Scott Fields's Blog

THIS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS FIVE OR SIX QUESTIONS WHICH HE ANSWERED QUITE SIMPLY,

BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION. I BET THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT TO MOST HUSBANDS OUT THERE:

WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

MAN: YES

WOMAN: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?

MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT

AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

 
MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

WOMAN: NO.

MAN: WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.     ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay.  It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm   working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to define success in  her own words, she said;
"Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."
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2.  Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s  what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said;
"Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing."
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3.   Today, after my 72-hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me  at the grocery store and gave me a hug.  When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her.   She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most  sincere smile and said;
"On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."
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4.  Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying.    And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.
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5.  Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work.   At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire.    When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.
A man in  a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.
I start tomorrow.
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6.  Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died.

She simply said, "I feel so loved right now.   We should have gotten together like this more often."
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7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed.   About 5 seconds after he passed,
I realized it was the first  time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
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8.  Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start  recycling.   I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?"
Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.
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9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that,

I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.
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10.  Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches  with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me.  He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,
"I hope you feel better soon."
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11.   Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today.   If you need me, I'm a phone call away."
It was from a high school friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.
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12.   Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe.    He  said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy.    Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was  eating.
The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."
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The best sermons are lived, not preached.

These are good old ones?

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I didn?t make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the ?John? and renamed it the ?Jim?. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age always seems to come at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought ?Nap Time? was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...?I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don?t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"!  I?m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would?ve put them on my knees..

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven?t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you?re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age ?Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don?t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don?t have a curfew. I have a driver?s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don?t have acne. Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can?t remember their names.

Now, I?m wondering?did I send this to you, or did you send it to me.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:   We will heel you     We will save your sole       We will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:     “Blind man driving.” Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:     "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” In a Podiatrist's office:   "Time wounds all heels.” On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office:"If you don't see what you're looking for,   You've come to the right place.” On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed.” On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout.” On an Electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts.” In a Non-smoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and  will take appropriate action.” On a Maternity Room door:      "Push. Push. Push.” At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” At the Electric Company:"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.         However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.” In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.” In the front yard of a Funeral Home:   "Drive carefully. We'll wait.” At a Propane Filling Station:  "Thank Heaven for little grills.” In a Chicago Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak.” And the best one for last…;Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT 
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
WEDDINGS 
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER: 
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

 Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited 
Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God,  
But only as advisers. 
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It is easier to preach ten sermons 
Than it is to live one. 
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, 
But mosquitoes come close. 
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When you get to your wit's end, 
You'll find God lives there. 
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, 
Middle of the road, And back of the church. 
 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Opportunity may knock once, 
But temptation bangs on the front door forever. 
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Quit griping about your church; 
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. 
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If a church wants a better pastor, 
It only needs to pray for the one it has. 
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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. 
 
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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until 
he is dead.  So why should you? 
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Some minds are like concrete - 
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. 
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Peace starts with a smile. 
 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* I don't know why some people change churches; 
What difference does it make which one you stay home from? 
 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. 
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous 
 
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 
 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. 
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.  *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* God grades on the cross, not the curve. 
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God loves everyone, 
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!' 
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 
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He who angers you, controls you! 
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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! 
 
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Prayer:  Don't give God instructions, just report for duty! 

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The task ahead of us is never as 
great as the Power behind us. 
 
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  The Will of God never takes you to where the 
Grace of God will not protect you. 
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We don't change the message, 
The message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is 
By what it takes to discourage him/her. 
 
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: