Amber Fraley's Blog

MAGA Men Dream of the Epstein Ballroom

Sorry, boys, you’re not invited

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“But we needed a new ballroom,” said Cletus McDoodle, truck driver, 39, from Ames, Iowa, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. Despite his 230 pounds and looming figure, he’s a sensitive man.

“For years, the White House has had to hold big events in tents out on the lawn,” McDoodle said. “Well, that’s just bullshit! This is supposed to be the greatest country in the world!”

Like McDoodle, millions of Cinderellas-in-waiting are eager for the opening of the White House’s proposed Epstein Ballroom, hoping for an invitation.

They are likely to be disappointed.

But that has not stopped them from being the ballroom’s most staunch supporters, even in the face of widespread disapproval of the demolition of the East Wing of the White House.

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According to a Washington Post-ABC News-Ipsos poll, 56% percent of the more than 2,700 adults surveyed said they oppose the Epstein ballroom project, with only 28% expressing support and the remaining 16% of respondents saying they’re not sure whether they oppose or support it.

Billy Bob Crackersmith of Shitkick, Texas, is among the decidedly 28% of Americans who are in favor of the ballroom, but Crackersmith’s support goes farther than most.

“Do these heels go with this gown and my MAGA hat?”

Crackersmith asked his wife, as they shopped in Dress Barn in Dallas, in anticipation of Billy Bob’s dreams of twirling in tulle a reality. They traveled six hours from Shitkick to the big city to procure the coveted gown.

“Sure, hon! Silver heels go with everything.” Mrs. Crackersmith reassured her husband, but privately, she’s worried.

“I’m just afraid he’s gettin’ his hopes up for somethin’ that won’t happen,” she said. “He ain’t no Slovenian Princess, that’s for sure. It’s gonna be hard seeing him disappointed. Not to mention the fact we’re losing our ranch, and can’t really afford the new outfit, but I just can’t say no to him, and even if I tried, he might backhand me, so…”

While construction hasn’t yet commenced on the Epstein Ballroom, MAGA men from all over the States are confident it will be everything they’re dreaming of.

Photo by Diogo Nunes on Unsplash

“I imagine Big Daddy is gonna take his decoratin’ cues from the Saudis,” declared Zeke Zimmler, grinning broadly. “We know how Daddy loves his gold. Ain’t nothing but the best for him. He deserves it.”

Zimmler, a contractor from Florida, estimates the completion of the new ballroom should take less than a year. “Depends on who they hire to do the work, of course. It’ll take longer if they have to hire gringos and can’t use Mexicans, which is a shame, but we gotta follow the law. Don’t nobody put in parquet floors or pour concrete faster than Mexicans, and that’s the God’s truth.”

Zimmler said another bonus of the removal of the East Wing of the White House and the inclusion of a ballroom would be the “masculinization” of the People’s House, as the East Wing has traditionally been a uniquely female space reserved for First Ladies and their staff.

“That time has gone,” Zimmler proclaimed. “Today, ‘Merica needs a strong leader. A real man. A real man who ain’t afraid to make the big decisions like building a multi-million dollar ballroom without approval from Congress. All those guys are pussies.”

When asked if Zimmler had yet received his invitation to the dedication of the Epstein Ballroom, he became defensive.

“Give ’em a minute, will, ya? It ain’t even built, yet. Guest lists won’t be finalized for months. And thank the Lord above, because I need to lose about 50 pounds.”

Amber Fraley is the author of the hilarious college coming-of-age tale The Bug Diary , as well as the author of the viral essay Gen X Will Not Go Quietly . Now out is my new essay collection Kansas GenExistential !

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MAGA Men Dream of the Epstein Ballroom was originally published in Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Fuckery on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

View more on Amber Fraley's website »

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Published on November 01, 2025 15:47

God Loves Abortion

Despite what the prolife movement claims

Photo by Gayatri Malhotra on Unsplash

I have had many conversations with prolife folks over the years. They tend to all share the same visceral distaste for abortion — which I understand, to an extent— and they often claim their aversion to abortion is because that is also God’s position.

They believe abortion is evil and bad, and they believe God believes that as well.

Except that’s not true. At all. When one looks at the actual evidence, it’s clear that not only is God NOT anti-abortion, God is about as pro-abortion as an entity can be.

Let’s take a look at the facts:

First off, God is the most prolific abortionist in the history of humankind. No one has aborted more pregnancies than God.

Today alone, God will abort THOUSAND of pregnancies all over the planet, and he’ll do the same the day after that, the day after that, and the day after that, ad infinitum.

Many evangelicals and hardcore Catholics will counter that it’s human bodies that abort pregnancies, not God. Let’s consider that for a half a second... A supposedly all-knowing, all-powerful God is powerless to stop his own creations from aborting? How curious.

As it turns out, human pregnancies, unlike other mammals, have an incredibly high rate of failure. Research shows at least 50% of human fertilizations fail at some point during the reproductive process — whether in mere hours, days or weeks, and the fail rate is probably closer to 60–75%.

(I have an add-on question for evangelicals and anti-abortion Catholics regarding God’s abortions — you’re always fretting about how medical abortions “hurt babies” — do God’s abortions also hurt babies? Or does God use anesthesia?)

Secondly, there’s not a single verse in the Bible condemning abortion. In fact, quite the opposite. There is plenty of Biblical proof that once again, God is pro-abortion.

Consider Numbers 5:11–22:

11 Then the Lord said to Moses, 12 “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him 13 so that another man has sexual relations with her, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure — or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure — 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah[a] of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour olive oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder-offering to draw attention to wrongdoing.

16 “‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder-offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has had sexual relations with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have made yourself impure by having sexual relations with a man other than your husband” — 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse — “may the Lord cause you to become a curse[b] among your people when he makes your womb miscarry and your abdomen swell. 22 May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.”

“‘Then the woman is to say, “Amen. So be it.”

Now, Christians will try to “interpret” these verses for you and insist that they don’t actually say what they say, but the meaning is pretty clear: Rabbis could administer abortions to “cheating wives.” (Somehow their “magic waters” could differentiate between a cheating wife and a faithful one, but I call bullshit on that. Pretty sure that whatever they were administering was an abortifacient.)

Now, let’s look at the punishment in the Bible for causing a miscarriage…

Exodus 22–25:

“When there’s a fight and in the fight a pregnant woman is hit so that she miscarries but is not otherwise hurt, the one responsible has to pay whatever the husband demands in compensation. But if there is further damage, then you must give life for life — eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.

Notice the punishment is not the traditional eye for an eye, as it would be if a person were murdered. Nope. The punishment is a fine for killing another man’s fetus.

Can you imagine people in ancient Judea putting a grown-ass man to death for killing a fetus? Nonsense. It didn’t happen back then, and it sure wouldn’t happen today. Why? Because we all know a man’s life is worth more than a fetus’ life.

But for some reason, evangelicals will insist Jesus loves the fetus more than the woman, when there’s no evidence of that in the Bible, anywhere.

Finally, let us not forget Exodus 12:29–30, the time that God killed every single last one of the living, breathing, firstborn sons of Egypt, because Pharaoh refused to let the Israelites go free.

At midnight the Lord struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. Pharaoh and all his officials and all the Egyptians got up during the night, and there was loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead.

This was a particularly significant punishment from God, since firstborn sons were the most coveted, highly valued people in every family in ancient times. Every man wanted a son to carry on his name, his property, and his valuables, and to be there to protect his family should something happen to him. God taking all of Egypt’s firstborn sons meant God was not fucking around. He was pissed.

Now, one could argue that God is God, and God can kill whomever God wants to, but killing already born babies, and highly prized sons, at that, does not scream “prolife values” to me, in any way shape or form.

Before modern medicine, women miscarried and lost pregnancies even more often than today. To successfully birth a healthy child was a miracle. To lose a healthy, firstborn son would have been devastating to mothers and fathers alike.

Thanks to modern medicine, we can somewhat mitigate pregnancy problems, but, like God, we’re still pretty much powerless to stop spontaneous abortion. Very occasionally modern medicine is able to step in a prevent a miscarriage, but truthfully, the vast majority of the time we don’t want to. Why? Because as discussed earlier, human pregnancies are rife with genetic defects incompatible with life.

Also thanks to modern medicine, anatomy and surgery, we know that human uteruses are constructed for spontaneous abortion. If you want to argue we are part of God’s design, well, guess what? God designed us for easier abortion because His pregnancies fail so often.

In human pregnancies, the mother and fetus are in direct competition for her body’s resources, and human pregnancies require a lot of resources — it takes a huge supply of blood and proteins to produce a human child, what with our big, resource-hungry brains.

The placenta is in place to provide somewhat of a barrier between the mother’s body and growing fetus — whereas most mammal’s offspring burrow directly into the uterine wall, primates and a few other mammals have placentas to contain the pregnancy so that it’s easier to expel when things go wrong, which is often. (Other mammals simply re-absorb the pregnancy when they miscarry.)

Why pregnancy is a biological war between mother and baby | Aeon Essays

Humans are literally built for miscarriage. If you’re a Christian, you might say we were “designed” for it.

Now, many Christians will tell me there’s a moral difference between God’s abortions and human-induced abortions. Human-induced abortions, they often argue, involve “intent” — as in, intent to murder.

Except that doesn’t apply here. One cannot have “intent” toward an embryo or fetus. One can only have murderous “intent” toward another person.

In fact, only born people can be murdered. One could argue near-term pregnancies can be “murdered,” and in fact, “prolife” folks often point to the modern laws put in place to punish someone who murders a pregnant woman with two charges instead of one, but those laws were put into place by whom? Prolifers. And not because that’s what’s good for the woman who was attacked and murdered. Nope. It’s to further their political goal of making fetuses legal people.

Similarly, Christians will often speak of the “innocence” of embryos and fetuses. Well, that’s also nonsense, since an embryo can neither be “innocent” or “guilty” of anything — again, it’s not a person, yet. Only born people out in the world can be deemed innocent or guilty of anything.

Those firstborn Egyptian sons God murdered in the Bible? They were truly innocent. They certainly had nothing to do with enslaving the Israelites.

You know who’s actually anti-abortion? Clergy. Priests. Pastors. People who are generally men. People without uteruses.

God, however, is not antiabortion. Far from it. And I, for one, am tired of being told He is.

Amber Fraley is the author of the hilarious college coming-of-age tale The Bug Diary , as well as the author of the viral essay Gen X Will Not Go Quietly . Now out is my new essay collection Kansas GenExistential !

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God Loves Abortion was originally published in Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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Published on October 27, 2025 09:14

If Rainbow Flags Make You Think of LGBTQ sex

Then YOU are the pervert

Photo by Stavrialena Gontzou on Unsplash

Dear Conservative Brethren:

It has come to my attention that you do not like rainbow flags or pink-and-blue trans flags.

When I ask you why those flags trigger you so much, you usually respond that you’re tired of having the LGBTQ lifestyle “shoved in your face” or “shoved down your throat,” or some other phrase that involves shoving things into other things.

When a teacher chooses to display a rainbow flag, you say things like, “Kids shouldn’t be exposed to sexuality at that age,” or “Teachers shouldn’t be indoctrinating kids into the gay lifestyle.”

Here’s the thing — normal folks don’t see rainbow flags and then start running gay or trans porn in our heads. We see rainbow flags and we smile because we know our LGBTQ friends and family are supported. When we see rainbow flags at a bar or coffee shop, we know our LGBTQ friends and family are safe in that establishment.

Rainbows are happy and joyful. When we see rainbow flags, we are happy and joyful.

Apparently when you see rainbow flags, you are incapable of NOT thinking about “the gay lifestyle” — i.e. gay sex — which is why you don’t want your kids seeing them, because you think your kids will also think about gay sex, and horror of horrors, they might LIKE IT.

This is bonkers thinking.

If the sight of rainbow flags makes you think about boy-on-boy or girl-on-girl sex, or transgender folks having sex with… whomever, then maybe you need to explore those thoughts and feelings in more depth, because it seems like you have something to work out.

And if you want to talk about flags and feelings, when I see your Gasden flags or your Confederate flags, all I can assume is you’re an uneducated, unread fool who hates our constitution.

But I sure as hell don’t think about what you do with your fool naked body or whom you do it with, nor would I ever want to.

So maybe take a beat before you out yourself as a pervert if you’re triggered by rainbow flags. You’ll save yourself some embarrassment.

Amber Fraley is the author of the hilarious college coming-of-age tale The Bug Diary , as well as the author of the viral essay Gen X Will Not Go Quietly . Now out is my new essay collection Kansas GenExistential !

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If Rainbow Flags Make You Think of LGBTQ sex was originally published in Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Fuckery on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

View more on Amber Fraley's website »

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Published on October 19, 2025 11:28