Natalie Chambers Snapp's Blog

I wish I could just hop on here and offer you a beautiful Christmas craft today and be a lifestyle blogger and go on our merry way with the fabulous lives we all lead.

But the fact remains . . . that just ain’t where I am right now.

I’m in a season of profound loss. In the past year, I’ve lost a beloved stepfather who made my equally beloved mother be filled with joy and peace for the first time in a long time.

And while it’s not even remotely on the same scale, we had to release my sweet soul-sister of a dog, Sassy, two weeks ago. The one we rescued after Ellie died. The ragamuffin with a patchwork heart and whose checkered past made me love her all the more because man . . . did she just get me. Two lost little souls whose paths crossed to bring love and comfort.

Today was another day of profound loss. I cannot yet share details but just know it was rough. As the situation unfolds, I will be able to share more.

Loss is hard. Grief is hard. Life is . . . well, hard as shit.

And yes. I said shit.

I am now 46 years old and looking at the other half of my life and feeling, like so many in my boat, like maybe I know nothing. Sadly, I’ve lived the last four decades thinking I might know something. But now, I realize there is so little I actually, truly, really do.

It is December and the holidays are in full-swing and we are all supposed to be holy and happy and whole. But today, I just feel doubting and sad and in about a million little pieces.

In my most recent book, I discuss how our deconstruction leads to our renovation. I know this to be true. While there is so much I am unsure of, this remains a steadfast truth I will take to my grave. While we can’t ever see this in the midst of our own suffering, I can’t deny the fact that every person in my life who I hold dear, who are my people and who are safe souls who won’t judge me or turn their backs on me when I suggest questions of doubt, have walked through profound suffering and lived to tell about it. Still waters run deep. If you don’t have deep crevices, I’m not sure I can understand. I will love you. I will bless you. I will wish only good for you. But if you, like Sassy, do not have at least a little bit of a ragamuffin of a past, we may not understand each other.

So while we anticipate the birth of a Savior I still hold dear, I also know this is a season of such sadness for so many. “I just try to get through it,” said a friend of mine recently who has walked through the fire as of late. And deep in the recesses of my soul, I relate on so many levels and understand that we are not the only two to feel the same.

There is other suffering I’ve walked over the past few years that I cannot discuss at the moment but know this: pain is pain is pain. My pain is no deeper or greater than yours and vice versa.

I will not try to wrap it up in a big red bow. I will not give the canned, Christian answers anymore. I will not try to make you feel better because I feel more comfortable when you smile.

What those of us who are walking through hardship right now need the very most is knowing you are there. Heck, it’s so much better to say “I don’t know what to say but I’m here” than give a trite answer that will just make us feel worse.

Because at this point in my life, there is one thing I do know: Jesus lived in authentic relationship with people who were suffering. He sought them out. He invited them to dinner. He loved them for who they were at precisely that moment right then.

Acceptance is a form of love. Grace is a bigger form of love. And presence communicates both.

So while I don’t know what will unravel in the coming years, I do know that I will still love a good pinot noir and crevice-filled conversation with those who have walked the hard path of suffering and have been reconstructed – only to be deconstructed and reconstructed yet again. Because our reconstruction is not a one-and-done thing. It’s a process.

And we’ll keep walking.

The post For When The Holidays Are Just Plain Hard appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

I would love to have you join the launch team for my latest book baby. In fact, I wouldn’t just love it – I’d be crazy honored. She makes her debut on September 17 and I am so excited for you to meet her.

Hey, friends – OK, so I admit it’s been crickets over here. If you don’t follow me over on my author page on Facebook, then click here so we can communicate a little more consistently. Over there, I’ve shared about my next book entitled The Bathsheba Battle: Finding Hope When Life Takes An Unexpected Turn.

Do you have to be a huge social media platform with thousands of followers? Absolutely not.

Do you have to commit hours a day to publicize this little book baby? Absolutely not.

Do you have to come up with your own content and agonize over wording? Absolutely not.

If you are committed to the message behind The Bathsheba Battle, if you are positive and passionate about your faith, and if you believe women should come alongside each other and be friends, this launch team just might have your name written all over it!

Should you be selected (and come on – why wouldn’t you??), you and I will be interacting in a small, private Facebook group and get to know each other better. Truth be told, this is what I am looking forward to the most.

So come on – apply already! Click the link below and let’s get going, girl! BUT HURRY: THE DEADLINE AS OF RIGHT NOW IS SUNDAY!!!!

Click here to apply to be a part of The Bathsheba Battle Launch Team

The post Join The Bathsheba Battle Launch Team! appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

My sons are no longer the little boys they were even just two years ago. I’ve had to come to grips with the fact they no longer quietly grab my hand as we stroll through Target (of course, we still stroll through Target. Obvi.), or want to go to McDonald’s Play Place or ask for toys at Christmas. At almost 12 years old and almost 11 years old, they are tweens on the heels of their teen sister. The conversations are hilarious and I love this stage just as much as those sweet stages of years past. But I won’t lie . . . sometimes, I long to throw them on my hip and snuggle their blonde little tow-heads smelling of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. Truthfully, I’m aware we are in the ultimate sweet spot of parenting. No one is driving so I know where they are at all times. They still love me and want to hang out with me (for the most part). And we can, gasp, leave them alone for a few hours while the mister and I go out for a date WITHOUT HIRING A BABYSITTER. It’s divine and much less painful at the end of the night when we realize how much we’ve spent to go out to dinner and pay a sitter (which, might I add, is always worth it.) Of course, our fourteen year old daughter loves this but that’s just what happens when you’re the oldest.

Yet I have to say . . . I’m a little concerned for my sons. They are good boys. They’re being raised to have integrity, to do the right thing even when no one is watching. They’re being raised to be respectful of women. They’re being raised to look for those who need friends and feel left-out. They’re being raised to strive for excellence, to not accept mediocrity, to push themselves harder when they feel like giving up – but also understand when it’s time to release it to God.

It’s exhausting, this parenting gig. And parenting girls is different in a lot of ways. We’ll talk about that another time because for today, I want to talk about our boys.

In this era of #MeToo, I’ve watched good men be villainized for simply having the unfortunate luck of being born male. Now, before you send me hate mail, please know I would never side against a woman who has been sexually assaulted in any way. I am a strong advocate for the Church doing better when it comes to physical, psychological, and verbal survivors of abuse. My boys are taught that no always means no, that girls and women are to be respected and protected, and they are to defend them if they ever see anything happening that shouldn’t be.

But I’m concerned for them simply because . . . God made them boys. It seems like in today’s culture, it’s not OK for them them to be masculine anymore.

Our culture waters-down their maleness out of fear because if we can clip their biology, then we don’t have to worry about sexual assault. Just watch the commercials and TV shows of today – men are portrayed as bumbling idiots that can’t find their way out of a paper bag. Once you become aware of this, you’ll notice it even more.

I know the phrase “Boys will be boys” is controversial and when used as it pertains to sexual assault, it’s not acceptable in any way.

Yet boys will be boys in that they will be loud. They will wrestle and knock over furniture (I have bought five new lamps in the past two years). They leave sweaty socks ALL OVER THE HOUSE. They can’t help but love those dang video games. And they laugh incessantly over anything having to do with poop. Which, might I add, they never grow out of because well . . . there’s an older male that lives at my house that joins in, too.

When my daughter has friends over, they are definitely loud. But they don’t wrestle. She doesn’t love video games. No one is talking about poop. And the socks . . . well, let’s just say it’s far less with her.

Girls are different from boys. Boys are different from girls. Women are different from men. Men are different from women. There is purpose in that.

But until we protect our boys and make them believe they are not how they are portrayed by the media or the loud culture feeding them lies, we run the risk of the self-fulfilling prophecy, which simply means we become what we are expected to become. If we hear we are something long enough, then the label becomes reality. Psychology 101.

Not all men are sexual predators. Not all men are abusive. Not all men are chauvinistic pigs. There are just as many females who fit that criteria and I’m sure as heck thankful I’m not labeled a certain way based on the behavior of another group of women.

The war against good men has to stop – for the sake of our young sons. For if we want to see change in the world, that’s where it starts. We must feed our boys truth. We must teach them to look for ways in which their gender is stereotyped as buffoons (and girls as well – but they are sexualized instead of made to look like idiots. We’ll talk about that soon.) and refuse to believe it. They must know that God created them to be men for a reason and all the good things men do – and women.

We must teach our sons to rise-up, despite the stereotypes thrown in their faces each day. My husband has been reading The Way of the Warrior Kid (thanks, Pastor Eric!) with my boys before bed each night and a new phrase in our house is “Warrior up!”

Warrior up, boys. Warrior up to the truth of who you really are. Warrior up to fighting the stereotypes that say you’re a sex-crazed idiot. Warrior up and speak out against those boys and men who contribute to these stereotypes. Warrior up to loving other well – regardless of race, or beliefs, or gender.

It takes courage to be a masculine male these days, boys. Guard that responsibility wisely.

Warrior up.

The post To Other Mothers of Boys appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

Greetings, friends!

After two years in the wilderness, and likely more to come because that’s just how it works, I’m thankful to announce I signed a new contract with Abingdon Press on Monday (publisher of Heart Sisters and the Becoming Heart Sisters study).

If you’ve ever been to any of my speaking engagements, you know I have a passion for Bathsheba and her story. For years, I’ve been percolating how to best break it down but wasn’t sure if it would really happen or if I even could do her story justice.

And then . . . the wilderness. Bathsheba knew a thing or two about navigating the wilderness. She was in the thick of it for a while – but then, God being God, she didn’t stay there forever. She emerged strong, mighty and a woman to be admired and respected.

No one ever raises their hand high when asked who would like to experience pain and suffering. No one. We are creatures of comfort. We don’t like emotional pain. We don’t like the not knowing. And we certainly don’t like suffering of any kind.

But what if it’s precisely the pain and suffering that brings us to what we all, regardless of your beliefs, seek daily? Contentment. Peace. Authentic love for others.

Freedom.

I’m on a tight deadline because this little gestating beauty is due March 1. She will be released in the fall. I covet and appreciate your prayers and support, friends.

The post An Exciting Announcement . . . appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

The only drama in Rosie and Sassy’s life is who is going to get the peanut butter . . . (don’t worry – they both did!)

A while ago, I was in a conversation in which the speaker was talking about a friend who had checked-in with her because she felt something was “off” in their relationship.

This, of course, is good, healthy communication and a good practice to instill in all relationships.

Except for the person I was speaking with discounted this friend and said she didn’t have time for any “drama.”

Which got me thinking . . . how often do we discount other people’s hearts and drive a wedge in our relationships when we hide behind the shield of “wanting no drama”?

And let’s just be real for a minute . . . does anyone want more drama? OK, yes. There are some. But I’m not talking about them here. I’m talking about the general, mature adult population.

I recently discovered a podcast I’m loving called The Adult Chair with Michelle Chalfant. Trust me, you will want to check it out as it’s chock-full of good stuff.

Michelle talks about the three chairs we all sit-in from time-to-time – the child chair, the adolescent chair and the adult chair.

After listening to her podcasts, i began to reflect on how often I sit in the adolescent chair – the one in which eye-rolls and rebellion exist, and yikes . . . I sit right on down there quite a bit.

So I’m making a more conscious effort to sit in my adult chair more often because I did just turn 45 and maybe it’s time.

From the adult chair, I see how often we overuse the word drama as a way to shame those who have emotions and are willing to talk about them – even when it’s hard. For so long, we’ve told them they are too much, they’re wrong for feeling the way they do and they’re just too sensitive.

Yet the deep-feelers of the world are rare and possess the gift of a very different perspective than most. They are noticers of small details. They see the story behind every interaction, behind every tear, behind every victory, behind every defeat. Noticers are the storytellers of the world, people who connect us all and humanize one another so we can actually see people and not issues.

Noticers soften us all and I think we could all use a little softening these days.

Yet noticers also are often unfairly labeled as drama mamas, too emotional or too anything.

But in all fairness, there are indeed those who thrive off of drama.

So what’s the difference between a noticer and a drama mama? (And I am using the term drama mama not to be sexist but because, let’s be real – most of the readers here are women. But men can be drama mamas, too.) This:

1. Drama mamas must always make everything about themselves. Those who thrive off of drama live in the adolescent chair pretty much all the live-long day. Their conflict du jour (usually that they’ve stirred-up) is to get others to pay attention to them. To notice them.To heal the wounds they may not even know they have. While drama mamas loudly demand attention, noticers quietly mention their hurt for the sake of healthy relationships. Big, big difference.

2. Drama mamas blame others while noticers take responsibility. Drama mamas are victims. All of their problems are the fault of everyone else. Noticers possess humility which is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Humility leads to vulnerability, and vulnerability leads to authentic relationships. Authentic relationships are healing, heartfelt and helpful to our day-to-day lives.

3. Drama mamas talk about everyone else to everyone else. Noticers talk to few.  OK, who isn’t guilty of talking about other people now and then? I’m not condoning this – just merely saying we all do it. The difference is that a drama mama will talk about others to anyone and everyone – their filter for discretion is non-existent.

4. Drama mamas post all of their junk on social media. There’s enough negativity in the world. Social media isn’t the place for political arguments, hard issues and personal problems. I’ve seen some people handle political arguments on social media in a mature, respectful manner but they’re rare birds.

 5. Drama mamas are impulsive, noticers are not. Again, drama mamas are lacking in the filter department. Yeah, we all lose our filter now and then – but we’re talking consistency here. Drama mamas often say things without thinking and offer their opinion on everything – even when no one asks or cares to know.

Here’s a fun little test to help you determine if you are a “High Need for Drama (HND)” individual – and yes, it’s a thing.

Do drama mamas need love? Heck, yeah. But sometimes we need to pray for them and love them from afar – and that’s OK. We just have to know the difference between someone who is trying to stir-up some excitement and someone who values your relationship so much they’re willing to talk through hard stuff with you.

So can we all agree to stop shaming the noticers? Stop telling them to quit having feelings? Listen to their hearts and know it comes from a good place? Noticers aren’t dramatic – they’re real, authentic and care so much about you, they’re willing to have hard conversations to preserve their relationship with you. Sounds like someone who will hold your heart well.

The post Is It Drama – or Healthy Communication? appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

Because we are always this happy and joy-filled when we’re together . . . Riiiiight . . .

My boys, who are fifteen months apart and ages 10 and 11, had a doozie of an argument on Saturday night. Tears. Fists. Pushing. Good grief, it was a Jesus-take-the-wheel moment if ever there was one.

After a cooling off period, we came together in the living room and both boys shared their hearts. After more tears, we arrived at a place of intense brotherly love and they were back to being the best of friends.

Oh, if all disagreements could end so beautifully.

If we all learned anything about the election of 2016, it’s this: we clearly need to work on communication and how to disagree with with each other.

And, truth be told, it wasn’t just the election – though it was the precipitating event that brought this challenge to the surface.

I don’t know about you but I’m pretty certain there is not one person on this planet that agrees with me on every single little thing and I don’t need everyone to agree with me. I do, however, need and want us all to be respectful of each other regardless of our opinions and beliefs.

Two events in my extended family occurred over the past two years and sadly, it’s caused me to have to take a giant step back from those relationships. Heartbreaking? Yes. However, it had nothing to do with the issues we didn’t agree on and everything to do with how it was done.

When we disagree with someone and communicate it in a healthy, loving way but are met with blaming, scolding, belittling and an inability to see the other perspective, then it might be time to get the h*&^ out of dodge. That’s not respect or relational safety.

But what if you can’t get the h**& out of dodge? What do we do when faced with a situation in which we are point blank asked about how we feel about something but we’re apprehensive to share it because of the fall-out?

We don’t have to fear disagreement because we have the right to believe what we want. No one is allowed to say you’re wrong, or belittle you for believing what you believe or tell lies about you that paint you as intolerant, judgemental and rude. That’s just plain disrespectful and you wanna talk about being a bully? There you have it right there.

I’m still very much a work in progress and certainly under construction. I am evolving daily as I seek Jesus (not the church, mind you. Jesus. Big difference. More on that in the future.) I’ve messed-up in my own disagreements and done things well. Of course, my failures were my best teachers.

So how do we disagree with each other and still preserve the relationship?

Well . . . here’s the thing: you may not preserve the relationship. I had to walk away from two of those relationships and in my world, that’s a last resort. However, sometimes that’s the most healthy choice you can make because when someone is downright unkind and disrespectful and shows no remorse? That reveals a whole lot of what’s going on in their heart. It’s not really about you. But you don’t have to be around that and quite frankly, it creates distrust and if there’s no trust, then those relationships need to stay very on-the-surface or just not at all.

But if two sides come to the table and value the relationship more than being right, then there’s promise.

Here are five ways to “be” during a disagreement:

1. Be candid. When we are “honest,” oftentimes, we have our own heart as the priority and not the heart of the other person. Everyone has seen/heard the person holding up one finger, circling their head, repeating the “I’m just being honest” zinger, usually followed by an insult just delivered. However, if we are candid, then we have the heart of the other person as our priority and we are speaking truth with love.

2. Be an active listener. Remember how we talked about the difference between hearing and listening? Hearing is just registering noise. Listening is really thinking about what the person is saying. You are looking at them as they’re saying it. You are showing positive body language. You are NOT formulating your response as they are speaking. This is not a debate. This is a disagreement. Big difference. A debate is reserved for the courts and speech teams. A disagreement is reserved for learning, listening and loving well.

3. Be open. Be willing to see the issue from the eyes of the other person. Listening to the other side without judgement or contempt just might lead to positive change for you. It also may not but at least be open. Closed-off people who know all the answers aren’t usually very popular friends or serve as an inspiration of how to be.

4. Be humble. You know what’s so funny? I’ve actually changed my opinion on what led to the disagreement within my extended family. Now granted, it was not because of the way it was handled because that was horrible. Other factors influenced my heart and allowed me to see the issue the way Jesus would see it – and that led to change. So how would Jesus see a disagreement?  With humility and love. We see evidence of this all throughout his life. Never once did He ridicule or tell someone how wrong they were or accidentally send unkind emails blasting another person or posting how stupid someone was on social media. Doesn’t that just sound so incredibly immature? And yet, friends, it happens.

5. Be wiling to agree to disagree and move on. This part is up to you. You can choose to let this get in the way of your relationship or not. However, if the person you are speaking with has not been kind, you’ll want to pray that one over. How someone conducts themselves in the heat of the moment is often an indicator of who they are. That doesn’t mean there can’t be grace. We’ve all said and done less-than-stellar things to other people. This just means they were 1) toxic, 2) showed no remorse and 3) didn’t later apologize or show any trace of humility. Definitely something to sit-up and take note of when it comes to who will hold your heart well.

In the end, I can’t think of one issue that is worth our relationships. Let you be you and them be them. But preserve and be careful with your own heart, too.

The post How To Disagree With Someone And Still Love Them (And Yourself) appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

She said she just couldn’t be who she knew she was when she was with this certain group. It was hard to reveal her true heart, her silly personality or, gasp, even think about making a mistake because in that crowd . . . she just wasn’t safe.

As I listened around the kitchen island, where most of these kinds of chats take place, it became apparent this was yet another moment in which I would learn from my thirteen year old daughter.

I’ve experienced the same as of late.

When you spend time with people who aren’t your people – people who don’t recognize the greatness of you, or who listen to what others might say about you rather than formulate their own opinions or don’t care enough to invest in you unless you can offer them something, you tend to not act like your true self. Instead, the false self, the one who isn’t really who you are but often emerges when you’re with people who don’t love and accept you, can push-out that true self until you’re unrecognizable to those who know the true you.

This is why one person may say something positive about you while another may not – we aren’t always operating within our true self’s nature.

Recently, my husband and I discovered we had been spending time with a group that made us behave in ways that weren’t in alignment with our true selves. When we were with this group, it brought out the worst in us – not the best. Our false selves consistently won out and it took us a few years to figure it out.

When we did figure it out, it was a huge relief. THAT’S why I behaved that way. Or said that. Or did that.

Now listen, this doesn’t take responsibility off of me by any means. Don’t even get me started on how easily we try to blame other people for our problems. I’m in no way doing that. I own my false self behavior even when it’s the result of not being around my people. I’m still responsible for my choices and actions.

But it does make more sense as to why I could be one way with one group and seemingly completely different with another. I love when I learn the whys.

Yet the reality is, those who bring out our false selves are everywhere. So what do we do?

1. Recognize these are your false self people. This doesn’t mean you act condescending. It doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone you can’t be your true self in the presence of certain people who are there. Good grief, no. This just means you keep it surface, baby. Pretty front porch it, friends. This isn’t being fake. This is being wise.

2. Schedule time with those who you trust and bring-out your true self. When we get confused and our false-self emerges, it’s easy to get stuck in a web of lies that tells us we are certain things we are not. Those people who know the loveliness of our true selves will remind of us of the truth in who we are.

3. Remember the holding hands sculpture. My counselor has a sculpture of two hands held together, cup-like (see above). “Natalie, people have to earn the right to hold your heart. Only place your heart in the hands of those who will hold it like the precious thing it is. If they’re going to open those hands and carelessly drop it to the ground, then don’t entrust them with it in the first place.” Geesh. Enough said, Karen.

4. Limit your contact with them. It might be completely unavoidable but watch your calendar. If you know you are going to have to spend time with those who bring out your false selves, then don’t schedule more time later that week with the same kind of people.

5. Educate yourself on the rejection cycle.  How do we typically respond when rejected? Take a look at the graphic below. If we feel rejected or unloved, then we may choose to allow those thoughts and feelings to control us. We then may react by rejecting others or trying too hard to please then so on, and so on, and so on. (Graphic below retrieved from http://overcomingabusegodsway.com/ministries/overcoming-abuse-gods-way-curriculum/

Getting out of this crazy cycle begins with acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel rejected or unloved because we all do at times. But the next step is critical. WE DO NOT CHOOSE TO GIVE THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS CONTROL OVER US. Bam. The cycle ends.

Easier said than done, right? But possible? Absolutely.

Bless them, say a little prayer for them, then move on. Oftentimes, people reject us more because of their own issues rather than ours. Don’t let someone else’s issues hold you hostage, friends.

Your true self is worth your protection. It’s worth the relinquishment of certain relationships so it can thrive. It’s worth tender, prioritized care. It’s worth hard conversations and it’s worth sticking up for.

And only give it to those who will hold it ever so tenderly and will never let it fall to the ground.

The post When You Aren’t Yourself Around People Who Aren’t Your People appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

If you’re following these posts from the last few weeks, you know my photos aren’t having anything to do with the subject but merely to show joy still happens in the midst of hard times. Regardless of what’s going on your lives, dogs still need to go out. They still need walked. They still have accidents. And Rosie still begs for treats from Sarah.

My friend Shelly and I were talking yesterday about how it’s so much easier to be the kind of person who remains on the surface-level, doesn’t question and only shows a pretty front porch. They don’t make any waves and yeah, they lack depth but truth be told? There are days I would like to lack depth, too.

It’s far easier to throw up the jazz hands each day and project that not-a-care image and go with whatever the higher-ups say.

Easier, yes. Less fulfilling? Maybe. How can you miss something you don’t understand?

But sad? Absolutely.

Sadly, those who put-up the jazz hands often eschew others who don’t live in a false reality that is counterfeit and counterproductive. Counterfeit because it’s false and counterproductive because we get so much more done for the world when we are vulnerable and notice stuff that matters. Noticers are the ones that change the world, my friends.

I’ve met more wolves in sheep costumes in the past two years than I have in the previous 42. It seemed they were everywhere – like land mines that go off intermittently and in places you would never expect.

Two big disagreements in my extended family rocked me to my core. A betrayal from a friend who was like a sister. Being “ghosted” by the other one of our trio. Cold shoulders from church leadership. The list goes on.

And, if you’re like me, when people share a myriad of relationship issues with me, that’s a flag, right? Because the common denominator is, well . . . the person sharing.

So I get it. I’m sure you might be thinking the same.

Trust me, I’ve done my fair share of self-reflection through prayer, counseling and much-needed white space. Since I am a human being still learning, yes, I’ve screwed up in some areas. I identify it. I own it. I confess it. I seek forgiveness. I forgive myself. I move on.

But this recent string of stuff? It’s mostly because of one key point:

Those who benefited the most from you once not having boundaries will be the most upset when you start putting them in place.

If you’ve read much around here or in Heart Sisters or Becoming Heart Sisters, then you know I am a recovering people-pleaser. It’s not unusual for me to put others’ needs above my own or even sacrifice my family’s needs for another family’s needs.

In the past, I haven’t asserted myself much when “stuff” comes up because who likes conflict? Whenever I speak to a group, I always ask people to raise their hand if they love conflict.

Guess what? No one raises their hands. Not a one.

No one likes conflict.

But like it or not, conflict happens if you are going to be in close, authentic relationship with other people.

As you gather your tribe,  consider these five key points in identifying wolves:

1. Wolves care more about appearances than they do reality. I once knew a person who immediately stopped associating with someone if they heard something unflattering about him or her. Good grief, even Jesus was verbally bashed by other people. Everyone has fallen short. Everyone has days that aren’t so great. Everyone needs grace. If your friend starts pulling away and ghosting you because she’s more worried about her reputation then . . . yeah.Not your people.

2. Wolves say they will always be there for you but when you need them, they are suddenly very busy. If they need you, they throw a hootie if you aren’t available immediately. The thing about wolves is that they are so sneaky – they wear that sheep costume and oftentimes don’t even realize themselves that they’re actually wolves. In fact, they’ve worn this costume for so long they don’t even know who they really are. Sad? Again, yes. But if they aren’t there when you need them the most, nope. Not your people.

3. Wolves tell you they’re too busy to talk through a conflict with you. Translation: you aren’t worth the time it takes  to work this through. If a conflict has come up between another person and you and they refuse to discuss it or unloads their side and says they’re done with the conversation before you can even respond, yeah. Not your people.

4. Wolves refuse to say ten very important words: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” You guys, I talk about humility all the time. Know why? It’s the building block to vulnerability. Vulnerability is the foundation of authenticity. Authentic, real relationships are the only ones worth having. If they aren’t willing to stick-in when your world gets a little messy, yep . . . not. Your. People.

5. Wolves will say what sounds good but do what ultimately benefits them. See a trend here? Wolves are very “me” focused. Forget your needs – wolves are about themselves and themselves only. These masters of PR know how to project an image to persuade you to do what they want – even if it’s not in your best interest. Anyone not interested in your best interest? You guessed it – not your people.

It’s often difficult to cut wolves out of your life because, as I said earlier, wolves are gooooood and smooooth. They know how to work it. But if you’ve been betrayed by a wolf, consider yourself lucky – even though, trust me, I know, it’s extremely painful. The earlier you get a wolf out of your life, the better.

Are we to love them? Sure. I’ve prayed blessings over my wolves and I love them from far, far away. I wish them well. I forgive them. I forgive myself for not seeing the truth.

But . . . move. On. Sister. Ain’t no wolf worth it.

Disclaimer: my husband has this really great tattoo of a wolf and Native American on his chest. He loves wolves and I have to admit, they’re fascinating. There are many amazing qualities we can glean from wolves. I’m just going with the scripture of “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15). Wolf lovers, please do not send hate mail. You included, Jason Snapp.

The post How To Spot A Wolf In A Sheep Costume appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

These photos I’m using don’t really have much to do with what I’m writing about other than to show that even during hard seasons, there is still joy. So much joy. As long as you’re looking for it, you’ll find it.

My youngest child is an external processor. So am I.

You know what this means? Sometimes, a lot of time, we say things without thinking.

But the thing is . . . you don’t get to say stuff you’d like to take back then say “Sorry, I’m an external processor” and expect everyone to excuse you and move on.

What I keep telling him is the same truth I tell myself: it’s OK to be an external processor because that’s just who you are. But external processors still also must know when to restrain that thought and when it’s OK to let it out.

In other words, we must hone the very difficult skill of knowing when to speak and when to listen.

Never was this more apparent than during the last presidential election.

I don’t even know where to begin on that horrendous season in our country. Regardless of your political persuasion, I think we can all agree that a whole new level of mudslinging, a level that dumbfounded me on most days, was achieved. And it wasn’t just the opponents slinging the mud – it was all of us.

The bottom line I learned during this season: it makes not one bit of a difference what you believe politically. I hear arguments from both sides of the aisle and often see both points. At the end of the day, it’s not about who’s right, who’s wrong and who wins.

But it is about respecting another person’s thoughts, opinions and beliefs – even if they don’t align with yours.

I watched, aghast, as arguments blew-up on Facebook. I heard and read the points go personal and for the jugular. I watched hate-filled quarrels that made me think of the shortest scripture: Jesus wept.

Because I think if Jesus were physically present in the human form during that season, that’s precisely what He would have done. He would have wept. All the live-long day for the entire season.

Somewhere along the line during those wretched months, we stopped listening to each other. I mean, we heard each other, yes. But there’s a big difference between hearing and listening. Listening involves the heart while hearing is just acoustics.

When we listen, we aren’t formulating what we’ll say next in response to what’s being said. We don’t have an agenda to persuade, to “win,” to shame the person whose opinions are so different from our own. We aren’t judging them by thinking how stupid and uninformed they are. We aren’t trying to secure our spot on the high school debate team. We don’t tell them how wrong they are for believing what they believe.

Nope. None of that.

Instead, we listen because we want to genuinely hear their hearts. People are complex. None of us arrives at what we believe without some blood, sweat and tears and the path is different for everyone. The process of walking the path is what shapes those beliefs and sometimes, the path twists and turns, taking you right back from where you came or to a distant land altogether.

They’re all different, each of our paths. One is not better than the other. One is not more right than the other. It just is what it is.

When we listen to a person share his or her path, we better understand the heart. When we understand the heart, we humanize the person to whom it belongs. And when we humanize the person, it’s no longer about the issues that make us clench our fists and say bad words.

It’s about the flesh and blood that sits across from us – flesh and blood with a path that may not look like ours but a path still traveled and still traveling.

During that season, I learned to say things like “Tell me more about that” and “It sounds like you’ve really thought this through.” Sure, I failed miserably at times but I give myself grace. I’m still under construction. I hope I am until the day I die.

The few times I did post anything on social media that reflected where I stood, I was dumbfounded by the onslaught. Personal messages telling me how wrong I was to believe what I believe. Attacks in comments. Unlikes. Unfollows. Unsubscribes. Un-whatevers.

I suspect I’m not alone either. I’ve spoken to so many of you who, like me, were backed into a corner in which silence was the only way to make sense of what just happened.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I tried to write during that season, I really did. However, I was so grieved at what I was seeing, hearing and experiencing, the words just wouldn’t come – and trust me, I tried.

When you pour out words and speak them, too, sometimes, God call you to just be quiet and re-center.

Which is what I’ve been doing the past two years. Just being quiet and re-centering.

But now . . . oh, now. I am who I am.

You don’t have to believe what I believe.  We don’t have to vote the same. We can disagree and still love.

I won’t shout at you until you see things my way. I won’t tell you how Jesus would vote (that one was my favorite – I mean, really. I heard it from both sides and it made my skin crawl.) I won’t try to “win” you over to my side. I won’t send you personal messages and tell you how terrible you are for believing what you believe.

Nope. You are so much more than that and so am I.

We will move forward. We won’t take the bait. We will smile and say “Tell me more about that.”

We will choose love.

Always.

The post Walking The Path Of Listening appeared first on Natalie Snapp.

Why this photo with this post? Because even in the midst of unraveling, wow . . . what joy there has been.

The last two years have been a complete crap-show, friends. I don’t even know where to begin.

I can tell you this: I still love Jesus. I still adore my three people and the mister. I still believe in women encouraging each other. And I still believe in the ridiculous sweetness of yellow Labrador Retrievers, a glass of good wine, good coffee and good conversation. Usually all together in the same room.

I’ve dealt with more relational conflict in the last two years than the previous 42 years combined. Yes, I wrote a book about the importance of having heart sisters. I authored a six week Bible study on the same topic. I speak often to groups on the importance of girlfriends and why we need other women in our lives.

But today, as I stand here at 44 years of age, I can tell you that four heart sisters remain. Out of, once upon a time, twelve.

Four steadfast friends who are committed to working through stuff that comes up when it’s hard because they love you. Four friends who sit on the front porch with you as you cry, lament, drink coffee and say “I’m just going to sit here until you’re OK.” Four friends who say “Whatever you decide, I’m with you.” Four friends who are forever friends, not just for a reason and for a season.

And yes . . . trust me. I know. What a gift to have four.

Yet the conflicts have rocked my world. Some of which much of the blame can be laid at my feet, some of which were just downright betrayals leaving a machete protruding from my back. I so appreciate how Jen Hatmaker has chronicled her similar journey to authenticity and out of religiosity during the past few years as well. In a post from last year,  she states  “This year, I deeply experienced being on the wrong side of religion, and it was soul-crushing. I suffered the rejection, the fury, the distancing, the punishment, and sometimes worst of all, the silence. I experienced betrayal from people I thought loved us. I felt the cold winds of disapproval and the devastating sting of gossip. I received mocking group texts about me, accidentally sent to me; “Oh, we were just laughing WITH you!” they said upon discovery, an empty, fake, cowardly response. It was a tsunami of terror. One hundred things died. Some of them are still dead. Some are struggling for life but I don’t know if they will make it.”

This, in a nutshell, has been my story. Because then she says this:

“Simultaneously, other things died during the election season. Much ink has been spilled here and I won’t belabor the point, but I know I’m not the only one holding a pile of tattered threads in her hands, wondering what on earth just happened to our supposed holy common ground. The Christian Machine malfunctioned, and we are all still staring at each other, trying our damnedest to figure out how we understand the gospel so differently, unsure if we will ever find our way back to each other. The Christian community has been maligned, mocked, dragged, and dissected publicly, our civil war evident to a watching world. We are a meme. It is truly awful. 

My mind knows the difference between the Christian Machine and Jesus, but this year it feels hard to separate. The whole system seems poisoned, and I struggle to drink any of it. Even as I recognize my cynicism throwing a wet blanket over the credible, sincere declarations of others, I can’t quite stop it. It’s all falling on damaged ears. Every bit of it feels manufactured, brand-building, pretty words that failed me, didn’t show up, joined the chorus that broke my family’s heart. This is plainly unfair, but here I am.”

And there you have it. I couldn’t express it any better than Jen did. We are kindred spirits, she and I.

It’s also a big reason why I haven’t written here because every time I sat down to so, I just couldn’t do it. What do you say when you’ve been vilified, misrepresented, gossiped about and treated like trash? Nothing. You say nothing until the words slowly return. And praise be to God, they’re returning because I heal through writing and oh how I need to heal through some stuff, friends. Maybe you do, too. If so, I pray healing over you as well in whatever form that takes for you.

There’s so much more to share. So much more to say. So much more to heal. But I’m going to share and say and heal because just as Jen’s words have done for me, maybe some of the explanation of my midlife, unraveling-self can do for you.

Disclaimer: I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I’m over judgement and “the pretty front porch” of the church but I still think we are called to be a part of it. I drink wine. I have a large tattoo on my forearm and this summer, I added some pink to my hair because why not? I’m not sure where I stand on a lot of big ticket topics the church spends a ridiculous amount of time talking about. I think it’s far more simple than we’ve made it. I haven’t been to seminary, I’m still growing and changing and what I believe today I may not next year (or even next week)  because again, I am committed to growing and changing. If this makes you want to send me hate mail, call me heretical and/or shame me (which I won’t allow you to do) for having an opinion that’s different from yours, this is not the blog for you. I love you just the same because THAT’S what we are called to do but you won’t hurt my feelings if you choose to unfollow, unlike or un-whatever.

Peace be with you. Peace be with us all. No exceptions.

Until more,

The post When God Rocks Your Entire Freaking World appeared first on Natalie Snapp.