one Dr. appointment after another.I started to get stressed, depressed, and jittery. So instead of taking that path, I jumped back on the writing path that I haven't had time to work with much over the past few months. I have been working with Perfect Prose Publishing, LLC on getting some books out this year. Not only are they going to be publishing Kasey's books, they will be publishing some other authors this year as well. So, besides working with them, I've been working on The Caution's Out. I'm hoping to have it published in May sometime. I will keep you posted on that.I want to thank all of you for the support and loving messages that I get. To those of you that I have not replied to, I'm sorry. I will work on that soon.

Flowers on His Grave…

So… many of you know the back story of my best friend from childhood. Those of you that don’t I’ll give you a quick recap. I had a friend that I met in elementary school and we quickly became best friends. We did everything together. We were with each other so much that by the time we got into high school everyone thought we were a couple. Even people that we were close to seemed to believe that.

We didn’t have a problem with that, even though it was the furthest thing from the truth. See, Gumby was gay. He didn’t want to come out because he was the youth ministry leader at our school and his parents were really religious. We kept it to ourselves. Everyone assuming we were a couple, kept him at peace.

When we were in 10th grade he had a huge crush on this guy name John. He quickly became part of our little circle and a good friend to all of us. Gumby wanted to tell him how he felt once he found out that John was out and proud. It gave him courage and he looked at it as a sign that it was time to tell everyone. Well, he started with his parents and it quickly ended there. He told his parents on a Sunday night that he was gay. Needless to say they went bible thumping crazy. On 09/30/1999 at 5:40pm Gumby shot himself. He lived for 31 minutes before he passed away. At 6:11pm I lost part of my soul that I’ve left empty, void, and untouched for years.

I moved on with my life. Fell in love, had kids, got divorced, got engaged, blended with more kids. I’ve lived a full and happy life. I’ve lived, but I’ve always kept part of my soul dead. I refused to touch it. To keep it that way, I avoided Gumby. I’m not proud of that, but it was the only way I could keep myself from feeling dead as well. I have not been to his grave in almost 16 years, not since the day we put him there. My fiance convinced me to go and put flowers on his grave.

I was scared to visit that part of my soul again, to open that wound after the dark blood dyed so well. I don’t know what I was expecting to feel when I got there but what I did feel wasn’t it. I thought I’d be hurt, sad, and angry at him. Mad that he wasn’t here anymore when I needed him all those years. I felt none of that. I felt free. Peaceful even. It was like waking up from a 16 year coma. All the regret I felt for all those years melted away. It was like in an instant I was grateful he was gone.

Does that sound wrong?

I don’t know. But, I was. I was grateful for the years I was in love with my ex, for my kids that he gave me. For the life that I lived because even though most of it was hell, it made me the person that I am today. If he wouldn’t have passed, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today. I wouldn’t have my girls, or my job. I’d have nothing worth living for.

I put flowers on a grave of the most wonderful person that I ever knew. A person that didn’t deserve to die, but because of his death, I learned to live. All these years I’ve been living, even though I thought I was in hell, I lived. Three dollars in flowers gave me so much gratitude for my past, and hope for my future. I love you Gumby. I’ll be back to put more flowers on your grave.

Busy Growing....

It's amazing that everyday it seems like we do the same things, yet when we pause, everything is different. We are growing. Our family is getting stronger.

I know that over the past two weeks I've been scarce around here. I have reasons. Mostly going from Louisiana to Florida and getting the family settled for summer. We came here with hardly anything and now we have a house full. Mostly the necessities. Yet, it seems different. It's things we want, are proud to own, and got with so much love.

I have my mommy again...my dad too, but my momma....Oh...I'm so happy to have her EVERYDAY. We fight like there is no tomorrow but at the end of the day I'm so happy to just have the time to sit and fight with her. To see her, to help her, to just be with her.

When M gets home from work the girls are so happy. He pays attention to them, gives them his time, even though he is dead dog tired. He gets up early so he can spend time with them before he goes to work. Me too, of course, but their happiness....it's overflowing.

Our dawgs love the yard. They play more. I swear sometimes I think they smile they are so happy. They are getting into all kinds of new mischief. It's part of the growing.

I've been away from home for over five years. Coming back here, I feel like I'm living in a new city. Everything is growing around here. More homes, buildings, stores. I blinked and our little town is gone. The best part though....

I found out who my REAL friends are. People I've hardly seen since I've been gone are coming back into my life as if I never left. They accept my "new love" and don't judge my past with the ex. Some don't even  judge the ex for what happened. Those are the real friends. We are growing our friendship and rekindling what we had. It's nice.

So...while I've been off the grid....that is what I've been doing. The same things everyday, but yet somehow everything is different....because we are busy growing!

I've missed you all =) Happy to be back!!

People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did. But they will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou

This made me think of my daughters. I sit here with a heavy heart tonight, trying to figure out a way to patch yet another hole in their little hearts. Daughter #3 is twelve…almost thirteen. Daughter #4 is ten. They are up and down about how to forgive their dad for all the pain that he has caused them.

They are old enough to understand what he has done to them. They’ve even figured out that everything he’s put them through is called abuse. They are starting to ask questions that are very difficult to answer. I’m torn between telling them a white lie to protect them from him, or just telling them the truth and patching up more holes.

I think I’m starting to run out of emotional band-aids.

I just think about all the motivational pep talks I put into my books, and I apply them to real life. I tell them not to give up. To find reasons to forgive him. If nothing else they need to forgive him for themselves. They need to forgive him so they have a piece of mind, and can move on.

I hope they understand someday that no one can answer these questions but him. He is the one that caused all this hurt, and only he can answer the ‘why’ and ‘how come he said this’.

When will it get better? When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel for these girls?

I swear my fiancé is a blessing and curse at the same time. He is a blessing because he treats these girls as if they were his own. He loves them, and takes care of them. But, it’s the little things that he does without thought that they love more than anything. It’s those same qualities that are starting to bring out the questions. Those same little jesters that are starting to open their little eyes to how a dad is supposed to be, and how their father wasn’t really a dad.

So this leads me back to the quote. Eventually they will forget what he said, but probably not until they know why he said it. They will most likely forget the things he did, but only because they see how a man is supposed to treat a woman, thanks to my love. The real question….will they never really forget how he made them feel? This worries me, because if they can’t get passed how he made them feel, will they ever want to fully forgive him? They are so young; so fragile.

I need more band-aids….

 

“You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself.” ― Galileo Galilei

Yesterday I had a major meltdown. I went to school with my girls and I literally felt like my heart was going to explode. In my rant on Facebook yesterday, I told you all that my ex ruined my life by doing something stupid, which resulted in me losing my job as an educator.

I lied.

I guess going to the school yesterday and seeing all those kids made all the memories come rushing back. They flooded my mind. I felt like I was drowning. What I didn’t stop to think about was the fact that they were all positive memories. Memories that have made me a successful person today.

I am in no way giving my ex credit for that! That is all on me. Due to losing my job, I made myself change dreams. To fight for something else. Something that means more to me then educating.

I helped a lot of kids grow. I pushed and fought with a lot of young adults. I made them see that they were smart, they just didn’t give themselves enough credit. But, at the end of the day I went home drained. I was stressed all the time. I loved those kids. I worried about those kids. In the process I forgot about my own kids. I even started to pull away from my ex.

Teaching killed my passion for life. I was wrapped up in trying to help everyone find what’s within, and I lost my passion. My light dimmed, and then burnt out. I never really saw it until now. I wasn’t happy teaching. Sure, I loved the kids, and I loved the material, but I didn’t love the job.

So, by pushing myself to write, I’ve become happy. All the struggles and bumps in the road. All the hurt that other people caused, I managed to pull through it. I didn’t give up. Why? Because I’m happy…. Because I love it.

I’m home with my girls. I get to work in my home, which I love. I get to work with my best friend and write books. Books that other people love. Well…some people.

I’m just happy.

Moral of my rant…. I forgive him.

I forgive my worthless piece of crap ex for ruining my teaching careering. Only because it made me just a little bit stronger. It made me push myself to do something better. I have a long way to go, but doing it without him just makes it that much better. He may have closed yet another door to a closet full of baggage, but the future is looking bright!

I reached out to some of those kids. But in the process, they helped me. They helped me see that teaching wasn’t my true calling.

The Bible Boys by Dan Skinner

This book brought back so much personal heartache and memories of my beloved best friend. Whether they were born in 1954 or 1984, it don’t make one bit of difference. I guess some things never really change. A lot of the struggles that Matthew faced in this short story, people are still facing today. Matthew lived a sheltered life, hiding who he really was. It wasn’t by choice. It was because of his upbringing. Born into a family that is very bitter and grueling, Matthew wasn’t allowed to be who he really was. His church congregation even turned on him because he was “different”.  

The loneliness and unhappiness that Matthew felt made me feel raw inside. I couldn’t help but wonder if that is how my Gumby felt. When Matthew meets a new comer to his church he starts to see what the real world is like and he starts to fall in love with this new comer. When he is finally able to open his heart, his “closet” starts to diminish.

This story is tender, and heart-achingly beautiful. Want a sense of the real world, and the real struggles of LGBTQ community? Read this book. Half way through the book, I had to put it down because I couldn’t stop crying. Not because it was a bad book, because it was WONDERFUL. When I picked it back up and finally powered through the tears and horrid sobbing. I felt almost a since of peace.

My only regret….I wish I knew about this book when my Gumby was going through his struggles. When his parents went bible thumping insane on him. Then maybe I would have understood. Although I’ve always accepted who he was, I just didn’t understand the sandiness that he hid from the world. The hidden tears and the silent scream for help. This book though….this book brought back a flood a memories that now make sense. I will never get back the past 15 years, but I have an honest understanding now. Thank you, Dan. From the bottom of my heart…thank you!

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Memorizing You by Dan Skinner

I’m beginning to wonder if there is anything that Dan Skinner can’t do! The love and passion that he puts into his work just leaves me with a sense of completion. The man is a genius with his camera, but it’s what he does with the words that will leave your heart full, and wanting more.

I’m more of a ‘jump head first into two feet of water’ kinda girl. I like fast pace books with rough guys, and rougher sex. However, after coming across so many great reviews on this book, I decided to read it. Best decision I’ve made in a long time!! Not only is the man on the cover mesmerizing, the book is fantastic.

He has written a delightful book about two young men falling in love, and price they pay for being in love. There isn’t a lot of explicit sex, and it is somewhat bittersweet. But the love between these two boys just melts my heart. I instantly fell in love with them.  If you need a book that reminds you of what love is really about, or that love is worth every complication it faces, then this book is for you!

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The Art of the Heart by Dan Skinner

It’s not very often that I read a story and instantly want to read it again. But, I’ve went and added this book to my comfort collection. This book touched my heart and made me cry. I think every book I’ve read by Dan has done this to me. Even though Zac’s journey was a sad one, I knew something good was about to happen. I could just feel it. It pulled me in and kept me from putting my kindle down.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who loves a romantic heartfelt story. It was absolutely beautiful.

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Today we are happy to have Author F.E Feeley Jr. with us. Today is a very special day, it’s release day for his book, Still Waters. We are honored he took the time to answer some questions for us about his awesome book. Hello!  Thank you so much for visiting Writing in True Colors with me today! 

Q) How did you come up with the characters for your book?

The characters developed around the story, so to speak. There were certain dynamics I wanted at work. And each character showed, what I believe, is the modern American life.

Q) Can you tell me little about your characters? Personality, looks, etc.

The characters vary in this book, like I mentioned about. How they look? I am going to leave that up to the reader’s imagination, because what I see in my head, is not necessarily what the reader will see. There are multiple personalities, many different world views. Some are narrow and some are broad and some are accepting because their lives have been touched by an LGBT individual. 

Q) Do you have any habits that get you in the writing frame of mind?

No. Some people can close the world off and get themselves in some kind of mindset. It doesn’t work that way for me so far. I can’t spit out a novel every other month. If I try and force myself to do it, I get frustrated because whatever I write comes off phony to me.  My heart and my mind have to link up with my fingers across the keyboard. It’s sort of like making love, I guess. I want to be there for each word, I want to believe I believe in each word and can stand behind it.

Q) Is this part of a series?  If so, tell us about it! It is a part of a series.

The title of the series is Memoirs of the Human Wraiths. They are all stand-alone novels that are all interconnected by one main character. The idea came from DSP editors who all noticed that these novels existed in this ‘world’ and I ran with the idea.  My dear friend Richard came up with the title and it was appropriate for what I was trying to do.

Q) How much real life do you put into or influences your books?

I put a lot of the world in my books. Nina Simone said it is an artist’s responsibility to reflect the world around them. The reason I add a paranormal element, is to actually make the subject matter easier to handle. Truth is far stranger than fiction can be. It’s a really weird thing to have to water life down for people to be able to consume it. 

I really wanted to confront certain things that are going on in the world. In our world. And that is homophobia and this obsession with image.  I think America has entered a new Gilded Age and I am hoping to be one of the ones that aids in tearing that aspect down. It was bad enough the first time.

Q) Are you a morning person or night person? How does this affect your writing? 

I am a morning person now, because I’m married. When I was single, I was a night person because I didn’t have anyone to look after me. *laughs*  I didn’t have anyone who put me in line, I was a mess. But now, I’m a respectable person. *Does his best Eliza Doolittle* I’m a good girl, I am!

Q) What are your upcoming projects?

I have a short novella releasing with Cool Dudes publishing on April 25th called Indigent.  The work is part of an anthology dedicated to getting homeless LGBTQ kids off the streets and into safe shelters in The U.S., The UK, Australia, and South Africa.

Still Waters Blurb:

Memoirs of the Human Wraiths

Promise, Michigan is very much like every other small town across the state. Built on the edge of a lake, the homes sit in neat little rows in cute little neighborhoods. During the summer Promise bustles with tourists who come to spend their vacation dollars and enjoy the lake’s refreshingly cold water. But Promise holds a terrible secret. In the center of the lake is an abandoned island where a curse is rumored to wait for victims, unabated and deadly. Most think it’s just a story, something used to keep kids out of trouble. Still, everyone gives it a wide berth. Everyone except Bret and Adam. They dare to venture out the night of Bret’s birthday. When they declared their love and promise to get married, they believe no one else heard their whispered words—but they are wrong.

Five years after Adam dies, Bret returns to his family to heal. But someone is killing the people of Promise in random acts of violence. Bret, with the help of FBI agent Jeff McAllister, must discover the identity of a murderer with death on his mind and revenge in his heart.

Excerpt:

SUMMERTIME HAD come to the Great Lake State of Michigan and to the little town of Promise. A quaint little burg down I-96, where those considered low-income still earned triple digits, far from the hustle and slums of Detroit, Promise boasted magnificent shops and stretches of beautiful homes with deep yards and nice cars. The high school, home of the Indians, was state of the art, modern, the curriculum tough, and the teachers’ salaries kept them happy. The town was truly the land of milk and honey for those wealthy enough to afford it. A picture of the modern Gilded Age, where everything in town was connected by telephone wires and gossip like spindly threads of a spider’s web.

When a new family moved in, the lines hummed, and before the family could finish unpacking, several neighbors would show up at their door with baskets, pies, or fresh flowers from their gardens to welcome them to the neighborhood. Which, on the outside, looked pleasant enough, but these little visits were less a welcome wagon and more of an interview, and the people who came, less like neighbors and more like spies.

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